UN-communicative with Raele Altano

What is an example of some ways that an abrasive communicator may speak to others?

Condescending statements like, well, why are you dating that guy? Still, if he's hurt you this many times, like, you're being stupid or what do you expect? Or no offense, but I hate that stuff.

I'm, like, triggered, please. All right, guys, welcome back to another episode of Unlicensed. My name is Jill, the host of Unlicensed, and if this is your first time tuning in, hopefully not. But if you're scrolling TikTok or something and you see me pop up, this is the podcast for women can write in anonymously and you guys will get advice for free from me and my special guest of the week. I am somebody that does not know what the hell I'm doing with my life half the time. So that's why I have these amazing guests coming in. Coaches, therapists, friends and family. Whoever it is, whoever has that expertise or has been through the situation that you're writing in about, that's who's going to come and join us on the unlicensed podcast. Guys, today I'm so excited. We are joined by Raelle Altano. She is a communication coach and personal development coach for Women with over 250,000 followers on TikTok. She is the founder of well with Raelle, which helps clients become amazing communicators and support support them on their journey of personal development. She's amazing. I've been following her on TikTok for a while. You guys need to check her out. I'll let her plug everything at the end of the episode. But welcome, Raelle. I'm so excited to have you here.

Thank you. Thank you, Jill. Really appreciate you having me and I'm excited to be here.

I love it. Well, guys, today we are talking about, obviously Raelle, the communication coach, communication queen. We are talking about communication, how to communicate healthily. If you're someone that does not know how to communicate well, we're going to speak through some of those tips as well. But as always, we like to get to know our guests a little bit more and learn a little more about your journey. You mentioned on your site that you were someone that grew up with divorced parents. Your parents were immigrants as well, and you didn't have a lot of family that was living close to you where you were growing up. So you had to step outside of your bubble and get to know other people. And that's kind of started your communication journey, I'm sure, to where you are now. And so tell us a little bit about that journey and how you got to where you are now, basically.

Sure, sure. Yes. So exactly that. Divorced parents, first generation American, which, you know, there's blessings to all of that. But it was definitely a bit of an adjustment. I didn't have family close by because most of them were either in other states or overseas completely. So my school friends were really my life. And I was always a social butterfly from day one and just liked connecting with people and getting to know people. I don't know, I could talk through a wall. And not to say that, you know, over time, your confidence builds, of course, as you get older and get to know yourself better, but it's just always been something that I've loved. And yeah, I got my coaching certification in 2021. I started a little bit more broadly with overall confidence coaching for women, because I just think that's so important. But I kept touching upon communication a lot, and during the pandemic especially, I realized that a lot of people could probably use support with communication and socializing and advocating for themselves in a strong way. I think those are skills that are so important. But we all, as humans are kind of losing a little bit because we're working remotely. We're just interacting more virtually, maybe not socializing as much because of COVID and the results of all of that. So I just felt like it would be helpful to niche down a little bit more and focus on that. And it was very natural because it's something I've always liked. Like I said, you know, it's something that's always been a part of me. So, yeah, no, I love that.

And I do feel like the social media world remote working, obviously, and Covid definitely play a role into people's social. Social skills. I know for me, I've always been a very social person, but after Covid, I feel like all my social skills left my body. The first time I hung out with a group of people after Covid, I felt myself really struggling to communicate, maintain eye contact, all the things that I'm sure are pillars of building healthy communication. What was that like for you? Did you feel like yourself even beginning to lose some of those skills, or were you like, this is my job, so I'm good, I'm steady. What was it like for you throughout that time as well?

No, I mean, you know, we're all human, and I think we all. It would be unrealistic to say we all, you know, we didn't face the effects of all of that. I too, I still sometimes feel like I have to make a conscious effort to make eye contact with someone when I'm speaking to them, because on a screen, you know, you're looking. I feel like you're looking down more because it's just the angling of zoom or these layouts of the virtual workspaces. But it's different when you're in person with someone and you're eye level with them. And that's something I noticed. I'm like, this is what is going on. So I have to consciously make an effort to make that eye contact and be present in the moment. I feel like it's sometimes easy to just wander off and not listen to someone fully and be in your own mind, because you maybe weren't with people for some time. But, yeah, it's. It's a constant work in progress, whether you're a coach or not. I feel like we're all human and we all have to practice their muscles. Right? We all have to practice those muscles.

