13. Facing the Origin Story Part 1: From Survival to the Doorstep

Welcome to Builders of a Better World Podcast, a space for depth, clarity, and honest conversation where presence matters more than performance. Let's begin. Builders of a Better World Podcast.

Oh, that was excellent.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Builders of a Better World Podcast. Hi, here we are building a better world. Ah, today was an MMA day. We're going cash. I pretty much woke up like this.

Oh yeah.

You know, girls, like women, men too, everybody, like there are people who really do themselves up before they get on camera and do a podcast. I didn't do that today.

No, you did not.

Nope. This is pretty much how I look.

We did MMA, puppy time.

Yes, lots of puppy time. I'm probably wearing the evidence on my clothing.

That went really well. And then breakfast time.

Yes.

And now podcast Builders of a Better World.

Thank you for being here. We're so glad to have you.

Excellent.

So excellent. So excellent.

Yeah, let's, let's talk about what we're going to talk about today. I'd like to facilitate— yeah, is that okay?

Yeah, spontaneous. I'm into it. Let's go fly, fly, fly by the sea.

I would like to facilitate a conversation about something that recently you did.

Mm-hmm. We? You were part of it for some of it?

Well, I was part of it for some of it, but I'm talking more about the fact that Carl, a person who was a big part of your life when you were younger, and then you didn't see for many years, you actually went and saw him. Just this last weekend.

I did.

Can we, can we talk about Carl, who he is?

We can. Um, yeah, this— well, firstly, just to get folks tuned in, right? Like, I'm hoping that this podcast, which will probably be in multiple parts, this episode will highlight a semblance of, um, I hope this episode will be reflective of positive intention, goodwill, free will to exercise choices, as well as forgiveness, self-development, but not just in the, I'm gonna work on my emotional literacy, but rather you know, building one's identity and really not allowing your origin story, the, you know, the family you were born into or the environment you were born into, to determine who you become, but rather utilizing your chosen lessons and the meaning you assign to those lessons To fuel you, fuel you in a way where you can just be optimally strong and resilient and also forgiving.

Yeah, I think that you're— I mean, exactly what you're just saying. When you go through certain situations, you have an opportunity to make a choice. To either play the victim. Well, or rise above it, you know what I'm saying?

You can. Yeah, I think— yes, I hope this can be a true story because this is a true story, um, and I feel vulnerable about it, but not in a, not in a, in a fear-based way, just in the sense of like, this is something that I don't talk about and now I'm going to be very forthcoming in public about talking about it. So it's just showing my insides on my outsides, which is something I intentionally want to do. And also, you know, for me, the arc in my hero's journey thus far, um, has a lot to do with, you know, choosing, I guess, in a nice, like, fantastical fairy tale sort of way, whether or not to be like the Evil Queen.

Mm-hmm.

Or, you know, the heroine at the end of the day. I know that I have the freedom of choice to go either way, and I could have very easily become the villain that the hero was meant to one day defeat. And I think there was a battle amongst myself and all my parts, and just that Happened. And that's what we're here to talk about today.

Yeah. And I want to bring up, because I mean, your journey, like you're mentioning, is of hero or evil queen, right? And there's another, I think, possible direction that people can take, kind of different experiences. And that is to get to a very hopeless Kind of, you know, not being able to do anything about their situation, if that makes sense.

Mm-hmm.

So, so, you know, it's very interesting because obviously everybody's personal experiences are their own. You know, you're, you're going to talk about yours, you know, and what you went through and kind of what direction you took your life, which I have been able to see a little bit of and am very I just wanna tell you I'm very proud or impressed, I guess, is the right word. But yeah, I think easily you could also become that hopeless, like, can't do anything kind of a scenario. And that I don't think would've ever been you just because you have such a strong personality. You know what I mean?

Well, I mean, I struggled with depression for a long time.

Sure.

And I had some suicidal ideation throughout, and I really hit like a rock bottom, 25, 26 years of age. And so no, I would say that I had my moment, temporary incarceration within the pit of despair.

Sure.

If you are a Princess Bride fan, you know what that reference is. But no, I had a moment where I was, I think I was inflicting some self- There was definitely some self-inflicted torture, and there was definitely some moments of feeling hopeless, I would say, that I surrendered to that for a temporary duration. I think that is a part of the human experience to some extent, is to make a pit stop in this kind of island of desperation and just feeling like all is lost. I think there is a part of that, and then you do, just like anything else, hopefully move through it.

