Find Your Inner Confidence with Raele Altano

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I have one thing to say to you.

Kiss my fat ass.

Oh hello. Hello fellow mourners of Diet Culture. It is I, Emily Lubin. I'm the Grim reaper and the host of this show. Welcome back to RIP Diets. We're tearing through season three and I have a killer guest for you today, but I wanted to go through a few things before we get into today's conversation. First of all, if this is your first time listening to this show, welcome, welcome, welcome. So happy to have you here.

Thank you.

This show is all about breaking free from diet culture, building body confidence, loving your body, appreciating your body, but most importantly, respecting your body and not trying to shrink it. Not trying to fit into Western society's idea of what is beautiful and just being your incredible, gorgeous and flawless self. Also, thank you to everybody who's been filtering into the Discord Group. In case you don't know, the Facebook group for RIP Diets is dead and buried. I will not be engaging on it anymore because I can't cuz my Facebook account was deleted. So the only way I can talk to you guys now is on Discord. So you're going to want to get into this group. We have multiple threads, one for each episode of the third season where we can talk about the episodes and also other threads with all kinds of topics related to body image, intuitive eating, we weight neutral health. If you need a little extra support or advice, there's a thread for that. It's really a place where all the listeners of the podcast can come together and talk about their own personal issues and share tips and tricks for recovery from chronic dieting and disordered eating. But you guys, the Discord Group is a lot like the COVID vaccine. In order for it to truly work, we all need to participate.

So.

So you can find the link to the Discord Group in the show notes or on my Instagram bio. My Instagram handle is Lubination. That's L U B I N a T I O n and you can find it there as well. So I definitely encourage you to join the Discord Group if you want to get more involved in the community that we are building over here at RIP Diets Corporate. And if you want even more content beyond listening to the podcast, you can also check out my patreon, which is patreon.com RIP diets. On my Patreon, I upload bonus podcast episodes, usually in the form of a video or a vlog. And there's a brand new vlog that I actually filmed on Halloween. I kind of took you through my day on Halloween and showed you what I ate throughout the day, which, spoiler alert, it's kind of similar to what I would eat on any normal day, except more candy, of course. And I'm going to be uploading fairly regularly on there. So get involved, watch my videos. It offers a way more intimate look at my recovery and my life as a 30 something, body neutral biatch living in New York City. So if that sounds interesting to you, again, it's patreon.com RIP diets. Check it out. Today's episode is all about self confidence. Now, I talk about building self confidence a lot on the show, but I wanted to focus on practical, everyday things that you can do if you want to build self confidence. Because as we know, it's not enough to just say, I should be confident in myself. We all are special snowflakes and we all have, you know, these incredible things that are completely unique to us. And part of recovery is really learning how to unlock that power, how to say, I'm not gonna succumb to all these expectations of me that I see in the media or that I hear whispers about at Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not going to be the version of a woman that I think I should be. I'm going to actually find what makes me happy and what sparks joy for me, as Marie Kondo would say, and spread that true inner confidence to the world. That should be our ultimate goal here. But it can be really hard to start from square one if you've gone your whole life not feeling that confident in your body, but also not feeling that confident in yourself. So today's guest is Raelle Altano. She works as a self confidence coach and you can actually follow her on Instagram at. Well, with Raelle, that's W E L L with R A E L E. Well, with Raelle and she has a lot of tips on there in really short digestible videos that are easy to understand that will tell you how to how you can build self confidence. And I'm talking about the true self confidence that takes a little bit of time to build up. But once you do, you will feel so empowered and so much better and you'll feel like you'll be able to navigate your life with ease and have this true inner confidence that you never found that you would have. I would highly recommend following her. And I think that anybody who feels like they could use a little more self confidence and is going to really enjoy this conversation. We talked about again, daily habits, tips and tricks that can help you actively build self confidence. And we also talked about how low self confidence in women is very much taught to us and it's something that we need to actively unlearn. We talk about why women seem to have more of a problem with self confidence than men do and different things that can kind of shatter your self confidence and how to rebound from that. I found this conversation to be honestly fascinating. Raelle is so graceful and well spoken. I actually first met her when I used to work at a catering company and Raelle would stomp it out to work. She was always wearing the best outfits. She always had this long, voluminous, gorgeous, gorgeous hair. And for me, looking at somebody like that, I would think, how could you not be self confident? You know, you're stunning, you're a social butterfly. We talk about that too. And you just seem to have all the confidence in the world. But through this conversation, I really learned that it was not a straight and narrow journey for her at all. She definitely had some issues when she was growing up that caused her to be less than confident, caused her to be somewhat of a people pleaser as an adult, and she herself had to unlearn those things as well. So if you suffer from low self esteem or low self confidence, you are absolutely not alone and it's nothing to be ashamed of. This is something that plagues us women and it's something that we need to be talking about more and sharing with each other how to get out of that low self self confidence rut that we're stuck in. We also answered a listener DM that I received last week about how to know whether you should unfollow certain social media accounts, which I just wanted to expand upon while I have all of your attention. I talk a lot about body neutral people that you can follow who I feel spread joy and positivity into the world, which is what we need more of in this world and especially in our feeds and. But somebody did reach out to me and, and ask me how do I know if I need to unfollow someone. And Raelle and I talked about it a little bit in this conversation and we both said that if something makes you feel bad, don't hesitate to unfollow because it doesn't really matter what the intention is behind it. You need to look out for number one, and that's you, girl. So if somebody something makes you feel bad, don't hesitate to unfollow them. And I know that's easier said than done because sometimes I see a post and I'm like, oh, this kind of makes me feel bad. But why is it my problem that I feel bad?

