The Mom Mentor by MentorCloud (Episode 1: Esther Wojcicki)

My name is Esther Wojcicki. I'm the mother of three amazing daughters, Susan Wojcicki, Janet Wojcicki, and Ann Wojcicki.

First of all, I was still teaching when I was prepared, pregnant with my daughter and Susan. And by at those days, that was in 1968, if you were pregnant and you showed, you were asked to leave, because pregnant women, according to the schools, gave the students a bad idea. And so, fortunately for me, I'm tall, and it's the first pregnancy, so you could hardly see I was pregnant at all. It was just a tiny little bump. And so I was able to stay until, you know, the last month.

But that didn't give me a lot of time to prepare. You know, I wasn't home reading books, doing all kinds of things. So when Susan was born, you know, she was born two weeks after I stopped teaching. And then I hadn't, like, oh, my God, I don't even know how to change a diaper. I don't know how to do anything. What are you supposed to do? Oh, here's this really cute thing right near me now. Now what? And so I asked, I begged this hospital. It was Kaiser Santa Clara, great place by the. I was like, please, can I just stay one extra day? Can you just teach me how to do these things? And so they said, yes, and I stayed an extra day. And the nurse was really great, and they taught me all this stuff. And I brought Susan home, and, you know, I didn't run around and change colors of the room or anything. It was just like a bed, and that was it. And I put her in this little bed. And the question was, how do you take care of her?

You know, she was very easy to take care of. I was really lucky. She just cried every four hours or so, and that was it. I nursed her, and that was taken care of. That was easy. But what I decided at that point is that I did not want to be a parent like my parents had parented me. I wanted to be a different parent. And my goal was to empower my daughter as best I could to give her the skills that I thought were most important. I wanted to make sure that she always was able to read and to do math and to do whatever it was necessary to be able to think. And so that's what I did when she was little, when she was an infant. And, you know, she did everything on schedule. You know, the only book I had to read at that time was called Dr. Spock, and I really liked Dr. Spock. I thought he was my personal best friend. It said on page one, trust your instincts. You're the mom, you know best. And I was like, oh, my God, this man is talking to me. And so that's basically what I did a lot with Susan. And she was such an easy baby that I thought, oh, I might as well have two. They're so cute. So I had another. Janet came along 18 months later. One of the most challenging times that happened was when my children were small and when Ann was born. And one of the things we did, as I mentioned, as we moved to Switzerland, to Geneva, Switzerland, when Ann was five weeks old. And it turns out that is a really tough thing to do. It's tough on the two older children because in addition to having a new sibling, they had to deal with a new house and they had to deal with a new language and a new school and new friends. And so if I had to do it again, I probably would not do that. And so what I would suggest to young parents is that if you want to make a change, just make one change. You know, you have your new baby and then if you're going to make one other change, that's about it. But I made multiple changes. And so I think it was really hard. And one of the challenges was Janet, who was. She was really challenged by that because she was sort of stuck in the middle then, right? She wasn't the oldest, she wasn't the youngest, and she was super. She's always been very gifted in languages and she was very, very gifted. And she wanted to be in an older class and not in the same class that she was put in. And in Switzerland, the rules are really strong. You know, if you're three, you go to the three year olds. If you're four, four. Well, Janet, who was three, she wanted to go with the five year olds. Well, this was not considered a great idea in Switzerland. So I mean, that was a big challenge for me as a mother. And then as they were growing up, you know, what they were wearing also got to be a challenge. You know, it's like they would come out of the room and one of them would look at the other ones like, oh my God, she's wearing something really cute. Oh, and I'm not wearing. So it got to be a problem. So what did I do? How did I solve that problem? I bought them all three the same thing. And I. This is another mistake I made. So I might have over trusted them. And one weekend I said, okay, dad and I are going away for the weekend. And I'm gonna leave you guys alone for a weekend because, you know, old enough and you can take care of yourself and so forth. And so there we are. Went off, and they're like, no problem, Mom. We'll take good care of the house. I come back, and this room had shag carpet in it. I come back, and that carpet is perfectly vacuumed. I was like, oh, my God, they cleaned the house. It's so nice. And then I walk in the house, everything looked, like, perfect. I was like, what have you guys been doing? You had to spend the whole weekend cleaning. It's amazing. Next day on Monday, I go to class, and there's all this sort of laughter in the background and everything else, and all these kids are laughing. And then I look in the back, and there's a girl. She's wearing something. I was like, wow. You know, I have an outfit just like that one at home. It's really interesting. I said, where'd you get it? She's like, it was your. In your closet. I was like, what?

