Ep: 180: Communication Expert: The Secrets To Winning Every Conversation; Raele Altano

Foreign. Welcome back, everyone to Diary of an Empath. Today I'm joined by Raelle Altano, a certified communication coach and the founder of well with Raelle. She's all about helping people master communication, build confidence and navigate personal growth with clarity and authenticity. With a background rooted in cultural diversity and a passion for empowering others, Raelle brings a unique perspective to the conversation and I'm excited to dive into insights on how we can communicate better because we all need a little bit of help there and she's great with self advocacy. So, Raelle, welcome to the show.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me, Chris.

So before we get into communication, because that's something that I think we all struggle with a little bit, I would love to know if you were going to define your mission, how would you define that?

Great question. Helping women primarily advocate for themselves, but also just feel comfortable in their skin, inside and out. In a social situation where maybe they don't know anybody and they want to converse and socialize with ease when they need to advocate for themselves in a situation they're unhappy with, whether it's they don't love the drink that they just ordered and how to voice that or setting a boundary with someone who is completely out of line with them or they don't want to continue a relationship with. I want women to feel comfortable with their voice and confident in their own skin.

So tell me a little bit about your background. So before we get into what you do now, how do I understand the woman I'm looking in front of? What do I need to know about you and your history?

So I am first generation Armenian American. My parents moved to the States right before I was born. They got divorced shortly after having me, so I really don't remember them together. And I had a great upbringing. But I was always the mediator between my parents and their challenging divorce, a challenging custody situation. I was an only child from that marriage, so I was the mediator trying to make sure everyone was content and just kind of doing it by myself because I didn't. There was no one with me to really relate to that situation. As a kid, I didn't have any siblings. Right. So a lot of people pleasing came into the picture from that. And I've also had to deal with my fair share of narcissistic relationships as well. With all of that said, I've loved, I've always been an extrovert. I've loved connecting with people and using my voice. I have a lot of opinions and just the talker in the room. So once I decided that I want to be a coach, this felt like a really natural shift for me and natural direction for me. Communicating, setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, socializing and networking or persuading when you need to. All of these things that A, come naturally to me, but B, also that I had to learn growing up. Not necessarily the easy way either, and navigate through over the course of my life.

When we talk about persuasion, let's just get right into it. So persuading versus manipulating, how do you distinguish the difference? What is the difference between having a conversation and being persuasive to get what you want or to get what you need versus something that we would define as like, oh, that's more manipulative.

I would say the space you create for the other person. When you're persuading, you're trying to get something to go your way and not necessarily putting yourself first, but you're trying to get something to go your way to happen in a way that you'd like it to see happen, but you're still creating space for the other person. You're acknowledging that maybe they don't agree with you right now. Maybe what you're suggesting might be something that's out there for them or they may not be ready to take that step. You are showing empathy and you're aware that the other person might not be a hundred percent on board. Whereas manipulation, I see that as you are not creating space for that person, you're expecting that they should be going along with what you're saying automatically and coming from a more egotistical place.

So for you, like when you are working through the communication space, what are you noticing? That seems to be one of the biggest misconceptions of communication, or at least struggles that you kind of see as a common denominator with women and how they communicate.

