In this solo coaching episode, host Rob Anderson opens with a vivid scuba‑diving memory with his partner Brooks, using the dive’s rhythm and trust to illustrate how love evolves. He argues that relationships function like software: they require regular updates and recalibrations, otherwise they become outdated and glitch. Drawing on personal anecdotes and the changing ocean, Rob outlines four practical strategies: (1) stay curious by asking deeper, exploratory questions; (2) schedule intentional relationship check‑ins akin to gear inspections; (3) deliver small, unexpected gestures (e.g., mid‑week flowers) to keep connection alive; and (4) consider relationship coaching as a proactive alternative to therapy. He reinforces the metaphor with “recalibration dives” that mirror periodic alignment in life, emphasizing that relationships need ongoing awareness, not perfection. The episode concludes with two offers—a coaching invitation and a free copy of his book via Patreon—inviting listeners to engage further.
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You know, it was a couple of months ago, it hit me in the morning on a beach dive with Brooks. The sun was just breaking over the horizon. It was throwing streaks of orange and pink across the water. The sand was cool. The air had that mix of salt and anticipation that every diver knows before that first descent. My name is Rob Anderson. I'm the host of Stand Sure Coaching Podcast. I'm also the founder of Stand Sure Coaching and an avid scuba diver. You know that diving, if you've listened to any of my podcasts, You know that diving and water and I just had this very, very special connection. You know, we had done that dozens of times. May not be the same beach, may not be the same entry point, but I gotta tell you, it's that same quiet rhythm. We're checking out each other's gear, making sure that everything is all squared away. And then there's that small nod that says, hey, are you ready? And we descend beneath the surface with the sounds of the waves just giving way to silence. And we hear nothing but ourselves breathing compressed air, blowing bubbles, and then just all the little sounds that the ocean bottom makes. But I got to tell you, that morning felt really different. And as I watched Brooks glide along beside me, her bubbles drifting upward, I realized how much we had changed, not just as divers, but as people. When we first started diving together, everything was about discovery for, for us as, as A buddy dive team, right? And this was long before we became friends. And then we grew in connection. We had changed. And again, we didn't just change as divers, but we had changed as people. We'd both been through some stuff. When we first started diving together, We were both going through our own little personal hells. Everything was new for us. Everything was an adventure. Every mistake was a lesson. I remember there was times where we would get so frustrated with each other on dives, and she would look at me, you know, later on she'd look at me and say, you know, there's a time that you were much more patient. But that whole process We were learning to move together in both our underwater lives and then our, our on-the-surface lives. And now we're different. We're more deliberate. We're more in sync. And much more today than any other day, we can anticipate each other's movements. When we're underwater, I can sense her level of comfort, and we can communicate with nothing more than a glance. And that happens up on the surface too. But on that day, it hit me. Love, just like diving, changes as we do. You see, it's not about the rush anymore. It's more about the rhythm, the awareness, the trust. And I remember surfacing a few months ago thinking, man, we're so much better at this now. And I can see through her smile that really we've updated our system. And that's when it clicked for me, man. It hit me like a bolt of lightning. You see, love and relationships are a lot like software. And if you don't keep updating it, eventually it stops working the way that it should. Yeah, I just, I just went there. Relationships are like computers. They need regular updates. You know, systems out there, they're built to adapt, but only if you put in the work. You can't expect the 2015 version of yourself or the 2020 version of yourself to sync perfectly with your partner's 2025 operating system. And, you know, when I look around, and even us included, if we're not careful, There are so many couples that try to run on old software— same arguments, same expectations, same patterns that no longer fit who they've become. They're using old code in a new world, and that's where it starts to glitch. They assume something's broken, but usually the relationship just needs a system upgrade. That's why, you know, for us, date night is so important. Connection time, sitting down at dinner, so important. People watch us dive and they think that we are so in sync, but Brooks and I, we've had those moments. We've been on the beach or we've been in a boat or we've been in the Jeep after a dive and both of us frustrated, not because of some big conflict. But because we're running on different versions of us. And honestly, the solution isn't about who's right. It's both of us updating how we connect. It's about taking time to say, hey, you know, what's, what's changed? What's changed in you? What's new in me? And you have to fight for that every single day. You've got to be on top of those system updates because that's what keeps relationships from freezing. Relationships don't normally fail because people fall out of love, but it's because they stop staying— they stop staying curious. They stop trying to update those systems. They mail it in. And Brooks and I have come from relationships where we both had