So, yeah, I love that practice and continuing on. And for you, when you were growing up and you started getting outside of your bubble and speaking with people, meeting people, you said you're a social butterfly, which is amazing. I know a lot of people are kind of like you. A lot of people aren't like you. Maybe it was social anxiety as well, too. What was that like for you? Did you find yourself becoming nervous when you were first getting out of your bubble, or did it feel instinctual and normal for you just to begin to meet new people and have conversations? Because I know a lot of individuals, especially around that age of middle school, elementary school, you're so insecure. And a big part of that is communication and speaking with new people that you don't know. So what was that like for you? Honestly?

You know, I feel like, in a way, things were easier than a. Because there was no social media. I mean, true. That was a big one. So you really had to interact. You were forced to interact with your classmates and students. Not that kids don't do that now, but it's just. It's a little bit different. And there was no social media. And I feel like also when you're younger, you're forced to socialize with the people going to school, not getting out. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting because I feel like it's almost more difficult to make friends and connect with people as an adult as you lose that schooling. And again, you're working remotely, and not all colleagues can necessarily translate into becoming friends. So it was almost just easier then because you're in this world that encourages socializing and connecting with kids your own age versus now, where it's a little bit more of an effort and people are pulled in multiple directions. They're parents. And it's just more difficult, I think, to make friends as a true adult in the real world. I don't know. What do you think? What's your thought on that?

No, I completely agree. I just moved to Atlanta in August, and it really was the first time that I had to make new friends after 25 years, really, because I was in school for so long. Then I went to college, and then after I graduated in 2019, a lot of my college friends stayed in the same town, including myself. So it was really easy for me to talk with new people. People were coming around, but I didn't really have an opportunity. I mean, I guess I could have made friends. I was being lazy, and I was like, I got my little buffalo. I'm good. But moving to Atlanta was the first time that I wanted to step outside of my bubble, but also kind of needed to because a lot of friends that I already had here were moving or they already had their established friend groups that I wasn't really a part of. So it's difficult, for sure. I think for me, I'm really attracted to, in terms of communication, really outgoing, social people. That allows me to open up a little more. But I find myself when I'm with people that are a bit more shy, I'm the one that's talking a lot, and usually I'm. I like to sit back and listen. That's more of my vibe. So, yeah, adult friend making is definitely hard, for sure.

Right?

Absolutely. Yeah.

And hats off to you for moving to a new city and doing that. That's incredible.

Oh, it was okay. I'm not gonna lie. I'm, like, trying to figure it out right now. I moved in August, so I haven't been here for too long. But I'm trying to navigate it, take it day by day, not put too many expectations on myself of where I need to be. So it'll be good. We'll figure it out. But I think that is a perfect segue into our advice for the day. Thank you for sharing your story. So the first one, again, we're talking about communication, healthy communication. And this one's actually because it deals with some romantic relationships, some dating stuff. So I know you'll have some good things to say about that, but this person wrote it, and they said, hi, Jill. So here's the situation I've been Seeing this guy for over a month and we've gone on a few dates. He's such a gentleman and is genuinely super sweet and understanding. He never mentioned or tried anything sexual with me at all, which was unbelievably refreshing. On one of our most recent dates, I went over to his house and we got high and watched a movie, and it was really, really nice. There was a point where I got the vibe that he wanted to kiss me for the first time. And we did. We just made out throughout the night and he drove me home and it was really, really cute. This is cute. I kind of want something like this, too. This is cute. Okay. I was excited because for the first time, I could realistically see myself in a happy relationship with someone. Two days later, he messaged me, letting me know that unfortunately, he doesn't think it's best for him to commit to a serious relationship. Right now. We're both busy college students and he's graduating this semester, interning in a sport and studying for the MCAT at the same time. While I completely understand and commend him for being upfront and honest with me about it, it still sucks that right when I think something might actually work out for me, it doesn't. The timing of it also made me feel kind of weird because right after we've made out and been intimate, you tell me you don't want something serious right now. In all honesty, I think he's being genuine and trying to let me know before things go further, which I appreciate. But I still can't help but think about that. He said he still wants to talk and hang out, and we have, but I'm having a hard time asking him exactly what still hanging out means to him. Of course I still know that we can't be serious right now, but I also don't know how to ask him if that means we're exclusive but just not dating or if he wants to see other people or what exactly the boundary is. Conversations like that stress me out, and I would usually just avoid it. But I like him too much not to ask. For clarity, how should I bring this up to him? And how do I ask this in a way that doesn't seem clingy or possessive? I hope this makes sense. Thank you. Okay, this is a long one, but this is a good one because I feel like most women, especially, have probably been through a situation with a guy with a partner before where you're thinking, what are we? And you don't want to have that serious conversation with them. My first Question for you, Raelle, is I think a lot of people confuse healthy communication with confrontation. This negative thing. When you're trying to speak to someone, for example, and, you know, you want to get things off your chest, a lot of people immediately think, drama, this is going to blow up, this is going to be bad. Why do people think that? And what really is the difference between the two of them?

