5. Mommunes as a Better World Blueprint: Community Living for Single Moms

Welcome to Builders of a Better World Podcast, a space for depth, clarity, and honest conversation where presence matters more than performance. Let's begin. Welcome back to the collective meant to build a better world. We are Builders of a Better World. I have a really exciting guest with me today, my friend of many, many years, and also a partner in certain ways because we have A mutual endeavor. That is very important, and that is what we are here to talk about today. Miss Marissa has birthed, and I pun intended, a baby. How would you describe it or define it? Go for it. You speak. Dive in. What is it?

For the most part, it's an idea. Still.

We are in animation stages. Yes. Trademark has been purchased, however.

Indeed. And approved.

Yes. Very good. So yeah. Do you have a way of describing?

Um, my project is called Maamune. I didn't make up the word and I don't claim to be the only one to have thought of it, but I, after becoming a single mom and being an artist, I realized there was a great need for more options and support for women and children, particularly single moms.

So Marisa came to me and said, I have this idea. And I said, that's great. You have a bazillion ideas. Tell me about this one. And she said, I would really love to do a mommyoon. And we had a little brief chat about it and we've had a series of chats about it ever since. And for me, I went, hell yeah, I wanna be involved. Like, let's do this. Let's make this happen. I come from the perspective of not necessarily being a mother, although I was a proud owner of a black pit bull for 14 years. But birthing children is not something I've experienced. So for me, this endeavor spoke to me from the perspective of being the child and having had a mom that arguably could have mommed better. I love you, Mama. But she didn't have a lot of support in any regard. And the challenge that was navigating a relationship with my father made it difficult, I think, to speak on her behalf, to be a proper mom.

Mm-hmm.

When she was in positions of poverty, We'll just get right into it. We didn't have money for food sometimes, and government assistance only takes you so far, and it sure as heck doesn't give you anything healthy. I cannot tell you how many ketchup sandwiches with sliced cheese on white Wonder Bread I ate as a child, or spoonfuls of margarine and sugar. Not proud of that, but— Yeah, 5, 6 years old, you eat whatever is in the fridge, and we didn't have very much. I will never touch fish and chips, like a fish stick frozen. Oh, I can't do that ever, ever again. It was traumatic what we were fed as kids. But my mum didn't have— point being, she didn't have access to many resources. I don't think many resources existed for her. And When she was in a position where she was needing to either remove us and put us in a safer situation because of my father and what that was like, she just didn't have a place to go. So we, being she and I, stayed in situations that were out of survival, desperation, There was no family that rallied around her and provided her that safe place to go or advisement or a semblance of just love and encouragement. She didn't really have any of that. And because she didn't have any of that, I didn't have very much of that. And I like to say now, upon reflection and maturing and resolving and healing, right? I like to say now, growing up, I had everything I needed because I'm still alive and I turned out okay. So therefore, like, my childhood wasn't too bad. Like, I'm like, it was okay. Like, sure, you know, margarine and sugar, whatever. It's fine, but it could have been better. It could have been better if, if my mother had had a proper support system or team, um, that, that sense of community, I may have not had to eat margarine and sugar for dinner. You know what I mean? So when you came to me and said, I have this idea, I was like, fuck yes, like, let's do this so that, you know, in the name of Support for the moms, absolutely. But therein, a more adequate upbringing for kids is something that is possible. The healthier the mom, the better equipped she is to create an environment and foster that for healthy, happy children, I think. So, you know, you come from the perspective of being the mom. Yeah. So, Talk about that.

Well, I mean, it's always eye-opening.

Motherhood, you mean, or?

Yeah, for sure. Anyone going into parenthood has a lot of ideas about what kind of parent they're going to be and decisions they're going to make and rules they're going to have. And then when you're met with it, you realize there's not always all of those options available. And your capacity to function fully with a full brain all the time and that full energy and full capacity to make the decisions that you, when not in that mindset, maybe would make. And then on top of that, being put in a survival situation is just, it's impossible to be your best self and, you know, make the most of all your talents and everything that you do have access to when you're in survival mode. So I, yeah, I just wanted to provide a safe space for people to come together and live more efficiently because it's absolutely impossible to do by yourself. It doesn't matter how much support you have. It's so hard the day-to-day. It's just, it's, you know, it's hard enough for people to take care of themselves, let alone another. thing that is mostly helpless. So I have a lot of empathy for moms that I think, like, I grew up with people in different situations and I heard stories of, you know, I heard story of your childhood and before I was a mom. And I have different friends that had different horrible experiences.

