9. Finding Your True Self: Human Design, Shadow Work, & Authenticity

Welcome to Builders of a Better World podcast, a space for depth, clarity, and honest conversation where presence matters more than performance. Let's begin. Hiya, welcome back to Builders of a Better World. My name is Aishleya. I have a really exciting guest with us today. Builders of a Better World, a collective mutual mission to better the world, just like it sounds. Thank you so much for being here. I have one of my dearest friends, somebody that I have grown really, really close to in a very short amount of time, actually. But she has a very special insight and expertise that, in my opinion, is very much in alignment with owning oneself, getting very comfortable with that authentic version of you, knowing how to optimally function, use your body, your physiology, all the things to help you live the highest version of yourself, which is our way of building a better world. So before we start the show, we're gonna do our vow of authenticity. Yeah. Yeah. So my definition of authenticity, right? Being in alignment, living my truth with regards to what I need to do and be in order to be the highest version of myself and being unwavering in that conviction and that purpose. That's my definition of authenticity. So my vow would be to only share and speak in alignment with that which is the highest version of myself. So Sophie, what's your definition of authenticity, and how can you make your own authentic vow today?

Oh my goodness. A vow of authenticity feels just so— sorry, so in alignment with me, because I'm not sure if you know this, but part of my personal Human Design is about protecting authenticity. So that's literally why I'm here. So I feel like my life is a vow of authenticity. So, and not just authenticity for myself, but a vow of protecting authenticity for everyone.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, I really feel that, and I know, that you said that I'm very visual, and I love that you pointed that out.

Yes.

And it's so true, because when I visualize my incarnation cross, which is your purpose in Human Design.

Yeah.

This, that I'm protecting authenticity, I literally see myself as this soldier bearing arms, like, protecting everyone to be Like, to allow them to be exactly how they want, in however that looks.

Yeah.

And exactly what we said before, with no judgment, and just witnessing. I love witnessing. Like, I'm fascinated in people, so I'm always going to be witnessing.

Me too.

But it comes from, like, no judgment, and actually pure fascination and amazement in how beautiful it is to be authentic, and so different, and— Just so—

Liberating.

It's so liberating.

Yeah.

And that's exactly what authenticity means to me.

It's freedom.

It's freedom. That's 100% what it means. Because I, obviously, you know, I work with Human Design, and— but I also combine it with shadow work because it's so perfectly, um, well, you can see the shadow in the Human Design chart, so it's like perfectly combined. But, um, I see shadow work as being the path to authenticity.

I love this. So you take the vow, great, because I have all the questions. And now we need to segue in because you brought up Human Design, so we need to understand what that is, right, firstly.

Okay.

And then talking more specifically about shadow work. Shadow work, for me, totally exactly everything you've been saying. It's what helped me get the most definitive understanding of where I need to be and how I need to get there.

Right.

Very important. So, okay, backing up. Human Design. So, I didn't know about Human Design until I met you.

Did you not?

Like, I heard about it, but I didn't know my Human Design. I was not associated with my chart, right? So other people throughout the duration of my life have approached me with this and said, oh yeah, Human Design. as we've talked about before, it was the same thing as, you know, astrology to me.

I remember you saying that.

Where I was going, oh yeah, no, I don't really— I am who I am and no, nothing is going to define it for me. And, you know, I didn't, I didn't buy into it. And then I had a 6-hour-long conversation with you in my car, um, whom I refer to as Red Dragon. We had a 6-hour-long conversation in Red Dragon, and a lot of it was about Human Design and my chart. And this is— and I was like, oh my God, how do you know me? Because so many are defined in your Human Design. So what is Human Design? I know, take— go, go on, like, take your time, ramble, like, go for it. Like, yeah.

You know, that's always the hardest question for me to answer because I, I can very easily take someone's chart and talk about for 10 hours about someone's chart. I find it fascinating. I love it. I can go super deep. But to actually pin it down, what it is, It's just, it's so huge that it's really difficult to, to say. And it also means different things for different people, to be honest, because it's so huge that you can— you get what you need from it. But let's just say that it's an esoteric personality test combining— and the reason why I love it so much is because it really combines the right brain and the left brain, the logical and the intuitive.

Mm-hmm.

And that's what really got me, because actually, naturally, I'm very logical, naturally. I grew up also, like, really not believing in anything esoteric, but naturally I am very logical. So Human Design was a great gateway for me to come into this kind of esoteric world.

Yeah.

So it really combines science and esoteric. So let's just say that it combines ancient teachings such as the Kabbalah, the I Ching, which is the oldest book in existence.

I love the I Ching. It's in my office, literally right on the other side of this wall. Yep, go on.

Yeah, and then it also combines the chakra system, the Hindu chakra system with 7 chakras, but in Human Design we have 9 energy centers, we call them. And then the last one is astrology. Yeah, and what's really beautiful about Human Design is that when you get an astrology reading— I'm a big believer in astrology, really love it, it's magical— but Human Design takes it to the next level. Because I'm not sure if we ever spoke about this before, but when you get an astrology reading, you're only getting half of a reading from a Human Design perspective.

