Ask A Communication Coach: What Actually Is A Personal Boundary? Ft. Raele Altano

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We're here to amuse your bouche. Hello, and welcome to Diet Starts Tomorrow. I'm Remy.

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So psyched. We've talked a lot about how best to communicate boundaries and needs with loved ones on the pod. I feel like it comes up all the time in the advice questions that we receive. So today we're thrilled to have on a communication expert to talk with us about roadblocks that many of us face in social situations and just how to be better communicators in general. So please welcome my friend and certified communication coach, Raelle Eltano.

Yay.

Hello.

Hello.

Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you for coming on. Um, Raelle and I met. We used to work together for a brief time, and then at some point, I think it was over, the pandemic, I started seeing you making these videos on social media, and at the time, you were confidence coaching. You called yourself a confidence coach, and I'd love to hear how you kind of segued into communication. Yeah. Transition. Thank you. That was the word I was looking for. But I was noticing you making these videos, and a lot of people make this type of content. But when I would see your videos, I was like, oh, this is actually, like, this is actually stuff that I could implement in my own life. They're really good. So tell us how you got into it and how you started your business.

Sure, sure. So right before the pandemic, I had just gotten married, and I was thinking about, like, what do I want to do with the rest of my life and my time? And I have always loved connecting with people, helping others where I can, and just making an impact in some way. And I learned about coaching. I liked that it was an in between from nothing and therapy, and it was just something a little bit different and I guess more action Oriented. So during the pandemic, I got my coaching certification and I had the time because I was laid off. There were nothing was happening. There were no events taking place and I had the time to get my certification. I did start more broadly with life coaching, confidence coaching for women. But as I. Which was great, don't get me wrong. But as I was working through all of that, I realized that confidence is made up of so many things. It's how we speak, it's how we present ourselves, what we wear, like what. It's so many, there's so many factors to confidence.

By the way, Emily and I are both wearing sweatshirts right now and Raelle looks amazing.

Yeah, it's not giving confident my outfit today, if that's what we're for.

We're giving comfort, dental.

It's all about what you feel good in. But you know, you guys look great. And my point was like, it's, there's just so many layers to confidence. Like, what does that really mean? I said maybe niching down a little more would just get my message across more and impact people more. I would already touch on communication a lot in my content and working with clients then. And I thought like, I think focusing on communication a bit more would make more of an impact. So I pivoted a little bit. The end goal was the same, but I pivoted a little bit to start really focusing on that. Giving specific examples, giving very tangible takeaways in my content, not just having it be abstract and maybe try this. I really wanted to give people tangible things that they can implement in their day to day lives. And it's been really, really great. It's been a really great pivot. I feel how much people are getting value out of it and just feeling like they're heard, which is so cool.

How is the process with getting your certification for coaching?

Sure, great question. There's a few different ways you can do it. There's the International Coach Federation, it's called, or the abbreviation for that is icf. And there's a coaching program with them and then there are programs that are accredited with that federation. So to start with, I got my certification from an ICF accredited program through the Coach Training Alliance. It was a six month program and I did it from 2020 to 2021. And it was a combination of practicing good listening skills, asking questions, not necessarily interjecting with your own opinions or thoughts right away, really being like a sponge to absorb what your client's saying and then ask them questions to get them to unpack the layers a little bit more. Of course, eventually, like if you want to provide some insight or suggest a different perspective, you can. But it was a combination of learning those skills and like not jumping to be like, look, this is what you gotta do. And that's that like it's a little bit of like, well, what if you thought about this differently? Or like, would it be helpful if you tried XYZ or how did this work for you in the past? What would the ideal version of you do in this situation? So there are longer programs, there are shorter ones, but I started with the six month program because it felt right. You don't even technically need to get your certification to do any kind of coaching, but.

Oh, there are lots of life coaches out there who are self certified.

Right?

Certified on TikTok maybe.

Right, exactly. Which I guess is fine. But to me it was important to start somewhere and eventually I would like to get my certification through the icf, like the International Coach Federation too.

Okay.

And did you ever struggle yourself with communicating or confidence?

I would say yes, a little bit. It's interesting because it's like I struggled with it at times and went down the people pleasing route, but then also learned a lot of skills just because of my life situation. My parents got divorced at a young age. I was an only child and I was always like a mediator between them and a liaison.

Remy and I both have divorced parents, so we know that whole deal.

Mine are separated forever.

Permanently separated. Yeah, that's actually, that's possibly even trickier. It's very strange thing to navigate, but. So you were kind of like code switching between each parent and mediating between them.

Yes, yes. But then at the same time like kind of trying to keep the peace. So then that's where like the people pleasing tendencies might come into it. And not necessarily having the most stable household kind of messes with your confidence a bit. I think like it can for some people it doesn't. And then for others, not that I wasn't loved or anything like that, but I think it can just create like an unstable foundation when you're so young and you just don't really know what's going on. So it was an interesting mix of both, I guess. Like I had to learn a lot at a young age. But then also I feel like I did struggle with confidence and just like knowing who I was, you know, because I was always so busy trying to like maintain situations, put out fires, be.

The best person for the person that you're with in the moment.

Yeah, yeah.

You Know, it seems like a problem that a lot of, I want to say, mainly women deal with is being people pleasers or feeling like they don't address their own needs. They're always thinking about everyone else's needs. Yeah. Why do you think that is?

It's a great question. And I feel like it's. We could talk for hours about this. I think for the most part, women tend to be nurturers. Right. Like, we want to make sure everyone's taken care of, everyone's good, everyone's content. And it can come at a fault almost where you then put yourself in second place or you want to keep the peace, or like, you don't want to say anything for fear of making something awkward or like, oh, my God, I'm going to upset this person. Meanwhile, maybe that person should be worried about not crossing a boundary with you to begin with. You know, like, maybe they should think a little bit more before saying or doing something that's crossing the line. So, yeah, I think it's a. It's. It's just a combination of being maybe innately nurturers and then also learning from.