Anything a woman might say that isn't necessarily agreeing right away or in agreement comes off as either aggressive or passive aggressive. Even if she's being very direct, very clear much of the time, it still is presented as, oh, well, that's, that's passive aggressive, or you're just being aggressive. Sometimes, no matter what a woman says or does, there is always going to be an issue with it. And it's having the common sense and the confidence to say, you know what? I did the best that I could in this situation. I was respectful, I was empathetic, I didn't berate the other person, but I needed to set this boundary or I needed to make this opinion or make this Thought, heard, or whatever it might be, or advocate for myself in whatever way was necessary or persuade to try to get that promotion. I think that the key things are respect, empathy, and awareness that the other person might not agree and approaching it with good intentions. That's the foundation for good communication. Even if you end up saying something that the other person may not necessarily like, but some people just don't like. When women say anything other than just okay or. So it's a lose, lose, but it's knowing that you're coming from a good place and approaching it with the best way that you can.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think that there is this emphasis that if, as a woman, if you're speaking up and you're being assertive or you're speaking your mind or you're setting a boundary, it's like, ooh, she's a bitch. Or she's, she's aggressive. You know, she's. She comes off really strong or she has a really strong personality, when in fact, well, what's the alternative to not say anything? Build resentment and I continue to let you shit all over me. And so I'll give you an example. You know, in a friendship, when there is, let's say, one bad apple or somebody who is just really messy and kind of stepping over boundaries, right? And I now come forward and say, hey, what you're doing or what you did was not okay, right? This, this crossed a boundary for me. And then that said friend is labeling, let's say me as, oh, aggressive. See, she's. She's so aggressive and she's just. It's too much, right? How do we navigate when we're trying to maintain the integrity of, like, not wanting drama, not being the dramatic person, but also speaking up for ourselves in a place where we feel like our boundary is being crossed, Especially when it comes to, like, a group setting, how do we navigate that dynamic?

I believe that almost everything might do well with at least one conversation. Everything deserves at least one shot in saying, hey, this seemed weird to me, or are you okay? Something seems off. Number one, I think we have to be okay with being considered the villain sometimes, as hard as it is. And that's tough for empaths, for people pleasers or former people pleasers to come to terms with. Everyone has their own version of the story, and sometimes they're not going to hold themselves accountable. They're only going to say, oh, like, she's so aggressive. I can't believe she said this and that. She's always confronting me about something. Try Having that conversation. I think if you're noticing yourself wanting to bring something up often and there are red flags often, maybe the expectations of the friendship or relationship need to change. Maybe you and this person actually don't really see eye to eye as much as you'd like to. Um, and as difficult of a pill that might be to swallow, it might just be the reality where their ways of acting in a friendship are different from the ways that make sense to you. But I do feel like at least one conversation is worth having. If they say, oh, she's really being aggressive, she's being so dramatic, it can always be like, I, I wouldn't talk to you about this if I didn't care about this friendship or if I didn't care about this relations. I want to put this out there so we can move forward from it. I don't want to build resentment. I. Or I want to understand where you might be coming from. Maybe there's something I'm not seeing or hearing. All of those are good ways to identify. You're not just trying to stir up trouble or cause problems. You're trying to. You're feeling some type of way. You're trying to be real about it and hopefully move. Move forward from it.

So when should we. If we're talking about, like in the, in the scope of friendships, right? We recognize that, okay, I have a friend or I have an acquaint or somebody who I'm in contact with, who does not align with my highest good. At what point do we say, okay, let me try to have a conversation and give this person the benefit of the doubt versus, you know what? No conversation is needed. And I just don't want to have any type of contact like, how do we protect our peace? Or do we communicate and, and advocate and say something for that person and expect a change? Because. And the reason why I'm asking is because I feel like there's a lot of struggle with people who don't want to cause conflict or want to avoid conflict. And maybe a conversation can be had. But then are there just some people that. It's like, it's not worth my energy. So how do we start to distinguish the differences and when to just say, no, I don't even want to have a conversation. I'm good.

Number one, your closeness or your intimacy with that person or their perceived receptiveness to what you're saying, their emotional maturity, knowing how they have handled previous issues, maybe not necessarily with you, but just hearing how they've thought about and approached other issues. In the past is a tip off to what they might hear and how they might react. If you are bringing something up to them, for example, someone who you know just doesn't take any sort of criticism, well, most likely they're not going to take a conversation from you in the best way either, no matter how gently you try to present it. Uh, and then the third factor I would say is have you tried having this conversation with them before or checking in with them asking like trying to drop some hints here and there or like just understanding them like has that. If that's happened before, then I don't think it's fair for the responsibility to always be on one party to be bringing things up.

