04 Masterful Comm The BABE formula

Welcome back everyone, this is Rae Chois, Master Certified Coach and Coach Training Professional. I've been doing that now for about 11 years and I'm so glad that you are back for some more information. I've got some free information now and I'm finally pulling together the BABE Formula. Now if you haven't been introduced to what I've been sharing so far, very briefly I've been saying, look, there's 2 ways that you can show up to communication. You can show up as a reactor or you can show up as a creator. A creator is someone that is above the line. Now, this is a question I hope you've been asking yourself, 'cause it's a really powerful question. In any moment where there's a little bit of discomfort, you wanna ask yourself, okay, where am I? Am I above the line or am I below the line, right? Am I being a creator here where I'm opening up to choice, or am I a reactor where I'm shaming and blaming and complaining and in a lot of pain here? And the lower you go below the line, the less and less and less choice you've got access to inside of yourself. So awareness creates choice, and I'm gonna create more awareness for you today. Are you ready? Okay. And actually, as I think about it, it's not just awareness creates choice. Choice also creates awareness, because every time you make a choice, there's new awareness. So we want to have both going and pay attention to all the learning and growth opportunities in our life. So as a quick recap, the BABE formula, 2-step process. BABE is an acronym. As I shared with you, it's a simple, sexy strategy to communicate at a really high level in sucky, stressful situations. So this works. And the first thing you want to do if you're in a stressful situation is get into a place where you're being available inside of yourself. And this means you gotta get yourself above the line and into the stands of being a creator. Okay, you've got to open up to possibility. You're not shrinking and getting yourself below the line, You're above the line. So the first step is to be available, and you want to ask yourself, am I above the line or below the line? If you interact below the line, it's likely not going to work out, and I'm going to show you why. Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You want to communicate above the line. If you communicate below the line, danger, danger, danger. Okay, so the first step, you gotta get yourself available inside yourself and take 100% responsibility For your inner resources. Step 1. Step 2, be effective. And there's the 2 ways that the world can come at you. Okay? So let's now introduce what's next. Are you ready? Here's the BABE formula. Okay. So this is the BABE formula. Whew! All these flip charts, right? Here's the BABE formula. Okay, once again, be available, be effective. So step 1 is to be available. You want to notice where you are in relationship to the line, and the higher you go above the line, the more you're able to create in life and the more possibility you have to choice, right? You're available to choice. Below the line, very little choice. Okay? Now, that's the first step. Be effective, second step. I'm going to invite you to consider something. Okay, now I'm not saying that this is true. I'm just inviting you to consider the possibility that life comes to you with 2 options. Okay? 2 options for you to notice what life is bringing you. Now, what is that? Well, life brings you one of 2 things. Consider this, and I'll explain my rationale behind this in just a moment. Life is either a request for love. Or the giving of love. Okay, now it's like, Rae, come on, it can't be that simple. It really can. Let's think about this for a moment. Let's start with the easier one, giving love. Okay, we'll get back to the request for love in just a moment. Giving love. So life is always giving us beautiful gifts, isn't it? I mean, just think of all the ways that life, life gives you love. You know, it might be a smile, it might be a warm tone of voice, A message of appreciation. It might show up in the form of a hug. It might show up in the form of a gift. It might show up in the form of service, right? Spending time with somebody. The birds, the mountains, the skies, the sunsets, all of those things are a gift of love. And when you can see them, when you can experience those gifts of love, your life is very rich. But guess what? If you're below the line, what happens? If you're below the line and someone gives you a gift of love, let's say they give you a compliment and they say, hey, you know what? You did that presentation exceptionally well. And let's say you're below the line, and let's just play a scenario here. Let's say you're at a 5 below the line. If you're at a 5 below the line and somebody gives you love, what do you think is gonna happen? I'm gonna feel good. What do you think is going to happen? You know, right? You know what that looks like because when you're below the line— do you like my little picture here? When you're below the line, you block love. You are not in the condition to receive love. You don't have it in you to actually allow it to come in, so you block it. Okay? You block it. Give love? If you're below the line, you can't receive it. You won't see it, you won't hear it, you won't feel it, and even if you do, you're likely to think that that person is being insincere, or, you know, you're going to find all these ways to be skeptical or make them wrong about doing that. I mean, you're going to find yourself playing some crazy game that's making up some storyline that's keeping you below the line. Okay? Stop that. It does not work. Okay? If you can't receive the gift of love, you're going to feel like this. Most of the time. So you gotta take responsibility for getting yourself above the line and allowing for those gifts of love to be received. Because guess what? When you're above the line and you see the smiles and you engage with those smiles, or you hear that warm tone of voice, or you accept that hug and appreciate it, or you really read that email that's giving you a great compliment and you actually let it in— when you're above the line, what happens? You ready for my picture? Yes. When you're above the line, look at you, you're holding the whole world, you're able to engage. This is a picture of somebody doing drums, okay? I'm not the best artist in the world, but this is the energy, right? There's joy, there's upliftment, and guess what? You can give love back and you can create the energy of that kind of expression. I mean, what a gift to life. So somebody gives you love, you're a creator, you