Society, projecting it onto you.

You know, that's also. That's another thing that I love about your content is sometimes I'll watch one of your videos and it'll be like, suggestions for how to respond when someone's making you uncomfortable. And the things that you'll suggest. Initially, I'll be like, damn, like, I.

Could never say that.

Like, you'll suggest somebody say. Like, if somebody says something and then they say, oh, it was just a joke. We hear this all the time. Like, oh, it was just a joke. Don't be so offended. Then you'll suggest saying, like, well, can you explain the joke? I don't find it funny.

Yeah, yeah.

And then just let it linger. To me, that's like, oh, my God, so uncomfortable. But at the same time, it's like they will think twice about messing with you again.

Right, Right. I mean, it's. And it's also about tone and delivery a little bit. Right. Like, you can almost.

You can act stupid. You'd be like, wait, I don't get it. What was funny about that?

Right, right. Like, it's coming from a place of, like, curiosity. And it's like, you know, can you explain that? I don't, I don't understand.

And is that something that you've actually done with people?

Yes. The more so, I think that the more you kind of exercise this advocating for yourself, communication, muscle, the easier it gets. And I could have never said that. I think, like, 10, 15 years ago. But, yes, I have. And it just kind of, for the most part, it just puts the other person at a loss. They just have to take the L and they're like, okay. And they're like, well, it's kind of.

Like, if you're gonna make me look stupid, I'm gonna kind of make you look stupid a little bit. But not like so much of a retaliation, but just like, this is how it feels when someone makes you feel.

Stupid or if it's not even about you. Like, I do the same thing. And a lot of times male comics that I'm around will call something gay, right? And I'll go, oh, in what way? And then eventually they have to be like, I'm using it in the bad way, where I'm saying that being gay is bad. And I'm like, oh, why?

Yeah.

And I feel Emily and I have had, like, a lot of conversations about this where I guess I'm a lot more confrontational.

She's a little bit more of an instigator than I am. I'm way more of a conflict avoider. Like, I would rather just go stew in my own anger or whatever I'm feeling than, like, make something more of a situation. But then sometimes I lose out by doing that.

So how do you know which situations to be an Emily and to be a Remy.

Great question, great question. I mean, it's so circumstantial, I think, that you have to listen to your gut a little bit. I know that sounds so cliche, but listening to, like, what really, like, strikes the chord and not in a good way is where it's like, you know what? I need to say something about this now versus letting it stew and building resentment or feeling like you missed an opportunity to speak up. And one little exercise I guess I'd suggest for this is to think about what your deal breakers kind of are in advance. Let's say you're going to an event where, I don't know, maybe you're single and, you know, people are gonna ask you questions about your dating life or what you're up to and what's your status and this and that. Maybe thinking about the comments or questions that are like, no no's for you, like, what are you willing to accept and from whom, and what are you willing to just draw the line at and be like, you know, I'd prefer not to really talk about that, or, like, let's change the subject. And I think thinking about that in advance. It may sound a little silly, but before an interaction, before a get together, before a party, whatever it might be, can help you prioritize. Like, where you want to speak up versus what you're willing to shrug off or let go in the moment. Does that make sense?

Like, yeah, no, that does make sense. I'm thinking about, like, how this maybe pertains to my own life, and I'm at the age where I'll go to social events and people that I don't even see that much will be like, have you frozen your eggs yet? Like. Cause I'm at that age where suddenly everyone's saying, like, I need to freeze my eggs. It's annoying.

Yeah.

But, like, in the moment, I'm like, I'd rather just kind of laugh at it and whatever and not make it into a big thing because I don't see these people that much, you know? But if it was or if I was in a situation where it was like, all the time, somebody was bringing it up to me, are you gonna freeze your eggs? Then that would feel more appropriate to be like, okay, I need to set a boundary now.

Sure, sure. And that makes complete sense. What if, though, you were to suggest to someone or say to someone, like, laughing it off. Yes. Still. Still keeping with that, because I think that's true to you and it aligns with you. But what if you were to be like, wow, like, that's a pretty. That's a pretty personal question for, like, the. Where we're at the first drink of the night or the first cocktail of the night. That's a pretty personal question for the beginning of this event. Almost like laughing it off, but letting them know, really.

It also depends who's asking it too. If it's some older man that you never see and he's a friend of.

Your dad's and he's like, you freeze your eggs yet?

You're like, why are you asking me that versus if I know a lot of people who are doing it now and they ask each other as if they're being. So where are you applying to college?

Right.

You know, because, like, they're all going through. Are you going through. I'm freezing.

Are you freezing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Context matters.

Where you wouldn't want to make that person uncomfortable because they're asking for, oh, maybe some advice or, like, some camaraderie or something like that.

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We got some listener questions. So what we did was we polled the listeners about what situations. They tend to be different types of communicators. So do you want to share the poll results first?

Yeah. So these are pretty interesting. And we came up with the responses in the polls because, like, they're like, I don't know. There's only so many ways that you can respond. So if there weren't ways that you respond, sorry, these were. How do you handle conflict with family, friends, or romantic partner? The ways that you could respond were head on, avoid passive aggressively, or sit with my feelings and then express myself. If there's another way that you respond, write in. But for conflict with family, head on was 18%. Avoid was 36%. Passive aggressively was 23%. And then sit with my feelings and express myself was also 23%.

It's pretty split.

It's pretty split. And I'm shocked that our generation wasn't mostly passive aggressive.

I was gonna say, I feel like it might be a little skewed because I feel like some people who are passive aggressive in communication, they either don't know they are or they wouldn't admit to that.

They wouldn't write that down.