So when we talk about red flags, what are some red flags that people need to be aware of when it comes to how somebody communicates or even lack of. Right. Because one thing for me, and I just totally will be transparent, is my biggest pet peeve is not taking accountability. So if I bring something up and there's absolutely no accountability, no empathy for me, that's just the biggest red flag that what's the point in talking to you further? Because you are not going to make any changes if you can't even see my point of view. I'm curious for you. What do you notice is some red flags that come up over and over again when it comes to communication or how we communicate with people.

If you bring something up to someone and they get right into low blows and like the lowest hanging fruit that they can criticize, whether it's appearance, whether it's your tone, or like something very immature and petty, that would be considered a low blow. That's a red flag. Like anybody who is weaponizing the conversation right away is a, whether it's a friend, a, a partner or a family member that just shows a lack of respect and like, like they've, they've had this, this thing they've been wanting to say, they've been eager to say and just are waiting for the opportunity to say they've already thought it. They're just waiting for the opportunity to say it, which I think is problematic. Another thing would be stonewalling someone who just shuts down the second you bring something up to them. Gaslighting it's even trickier because it's like they're not just not taking accountability, they're making it like, oh no, you're, you're seeing things wrong. You're actually the, is even more manipulative.

The, the gaslighting I think is such a psychological Mind that people who have, people who have, have been through it and know, you know. Right. And it can literally make you feel like you're going absolutely crazy. But I also want to point out that gaslighting is not just like in romantic relationships, it can totally happen in friendships. I'm curious for you, where have you seen gaslighting manipulative tactics show up in non romantic relationships? How do we recognize when it's happening to us? Let's say in our workplace, in our friendships? What can it look like?

Number one, I would say a lack of empathy is a big indicator where if you share something with someone or point out, try to set a boundary and there's like a lack of understanding that is huge because right there already there is this lack of empathy, lack of sensitivity and this person is not going to waste time trying to turn things around on you. You can also see it with a lot of parent child relationships, whether the child's young or an adult child even, it can be because there, there was once a power dynamic there. So it's easy for them to, to do that and make the child feel like, okay, I, I guess so, sure. And that can carry on into adulthood. Lack of empathy is a big one where instead of them saying, okay, you know, I don't like what I'm hearing, but I understand where you're coming from or I don't think I was wrong, but I, I hear you. I'm gonna take some time to think about this. Saying things like that doesn't set one up for gaslighting versus like when they're right away ready to turn, take, take it off of them and make it about you being the problem. That's an indicator that gaslighting is on the way, remembering it wrong. Like, oh no, no, like you're either it's, it's your memory that's off or you, you're the one that needs help. An overreaction to your reaction would be a really big one where you're, you're having a reaction to something that they're instigating or they're doing and then they're reacting even larger to that, oh, you know, who hurt you, you need help. Or like, no, no, you're remembering that wrong.

And it's not just romantic relationships. And I think that when, when people have a history of being shamed or rejected or gaslit or blame shifting has happened, it can become really easy to just avoid conflict. Right. Because if we've learned that that's worked, especially if our parents did it to us, by avoiding the, the, the incident, by avoiding getting yelled at, by avoiding getting. Getting stuff taken away or being punished. That might work when you're a kid, but how is it showing up for you as an adult? Is that still working for you? So people who are avoiding conflict, let's say now in their adult lives, where is that not working? What does avoiding conflict do for us? Does it get us what we need? And for someone who does tend to avoid it, what are some steps that they can take to start speaking up for themselves in a way that gets their needs met?