Great question. Why do people think that? I feel like there's stigma towards having deeper conversations. That automatically translates to, whoa, like, you're being confrontational. You're. Especially when it comes to women doing it. Yeah. I think there's some societal influences also. But just because you'd like to have a conversation and get clarity or just let a friend know that they hurt you in a way or like, you know, you didn't appreciate something, that doesn't mean that it's the end all, be all, and you don't have a right to share those things in a healthy way.

Yeah.

Again, I think some of it is influenced by society. Like, we're just supposed to sit there and be like, all right, all good, great. You know, or else you're. You're seen as the other extreme of, like, being this confrontational, you know, high, you know, edgy person or woman.

It's so hard for people to have tougher conversations. For example, I have some friends that they're dealing with a guy. It's very easy for them to communicate and just get that off their chest. For me, I. Maybe it's my anxiety too, but I struggle. I'm overthinking for days about it. Why is it so hard for people, especially women, to have tough conversations in general with others? Is it, again, the societal standards that you just mentioned telling us that we need to just keep quiet and keep your mouth shut and keep smiling? Is it maybe how people were raised and maybe in their household, they were taught to not bring up anything that was bothering them, not express their feelings. So what's kind of going into that for people?

Yeah, all of the things that you mentioned. Anxiety can definitely play a part of it too, because it just becomes bigger in someone's mind versus if they were to just share it, it would probably be diminished a little bit. Just grows and grows and grows. And it's like, oh, my. It becomes this beast that you don't even know how to.

Right. Yeah.

And I do think it's like some people just don't know what to say or how to say it. So how to advocate for yourself in a way that clear, set expectations In a way that is clear, makes sense. Like people just don't know, you know, no one really teaches anyone how to communicate per se, or like how to convey some of these tougher, tougher things. But it's important and of course audience matters. Every circumstance is so different. But it's helpful to have some guidelines and just a rule of thumb, like to feel more confident in at least approaching the situation. So that's what I try to help with.

Yes, and you're doing it so well too. But you're so right. There's not really a rulebook about it. A lot of times you just are modeling after what your family, you see them talking and communicating, which can be really great if you grew up with parents, for example, that were healthy communicators and listened also in the opposite spectrum of that, that can be really dangerous for people that see their parents just going off and fighting or whatever. So, yeah, definitely great what you're doing so people can have those other resources too. Kind of talked about social media earlier and how it plays such a role into communication. And I want to talk about communicating something serious with someone over a text message versus in person in this example. Obviously this guy, he did the right thing, I think by communicating early on in the relationship that he, you know, he has these certain expectations. Not leading this girl on, but also on the other side of that, it does sometimes suck getting a text message from someone that you really like versus in person when you can read their body language and things. What do you think about this situation specifically? Do you think it's okay to send a text message communicating something hard, especially if it's early on in the relationship, you don't really know each other. Do you think communication is better just over a FaceTime or in person when you can read the tone and everything? What are your opinions on that?

Yeah, definitely. Again, it does matter on specific circumstances, but I don't think length of time really matters if you really connect with someone and you've only been talking to them for a month. Like this person has. Yeah, a phone call or talking in person or facetiming is so valuable. And sometimes someone may feel more comfortable sending a text, but it can be up to you to turn that around or change the direction of that a little bit. So it might be so easy for this person to just respond and, you know, say her piece in that response text message. But yeah, they could also say, hey, do you have time for a quick chat later? And I don't know, that made me make me sound so antiquated because I don't know, like, you know, people don't like talking on the phone anymore. I've seen so many memes that are like, never call me because I will never.

People hate it. People hate it. Yes.

No, I know. But yeah, tone of voice, body language, it matters so much. Or just saying, again, these two people seem to have a good connection. So. And the person who was honest and shared what he shared said that he would still like to hang out. So maybe getting a cup of coffee, like something neutral and clarifying what he meant, but also setting. Having the person who wants clarification setting his or her own expectations too. Like, why does it always need to be like, what are we? How about, yes, the person who submitted this advice be like, this is what we are. Like, I can't really hang out when it's just going to blur the lines more. And setting boundaries for him or herself really, too.