Interesting.

Because, so you know how when you have your chart, you've got 2 lines of numbers?

Yes.

One is black, one is red.

Yes.

So when you get an astrology reading, you're only reading the black.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah. And so that's why Human Design is just a layer deeper. And obviously it also embodies it because astrology, in some ways, it will— it's about predicting the future, it's about telling you where you came from, what lessons you're here to learn. It's, it's, it's also a huge topic, but Human Design really brings it into the body. And that's why I love it, because actually I'm a Taurus moon and a Capricorn rising, so I'm very earthy. And I really love that, um, bringing this— because it's all this heady energy— bringing it down is so important for me.

Hmm.

And so bring it down into physical form is just everything, because you can actually look at the, um, you can actually look at health through Human Design. You can do that through astrology too, But, um, yeah, so it also combines the esoteric, like I said, the ancient teachings with science. So yes, um, biochemistry, quantum physics, genealogy. Like, it's— you can literally map human evolution with Human Design.

I love that.

So it literally— so a lot of people come to Human Design And no judgment, you come and get what you need from any— everything, right? But a lot of people come at it as just a personality test. Who am I? What's my purpose? Um, but really it's so much bigger than that.

Mm-hmm.

Because there's so much data. You can look back and you can see how the Neanderthals were, um, were built and why they were how they were and But they were most likely all reflectors.

Interesting.

They didn't have any energy centers.

Generator?

No.

Interesting.

Yeah, so reflectors are run by the moon, right? They're lunar beings.

Sure.

And that's what— so they were very connected to the moon, and obviously they had to be run by their instincts and be very connected to the environment. And so that's how that played out. But you can really see there's also, what phase we're in, in the, like, in the evolution of—

Human existence.

Human existence by Human Design.

Yeah.

You can see it.

So you can see the future. Of what humans will essentially be.

Yes.

That's so interesting.

Yes, it is.

That is so interesting.

Yeah, it's so huge.

Oh my God. So I wanna talk a little more specifically pertaining to, 'cause there was a piece of the conversation that you and I had those couple of years ago, that was really profound for me. And it's what kind of hooked me into being a believer of Human Design and how I've been able to use the information to have my own journey and my own evolution and transformation that I've undergone in the last couple of years.

Mm-hmm.

And there was a really interesting component of that for me, which had to do with when you and I had talked about, I said, you know, how I, I had a moment of really significant struggle emotionally, um, years ago pertaining to essentially feeling like I didn't have a personality.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't ha— like, I, I felt as though I couldn't— I didn't have my own defined way of moving through the world. And that created this kind of an existential crisis, but as well as I was— I was suicidal, to be frank, for a duration, because I didn't feel as though I had a sense of self. I didn't have a definitive connection to, like, who I was or why I was doing what I was doing. And I felt really, really lost. And I described this to you, and it was so funny, 'cause you're like, oh yeah, well, it's because this, this, and this. It's like, you have an open ajna, you have an undefined ego, you have a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What does this mean? I know, I can't even— yeah, 'cause it's like, you know, it was, in some way, I was like, this is a whole new language, and some completely uncharted territory for me, with regards to how to, in any way, you know, associate value to something. And so, if you wanna talk a little bit more specifically about that, because you can talk about the blah, blah, blah in, you know, specific terms, Sure. So, yeah, describe that for me, my chart, and how it is in some way able to elucidate why I have a very malleable means of formulating opinions.

Yeah.

I almost don't even have— I don't have opinions about things. So go on.

Well, first of all, I want to say that I'm truly passionate about speaking about the blah blah blah.

Okay.

That is my passion in life. The blah blah blah is my thing. You're so right. My friends that also are Human Design readers and coaches and such, when we're together, it's so great when we're in a restaurant or a cafe because we have our own language, like you said. And it's so cool because we're like, that's your Gate 56 that I can I can see, I'm seeing your Gate 13 with that, and the server is like, what the hell are they talking about? And it's so great.

Right.

But yes, to mention, to talk about what you said, with the— about the identity, it's really about your G centre. So you know that you only have 3 centres defined. I'm not sure if we should talk about what that means first before we talk about Uh, we can talk about—

yeah, we can talk about centers being open versus not defined. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So we have 9 energy centers in Human Design, and the ones that are defined, let's say, the ones that if you look up your chart, the ones that are defined, that's your consistent energy, and that's how you would define like who you are. This is who I am. This is who I show up as most of the time. This is who I know myself to be. But then where you're open, where it's white, is really where you're very sensitive and you're open to the environment. And so obviously then that creates situation where you're different in different environments because you're amplifying the environment in those places, right?

Mm-hmm.

And everybody's completely unique, has a completely different chart. and is open in different areas. And so you're very sensitive there. And the thing about your chart is obviously you're open in 6 centers out of 9. And actually, if we went a little layer deeper, um, consciously, what you have conscious access to— because there's a part, half of your chart is conscious and half of your chart is unconscious, which that is a layer deeper, which maybe we'll get to.

Sure.

