Sexless Marriage… Why Her "Duty Sex" Is Destroying Your Self-Esteem

Let me ask you something and be honest with me, okay? When is the last time that you can say definitely that your wife really wanted you? She really desired you, not just going through the motions, not just checking a box like it was, you know, some chore around the house or whatever, that she genuinely wanted you in a really sexy, lustful way. Dead bedroom situations aren't necessarily completely sexless. They actually get some. For some guys, it's like once a month. Once every few months, it is just enough what? To keep him satiated, to keep him from going out the door, to keep him from pouting and making a real fuss to the wife. And almost every one of these guys says the same thing. Hey, I mean, at least it's something. I'm here to tell you that the something, it's not good, dude. And I'm not being melodramatic here. This whole duty sex thing, this pity sex, let's get it over with. We have 10 minutes before the kids get home sex. It's doing probably more damage than you think it is. And in fact, this pity sex, this duty sex, is killing the one thing that you need more than anything else in order to turn this relationship around and get it to a point that you want. So let's talk about it, shall we? But first of all, my name is Ralph Brewer Brewer Brewer. For those that don't know, I've been doing a lot of work under the Dad Starting Over name for over a decade now. I have a men's group. You can learn more at help4men.com. And I've written a book about sexless marriages. That's why I have so many videos on the topic, because as far as YouTube and other social media platforms are concerned, this is the number one topic that men like to talk about. So for you guys that are in this position of, you know, sexless marriage, dead bedroom, not quite sure if it's bad enough yet, you're at a very real crossroad moment in your life, whether you know it or not. Now let's check out an email that I got from a guy calling himself Randy. This one came in last week. He says, Ralph, I'm 51 and we just hit 24 years of marriage. Both of our kids are grown and the youngest moved out this past spring. So now it is just me and her in the house. I always figured once the kids were gone, we'd finally have time for each other again and reconnect. Heard that one quite a bit. Honestly, it's worse. We have sex maybe 3 or 4 times a year now. And when we do, it's like she is doing me a favor. She kind of sighs before, like, okay, let's get this done. Last time she patted me on the chest after, like, "Good job, buddy." I'm an electrician, so I'm dead tired most nights too. I get that we're both worn out, but it's not about being tired. She's just not there. The house is so quiet now, and it makes the whole thing louder somehow, like there's nowhere to hide from it. I keep telling myself, "At least we still do it. At least it's not totally dead," but I don't even believe that anymore. What's wrong with me that I keep taking this and acting grateful for it. Is this just how it ends? So I think the big line to concentrate on here from Randy's email is, what's wrong with me that I keep taking this and acting grateful for it? Well, brother, there's nothing wrong with you necessarily for wanting it. I mean, you're a human being, a guy who's still with a healthy libido. In my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, and you can learn more at deadbedroomfix.com, I have a whole section devoted to this concept of pity sex. When the wife offers you sex and it's obvious it is out of obligation, she really doesn't want to do it. She's not really there. For more socially aware guys, guys that have some relationship experience, you really don't need much experience. You should recognize that right away. I mean, the body language, the verbal, actual language coming out of her mouth, everything says homegirl's just not into it. Real intimacy between two people, that happens when two people are, you know, really into it. And obviously your wife in this case is not. What you're doing is conducting a transaction. She notices that you are getting extra cranky, pouty. Maybe you verbally said like, it's been a while, it's been a while, it's been a while. And she just rolls her eyes and says, okay, dude, fine, whatever. We got 10 minutes. Let's go. In that moment, you are not her man. You are a chore. You're right there on the list with do the dishes, take the trash out, clean the cat box. And it absolutely positively leaves you feeling worse than you did before because you, your body, your brain, everything says, you're a chore, you're a thing on the checklist. You're not the thing she desires. You are not the thing that she is at an intimate level bonded with. And that little pat on the chest afterward, that little, hey, good job, buddy. That's like receipt at the end of the transaction. And when you stack like, you know, potentially dozens of those over a period of years, dude, that takes its toll on a man. If she were to say no, at least that leaves, you know, some dignity there. But pity sex takes that dignity and cashes it in. You now become a participant in the whole broken thing, and that's why it hurts so much. Second thing I want to talk about is the whole, hey, at least I'm getting something, it's not totally dead. That's in a way just a complete and utter lie. I mean, you know it, and Randy even says it here. I don't even know if I believe that anymore. Good, because it's not true. And I understand why men kind of cling to that notion of, hey, at least I'm getting some, because it shows that you're a patient, understanding man. You're not overly demanding. You're just hanging on to what's left there. You're the mature, you know, partner. Here's the hard part in all this. Every time you accept the old pity sex, you know, where she's staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles on the ceiling and waiting for the moment to be over and the pat on the chest and all that stuff. Every time you accept that, you are training yourself to expect less and less out of the relationship. You are quietly resetting your own personal standard downward. That's not good. You are teaching your nervous system that