Yeah, but I'm passive aggressive with my family. I know that for sure. Like, with family, I'm more likely to be passive aggressive.

I'm pretty sure that's how I responded to it.

Yeah.

How do you handle it with a friend? 15 said head on. 40% said avoid, which is. It's more than family. Like, you would think that you would avoid family more with anyway, passive aggressively was 14. And then sit with my feelings and Express myself was 31%.

To me, that tr. So most people said avoid.

Yeah, right.

Yeah. That's how I answered avoid with friends because I feel like with friends, it's. They're not family. So there's always like this thought in the back of your head, like, if I poke the bear, maybe they won't be my friend anymore.

Right.

That kind of sounds sad to say out loud, but I think that is the feeling.

But we were talking about it too Beforehand that a lot of people are in friend groups, so they don't want to bring up the thing that's going to be like the big drama in the group. They're like, I'm just going to let it go. And then we get to. With your romantic partner. Head on. 46% hilarious. People are starting fights.

People are picking fights with their partners, but not with their family. I'm shocked.

We're friends.

But also, again, the verbiage in that, like, head on could just be like, I, we have an issue, how I'm feeling.

Right.

Or it could be like, wow, someone didn't call me today.

Right. But see, I take that as more passive aggressive.

But that is more passive. That's aggressive aggressive.

Yeah.

Avoid 10%, passive aggressively 14% and then sit with my feelings and then express myself 30%. Which.

That's what I said.

Same.

I'm more likely to do that with, with my boyfriend than I am with my family. My family. I'm more likely to explode or like, be. Be passive aggressive.

Like the most unfiltered.

Yeah. Like, I'm a gremlin with my family. Like, I am not a well behaved person. If I acted the way that I do around my family with anybody else in my life, they would all hate me. And I just feel like you have the freedom to do that with your family. Or maybe it's. Maybe it goes deeper than that. Maybe it's like reverting back to childhood roles or whatever.

I think a bit of that too.

But also, you didn't pick your family. You pick this one specific person. If you're in a monogamous relationship, there's one person. And so it does make sense that you would want to sit with your thing, word it the right way, because you're very invested in figuring out this issue.

Yeah. Yeah. And you don't want to hurt their feelings is another thing. Like, you don't want to come to them with a problem and end up hurting their feelings. What did you say? What did you say? Ronnie's like, I love hurting his feelings.

No, I'm like, it's less that I'm concerned. Like, I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I more want to get my point across. And I think that when you react just like immediately, sometimes things get lost in tone. Like Ben literally calls me Tony because my tone gets so crazy and he'll be like, tony, take it down.

So then what do you do? Do you take it to the notes app? Like, do you like, without exposing him?

I have taken it to the Notes app before. And I got very concerned because I saw something on the Internet that was like, if you've ever had to take to the Notes app, dump him. And I'm like, no, because I. I.

Just like to sort out my feelings.

I do the Notes app for a lot of people in my life. Like, it's not him, it's me working through. Am I communicating this effectively?

Well, how do you feel about this? Like, if. How would you suggest approaching. If you had a problem with somebody, would you say, write out all your thoughts or like, do you have a catch all piece of advice for that?

Sure. I think that the Notes app, or really any. Anywhere that you can write it down and get your thoughts together, remember things, maybe is a great way to do it. I encourage my clients to do it all the time. I do it. It's not about, like them being a bad person per se, or you have to dump him. It's about you articulating what you want to say.

Well.

Or like remembering examples. Because let's say you want to make your point in a thesis statement.

Yeah, exactly.

And then have your supporting paragraph.

Yeah.

Bibliography.

Yes, yes. The sources, all of that.

Receipts, timeline, proof, everything.

No, I think it's a great way to just get every. All of the clutter in your mind into somewhere that's a little more concrete. And then maybe you'll even. It's a great way to check yourself. Like, actually, what was that thought even? That was just me overreacting. I'm not even gonna bring that up. Like, yeah, it's not always about the other person necessarily being wrong and you have to, like, clap back or like, put them in their place. Sometimes it's about checking yourself too.

Yeah.

So, yeah, no, that's a good point because, like, if you can't write a little personal essay that makes sense about why you're mad, then maybe you're overreacting or maybe you're. It's just a trigger within you that doesn't really have to do with the other person.

Right.

Makes a lot of sense.

Maybe Tony's just in a mood.

I love so.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Tony is great.

We asked a bunch of people to submit their own questions about areas that need communicating. And this one has to do with romance, but also a friend relationship. And so this one is. My friend is roommates with my ex. That's how I met him. She set a boundary with me about not asking her what conversations they have about me and the breakup and not using her to communicate with Each other. I'm all for boundaries, but I'm uncomfortable with the thought of my friend setting a boundary that pretty much says she can talk about me behind my back. With my ex, that crosses my boundaries. And now I find myself deliberately holding back information about my life from her because I don't trust that she won't mention something privileged to him. I understand that roommates necessarily have a relationship of some sort, but I feel like she should have prioritized her friends friend over her roommate. Now I'm considering slow fading the friendship entirely. How do I navigate this?

Oh, that's a tricky one.

Right?

That's a tricky one.

That is a tricky one. And I like how boundaries are just flying all over the place. Like, she's like, I have this boundary, but she has this boundary and now my boundaries crossing her boundaries. It's like there are too many boundaries.

Right, Right.

This is also. This would be such an uncomfortable situation, your friend living with your ex. I guess it's not on the friend to not live with the ex because it sounds like she has a friendship independent of whatever their relationship. And she met him through the friend. But God, I'm just putting myself in her shoes. That would be really awkward. And I personally would be so freaked out that they're talking about me all the time.

But my question, if all these boundaries are flying around, how come she hasn't set a boundary with the roommate? Being like, none of us should talk about your relationship.