No, I love that the what are we? Specifically conversation is so interesting to me because there is this. This stigma, especially with women. And maybe it's this whole narrative that we have nowadays of women needing to be pursued. And you can never be the one that makes the first moves and everything too. And I love to be pursued. Don't get me wrong. I'm like, come chase me, come chase me. Yeah, but why do you think that women really struggle with bringing up, Initiating that conversation of what are we? For example, the last guy that I dated and some of my friends as well, we were like, oh, we can't bring it up. Like, he needs to bring it up. He needs to bring it up again. Is it just society, this whole idea of us needing to be chased and committed to. From the other side, from that person. Why is it hard for women to initiate and set their expectations early on in the relationship too? Especially if they know they're feeling the person that they're dating?

Yeah, all of the things you mentioned, I think coming off too aggressive or clingy. Even the person mentioned this. The person who submitted the advice mentioned this. Just coming off a certain way. And maybe it's just changing the dialogue. It's like, I don't have to ask you what we are. Like, these are my goals and expectations. And if you can't meet them, that's okay. But, like, the tone and the stage has been set in a way, like, you know, so that's very clear. And it might be difficult to say right away. You have to finesse that a little bit. But instead of always defaulting to like, hey, what are we and like, leaving the ball in the man's court.

Right.

It's also saying, like, look, like, this is what I'm looking for. And if that's not something that you're looking for, that's okay. We both know that and we can move accordingly from there. But I think expectations in any conversation are really powerful and can save so much time, save so much headache, heartache. Yes. And even, like, back to the person who reached out for the advice can reach out and say, hey, like, would you be open to a call or meeting in person? Like, I would just like to meet and clarify a few things between us, like setting the expectation of the call or the meeting.

I love that. So then he can also go and already knowing what it's about instead of being not blindsided. That's a bad way of saying it. But he can have the expectation that it might be a bit of a more serious conversation so that he can prepare himself as well, which I think is good. And within that, too, I think something that you brought up that's really important is I just had a guest on my show and we were just talking about how it's really hard for people to set expectations early on in a relationship because, again, just with society, you feel like it's something that you shouldn't. Do you feel like you need to be a few months in dating this person before you ask, what are we? Before you say what you want out of the relationship, do you have an example of a time where you set expectations from the job? Even with a friend, it can be platonic. In a workplace environment, in a relationship that people knew that what you wanted early on, instead of again wasting time and waiting down the road, because that's valuable time if you want a serious relationship and you're not communicating that to the person that you're dating, and then three, four months in that person's like, no, I'm just trying to hook up. You're like, well, that was three or four months. That's great. Of course, you learn so much about yourself. It's great today. But again, if those expectations were communicated early on in the relationship, friendship, workplace environment, then you would have saved a lot of time and could have met someone else. That's on that same level at the beginning. So have you ever had a situation, an example, and you have done that.

In the dating realm especially. I'll be totally transparent. I'm not a dating expert or coach, and I didn't have that much that many opportunities to date. I was really always the first in Relationships. I'm married now, happily married. But I know with friends or even in workplaces, a lot of the time my resentment or confusion would come from not being upfront and not being clear. So now if those I realize that things are going a little bit haywire or there's something that I feel like my ex expectation wasn't met, I will be more transparent about it even after the fact. So my motivation to be transparent, like, I recently had a conversation with a friend about something that happened that upset me a little bit. And it was on the phone. I really didn't want to do it over text message. And it was about like, hey, you know, this is what you mean to me. And I was disappointed when XYZ happened. So, yeah. So I feel like now I'm more communicative than ever also, because I want to set an example and really live my life with the things that I try to encourage others to do. But it's because I've had so much, I guess, so many instances where I didn't do that, and then it just like built up resentment, bitterness, frustration and whatnot.

That was a perfect example. And I was gonna ask you because I noticed even in the example that you just gave, you used I statements and communicating how you were feeling, is that something that people should do when they're communicating, communicating to others? I. Because I know for me, I try to use the eyes for real. I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it's easy for me to be like, well, you. You did this and this and made me feel this way. I'm trying to work on that a lot. Is that something that people should do when they're communicating with others? Especially when it comes to emotions and feelings?

Yes, yes. So much, so much. It is a much better way to approach a conversation or a confrontation. It sounds less abrasive and it automatically gets the other person off guard or doesn't you, forces them to not be as defensive and just listen to what you're feeling and like the way XYZ made them feel. So, yes, as much as possible, yes, all the eyes.

Guys, you heard it here first. I love it. And obviously in this situation, it's so great because this guy did let this girl know pretty early on that he was not interested. And of course it sucks because it was right after they made out and you're getting excited. You're starting to build that dream life together a little bit. In this case, it was great because she didn't get led on to what are some downfalls? What are some Things that can happen if you don't communicate properly or healthily with your partner, a friend. I don't know if that's like mental health wise, if like self esteem and your own confidence within yourself or just obviously in a situation as blunt as this, being led on would have been something that happened to this girl because he would not have communicated with her. What are some bad things that can happen if you, if you are not communicating properly with someone or not receiving healthy communication on the back end too?