But consciously, you have no definition. So you don't— so that's why— I'm not sure we got into that in the car, but you don't have any conscious access to any of your definition.

Right.

That's why it's— and I find that a lot. It's funny, I've met about 5 people with this already, and a lot of the time they're Pisces, which is really funny. But you're, you're an Aries, right? But yeah, I wonder if you have something with Neptune in your chart. But anyway, I don't think that there's a connection there, but it just seems to always happen that way. But it just means that it's a difficult struggle to really know yourself. And it's like even the areas of definition of who you are, it comes out of you without you thinking your way there.

Mm.

And it just is expressed and you're not thinking your way there. So It's like also how we do shadow work, right? We look to the past and we reflect and we look at the patterns, the repeating patterns in our life.

Yeah.

So for you, the way that you know yourself, this definition without me telling you, would be like, okay, um, yeah, I guess I am like that because this happened in my life and I was like this XYZ times, you know?

Sure.

Um, so in your chart, there's a part that you're very, very motivated person in the way that you want to succeed in life, you know, to have a purpose, right?

Mm-hmm.

And a very good manager in that, in that aspect. And so now that you've had evidence of being that person, you can reflect and be like, yes, I am that person. But if I told you maybe 15 years ago, you might be like, I'm not sure. If I am that person, because you don't have conscious access to it.

I see.

Right. So, that's one layer that's really important. But also, you have an open G center, which I do too, by the way. And it makes you extremely sensitive to the environment, because it's all about the environment. Um, you are reflecting their environment. You are reflecting people's identities. And so, that's why you can get really lost in, who am I? Because When you're with me, you're a certain person, and then when you're with this person, you're a certain person. And, you know, it really just depends on how you look at it and how you feel about it, because it can really be expressed in a beautiful way, as, as you know now.

Yeah.

That you'd get to experience all these different identities and become extremely wise about what identity means and how that's expressed through people.

Cut to me literally writing the book. Just saying.

Right? Yeah, exactly, exactly. And the authenticity from the open ego.

Yep.

But when you don't understand that part, and you have judgment over it, it's, it's really painful. Because people with an open G Center, we usually look at defined G Centers, and we become very resentful and jealous of them, and wish that we had that, because they have this almost it feels like groundedness in who they are and strength. Like, I am this person all the time, and this, like, assuredness of who they are.

Yeah.

And it's like, I remember I always saw people— I, you know, we always attract what we need to see, our lessons in life. So I was always attracting defined G centers, and that's actually how it works with Human Design. You usually attract the opposite to you. which is how, um, the genetic imperative comes into Human Design. It's so fascinating, you know, because obviously the genetic imperative is to have a gene pool that's healthy, that's—

Nice.

We need to be different, you know, that's why it's against the law to marry your brother and all this stuff. And it's the same with Human Design. We attract the opposite to us to keep the gene pool healthy.

Yeah, to keep it strong. Yeah, yeah.

You can literally map it out. You can see it in someone's Human Design.

So interesting.

Yeah. So you're non-emotional, and a lot of the time non-emotionals, they attract emotionals. So, and like, well, everything in a chart really, but it also really— I noticed it also really depends how much judgment you have over that center, and then you'll likely attract that because that's your lesson. That's what you're here to learn.

Sure.

So Yeah, with the defined G Center, we usually come from a place where we, we look at these people and we're like, I want to be like that. I want to be so sure about myself and like know, know who I am and know my path and know my direction and feel loved and feel like I love myself because I know myself, right? Because how can you love yourself if you don't know yourself?

Right, right.

So that's where the tricky point comes in.

And getting comfortable answering other people's questions when they say, well, why don't you have an opinion about this?

Right.

Why don't you have perspective? Oh, I saw you with this person and you were emulating this type of an energy, and now you're this and it's completely different, and what is that? And they—

Yeah.

You know, there was— there was a lot of— I was in worlds where, in social groups, there was a lot of criticism over my ability to kind of chameleon myself into different social situations, and I could put on these varying personas that I just felt were most appropriate, subconsciously, of course. I would just do this organically.

Yeah.

Where I would just all of a sudden meld into this type of, you know, way of moving, way of speaking, you know, all the things. Even when it comes to my accent, for example. Like, I hardcore, I can sound so American, and then completely English, and then I go to Ireland, and it's like, Mm-hmm. Yeah. Nonetheless, so people were noticing that, and I in some way was being accused of being disingenuous.

Right.

And then I went, what, am I disingenuous? Like, am I an inauthentic person?

Yeah.

Like, because I don't have this strong semblance of identity? When really that was a bunch of bullshit, and I'm extremely fucking authentic. And now I have my way of defining my identity. But it took a journey to get there. And having that conversation with you was a really important part of that, in being able to understand myself on this, you know, much deeper level, and being able to use it as an advantage. It wasn't just informing me of the way I am.

Mm-hmm.

It really, you know, just gave me this sort of an insight to then further decide who I am. Which is extremely powerful. So, I'm very, very grateful for that, like, completely. And now, I'm a huge advocate for anyone to, you know, do a reading and have a good understanding of Human Design and what their Human Design is. So, I'm a good, you know, advertisement for you and for your work and for your services.