It's yours. It's like, how did you get it? They're like, oh, there was this major rager at your house over the weekend. It's like, what? I mean, this was first period in the morning. I could barely make it through the rest of the day, but I had to be there, right? I get home and I said to the girls, hey, so what happened while I was away this weekend? I heard a little story about. Anyway, finally the whole story came out about that, you know, so they had a party at the house. Apparently the police were here, even, because it was so noisy and loud and so many people. So one thing, advise the parents. Don't leave your house alone, no matter how much you trust your kids, because they're probably going to have a party and you might not want a party. So that was a bit of a challenge for me.

The main trait that I think that made a difference that I could. I tried to develop, and I think it worked, was a sense of risk taking and failure that was never punished. They were able to take a lot of risks in terms of activities that they wanted to do.

Or things that they. Well, just for example, in this house, they all got to decorate their own rooms. Susan, of course, the oldest, got to do it first, which meant that I took her to the store with me. Carpet store. And she picked out the carpet herself at the age of six. And she picked something that I never would have picked. Hot pink shag. And that carpet was on her floor for at least 10 years, which I had to live with. And then, you know, she picked the decorations for the room. You know, her room. You know, people came to the house. I would not voluntarily show them her room because it looked like it was not exactly a design.

A designer's dream or anything. But for her, it made a big difference. But then I think she was. They were also empowered a lot, because every weekend we went somewhere, and they got to pick where we went, and they got to help decide what they were doing and where we should eat. In today's world, it's so much easier because a kid can go online. That's one good online activity. Go online and see what there is to do around the area you're planning to go, and then pick a thing and then get to decide whether it's good or not. They get to lead the show. So.

They were all very empowered in that way. They all believed in themselves. And that's what I think it takes for kids to develop grit. And everybody wants grit, because when you believe in yourself and your ideas, then, you know, you promote them. And a lot of parents, they don't want their kid to be too demanding.

But honestly, I think you don't want to curtail that too much. You know, if they're demanding something that is sensible, you know, it's. It's okay. You know, one of my grandchildren, every time I come, she. I give her a gummy bear. Okay? So now I discovered these gummy bears that are actually. They're super healthy. They're little vitamins. So whenever I come, she's like, oh, can I have the. Oh, well, sure, you can have this gummy bear, you know, full of all these healthy things. But it's sort of a. It's a compromise because, you know, normally I wouldn't be giving out candy to kids, but I think I could. I never would have guessed that they would have been the head of industry that I never even imagined. We didn't even know what. The Internet didn't exist. But, Susan, they were all leaders in their class, and they used to bring home their friends. You know, we live really close to the school. It's like, I don't know, four houses away. And they were routinely showing up at the front door. I didn't pick them up, by the way. They walked home, and they brought a friend with them, and it was like, oh, that's good. And then I would put the friend on the phone. I was like, could you call your mom and tell your mom where you are so your mom won't worry, I don't think that happens anymore. You know, I think, unfortunately, people are just not trusting.

So she trusted her instincts. She trusted, you know, making her own friends, setting her own schedule. You know, she was like, oh, I'm going down the street to play with, and she would go and play. Or I also entrusted her with making her own appointments. Get on the phone and call your friend's mom and see whether or not you can come over. And.

So I don't think we do that today. We do all the appointments. You know, not only that, every day of the week is scheduled. You know, today is tennis, tomorrow is, I don't know, golf or, you know, chess lessons or whatever. I think you need to have your kids. First, they should have some say, and secondly, they should have some free time. Trick, I would say, started as my parenting style. And what TRIC stands for is trust, respect, independence, collaboration, and kindness. And I say that this is actually the trick to being a really effective parent, an effective teacher, and an effective friend and spouse. What I was trying to do is understand what I had done as a parent that seemed to have worked so well. And then I was also looking at my classes and trying to understand why did I go from having 20 students in 1984 to now? There's over 700 kids taking these programs at Palo Alto High School. What is going on in the program? And now there's six other teachers. So it's not just me.

So I came up with this by thinking about it, and what I realized I had done was that number one thing I did is trusted and respected my children and their ideas, no matter how far out they seemed. And I did the same thing in my classes. Trusted and respected the students and their ideas. That's one of the values of having the acronym trick, because you have to remind yourself that no matter how crazy that idea seems, in fact, it might be a really great idea. And it's a way of moving forward, because new ideas, they're hard to accept.