Yeah, definitely disappointment, which leads to just not feeling good, feeling like you're not having the opportunity to be heard, which if that builds and builds over time, it makes you feel like, okay, then maybe my voice or my opinions just don't have any value which impacts self esteem. If that happens enough, that's kind of what you, your brain is subconsciously telling yourself. It's like, you know, okay, like you're, you're just saying, all right, fine, you're going with it. You're not sharing your thoughts and expectations and you're not gaining more clarity. Eventually your, your confidence is going to take a hit because you're just going to reinforce the fact that, well, I don't deserve to know, or I don't deserve good things or I don't deserve that clarity.

Yeah.

And I think overall, again, it takes practice, constant practice, constant efforts, practice. But when you also share your wants and needs, you elevate that more. You give that a voice and you turn up the volume on that and then you, you clarify for yourself, like, okay, this is what I want, this is what I need. And the more you say it and speak it into existence, the louder that becomes and the more energy you can give it.

Right?

Like what you focus on expands. So it's like the more you do it and then the next conversation will be even easier. And then, you know, as you keep fine tuning it, you'll get better at articulating it and feeling confident sticking to it, you know, having your standards set.

I'm smiling so much right now because I'm like, yes, women, fire. We love it. This reminds me of a situation that just happened to me the other day. I just started dating again in Atlanta and this guy was taking me out and we were talking and he asked me out and I was driving towards him because he said he had stuff planned. And I was like, of course I can drive to you if you have things planned. Then he texted back and he was like, well, I don't really have things planned. It's just kind of walking around, don't get your expectations up. Haha. And I know for me, in that moment in the past, not communicating, I would just go along with it, go with the flow, be the chill girl. I've realized in the last couple years I'm not a chill girl at all. So I need to stop pretending like I am. Switch it up. But it was the first time that I just communicated with someone at the beginning of what's now not a relationship because the date did not go well, which is totally fine. It's just communicating and saying, hey, if I'm driving to you 45 minutes away, I would like for there's something to be planned. And again, if you're someone that doesn't want to do that, that's totally fine. But I just want to have my expectations and set those boundaries from the beginning. So what you said is amazing within that. I love that.

That's amazing. Good for you. And doesn't it make it easier to do that again next time? Yes.

I was so nervous doing it, and then I got this weird high after. I'm like, I feel like I could do this anytime I'm dating somebody. Moving forward. Yeah. I want to make sure that I'm communicating, setting boundaries and being really honest with myself because like you said, if I'm not putting that energy out there of what I want and what I des and communicating that, I'm gonna keep being in this cycle of getting things that I say that I don't want, but I'm getting because I'm not really properly making those actions towards that. So, yeah, I'm excited.

Right.

I wish me luck out here. It's hard in the dating world. I'm jealous you're married, but do your.

Thing in today's world. Just like app social media, like, yeah, I'm sure it's difficult. Marriage has its challenges too. Not every day is a cakewalk, but there's pros and cons to both. And enjoy. Enjoy this time. I mean, it's. It's. I'm sure it's a carefree time and enjoy it. New city. There's a lot out there for you.

Yes, we're gonna go crazy. We're gonna do it, but perfect. Last words of advice that you have for this person before we get into our next segment. Any last words that you want? You already gave some good advice about how they can meet them in a public place and kind of communicate that, but do you want to add anything on to that?

Don't be afraid. I would say, I know it may Seem so daunting and awkward and cringy to be like, hey, like, would you. We opened to just chatting on the phone for a little bit. I had some things I wanted to talk to you about or, you know, you mentioned hanging out more. Can we grab a coffee? I wanted to chat with you about that text that you sent. Like, put it out there. I mean, this person, you know, this guy already seems pretty genuine and upfront enough that he seems like he'd be willing to be. He'd be open to that and he's not going to run away from that. So, yeah, taking that first step to meet in person or talk on the phone can be so, so helpful versus just texting back and continuing this over text. So. And again, the more you do that, the easier it gets. So just give yourself the courage to. To do that and best of luck. I hope it's a good conversation and I hope you get what you want out of it too. So.

Yes, me too. That was perfect advice, Rael. Thank you so much. That was great. Okay, getting into our second advice segment of the day still about communication. This person wrote in and they said, I feel like I am a very honest person in which I tell people how I really feel about things and if they need to be held accountable for some of their bad behaviors, I expect my friends to do the same with me. Recently, however, a friend told me that I come off a bit abrasive and it's rubbed some people the wrong way. I love my friend for telling me this, but I don't want to hurt anyone. Moving forward, I want to always be honest with my friends and family, but how can I communicate with people without rubbing them the wrong way about things?