No.

I mean, there could be a number of reasons why a post makes you feel bad or makes you feel insecure, but it doesn't really matter because at the end of the day, what we're really focusing on is not letting something as silly as being on social media ruin our day and take us down a notch. And it doesn't really matter what the intention is behind it. But I did want to add on that when we're talking about eating disorders, the people that you're following could be really detrimental to your recovery. So I just want to let you guys know if you're following fitness influencers who promote a certain kind of diet, let's say a vegan diet or a paleo diet, and they tell you what to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, immediately unfollow those people. That is not going to be good for. For your recovery. That is not going to be good in your intuitive eating practice. Because even if you don't try and copy everything they did, it can plant a seed that's subconsciously going to tell you that what you're doing is not really what you should be doing or it's not, quote, healthy. And that's definitely not something that should be of concern to you in recovery. So I would say definitely unfollow those people. Also unfollow body transformation accounts, Unfollow accounts that maybe offer problematic fitness advice. Those would be, like, the most glaringly obvious ones to unfollow. And then beyond that, I would go back to what I was saying before, which is you need to really look inward. And if you feel that going on Instagram and seeing posts from certain people is ruining your day, you need to go back to the drawing board and say, okay, should I really be following these people? And that would be my major piece of advice when it comes to that. But definitely slide in my DMs, as I always tell you guys to do, if you want more clarification on how to go about unfollowing people or following people, you can also feel free to send me a post that you think is problematic and say, should I unfollow this person? And I will Be your hype girl. I will be the one to tell you hit the unfollow button, girl, because that is not helping you. If you need that little extra push, I'm happy to provide that for you. So without further ado, let's get into today's conversation with Raelle Altano.

It's been a long time.

Yeah.

Since I booked in the mirror and like what I see, it was a hard climb.

Yeah.

Things are much clearer in my reality and how people see me. Yeah. Always feeling the shame. Hey. Because of what I was told, now I'm taking the ugly and made it beautiful. Yeah. I found me a place where I ain't doing nothing but loving myself and everything, everything about me.

You guys, my guest today is a friend of mine who I actually used to work with and I've been seeing her hustling on social media, starting her own business, and now she's working as a self confidence coach. Rael Altano, welcome to the show.

Hi.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, Emily.

Of course. I'm so happy to connect with you and I'm. I'm really loving your content on Instagram. Everybody should follow Raelle. We're going to get into a little bit more about how to build self confidence, but I'm so excited for this because my entire vision for the third season of this podcast was how to build body confidence. And I think that applies to other aspects of life. You know, like, you can't be confident in your body until you are truly confident in yourself, like what lies underneath. So I think it's. It's all connected. We're going to get into it and figure out, like, the different ways that it is connected and how you can feel more confident.

Yes. Can't wait.

What was your experience growing up and what kind of inspired you to want to go into this field? Were you a confident kid? Were you not a confident kid? I'd love to hear more about that.

Sure. So it's interesting that you ask that because I was definitely extroverted as a kid. Could really talk to a wall. I loved making friends. I would be that girl, like, on.

Vacation with her family and making friends with the other kids at the resort.

And just like, really, like, connecting with people wherever I went. So super social.

Just had a lot of hobbies and was definitely extroverted in that sense.

My parents got divorced when I was very young. I really don't even remember them together, so.