Maybe in the short term it works for them and they feel like, okay, they're all good, you know, no one, they're not rocking the boat with anyone. It's. It's great, but it causes more harm in the long run. And I think many times it keeps people in your life that aren't necessarily meant to be there and don't have your best interests at heart. Seeing how someone reacts to what you bring up to them is like, as we've already been speaking about it is such a major. Even if they're not happy about it, even if they don't give you what you need in the moment, but they're at least just saying, okay, I hear you. This is just triggering for me or whatever. This is not something I like hearing, but I'm just going to take a minute to process it. Creating them. Creating that space indicates whether, like, they're really someone that's in your corner or not. Not all conflicts can be avoided at all times. And I think conflict itself has such a negative connotation to it where it's not like, it doesn't need to be a whole argument. It doesn't need to be something that goes on for days and days. It could just be. I've told my clients this, like, it could be considered just a difficult conversation. Reframing the term in that in your mind to just help you not be so scared of it can be major. Okay, conflict. It's a challenging conversation, but it's a conversation nonetheless and two parties can move forward from it. What I would recommend would actually be not doing certain things. So not. And I think these are like, easier tips to help someone move forward in the right direction. Not rushing to, to have nervous laughter, like just holding back that nervous laughter when someone says something that's. That doesn't sit well with them. Take a few extra seconds to just think about what someone is saying versus to jump to say, oh, okay, sure, I'll. I'll babysit for, for the 10th time this month, even though I have plans on Saturday night. But you know, something like that, like let's say your sister or someone is asking you to babysit their kids and you're just like, okay, sure, you don't want to do that? I'm using a very random example. But just instead of jumping to say okay to avoid conflict, to avoid any sort of tension, just saying, look, I need a few, I need to check my calendar and get back to you. I need to let you know if I might have something that night. I need to let you know if that works for me, taking that time or, you know, I'm not. If it's like over text, let's say like taking a few extra minutes to respond, it's no big deal. It's not. It's. It seems like longer to, to us than it really is to the other person. So how do you start speaking up is almost like undoing some, some start by undoing some things you're already doing. Rushing to speak or rushing to agree or rushing to just, just say okay. Not jumping into nervous laughter. Those are two things I'd say are like really great places to start.

So how do we start to have healthy conflict? What does that look like? Because for some people who grew up never had a model of what healthy conflict looked like. Conflict was conflict and it involved high highs and low lows. And then I started to navigate towards relationships that had high highs and low lows. And for me I'm like, oh, this is, this is normal. This is what normal fights look like. And you know, now in my 39 year old brain, I'm like, oh yeah, no, that's not normal, that's abusive. That was actually really unhealthy. And so I couldn't always distinguish what was healthy conflict versus not healthy. Because once I realized that that wasn't healthy at all, I'm like, okay, well no conflict is healthy like it should. If I feel conflict, like at one point in my life, once I kind of got out of the trauma, any conflict felt uncomfortable. And now I'm like, I just want to avoid it at all costs. This feels messy, this feels icky. And now I'm to the point where I'm like, okay, maybe not all conflict is bad. Maybe I can dabble my toe in what feels uncomfortable to start to speak up, to see who's in my circle, to see who I want to keep relationships with. Because how they respond is going to tell me a lot. So how do we know when it's healthy conflict when somebody in their mind is like, conflict feels gross. I don't want anything to do with it. Did you guys know that I'm not only a therapist, but I'm also a coach and a professional tarot reader. Now, it's not exactly me hovering over a crystal ball telling your future. It's a way to connect with your guides on life issues such as career and luck, love and spirituality. And sometimes people need one on one coaching to help them through breakups, toxic relationships, healing the mother wound, their spiritual path, or navigating tools as an empath. So I do all of these things to help my clients pursue life and decisions and understand themselves. So if you are interested in one on one coaching or a tarot reading, click the link below to get started. Okay, back to the podcast.

This is an acronym that I love. Start with age, approach with gratitude or empathy. It's just always such a great intro and a non violent introduction to what you want to say. So look, I understand. I. And back to the babysitting thing, right? Let's say your sister's asking you to babysit her kids. You're their niece or you're their aunt, whatever, but you've done it over and over again and like you kind of need a break or whatever. You could say, look, I love that you trust me to babysit them and you feel like you can rely on me, like I, I genuinely mean it or I understand why you want me to watch them and versus like hiring a babysitter and that you really trust me more than others. With that said, and one thing, I really love replacing but with with that said because sometimes where we insert the but is like it just negates everything that we just said. So if we're starting with I love that you trust me to babysit instead of hiring a babysitter. I get, I get why you want to do that, but it kind of kills everything that you just your entire intro. So I love that you trust me to babysit, period. With that said, I feel that. And again, I statements wherever you can. I feel that I do have a few things going on this month and on weekends where I'm. I'm just not able to. To commit my time. One more thing I would say would be like, what's the conclusion? Like, like articulate what you want. Asking in advance is it just don't ask me more than three times a month. Like what is it? What is the end goal that you would like having an idea of that is helpful. It's not a must because sometimes you may want to voice something to someone and you don't know what the end resolution is. But when you can figure that out, I would say try to figure that out in advance so you have, like, you have a tangible something that you want to move forward with.