Wonderful.

Yes, so, cook for cooks.

Good checks on the post. Yes, exactly.

Check the comments below.

Okay, great.

So, I wanna talk a bit more about shadow work now, if you don't mind.

Sure. I had a lot to say to what you just said.

Oh, go for it. Then respond to that. But that's okay. No, no, respond to that. Go.

That's totally fine. Well, I'm not sure. I think I actually might forget now.

You think you might. It's a tool, Human Design. It can be a tool. I had spoken about how I, you know, received your insight, and then I made decisions.

That was it.

Okay.

Yeah. And I absolutely loved so much when we had this conversation because there are so many people that, you know, you give readings to. And really, it's— I'm not attached to a reading, what I give someone, because what they do with that information is totally up to them.

Yeah.

But it obviously feels really good and makes me happy to see when someone is able to work with it and make improvements and feel better from that. That feels really, really good.

Yeah.

And what's really— and it's so true because it's actually called the Human Design Experiment. And that's why it's really important that it's not a personality test. It's an experiment.

Right.

So, actually, the founder of Human Design, he's called Ra Uruhu. He was Canadian. He talked about how he didn't even believe it himself at first. And so for years, he kept it to himself. And then he realized, he was like, well, this works. But even when he started talking about it and teaching it, he always said, don't just believe me. Like, experiment with it and use it yourself. And if it works for you, great. If it doesn't, don't. Like, move along.

Mm.

It's all good. And I really believe that not everyone is supposed to use this tool. I believe that it could work for everyone, but whether they need to use it in this life, that's like another level.

Totally.

You know, that's another thing. But totally, for somebody to really make— take an action and experiment with their Human Design is so profound because like you said, you have so many insights, and it really helps you to— it really helps you to change your life in so many ways. Because, you know, we live in a world where there's so much choice, and there's so much noise about what we should do and what we shouldn't do. And that's why Human Design is like, cut out the noise. Like, you don't listen— need to listen to this nutritionist saying this, or like this fitness person saying this, right? Listen to your body.

Right.

And obviously a lot of people are saying, listen to your body.

Right.

But Human Design tells you how.

Yeah.

And that's what's so beautiful.

Yes. And Human Design, as you spoke about earlier, something really important to me, it's a really good balance between spiritual as well as science. And that is something that I, I just, it resonates with me so completely. I, I like to say that science explains spiritual, 'cause for me it does in so many ways. We can have a whole conversation about that.

Oh yeah.

Um, but I just wanted to acknowledge that piece of Human Design, there are a lot of people that are like, oh, woo-woo, and it's not. It's not.

Yeah.

So, that's really important. Another thing, though, to speak about kind of what you just said, for me, there was an aspect in my own personal journey and discovering my sense of self and value, and how I was going to assign value to who I am, and how I choose to move through the world, which is all a part of what Builders of a Better World is, right? It's that inward to outward process of investing in yourself, That way you can, you know, optimally contribute to what is around you, right? That's what Builders of a Better World mission is. So, I had to go through a little bit of a journey, for me, where I needed some semblance of external validation from multiple different sources before it really, before I really let it kind of sit in. You know, I was on this really profound spiritual journey, and— Human Design came into my life at this time, and that opened me up to astrology, and that opened me up to this idea of psychic intuition and gifts, and really honing in on a faith-based understanding of creation.

Mm-hmm.

And, you know, all of how we are— the laws of this land, basically. And the thing that is incredibly interesting and absolutely wonderful is the fact that all of those different things Validated each other.

Yes.

At no point did anything contradict the other. That which I was feeling during my meditations, that which I felt very open to receiving from whatever higher source I am able to be so privileged to connect to, in alignment with the synchronicities of our conversation and the specific things that you said and the way you spoke about them, the specifics in my chart and then investigating astrology and having an astrology reading and that being affirmed in the astrology, to then— like, it led me down this really wonderful path where I felt like I was receiving all of the bits that I needed to receive to arrive to where I am now emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Mm-hmm.

You know?

It's—

once you— seek this information, once you, once you have, once you ask yourself the questions, and then you allow yourself to be open to the answers, there are so many different ways you'll receive these answers. When you're asking yourself, who am I? What is my purpose? If you start with those questions, and you just allow yourself to then further investigate and be open to the answers, you'll receive answers.

Yeah.

In every day, every moment of your life, I believe, sitting at a traffic light, you'll receive an answer if you're just open to it. Yeah.

And do you know what's so beautiful about what you said is that it was almost a gateway for you? Because that's 100% what I believe it is. Because yes, a lot of people think these things are woo-woo, and that's totally fine. Like, you don't have to believe in it. It still exists whether you believe in it or not, by the way. Right.

Yeah, exactly.

It doesn't need your belief in it.

It doesn't, yeah. It doesn't need your approval. It carries on without you. It's okay.

It doesn't need your belief. But like, you know, you can choose or not. But what's so beautiful is that it's such— you know, I always talk about also Joe Dispenza as being a gateway because he also combines the two.