Things.

This is really great. And I first want to talk about just communication with friends and holding them accountable. I think that is one of the hardest things that you can do. It also shows that you're a really great friend. Obviously, if your friend is rubbing someone the wrong way, like in this example, if they're doing something sketchy, if they're not being a good friend, it's really important, I think, to communicate with your friends and hold them accountable. Just because if you can't really tell your friend how you feel about something, Honestly, I don't like how much of a friend is that. That's kind of my opinion on that. What do you think about. And obviously you just gave a perfect example of speaking to your friend about something that made you feel uncomfortable of whatever time ago. What do you just think about accountability within friendships? And communicating that to them as well.

Yes, yes. I can't recommend it enough. I think passive aggressiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, confusion. It's just. And I've been down that road, like, I say this because I've been down that road where I haven't said anything and have felt like these feelings starts harboring you. And it's just, you know, I just don't have time for that anymore. And it's not conducive to, I think, a healthy relationship and conversation. So I think it's important. And I think the idea or intention of this person is good and is the right intent is there. It's just maybe fine tuning their approach and how they say it. So we can dive into that.

Yes, we'll talk about how to do that. Because I definitely have had some friends that are very blunt and you're like, okay, there's a different delivery. I'm a sensitive person. We need to go into that. What is an example of some ways that an abrasive communicator may speak to others? Is it just blunt and rude? Like, what are some examples of an abrasive aggressive communicator?

Yeah, I mean, you statements, you know, like, you, you were late. Why were you late? You all. It's all about, you did this, you did that, you're acting this way. Those you statements, it puts someone off, you know, on guard. It makes someone defensive and makes them not want to hear what you're saying. Yeah, condescending statements like, don't you think that, you know, well, why are you dating that guy still, if he's hurt you this many times, like, you're being stupid or that, you know, what are you. What do you expect? Or no, no offense, but blah, blah, blah.

Oh, I hate that stuff. I'm like, triggered, please. Are those unhealthy ways of communicating? I don't know if you can put them in a box of, these are good ways to communicate, these are bad ways to communicate. I don't know if there's. There's a spectrum of that, but the examples that you even just gave are those things that you should avoid, obviously, when dealing with people that you love. In the example that you just gave. Yes. Why are you still with the guy that treated you like shit? You want the best for your friends, but probably not the best way to say that to someone who's obviously going through a heartbreak.

Shut down.

Right, right, exactly. So are those things that people should try to avoid when they're communicating with loved ones, family, friends, colleagues, even to.

I would say so. And yeah, it's too black and white to say this is good, this is bad. But I would say that you're going to have more productive results going a little bit softer. Yeah. And not using those. So that's really what it's about. I think that, you know, what we just mentioned is only going to make someone shut down, whereas can have someone listen and be more understanding or open to change with. With the opposite, you know, with using I statements saying, hey, I feel. I feel like I'm not a priority in your life when you're always late to meet up for lunch or you're late to our hangout. Yeah, I feel disrespected. Or I feel like you just don't care when I text you and you don't respond for three days. But then I see you active on Instagram.

Yeah. Like, what's going on with that? Yeah.

Right, right, right. So because you're. You're sharing the end result of that action, not just like that was the action why you're sharing that result of how it impacts you. And if it friend cares, they'll be like, oh, damn. Like, I didn't mean, you know, that was not my intention at all to make you feel like not a priority or not respected. Yes.

You're giving perfect examples of how people can go into this, which is so great too. I was gonna ask you for that already. That's perfect. I want to talk a little more about, again, modeling and families and seeing people that if you live in a traditional household, if you even have just guardians, that it may not be as traditional, but you spend a lot of time with growing up and how that can affect how you communicate. I know for me, I communicate a lot like my mom, which is. And if she's listening, I know she is. She's a fan. We love her. Which is not the best thing. My mom tends to hold a lot of things in and then she'll react really abrasively, honestly, and then will kind of come down from that and then communicate healthily afterwards. And I'm trying to just breathe, process things, not react so much and listen more. Something that is in my therapy for this year. We're working on it. So how much can family communication come into play? Have you seen this in your own story? Do you communicate a lot like one of your parents guardians, someone that you grew up with, or was that kind of your own path for you?

I guess a blend of both of my parents. Definitely. One thing I've learned over the years is is to not get so fired up right away, you know, and that's just, you know, a work in progress for me. Like, be mindful of raising my voice because that just. It gets me too amped up and doesn't do anything for anyone.

