Episode 95: Stop Living for Everyone Else’s Approval

You know, somewhere along the way, you just might have started giving people more authority over you, over your life, than you give yourself. You second-guess decisions. Maybe you hold back on your opinions. You avoid opportunities because you're worried about being judged. And sometimes, without even realizing it, you begin building a life around other people's expectations. Instead of your own values. But here's something that I want you to consider. The people whose approval that you're working so hard to earn may not be— they just might not even be thinking about you nearly as much as you imagine. I thought about that this morning when I went to go work out and I was doing my swim workout this morning. And thinking about why I prefer the pool rather than weights, or why I get in and I work out weights really, really quick. And I realized that those people, they're thinking about their own workouts. They're not thinking about my workout. You know, the freedom that you're looking for may begin when you stop asking others for permission Hey, welcome to the Stand Sure Coaching Podcast. I'm Rob Anderson, and I think of my life in 3 chapters. The first one, my service in the military in some of the most challenging environments of my entire life. The second chapter, 25 years of designing and delivering leadership development in both Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies. And now I'm in my 3rd chapter as a full-time life and leadership coach where I help people who feel stuck to rediscover who they are, transform how they live, and move forward with purpose. And that's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to StandSure Coaching. Hey, today we are talking about something That quietly influences nearly every area of our lives. And that's the fear of what other people think. And this isn't just about confidence or self-esteem. It's understanding why our brains place so much importance on acceptance. I also want to talk about how that influences our decisions and what we can do to regain ownership of our lives. In the podcast today, we're going to explore some fascinating psychology, including something that's called the spotlight effect. And while I'm doing that, I'm going to share 3 practical ways to begin changing your relationship with other people's opinions. And along the way, I'm going to give you a challenge. I'm going to challenge you with a few questions designed to help you become more aware of what's actually driving your decisions. And at the end, I'm also going to share an opportunity for those of us, or for those of you who are ready to go beyond simply understanding these patterns and begin creating lasting transformation. It's really It's about awareness. It's about intentional choices, and it's about meaningful action. Why do we even begin with what others think? And caring what other people think, That's actually pretty normal for us being human because we're social creatures and we're designed for connection. We're designed for relationships. And, you know, we have this sense of, or this need to belong. And from an evolutionary perspective, those connections were once directly tied to our survival. For most, you know, for much of our history, for most of our history, Being accepted by a group provided protection, resources, opportunities to survive, and being rejected can mean isolation and even danger. You didn't have protection of the tribe. So our brains developed powerful systems to help us recognize potential social threats. Research is showing and has continued to show That experiences of social rejection can activate some of the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain. And I want you to think about that for a moment. Your brain can treat the possibility of being excluded as something that is a genuine threat. And that, that helps us explain why criticism, rejection, disapproval, it all feels really, really uncomfortable. Now, the interesting thing is that most of us, we're not living in small prehistoric communities. In fact, I'd say the vast majority of us are not living like that. And we're not living in areas where rejection threatens our very survival. But our brains still respond to social situations as though something important is really at stake. I get this. I've been there. You walk into a room and you wonder whether people accept you. You share your thoughts or you share an opinion and immediately begin to question how it was received by the audience or the people in the room. Or you make a decision and start imagining what other people might say about it. You post something online and you find yourself checking to see if anyone's responding negatively to it or responding With a thumbs up, right? And before you know it, your attention has been shifted away from what you believe toward how you think others are going to evaluate you. This is where a normal human desire for belonging can become a pattern of seeking approval. And that pattern, it has a name. It can quietly Impact your life. It's called a spotlight effect. It's a psychological phenomenon. It helps explain why we often exaggerate other people's attention toward us. The spotlight effect describes our tendency to overestimate how much people notice how we look, what our appearance is, our behavior, our mistakes, our decisions. Imagine walking into an event and realizing That you're underdressed. Suddenly, you are convinced that everybody notices. Then you become uncomfortable. You begin watching how people react. You may even withdraw from conversations because you're— just because you're embarrassed. But here's something that you may not realize. The other people in that room are probably occupied in their own concerns. They're thinking about what They're going to say. They're thinking about or they're wondering how they're coming