Oh, the science and that.

Right? These people, like, these, these modalities and these people that combine both are just so magical. And there's such a beautiful gateway for people that, like— and that's why there's just been this explosion recently. I really believe that. But Human Design is so beautiful because when you have a reading without questioning how it works, because there actually is a scientific reason, but really that is also quite difficult to, to fathom, to be quite honest.

Yeah.

Even the scientific, um, reasoning behind it. But when you have a reading, there is— let's say I've never met someone that has said that's not me. So there's no denying that it's is you, right?

Yeah.

Because it's just so specific. There's no waffle about it. There's no this or that. It's like, it's so specific. And so there's some part of you, and not from your mind, but there's some part inside that's like, it expands somewhat. And also, you know, your capacity in your brain, like, expands. Your awareness expands because you're like, okay, well, If this exists and I can't explain why it exists, then what is reality?

Right.

What is the reality that we're living in? And how does it really all work? I've got to question everything now, because if this works and I can't explain it, then I have to question everything.

And skepticism is healthy to some extent.

Of course.

You know, investigate, do your research, question, be curious. You know, all the things, that's very valuable.

Yes.

Absolutely very valuable. And I was skeptic, you know, for a long time, but I asked the questions and I wanted to be open to the messages, to the answers, to the response, that whatever be it, whatever modality or theory or, you know, trade, I guess, I don't know, like, you know, there's people that, have all these various different ways of answering these questions for us because we ask the questions all the time. And so you just have to be open to it if you choose to be.

I think that's so true what you said about being skeptical, because to be honest, I think that most people— and I myself was there, so like, I really, I speak from experience— I wasn't living in a I was living in a place where I wasn't questioning things. I wasn't skeptical enough.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

It's when you become skeptical, when you start to question things, that your mind opens. So it's actually a really beautiful thing.

Agreed.

It's a positive thing.

I totally agree.

Yeah.

Can we get into shadow work?

Absolutely.

Okay. 'Cause that's something that you have felt very called to when it comes to Human Design specifically.

Yes.

So I would love to just open the floor to hear you just talk about that, whatever it is that you feel called to share. Yeah, yeah. Or we can talk about me specifically, or yourself specifically.

No, that's good.

Um, but yeah, what is shadow work exactly?

What is shadow work? Again, like, it's so huge. If I was to explain thoroughly what shadow work is and how you do it, it would take me about 2 hours. Because I really— I thought about doing this, like, on my Instagram, and I was like, this is not something that you share in a 90-second, 2-minute— No, it's not possible. Yeah. So, but yeah, let's say that— I love to say that there are things that you know, right? That what your name is, where you live. There's things that you don't know. You don't know 48 times 12 off the top of your head, you know, right? You know that you don't know that. But there's also things that you don't know that you don't know.

There's so many things I don't know that I don't know. Yes.

Everybody. Yeah, everybody has those 3 categories.

Sure.

And what you don't know that you don't know is the shadow. And unfortunately, it's running your life.

Sure.

So that's where the tricky part is. And so it's really the subconscious mind. So obviously you have the conscious mind, what you're very aware of, your day-to-day, your thoughts, your ideas, all those things.

Yeah.

And then there's your subconscious mind. And obviously a part of your subconscious mind is about what you do automatically.

Yes.

You know, all your automated responses to things. It's really important to have— like, your subconscious mind is a very, very valuable part. But the thing is, is that subconscious mind is always trying to keep you safe. And the thing is, is that what keeps you safe— what kept you safe when you were a child is usually what keeps you trapped when you're an adult.

Right. It's very primal.

Yeah. So it's like the shadow is— it usually comes from a survival mechanism from a child, from being a child, because obviously as a child you are totally dependent on your parents, right? And so to survive, you— they have to love you and care for you.

Right?

Otherwise you, you die. You literally die. And so because of that, you, you mold yourself into the person that you think that they want you to be. And that's really important to know, that, that you think they want you to be, because that might not actually be the reality.

Right.

We pick up on cues, subtle cues, but also it's what they say, but it's all sorts of things. So It's our parents, our society, but predominantly our parents. And so we become this person and actually become inauthentic, right?

Right.

And we cut off these parts of ours that we believe are not lovable, which is, it's so personal because, you know, if you grew up, actually, I don't wanna say anything specific 'cause you just don't know, but there's certain parts of the world that have, you know, everyone has different conditioning. Totally.

There's different religions.

Totally, different cultures.

Different cultures.

It's everything. So every culture has different conditioning.

It's different. It's conditioning, um, based on culture, and cultures are very different.

Yes.

But so it's essentially something that is programmed, like it's— it is conditioned. You're not born with it.

No, you're not born with it. Yeah, definitely not. Definitely not. It's something that's learned.

It's, it's a, it's a mother wound, father wound, all the things that we talk to our therapists about. Yeah.

Yeah, it's all those things.

Yeah.

It's all those things.

Yeah.

And it's all the things that we, we don't even know that are there.

Right.

