Sexless Marriage… She Says the Experts Agree With Her, Not You

Your wife cut you off, and this may have been months ago, or for some of you poor guys, years ago. And when you finally work up the nerve to bring it up to her and say just how horribly terrible this situation is, she calmly looks at you and she says what? She says, dude, you need to do some more research. She says the experts have spoken on the matter, and some of the happiest couples in the world are in fact sexless. Removing sex from the table, so to speak, made the relationship less stressful. It allowed them to be a more wholesome couple focusing on things that are more important. And that you, Mr. Husband, are the one that is stuck in this weird patriarchal past. And so you're left thinking, this it? Is this my life from now on? Is a man supposed to just sit in a dead bedroom relationship and be thankful for the privilege? Are you supposed to just sit there in silence suffering because some dumb influencer on YouTube or TikTok or wherever the hell she saw this says that that's quote normal. Let's talk about it. I got an email from a guy named Jim, and by the way, if you wanna submit your own story to me, you can do so at deardso.com. Fill out the form, and if your story's a good one, I will create a video out of it or audio for the podcast listeners to listen to on the Dad Starting Over podcast. And while you're at it, if you could gimme a like, gimme a share, gimme a subscribe, a follow, however it works, wherever you are watching or listening to this, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so very much. Now on to today's email. He says, Ralph Brewer, I don't even know where to start with this one. Been married for 14 years. Two boys, 11 and 8. Let me pause there. The 14-year thing, two-kid thing. How many times have we heard this? Just food for thought. But he says, the sex basically stopped after our second was born and never really came back. Maybe a handful of times a year if I'm lucky, and even then, it feels like she's doing me a favor. I finally brought it up again a few weeks ago. I was calm and not angry. I really tried. And she hits me with this thing that she heard on some podcast. She says relationship experts are saying now that sex isn't actually that important and couples who stop having it are sometimes happier and more connected. She said the healthiest couples that she knows are the ones who stopped making sex the center of everything. So now I'm the problem again. I'm the one who can't let go of an outdated idea of marriage. She's got the studies. She's got the experts. She even sent me an article. And here I am feeling like a creep for wanting my own wife. The worst part is part of me almost believes her. Like maybe I am broken for needing this. Maybe a good husband would just be grateful for everything else that we have. We do have a nice life, but I go to bed every night feeling completely alone next to her and I don't know how much longer I can do this. Am I wrong here? Is she right? Should I just accept it? Be a man about it? Thanks for everything that you do. Okay, let's get this out of the way. Are you weird? Are you abnormal? Is she the right one and you're the wrong one? No, no, you are not stuck in some outdated patriarchal whatever nonsense horseshit word insert here, you know, concept of marriage. You are a husband who loves and desires his wife. That, my friend, is not only normal, it's like one of the most beautiful things on the planet Earth. So let's pick this apart, shall we? No, she's probably not making this up. Hell, she showed you the articles and the links and so forth. This is a real sentiment that is out there, and therefore there is just enough truth in all of this to make you doubt yourself. So that's why this whole concept is really dangerous when it comes to your marriage. Number 1, your wife omitted one really important word here, or one important concept. The sexless marriage is a healthy, dare I say, normal thing that you can live with if both people are perfectly okay with it. That's it, dude. That little word "both" is what she omitted. Two people on the same page, completely content with their life, moving forward without the physical intimacy. Cool. If they're both good with it, who the hell am I to say that they're weird or that they should be thinking otherwise? God bless them. I wish them all the best. But that, my friend, is not you. You are freaking miserable. If you're like most guys that I talk to, you are bordering on depressed, if not clinically depressed already. You are going to bed basically alone next to the woman you married so many years ago. Go. That's not healthy. That's not normal. I don't care what anybody tells you. So this whole concept does not apply to you, period. She took a whole concept of two happy people, you know, agreeing on a certain dynamic in a relationship, and she applied it to you guys where it's just one person agreeing to said dynamic. That's a bunch of bullshit. Any real expert on the matter, therapist, psychologist, of which I'm not, but if you were to ask any of them and tell them about this situation where you say, here's Jim, he really wants physical intimacy. Here's wife saying, buzz off. And she's telling him it's perfectly normal to be sexless. They would all tell you the same thing. Oh no, that's really unhealthy, dude. So she basically reframed the entire situation. And let's see, what did that reframe accomplish? Well, what it accomplished is it took a situation where there was two people that need to put in some work or need to realize, you know, the unhealthiness of the relationship or whatever. She went from two people to one person. And that one person is you. That is one of the oldest moves in the book. Take a situation where two people need to put in the work and say, nope, I don't, you do, and done. For some people, the whole, you know, this is the way it should be is framed as this is what all my friends say. All my friends say they live in a similar relationship, so therefore it is normal. Now these people are armed with here's what this podcast says, here's what this expert says, look at this article, look at this website. Look at this social media, you know, video link. All of this outside influence is far more convincing because with their friends, you could just write it off as, well, it's just a friend group, they're all a bunch of unsexy women, that's why they're all friends with each other. But now you have an outsider with a podcast with millions of viewers and listeners, YouTube channel, and an article, and holy shit. So all of these articles and studies and social media videos and so forth give her a new level of what? Certainty. And now that gives you a new level of what? Uncertainty. And maybe you're, you're sitting there