Yeah.

And the choices that their moms had to make. Like I said, having empathy for that and going through the system and seeing how few options there are and why women either choose to stay silent or choose to stay in abusive situations. I, yeah, I don't know. It's until, until you're in that specific situation and circumstances, like you can't pass judgment on anyone's choices. Oh, you really don't. Uh, you don't know.

Mom shaming, we'll call it, quotes. I think, you know, there's a lot of, I mean, there's a lot of judgment. that, you know, just as a society, we tend to look at something and view something from our own perspective and purview. And, you know, it's like a carnival mirror. You can't see what's actually there. So, but I feel like, not to get on the whole like feminist whatever, I mean, you know, women are subject to criticism constantly.

Mm-hmm.

And I feel like society is really quick to judge moms and judge their parenting. Dads, a bit less. So there's a cynicism that I think, you know, is just there, and it's perpetuated in just the way society has been constructed to share their opinions about things, for better or for worse at times.

Yeah.

What we're talking about is the fact that there are gaps, there are holes, right? You have a government that, you know, is helping in some way, and for some people it helps, you know, it does provide what they need. To some people it's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. Sure. So, We're talking about gaps, right? We have a government that, you know, has a certain design that is in certain areas aiding and helping. And for some people, it provides what they need. For some people, they just need a little bit of assistance in the form of food stamps or, you know, help with employment, right? I used to contract for the Department of Economic Security in Arizona. I helped people find and obtain employment. I helped them understand what kind of career exploration options there were. And I worked with, you know, adults, teenagers, people with disabilities. Great program. It exists. Yay. There's, you know, certain welfare assistance, you know, for moms with kids. There's not a lot of therapy. There's not a lot of resources provided for women in situations where they're subject to domestic violence or even emotional abuse. There aren't a lot of provided outlets to aid in recovering from that or healing from that or dealing with that or how to exit that. Like, and not to say that Momyun provides this, but I would really fucking love to see a program that helps with exit strategy.

Mm-hmm.

You wanna leave your partner? We will help set you up secretly or however to get it so that you can leave. So many women stay with their abusive partners simply out of, out of the, like you were speaking about, it's hard to do it on your own. It's hard to do it when you have support from grandma and grandpa or a brother or a sister, you know, but having that spouse, you know, and that idea of partnership, I mean, We're intended to be companion-oriented beings. You know, there's that by itself. You put a woman in a situation where, you know, she's got this youngin', and it's very— I can only imagine, speaking from someone who doesn't have human children, I can only imagine how daunting that would be to try and do that completely on your own. Or even if on your own is just navigating day to day, if you can drop them off on the weekend, that doesn't— that only helps so much.

Yeah.

So, Mommyoon is intended to be something that fills in the holes where the government kind of lacks, right? And it's this philosophy that being more community-oriented with your lifestyle can be that benefit when you're needing your village. How many of us have heard the phrase, it takes a village to raise a child? Mommyoon provides the village. in a healthy environment that perpetuates this idea of inner growth and healing and safety so that your kids can be brought up in an environment where they can thrive and be the happiest little versions of their innocent selves rather than having to grow up by the age of 6 because they're experiencing all of this. I hate to say the word trauma, but I mean, that's really real for some people. There are communities where there are kids raising kids. Momune could be a really good place for that situation to be as nurtured as it possibly can. The idea is to have mentors in place and resources in place, access to, if you're comfortable talking about this from your personal perspective, but access to proper legal help.

Mm-hmm.

That's huge, right? Cusky battles and, you know, understanding how to adequately navigate that, being able to access attorneys who either specialize in or have a, more specific desire and urge, a call to help women in those specific situations, that is a great resource that Mommy and Me can provide. Do you feel comfortable talking about a little bit of your own struggle with that? Yeah, go for it.

Get more specific. Yeah, I get a little trauma brainy when I talk about this stuff and I like forget what I'm saying, well, talking about it is gonna be what makes that better.

And here you have the safest space to be able to talk about that. So take your time. If you fuck up a phrase or a sentence, just start over again.

Just prompt me and, yeah, guide me back.

Heck yeah. Heck yeah. So in, in regards to talking about that component, that pertaining to adequate resources when it comes to law professionals, i.e., attorneys, when you're in situations and circumstances of something like a custody battle or wanting to understand what your rights are as a parent and how you can navigate that separation from your spouse, there's not a lot of aid in that. And you've had your own personal experience with that being exceptionally difficult. Do you feel comfortable talking about that?