Yeah.

This journey was, is moving through all of this.

And learning that you have a choice and you actually have the power to make that choice, to decide how to transmute or not transmute.

It's a lot of prefacing. Should we get into it?

Yeah, let's do it. Okay.

So, like, and we have the power of editing, so we can cut a lot of this stuff out if we want to, fortunately. So you asked me who Carl was. So Carl was the man that he was the only known dad figure in my life. That came to change over time, and that's a whole separate story which we can get into another time. But I was told, this is your father, and I grew up, you know, just kind of exposed to what he was. I don't need to get into details, and I don't need to share horrific experiences, I don't need to put that out there, but, you know, there was— I was in a state of survival for most of my young life, and there was a lot of darkness, and there was really kind of dire circumstances at times. It was extreme and it was dramatic. And so that does something to you as this little human. And the last Episode or incident with this dad of mine, Carl. It's still really hard for me to call him dad for multiple reasons. I was 12 when I was last essentially forced to spend time with him. And incident happened, years passed. I went to a family reunion at the age of 15, hadn't seen or heard from him since, so it'd been 3 years. And age 15, I'm at this family reunion. He approaches me and says, can I talk to you? I say, no. I was in front of a group of people, and that was the last I had ever seen or spoken to him. So it had been 20 years since I had ever shared space with him, ever exchanged any words or energy of any kind. was 20 years, almost exactly 20 years, which is, which is really kind of crazy. And he destroyed pretty much every relationship he's ever been a part of, including other relatives. So there was a distancing, and then at 15, I distanced myself from the rest of his side of the family and hadn't had anything to do with them whatsoever as well, on my own accord and choosing for a variety of reasons. And I was very— I had, I should say, I need to share this. I have had been very embarrassed of this side of the family. I had a lot of judgment cast onto them, a lot of projection about who they were. I essentially saw them to to be degenerate kind of humans, not very contributing to society. And I found them to be very dishonest and toxic. It was not a healthy, thriving— they were not thriving humans and certainly not—

Healthy.

an area of resourcefulness or support. So at 15, I didn't have anything to do with any of them and still don't have anything to do with any of them. And then I grew up, worked through my stuff, which was a whole process and a very long story. And the last couple of years I'd been doing a lot of inner work about really looking at myself and all the parts of myself and really coming to love all the parts of myself and being, you know, just audaciously honest about my authenticity and how I want to move through the world and who I'm building myself to be and really letting go of a lot of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment. Really transmuting that energy and just honoring it as a piece of my story and chapters that I moved through and that I'm very proud to have moved through now. And it's not in spite of, it's in some way it was aided by. And I really want to talk about that because I believe, and I am an example of this, you can have unfortunate circumstances really Unfortunate circumstances. I, again, I don't need to share details about what my upbringing was like or what my childhood was like, but it was, some would say, tragic. And that's okay. I look back now with so much love and joy and honest appreciation. And I do say joy and appreciation. That's very true. I do believe I had everything I needed because I turned out okay. And I chose to turn out okay.

Well, I mean, to your point, you are writing these books, Nervous System Mastery, all of this stuff. And you have said it before, and this is another example of how you have lived what you're teaching, because I don't want to downplay I know you don't want to give details, but I mean, there were survival moments. We talk about not needing to live in survival mode. Do you know what I mean? In those moments, you needed to live in survival mode. I mean, there were times when you had to tap into what your ancestors did to actually make it through.

Yeah.

Literally, in one incident where you had to make it through, surviving a couple of nights. You know what I mean?

Yes.

So you understand personally the difference between being in survival mode and not needing to be in survival mode.

And thriving.

Thriving deeply. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Yeah. Being present with peace and goodness and even just a semblance of neutrality. Just being okay.

So I think it's important to note I note that is, you know, uh, the, the journey, like you're saying, was a benefit to you because you took, you took the experiences and you learned what you needed to learn from them and then turned it into something beautiful in a sense, right?

Well, thank you. I would like to think so. I mean, yes, I, I'm a very happy person now. I still have my normal human stuff. I have to make my way around the emotional wheel and, again, make a stop in honoring each nuanced kind of a state that we tend to find ourselves in and the perception that you have of different things. It's really important to honor that it's all transient.

Yeah.