With my daughters, I gave them a lot of independence. You know, basically my philosophy was, oh, like what time you're leaving? It's about 10 in the morning. Remember, be home by dinner. Just come back in time for dinner. I don't want to have to run all over the neighborhood and look for you. So that's a lot of independence. I collaborated with them on all kinds of things, from discipline to where to go for the weekend, to what to eat for dinner to shopping. Do you want to go shopping? You guys can go shopping. You can buy It. Here's a credit card. I'll pay for the bill. You just put whatever you want in the basket. Then you guys are gonna have to, you know, you have to make dinner. You have to figure out what you're gonna be doing. And then kindness. You always want to treat them with kindness no matter what. And I think that sometimes even the best parents don't do that. So you have to forgive yourself for, you know, perhaps, you know, getting too upset or too mad about something.

Because kids. Kids do things that are maddening. You know, they do all kinds of things. I mean, I came over recently to one of my daughter's houses. That was a couple years ago. And, you know, one of the kids had drawn all over the wall. You know, the wall was just painted. And all of a sudden, you know, there's like, red crayon all over the wall. Now what? You know, you do get mad. I mean, it's like, wring her neck. But control yourself. Just remember, you know, it's only temporary. You know, you can use something to get the, you know, the crayon off the wall.

Or, you know, they do all kinds of things. I don't have to elaborate because all parents know what they do. You know, they're trying to put their shoes on by themselves, and you're already 10 minutes late. It's like, what are you gonna do? Oh, my God. And they're having a fit. So.

Each case is individually solved. You cannot have a platform that's going to solve everything. But the trick model is the closest thing that I can come to because it also works in your relationships with your spouse, with your friends. You know, you trust and respect your spouse. You know, people that track their spouse. I mean, why do they marry them if they don't trust them? You know, and you. You don't. You're not glued to each other by the hip. You have to give your spouse some independence. Just because they're marri to you doesn't mean that they have to do everything you're doing and collaborate on things. And then we all make mistakes. No matter what they are, treat them with kindness. So I think for new mothers, I think it's really an exciting time for you to relive the childhood that you wish that you would have had and to take care of your child the way that you wish you would have been cared for. Because you are the child's first teacher. You are the number one person in that child's life, and you make the difference. And so it's an opportunity for you to celebrate. Even if they aren't sleeping through the night, it's not going to happen forever. I promise you. Eventually they're going to sleep longer than you want them to sleep, especially when they're teenagers. So it's just temporary. Just think about it as a temporary time and an opportunity for you to enjoy that. You know, for grandmothers and people that. Whose children are older, I would say it's harder to have an impact. Your chance happened from 0 to 18, and the greatest impact was 0 to 5. And so what you have to do now is you want to. You're collaborating with them there. You give them some ideas. You can say, this is the way I might want to do it, but you cannot tell them what to do. If you tell them what to do, you're going to be cut out, because nobody likes to be told what to do. Especially when, you know, they're raising their own children or when they're doing their own job. It's really hard. So you can say, I'm here to support you. I'm here to listen. And you have to just remember, I think Ruth Bader Ginsburg made a statement that I think is really valuable to everybody, and that is, I try to remember that I'm a little bit deaf, so you don't hear all these things that you might want to comment on and criticize you. Just like, just maybe pick a few. Not everything that'll make a big difference to everybody, including you. So, yeah, one of the statements I make in my book is I'm trying to make myself obsessed with. And I know this sounds really threatening to a lot of parents and a lot of teachers, a lot of people, but if you just. This is more or less the extreme. I am trying to give my children and my students the skills they need to do well in life. And if they need me to do something, I failed. Of course I want my children to be in touch with me. You know, one was in India, the second one in Russia, the third one in South Africa. And I thought, oh, my God, I'm gonna have to fly all over the world to see them. And here they are back close by, and they want to be with me, which is, I mean, a gift. As a matter of fact, they're always saying, mom, how come you didn't come over on Sunday? Or, mom, when are you gonna come over and take care of whichever one you know, or, you know, go with me. We want to go to the store. Let's go to the store. I mean, I feel blessed that they want me to be there with them. I'm Esther. And one of the things that you should always do is listen to your mother.

For sure.