Episode 93: Pulling Out of Isolation

Hey, I really get this one because I've been there. It's something I really, really understand. I also understand what it takes to pull out of it. Hey, if you're someone who you pull away from people when life starts getting overwhelming, guys, this podcast is for you. If you're the person, you stop answering messages, you stop looking at text, or maybe you see the text pop up, you don't even open it because you don't want the person to know That you read it. You turn down invitations. You tell yourself that when things calm down, that you'll reconnect. But the longer you wait, the more anxious that you get. You get anxious about, you know, about coming back, about popping back in their lives and feeling like you've got to try to explain why you've been gone. Hey, welcome to the Stand Sure Coaching Podcast. I'm Rob Anderson, and I think of my life in 3 chapters. The first one, my service in the military and some of the most challenging environments of my entire life. The second chapter, 25 years of designing and delivering leadership development in both Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies. And now I'm in my third chapter, my life as a coach. Yeah, that's right. third chapter as a full-time life and leadership coach where I help people who feel stuck to rediscover who they are, transform how they live, and move forward with purpose. And that's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to Stan Schurer Coaching. Hey, today we're going to talk about something that I am really familiar with. I— and I get it. This is— I've been in this situation. I work with clients, you know, I don't want to say every day, but I work with clients on a regular basis that this happens to. They isolate and they pull away and they feel like that they can't reengage. And so today I want to talk about why that happens. I want to give you 3 ways to start changing it. And at the end, I'll share how you and I can work together If you're ready to change that pattern. Here's what I want you to hear first, and it's this: pulling away can make sense when you're overwhelmed. I'll tell you right now, that's That's normal, okay? You're not freaking out. You're okay. And if you're not quite okay, it's okay to be slightly not okay. But pulling away can make sense when you're feeling overwhelmed. If work is getting demanding, money's tight, Somebody at home needs more than you feel that you're able to give. Even getting that friendly text can feel like it's just one more thing to handle. So what do you do? You leave it unanswered. You leave it. In fact, you don't even see that. You don't even read it. You don't even want to pop it open so that somebody on the other end sees that you read it. But what happens is that message doesn't disappear. It sits there, and now you're thinking about what that person might be thinking of you. You wonder whether— at some point you start wondering whether or not you waited too long, and a simple reply starts to feel like a difficult conversation. And that's avoidance. And for a lot of folks, it doesn't bring peace. In fact, I would say for most folks, it doesn't bring peace. It gives anxiety more time to grow. Your brain is trying to protect you from something it expects will be hard. There's this threat detection system that you have. It's part of survival. And it can treat that incoming message as if, you know, it's just one more demand. When you're already, you know, you're kind of like living on the jagged edge as it is. Your body, you know, you may feel your body respond before you've really had time to decide what to do. You know, your shoulders get tight, your breathing gets quicker, your heart may beat a little faster. You get keyed up just looking at your phone. And meanwhile, stress can make it harder to think and be a little more flexible. For myself, what I've noticed is that instead of seeing several possible ways to reply, I wind up seeing— I wind up seeing just 2. It's either Find the perfect words, find the excuse, find the justification, or just say nothing. The next time that person's, you know, you see their name pop up, your brain remembers how comfortable it felt, and that task has grown, and you still haven't had a chance to learn That an imperfect, honest reply just might be enough. Say it one more time. Having an imperfect, honest reply, you feel like that it's not enough. And that's how avoidance can prolong a problem. You know, the relationship may still be available to you, But each day of silence can make reaching for it feel a lot more like a threat. And there's another part to this. When you have supportive connection, that supportive connection can help soften a stress response. When you cut yourself off from people that you trust, You may lose access to support at that moment that you need it because they don't know to support you. Or they could hit a point where they're like, well, okay, whatever. They're not going to answer me. I'm going to press on. I'm going to throw a biblical reference in here. It's over in class— now I'm trying to think where it was. I'll have to put it down in the show notes for you, okay? Because I remember the quote. I don't remember exactly where it was, but 2 are better than one. And it describes one person helping the other back up. And I love the plainness of that picture. On a lot of the content, a lot of the materials I put out, you'll see 2 people climbing a hill. One's reaching back. And grabbing the hand or grabbing the arm of the other one and pulling them up. I love the plainness of that picture. If someone falls, if someone's not making it quite up the hill, there's someone else there to help. So how do you interrupt that pattern when you barely have room to think? When, when you're overwhelmed, when you're looking at those text messages, when you're looking at those emails, when someone's standing outside the door, literally outside your door knocking, and you're avoiding them? Number 1, I want you to notice the moment that you begin to withdraw. Look for your own early signs. Maybe Maybe you see a friend's name on your phone and you get tense. Maybe you start— and who knows, you might even start creating a response, but then you put your phone down or you set your laptop down because you can't find the right words. Maybe you're at home with people who love— that you love and you love them. But you've gone quiet and they have no idea what's happening inside you. I see it happen with a lot of my vets being in the home with people they love and they start withdrawing. What I want you to do is just pause long enough to name it. Hey, I'm overwhelmed. I want to disappear for a while. This is something I have set up with Brooks. There's times where I've got certain things in my life going on, and Brooks is a verbal processor. She's also very inquisitive. And so she starts asking