It's just a temporary thing. And so thoughts can be fleeting, and they're not always positive. And then you find the really warm, lovely ones that you just want to allow yourself to sit and just be fully embraced by. And it's being present to the really good ones that I think is where the magic is. And understanding that anything negative is just temporary and essential. It just is. It's a part of what we have to go through and endure and then make something beautiful from, as you're saying. This is the way. So I did that and it was a very long journey. And it's not over because it's never over. And I, years ago, in this, again, just kind of essentially taking myself apart piece by piece and choosing what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to transform in some way. And, you know, this kind of a monster phantom figure that I had kind of looming in the back of my memory. was this man who was intended to take the position of being my father. And I thought I was born from the spawn of Satan. And I grew up thinking that I was inherently gonna be a bad person because I was descendant from what I perceived to be—

Genetically a bad person, right?

Yes, I thought I was. I thought I was meant be evil because I thought I came from evil.

Yeah.

It's really what I believed. And I would pray and I would go to church and I would just try to make peace with, again, with this kind of— I was raised by books and TV and movies. And so I always had this very story-like narrative that I would form in my head. And we know humans require narrative to to conceptualize things. And so I did. I told myself that I was essentially going to become a villain that a hero would one day have to face and ultimately defeat, because I'd hoped for a happy ending, even if it meant that I was taken down. I was like, well, this is just my piece of the circle in this world.

Isn't it amazing what stories we tell ourselves?

Yeah, I mean, as a kid, right, you tell yourself all sorts of things. I did a lot of work of all sorts, and we can get into that anytime. If you wanna hear more of what that's like, please let me know. I'll give specifics, I'll give specific stories, I'll go into what my process was, but I do write about it.

Yeah.

And everything I speak about now and everything that I've come to collectively present in my work is what I have done.

Yeah, it's the process you've gone through, for sure.

Exactly. A couple of years ago, I had a very profound meditation. I had asked when I was about 24 to understand forgiveness, really understand forgiveness. I was like, I want to, please, God, angels, universe, the divine, help me understand how to forgive, how to truly, truly, truly forgive. A journey began. You know, years went by. A couple of years ago, I'm sat down having my meditation, and there are 2 people that, you know, needed honorable mentioning on a continual basis when it came to my acclimatising of the parts I didn't really like about myself, right?

Yeah.

The parts that were, you know, just not as comfortable, the parts that were harder to look at, the parts that I didn't really want to take with me moving forward as they were. You know, was my grandmother and Carl.

Yeah.

And in this meditation, completely sober, no ketamine, no psilocybin, no nothing, I'm just, you know, having my normal self-maintenance, ever-growing, ever-expanding, being the love, you know, kind of a self-care ritual. And in that meditation, I was able to embody, like genuinely embody, his humanness. And it was the first time I could ever honestly conceive him as being a human, because for the last 20 years and more, my recollection of him would have described him as a monster. It would have described him as, you know, brutally, sadistically apathetic and completely devoid of morals and very destructive, very dark, and intended to be so. Like, he would— I felt he was enjoying moments where he was creating a lot of discomfort, especially for me and for my mum. And I felt like I personally witnessed this directly. And in that meditation, I was able to see the complete paradox of that, and just this opposite contrast, this understanding, again, and I felt it. I really believe that I was radiating at a comparable frequency. It was coming into my awareness as if I was an extension of it, but of the humanness, of the inherently good, or neutral that we are capable of. It's, it's in there. I was able to feel the essence that was an extension of him that I never got to know or experience until that moment, but it was there. I, I was able to feel that he had that, and he was just humaning the only way he knew how. And the same thing for my grandmother. I was able to feel her goodness. Her Her goodness. There are parts of her that are very good and very honourable. She has this way about her where she does try to do the right thing. She's just a little oblivious at times with regards to what that actually is for those she's directly affecting. In her mind, she's doing right. And again, she has these intentions. So to really be able to feel that was incredibly profound and dramatically propelled the trajectory of my journey in being able to really have absolutely no resentment for these 2 people and step into that truest forgiveness where I could share space with them Knowing that they're just somewhat unfortunate, flawed beings who just don't view other options the way that I view other options as far as how to live, how to navigate life, how to make decisions, how to act with intention. You know, this idea of self-love, this then living in self-love, I felt wasn't as available to them. And that to me, of course, felt sad. And I want to— I want that for them. You want that for everyone. And so it didn't excuse what had happened to me and the things that I had remembered from my childhood, but it did really help to understand that You know, people in their beingness sometimes can get a little stuck and a little lost. And Carl came to feel after that meditation just like a soul that got a little lost.