That would be ideal. Right?

That's what I was going to suggest. The friend should tell her friend, like, I'll respect your boundary, but I would. Are you, like, are you speaking about me at all? Like, how about no one speak about each other? Because then if the friend is like, well, I can't promise that. That's a red flag to me.

Yeah, because I. I mean, it could be like that the ex boyfriend is coming to her and maybe she feels like she needs to be a good friend, but.

But why not a good friend to her friend?

Yeah, no, I'm. I'm with you. I think, like, exes are exes and you kind of need to prioritize your. Your friends, but it is time. Like, now I'm second guessing myself.

Why?

No, because. Because what if the ex is coming to the roommate and saying, like, I'm really hurt about this breakup, like, I'm really. I don't know why she's behaving the way she's behaving or like, why she broke up with me so quick. Is that friend supposed to to be like, oh, I. I'm crossing a boundary with my other friend. I can't talk to you about this. But meanwhile, she's also friends with the ex boyfriend.

We don't know who broke up with who.

No, I don't. I'm just giving that as an example.

Yeah.

Like, if he was coming to her, really wanting to talk, not in a shady way, just in a. I want to talk about this breakup that I just had.

I would say it's up to the friend to be like, I hear you. I know we're roommates, but I'm not the right person to come to about this specific topic.

I can help cheer you up in other ways. We don't have to talk about the breakup.

Yeah, true.

Yeah.

I could refer you to my therapist.

We could go to a movie. I could help you, like, go for walks. Why is that my first thing? Because it helps.

Cause it helps.

The.

You know, the hot girl walk became a thing for a reason. You know, it makes people feel good.

And it's probably better to not talk about them. Like, for a person who has been broken up with.

Yeah.

Kind of fun not to dwell on it and see that you have other topics that you can talk about.

I guess it's like you have your people that you do vent to and talk about it and then some. That, like, lift you up. Yeah. Right. Or, like, just get your mind off of things. The roommate has to be the person who gets their mind off of things.

Yeah.

And I think for the person who wrote this in, she should clarify her expectations with the friend. The mutual friend. And be like, look, in the same way, you don't want me to talk about the breakup with you. Like, I don't. I. I really would prefer and appreciate you not talking about it with the roommate, because then that's making me uncomfortable.

So uneven.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

That's a good suggestion. And then I guess if she comes back and says, no, I can't do that, then at that point, is it, like, do they need to end the friendship?

I don't know about end per se, but I think then the friends should be like, that's not something that I'm okay with right now. Like, this breakup is fresh. This is all, like, really vulnerable for me too. Like, I feel like I'm in a vulnerable spot, and maybe we should just, like. I don't know about saying maybe we should just take a break, but it's like, maybe, like, we need to rethink, like, where we're at at this point. I Wouldn't want to say, like, completely.

End the friendship forever, but I'm not feeling prioritized.

Yeah.

So I'm not gonna prioritize you for a little bit, if that's okay. If that's okay.

If that's okay with you. Please and thank you. Yeah. Don't hate me. Yeah, like, that's tough. But sometimes you do need to take some time away from a friendship. I agree with you that, like, saying break, so it feels so dramatic. But, like, sometimes you do, even if it's like a week or two, like, take some time away, just be like, okay, well, do I. Like, am I benefiting from this friendship, or am I constantly stressed out that she's gossiping about me?

Exactly. And I think that's a better solution than the slow fade. Because then it's like, people wonder, like, oh, what happened? Like, I haven't heard from them in so long. You know, did I do something? Did they? And then it's like, it just, like, harbors weird feelings and resentment. I think over time, that at least is, like, everyone. If you do need to take a week, two weeks, a month, whatever it might be, at least it's clear that, like, this is where. This is what this person's feeling, and this is why they need a bit of a pause, at least for now.

I have a friend that we go on breaks all the time, and I used to think that we were incredibly toxic for it, but now I'm like, we're mature.

How do you tell us more? Like, how do you initiate the break? What causes the break?

I don't know. Sometimes we're not communicating effectively, and time spent around each other stresses us out more than it invigorates us. And so there have been times that I'm like, I just need to take a break. You're being really hard on me and expecting way too much from me or whatever. And then she broke up with me few months ago and was like, I just can't do this. And you're not really showing up in the way that I need. And I'm like, okay, okay, okay. And we're fine. We're always fine.

But then, like, do you.

When.

When the break is over, like, if you take the break, do you find that the situation, like, goes away, or do you have to come back together and be like, okay, now that we've taken this break, usually one of us.

Will send, like, a meme. Like, something that's like. Just says, like, I've been thinking about you. And, like, you're the only person that I wanted to send this to. And then we hang out in person and we discuss the thing we say, I'm so sorry. Like, usually it's the person that asked for the break that goes, I'm so sorry. I was in a weird place. And no, I'm sorry. And you're right. I was being that way. And then we, like, grow a little bit.

So good. It's, like, acknowledged, too.

It's not just we don't sweep.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

I love that honesty. I feel like you don't hear about that often.

I'll tell her that you guys like it.

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Speaking of the slow fade, because I agree with you, I think a slow fade is, like, always the worst way to go because you don't get that closure. This is one that a friend wrote, and she didn't give that much background info. So I think we can. We can kind of analyze it from different points. But she says a friend in quotes, stopped talking to me over a year ago because I'm not having her in my wedding. So I assume this is, like, she wants to reach out to her and see, like, if that's the reason or if she can repair the relationship. So how would you approach that?

Okay, to back up a little bit more, I guess this is an assumption, right? Like, or does she know?

It's gotta be.