me questions. Well, what about this? Well, what about that? What about this? And I get overwhelmed with the questions, and I have to tell her, hey, look, I just don't want to talk about it right now. And if we're not careful, I say it in a way that is totally disengaging. And really what I'm asking for is just Hey, I need somebody to walk up this hill with me. We had this conversation in the middle of the night, and I had told her that, hey, instead of asking me so many questions, just let me put my head on your lap and just hold me. Just rub my back. Just let me know that you're there. I don't want to have to explain it. I don't have to justify it. I don't want to have to go into detail on it. Sometimes I just need that quietness. I want you to pause long enough to name it. Say to yourself, say to someone else, hey, I'm overwhelmed. You don't have to judge yourself for it. Just notice what's happening before another moment goes by, before another week goes by. I've had people that I'll reach out to. That I still reach out to, and it's been months. Now, I'll tell you, probably if I was not a coach, I probably would just not— and understand the psychology of it— I probably would just stop reaching out. And there are people that unfortunately, that's what happens, and you don't want that to happen to you. You want those people to keep reaching out, so you got to send back some kind of a signal. Next thing I want you to do is just ask yourself, what am I— what in this conversation am I afraid of? Is there something in this conversation that requires me to do something? And you just might discover that you just need rest. You might discover that you need help, or you may need to tell somebody that you don't have the energy for a long conversation today. Once you know what you need, you have more choices than answering everything or answering nothing. All right, the second part of this. I want you to make one small Honest move towards someone. Keep it simple enough that you actually do it. I was working with a client the other day, was getting overwhelmed by text messages. We had a very honest conversation about how they pull away. Again, I get that. I've been there. And if I'm not careful, I can easily slip back into that. But just take one small step to honestly move towards someone. It could be just a real quick text. It could be a real quick email. As simple as, hey, you know what, man? I know I'm withdrawn. I'm really sorry. I got a lot going on. I know I've been quiet. I'd like to catch up when I have a little more energy. I have people that I reach out to, and when I don't get contact from them, I've taught them this model to become aware and then just, just let me know that your head is above water. And if it's not, let me know how I can help. And sometimes maybe the way I help is just giving them a couple of breaks. A couple of weeks of a break. Sometimes it's just being ready by the phone. I've got someone in my life that a couple months back, all we did is we sat down, we had coffee, and they plainly said, hey, look, no questions, just sit with me. And we sat in silence. Again, just something simple enough that you do it, that one small, honest move towards someone. You could even try, hey, you know what? I'm overwhelmed today. I'm kind of drowning. Please check on me tomorrow. You don't owe anyone a long explanation. And you don't have to make yourself available all day just to stay connected. That short, honest message tells someone where you are and it leaves the door open. That's the biggest thing, is just leaving that door open. Hey, can we talk this weekend? Can we meet up this weekend? Can I get— can you give me 30 minutes? Would you sit with me for a bit? Think of one person who has made it safe for you to be yourself and be with that person and start right there. All right, number 3. Get support in changing the pattern. Sometimes the unanswered messages are the only part that you can see. Underneath, there may be a belief that you're, that you're a burden. You might think that you are a hassle to someone or that you're a burden. You may feel that you have to solve everything before you let anyone know that you're struggling. Or you may have spent so long being the dependable one that asking for help seems really Really weird for you. You know, working with a coach gives you space to identify those barriers and decide what you want to do with them. Together, we can look at the moments when you pull away. We can notice what you're feeling and what you're telling yourself in those moments and choose a small, bold move that fits your life. That move might be telling someone the truth about what you need. It might be accepting an invitation before you feel completely ready. It might be setting a boundary so you have the energy to show up for a relationship that matters. And together, we pay attention to what happens. We celebrate the conversation that you had or the text that you sent or the email that you got out, the help that you accepted, the evening that you stayed present when you would usually have just shut down. Those outcomes matter. Each one of those outcomes, they give you one real experience to draw on the next time That withdrawal feels like your only option. And you could start that today with just one honest message. I told you in the beginning that I would tell you about a way to work with me, and that's, and that's where we come to this 1-year transformation. Now, by the way, it doesn't take you a year to send out a text. We'll start working on that stuff right away if that's, if that's where you want to begin. But that's where my One Year Transformation Program comes in. Over a year, you and I are going to work together in private coaching sessions to identify the patterns that are holding you back, make meaningful moves, and build on what you learn. We're going to look at areas of life That matter to you, including your relationships, your health, your finances, and your sense of purpose. The goal is a life where you can stay connected through difficult seasons. The goal is where you can ask for support and move forward without feeling that you have to carry everything alone. And if you're ready to explore what it looks like walking through that year together, book a discovery call. I'll put the link down in the show notes. Hey, for today, think of one person that you trust. Send the message. Let them know that you're still here. Amen. Hey, if today's episode helped you think differently, do me a quick favor. Give it a 5-star rating on Apple Podcasts or whatever app that you are using to listen to the show. Share this episode with a friend. And if you're ready to go beyond beyond listening and it's a real transformation, visit me out on stanshirtcoaching.com to explore my current offerings. Would love to just book a discovery call with you and see how we can work together.