Yeah.

And it's like kind of a go to, but it shouldn't be. And I definitely don't want to portray that for my kid, potentially future kids down the line, like raising your boy and getting all angry like that. I really make an effort now to. To stay as calm as possible. My husband's very calm and mellow, so I really try to pull inspiration from him.

Yeah, it's good. Needed.

But you know, both of my parents really. I mean, I had a parent who was the more of the social butterfly, so I think I pull from some of that. But I think I do think that this, like, effort to be honest and open has been more of my own thing and communicative has been my own thing because again, both of my parents were divorced. They didn't always get along. I was really like, I was the only child and also kind of like the middle, the mediator in a way sometimes between them. So I, Yeah, like, grew up kind of young and learned early on that, like, communication and giving the benefit of the doubt and like, you know, being a little bit political or finessing both.

Sides is helpful and a part of that too. How do cultural differences within communication, I know in some cultures it's normalized to be very blunt and dis. Get right to the point. And then Americans, I think even are very. We're a little more sensitive in the way where you want to go around things and listen and not be so upfront and kind of in your face about it. Do you know about the cultural differences within communication as well?

Yes, yes. And that's interesting you say that because I think Americans are actually more blunt compared to other cultures and nationalities across the world.

Interesting.

Compared to Europeans, I think, who are a little more. Who are softer or like the. The Brits, I feel, who are more roundabout in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In their way.

Yeah.

They're speaking and asking for something. I think Americans are more on the blunt side of the scale. But I do think also with like, immigrant families and. And gender plays a big part of this too. But within immigrant families, like, women are usually taught, like, you know, to sweep things under the rug and to not be too abrasive or like, if your parents say something that you don't agree with, like, like you just. You respect your elders always that's it like? And, you know, I think there's of course, so much value to that, but I think there's ways of if you want to challenge, like an older person or say, hey, like, I know this worked for you, but it doesn't work for me. It's okay to say. And breaking some of those generational traditions is important.

I love that, though. Thank you for sharing. That was such great information, especially with the gender. We kind of talked about this as well. But again, women are viewed so much more differently than men when you are very confident in communicating things upward. Like, men are very businesslike and they're leaders and they're strong. And then women can be viewed as bitchy and aggressive. And it's definitely something that I want to change because it's obviously so unfair, but just need to again, start having conversations like this so people can begin to see the differences between that and why it's wrong to judge two different genders based on what they're doing. If it's the same exact thing too.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. Definitely.

And how can personality also play a role into this as well? Because with this person, I think I have a lot of family that are very blunt and in that they can definitely dish it out and also receive it. I am someone that can't. I'm a little more sensitive. I like to. Again, I'm working on. I'm very reactive sometimes. But when terms of people's feelings and how I feel, I really try to save their feelings even before I communicate how I feel sometimes, which I also know is not the healthiest thing in the world. So how can personality play a role into someone being able to receive abrasive communication better than others?

I mean, it's. It's huge. Some people are. They're very blunt by nature or just very extroverted. They don't take anything personally and they expect others not to take anything personally. And, you know, again, I think it's setting some expectations. If you are. Don't prefer that type of communication, saying, listen, I know bluntness really works for you, but it's not something I. I'm receptive to. It's not something I receive well. So in the future, like, if you can just pump the brakes a little bit and share what you want to share or even ask if I want to hear this right now.

I love that.

I love that. Yeah. And that was actually one piece of advice I wanted to say before too, which we can get back to. But yeah, just setting your expectations in a conversation, be like, look, I Know you don't mind when someone's blunt with you, and I love that. Good for you. But it would be helpful for me if you were a little more soft in your approach with me, you know? And then again, if it's someone who cares and is not selfish or just, like, open to that, they'll be like, all right, you know, I can change my approach a little bit. Your. Your audience matters, you know?

Yeah. Your audience is everything. That's who you're talking to. Yes, totally.

Totally.

Is there a difference between being honest and just rude? I've met people before that have communicated, well. I'm just honest. But really, I'm like, no, you're actually kind of just rude. Is there a difference between the two? How can you differentiate? Is the intention behind it? How can people really know?

Right. Yeah. Yes, I do think there's a difference. I do think people disguise rudeness, you know, slight digs in being honest or in jokes. And I think when someone says, well, I'm just being honest or I'm just joking, like that. Right. There is a red flag. There's ways of going about things, and I think calling it out is the best way to. To disarm that person a little bit. Be like, well, so, like, were you not being honest before? Like, what does. You know, you're just being honest, but, like, is that really the best way to go about it? Or someone's like, well, I was just joking. It's like, well, can you. What was funny? I don't understand the joke. Like, what was funny about. Where's the joke?