someone that was just mailing it in. They just took us for granted. And I'm not going to go off and talk about anything disparaging about any of our ex-spouses. What I do know is that we work to stay updated. Going back into a diving reference here. Every good diver knows that that ocean changes daily. You could be at the same dive spot, conditions shift, currents move, visibility comes and goes. You can dive the same site 100 times. Matter of fact, I look at a place like Blue Lake down in Utah. It's on the border of Utah and Nevada. I've got hundreds of dives there, and I guarantee you— and I just told this to a group of divers last week— it never looks the same. That place is never the same every time I dive it. When we expect it to stay static, It suffocates. I'm talking about relationships. Real connection requires recalibration, just like when you're underwater, you have to adjust your buoyancy. And you're constantly fine-tuning. A little more air here, a little release there, a shift in your posture, all to maintain balance and flow. And that's what updating love, that's what updating your relationship looks like. It's not about rewriting everything. It's about making small, very intentional adjustments to help you both stay aligned. Now, by the way, this can't be one person. It's got to be both. The couples who last are the ones who keep diving deeper, who stay curious about the mystery Of who their partner is becoming, not just you, not just who you're becoming, but who their partner is becoming. And I got to tell you, just when you think you figured them out, the mistake is that you stop exploring. But in relationships, just like the ocean. There's an endless depth if you're willing to keep descending together. I got 3 tips I'm gonna tell you right now. I may not come across as a marriage expert, but I can tell you what, I am an expert in marriage failure. I'm gonna be very real with you. The reason why I enjoy coaching our around relationships and communication and couples is because it gives me an opportunity to ask the curious questions. I've often told you that coaching is not counseling, it's not therapy, it's not consulting, it's not giving expert advice. But these 3 tips Come from someone who's not always been successful that wants to see you be successful. Number 1, you got to stay curious. Curiosity keeps your connection alive. Break the habit of, how was your day? Ask things like, what was challenging about your day? Where'd you have some victories today? What's inspiring you right now? It's not interrogation, it's exploration. Tip number 2, schedule your relationship updates. Just like with diving, checking your gear before a dive, just like with your laptop or your phone, how it gets automatic updates. You have to opt in for those. Set aside time to check in. Ask questions like, hey, what's working well for us right now? What needs a tune-up? And I know for some of you, I'm going to talk to the guys here. All right, guys, I know that sometimes that is a tough question to ask because you don't want to know what the answer is. Ladies, we need the same questions asked of us. The small conversations prevent corrosion and miscommunication from building up because once it starts building up, there's this vicious cycle that begins to happen. I'm going to add another tip in here before I add my last one that I'd scheduled in here. So, I guess you're getting 4 tips today. Tip number 3, I'm going to share this with the guys. Don't buy her flowers on Valentine's or just on Valentine's Day. Don't buy her flowers just on her birthday. Buy her flowers on a Wednesday. Buy her flowers on a Friday, end of the week, right? And maybe it's not flowers. Maybe some kind of small gesture. Don't think about her just on the holidays. Midweek. If you need to, go and put that thing in your calendar because I know that once you get off work and you start heading home, you forget all about it. You just want to get home. And then tip number four: consider coaching. Sometimes you need an outside perspective to see things that you're missing. Coaching helps you and your partner to see patterns that keep looping, gives you tools to communicate clearly, and helps you rewrite. Your shared roadmap. It's not about finding fault. It's about unlocking growth. And this is why many times couples don't need therapy. They don't need counseling. They need coaching. They need, they need that third party there asking them questions, getting them to talk with each other. Love is like diving. It's not about perfection. It's about awareness. And Brooks and I, we still have our recalibration dives. In fact, I feel like I don't get to dive with her enough because I'm always with students and she's with clients. But our recalibration dives where we're both underwater together, it brings us back and we have to do the same thing in life. And some days it's smooth and steady. Other days we're fighting the current that's out there. And right now we've got a lot of current against us, but the goal is the same. Stay connected, stay aware, and keep updating. So if you take one thing away today, it's this: your relationship doesn't need to be flawless. It just needs to stay current. Keep updating the software. And it's not going to just survive the changes. It'll keep getting better with every dive that you take together, whether that's underwater or in life. Hey, 2 very quick offers. If this resonates with you, reach out. I would love to work with you as an individual or work with you as a couple. Number 2, if you're interested in a free copy of my book, I'm going to give it to you. Go check out the Patreon page where I've got daily motivation and daily updates. All right. That's all I've got for this episode. Thank you so much for being a part of this podcast. Thank you.