Oh, me too, actually. Were you a baby?

I was 2.

Yeah. Yeah, 2 years old.

Yeah.

It's such a unique experience because, like, that means you're being raised by people who are actively going through probably one of the most hard things they've ever gone through.

Right, right.

Completely. And they were new to even being in this country.

I was born here in the States.

But they had immigrated here from overseas, were trying to figure their stuff out.

And settled on a kind of a weird joint custody agreement where it was.

One week with my mom, one week with my dad, and I had no other siblings. So it was just me kind of.

Going back and forth from one household.

To the other and, you know, it.

Was, it was fine, you know, again. And they really tried their best to.

To make things work and be the best parents they could be, but it.

Was definitely unstable, to be totally honest.

And you really feel that unstableness and.

You feel like you're different.

From a very young age, I would.

Be in school and every Monday would.

Be the day I'd go from one household to the other and I'd kind.

Of have, yes, I had things at each house, like my possessions at each.

Home, but I'd really want to take my super favorite toys or clothes or.

Whatever with me each week from one.

Place to the other.

And I'd always have like a little bag on Mondays to transfer that stuff over. And I was the only kid going through that.

And, you know, you feel that like, awkwardness a little bit.

And especially I'm Armenian, first generation Armenian divorces don't happen in the Armenian community.

It's a very family oriented, tight knit Christian culture. And especially in like the 80s and.

The 90s, like, divorces were very taboo.

That was another layer.

Yeah, I didn't know that. Wow. Okay. So then they decided that you were going to spend one week here, one week there. I guess that was decided before you even had a say. Like, was that ever revisited at any time?

Well, only because there was an incident.

That took place in 2003 when I first started high school with my dad, which is a whole long story. I'm not going to get into it, but essentially after that, the court decided.

That my mom should have full custody and that was that. So I was 15 when.

14 going on 15 when this took place.

And that's when I really started to be in one household, like feel that.

True stability that I should have felt from a young age. But yeah, so divorce just wasn't a.

Thing that really happened in Armenian culture.

And again, from a young age, I felt all that.

I felt the shame of it.

I felt like even though I Wasn't doing anything wrong.

Like I kind of was doing something wrong and I was just different from other kids and other people. And all of that leads to overcompensating over time and like feeling like you have to be extra nice or you.

Have to be extra social or like be a people pleaser to connect with others or to say, like, keep your parents happy.

You want to just be the.

And again, only child. So I was really in the middle of them too.

There was no one else that they were focusing on.

And I felt like, okay, just go with the flow. So like it's fine, like anything goes and just like put on a happy.

Face and everything's all good.

And that overcompensating and people pleasing and just instability in general from the situation. I think it definitely led to feeling.

A little bit of loss or loss.

Of sense of self.

Just lack of clarity in who I was.

Even though I was social, I had a good childhood growing up, but there.

Was definitely a sense of like, who am I really?

Like, what do I want? What works for me and what doesn't work for me or do I have to overcompensate or do I have to be a people pleaser and all of those things. And that was amplified especially once that.

Incident that I was mentioning in 2003. I was new in high school. I had just started a new high.

School and you know, a lot of.

I was out of school for like.

Three weeks and a lot of kids.

Were like, well, where were you? Like, what happened? And this, that. So I even, I wanted to forget.

About it even more and like just move on from it.

And again was like, oh, the one that got along with everybody and was like, you know, just very go with the flow. And being a social butterfly is one of my positive traits.

But it can have its drawbacks too. And it can have its like this, you know, it's other side where it's like, okay, well you're a social butterfly.

But like, who are you really?

And like, right, you're so focused on adapting to everybody else that you're kind of not following where you belong or where you should be.

Exactly, yes. So it really took me a lot of self work and just inner thinking and reflection to realize like, okay, these are the things that I'm doing, these are the people that I'm hanging out with.

These are the habits that I have. Is this what I really want? And it really took me a few.

Years, I would say it's like early mid-20s to realize a little bit more.

Of that and work on that, tell.

Myself, okay, like, how do I define who I am? How do I find that inner confidence.

And like that person that I was before all of this took place and shed the shame or the awkwardness of.

Having a not so ideal family situation.

And move forward from all of that.

So I feel like it took me.

Some time to work on that.

I kind of just did it on my own just by being self aware.

And reflecting a lot.

And once I figured it out or got to a good place, I was like, you know, I'd love to help.

Other women in particular with this too, with this sense of confidence or lack thereof from things that may or may.