It's gotta be an assumption because unless there was a blowout fight, Right? So I guess it's possible there was a blowout fight. Although we were talking about this before, I would be thrilled if my friend didn't ask me to be in her wedding. Like, I. I would never be that mad about it, but it seems to be a thing. Because actually I even think, am I making this up, or did you make a video at one point that was like, how to tell your friends they're not a bridesmaid? Yes, okay, I did. I did. So you can speak to this. Cause in my mind, it's like, even if it was my best friend, I'd be so happy not to have to be a bridesmaid.

Yes.

But maybe that's just me.

I got a lot of responses to that video just like that. And then others just saying other things. But it's such a personal feeling. It's a personal decision for the bride to be, and then it's a personal reaction that people have. So in this case, I guess if there hasn't been, like, an actual argument or fight or topic of discussion about it, maybe having the bride to be reach out. And I'm saying bride to be just to simplify the players here, but having the person reach out and say, hey, I'm feeling like we haven't talked in a while. Or like you've just been M.I.A. like, let's meet. Maybe let's meet for cough. Like, try to get them face to face, at the very least on the phone. I think so much can get misconstrued over text. And it's like, try to get them in person or on the phone or like, could we Chat for. Or FaceTime for a little bit and clarify that that's what the issue was. And I think in cases like this where you have to maybe gently leave someone out or turn someone down, whatever it is, still find a way to clarify your importance to them. Like, that's the underlying thing.

She doesn't feel important.

Right. And feels maybe left out or feels like, well, why them and why not me? So in my video, I'd said this too. It's like, instead of being like, well, I can't have you in my wedding, it's almost like you're so important to me. And I wasn't able to incorporate you in this way, but I would love to incorporate you in that way. And this one, as I was thinking through ideas for that video, an idea that I saw online, it wasn't my own, so I wouldn't want to take credit for it, but I saw it online that you can have people important to you be the something blue, have them wear, like a blue accessory or a blue dress, or, like, give them.

Have them just be really sad that day.

They are the something Blue. Very clever, Remy.

Oh, my God. But, like, have them read, like a scripture or something, like, have them be part of the ceremony or.

You know what my sister did that she had a. Wow. Was she trying to make her friends not feel left out? I never put this together. No. Because she only had family in the wedding party, so she had her two best friends read a poem.

I love that.

And they felt included and wow. But I never made that connection. But that probably was the reason. Like, I want you to be involved, but you can't actually be in the wedding.

It's possible, but I think it's a great way to still involve someone.

I was gonna say, I love the advice of just the bride to be reaching out. Because I had this happen where a friend of mine who I was extremely close with, our relationship started to fade and fade and fade. And it felt that way for such a long time. And then when she got married and I wasn't a bridesmaid, it felt like that was the nail in the coffin that we are not friends anymore. And she did reach out and I did go to the wedding, and it was a fantastic time or whatever. But in the time where I found out other people were finding out that they were bridesmaids, I was like, she doesn't want me in her life anymore.

Right.

You know, and it can be so easily fixed by the bride saying, no, no, no, no, no, we're good. I still like you. It's just this one day, and I.

Just can't have 20 bridesmaids.

And I can't have 20 bridesmaidS.

And I would say I wouldn't want the bride to be or the person who's celebrating the significant thing to over explain themselves either. Like, I don't want to put that pressure. I would never want to put that pressure on people. It's like sometimes you have your reasoning that you don't need to get into too much detail, but it's like, still lifting the other person up, like, coming from a place of inclusivity and, like, you know, I know I couldn't involve you in this thing, which I know technically it's like an important aspect in, like, our culture or mainstream whatever. But it's like, I'd love to involve you in another way.

Yeah, yeah. And just getting a call from that person going, okay, they do care.

Yeah, right, right.

They're not just letting me float off.

Yeah, you're right, Remy. I feel like a lot of these problems boil down to just people feeling abandoned, and it's the worst feeling in the world, especially with friendships, like, just feeling like they don't care about you or they care about other people more than you. So that's just hearing from them would probably be a step in the right direction.

And I'll add one more thing. The whole slow fade, or exactly the abandonment, then it like creates hypotheticals for anyone. Then you start thinking of all of these possible solutions, or not solutions, but reasons that might not even have validity to them. But you have no one to check that with. So you're just thinking about all of these possibilities and spiraling, which just doesn't help either. And you may then come up with these theories that aren't necessarily true or the case, but you just don't know any better because you're not having a conversation, you know?

Yeah. So put it to bed by having that conversation.

I wonder if they did have the conversation. Like, did she say, like, I'm not talking to you because I'm not a bridesmaid?

Seems immature to me though.

Yeah, I, I, I mean, they could.

Have had like a blowout fight. Yeah, I feel like this is one of those situations where we could benefit from more info. It's just, I, I just tend to believe that it's people making assumptions just because I just don't, I, I just don't see how that would play out. Like a blowout fight. Like, I'm not gonna be friends with you anymore because I'm not one of your bridesmaids. Like, how, how old are you? Am I wrong for feeling like this?

No, I mean, I agree. And yeah, we don't, we don't know the context, the full backstory.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. I, I mean, I love your suggestions. So the, those were, those were both situations with friends. I feel like we should use one about family. Okay, this one is a doozy. Okay, strap in. My mom thinks I like my in laws better because they're wealthy and gets really passive aggressive when we split time between them. But like, they're my husband's parents. What am I supposed to do? I can't ask him not to see them. She made me sob two years ago at Thanksgiving because she misinterpreted me when I said we would see my family before Thanksgiving but spend the actual day with my husband's family. She was so genuinely mean to me. It felt like I was being bullied by my own mom. Ever since then, it's been sort of weird between us when she mentions my in laws. Plus, my husband and I live in England for work and have to split time between Colorado and Tennessee, where our respective families live. When we visit, it's almost like both sides try and make us feel guilty when we visit one side versus the other. So I guess how would you approach your mom in this situation that she feels like you prefer your in laws over her?