Sure. Yeah, looking back, you know, I come from a wealthy family. I'm a very privileged little white girl. Just a baby. So I didn't have a lot of foresight when I decided to leave. I just got scared enough and made the decision pretty quickly. But I had money in the bank and I had somewhere to go because I had family in town with room to take us in. I didn't have a plan. I think all 3 are ideal, but you rarely have all 3 to work with. So yeah, the legal part, like I said, I had I had funds, I had somewhere to go. I had no clue the mess I was about to get into with family court. And that's partly out of being in a traumatized state while, when starting it, not being familiar with that world at all, not understanding the language.

Mm-hmm.

The lawyers wanting to help you, like, a lot of the good lawyers just want to help you stay out of that system because the system is so corrupt and it's expensive and it takes a long time. And in a lot of situations, like, nobody wins. So it ends up just being a big waste of time and money.

That tends to be the judicial system as a whole from other experiences. I can certainly attest to that, but go on.

So then on top of just the daily life of being a single mom, um, people are also under financial stress and, uh, the additional stress of being in a lawsuit, um, not knowing how to navigate it, trying to Like, the people that do speak up are often shamed in silence because if you don't have adequate proof, physical proof, even if you do, the court system is very encouraging of a 50/50 custody plan. Which, Is great. Like, I would agree if, uh, but if one person tends to be, uh, more narcissistic, it just makes it that much more stressful for, um, the healthy co-parent to— it just puts more on their plate to manage on a day-to-day basis.

Sure.

Um, and the day-to-day, like, that's what I want Mommyoon to focus on because That's what matters to the kids as they're getting older very quickly. Their childhood really matters. And like in my situation, I've spent my daughter's entire childhood in family court and being pushed into a financial state I'd never ever thought I'd be in and not feeling like I have a lot of options to get out. So you end up sacrificing not only everything you naturally do as a mom to be a mom, but then having to sacrifice your dreams and just little things that make you happy on a daily basis and make you a healthy functioning person. You don't even have the time to think about anymore.

Sure.

So, mamune, I really— I'm Italian. By combining our resources and our efforts, it just makes for a much more efficient system. If I'm making dinner every night or, you know, just The little day-to-day things that if you have somebody else just covering that, um, you know, it gives you a half hour to do something else or just, um, but I also see it being so much more sustainable for all of society, like not just the women and the children that live there. Um, I think our society has been set up in the opposite direction where profit and—

Mm-hmm.

Power is, you know, that's put first. But if we put the day-to-day lives of our children, of the children of the— I believe all children belong to all of us, and we're responsible for all of them, whether we gave birth to them or not.

That's beautiful.

And if we were all to put their daily life first in all of our decision-making, I very strongly believe that everything else would fall into place behind it and create daily sustainability for all of us. It's like a no-brainer to me. It's a domino effect.

That's a really excellent intention. That's a really beautiful, just next-level semblance of mindfulness, which I love so much. That's incredibly valuable, I think, what you just said. I often have the thoughts, in being involved with developing Momune, I, I often wonder, because sometimes I think about community living and I go, oh man, like sharing space with people and like having to see a group of people every day. Like I go, oh no. But then I think, uh, have I been conditioned to feel that way? Have I been encultured in this idea that independence has more value? It's almost as though as a society, we've developed this sense of like, privacy is so important. And there's this idea that a household must be your own. There's a wife and there's husband and it's their life and they're to build it away from the mother and father-in-law and like that It's revered to have this sense of own, like oneness, which is with yourself, and it's my family, and it's my house, and it's my life, and it's my, you know, and it's, I wonder even with my own self, like does my sought-after privacy, like we talked about yesterday, you and I were out by my fire pit in my backyard, and— You know, we were celebrating that my yard is very enclosed and it's very private. My whole back garden is like, you know, just this little— I can run around naked and I do. And I love that.

As we all should.

Right? And I wouldn't do that if I shared space with, I don't know how many other people. So it's this interesting thing, but I think to really try and create an ideal, quote unquote, you know, utopian life. I think there's value in having a chapter of independence, and there has got to be fucking value in having community when raising your kids like we're talking about.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's, if I, when I have children, I really hope that I can surround them with what you just described, people who have the intention to serve their existence and the betterment of them developing as young little humans in there and prospering as adults. I don't think I'll want the same type of privacy running around in my backyard naked when I have, you know, 2 kids. I think I'm going to want people around so that I can have the help. And they can have the exposure and the support, and they can you know, learn from these other beings that can teach them other things that I cannot. I think there's so much value in that.