It's— there's so much in there. There's, like, emotions, for example. So a lot of people, especially in the UK, because, you know, there's a lot of judgment about being emotional.

Yep. Right?

Yep. Some cultures, they're totally fine with being emotional. Yep.

Right?

But in the UK, it's, it's very suppressed. And so, um, you know, anger, sadness, all the emotions, it's— there's a lot of judgment over it. So that's in the shadow. And actually, so much so that people, like I said, they don't even know that they're angry.

Right.

So I personally speak from experience. I would have said to you 4 years ago, I'm not an angry person. I don't get angry. No, I'm not an angry person.

It's just really suppressed.

It's so suppressed that I never felt it. Like, I never had conscious access to it.

Right.

My body— like, I didn't I couldn't feel my body, right? So that's another part of shadow work, feeling your body. But so we deny these parts of us, so emotions. But then also there's really beautiful things there, like our greatest skill, and that's what we look at in Human Design. So usually your conscious sun— so it— because it's the brightest light, right? It's the sun, it's your brightest light that you're here to shine.

Yeah.

With the brightest light, you get the darker shadows. So usually that's where your darker shadows are. And that's like the cosmic joke, because it's like, what you're here to shine the brightest and share with the world, you have so much judgment over that you can't do it.

That's the first episode of this whole podcast was all about that. It was all about my fear of, of being seen, my fear of judgment. And a big part of my purpose in this life is to allow myself to be seen. I am to be that positive influence. That's just the way that it is. Not influencer like, here's some makeup on Instagram. We're not talking about that. But just to model, you know, the way I choose to move through the world, and to be that example for people.

Yeah, because you're committed to growth.

Yeah, I'm committed to living my highest version of myself, and that just inherently contributes goodness. throughout. I mean, it's, it's like we talked about earlier, you know, I'm a, I'm a huge advocate for understanding, you know, the concept of healing by proximity, you know, surrounding yourself with, with things that bring some semblance of goodness into your world and contribute that aspect of high vibrating energy or positivity or whatever, things that bring you joy. Follow your bliss, right? It's the simplest of concepts. But Human Design helps you understand, it can help you have a semblance of a map to kind of get there.

Yeah.

And the shadow self and understanding that part of things is like, well, here's understanding, you know, when you're living in a way that is in some way maladaptive to getting there. It's the, you know, gravitating towards pain as opposed to towards pleasure, which is how our lizard brain is programmed, which is what you were talking about earlier. You know, the subconscious mind being designed to keep us safe. It's this very, you know, simplistic, you know, kind of unevolved, you know, way for us to just keep ourselves alive.

Yes.

It's just a survival mode, you know, but the other side of it is thriving and, and really living in this existence where you're, you know, optimally just, um, living in the moment, be it good or bad. We were talking about earlier about, you know, this this idea that to be the fullest part— the fullest human, you have to experience the good and the bad.

Mm-hmm.

And you have to allow yourself to be in those states where you are experiencing pain, suffering, hurt, jealousy, rage, all these things that might not be comfortable. But then on the other side, there's all the emotions that, you know, make it worth it. In my opinion.

100%.

And all the feel-good stuff. Um, and my whole existence is understanding how, you know, you can intentionally focus on all those good bits and therefore receive so much more of them.

Mm-hmm.

You know, and yeah, it's just— I, I was so relieved to know that And that's a big part of why I'm doing this podcast. I was so relieved to know that I wasn't in some way broken for not having what I perceived at the time to be a defined personality.

Mm-hmm.

And, as we were speaking about earlier, I've come to own that part of myself, and not just own it, but I see the benefit in it. You know, there are so few things I really care about, in, in the best way possible. I care about a lot of things. The very— the few things I care about, I care very deeply about. My family, love, you know, all the things. Standing by my convictions, you know, I have a very profound gravitation towards justice and like ensuring that things are fair and, you know, all of that. I care very much about that. Um, but with regards to like favorite color, food, what we eat for dinner, different things, like, I don't care about that. Politics, like, certain things, I can understand both sides. I can understand everyone's opinion. I think there's value in everyone having an opinion, and I don't have a defined way of thinking and feeling about those things.

Yeah.

So therefore, I don't put a lot of energy into other things other than that which propels me towards my ultimate goal and purpose.

Yeah.

Which is ultimately where I feel the most fulfilled and happy.

I think that's so beautiful because, well, of course it is in your chart to be very open and to be open-minded and to see every perspective. That's one of your greatest skills, right? But at the same time, you said something that really resonates with— really resonates with everybody because it's about allowance. And when you come from a place of allowance, You're not resisting.

Exactly.

You're not resisting reality.

Exactly.

And it's not that you don't work towards growth still, you know, you've got to have a healthy balance. You're still working towards growth, but allowing what is and not, like, working from a place of non-resistance is so important. And especially because I also work with emotional release, and that's a big part of it— allowance. Like, what is the emotion coming up?

What do you feel?

And seeing it without judgment and just witnessing it and allowing it. Can you allow that to be there?

Right.