I like the idea of taking some time to respond, to figure out what you want or how you want to respond to that. I think a lot of people, and I put myself in this category where I've like, gotten a message, let's say, from somebody who's asking me to do something for the tenth time, and immediately I get anxiety. Immediately I feel this, like, ugh, like this icky feeling inside, right? But instead of saying something, I'm responding of, okay, sure, what day? Or, yeah, that's no problem, I can do it. But it's what's unfair about that, when I think about that, is that the other person may not even know that you have a problem, right? And meanwhile, you're building resentment, and it's. It's actually either pulling you away or building up anger and resentment for something that the other person may not even know that you have an issue with. So for people who have anxiety and may feel like, okay, this might be a conflict, or communication can lead to a conflict, what are some ways that we can improve and express our needs and have a boundary? So I know we have age, but if we're going to start having boundaries with people and let's say that the person is really crossing some boundaries, how do we start to really implement the boundaries in a way that doesn't necessarily push the person away or doesn't make us lose relationships because we don't want to be rude and assertive and an asshole about it. Right. But I also don't want to be taken advantage of. So how do we make that distinction? How do we communicate that?

I would say assertive. Isn't being rude assertive communications, the happy medium. There's passive, passive aggressive, assertive, which is where we all want to be, and then aggressive. So, yes, some people may take your assertiveness for rudeness, but again, if you're approaching it with empathy, kindness, respect, you're setting up the foundation for good communication. Also, tone, body language matters so much as well. If you're in person or on the phone with someone but taking a few extra minutes to respond. And even if that's like, in person where you can't, you can't delay it, like, you would be able to delay it in a text message, you can say, you know, I. I'm really not sure. I need a few. Let me look into that and get back to you. Let me, let me see. I don't know. Don't. You don't. Don't feel like you have to communicate an answer right away or like, I don't know. I can see and get back to you tomorrow. So it's not even. Not only are you. You're saying you don't know or you're saying you need more time. You are also letting them know when you'll circle back with them. So that's clear too. There isn't this, like, well, when can you get back to me now? If they. Let's say, they say, oh, yeah, like, well, no, tomorrow's too late. Like, I need. I need to know sooner if you can do this favor for me or what? Well, I need some time to check my schedule. The soonest I'd be able to get back to you is tomorrow.

What if it's romantic? Like, you know, because sometimes I think it gets really. It gets really hard when you're trying to implement boundaries with somebody who you're dating, right? And that person that you're dating, you don't want to push them away. You don't want. You don't want to get rejected. So how do we navigate the boundaries in the dating world when we also don't want to get rejected?

The basis is still the same. I would say approaching it with a gratitude and empathy. And like, I hear you, or I get that this is what you want, but this is where what I can do, this is what I can't do. What is the. The end goal or what's the compromise?

Let's do some specifics. So let, Let me think. So what if. What if I'm dating somebody and it's in the new. Like, we're a couple weeks right into it, or maybe it's starting to get a little bit more serious. I really like this person. He really likes me. We're spending a lot of time together. We have decided to become monogamous. And I notice on his, let's say his social media that he puts a lot of kissy faces on models profiles. And this is making me feel really uncomfortable. Um, but I don't. I don't want to be controlling, but I also know that this doesn't sit well with me. How would I communicate that with this potential partner and say, you know, hey, this is, this is not something I'm comfortable with without coming off needy, Starting.