Yeah, there's more variety. And I strongly believe that you would actually— it would allow for you to get that alone time and time away to do your things that if you weren't living in a community like that, that You probably wouldn't on a daily basis. So in that, like, I honestly thought of it because I work in film and didn't want to give that up, and it requires travel, and I don't want to disrupt my daughter's daily life unless it's necessary and exciting. So I thought the only way I can pursue my career and be a full, happy, functioning person myself and give everything I want to her on a daily basis is to live with other single moms. So if I get a job and I have to go and I can't bring her, her daily life is pretty much the same. She just has that mom who's there all the time anyway, taking her to school, and I'm gone for the weekend or something.

Yeah.

So it's just less disruptive for everybody and everybody gets more time and access to the things that they need to be thriving individuals within the community. And I'm an introvert. My alone time is very important to me. And that has been hard. A hard part of becoming a mom is not Not knowing that I'm going to get those 2 uninterrupted hours in the morning to do the things that I know I need to be my best self every day. If you're not getting that day after day after day after day after day, you're just slipping more into survival mode and can't thrive. And I, you know, I believe each of us as individuals have unique gifts to bring to the world. And if we're— In survival mode, we just can't do it.

Makes a lot of sense.

And there's so many women. I mean, the way our society has been set up, it's been so, so few of us have had the opportunity to share our full worth and value and talents. with the world. And I think women and children, while we often regard them as property, like I even, no matter, I'm— get on ageism too. But like, I think that children have so much to offer. We're not waiting for them to be adults to have something to offer the world. That's ridiculous. I have so many friends that have died way too young for that to be, you know?

Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, putting that, I think then just each individual can be more their full self because of the community and you get more privacy and the things you need as an individual because you have that support.

That's something I think we need to shout from the rooftops because I think people hear community living and they think lack of privacy. And that's not necessarily what we're saying. You know, it's, it's There's a balance to be had and there's a bit of both. It's just the idea that you have a support around you amongst where you live. And so it's not like sharing a bathroom with 10 other women because as women, I would not, I don't wanna share a bathroom with anybody. Oh, not even my own husband. I'm like, get outta here. You know, you said something a couple of years ago, that really resonated with me, and I hadn't heard another woman describe it that way. And so I felt like that was a really brilliant affirmation for me in my life. But you had said, you know, I need to live in a space where I don't have to worry about someone else coming in the room every once in a while.

Mm-hmm.

And that resonated with me so completely. So we're 2 self-proclaimed introverted, very independent women, Right. And we're celebrating that. And we're celebrating this idea that if you're going to thrive independently for yourself, living in a fucking village might be where we need to be. And that seems counterintuitive, yet it's not. Right. This idea of having, you know, ample social accessibility amongst, you know, like-minded individuals, I think is extremely undervalued and understated. Having that collective approach to raising your children, why anyone would ever wanna do that any other way, I have no idea. And then again, just in a society where you're provided ample resources to think, be, and do in any way that serves your highest and best self, that's what momyun is. That's what momyun is intended to be, right?

Mm-hmm.

So fucking beautiful. What else do you want to say or share?

I thought of something when you were talking.

Yeah, I got it. It'll come back to you. It'll return.

Yeah. Um, oh, I was thinking of like, there can be so many different models and types, like totally depends on the property. So, um, I bought my first mom-and-pop property in Oregon and it's an old Girls' home, so it used to house foster children because there's a really good school in that area. So it was a chance for these girls to go to a better high school. So it's huge, 4,000 square feet, 2 levels, and just a bunch of rooms, and 8.5 acres. So I have all different ideas and ways to split that up so that people— can get their privacy and be there as a community. And for me personally, like we were talking about outdoor privacy, and yeah, communing with nature is really healing and important for me. So that's why I've picked my locations to be out in the woods, but I can also see it being a—

What?

Do a trailer park, you could do an apartment building, you could do, uh, like all these malls are just empty and they don't know what to do with them anymore. Um, years ago I had the thought to like make that, make them community centers, um, where women and children can live there. And then there's like this hub where you can go work and play and learn and, and so shopping. I heard that too.