Can you allow for this shadow that we've now pointed a very bright spotlight on that you didn't want to see? Can you allow it to be there, even in its— all its ugliness to you, by the way? Because it's not ugly to other people necessarily.

Right.

But can you allow it to be there in all its ugliness to you instead of judging it?

Right.

And that's what shadow work is. It's about looking at the parts of us that we believe are unlovable and allowing them and loving them. It's the first step is allowing.

Yeah.

Second step is, is loving and embracing them, right? So for example, for, for me, there was in my chart There's a big part about communication, and there's a big part of my chart that it's about communicate— taking a— taking big subjects such as Human Design or astrology or something and breaking it down almost into bite-sized format and simplifying it. And so that's the, the high vibration, that's the high expression of, of this gift, let's say, for me, right?

Sure.

But the low vibration is feeling so different because I'm taking— looking at big concepts and I'm seeing things from a different way than other people do, a very individualistic way.

Mm.

And sometimes I'm looking kind of into the future, let's say. So not really in alignment with what's happening in the world right now, more like in alignment with what could be happening in the future.

Sure.

And so the judgment over being different and seeing things differently and having a different perspective, because there's that existential fear of— we are pack animals and we want to fit in, right?

Right.

So there's that huge existential threat there, right? Will I be loved for being different? Because there's so much difference in my chart as yours. That's definitely where we connect for sure, in so many ways, by the way.

Totally.

But that's one of them. And so that fear hinders that expression in me. It literally stunts my expression. So I wasn't sharing what I really thought. I was just— well, a matter of fact, being very inauthentic.

Right.

I was just expressing in the way that other people expressed because then I would be lovable, right? I fit in then.

And that resonates with everyone. There's fear around so much. We're governed by fear in our day-to-day lives subconsciously. That's a conversation in so many of these different types of self-improvement works, right? Is that it all comes down usually to some type of fear that is hindering or preventing us from being that most authentic, being that highest version, being that, you know, thriving kind of an energy.

Yeah. Yes.

That is in alignment with our full truths of who we are and how we view the world.

Yep.

Which is always going to be unique to each individual.

Yes.

And yet at the core, all the same.

Yeah. And you're so right that it is from fear, because— and that is exactly why when somebody's triggered, they have such a strong reaction, because it's existential for them. They don't know. It's something that they don't know they don't know, right?

Right.

They don't know it's existential for them. But it— let's not go into the science, but it triggers a different part of the brain.

Mm-hmm.

Yep. And you are— you're in reaction mode, right? And in that mode, there's a lot of, like, psychologists now that talk about how when you're reactive, you go back to the age that you were when that wound was created.

Yeah.

So, you know, when you're in a relationship and you're like, you're so childish.

Yeah.

And it's like, yes, I am childish, 'cause currently I'm 5 years old.

Right, 'cause that's when this mother wound originated.

Yeah.

Yep. Yep.

That's, that's where you're working from in that moment, and you're totally unconscious. Totally unconscious. You don't have control over yourself in that moment. And that's why the shadow work is so important, to gain control, to, to gain self-awareness, literally. And that's what I wanted to say earlier, is that— oh, I think I did say that I really believe that shadow work is the gateway to authenticity.

Yes.

Because it is the gateway to consciousness. I'm sure there are other ways. I'm biased, of course, 'cause it's what I do. But I really so strongly believe that it is the gateway to becoming conscious and aware of why we do what we do and who we are, really. Because most of us, like the science that say, but by the time, Joe Dispenza talks about it. By the time you're 30, it's like 80% of what you do is automated or something. Yeah.

Yep. Right? Yeah. I'm going to his next retreat, by the way. I'm so excited. Yeah. I love him. Go on.

So a lot of, you know, some of that automation might not be hindering you, but a lot of it is 'cause it's from the shadow.

Yeah.

And it's those patterns that we're stuck in that we don't want to be, but we don't know how to get out of. And that's what's so frustrating. It's like, you know, it can, It can hinder your life in so many ways. You know, you're attracting really disrespectful people into your life, or attracting cheating partners, or like you're not able to make healthy relationships, or just make friends, or have a great— be fulfilled in your job, or there's all sorts of things that it can— or also, you know, with health as well. It can stop you eating healthily, going to the gym, like doing what you need for your body.

Totally.

It's so sneaky. It's so sneaky. And that's why doing the digging is so important to really understand, like, why can't I? What is getting in the way of me not being able to do this? Because my conscious mind is very invested in doing this thing. My conscious mind is like, I'm gonna do this thing.

Right.

But there's something that stops me doing it. And what is that? And that is the shadow. Yes.

Just speaking for myself, and, and maybe this might relate to you as well, and then I think we can wrap up this first episode here. Um, but I, in my desperation to choose to transform, to just to make— definitively make the decision where I was gonna go, okay, I am going to, for the better, improve. I'm going to grow. I'm going to expand. I'm going to change.

Mm-hmm. Right.

And change being the operative word there. Like, I, I moved forward in my life very consciously going, I am going to start navigating things differently, right? Because I was really unhappy. And, and I, for a long time, didn't think I could be happy. I literally thought I was a broken person that was dealing with all this negative karma because I was the descendant from this monster, and I was this spawn of the devil that was simply here to be this awful human being that was contributing in all these detrimental ways. It was terrible. And coming out the other side, I feel the exact opposite.

