Sexless Marriage… She Said She'd Rather Get a Divorce Than Have Sex With Me Again
In this monologue, Ralph Brewer responds to an email from a listener named John, who recounts his wife’s blunt statement that she would rather get a divorce than have sex with him again. Brewer validates John’s feelings, then delves into why such a harsh declaration often signals deeper, long‑standing relational decay. He argues that respect is the core driver of sexual intimacy; when a wife’s respect erodes, her body “keeps score” and sexual desire wanes. Brewer identifies common patterns that lead to this point: passive, “eggshell‑walking” behavior, avoidance of conflict, and the habit of “moving the goalposts” – continually shifting expectations without resolution. He stresses that remaining passive is a disease, not a cure, and that a decisive timeout and honest conversation are required. The core remedy he proposes is self‑improvement: focusing on what the man can control, seeking external help, and joining a community of men (the Brotherhood at help4men.com) for accountability and guidance. He also outlines broader contributors such as stress, health changes, weight gain, and loss of attraction, but maintains that these do not excuse the wife’s cruelty. The talk ends with a call for listeners to share similar experiences and a reminder that confronting the issue, rather than silently enduring it, is essential for personal growth and possibly salvaging the relationship.
Chapters
If your wife told you that she would rather get a divorce than ever have sex with you again, how are you supposed to respond to that? Are you supposed to just sit there and take it? You just supposed to say, oh well, I guess that's something I carry mentally with me for the rest of my life. I'll just go with the flow and keep on with the relationship. You supposed to tell yourself, well, she didn't really mean it. She's having one of those days. It's that time of the month, as a lot of guys say. Well, check out this email that I got from a guy. We'll call him John. He says, we were arguing about the same thing we always argue about. Money, the kids, who does more, normal stuff. I don't even remember how we got there, but at some point I said something about we never sleep together anymore, how it's almost been a year, and I just wanted to know if this was ever going to change. She didn't yell. She got real quiet and looked at me and said, calm as anything, that she would rather get divorced than have sex with me again. And then she went back to loading the dishwasher. I stood there in the kitchen like an idiot. I think I said, okay. I think that's the word that came out of my mouth. Okay. That was 3 weeks ago. We haven't talked about it. We're still living like nothing happened. She makes coffee. I take the kids to school. We say goodnight. And I hear that sentence every single day. I hear it when I look at her. I hear it when I look in the mirror. I keep wondering what's so wrong with me that the idea of touching me is worse than ending our whole life together. What does that make me? 41 years old and my wife would rather burn it all down than let me near her. I don't know what to do with that. I don't know who to even tell. So I'm telling you. Okay, well, first of all, John, thanks for reaching out. Thanks for sharing, dude. I know that wasn't easy. As I often say to guys, a lot of guys, they like to hold in a lot of this stuff because it's just too painful to let it out there. And for, you know, the love of your life to say something like that, dude, this isn't something to carry all by yourself forever. So I'm glad you're sharing it here with us. I'm not gonna dress this up. What she said was incredibly harsh, cruel, and that's not something you say to somebody that you love and respect. We could simply say she's being a bitch and he needs to divorce her like tomorrow. And guess what? That may be true in a lot of ways, but wouldn't it be nice if there was something to learn from all this? And no, that doesn't mean blaming us as men. Men are all bad, all that horseshit. No, but there's something to be learned in terms of the relationship, the dynamics in the relationship. What kept you stuck in such what was probably in hindsight? I say this and a lot of guys deny it, but dude, it doesn't take long to sit down with a guy and listen to their relationship stories and go, dude, I'm 10 minutes into this and you guys have been broken since day one. What the hell? That's often what's going on here. Usually this really horrible statement by the woman is just tip of the iceberg. For a lot of women, respect is huge in a relationship. I mentioned this in the Dead Bedroom Fix. If she is not respecting you, then she is not fucking you. Her body is keeping score long before her mouth ever tells you what's going on. So when we see the sexual engine in our wife go dormant, barring any kind of physical thing, hormonal thing, perimenopause, disease, whatever it may be, let's say you guys are both in your 30s in the prime and everything's fine. And suddenly in your mind, in the man's mind, suddenly we just stopped doing it. What you don't see is probably the months, if not years of slow deterioration leading up to that point. For a lot of women, the moment that she loses respect for her man for whatever reason, man, I don't care how many flowers and date nights and I love yous and you look good todays and all this other stuff. It doesn't change the fact that she shut the door on the romance in the relationship simply because, boy, she just doesn't respect you at all. And often when people are cornered, when they feel like there's no way out, uh, in, uh, in an argument, for example, I've had guys tell me that He and the woman were having a terrible argument and he was really winning on all fronts. He had her dead to rights on cheating and all this other stuff. And he's just like, I know what's going on and we need to fix this once and for all or divorce. And she lashes out with something to get him to back the hell off. And that something is usually god-awful terrible stuff, something that really hits him below the belt, something that really hits him in his ego or in his pride, something that she knows will get him to back off and get away from her because that's all she wants. She wants to be left alone. Stressed out, scared, angry, whatever it may be. Get the hell away from me, dude. He won't stop. Oh yeah, well, here you