Yeah, one of the things that this experience and the The way that you're telling it came to me was we deal with people on a day-to-day basis, and our perspective is all that we have of them.

Yes.

And I feel like what you did is you got to this point where you saw a little bit of his journey, in a sense, where When you talk about, you know, the people that we deal with, whether it be our family, friends, strangers, it doesn't matter, you know, they all started as little babies. You know what I mean?

Well—

And they went to being toddlers, and they went to being little young men and young women, and they're going through this experience called life, just like we are. They are also having experiences that are shaping them and moving them in directions. And if they don't have the tools, you know, that maybe we have to sustain something more positive, then of course they're going to get stuck or they're going to get lost or they're going to, you know, have challenges. that maybe we won't or don't, or, you know.

They become a creation of their circumstance.

Yeah.

Rather than allowing their circumstance to simply be a piece of the building blocks. 'Cause it is a part of us. It is what we went through. It is what we experienced. It is our ego, all that which we've ever known or experienced. But that's the point. And you're absolutely right. You don't know what you don't know. So when you're this young impressionable child and you're being influenced by your surroundings, you're being exposed to, this is the way of the world, these are the laws of the land. And you're only shown so much, you know, when there's a whole other, you know, variety of just, again, these frequencies, these vibrations, this energy, this goal, this ambition, this drive, motivation, inspiration, creativity, this love. If you don't have exposure to that, if you're never shown that that is possible, you don't know that it's possible. It has to come into your awareness. You must observe it. You must obtain, somehow this orientation that allows you that perspective. And yeah, I've come to understand, especially after my conversation with Carl, that he just didn't, he wasn't put in opportunities where he could perceive that for whatever reason.

And—

Yeah, his environment was similar to your own in some ways, when he was a kid.

And yeah, he continued the cycle. Yeah, yeah, he was, he was, he was made of what he had experienced. Yeah, what his perception was dictated the decisions he made, how he viewed the world, and therein is what he continued to contribute to and be as.

Yes, that's right. And, and, and I think that what you're standing for and what you're trying to accomplish Is to—

Be the change.

Be the change of those situations. You know what I mean?

Be the change.

Yeah, like create scenarios where that doesn't have to happen, right? Where people do have the tools to transmute whatever it is that is negative into something more positive. Gratitude, love, acceptance, whatever that means, right?

Yeah, it's just, it's choice and it's intention. But yeah, so that meditation really shifted things for me, and I was so grateful for it, so grateful for it. I talked about it a lot after it first happened. It was something that I just felt was a huge blessing for me, for my soul, for my ability to, again, just take that next step towards really pure, absolute forgiveness. And take that next step in the progression I was already working towards, which is again to reflect upon my childhood with the truest sincerity of I had everything I needed and I ended— it was actually okay. It wasn't right and it shouldn't happen to anyone and I wouldn't wish it onto anyone, but ultimately I don't have a tragic story. I experienced tragedy as we all do. And it's a piece of the puzzle. And I have thousands of pieces to the puzzle that is the collective of all that I am. And that is just one single piece. And I'm gonna take that piece and make it mean something good. And that's what I've done.

I need to say this because the way that you said that is exactly why you are where you are. And that is, That you don't have a tragic story. In other words, you don't identify yourself with this tragedy.

Absolutely not.

You had an experience.

That's right. That's right.

And I think that that's the difference, right? When we go through stuff, sometimes we identify ourselves with that situation.

Exactly.

Or that experience. And we actually put pieces of us, pieces of ourselves in it. Saying, this is, this is now who I am.

Mm-hmm.

I am somebody who was, you know, abused, or I am somebody who was whatever, wronged in this way. And it's— and, and you just said it exactly the way we should look at it, and that is, that's not who you are. It— there was a situation that you experienced, but you are not that person.

And look what I moved through.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

It's really great. What have I moved through? Like, I can be happy and healthy and love myself and love them.

Yeah, I have to say that I was there when you did do that, not when you were doing the meditation, but I was there after the meditation. I knew the situation a little bit, like probably at least 80% of it. You know, when I heard the stories, I was like, okay, we're gonna, like, we're gonna take this guy, you know what I mean?

Like, we're gonna go after him.

Yeah, a lot of people are like, okay, we're gonna take him out.

We're gonna take him out. Of course we didn't, obviously. But, you know, it's the first response to, you know, when somebody does something bad to you, you know, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And it's like, and then I heard about the meditation and I heard that you were like, yeah, I was able to feel his humanness, you know, which aided me in forgiveness.