I don't see.

Right, right, right. And I know, again, I know that can be so hard and awkward because you're worried about the person's reaction and that they'll come even stronger, but a lot of the time they'll be taken aback that, like, you even kind of call them out on. On what they're doing.

Yeah.

And they might still be. Try to play it off and be like, oh, well, you just don't get the joke. Like, you know, you're being sensitive.

Yeah, right.

And you can say, like, no, I mean, I just. I want to understand. Like, they'll try to gaslight it. No, what was funny about that? Or like, you know, you say you're being honest, but is that really the best way to share what you wanted to share with me? Like, were you not being honest all the other times that we talked? Like, you know what I mean? And again, it can be tough, but the more you do it, the more it will Build it up. And the more it's like, people will understand, like, okay, can't mess with this person. Doesn't mean that you're raising your voice. It doesn't mean that you're looking for a fight. It's just like, no, she knows what's up, she or he. And they're gonna call me out if I'm being passive aggressive or kind of condescending or slipping in these, these rude digs, disguise jokes or positive advice, if you will.

I love that so much and so much of the self advocation, confidence is within that too. Really standing up for yourself and advocating for yourself so that person, like you said, knows that they cannot mess with you and disrespect you or you're gonna say something and then really they might be even feeling embarrassed that that's the way that they communicated upfront. So that's amazing. Raya, last words of advice for this person. How can this person change their delivery? Be less abrasive still, you know, maintain honesty with their friends and hold their friends accountable. I think that makes a great friend. But again, just changing their delivery up so they're not rubbing people the wrong way.

Yeah, yeah, definitely. And this, it goes back to what I was, I touched upon a little bit before. But sometimes asking someone if they want your advice or they want to hear your honest thoughts or opinions is a great buffer for situations where they feel like you come on too strong. Especially when it's like, you know, when it's something that's impacting you directly, then I think it's worth sharing. And you know, if you find value in your, the friendship, it's worth sharing. But if you want to critique or give 2 cents about something happening in a family member or friend's life that doesn't have anything to do with you, you know, it's helpful to say, hey, like, do you want my 2 cents? Or are you sharing this because you'd like to vet. Like that in and of itself is a great, like I said, great buffer and a great way to gauge where the person is at. Maybe they just, whatever your advice is, it might be so well meaning and it might save them from so much headache, but they might just not be ready to hear it. Right? Yes. In that moment. Just asking that I think can be so, so important in like not being as abrasive because you're, you're saying to them, like, are you prepared to hear this? Like, would you be open to hearing this? And if they say yes, like, okay, it's fair game again, you can't go in like totally ham and Right, right. Yell at going off.

Yeah.

At least they, they are preparing themselves for like, okay, maybe she or he's going to share something that I may not initially want to hear. And if they don't, then okay, you know, again, it's their life and this is specific to when it's not impacting you. If someone is doing something in their world, like and I've had this instance, I have younger siblings and again, as an older sibling I want to just right away be like, well, why don't you try this, why don't you try that? Maybe this is happening because of that. And sometimes people just, they don't, they don't necessarily want your advice, they don't want your suggestions. That's true. And just asking is huge. So saying like, you know, can I share, can I share a suggestion with you? Or like are you willing to hear my, my advice or not? And if they say no, that's okay, but I think that's big.

I love that. And that's honestly something that I need to work on too. I find myself sometimes giving my friends advice when sometimes they just may need to vent and just get everything out there. So that is so important and amazing and you're amazing. Rael, thank you so much for joining today. Please plug your site, your social media pages, everything so people can learn how to communicate healthily with friends, family and self advocate for themselves. Really that's something that I learned today how important that is. So please plug away.

Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. Jill. Yes, my Instagram, YouTube TikTok handle is at well with Rael spelled exactly how it sounds. My name is R A E L E and I have one on one coaching memberships and group coaching on my website. So you can book the group coaching classes or book a consultation or a one on one coaching membership. I have different price points for everyone for different schedules and budgets so I really try to accommodate people from all walks of life and I look forward to connecting with some of your listeners soon, hopefully.

Oh yes, thank you guys. Well you know where to check Raelle at. And of course guys we're to stream on license for more episodes with wonderful guests like Raelle today on Spotify, Apple music, we are literally everywhere. Apple podcast and of course our social media Instagram unlicense underscore advice and then TikTok unlicensed advice. But if you guys have any more questions let us know. If you want to send an advice like today head to that link in bio on my Instagram and we'll get an answer for you. See you next week.