Okay, so in this case, I would say again, she's. I'm not sure how often she's here, try to get them face to face, but with her living overseas, that might be hard.

FaceTime, I guess FaceTime.

Open up that notes app and jot down the exams. Truly though, get examples of when she's done this. Because sometimes with those who are passive aggressive, that's part of the whole. Their whole MO is like they are like, well, what do you mean? What are you talking about? Like, yeah, I wasn't. No, like that wasn't like that. Or they try to just sweep it under the rug. So having some concrete examples of like, this happened for this occasion and this happened for that and just having a heart to heart and say, I'm not trying to attack you. I love you. I want to move forward from this and I want to clarify like that this is hurting me and I don't want it to continue. You know, we're going to have so many more holidays moving forward. I don't know if there's kids in the picture or if there might be in the future, but that adds another layer of complexity to things. And be like, with this distance, I don't want for us to get, for our relationship to be impacted. Like, I want us to feel closer than ever and not be tit for tat about holidays and things like this. And I would say use a lot of I statements like I feel XYZ or it's hurtful when instead of, well, you acted this way on this date and you're passive aggressive. Like, even though if she is like, try to curb some of the way you're describing the behavior to have it resonate a little bit more.

I've heard that before with the I statements. Is it that you don't want the other person to feel like you're attacking them?

A little bit. A little bit. It's also though about like expressing that. It's about how you're feeling. Like, it's like, this is making me feel this way. It's a bit about not having the other person feel attacked and right away be on the defensive. But it's also about like, let's underline how this is making someone feel and, and how it doesn't feel Good. And it feels hurtful and it feels stressful. Like, around the holidays. Like, you don't. She can say, I don't want to feel stressed during, like, what's supposed to be the best time of the year and we're spending all this money to come visit you all and et cetera, et cetera.

She's like, oh, money. Like your in laws.

Yeah, yeah, your in laws have plenty of that.

And maybe a conversation with the in laws. Maybe not necessarily the. The what? Not the wife, but, like, the person who wrote in. Maybe the. The her husband or partner can have a conversation with his parents too. I'm not sure what that looks like. She did say she's feeling guilt from both sides, so I don't know.

But yeah, I feel like you never want to have a confrontation with the in laws. Like, it's always better coming from your partner.

Yeah.

Most of the people with communication issues that submitted, there's a lot of in law. Mother in law.

There's a lot of mother in law. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot. And, you know, it's like a trope, but I guess it's a trope for a reason, because people are having some issues with their mother in law. So. Yeah. Wait, okay. Conflict. This is another one. Conflict with a mother in law who is overstepping boundaries. Okay, so actually, let's take a pause for a second because I want to ask you, like, when people say I'm setting a boundary, I feel like sometimes it gets confused what that actually means. Like, we saw this come up with the whole Jonah Hill thing. I don't know if you were tuned into that weaponizing therapy speak. Right. So, Jonah, for people insane don't know about this. I don't know how you could not know, but Jonah Hill basically texted his girlfriend that she was posting pictures in a bikini. She's a professional surfer.

Yes.

To make that clear. And, like, spending time with men who were not him. And he kept using therapy speak and using the word boundary. Like, this is my boundary. I don't want you hanging out with other men. This is my boundary. I don't want you wearing bikinis and posting it to Instagram. And I'm gonna break up with you if you don't adhere to my boundary. Then there was all this commentary that was like, he's not using the word boundary correctly. How did you interpret that?

That's a great question. And I feel like I'm still unpacking.

That because it was just traumatic for everyone.

Yes, it was a lot. I mean, I I'd be so interested to hear like what a therapist has to say about that. But I agree. I think that a boundary is not in the most layman's terms possible. A boundary isn't what you're expecting someone else to do on their own. It's like a boundary should be your boundary. Like how she would be acting towards him, like if he wanted to, if she was crossing some sort like disrespecting him and like the way she was speaking to him. Yeah, but like her posting pictures is not his boundary.

Right.

Does that make sense?

Yeah. No. And that's kind of what I was hearing from people and I think I was misusing the term boundary before. I think it's like something that a lot of people get confused about.

Sure.

But that seems to be the actual definition is like the boundary is for you. The boundary is like, I don't want to talk about my ex boyfriend to you, mom. That's my boundary. Like, I have to remove myself from the conversation if that comes up because I'm not comfortable talking about that situation.

Right.

But it's not like my boundary is that you can't talk to me about this or else I'm going to disown you.

Right.

That's like accusatory and not.

Right.

Nice to do.

Right. It's really more if he had been honest, it would be about his expectation. Whether right or wrong, his expectation is that she wouldn't do xyz and like that at least puts ownership on him. Like that's your expectation then versus like you're crossing my boundary. It sounds a little more like not taking accountability for what his expectation is.

Right, Right.

Does that, does that make sense?

No, that makes sense. And probably these mothers in law who are crossing boundaries, like they're doing something to their daughters in law, they're doing something going, oh, well, you're not raising your kids the right way. Like that's crossing a boundary because you're like, I'm the mother of these kids.

Right.

Yeah. So let's say that was the situation because she doesn't get specific about it. Let's say your mother in law would make little jabs like, oh, interesting, you're leaving your kids again with a babysitter. I never left my kids with a babysitter. Like something like that.

And it starts to process sugar.

Yeah. Oh, interesting. You feed them fruit snacks. That's just candy, but okay.

Right.

If. If it was like constant overstepping boundaries, like about your parenting style, how would you approach that with a mother in Law, no less. The mother in law stuff is hard. It's not your mom.