And— And he wasn't purely a monster.

He wasn't just a monster.

Yeah.

And with my personal experience, I come from a very religious background. So when you hear the word forgiveness and you hear the word forgive and forget and whatever, to me, and again, this is my own personal experience, I'm not saying this is for everybody, but to me, sometimes it gets a little surfacey because it's like, yes, you're supposed to forgive everybody and forgive and forget everybody, whatever. And so, you know, It's just this, this is what you're supposed to do. And then you took it to a level that was, in my opinion, the epitome or the true sense of forgiveness. And, you know, I don't know if that's a good segue.

Sure. But like your experience with him just recently, like actually going and seeing him, You know, which everyone, you know, the few people I do talk to, because my inner circle is really quite small. Yeah, you know, I have an intimate little group of my ride or dies, yourself included.

Thank you.

Very grateful.

Very grateful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Me too.

And, you know, so for a couple years— well, backing up, prior to that meditation, COVID, my brother You know, was like, okay, you were right. I'm absolutely writing him off. He's a destructive, wicked, evil, manipulative, like, scam artist who will take down anyone he can. You were so right. I tried to have a relationship with him recently in my adult life and he burned me horrifically. I'm like, I'm so sorry, Travis. I'm so sorry that that was your experience. And he said, I just want you to know he's sick, he might be dying. And I'm like, oh, okay, that— well, it's gonna happen. Yeah. And that was, you know, COVID, so 6 years ago, maybe 5 years ago.

And— 6, yeah, 6.

A couple years forward after that, I have this meditation, I see his humanness, I embody his humanness. I'm like, wow, this is Like, really incredible. He's just kind of ignorant and, you know, has this kind of existence that is really just very unconscious. He's very unconscious. This is so sad. He's like navigating life on autopilot, asleep, and is purely just moving from his wounds to other wounds, to wounding, to being wounded, to wounding. It's just, it's just a series of woundedness. It's Really sad, and so I had the thought after that for a little while of you know oh well if he passed would I regret not facing the monster in some way? Would I regret not you know appeasing my curiosity about what he's like now? I had a lot of. not questions, but, you know, you— I hadn't seen him really since I was 12. And so, and there was a lot of, again, just a series of events that involved him that were really dark. So I started to question if the intensity and the gravity, the, you know, the dramatous of that situation was real, or if I, in my young, fantastical, very imaginative, you know, kind of a recollection in the stored memory bank, if things got embellished, if he really was so dark, if he really was so monstrous, if I had sort of a, you know, how our brains go with memory. Sometimes, you know, our memories get a little shifted from what originally happened in truth. And So I did kind of wonder, like, was it really as intense as I recall it being?

Or was it just a story you were telling yourself?

Or was it— yeah, was it a moment and I made it bigger than it was? I made it worse than what it was. I just feel so deeply and I'm so emotional, right? And so maybe I just— maybe, you know, it cut and my perception of it was just so much deeper than it actually was.

Sure.

I wondered this. So I had a cat, Bravery, a little rescue situation. He needed some TLC, brought him into the home in my spare bedroom where he lived for a couple of months. He's nursed back to health. We need a new home for this cat. My mum, lovely, wonderful, has 2 cats. What's a third? I'll take him. He's so loving and so sweet. This cat was just amazing. I love him so much. Really wish I could keep him, but my wolfies would have eaten him. So it would not have been a good situation for him to live his life in my spare bedroom. Um, Odin, the biggest eldest wolf, definitely really wanted to have him for dinner.

He did. He wanted a snack.

Yes.

He wanted a Bravery snack.

He did, he did. And Bravery, you know, holding true to his name, you know, requires 9 lives. He's one of those cats that like— yes, he is the reason cats require 9 lives. He's not stupid because he's just this pure, loving, wanting to be friends with everybody, wanting to see the good in all creatures, including wolves.

Yeah, curiosity does truly sometimes kill the cat, 'cause he was curious. He was extremely curious.

Very interested in getting comfy with Odin, and Odin was very, very willing to have him in his mouth. So, yeah, mum, operation cat transplant. I bring this cat to my mum and because I was going there, because I was making this trip to deliver this cat, I had the thought of, well, now might be a good time if I wanted to try and find Carl. No idea where he was living, no idea whether he was alive or dead. I had all these really profound experiences that led to just a series of incredible synchronicities. When I was last in the UK, and it was just all these very meant-to-be things aligning to my honoring this side of the family, really owning the idea of chosen family. And again, just really walking the walk with everything I talk about being and aspiring to be and working towards becoming. I felt I had an opportunity to really, again, level up in that way.