thinking like, maybe I am the dickhead. And dude, again, no, you're not. There's a saying I believe it was Shakespeare basically saying like, "Doth does protest too much," or something like that. The fact that she is, you know, showing you article after article and video and so forth shows that deep down she knows that this is an unhealthy dynamic that you have, and she's trying to overly convince you otherwise. If she knew deep down inside that this is just a normal thing and you're a real weirdo about it, she would just say, "This is the way it is, done." But no, she keeps campaigning to convince you otherwise. This reframing of hers, it's like she's hiding behind a wall. It's like a suit of armor that she has on. And as long long as she can keep that armor on and keep you away, she doesn't have to face the real issue that is lurking under the surface here. This isn't necessarily just about the old libido and it's just that simple. That's all there is to it. As I've said a million times, guys, and as I said in my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, sexlessness in a relationship is the canary in the coal mine. It's an indicator of really not so good things going on in the relationship. It's the symptom. It's the smoke. The fire is deep down in there somewhere, somewhere along the way, the dynamic between the two of you changed. Or maybe for some of you unlucky bastards, it was always kind of this way and you just never faced it until now. And to face that uncomfortability, to face that big ugly elephant in the room, boy, that's painful. That's really tough. It's way easier to put up these walls, to reframe everything and to say, you dude, you're the problem. Shoo. And she can just wipe her brow and say, I'm outta here with her reframe. There is nothing on her end to fix because quite frankly, in her mind, there is nothing wrong. That story protects her and it costs you, Jim, and others everything. So what the hell do you do about it? Number 1, you stop arguing. I mean it, dude. Stop trying to out-fact her. Stop trying to out-cite her. You know, she comes to you with 3 articles and you come to her with 4 and just cut it out because stop and remove yourself from the situation. Look at this, you know, 30-foot level. Look down at yourself. You are a grown man trying to convince your wife to touch you again. You are using research and studies and everything else. And my videos, I've heard a lot of guys say that I showed your videos to my wife, you know, trying to convince her like, you know, you're supposed to want me in that way. Dude, there's nothing on the planet Earth that is going to turn her off anymore. Just drop it completely. Stop making the argument. Cut it out. Instead, you know this is coming if you've watched my videos and read my material before, concentrate on literally the only thing that you can work on, the only thing that you can fix, the only thing that you can improve is, drum roll, you. I know working on you and your own sense of security and everything else, it's not as satisfying as that aha moment of getting back at her and proving her wrong. When she comes to you with this little fact, you come back with, not so fast, let me show you how you're wrong. And aha. But guess what, dude? Where's that getting you? Exactly. But if there is hope of reconnecting you two, it is in building respect between the two of you. And a guy who spends, you know, so many hours, days, weeks, or whatever, you know, building a case against her and why she should have sexual desire for him and everything else, you're not going to earn the respect doing that. What you're going to earn respect is the guy who sits back, message received, and works on himself. That is a guy that garners a lot of respect. And if you're not quite sure where to start in this whole process of rebuilding yourself and becoming a more secure man, and detaching from that, that need to prove to her that she's wrong and that need to prove that, you know, she's supposed to want you and everything else. Like, where do you begin with all of this? Well, if I may be so bold, a couple of resources for you. Number one is the book I wrote that I mentioned earlier, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and you can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com. We also have an app to go along with that. It's called the Dead Bedroom Fix app, and you can learn more at deadbedroomfixapp.com. It gives you those little daily exercises and daily reminders and what to do and what not to do as you go through this process of becoming a more secure man and possibly repairing the disconnection between the two of you. And the ultimate resource that we have for men, if you want to go beyond books and apps and so forth, check out the brotherhood at help4men.com or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world all working on the same thing, how to become a more secure man, a better man. We have a lot of men working on their marriages, trying to make it better. A lot of men who are divorced, men that have no luck in the relationship realm. All of us working together to do better. Live meetings, private forums, coaching courses, all my books at no additional charge. We get together in person. Again, check it out, thebrotherhoodathelpformen.com. Now let's bring this right back around where we started, shall we? Your wife telling you that, hey, not having sex is perfectly healthy and normal, it's not necessarily a verdict on your marriage. It's a move in the game, if you will. And it's not a more enlightened move. It's not a more educated move. It's a very comfortable and convenient story that allows her to not face the big ugly elephant in the room. The old accountability. The thing that says, sister, you got some issues you need to work on if you want to save your marriage and keep this hubby around. All these experts that she is citing, I bet you if you sat them down and said, here's that dynamic between my wife and I, they would say, oh no, that's not what we meant. We meant both of you supposed to be on the same page. Wife, this isn't good. So no, you, Jim and others, you don't accept this. You don't man up and, you know, join this whole celibate life, whatever. No, that's not being a man. That's just slowly disappearing. In being a man, you stop begging, you stop arguing, and you work on your own damn self. And again, if you want a full breakdown on what to do, check out the book, The Dead Bedroom Fix. Check out the app, The Dead Bedroom Fix app, and check out the Brotherhood at help4men.com. We have a lot of guys, myself included, standing by to help you. All you got to do is raise your hand. We're here for you, brother. All right, guys, thank you so very much for joining me. I do appreciate it. We'll catch you on the next one.