There, when I went to Thailand, even Vietnam, Vietnam especially, there are so many abandoned resorts that are just sitting there unfinished and vacant. And as we were going through some of these areas, I was like, oh my God, if I had the means, I would absolutely just buy this property and turn it into a community living space.

Mm-hmm.

Because it's beautiful. Like that, it would, yeah, that would be lovely. It can be an internationally Like, it's a movement, it's a philosophy, it's a way of life is what we're proposing. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's— I'm calling it the mommy movement, and I want to build and normalize, uh, this. Like, it's not a weird— like, I don't know, so many people actually— okay, a lot of married women are very drawn to this idea. I think just having a place, a safe place away from men's gaze is something we don't have. And I'm not like, I love men, but there's just something to, you know, like having a place where it's just like not even a thought that we have to entertain.

Well, that goes back I mean, you know, not to nerd out on history and the evolution of humans as a society, but originally, right? I mean, we were divided. Females had these roles and responsibilities, males had these roles and responsibilities, and we weren't paired individually with partners. You know, there were very often women took multiple male mates and You know, a lot of time was spent women amongst women in what they provided the tribe or the village or the kingdom. I mean, you know, you have a harem of women that most of the time they're just hanging out, spending time with each other. And there was, there were certain aspects to that that obviously felt completely natural because that was the origin and how things organically developed. For whatever reason or purpose at the time, that was the way things naturally were. So I think there's something to you having that instinct or desire or urge. It could be primal, it could be, you know, out of a need for something that you're not currently getting or receiving. Do you have an indication as to which one it might be? Like, do you think it's due to— Um, I hate, I don't wanna use the word lack, but do you think it's due to something that you're lacking in your life, or do you think it's something that you're just feeling innately called to being a part of, or both perhaps?

Uh, mommying in particular?

The, the need to be around a collective of women outside of a male gaze, to what you said.

Yeah. Well, I think, uh, I felt more that way, uh, shortly after leaving.

Um, I think— Leaving your husband, to be specific.

Yeah, leaving my ex-husband. And, um, how can I word this where you get in legal trouble? Um, uh, after, after leaving abusive situations, I think women need that space to heal and Like, I, I just noticed about myself, I was very triggered, um, by like any man trying to talk to me. I became extra sensitive to just like anything that could be or lead to— I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to wear baggy clothes and not wear makeup, and like, I just didn't want that attention at all.

Sure, sure. Do you foresee, um, so speaking to that point, do you foresee Momyun being more of a, um, rehabilitation temporary situation to be in, allow yourself to be in that state, or do you foresee it being more of a long-term living situation?

I would love for it to be both because the current Resources are usually temporary, and I have learned that these situations are not so temporary. And so I would love to provide a place where people can come in for whatever they're needing. And if they feel that they want to stay the rest of their lives, amazing. I'd love to have a network of them so that more women and children can travel. You can have a membership and, you know, it's treated like Airbnb, but you're always staying at a mom-inn. That would be cool. It'd be a great thing to set up a system where women can invest and build their personal nest egg, if you will. And always have that to fall back on. So if, you know, if you're in college and you invest in a momyun, whether you live in it or not, and then you decide to get married or whatever, um, you can, you either have that to pull from or you have it to fall back on when you, if you should be in the terrible situation where you do need somewhere to go. Interesting. Um, and then I also can't help but picture a momyun musical.

Mommy in the musical. That's, oh, that's always comically hilarious. Okay. Wow. Cool. Perry. Um, so we need donations. Mommy needs donations. Your call to action would be if you feel it is on your mind or in your heart to donate, there's a link below that will give you the access to be able to donate directly to Mommy. So please do that. Help us build a better world by creating Mommy.

We also have a storefront. If you are a woman maker of any sort, we'd love to host your goods on our site.

Yes. And sell them through the Mommyoon store.

And the Mommyoon Market.

Yes. That link will be posted below as well. Okay. Well, thank you so much for sharing. I know it's— Thank you for having me. My pleasure. It's very vulnerable to talk about. Yeah, but we're here to build a better world. Let us know if you'd be interested in staying in a Mommyoon. I would super love to hear in the comments, or if you want to send me a DM, you can find Builders of a Better World on Instagram as well as our YouTube channel. And then of course, I'm Ashlea. I'm on Instagram as well. You can find me. Let me know, would you benefit from a momyun? I'm curious to hear. See you next time. Thank you for joining us here at the Builders of a Better World podcast. Please share, subscribe, comment, and be sure to pass this episode along for anyone who may need it. See you next time.