Not be super apparent.

You know, some things like, like a.

Divorce, divorced parent, like, you know, it.

Sometimes may not be triggering at all.

But sometimes it might in ways that.

You don't necessarily expect, in ways that.

It'S not like textbook case, if you will. You know what I mean?

I'm sure you understand too, coming from that, that background.

I do. And I think something that I had, and I'm not going to put words in your mouth, but I wonder if you experienced this too, is like I got really good at compartmentalizing. So like, this is my relationship with my mom, this is my relationship with my dad. They don't have a relationship. And then everyone in the family, it was like we had, because I do have siblings, we all had a very different story of who our parents were, how they treated us. It was as if we lived in different families. And I think it's like when your parents get divorced really young, you get really good at like compartmentalizing to protect yourself, if that makes sense.

Completely.

Yeah. I can definitely mentioned like wanting to help other women feel more self confident. Do you think that in general? Well, I'd love to know. Like, do you, do you work with men? Do you specialize with women more? And do you think that low self esteem, low self confidence affects women more than it affects men? I have my answer, but I'd love to hear your answer.

Sure, sure.

I think that's a great question. To answer your first question.

I can work with men and I.

Have before, but I do specialize in working with women.

I think it's important to narrow down.

And pick a bit of a niche.

And that's just something that I'm really passionate about. I mean, if I can support another.

Woman with feeling confident and helping her recognize the power within herself, then that's.

A good day's work to me.

So that is definitely my specialty.

And to answer your second question, yes.

I do feel like women definitely suffer.

From low confidence, more so than men, because I think that social pressure exists for both sexes. But I think that with women it.

Is much more apparent.

And women are told what to do, how to look and how they should act from a very, very young age. It's everywhere. It's in the toys that we play.

With, it's in as children, it's in marketing campaigns and movies and TV shows.

It's everywhere. And I think that leads to women.

Realizing that, okay, if I do, if I act this way, or if I look this way, or if I'm this.

Thin or try this diet or whatever.

Then I'll get approval, like that's the right thing to do.

And they start to seek that external validation more and more and more. And it's like a cycle that just like perpetuates itself. And it can manifest in a lot of different ways. It can be you become a people pleaser because you feel like, okay, if you're keeping other people happy, then it's.

Like you're getting their approval and that's great.

It can manifest in like shrinking yourself both physically, emotionally and withholding from the things you actually want. It can manifest in just getting in.

Your own way, like constantly having self.

Doubt, doubting your abilities and what you're actually capable of.

So unfortunately, I do feel like it.

Or low confidence or low self esteem does tend to affect women more than men.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Well, okay, I think it definitely affects women more than it does men, but I think it's mostly because of the way we're socialized. Like, I think even if a man has low self esteem, I think there are other ways that he can channel that and for it to be socially acceptable, like getting, you know, a really high position at work, being good at sports, being funny. And not to say that women can't do those things too, but I think especially in my experience, we're not encouraged to as much. We're encouraged to kind of seek validation from others and to be that people pleaser that you were talking about. Like that behavior is very much encouraged in women. And even though we're kind of moving away from it now, you're right. It's like kind of in our DNA in a sense that like you might not even realize how it's being fed to you while it's being fed to you completely. So I have a question. Like, if I was somebody starting from zero, let's say I'm in a job that I don't like, I don't feel confident at work, I don't feel confident in my personal relationships. I don't feel confident in myself. I'm not comfortable taking risks. What's maybe the top few things that I could do to actively build self confidence?

Sure, sure. Definitely. Great question. And yeah, I have a few tips.

That I think might be useful and are practical really, because there's so many.

Things that you can say, but it's like, okay, how do you implement them is key. So I would say first and foremost, some daily habits would be keep the promises that you make to yourself, whatever they are, because that builds trust within yourself. If you tell yourself that you're going to do something, whatever that may be, it could be a new goal or.

It could just be like, I'm going to get this chore done today, or.

I'm going to cook this new meal for myself today because I want to try it and whatever. Keep the promises that you make to yourself.

And I'm so bad at that. I'm so bad at that. I always say I'm gonna clean my house, reorganize my closet, and then a week goes by and I'm like, tomorrow. I am the worst at that. But very good advice. I should start taking my own advice, keeping my own promises.

Yeah, no.

And you know, sometimes it's better to start smaller.

Like if you are trying to reorganize your closet and clean your whole apartment.

And do laundry all in one week.

