Sexless Marriage... She Got Happier The Moment I Gave Up

So you stopped chasing your wife. You stopped pressuring her. You stopped hovering over her. You stopped reaching for that kiss. You stopped asking her, "What's wrong?" You stopped looking for constant reassurance from her. And all of this is in the hopes of maybe if you back off and you give her space and you give her some relief from all the pressure that you've been, you know, putting her under, that maybe she'll come around and maybe she'll have more energy for you guys. Well, for a lot of you, she did in fact get lighter, happier, more bubbly, more feminine, sweeter. Just not with you. So that's what we're going to talk about today. What happens when you stop trying so damn hard and your wife blossoms? She blooms right in front of you without you. So let's check out an email that I received from Tom today. And by the way, if you want to submit your own story, you can at deardso.com. And if it's a good one, I will create a video out of it, a podcast out of it for the whole world to watch and listen to. This one starts with Ralph Brewer Brewer. Been married for 16 years, 2 kids. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 11. I manage a distribution warehouse, so my hours are long and I'm tired a lot, but I always tried. For probably the last 4 years, the sex just dried up. Maybe a handful of times a year, and even then it felt like she was doing me a favor. I did the talks, I did the help more around the house, I did the plan the date night thing. Nothing worked. So about 8 months ago, I just quit. Stopped the little touches, stopped bringing it up. I figured, whatever, I'm done being the only one trying. Here is what happened. She got happier, like noticeably. She started going back to the gym. She reconnected with old friends. She got a part-time job at a boutique and she loves it. She is more pleasant to me than she has been in years. We get along great now, and I should be glad, right? But it wrecks me because I realize the The only thing standing between her and being happy this whole time was me wanting her. My wanting her was the problem. And now that I stopped, she's thriving. I don't even know what I'm asking you. I guess I just needed to say it to somebody who gets it. So first of all, thank you so very much for writing in. I really do appreciate it. I know that's really tough for a lot of dudes to be vulnerable. You know, it's tough for a lot of guys to talk about this kind of stuff. It's kind of embarrassing. So thanks a bunch. But as you probably know from watching my stuff, dude, you are not alone. So first of all, I know where your head is going in all this, and that's where a lot of guys go, a lot of very codependent type of guys. They go with the idea of, okay, so I remove my desire for her, my very outward, obvious desire for her, and she improves. She's happier. The relationship, so to speak, at least one aspect of it is better. You're friendlier to each other. The tension is kind of gone from the marriage and from the household. So therefore, you know, it doesn't take long to come to the conclusion of my desire was bad. No, dude, your desire was fine. It was healthy. It was normal. What you're feeling, it's just basically a big fat lie. Here is, by my estimation, what's actually going on in your relationship. For years, there was a question that was kind of hanging in the air in your household, and that was, do you want me? The problem is you were the only one asking that question. Every day that you reached for her and she didn't reciprocate and she didn't show like, yes, you are wanted. Yes, you are desired. Yes, I want you and I love you. Every day she didn't do that. That was a weight that you had to carry on your shoulders. And it's this constant hum of, I guess you could say, anxiety or stress or tension is probably the best word, in the household. And she felt it. So there was this giant spotlight on the issue here that you two are so wildly disconnected in that way. And so when you removed that tension, that spotlight was removed and, ah, we can, you know, concentrate on something else for once. So again, it's not proof that you're too much. It's proof that you were the only one trying to stay connected in this relationship. The second thing I'm going to say you don't want to hear, but you need to hear, brother. All right. And that is this. She ain't coming back, man. Look at what your wife did the second you stopped pursuing her. The second you let the leash go a little bit, she blossomed as an individual. She objectively improved in a lot of different ways. You know, physically going to the gym and getting the job and the friends and all that stuff. She became an objectively better overall person when that part of her life was removed. A person who flourishes like this and stays so obviously disconnected from you still in that way is not a person who's suddenly going to turn around and go, shit, what was I thinking? Let's get this romance on the road. Dude, it's not going to happen. She is a woman who has left the marriage in every way that counts, especially to you. She just hasn't moved out of the house. I know you hate hearing this. I know you think, or you're hoping rather, that this is just some kind of rough patch, something that you can get through. Maybe you guys can go to counseling. Maybe you can, you know, fill in the blank with some other form of reaching out to her and seeking some kind of reassurance and trying to rebuild. This is the last straw. You see where you're at right now in your relationship, where you're two people living these parallel lives. Her life right now does not involve you in any romantic sense at all. So the sooner you stop waiting for her return, the sooner you can work on building a life going forward and stop looking back and stop wasting another day of your very precious, very short life, my man. Now, some of you out there watching this or listening to this on the podcast, you're kind of jumping ahead 19 steps. And what you're saying is, all right, I'm just going to pull ahead even further. I'm going to show her she doesn't need me. I don't need her either. While some of you may frame that in the form of kind of punishing her, What you're doing basically is you're still holding on hope that she's going to turn around. It's like the little kid who runs away from mom saying, "I hate you, mom." And then he's always looking over his shoulder going, "Are you watching me or not?" That's kind of the energy you're putting out there. And dude, let me save you all the time. It ain't going to work. When a frustrated, anxiously attached husband stops chasing an avoidant wife, she doesn't feel it as a punishment. She feels it as relief. She is glad that you are off of her back. You backing off is quietly what she has been hoping for all along. You are not punishing her. All you guys that are going to crank up the disconnection, you're not punishing the woman. You're giving her exactly what she wants. You are doing her a favor and you