With a positive or again, like a neutral, approaching it with that gratitude. Like, you're not going to be empathetic about them leaving those emojis on the model's pictures. But you can say, like, I love the time we're spending together. I love the fact that we're now exclusive. I am so enjoying our time, our company, together. With that said, this is making me uncomfortable. And I think that's another switch in terminology that can be so powerful. Instead of you doing. This is making me uncomfortable. This thing is making me uncomfortable. This thing isn't going to work for me. And that's not to say you're not holding the person accountable. You are. But saying to someone, leaving comments, leaving flirty comments on certain people's Instagrams is not something I'm comfortable with in a relationship. Sounds different than you're leaving comments on models, pictures. And we're new in this relationship, and that's not something I'm okay with. Like, there's a difference in how you're presenting the situation. One is a little bit more neutral. It's a little more regulated. It's still advocating for yourself. It's still assertive, but it's not. It doesn't trigger, like, this defensive response in the other person.

Okay, so let's say I'm dating said person and I am no longer feeling it. This is not my type, or I'm not attracted, or there's just something there where I don't want to continue. The. The dynamic of whatever the dating is. A lot of people these days ghost and ghosting can be confusing, I think, for a lot of people. So what is your interpretation of ghosting? Why people ghost, and what can we do instead? Actually, better question, if I'm the one being ghosted, do I say something or do I let it go?

Normally I'd say, again, each situation is unique. But normally I would say to let it go. Maybe if you do want to say it once, to say, like, look, if this isn't working for you anymore, then that's fine. Just let me know. And if there's still not. Not responding, then let it go. But on that note, I personally hate ghosting. I think it's so. It's so easy to do in today's world because of technology. And, like, you're not calling someone anymore and. Or you're just swiping left and right on an app. You could just leave a DM on red and just never go back to it again, but it still doesn't feel good. And people avoid. Or people do it and avoid just saying what they're thinking because I think few things. Number one, maybe they don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. But I think number two also they don't want to hold themselves accountable for putting an end to something or saying, I'm just not feeling it anymore, or you're just not. Like they, they almost want to skirt that accountability and responsibility. And it's okay. It's okay to. I think sometimes the, the directness may. May come as a foreign thing for people, but it's okay to just say, this isn't, this isn't working for me anymore. So if you're ghosting, and that can come in personal relationships or intimate relationships, business relationships, where, let's say, I don't know, someone suggests a proposal for something for you and you're looking to collaborate in a professional way and it's just not going to work for you. Just respond to that person, close the loop, let them know this isn't going to work. But I wish you the best of luck, like genuinely. And two things can be true at the same time. Something may not work for you or may not make the most sense for you. Your business, your personal life. But I wish you the best, or thanks for your time. Two things can be true at once. I think that's another thing people forget that it's like, oh, it needs to be all or nothing. And it's like you can say something someone may not want to hear, but still conclude it on a neutral note. Express that, like cordial something. So in a romantic relationship, that's really more the hardest one. It's up to you how much you want to elaborate on it. But you can say it's been good getting to know you. It's been. Been nice getting to know you. Your effort and commitment is something I, I've noticed and I really appreciate. Right. With that said, I'm not feeling this in a way that I was a few months ago or a few weeks ago or I've realized I'm not in a place to, to date right now and you can say, I wanted to be direct and let you know. I think some people don't appreciate this much honesty. They. They would prefer to be ghosted. You can say I wanted to let you know instead of ghosting or just going mia, I wish you the best. This is assuming if things are like, kind, if things are going on a positive note, you can be this kind and this. Give the person that time. If the person's already been disrespectful from the start, you can you don't have to jump through as many hoops to say what you're saying. Obviously, I'm talking about if there's a mutual respect. But you are going to be telling someone something they don't want to hear. Here's a way to finesse it a little bit, right?