You know, chances are you're going to just burn out at some point or not.

Or just decide not to tackle any of them because you're overwhelmed.

So start small if you have to.

Make a list. If lists work for you.

I personally love checking things off of a to do list. But keeping the promises that you make to yourself is key because again, it builds that self trust. You go, you get it done.

And it's not just about getting something.

Done and checking off your list, but it's about like you realizing that like.

Oh, okay, I told myself I would.

Do this and I did it.

And it's like an ego boost and.

A sense of self trust that builds within you.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I would say don't expect to.

Be motivated every time or every day.

Or focus more on the discipline of it and the like, you do it.

Because you told yourself you would do.

It whether you're motivated or not.

Because there's going to be times where.

Sure you're in the mood to clean your apartment. But then there's going to be times.

Where you're absolutely not.

And it's like, but do you want to get it done to get it off your list and tell yourself like, I did this.

Yes.

So that would be a big one. And I'd start there.

And second thing that I would do.

And I think this is important to.

Ask yourself, which we don't ask ourselves.

This enough is to say, okay, why am I doing this?

Is this something that I really want?

So let's say you are faced with a task or you're going on this diet because a friend told you about it. And it's almost like you're in autopilot.

You're not even really thinking about why you are choosing to do this. Or if this is something that you really want, make a habit of asking.

Yourself like, okay, why?

Why do I feel the need to do this?

Check in with yourself and ask other questions too. It's not just those two questions, but you can ask other reflective questions that will just make you more self aware.

You may find out that you are just are doing something because again, it's.

Like society is kind of putting it on you without you realizing.

Or maybe there's a friend or a.

Parent who is like subconsciously kind of.

Nudging you in a certain direction, or a spouse even. Of course, now we're all adults, we're.

Never going to do only the things.

We want to do all the time. But you know, find out the true.

Meaning of it and the true reason for why you are doing the things that you are doing.

Because that also helps to break certain.

Cycles and patterns that you may not.

Have realized even existed. Really?

Do you have any examples of that from your own life? Like, I, I'm, I'm thinking right now, I think one example people could probably relate to is like sometimes you're invited to a party, a Halloween party or something, not speaking from personal experience or anything, and you really don't want to go. But you're like, but I should go. It's going to be rude if I don't go. These people want expect me to be there. And you end up having a terrible time because you're in that negative mindset. I feel like that could be an easy example of one, like check in. Do I really want to go to this event or to meet up with these people? Do I even like these people that.

Totally, totally, yes, absolutely, yes.

An example I would have, and this is similar to reflecting and to asking yourself those questions, but just a different kind of question. Like, if I'm frustrated with something, I'll ask myself, I'll stop myself and say.

Why am I annoyed by this? What had happened recently? Something took place with a friend where they just, they were very uncommunicative about plans that they were making and the.

Time and date where we were supposed to meet. And that's just so not me.

So I was, I was getting annoyed and I just took a step back and I said, okay, why am I frustrated? Why am I so frustrated by this?

Like, because you're a Virgo. If we're being real. Sorry to interrupt. Go ahead.

No, no, no, no fellow Virgo here.

I love it.

Yeah. But I just kept peeling back the.

Layers and asking like, okay, why?

Why am I frustrated?

Why? What did I expect? What was my expectation? What's the reality?

Why is it not being met?

And does this really matter? You know? And again, those are a little bit.

Different from the initial, like two questions I had put out there.

But it's all about, like just taking a pause and peeling back those layers.

Same concept. Asking yourself why you're doing the things you're doing. Are you in this job because it's something that you're sure it pays the bills? Is it because your family has been pressuring you to be in a certain.

Industry for a very long time, or.

Because you're just doing it because you've been doing it?

And why change now?

Like finding the core of those or.

The answers to those questions is huge, I think.

And can. Can be a big driver for change. And those are the questions I ask as a coach to my one on one clients. Really, like, it's all. Coaching is all about listening and asking thoughtful questions.

It's not rushing to tell people what.

To do or saying, okay, well, you.

Need this, this, this.

It's asking questions like that that dig.

A little bit deeper.

Do you find that you end up kind of becoming like a pseudo therapist for certain clients? Like listening to the ins and outs of their days and things that they're struggling with?

Sure, sure. A little bit. Yes, definitely. There's a lot of benefit that can be provided by sharing.

You know, a person venting and sharing to like a totally objective third party.

Who isn't a spouse, who isn't a friend, isn't a family member.

But again, I try not to rush to give advice. Of course, if I feel like an.