across. They're dealing with whatever happened earlier in the day. In other words, you might believe that you're standing under a spotlight when most people are actually focused on their own lives. And this doesn't just happen with clothing or social gatherings or meetings. It happens at work. It happens in relationships. It happens when you're pursuing a dream, when you're starting a business, when you're writing a book, when you're trying to begin a new chapter, when you're learning something new. Sometimes that fear of being judged, it becomes more powerful than the desire to move forward. And that's where awareness becomes incredibly important. Because you can't intentionally Change a pattern that you haven't learned to recognize. So shift 1, change the question. The first strategy is to change what you're asking yourself. When you catch yourself wondering what other people think about you, redirect your attention. Instead of asking, what are they thinking about me? Start asking yourself, what am I thinking about myself right now? And that may sound like a small distinction, But from a, from a mind shift aspect, it's a significant shift. You're moving your attention from an external source of approval toward your own internal awareness. And you're beginning to examine your beliefs rather than automatically accepting your fears. And this is where I want you to really consider a powerful question. Where in your life have you given someone else's opinion more authority than your own values? And by the way, I don't want you to rush past that question. I want you to really think about it. Think about your career, your relationships, your family, your personal goals. Perhaps you avoided a difficult conversation because you, you didn't want someone to be disappointed. Maybe you delayed pursuing something that That was meaningful, starting that business, writing that book. Maybe you spent years trying to become the person you believe everyone else expects you to be. Now think about what becomes possible when you begin making decisions based on your values rather than need for approval. That's a big step. Shift 2. Understand the filter. Recognize that other people's opinions are not necessarily truths. Every one of us views the world through a unique collection of experiences, beliefs, expectations, assumptions. Those experiences influence how we interpret behavior of others. Sometimes people project their own fears or insecurities onto someone else's. Sometimes they misunderstand our own intentions, and sometimes they simply see things just differently. Now, I want you to be careful here because not every criticism is projection, not every disagreement is unfair, and not every uncomfortable piece of feedback should be dismissed. Sometimes people see something We haven't yet recognized in ourselves. And that's why the goal isn't to ignore other people's opinions. The goal is to develop the awareness and discernment to determine which opinions deserve influence. You know, here's another question I want you to think about exploring. Whose opinions are influencing your decisions And what makes those opinions important to you? Because there may be people in your life whose wisdom and perspective deeply— that you deeply value. There may also be people whose approval you spent years pursuing without ever questioning why. And recognizing that difference can change the way you approach your relationships and decisions. I've got somebody that was in my life that for years I wanted their approval. I wanted them to see me as someone who who added value to their organization, someone who brought something fresh, something that, you know, and in the end, it didn't matter. Shift 3, practice disapproval. Now, by the way, I used to wear a kilt. I don't do it so much now. I do it out on dive sites when I'm changing, but I used to wear a kilt. This has to do with the 3rd strategy. 3rd strategy is to become more comfortable with the possibility of disapproval. And I want to emphasize the word practice, because— and that's because confidence doesn't usually develop simply by reading about confidence. It develops through experience. In psychology, gradual exposure is one way people can learn That situations they've been avoiding may be more manageable than they expected. I've got a good friend of mine. I wear a cowboy hat a lot. If you watch my videos, you see me in a cowboy hat a lot. Been doing cowboy hats since my grandparents took me down to a Western shop when I was in Arizona. And my cousin and I, we used to get our Western wear for the year at Easter time. Well, I got a friend of mine that was really self-conscious about wearing a cowboy hat. You're not a cowboy. Hey, I wear a baseball hat and I don't play baseball. So we just started doing some small exposure of him wearing a cowboy hat. Now he wears one all the time. I mean, it makes sense. Summertime here, it gets hot. You want to keep that shade off you, keep your face looking good. You don't get melanoma and that kind of stuff. Confidence doesn't usually develop by just reading about it. It happens through experience. When you repeatedly avoid something because it makes you uncomfortable, that avoidance can reinforce your belief that the situation is threatening. I had another friend that went through all the concealed weapons stuff, very self-conscious about carrying a weapon. He's great on the range, by the way. And we'd go do battle drills. He's phenomenal. But he kept reinforcing that carrying that sidearm to a point where he wasn't carrying it. When you approach a manageable challenge, you give yourself an opportunity to develop new learning. You begin to discover that discomfort is not necessarily a danger. You also find out that someone else's disappointment doesn't automatically mean that you've done something wrong. So I want you to go out, I want you to choose one small opportunity this