go. I always mention this to guys because it's an example of just how horrible people can get in this kind of situation. These women in our lives. I had one guy tell me that he was in the middle of an argument with this woman and she says, you know what, you are the reason that your brother killed himself so many years ago. That's basically at the point where you say, there's no coming back from this. This is awful. She said that just to get me to shut up. Finally, I'm listening to her. We're gonna split. And this for her was such a moment. I would rather divorce you than touch you. She felt cornered. She felt trapped. The claws came out. The teeth were bared. And she goes, oh yeah, take this. And it worked. You backed off. And she goes back to loading the dishwasher. John, I'm not knocking you for being stunned. Who wouldn't be stunned with such an admission from the woman you love more than anything, right? But what you can't do is be so goddamn passive when it comes to these things. This is like one of, if not the biggest moment in your relationship conflict. You're just like, Uh, and you just let it go. It's okay to have the immediate stunned, uh, moment, but at some point you got to go, whoa, timeout, put the dishes down. We got to talk about this. You, wife, can't just throw something out there like that and not have me respond. Anyone in their right mind would respond to this. So yes, we are going to talk about this. I know you don't want to. I know you want me to leave you the hell alone. I hear you, but you can't just throw out the divorce word and expect me to pretend not to respond to this. That's just weird. This passivity Guys, I'm telling you, man, it kills a relationship. It kills so many guys that I talk to. It kills their sense of self-worth. This walking on eggshells, this I don't want to say something because it may result in drama. When I give advice on, you know, how to be a mentally healthy man, how to be a secure man, stick up for yourself and everything. So many guys come back to me going like roll their eyes and go, yeah, right, Ralph, like that works. And I'm like, of course it works. What do you mean it doesn't work? Explain this to me. And what the men invariably say is, Oh, it will result in drama. She won't like me very much. She'll be upset. So? You're not going to die. You'll be fine. You're living in this weird limbo dysfunctional state anyway. Add some drama on top of it? Who gives a shit? Well, a lot of you grew up in chaos. A lot of you learned to swallow your emotions. A lot of you learned to be the smallest thing in the room to not get attention because it just resulted in a lot of chaos and meanness from your parents and so forth. Whatever flavor of your dysfunction it was. That's basically what got you here today and why you're just tiptoeing around this woman and acting like a scared little puppy dog. John and others, that has to end now. That is getting you exactly nowhere in life. What you'll learn is a lot of moments in life, it's not until you get to the big drama moment that things actually get accomplished, things get done. Let's say you're a business owner and you got this employee that everyone loves. He's a great guy, but damn it, he just cannot produce. He's just not doing what he's supposed to do. Just keep paying him, you know, month after month of salary that's way too much and you're not getting anything out of it. And you're like, but I don't want to approach him because I really like the guy and I don't want to fire him because he's a good dude and he's got a family. And you know what happens? Finally you get up the balls because there's something that he's done that you just can't ignore anymore. And you go, dude, have a seat. You're like, I hate to do this, but I think I have to let you go because of reasons. And the guy's like, dude, no, I'm so sorry. Give me one more chance. And he turns himself around and he becomes your star employee. And none of that would have happened if you didn't have that big sit down with him. There was drama, there was tears, there was, you know, this dude's in your office, you know, crying and shaking and talking about his horrible family life, whatever it may be, but things turn around. Or, you know, keeping with the whole employee analogy thing, you tell the guy, I'm going to have to let you go. And he goes, you know, F you, I'm out of here. And he leaves, big drama-filled moment. Several other employees leave with him, whatever it may be. And then they are replaced with what? People that actually produce, people that fit your culture better. It's a win-win. Same thing here, guys, with your relationship. Being so passive and just not wanting to rock the boat and dealing and taking in this horrible stuff, like what John's wife here said to him, that, that's passivity and eggshell walking to an extreme, and it just ends up destroying everything in your life. What you see as the cure or the remedy to the situation, which is just take it, take it and shut the hell up, that is not the cure. Ironically, that's the disease. Now let's get this out of the way because I talk to a lot of guys who don't like themselves very much. And so when they hear something like this from their spouse, again, the woman they love more than anything, it really hurts him and it makes him feel like garbage. And he starts questioning everything about himself. Maybe I am horrible. Maybe I'm garbage. Maybe I'm not worthy of a wife like this. Maybe she deserves somebody better. Maybe I should let her go. Oh my gosh, what the hell? My life is over. These kind of things, from what I've seen, often say less about you as an individual and more about your relationship as a whole. Yes, potentially respect from your spouse towards you was eroded over time. Sure. Yes, maybe attraction lessened over time. Maybe you put on 20, 30, 40, 50-some pounds, whatever it may be. Maybe she did. Maybe something terrible happened, a lot of stress in your life, a death of parents, loss of jobs, whatever, which caused a loss of respect and just added stress to the relationship overall. Whatever it may be that got you to this point or helped contribute to getting you to this point does not excuse her doing something as horrible as saying what she said. I'm sorry. So what you need to do is stop taking that one little sentence that she said to you and making it the defining moment in your life and making it define you going forward. That's not