Issue is coming up that is something.

That a therapist should be dealing with.

Something that's a little bit heavier, I.

Have no problem passing them along to a therapist.

Coaching and therapy are similar, but definitely different, for sure.

One, one tip that I saw that you posted that I thought was so smart and something that I had never thought of before and I would love to hear more about, is you were talking about reframing your brain to kind of think more positive thoughts. So I think the example that you gave is like, if you're obsessing over a certain part of your body and you're like, oh, I hate my legs, than to immediately counteract it or follow it with something that you like about yourself. And it kind of retrains your brain to focus on the positive. And I'd love to know where you got that and exactly how that kind of, I want to say tricks you, but that's not the right word. How that convinces you to think more positively.

Right, Right.

And it makes you focus on the.

Positive more so than the negative. And the more you think that way, the easier it gets to think that way.

But, you know, these are not overnight habits.

You can't just retrain your brain with one or two thoughts.

It's a constant process.

But, yes, I love that tip, and it's actually, I had it in my.

Notes to discuss, maybe later is, you know, that negative.

You can't let your negative voice dictate the narrative. Don't let the negative dictate the narrative.

I just came up with that.

Oh, my God, that's good, girl. Wow. Like that, guys. No one else can use it.

I'm going to write that down.

No, but the negative voice is always going to be there.

And I really tried to teach that.

In my coaching because I think it's unrealistic to say, like, oh, yeah, it just goes away. Like, the most high performing, most successful.

People still have that inner critic and.

That negative self talk that exists from time to time.

Time. But it's honestly about befriending it, letting.

It exist, getting comfortable with it being there and then just kind of like shushing it.

Like you would like some annoying nagging family member that just talks a lot.

And it doesn't really matter what they're saying.

Like, you just, you know that they're.

There, you're comfortable with it, and then you retrain whatever it's telling you, you.

You tell yourself, okay, fine, but you know what? Like, there's this, this, this that I.

Love about myself that I know is.

Great, and I'm going to focus on that. I'm gonna move forward with that. Who cares?

Like, not who cares, but it's like.

The negative talk or like, I Hate my thighs.

Like, doesn't really matter as much and.

No one notices it. As much as I really love my.

Shoulders or my, you know, whatever else.

Body, my hair, my hands, any other body part that you want to amplify.

Hand confidence is very important. I talk about that a lot on this show. I'm just kidding. So to your point, I actually think I'm trying to phrase this in a way that makes sense. I think some of the most successful go getter type people are the biggest self critics. Just like you said, like, that negative voice doesn't go away and just telling somebody, okay, love your body or love yourself or show your body appreciation. Yes. Like, you should be striving for all of those things, but at the same time, you can't think that every time something negative comes into your head that that's you failing. That's not you failing. It's actually how you react to that voice that dictates how your day is going to go and whether you'll be successful in what you want to do.

Totally. Exactly.

It's not about the voice just not existing or, oh, you're a total failure if it.

If it exists.

We are all human.

It's part of the human experience to have that exist and to feel it. It's about, like I said, almost like getting comfortable with it.

It's that annoying family member or annoying.

Person that's like just there and, like.

Just rambling and making zero sense. And you're just like, whatever, you know. And as you.

As you like, learn to just. Sometimes I even visualize, like, you're literally squatting something away.

You're just like, putting it, like, talk.

To the hand kind of thing. And the more you think that and the more you. You get used to doing that, the easier that gets.

Got it. And is this something that you practice in your own life as well?

Yes.

I was just about to say that I have noticed the difference just within this past year. You know, I launched this business in.

January of 2021, and it was definitely scary at first because it's like the more you. Yes, it's great to start something new.

And the idea of bringing something to life is so much fun.

But when you're actually in it and you're seeing like, okay, wow, there's a.

Lot of coaches out there.

There's a lot of people saying and doing the things that I'm doing, it can get intimidating. And you can feel like, well, why does anything I say matter?

And the beginning of me starting the business was definitely a little Bit of that because you're just diving more into.

You'Re becoming more of an expert in your field.

So of course you're going to see.

Other experts and feel a little bit.

Of like imposter syndrome.

More like, well, what am I even doing?

And little by little, within, I just.

Kept thinking to myself, like, okay, first.

Of all, it's also practice what you preach a little bit. If I'm sharing these tips, then I need to implement this for myself too. And I'm like, you know what, like.

This voice might always be there and some days it might be a little.