Well, and you came to that, like you're saying, you came to that understanding that him being a part of your life was what brought you to where you are, in a sense.

My response to it is what brought me to where I am.

Right, right, right. That's what I mean.

I apologize. You go through challenges, you go through adversity, you go through moments of pain and struggle, and in every single one of those, you're presented with the opportunity to improve yourself.

Right.

To better yourself.

Right.

To grow, to build strength, to build resistance, to develop this area of yourself for the sake of being better able to thrive.

Right.

And I really believe that. Everything we experience can condition us to being the happiest, healthiest versions of ourselves.

And we talk about like the challenges of our lives are for us to become better.

Correct, correct. You just have to look at it that way, move through it that way, honor your grief, honor your sadness, you know, get that anger out, practice forgiveness, go through your self-love, you know, routines, really make sure to instill that piece of yourself, alchemize, transmute, Get it all in there, get it all worked out, and then move forward in your highest vibration.

That's right. And, and I'm just reiterating, you did this, right? You went through the process. It's not something that you theorize. Nope. This is practicality, you know what I mean? This is, this is doing the work. It's, it's having the experience, understanding what the experience is for, And doing the work.

Correct.

And we're— and we now are continuing that work, right?

Yes, it will. Again, self-improvement journey is never-ending.

Yeah.

So I had the thought of, well, I don't want to make a separate trip just to go find him. I had, when I was in Scotland, um, actually I think it was in York in England, actually, I believe I was looking for his death certificate to see if he was even still alive.

Yeah.

And I couldn't find one. So I was like, okay, I guess he's maybe still alive. And I contacted my brother. I didn't want to reach out to any other relatives, and I knew that he was probably estranged from other relatives anyway, so— but I nonetheless didn't really want to open those doors. So I reached out to my brother knowing that he had had contact with him a couple years prior, and I just said, hey, if I wanted to find Carl, would you be able to help me? And of course my brother's like, why? Yeah, what do you mean find? Why? Yeah, like what? Like what? Like why? You didn't—

Like anyone would do.

Yeah, what's the change of heart? Last time you were like, okay, he can go die, like no problem. Like you had no interest, no curiosity. You've expressed nothing about wanting to see him ever, right? You know, so what the heck? And I was like, well, bro, like just hypothetically then, would you be able to know or find out where he is? And he's like, well, yeah. He's like, I have his Last known phone number and last known address. Like, I'll even reach out to him for you and see, you know, like, yeah, whatever. Are you wanting to like meet up with him? Like, what's the deal? Are you wanting to cause drama? Like, are you wanting to beat him up? Like, my brother was like, what are you like?

What are we gonna do with this?

Are you fighting him, murdering him? Like, what's the— you know, I'm on board. Like, he was, he was like, I'll— I've got your back. I just want to know like what your plan is.

Yeah, yeah.

And I just said, it just, you know, I, I have some questions. Maybe I said, I don't even know. I just, I think it feels a little bit like just facing the monster. I have some curiosity, call it morbid curiosity, call it whatever you want. I just don't wanna have any regrets. And if he is due to depart this world in the imminent future, I would just like to say that I exercised my ability to do this.

Yeah.

And then I will never have to face this, oh, I should have, or what would have been, or my questions For myself even about this childhood projection phantom figure, like, was that real? Like, all the things.

Yeah, you never usually regret the things you do.

Exactly.

Usually you regret the things you don't do.

You can always say, oh shit, I shouldn't have done that, but you know, whatever. Again, use it for fodder for your character, the seasoning for your character.

That's right.

And then just, you know, do stand-up like I do. Just write humor, write comedy, write your stories, just make it funny, and then it's never in vain. So I was like, okay, please, yes, if you would reach out to him, see if we can coordinate. And my brother was like, I want to go with you. And I was like, well, why is that important to you? And he was like, I just really want to. And I'm like, okay, I mean, I don't mind, like, that's fine. So we set it up and that whole day in anticipation of this was also, again, just, it was like— I was so present with all the things that had prepared me to be able to do what I was about to do in the nature and spirit I was about to do it in. I had no fear. I had no resentment. I had pure intentions. I wasn't wanting to in any way punish him or harm him. I didn't want to make him feel badly. I wanted to speak honestly and I wanted to be authentic, but I knew I had no ill intent whatsoever. And that's extremely powerful. I speak a lot about that when it comes to knowing how to positively self-advocate. It's much easier to have difficult conversations when you know you have pure intentions and you know that you're wanting to be of service to yourself as well as the situation. It's a mutually beneficial situation. And I, I had this sense for some reason that he would have wanted to see me. So My mum, she was like, I'm really nervous, I'm really uncomfortable, why are you doing this? Dinner, just before we went over to where he lives, my mum was like, why, why, why are you doing this? And my brother, again, we had had a 2-hour conversation about it the night prior, he's like, yeah, why are we doing this?