are calling it revenge. And a lot of you going through this, you feel very alone in all this. Like, it seems like all my coworkers and their spouses are doing just fine. They're all flourishing. And here I am. I haven't touched my wife in so many years. I finally backed off. She's— we're living these two parallel lives. What the eff? Dude, you're not alone. In fact, if I may, I'm going to promote our Brotherhood group here. Guys, check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Hundreds of men from around the world in private discussion forums, live Zoom meetings with myself and other guys on the team. We have courses, we have one-on-one coaching, all my books at no additional charge. Right now we have almost 2,000 hours of audio content for our members and we add to it every single week. Week. So guys, check it out, the Brotherhood at help4men.com. Now, in all these situations, all these little difficult life situations, there is always something to learn. And this may sound ironic, there's something to learn from your wife. She's going to the gym. She went and got a new job. She's reconnecting with friends. Your wife just showed you step by step how to be a better dude. This is what a person does when they decide to build a life around themselves. Now, a lot of guys hearing me say that say that sounds very selfish. It sounds very narcissistic, like you're supposed to sacrifice yourself for your family and your spouse. Yeah, I get it. But at the same time, dude, you can't forget about you. That's what so many guys that I work with do. They just completely forget about themselves. And then when it all crumbles, they're left alone and they don't know who the hell they are. They don't know what they like. They don't know what they want to do. They don't know what direction, what mission, whatever. They don't have any friends. That's not good. And that's what your wife is exemplifying here. She finally woke up because you stopped hovering, you stopped pressuring and all that horrible stuff. And she's like, now that I have room to breathe, the fog is lifted. And she's looking around going, you know what I need to do? I need to go contact Mary again. I haven't talked to her forever. And I'm going to go talk to that one boutique. They have a help wanted sign in the window. Why can't I do that? I got hours that I can, you know, make some extra money here. And I'm tired of being, you know, 20 pounds overweight. Let's hit the gym. And, you know, kudos to her, man. But guess what? You can do the same thing. In fact, you should, like, starting today. So step 1, you already covered. You stopped reaching for her for her reassurance and you stopped pestering her. Great. So now let's take all that energy that you used to, you know, use to pursue her and let's redirect it to yourself following Ironically, your wife's lead, your body, your money, your posture, the way you carry yourself, the father that your children see across the dinner table. Now, I wanna hammer this into your head. You're not going to do all of this to win back your wife. Please stop with that nonsense. That door is closed, okay? Now it's time to use that energy on yourself because dude, you deserve it. A lot of you guys out there, you need to hear that again. Yeah, you deserve that bit of selfishness to work on yourself. A lot of you do not like yourselves at all. That's why you put yourselves in these positions with these women. That's why you stick around even when the woman's like, dude, back off, back off, back off. And then you do back off and you watch them flourish. All the signs are there, man. Take the poor woman off of the pedestal, the one that she never asked to be put up on in the first place. Put yourself up there, dude. You are the prize now. All right, buddy. You just got to believe it. There are men out there, same age as you, same weight as you, same education, same money. And you ask them like, how's life going? How's your relationships and everything else? And they just say, amazing. What do they have that you don't have? I just said it's not more money. It's not more looks. You know what they have? Mindset. They just say to themselves and to the world, this is what I will not put up with. This is what I expect out of those around me. This is what I'm going to do for myself, and they do it. So dude, let's look at where you are really standing right now in life. You are at a very real crossroad moment. You've got a wife who is thriving without you. That door to the relationship as you want it is closed. That's the ground that you're standing on right now. Let's just stop bullshitting. So the crossroad is road number 1: you stay in the current situation that you're in now. You stay for the kids. You stay in this kind of friend state with the wife, you know, both living under the same roof, but obviously not really married in any way. And you're living on your terms, so to speak. You're not orbiting around her, as they say. You're not always pressuring her for reassurance. You let her do her thing and you do your thing, basically. Road number 2 basically is you going to her, you know, and shake hands and say, we both know this ain't working anymore. Took me a while to get to that realization. I see everything that you're doing. Kudos to you. But I think we need to go our separate ways. And you may be surprised when she says, shoo, I was wondering what took you so long. Yeah, a lot of the time the ladies don't want to be the bad guy. They don't want to be the one to pull the trigger. They're waiting for you to be the bad guy. Go ahead and play that role. That's fine. And with that path, you are no longer pretending. You're not playing the role of a happy couple because you're not one. Nothing says you can't be friends. Nothing says you can't still hold love in your heart somewhere for her as the mother to your children and your ex-wife, but romantically, the writing's been on the wall for some time now. It's time to let her go. But back to the crossroad, whichever direction you take starts with the same premise, which is becoming a new man, the new man that you deserve. And both paths don't involve bringing her back into the fold as your loving wife. And that's not a sad thing. That's a very freeing thing. For 16 years, you stayed in a marriage where the marriage came first as the institution, so to speak, and you, dude, you came last. And that ends today. Okay, so let's summarize all of this. The moment that you disconnected from her, so to speak, stopped pursuing her, and you watched her flourish, that probably really, really hurt, understandably. But in hindsight, you'll realize this was one of the most useful things that has ever happened to you. This shift in her has finally exposed the truth. She is gone, and she is a better person because of it. The irony is, so are you. You just don't know it yet, but in time you will. All right, brother, thank you so much for writing in. And guys, thank you so much for watching. I do appreciate it, and we'll catch you on the next one.