Louder than others, but it's up to me to decide how I want to turn that volume up or down and.

Focus on the good at the end of the day.

And I kept focusing on the good. I'm like, no one I know is.

Doing this right now and is pushing.

Themselves start a new business in a pandemic.

And who cares if I look foolish? Who cares if I, if, you know, people from high school are judging what my, what my Instagram looks like? Like, honestly, I don't really care.

I'm doing something different, something that I'm.

Passionate about and like kept moving forward.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, I wholeheartedly agree. But like one thing that is really tricky nowadays, I think is that social media is such a good, it's such a good place to find new information, find, you know, tips, tricks, how you can be more confident, how you can be better at this or that. It's just, it's the quickest way that you could possibly learn new things and get new information. I'm sure it's a lot of how some people found this show even, but I do think it's, it can also be detrimental to your self confidence because people get caught up in the comparison game on social media.

Yeah.

Do some of your clients ever talk to you about that particular pressure or comparing themselves on social media? And even if not, how would you suggest somebody go about maybe curating or whittling down their social media so that they don't feel bad when they go on it?

Sure, sure, great question. Genuine, genuinely believe in taking breaks when you need them. It's all going to be there when.

You, when you get back to it.

Like, you will not have missed the thing. Take breaks, put. I've even suggested like putting your apps or your icons and stuff like put.

Them in another folder. You don't necessarily need to delete your account and have it like be so extreme, but just put them in another.

Folder where they're not as Accessible.

Take a break.

Mute accounts that just. You feel like they are just perpetuating an image or something that feels. Doesn't feel good to you or feels.

Like it's, like, unrealistic.

And also, I feel like we all forget this, but unfortunately, so much of.

What'S on social media right now is just an illusion. I mean, how easy is it to just open up an app and like.

Airbrush this or facetune that and tweak this and that, and so many people do it.

It's rampant. It's rampant. And people lie about it too. Guys, like, they're not telling you that they're altering their face and their body on. On Facetune and shit.

Right?

Literally. Which goes to show how not great that person might feel about themselves deep down.

So think about that and remember that. And take breaks as you need them.

Don't.

Don't feel. And you don't.

If, let's say, it's like, a person you actually know and you feel bad about unfollowing.

Okay, Mute them then. They never know if you have muted them or not. You don't have to.

You're not obligated to watch their stories or, like, every single thing that they post. Mute them and put your phone down.

Try to read a book, listen to a podcast, Emily's podcast, and just remember that social media is a very.

It's very much like a microscopic area.

That we focus on, and half of it is not real to begin with.

Absolutely. And I got a DM the other day, actually, and I think this would be a great question to ask since we're talking about social media. Let's see what this listener wrote.

She.

She wrote. You mentioned a lot about accounts to follow for recovery and strong, badass women to follow. How do I know which accounts to unfollow? I'm nervous. I may be unaware how negative some accounts are subconsciously, and it spirals me deeper into my mental health issues.

Interesting. I would say.

Just gauge instinctively how you feel when you're stumbling upon a.

Certain post or story from a brand or an influencer. Gauge how you feel.

And this is when those. Those introspective questions like, okay, why do I feel that way? Why? Why am I triggered by this?

Is it something that maybe I feel.

I can improve upon? Or is it. I'm unfairly comparing myself to?

Is it something someone said to me.

When I was younger that is still.

Again, like, triggering something within me. Ask yourself why?

And ask yourself, can I get value from this page? Maybe even browse through a few of their older posts or some of their.

Story highlights so you can, you can see a little bit more of their content and ask yourself, can I get.

Value from this page? Why am I following them? And you know, ask yourself those questions, answer honestly, and if you're not, then.

You can unfollow them. You know, you can absolutely feel free.

It's good to be a little cutthroat. I think, like, if something makes you feel bad sometimes you're like, oh, well, I know that's not that person's intention and whatever. For me it's. It's almost like, what does the intention even matter? If it makes me feel bad, I'm going to cut them off because it's not good for my mental health. You know what I mean? So I think, like, so true. I think we all need to be a little more cutthroat. I mean, don't like, unfollow all your friends and family. I think they'll be really upset about that. But be honest with yourself, like, does this make me feel bad? And we don't always need to have a reason. I think we can forget that sometimes.

Totally. I completely agree.

So, Raelle, we need to wrap up the show, but is there anything that you feel like you wanted to share that you didn't get a chance to share?

Yes, yes. I would say two, two tips. First things, this kind of goes in with daily habits that you can practice.