Yeah, I think we all kind of was like, why?

And my answers were like, I mean, I usually have a lot of complicated responses to things because I'm a very I'm a fairly complex human. It's very difficult for me to give simplified answers because I don't really think very simplistically about things.

I know. That's why you keep me in your life.

It's true. It's true. Sometimes the masculine brain does have a way of really stripping things down to almost a too simplified form.

I'm like, I just oversimplify. Yeah, I'm really good at that. I'm super, super good at oversimplifying. It's great.

We bring a balance. Yes, we bring a balance, you and I.

Yeah.

So I was like, I don't have a simple answer, guys. I am not sure. I just want to see. I'm feeling called to do this. I don't feel I'm putting myself in any danger, or I wouldn't be doing it. You know, we again— and everyone, because my mom was like, if I were to see him, I would run him over with my car. Like, it's these things, like, how can you purposefully be doing this. And my brother gave me a fair warning, and he's like, hey, like, I'm sure living environment is the same as it's always been. It's gonna be filthy. Like, just emotionally know this. I think they have dogs. Like, it's, you know, and I love dogs. I'm a huge dog person. But he was speaking in the sense of, like, filth. Like, there's probably gonna be filth. Right, it's gonna be—

yeah.

And I'm a clean person. I like things very clean. I actually went through a dramatic OCD germophobia chapter of my life because of aspects of this childhood.

I remember, yeah.

Like, yeah. So we're balanced now. We manage. And I no longer have germophobia. I no longer have obsessive-compulsive tendencies.

For the most point— most part, I mean.

I just like to look nice. And I like my whites to be white.

That's okay. Nothing wrong with that.

So I was like, thank you for the warning. And I asked him again at dinner, I said, why is it so important for you to come? I can do this alone. I don't need you to be here with me. And he said— he's my younger brother, but now he's 6 feet tall and in his 30s, which is crazy, having procreated himself. I have a niece who looks just like him. So he's a man now, and he says, because I never protected you when we were kids. And I went, oh, so you just want to stand in the corner with a puffed-up chest? And he's like, yes, pretty much. Yes, I do. Give me that. I've got your back, sis. I'm like, okay, sure.

And he knows he could take Carl at this point. Yeah.

I mean, well, yeah. Yes, anyone could. A gust of wind could blow him over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we leave dinner, my mum goes off on her way, and it's me and my brother. And we get to the house, he warns me, he's like, he has this partner, he has a fiancée person, and her name is Sarah and she's blind. And of course we make all these jokes and it's like, well, she would have to be, right? Like, hahaha, you know, all the things. And I'm like, all right, so it's going to be at least Carl and Sarah. Okay, so we get to the door, I knock on the door and dog starts barking and then there's a voice that I hear on the other side of the door and I had to wonder, I had to question whether or not it was even him because it was so much softer.

Yeah.

It was so much softer than what I remembered and he opens the door and he goes, come on in, guys. And he's got a cane and he's got this just kind of hunched over posture and he looks so small and he feels so small. He feels small just as my gaze is kind of scanning him up and down in this, again, just kind of an older, more frail, less physically able body. And then also energetically, he felt so small and he wouldn't make eye contact with me. He wouldn't make eye contact with me at all for the first 20 minutes. And yes, the house is disgusting. And Sarah is in this chair and she's obese, she's a larger woman and she's had all these surgeries. And you can tell that she was an underdeveloped baby. She was born with a different set of abilities than the rest of us physically. And her blindness was an ailment that she was— she wasn't born blind, but she was born with a condition where she ended up going blind as a teenager. She extends her hand out to me, I walk over to, you know, square up with her because she can't square up with me, she doesn't know where I am, and I take her hand and I say, thank you so much, like, you know, thank you for welcoming me and thank you for receiving me. in your home? And she's like, yeah, we've like haven't heard your name. Like, this is like, you know, like, wow. My brother told Carl, he said, I'm bringing my sister, she has questions. They assumed it was the other sister.