I hear what you're saying, right? Like, if they're. If there's disrespect, if there's boundaries that are crossed, you may not owe them an explanation. And I think I look at it from the point of I try to be the person I want to be, that I want. How do I say I want to be the person that I expect from other people, Right? In terms of, like, I would prefer someone tell me if they're not interested anymore and not ghost me. And it's good practice, I think, to communicate and be direct. Because for a lot of us, it does not come naturally, right? Like, we're sitting at the bar, we're sitting at the restaurant, and they get the drink wrong, or the steak is overcooked. I cannot count how many times in my past, me, myself, or other people, that I'm at the. At the restaurant. Like, no, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. Don't say anything like, it's. It's fine. I'll drink it. But you're paying for it, right? Like, it's. It's not. It's not coming out. So. All right, let's. Let's break it down in maybe small ways that we can start to speak up more in our everyday life. So let's take the restaurant, for example. The. The waiter gets our drink wrong. What's a way we could start practicing speaking up for ourselves and saying, yeah, hi, Nita. And not. But not be rude or feel ingenuous or feel like it's not being authentic.

One way that I don't love. But it is a good intro way to doing it. And I still do it, too. Sometimes if, like, I'm feeling tired or maybe, like, my. My words aren't coming out as smoothly, it's just a great way to initiate it. It's like, hey, I don't want to be a pain. I'm actually not loving this drink. Or I noticed that my steak was overcooked. Having that neutral tone and that, like, kindness in your voice will already sound different than, I don't like this or this. This tastes awful. That's another thing I would say. Don't. Don't go into it by criticizing the thing right away. Even if you hate it. I would say start by saying, like, look, I don't love this. I'm not loving this. I recently did this with a drink that I had ordered a cocktail. I really didn't like it and I was like debating. I'm like, should I, should I send it back? Should I not have your alternative in mind, if possible, have your. Can I get a beer instead? Or can I get this instead? Or do you want taken off the bill? Like, know what you're asking for, Think about that in advance. Or if not, then say, like, what could you. What could you do for me?

If we're at work and I don't like Bob, he's an asshole and he's always telling me to do his work or he's always giving me extra work. What is a better way of. Instead of saying, you're an asshole and I'm not doing that, what is the professional way to hold a boundary and still keep the integrity of my job?

I wish I could help, but I have a lot on my plate. I won't be able to, to take that on. And that one too depends. Like, is this something they ask every now and then? Is this constant? Do you need to get a manager? Like, there are degrees to it, right? But would love to help, but I don't have the bandwidth for this right now and I have a lot on my plate and won't be able to tackle this. You can either say this week, I could, I could maybe try to help you out next week, or I can ask my manager about re. We can, or maybe we can set up a meeting with my manager, our manager, to refocus some priorities. That's not. Especially in work scenarios when you need to get a third person involved or tap into that potential. If you want, I can, I, I can set up a meeting with our manager to see, to see what they might be able to help with. Because if this, this person is really trying to throw work and dump work on you on the low, they're not going to like someone higher up getting involved and knowing that they're doing that.

I find that there's a lot of differences between men and women when it comes to how we look at communication. And, and I'm really curious as to how your work with your clients has affected this. Because if we take like men and women when it comes to communication, I feel like if a man says something and listen, I, I'm all for equal opportunity, but there's. The patriarchy exists, right? If a man says something, he's assertive and he's a leader. If a woman says that same thing, I think oftentimes there is a view of bitchiness. She's cocky, she's so into herself and she's not a nice person. She's a mean girl. Right. What are some differences that you notice? Do you, do you feel like women have to be more strategic and work harder with communication and why.

Yes, work harder with everything. Work harder to prove they are smarter, to prove that they can be mothers and be focused in the workplace, that there, there is double the work and effort and mindfulness involved for women, for sure. It is. It is. And even once you do all that, there are still complaints and comments on the other side. Because I think it's easy. It's easy to target those who have been criticized and picked apart for centuries. And that's whether it's a gender thing, whether it's race or nationality. It's easy to, to make the, the less powerful genders or nationalities or races the scapegoat for everything. Oh, no, like I said this because they did that.