fair. I don't necessarily suggest at this point that you corner her once again and say, we're going to talk about this goddamn it and have it out once and for all. No, I think what we need is a big timeout. What you need to do is First, concentrate on, and I've said this a million times, sorry guys, I'm gonna sound like I'm a broken record here, but focus on yourself. It's quite literally the only thing in your life that you can control. You've got a lot of stuff you need to work on up here, dude. And the one thing that all of you guys do is you try to do this work on yourself, so to speak, in isolation. You do the YouTube videos. Thank you very much, by the way. You do the podcasts. Once again, thanks. You do the books. Again, thank you. If you don't know, I'm an author, speaker, podcaster, YouTuber. But what a lot of you don't do is raise your hand and say, I could use some help here. That is precisely the point where things go errr and start turning around for you when you go get help from others. I mean, set all the soft stuff aside and just look at this really pragmatically in a concrete kind of data-driven kind of way. When you go to others who have been there and done that, experts at their field, so to speak, you're going to expedite your results and get better faster. There's just no two ways about it. Let's set all the relationship and soft emotional stuff aside and just say you want to get better at carpentry. I don't know, some kind of blue-collar field, something you work with your own two hands, right? Who are you going to go to? You're going to go to people who are also going through the whole learning how to be a carpenter thing and comparing notes. More importantly, going to people who have been there and done that. The master carpenter guy— I don't even know if that's a thing— who, uh, is really great at his craft. He has created a business where he has other people working for him, and he's been doing it for year after year after year. You go to that guy, you're gonna learn a shit ton more than you would learn trying to go to YouTube and learn how to become a carpenter via videos, buying books or courses or whatever it may be. Those things are important. They have their place, but combined with a guy standing over your shoulder saying, I wouldn't do that. I've done that before. It's a big waste of time. Instead, do this. Guys, that's how you get better at everything, including this, how to become a more secure man and have better relationships. And it just so happens I have a resource for you guys. Check it out. The Brotherhood at help4men.com. Or jump right to the join page at help4men.com/join. Hundreds and hundreds of men from around the world, they get together in live meetings, private forums. We get together in person. We have thousands of hours of audio at this point for you to listen to. We have all my books, coaching, you name it at the brotherhood, help4men.com. There's a term that a lot of guys use when it comes to dealing with women in relationships, and the term is moving of goalposts. Meaning the wife says, you know, in order for me to be happy with us and you and yes, have more sex and everything else, here's what I need. A man says, you got it, and he does it. And before he can kick the field goal and get the winning points, so to speak, the wife goes, not so fast. And she moves the goalpost and says, actually, what you need to do is this. Or sometimes in really flat-out dysfunctional, unhealthy ways, I never said that. And the guy's like, wait, you did say that. You wanted me to do this. No, you misunderstood. What I want is this. And he's like, okay, I'll do the other thing. And he's chasing her around like a little puppy dog trying to kick the field goal. And she keeps moving the goalposts. Well, a lot of you guys do the same damn thing in your own little needy dude way. You move the goalposts in terms of what you will and will not tolerate within a relationship. You tell yourself, sometimes out loud, you know what, I'm a man, damn it, and no one will ever do this to me. Then you encounter it in real life and you go, well, she didn't mean it. She's had a bad day, right? She may have said the thing or did the thing, whatever, but I know her deep down. She's not really like that. And you give her another chance and another chance, and you never ever confront her because again, drama, who wants that, right? You keep moving the goalposts, so to speak, so you never have to confront the big issue, which is holy shit, our relationship is just broken and no one's doing anything about it. So guys, when your spouse says to you, I would rather disintegrate our family, blow up our marriage than ever touch you again. Yeah, it's a pretty huge deal. And no, don't take the chicken shit way and say, oh, it just must mean that I'm a horrible person. Let me just ignore that this ever happened and let me become a more needy individual and keep chasing her and read another few books and watch another 100 YouTube videos and all this other stuff. As a guy who produces all that stuff and makes a living off that stuff, thank you, but you've watched and read enough. It's time to do. And the do is not chase more, chase more. The do is work on yourself for once, dude. When you do that and you do it right and you get help from others, Brotherhood, help4men.com. What you'll learn is your eyes will be open to the reality of the situation. The reality for some of you is you got a good woman on your hands and you just need to yank your head out of your ass. But for others leaning towards maybe John's situation is this case, you're learning that, wow, my wife is an asshole and she has been for a long time. And I've been just taking it and taking it and taking it. And I've been rewarding her assholery for way too long. It's time to change things. Guys, have any of you ever had your spouse say something really horrible like this or done something really horrible that makes you stop and go, well, what the hell? And did you finally, you know, approach this in a healthy way? Was that the springboard towards becoming a better you? And maybe for some of you, a better couple? Let me know. I want to hear about your experience. And guys, thank you so very much for watching and listening on the podcast. If you're listening, I do appreciate it. And we'll catch you on the next one.
More from Ralph
Why Women Emasculate Men — and Why You Must NEVER Cave | Alison Armstrong Interview