this is what you are worth. You are worth crumbs from a woman who would rather be doing anything else than what she's doing in that moment. I talk a lot in my work about the external validation is like trying to fill a bucket with a hole at the bottom of it. You keep pouring approval in and it just keeps leaking out the bottom. No matter how much you put in there, it never fills up. That's what that pity sex is in essence. It gives you a little bit of drop of some validation there and then it just keeps leaking out the bottom and you never feel quite right. And it actually makes you in the end feel emptier than what you were before because in your heart of hearts, you know, that wasn't it, man. That wasn't real. That something is not better than nothing when that something keeps confirming your worst fear about yourself and about the relationship. So why does this whole pity sex thing hurt so damn much? Why does it kill our self-esteem as men? With a real man, I know that's a subjective term, but in my mind and in my writing and the work that I do, A real man's sense of worth comes from inside, his sense of values, his integrity, his actions, the way he carries himself. But you know what? A lot of the men that I work with, and most of the men that I work with, were not raised that way. What they learned was that your sense of worth comes from that outside validation. And there is nothing more potent as far as outside validation is concerned than the love and appreciation of a woman. So when that desire from our partner very obviously disappears, It leaves a void within us. And that void is filled, unfortunately, by a lot of negative talk. We think that because that external validation is gone, because our source of worth basically says, "Don't want you anymore," we think we are worthless. You start thinking, "What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm getting old. I'm getting ugly, getting fat, getting whatever it may be," right? Or as David in his email said here, "What's wrong with me that I keep taking this?" And the poor guy's been telling himself for years, and once these kids get out of the house, then the wife and I are going to reconnect and it'll be great. And it's just dead, as he says, that there's a silence and a silence between the two of them emotionally. It's just really hard to deal with. And again, as I say in all my videos, I want to get this out of the way. Dude, you are not weird. You are not needy. You are not whatever for wanting your wife, for loving your wife, for being with a wife for over two decades now and still having a real need for intimacy between the two of you. That doesn't make you an oddball in all of this. What it makes you is a healthy human being. But what this pity sex thing does is it takes this very normal, healthy need for physical connection between you and your wife, and it is met with indifference. And that indifference makes you say, maybe my need is weird. Maybe my need is wrong. Maybe my need is needy because you know what? I am barely worth her effort. And when you got a man who walks around thinking that I am barely worth the effort of the person I love more than anyone else on the planet, he slowly but surely shrinks. And then you're caught in this vicious circle because the man, when he shrinks, gets quieter, he gets grumpier, maybe he starts getting angry, he starts snapping at people, and he stops leading in the home. You know, why bother? Nobody respects me. My wife doesn't respect me. So when she doesn't respect me and want me, then to hell with everybody else, to hell with trying to lead and protect. And he just becomes a real shell of himself. And he becomes sometimes like a couch potato and doesn't do much of anything. Externally, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, when they look at him, They're probably thinking like, you know, David's okay. Like he, he does his work just fine. His adult kids call and they say, you know, how's dad doing? He talks in a chipper way. Everything's cool, right? This is a really common phenomenon. It's like at work you're the king, but at home you're a little scared little boy. I want to stop right here for a second because if this is hitting home for you, dude, you are not alone. Not by a long shot. I have a group of men, hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world, and we get together online. We get together in person, all kinds of cool stuff. And it is called The Brotherhood. And we all help each other out with a lot of this really important, tough stuff. I mean, who are you going to talk to about this? Your wife? No. Your buddy? He probably, you know, wants to talk about football and everything else. But what if you had dedicated forums and live face-to-face Zoom meetings, so to speak, and in-person conferences and all kinds of audio resources and everything? Well, you do, and we call it the Brotherhood at help4men.com/join. All right, let's move on because I think in this next part we're going to talk about kind of turning things around. The first move in all of this is the hardest. It's a complete mind shift. It's where you go from, what the hell's wrong with me? To, what the hell am I going to do now? Two completely different questions that lead down two completely different paths. You're at a crossroads, buddy. That number one, like, woe is me, what the hell's wrong with me? Why doesn't anybody love me? Why doesn't my wife love me? That leads you down the path of what? Victimhood. And as I've talked about in plenty of videos and a lot of my material, Victimhood is very contagious. Once you go down that road, man, it's hard to recover from it. Next thing you know, you're ruminating 24/7 about things that are out of your control. You're going online and talking to other guys who are victims, and you're just trying to out-victim each other. The second path, the one that obviously I recommend, is one of ownership. This ownership puts the control right back in your hands. Now, I want to clarify something. Owning it, taking ultimate ownership of something, does not mean It's all my fault. It's all the man's fault. No, cut that shit out. What I'm saying is, dude, hammer this into your head. You are only