Yeah.

Because my brother didn't specify that it was me, so they were assuming it was my younger sister Savannah.

Savannah.

Who has been around, you know, a little bit. Um, she had unfortunate run-ins with Carl, of course, as well, but they knew Savannah. Yeah, from a few years ago. Carl and Sarah had been together for 11 years now at this point, so, you know, they— so they were a little surprised, and that was a big part of why I think he couldn't look at me.

Yeah, he was, he was probably processing.

Exactly.

He had a lot of processing that he was doing. You know, thinking— I mean, I'm sure that a lot of things went through his mind.

And I was, you know, wanting to be kind, and I said, you know, may I sit down? And they're like, yes, of course. And, you know, the wrestling is blaring on the TV, and, you know, there's no real proper place to sit at all. I sat on, like, you know, an ottoman that sure enough, yeah, was covered in, like, dog hair and dirt, but whatever. I mean, you know, it was like, this is fine. Like, I knew it. It's okay. I was emotionally prepared for this. Small talk ensues, and predominantly being led by them. I think they were nervous talking. I don't think they were understanding why I was there. And so there was this like kind of a, you know— go ahead.

Weren't they even just kind of talking between themselves?

Correct.

For a little bit?

Correct.

Like they didn't even include you in the conversation a little bit, right?

No, no questions. directed towards me, no engagement really. I would chime in, you know, a little bit, but it was predominantly them having a banter back and forth about traveling and the, the little flying that they've done recently and, you know, how uncomfortable Karl is flying. And, you know, I asked him about— you said, how are you? And he said, well, I was doing really well until a couple of years ago. And I was like, what happened a couple years ago? And this accident and this surgery, and he can barely move. And You know, all these things and, you know, ailment, ailment, ailment, you know, like just discomfort and pain and, you know, this series of unfortunate events. And I'm like, I'm, you know, really sorry, like that does sound, you know, difficult to move through and I'm sorry that you're living with that. And then they're like, well, you know, we have this outdoor patio, do we want to shift outside? It's really nice outside. Travis and I are like, yeah, okay, sure. And so we change setting and we shift environments from inside to outside. And they had this outdoor tent that they were calling their back patio. No judgment, totally fine. I was like, okay, I mean, I'll do this. The chair was filthy. So my brother, just reading my mind, he got to have his heroic, very gentlemanly moment. which I was so proud of. He's such a sweet guy. I love him, my brother. Now, we still don't have much of a relationship, not in a sibling way, but we respect each other.

And he is a sweetheart.

He's very sweet.

He's a very nice guy.

Yes.

Yes.

He's doing his best.

Yes.

And he's breaking the cycle, which is all anyone can ask for.

Yeah, that's right.

So I just kind of took my finger and slowly grazed it across this dirty seat just to assess how—

How dirty it was.

Well, and how I was going to navigate You know, essentially abstaining from sitting.

Yeah.

Right? I was going to declare that I was not going to be sitting in this chair because I'm just not going to do that.

Yeah.

And so I was, you know, formulating very positively how I was going to declare this. And my brother took off his button-up shirt, went down to just his tank top, and laid his shirt over the seat so that I could sit on his—

What a good brother.

shirt. Yes, it was very, it was very kind. I was like, you're such a gentleman, proper gentleman. Oh, I'm so, so pleased, so proud. Thank you, thank you.

Well done, Travis.

Yes, thank you for being here. Thank you for that. Thank you. I'm so grateful. Thank you.

Sometimes the hardest journeys are the ones no one else can see. The choice to face the monster, to question the stories we grew up believing, and to discover that forgiveness is less about excusing the past And more about reclaiming who we are becoming. In this first part of Ashlea's story, we've sat with the weight of childhood, the fear of becoming the villain, and the quiet, courageous work of rebuilding a sense of self. In the next episode, we'll go even deeper, into the moment she actually sits across from her estranged father, what he reveals about his own darkness, And how that conversation unlocks a different kind of compassion, one that doesn't erase the harm but transforms its power over her life. If this episode stirred something in you, I invite you to take a breath, notice what surfaced, and carry that awareness with you into Part 2, as we keep learning what it means to be builders of a better world from the inside out.

Thank you for joining us here at the Builders of a Better World podcast. Please share, subscribe, comment, and be sure to pass this episode along for anyone who may need it. See you next time.