Mm-hmm.

And now my life is committed to the better and the good and the light. And in order to get there, to what you're saying, I had to honor the dark. I had to honor the fact that there were parts of me that did not serve, and I had to look at them and get really comfortable with them. And, to this day, there are parts of me— I have this little joke with those in my inner circle. I'm like, I'm bitchy, and I love it. Sometimes I'm not perfect. Sometimes I don't navigate things the best way, or the most efficient way, or the most constructive way. And there are parts of myself that I looked at in that way and went, I am going to change this, and I did. And then there were other parts that I said, you know what, I like being bitchy every once in a while, and that's okay. I like sleeping in sometimes. I call it my herkle derkle days. I like herkle derkle every once in a while. I love it. I sleep in, and I am in some way perceived as lazy, maybe, from someone externally looking in.

Mm-hmm.

And I don't care because you go back to that non-judgment and that idea of unconditional love. And it takes both. It takes the dark and the light. But if there are things that you really don't want or you don't— I looked at it as, you know, my depression. I was told that I was a depressed person. I was diagnosed with depression. I had chronic depression. And for years I was medicated. And, you know, there were several doctors that said, well, this is just the way your brain is. This is just the way you are. And eventually I said, fuck that.

Yeah.

And I, and I chose to change. I chose to change. And so my point is that there are times where you take the hard looks and you have your list of things where you go, well, this isn't great, you know, and you can pick the ones that you want to invest in and you can pick the ones that you want to, you know, kind of just completely transform. And then you can keep the other ones and be okay with the way that they are. So you have the power, and that is your choice.

Do you know what's so beautiful about what you just said? Is because in your chart— I just had another little look, by the way, because I wanted to refresh it in my mind— um, you're so individual in your chart. So there's if you— if anyone looks at their chart, you'll see boxes and lines, and you can imagine it like a circuit board, right? And your circuitry, the way that your energy flows, is very individualistic. So some people, they're more tribal, so they're more about their people and their family and their close-knit tribe. And then there's some people that are collective, and they're all about sharing and experiences— experience, you're actually quite collective— having all the experiences, right? But then there's also individual, and there's actually— but they're the basic ones, let's just stop there for now.

Okay.

But the individual is really interesting. I also have mainly individual, so that's what I mentioned before. It's very transmutative. And the thing is, with individual energy, it has an on-off pulse. And so we live in a world where we are addicted to productivity, you know, growing 10% every year, whatever it is.

Yeah.

That growth on growth on growth, productivity, measuring success, hustle culture, all that stuff. Status.

Yeah.

And so your energy, even though you're a generator, so somewhat fits into that productivity, which is great. Um, this on-off pulse does not fit into that. And so there could have been a huge judgment over your off time. And your off time can really feel like you don't have any energy, any energy, right? Lack of energy.

Yeah.

Lack of motivation.

Yep. Right?

Lack of motivation to change. Like, Because it's very transformative. It wants the transformation constantly. It wants change constantly. And when the change doesn't come, it gets down. And the thing is, is that it's supposed to flow. It goes on, it goes off, and it's a flow. And it's just natural if you don't make it mean something, if you don't have a judgment over it. But if you have a judgment over being off and having no energy, then you try and force it. You drink coffee— not you personally, but— I don't know.

Oh no, I do.

People in general, they, yeah, they drink, drugs, coffee, whatever it is, right? To be on all the time. And that doesn't work. And then you get stuck in the off. You can literally get stuck in the off because that creates thoughts. And then that, all those negative thoughts keep you locked into that off pulse, right? All those judgments.

Yeah.

And so when you let go of that, exactly what you said, it's so beautiful that sometimes you're, lazy sometimes, right? That's so beautiful. That's so— that's totally in your chart. And the, and the release, the release of judgment there is so profound because you're just allowed— you're going with the flow, literally.

Yeah.

You're going with your flow.

I listen to my body. I listen to my intuition, my guides. I, I have an inner compass now that helps me navigate between what is good for me and what is not.

Yeah.

And it completely transformed my life.

Yeah.

And it's absolutely wonderful, and I'm very, very grateful for it. Yeah. So, thank you so much for being here. Um, we'll take a chance to wrap up. Um, I wanna hear from you. Have you done anything with Human Design? I'm very curious. Is Human Design something that you would be interested in learning more about? Um, I have a contact for you. Uh, so let me know. Drop a comment, drop a line. You can find me on Instagram, Ashlieya, A-S-H-L-I-E-Y-A. Or Builders of a Better World. Like, comment, subscribe, join the collective. We want to hear from you. Please feel free to be involved. Thank you so much, and I'll see you next time. Thank you so much for being here. Yay, I love you.

That was fun.

Heck yeah. Thank you for joining us here at the Builders of a Better World podcast. Please share, subscribe, comment, and be sure to pass this episode along for anyone who may need it. See you next time.