It's not, it's not. And it's tricky because sometimes getting your spouse involved can be helpful, but then it's like you don't want to also get them in the middle of it. So it is very hard. I would say the person who wrote in and her spouse can have a conversation with the mother in law together and be like, look, we know things might have been different from when you parented and we know you mean well, but you need to, you know, we'd appreciate if like these little comments along the way in our everyday don't happen. Like having an honest comment. I know it's hard, I know it's awkward, but facing it head on and maybe again having like a joint conversation would be helpful. So it's not just the, the mother in law and the mom.

The new daughter in law.

Yeah, the daughter in law, exactly. Just having a joint conversation, being like this, this isn't helpful. It just, it's hurtful. And again, we know you mean well. We know maybe times are different from when you parented, but you know, you can trust that we're doing, you know, everything in the best way today for our kids.

Yeah. The acknowledging times were different. I think that's so money because that, it's so true. Like, parenting styles have changed over the years.

Totally.

And, and there was actually another question in here about somebody's parenting style getting critiqued. I feel like it happens a lot just because it changes with the times. Like when we were growing up, a lot of my friends got spanked. I got spanked once, and I never let my mom forget it. But, but I, you know, I knew kids that like, they would get a spank on the butt and like, that was a punishment. Nowadays I feel like nobody does that. Like, you cannot do that.

Right.

And for good reason, you know, but it's important to acknowledge, like, I'm not saying your parenting style was wrong, but you have to respect the choices that we're making because times have changed.

Yes.

And also maybe do a little, little I statement of I'm already really worked up about being a new mom and it adds a little bit of stress when you critique me because I do try so hard to get everything right. And like, I know that you're just coming from a good place because, like, you want the best for these kids, but please trust, like, of course I, I do too.

Yes. I love that because it helps the other person be a little bit more empathetic. And hopefully that will remind them. Yeah, like, oh, yeah, of course she's.

A human, not just some bitch who stole my son.

Yeah. Yes, she's that too, though.

And I will say, I want to add one more thing. I don't want to just like, give the solution of, well, get the partner involved and have a joint conversation. Maybe if they have a close enough relationship, she could be like, let's go out for coffee. Or like, let's go, you know, grab lunch together and have that one on one time too. Like, I don't want to just take the easy way out and be like, get the partner involved and have. Or get the husband involved and then talk, like, go out for lunch, grab.

Go to the mall.

Like something.

Yeah.

Find common ground and something a little.

Like, it does depend how close you are, but also like, maybe that could be a growing experience and you could get closer because of it, you know, like, and, and also, like you said, use it as an opportunity to spend some time together.

I want to circle back to the thing with the person's actual mom where you were like, write it in the notes app every time she does it.

Yeah.

And I think you could do that with anybody too. Not just for evidence sake, but so you can see how often it actually is happening. Because it could be happening once every six months. But you're dwelling on it so much that you're like, they're always doing this. And so it kind of like puts it in more perspective for you too, that you're like, oh, no, they did it one time and it really, really bothered me and I never brought it up. And then they did it another time, but I never brought it up.

Yes, totally. It puts it into perspective, puts things into a time frame, context. And it also helps you avoid speaking in absolutes, which I've talked about too, is like, you always do this. You never do this. Like, every time. And then they could be like, well, every time when, though? And then you might be like, oh.

Yeah, like, but don't pull out the app at lunch.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't be like, I've been keeping notes, detailed notes.

No, that would blow up in your face, I think. You know, my mom used to do that to me in arguments. She'd be like, name one time. And I'd be like, well, I can't now. Like, she'd be. I'd be like, you always do this. And she'd be like, well, name one time. And I wouldn't be able to name it in the moment. And she'd be like, see, you can't even name one right? So going in prepared is probably good. Like just to set your mind straight.

Yes.

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We have so many more. I wish we could get to them all, but I did want to. I wanted Lauren to hop on for a. Because Lauren was a communications major and there was one time I was having a communications issue and she taught me this thing.

Oh yeah, there's a method.

There's a method.

I learned a formula at College of Charleston.

Hello, Lauren.

I like this little accent that you kind of put on the background. You put on this, like, professor accent. I learned a formula.

This is me being an educator.

Scholarly.

Yeah, she's in a blazer.

I also will say I wanted to sound smart for this and I looked up this formula and it's nowhere online. Like, I'm pretty sure this is like a TED talk that happened at my school. And it's just a formula I've kept. But anyway, so the formula is when you're having a conflict with someone, you go in an order and the order is fact, opinion, feeling need. And if you go out of order, it causes more conflict. So the, the basic example is like, if you're mad at your partner because they're not spending time with you, you would start with the facts. Like, hey, you're my boyfriend, I love you. We hang out once a month, you know.

Wait, so these are the facts? Yeah. Okay, like facts, hashtag facts and then opinion.

Like in My opinion, romantic partners should be spending, like, regular time together, like on a weekly basis. Feeling when you don't spend time with me, it makes me feel like you don't love me, you know, and then need. I need you to spend more time with me. But if you.

More than once a month.

More than once a month. Yeah, I need you to. So, like, the last one is sort of like the quote unquote demand. But if you start with the demand, like, I need you to spend more time with me, or I feel like you don't love me, then it's like, that's more conflict.

Yes, Love that. And you know, I hadn't heard of that order, which is so great, isn't it?

I'll email it to you.

It is, it is. But now that I think about it, like, I was just speaking with a client about this the other day is like, establish the pattern. Right. Or like, the fact. Lay out the facts and then identify how it's making you feel or identify what is not working for you or what you want to see improved upon. And then clarify your expectation or ask like. And yes, if you clarify your expectation or demand your expectation before it's going to be all out of context and come off very, like, out of left. Yeah. But if it's in that order a little bit where you, like, lay the foundation and then be like, well, but this is what I need and would like to see happen. It just sets you up, hopefully for more success. So you're like, parallel. I love that.

It's like a little bit of an action plan, too.

It's like.

Because I know I don't want to be gendered about this, but a lot.