week, this week, to act according to your values, even when someone else may not approve. Maybe you express an opinion that you've been holding back. Maybe you haven't posted something on Facebook. Maybe you're a person, you found something great in Scripture. You found an area where God's talking to you, but you don't post it because you're afraid of what your friends are going to say. Maybe you establish a reasonable boundary. Maybe you take that first step towards something that you've wanted to pursue for a really long time. Now, you don't have to be reckless. It doesn't have to be confrontational, but choose something that's meaningful. And notice your ability to move forward without having everyone else's approval. And over time, that confidence can influence far more than just your social interactions. Now, I want to take this a little deeper because the issue isn't simply whether you care what other people think. The deeper issue is what happens when you allow those opinions to determine Who you are. Think about how much energy it takes to constantly, on an ongoing basis, manage other people's perceptions. You're monitoring your words, you're monitoring your actions, you're adjusting your behavior, you're expecting criticism, and you're trying to control something that you can't. Imagine approaching life with a greater sense of clarity about who you are and what matters most. Now, you can still listen to feedback. You can still respect different opinions and perspectives. You can still care deeply about the people around you, but your identity would no longer depend on everyone else agreeing with you. And that's the difference between living for approval and living with intention. One keeps you reacting to the expectations of others. The other gives you that opportunity to lead your own life. I want to leave you with a thought from my own experience, and that's over the years, I've worn a lot of different hats. I served in the military, worked in corporate environments, led teams, pursued challenges that pushed me. Beyond my physical or my mental comfort zone. And one thing that I've come to recognize is that accomplishments, titles, recognition, they don't automatically answer the deeper question of who we are. It's possible to look successful on the outside while still struggling with the expectations we place on ourselves. It's possible to achieve something significant And immediately begin wondering whether it's enough. And that's why I believe awareness is so central to meaningful transformation, because the moment you begin to recognize what's driving your decisions, all of a sudden you create an opportunity to choose something different. Not because someone told you who you become, but because you're beginning to discover What truly matters to you. So as we begin wrapping up here, I want to offer you one final question. If you no longer need it to prove your worth to anyone, what would you choose to do different in life? What is it? What's that thing that you would do different? What would you tackle? What would you change? And I want you to consider that question, not, not just for today, but for the direction that you're taking over the next year. What conversations would you have? What boundaries would you establish? What opportunities would you like to pursue? What expectations would you just release? And maybe most important, what would you change in your relationship with yourself? Because the objective isn't to become someone who doesn't care, it's to become someone who cares deeply about the right things. Hey, if today's conversation has you thinking about areas in your life where you've been holding back, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you about what I've created at StandSure. It's called the One Year Transformation. Now, by the way, it doesn't take a year to start seeing results. Man, it's a whole year of results. It's making immediate changes. It's just that for that full transformation, man, a year that's dedicated to just you, conversations about you. And it's designed for people who recognize that simply knowing what needs to change isn't the same as actually creating that change. Because information alone rarely transforms a life. Transformation requires awareness, commitment, intentional action, and the willingness to challenge patterns that they've been avoiding for decades. It's a private 12-month coaching experience. 24 sessions where it's focused on just you. Imagine that, 45 minutes to an hour just about you and nobody else. We focus on 4 foundational pillars: faith, family, finance, and fitness. Not because those are the only important parts of your life, but because they represent areas that can have a profound influence. on your sense of purpose, fulfillment, direction. And it's not me telling you how to go live. It's about creating a space where you can develop greater awareness and explore your own answers. We work together, again, over an entire year because meaningful personal transformation isn't usually accomplished in just a weekend. Sure, you can do a reset and you can get a lot of awareness. If that sounds like the kind of commitment that you're ready to make to yourself, I invite you to schedule a discovery call with me. And together, we'll explore where you are today, where you want to go, and whether this coaching experience is even right for you. You'll find the discovery call link out there in the description. Hey, if today's episode helped you think differently, do me a quick favor. Give it a 5-star rating on Apple Podcasts or whatever app that you are using Thank you for listening. To listen. Share this episode with a friend. And if you're ready to go beyond listening and into real transformation, visit me out on stanshirtcoaching.com to explore my current offerings. Would love to just book a discovery call with you and see how we can work together.