responsible for drum roll. You. You are not responsible for the opinions, the choices, the actions of your spouse. She's a big girl. Leave her the hell alone. You could stay up all night asking yourself, why doesn't she want me like she used to want me? Dude, it could be 100 different reasons, to be honest with you. And some of those reasons have absolutely nothing to do with you as a man. It could be just age and years and resentment and she's tired and she's stressed and she's sick and the kids and whatever, right? Who knows, dude? And guess what? Who gives a shit? I know it sounds really flippant and it sounds cold, but if you want to get better and subsequently increase the chances of you two getting better, potentially, you need to start taking a closer look at yourself. You don't work on yourself by trying to crack the code of her behavior. And be hovering over her wondering what to do next and how to win mommy, I mean your wife's approval. You become the man that you want to be by becoming the guy who doesn't accept that little pat on the chest and call it love. And the most important point of this entire video, I know some people seem to think I'm a little long-winded. Sorry, guys. Here's the point, right? You ready? You stop accepting pity sex. Wife, you better really want me or else, damn it. No, it means that you, first of all, quietly decide internally what you will and will not accept as a spouse. And you need to tell yourself that you are done trading in your dignity for just a few minutes of checking a box just so you can feel less alone in the house for a whopping 4 minutes. When you stop chasing her and chasing that love and affection that you want so badly— by the way, you're not weird for wanting that— when you stop chasing her and when you stop accepting the little crumbs of affection, something powerful happens. Because Randy, for 24 years, you've been carrying all of this, dude. And now finally you say, I'm not going to carry it all anymore. The second you set it down, so to speak, is the moment that all that tension that you've been absorbing over the years is no longer yours alone to hold. And that allows you to do what? It allows you to rebuild into the man that you deserve to be. You get your body back. Yes, it's important. You get your purpose back, your mission as a man. You've been given a gift, whether you know it or not. The kids are grown and out of the house. The slate is wiped clean. You got a lot of time, energy to devote to yourself. The world is your oyster, my friend. Reconnect with friends, you know, rekindle some of those old passions and hobbies that you had. You make life decisions that are based on your values as opposed to What will make my wife happy? What will make my wife want me again in 3, 4 weeks from now for another 4 minutes? You quietly stop being the man that she can take for granted and you become the guy that she cannot ignore. This, gentlemen, is the real fix. It's not the bargaining. It's not the begging. It's becoming a man who is genuinely attractive because he what? He loves himself again. He respects himself again. So am I saying this will magically fix your marriage? For some of you, Yeah. Ideally what happens is the wife says something's different about you, your mannerisms, the way you're not accepting pity sex. That usually is a huge wake-up call when the man says, no thanks, I'll just wait until we're both into it or whatever. That often is the wake-up call of, oh, I've often likened this to when a relationship is in a real stalemate. It's like a big giant boulder, this big, like a movable, super heavy, multi-ton boulder. And it takes a lot of inertia, a lot of force to get it moving just an inch. But once it moves an inch, You know, it slowly starts to roll and rolls downhill and you get momentum going, right? Often that initial push is in the form of a guy saying, enough's enough. I'm not doing this shit anymore. So again, for some of you, desire can come back when you become the guy that is deserving of such desire. But here is the honest part. For many of you, no, it will not fix your marriage. Sorry. There is a myriad of reasons why. Maybe she just checked out years ago. Maybe she's cheating on you. I know a lot of guys jump right to that. No, that's a minority of cases, but it happens. Maybe she is getting older, she's menopausal and she has zero desire to work on it through medical treatment or whatever it may be. She's just done. And if that's the case, cool. You wish her all the best and you move on. This is better than being stuck in this dead house for another 10 years of your precious life that you will not get back. Either way, dude, put in the work because it's a win-win. She either rises to meet the man that you are becoming or she is revealed for who she truly is. And you see the state of the marriage for what it truly is. So let's bring this back to Randy's email here where he asks, is this just how it ends? No, brother, this is not just how it ends unless you steer it in that direction. And no, you do not owe anybody gratitude for being tolerated. Gratitude is for things given freely and with love. A sigh and the pat on the chest a few times a year, that ain't it. It's just a very cold transaction and it is costing you a piece of yourself one little moment at a time. So cut that shit out. You are not pathetic for wanting your wife to want you. You're a human being. You're not broken. You're not weird. Insert whatever adjective here. You're a healthy male. You are a healthy male that is standing at a very important crossroad moment in your life. So what you gonna do about it, amigo? And again, if you're a guy who's watching this and you're like, this really hits home, you're gonna love my book, The Dead Bedroom Fix, where I talk about all of this., and as far as I am concerned in my years of working with men, what I think you need to do to kind of turn the situation around for yourself. So check it out at deadbedroomfix.com. And again, check out the brotherhood at help4men.com/join. You have exactly one life. Stop wasting it in a house feeling all alone. So once again, guys, thank you so very much for watching. I do appreciate it, and we will catch you on the next one.