Of guys are like, what do you.

Want me to do about it? You know, what do you want me to do? And it's like, just include it in your life. Fact, opinion, feeling, need. It's at the end.

Yeah.

What you need. Make it easy.

Okay, can we try this with one of the ones that was written in about.

Go for it, guys.

Okay, great. I'm in a lot of team meetings and a coworker that is a peer tries to take over my work responsibilities. I think he is trying to dominate my role when it is completely out of his scope. He is just trying to take over a project that I am responsible for, and he only relates to one small component.

He's. He's a micromanager. Fact.

Right.

Fact. This is my project.

Yeah. Fact is like, hey, you know, this is the scope of. Unless something's changed that I'm not aware of which kind of adds in a bit of like a benefit of the doubt.

I like that.

Not that you're doubting yourself, but it's covering all the bases.

Unless I wasn't privy to some conversations.

Right.

The scope of work identifies that I'm the lead on this project or identifies that I. I am overseeing most of this project or this aspect of the project and yours is this one component which is very valuable. But I would prefer if we stay in those parameters or your help is valuable or your help is appreciated. But I would prefer and would appreciate if we stayed within the parameters of this scope of work. And I'll reach out to you if I need your help or assistance or anything moving forward.

Period. I love that. And I guess if you wanted to insert an opinion or a feeling, you could say like it feels like you're interjecting a little bit. Although is that. I don't know now I'm second guessing myself now my conflict avoiding tendency is coming out.

I feel like with work scenarios and with maybe colleagues that like you're just acquaintances with or it's a little more black and white. Like there is a scope of work. Maybe you don't even need to the feeling. Yeah, you don't have to input the opinion versus like for more personal situations. But it can be like this is. It's very matter of fact.

Right.

Like it's like this is the.

I'm head of this project.

Right. Right. And you know, I would appreciate if you let me lead and I'm happy to tap you for assistance or for other insight like as needed and whatnot. Your work is very again, make them feel. And I don't want to suggest making someone feel important just to manipulate them. It's like genuinely make them feel valued but letting them know that I've got this, I'm good. And again, this is the scope of work.

I love that we have one more that I think a lot of people will relate to. My boyfriend tries to solve my problems and I don't need him to. He underestimates me.

Yeah. And we've got two of these that are almost identical.

Almost identical. And we were talking before the show and we were like, you know, that's men. They're problem solvers. Like they're always trying to solve the problem but sometimes you just need to talk about the problem. So I guess like how to say that you don't need their advice necessarily. You might just need to talk about your day or talk about your problems.

Yeah. I think if Someone has a tendency. That's so interesting because I'm trying to think of some of my relationships or like, my husband's not so much. Like, he'll. He'll just be an open ear and.

Oh, that's so nice.

I think for the most part, like, I don't want to generalize that either, but yes, maybe some. And I think some people in general can tend to be problem solvers.

Yeah.

So just saying, like, look, I want to vent to you about this situation, but I just want to. I just want to vent right now. I don't necessarily want input or 2 cents. Like, are you open to. Are you up for hearing about this story? Because maybe that person's also. Like, they feel like they have to problem solve or like, they feel like that's their way of contributing. So just saying, like, I really just want to share this, but I just need to get it off my chest. I don't want a solution, per se. Yeah.

Okay. Can I try this one?

Yes.

Yeah. Fact.

Yes.

I complain about a lot of things in my life opinion. I do this just because I'm like, sorting things out. But I feel like whenever you chime in, you try to solve it for me and that's not what I really need in the moment. I'm just trying to vent and kind of want you to like, nod along or be like, that person's an asshole. So from now on, I think what I just need from you is don't try to solve the problem immediately and just kind of like, be an ear for me.

Yes, sure. And I wouldn't say I complain a lot in my. About my day to day.

That's how Remy would probably phrase it.

I vent.

Yeah.

I complain.

Sometimes I need to complain. Yeah. Yes. Kvetching. There are so many more, but we're not gonna get to them. But honestly, I think we may have saved some people's lives today. So I thank you so much for coming on. Yeah.

Thank you. This was awesome.

Where can people find you and follow you?

Sure. So all of my social media handles are well with Raelle, so Rael's my first name. Well, with R A E L E, my website is wellwithrael.com and you can get more information about booking one on one sessions or packages. I do have a New York City meetup coming up at the end of February. Yes. So it'll be taking place in Soho. I'm going to share five communication tips for advocating for yourself effectively. There'll be food, drinks, networking, and I'm going to have a lit print reader on site.

So like I've never heard of this before.

Yeah, yeah, like something cheeky and fun. So it's like you put your lip print on a card and they read your lip print and it's like reading a palm or.

Uh huh. That's awesome.

Says you don't moisturize.

Yeah. Bad kisser.

You need Burt's Bees. Not sponsor.

Not sponsored. That's so fun. And everybody should go. Everybody should go. And you even offered to share a promo code we have. I haven't created that promo code, but if you follow Raelle, then you could share it when the episode comes out.

Sure.

The promo code is in a link below.

Nice. Nice. Remy, thank you so much for coming on.

Yes, thank you for having me. This was fabulous. You ladies are great.

You're great, you guys. That's it for today's episode. Be sure to send your questions to DSTetches.com to get them answered.

Yeah, baby. Follow us at Diet Starts tomorrow on Instagram. And if you like this episode, please write us a review. And don't forget to check out our DST merch on shop.betches.com Rate, Review and subscribe. And while you're at it, follow me at lubeination.

Follow me, Remy Kasimir, Follow Raelle, and of course, remember, we're always with you.

Through thick and thin.

Diet Starts Tomorrow is produced by Rebecca Steinberg and Lauren Hope Crass, editing by Rebecca Steinberg, social media by Lauren Hope Crass and guest book cooking by Ali Friedlander.

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