create more Your love out of that love. You smile back, you say something beautiful back to that person, you appreciate that gift with every single cell of your body. You are a gift when you're above the line because you can receive love. Now, this is the nice side of the equation, right? It's when life is giving us love. Now, there's the other side, and Again, I'm making a bold statement here by saying, look, everything is a request for love or just the giving of love. But let me explain my rationale here, okay? The request for love can come in lots of different packages, lots of them, okay? It might be as simple as, honey, could you bring me a cup of tea? Or, mama, could you please iron my shirt? You know, I mean, these are pretty simple requests for love, okay? But we all know the other packages, don't we? You've experienced them. We can scale it, you know, maybe a 1 is, Mama, could you iron my shirt? You know, or, Mama, can you bring my lunch to school? Or, Sally, could you please get that report in as soon as possible? Whatever the scenario, right? But then we've got those other ones over here, right, where somebody walks into our office and they throw something down on the desk. This isn't good enough! Make it better! Right? Or, you know, you're talking to someone and all of a sudden All of a sudden they are completely offended and they just are like batting you over the head with a request for love. Now it doesn't look like a request for love because they're— I mean, it seems to you like they're being a total complete jerk. Excuse me, but I mean, it just looks like they're losing it or they're in a crazy state of affairs, and they are because their request for love is so bold. Something inside of them has them feel disrespected or not available to communicating with you. you, and they're requesting love. Now, here's the thing. I invite you to consider that behind every behavior is a positive intention. This is one of the core principles that Milton Erickson, who's of course the main model of the college that I work for— I work for Erickson Coaching International. It's one of my many roles on the planet is to work for Erickson. And Milton Erickson was the gentleman that my mentor, Dr. Marilyn Atkinson, and studied, and he actually had 5 main principles that he worked with, with all of his clients, and this was a man who sat down with people with schizophrenia and manic depression and horrific diagnoses, and he would actually create miracles with them. Now, if you want to look up Milton Erickson and do some research, I really encourage you to. I'm just going to share with you his 5 principles, and as international coaches, we come from these 5 principles. Just really briefly, everything is okay, so it's the The okayness principle. Everything in the universe is okay just as it is. Second one, people already have all the inner resources to be a success. Even if they don't know how, they can figure out how. Okay, so that's the second principle, and it relates to all of this. It might not make sense in this moment, but don't worry about it. I'll come back to that later. Okay, the third one, and this is what's most important— the last 3 are what's most important. People are Always doing the best they can with the information they have at the time. So the way that they were brought up, okay, the way their mama treated them when they were little, how their teachers talked to them, the conclusions that they made inside of themselves, they're doing the best they can. And so when they make a request for love, they are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time, and the package may not be a pretty one. Okay, the guy that's walking down the street and kicks the dog, you're going, That's a request for love, you know, or the man that is screaming at his staff, that's a request for love. If we peel away the layers, the 4th principle is that behind every behavior there is a positive intention. As dysfunctional as it might look like on the surface and as crazy as that request for love might be, okay, I just invite you to consider that. Now I'm gonna share more about this, and perhaps your brain is thinking of lots of different objections right now, like, Rae, I don't think so. This is, you know, Trust me in this moment, just try it on and consider that everything is giving love or a request for love because people are always doing the best they can with the information they have at the time and behind each behavior is a positive intention. And the 5th principle by Milton Erickson, he said, look, change is inevitable. In every single moment, you know, certain things are growing and expanding and opening up And other things are falling away. And hopefully our dysfunctional communication and other people's dysfunctional communication around us is starting to fall away. Okay? But who you are is the person that needs to take 100% responsibility for your communication. Because when you are at the line, when you are at the line and above your gift, but if you're at the line— or I'm sorry, excuse me, if you're below the line and someone gives you a request for love, and let's say it takes a really Horrific package. What happens? Stick with me here. I know that, I know that you guys are getting anxious. This is it, right? You are a complete hostage to the moment. That request for love creates you making requests for love, and you go down and down and down, and all there is is this chaotic request for loving. And it's horrific, and everybody is in trauma drama mode, and nobody's feeling heard or respected or appreciated on any level. This is what happens, okay? If you're below the line and there's a request for love, hang on, because you are a victim and you're going to be swept away and you're going to be down in the rabbit hole with them wondering, how did I get here once again? Okay? So take 100% responsibility for your life. Stand at the line and become a creator, because no matter what the request for love, if you're a creator, you absolutely You can handle anything. You can handle any request for love and be totally resourceful, at ease, relaxed, being all of who you are. So I want to go into depth in this model with you. I want to support you to stand powerfully at the line and way above it, because when you're above the line, you can create rapport, you can presence the moment and really make a connection, you can ask powerful questions, you can really listen to people, and you will be a transformational communicator. So get out there, practice with the B.A.B.E. formula, give me your feedback, and I will see you on the next video.