And it's, it's a real phenomenon that we still are dealing with when it comes to the patriarchy. You know, it shouldn't have to be this hard to figure out, like, how do I communicate this without looking like a. Or being assertive in the workplace or not being, you know, because if women, I feel like, are kind of looked at as, don't say anything, be the good girl, be the passive one, be the easy to get along with one. And if you're easy to get along with, everybody is going to like you. And one of my previous guests is like the. It's like Betty. She said it's like Betty who takes the shirt off her back, you know, for anyone. It's like, no, keep your fucking shirt on. Stop giving out your shirt to everybody around you. That shouldn't be. The thing that makes people like you is to be passive, avoiding confrontation and not actually speaking up for your needs because it's like a quality of life. That. That is shitty. What advice do you have for your younger self now? Kind of having the information and doing the work that you're. You're doing. What would you tell that younger self that maybe didn't know all of these things that you know now continue.

Speak up. Because exactly what you said, you're not. You're most likely going to piss someone off along the way anyway. So figure out what your truth is and speak on that. Another thing, though, that would be helpful is to be mindful of your emotions and feel them, but don't let them overcome you. Don't let them dictate how you are saying something or a difficult conversation that you have to have. And regulating emotions hard. Especially when again you've seen you have examples of that not being done growing up. But something I would definitely tell my younger self, I even tell my myself currently is is feel all of the things but be mindful of how you want to present them. And even if it's like taking time stepping away from the conversation temporarily to just recollect, to feel and then to revisit it, that's okay.

And.

I would say one thing that is helpful for might be helpful for women across the board is it's good to be assertive. It's important. But also when you can and when it's genuine and deserved, give a compliment too. Whether it's your fellow woman or maybe to even to a male counterpart. I think it helps offset like when you need to criticize or you need to and even if it's constructive criticism when you need to criticize or when you need to set a boundary when you need to whatever it you you being able to give a compliment or to say hey, that was great work or I I really appreciated that task that you did for me. It shows that you are not just swaying to one side always and you're able to see the full picture. Like sometimes I'll. I'll have to tell my husband like this thing, you forgot about this thing or this didn't happen like I'd asked you about this. But I think when we do take the opportunity to say hey, thank you so much for doing that. I really appreciate. I see you for doing this. It levels the playing field a little bit. And it's again not to not to be completely on the other way too where it's like you're being fake. But it's like when you give people the credit they deserve and of course this is with the caveat that if someone is being disrespectful, abusive, then they don't necessarily deserve that credit. But when you're you give someone the credit you deserve, it shows that you are seeing the full picture and you are not just this bitch in the corner like looking to poke holes and everything. When you criticize something or are drawing a boundary, it's done with intention. In the same way that when you say something kind, helpful, productive, generous, it's also done with intention.

Thank you for doing the work that you do. Because I think that communication is difficult For a lot of us and navigating the world with relationships and trauma and the patriarchy, it's, there's, there's no right way it seems and, and women do have to work a little bit harder to show up in a certain way. So your platform is so important because it gives us tools and resources that maybe a lot of people can't afford to go see a therapist or go take a course. So these types of platforms are so important what you do and it's representing, you know, being a woman who is able to communicate needs and boundaries, something that a lot of us weren't taught. So thank you for continuing the work that you do. I'm going to link everything below for everyone to find you. Is there anything that you're working on right now that you want to let everyone know about?

Yes, yes, thank you for asking. I'm working on a six week coaching intensive. It's on the art of assertive communication. How to set boundaries, how to speak up in meetings or presentations without that fear and how to speak assertively and communicate assertively in a few different ways. So each week is a different lesson. We have live coaching each week. There's an opportunity to get learnings and to do role play within each class. It's going to be a really great intensive. It's going to be a group of around 10 to 20 women. So I'm going to be sharing information for that soon. But that's the next big one and I'm excited. It's my first. It's the first of its kind within. Well with Rael coaching this like group intensive. So really looking forward to that.

Yeah. And if it, if it's, if it's ready and we'll link it. If not, I'll definitely link the socials for everyone to find you and stay in touch and stay tuned for it. So Raelle, thank you again for coming on the show.

Amazing. Thank you so much. Greece. It.