Gas yourself up, people. I'm telling you, like, you can't wait.

For others to hype you up, to.

Believe in you, to be your cheerleader.

Be your own cheerleader. Yes.

That goes along with loving your body.

And all of those things.

But literally hype yourself up, it does.

Not make you arrogant.

I think women are so scared to hype themselves up and really believe in.

Themselves because they think it makes them look conceited or overly aggressive or whatever.

We are like, the second we hear a compliment, we're like, oh, really stepped in dog shit today. Like, we. I've noticed that is a thing. Like, I receive a compliment, my first instinct is to be like, oh, really? Like, I thought I looked like shit. You know, you don't need to respond like that. You can just say thank you and.

Accept the compliment completely. Completely.

And you know, if you.

My difference between confidence and arrogance is remaining grateful. If you remain grateful and open to learning and humble, you're not going to be arrogant. If someone gives you a compliment and.

You say, thank you so much. Yeah, these shoes are new. I'm super excited about them.

That's gratefulness. That's gratitude for the compliment and for the new shoes. And maybe you give a compliment back to that person. So that's not being conceited. Yes, it's a fine line, but it can be done. Confidence and arrogance aren't mutually exclusive.

So gas yourself up, hype yourself up.

Be your own type person.

Talk to yourself in the mirror, Write.

Down little notes to yourself. I mean, I truly believe in all.

Of that to boost your confidence on a daily basis and start small if you need to.

And then my second tip would honestly be stop obsessing over perfection and being perfect. I think, again, women are perfectionists, maybe naturally a little bit, and have always had high standards set against them by society.

It's like you got to do it all. You got to be perfect and this and that. And it's like women feel like the example about job applications is so perfect.

Women feel like they need to have.

100% of the requirements met in the job description to apply versus men, who.

Feel like if they have 50%, they're good enough and they apply to it.

They take that risk. So let go of perfection. It's unattainable and it is always going.

To stop you from moving forward. Be good enough. Be good enough and be willing to.

Be better and be good with that.

Yeah, and you're so right. Men are not concerned about being too cocky, so why should we, right?

Completely. Completely.

And they're not concerned with being perfect either.

They show up as their best selves.

That day and they kind of figure it out. And again, it's society too.

It's like we praise men for doing the bare minimum, whereas women.

It's like if we don't meet XYZ and cross those T's and dot those I's, then we're just not doing enough.

But we don't need to keep fulfilling that. We can show up as being good enough.

And if people criticize us for it.

Then whatever F them.

That's that nagging voice.

And you can just choose to turn that volume down. But don't chase perfection and be obsessed.

With being perfect because it truly only holds you back versus pushing you forward.

God, I love that so much. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I feel like my listeners are going to get a lot out of it. Where can people find you and follow you and write you messages? Maybe book a coaching session?

Sure, sure.

Yes.

Thank you for asking. I.

So I'm on Instagram. My handle is ellwithrael.

I'm on TikTok as well. Same handle there.

I go live on Thursday nights at.

7Pm Eastern weekly just to do like.

An informal Q and A and chat with my audience.

And then if you.

Yeah, yeah, that's been a good game changer for me too because that's something that I wanted to get more comfortable with.

And I just said, you know what, don't worry about being perfect. Just show up consistently and take it from there. And then if you go to my.

Website, wellwithraelle.com I have a ton of.

Resources and information about my services. And if you're interested in the consultation.

And in booking coaching sessions, you can go to a tab, fill out a.

Quick inquiry form and then I respond.

Like within 24 hours.

So it's super seamless.

And yes, all of these links are.

In my profiles as well. So great.

Thank you. I'll put those in the show notes as well for anybody who missed it. Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you for having me, Emily. Thank you so much.

What's up guys? It's me. I'm back. That was today's conversation with Raelle El Tejano. I hope that you got a lot out of that conversation. Follow Raelle. Watch her videos. She has so many tips beyond the ones that she shared in this interview. And while you're at it, leave a comment on the thread for Raelle's episode on the Discord chat. We can talk about these tips that she shared. We can even contribute more tips about how to build self confidence. This is meant to spark a conversation and I'd love to hear from you guys about your own self confidence journey and what has helped you along the way. So that's it for now you guys. I'll see you all next week on a brand new edition of RIP Diets. And in the meantime, have a fabulous week and unfollow all those problematic accounts on Instagram. Peace out.

If you like the show, please take a moment to rate, review and subscribe. It really does help the show to grow. Thank you for listening.