Episode 86: One is the Loneliest Numbers

Hey, you want to know what really sucks? I mean, really, really, really sucks. It's when you don't have someone that you can just talk to, someone that— someone you can vent to without worrying about being judged. And not telling someone who's going to give you advice or give you counsel or they wind up trying to fix you. Just someone Who's gonna sit there, sit down, shut up, color, listen, give you enough room to actually say what's going on. Even, even if it— even if you get a chance to say things out loud that you don't really mean, but you just got to get them off your chest. Because sometimes what you need isn't an answer. Sometimes you just need a safe and honest place to get it out. And sometimes you need someone who knows how to ask the right question, asking the questions that pull out something that you didn't even realize was underneath everything else. And that's what I want to talk about today because I think a lot of people are carrying way more than anyone around them Hey, welcome to The Stand, your coaching podcast. I'm Rob Anderson, and I think of my life in 3 chapters. The first one, my service in the military in some of the most challenging environments of my entire life. The second chapter, my career in business and my life as a father. And the third chapter, my 25 life as a husband and father. That's right. years of designing and delivering leadership development in both Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies. And now I'm in my third chapter as a full-time life and leadership coach where I help people who feel stuck to rediscover who they are, transform how they live, and move forward with purpose. And that's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to Stan Schur Coaching. Hey, before we really get into this today, I— let me tell you what I want for you today. My outcome on this episode is, it's really simple. I want you to think about what you're carrying and whether you actually have somewhere that you can put it down. Not somebody who immediately gives you advice, not somebody Who's going to tell you what you should be doing, not someone who's going to consult you or counsel you, but somebody that you can have a completely honest conversation with. Maybe say things out loud that you would never say anywhere else, but it's all bottled up inside you. And then I want you to stay with me until the end because I'm just gonna be upfront with you. I'm gonna share with you A way that you and I, we can partner together, we can work together, if you realize that you need more than just one conversation. Because I've built a 1-year coaching experience specifically around transformation, and I'll tell you all about that before we finish. But before we get into that, before we get into that, we need to talk about something that most of us Are really good at doing, and that's carrying stuff. We carry a lot more than people see. I mean, just stop. Think, think about everything that you carry around in your head— work, money, aspirations, marriage, relationships, kids. Maybe it's your parents. Maybe it's expectations that are not being met, mistakes that you've made, decisions that you still have to make, decisions That you wish that you didn't have to make, or maybe decisions that you wish that you could go back and do it all over again. Things that you're just absolutely pissed off about. Things that you're embarrassed to share with other people. I'm not a big accountability guy or accountability partner guy. I'm a big accountability guy, but I'm not big into accountability partners because they want to fix you. And man, sometimes you don't know where that's going to wind up at. I've seen accountability partners wind up sharing secrets about somebody that totally devastated lives when all it was was just a conversation. But sharing things that maybe you're embarrassed about, you're scared of, things that you haven't even figured out how to describe yet. You can't put it into words. And then we go along, somebody's like, you know, hey, how are you doing? And we're like, oh, I'm good, I'm fine. I'm busy. I'm just working. Because what are we supposed to say? Is it like, well, actually, there are about 14 things running through my head right now, and I'm absolutely frustrated about 3 of them. I'm worried about another 4, and I'm not even sure what I'm feeling about the rest. We don't do that. We just tell people we're good. And we just keep moving on. And the problem, the problem with this is that the weight doesn't disappear just because we don't talk about it. We just get very— we get better at carrying stuff until the moment we don't, when it all comes out sideways, when it's the straw that broke the camel's back. And I think that's the part that we underestimate. You see, when we don't have somewhere productive to put what we're carrying, it tends to come out somewhere else. You get short-tempered, you withdraw, you stop talking, you bury yourself in work or projects, or maybe you scroll for hours, you drink, you eat, spend money. You know, do that shop therapy, you know, retail therapy thing, or Amazon therapy. Maybe you confide in the wrong person who doesn't have goodwill and intentions for you. And afterward you think, you know, after you snap, you're like, where did that come from? And it probably didn't come from what just happened. It came from everything else That happened before it, everything else that you've been carrying, that pressure has to go somewhere. And that's why having an honest and safe and confidential outlet matters. And again, it's not getting advice, it's not having someone fix you, it's a conversation. And there's, there's very important distinctions there. When I say that you need someone to talk to, I'm not saying that you necessarily need somebody to tell you what to do. That's actually one of the things I believe strongly about coaching. I'm not here to run your life. I'm not here to hand you my answers. And coaching, it's not consulting, it's not counseling, it's not therapy. It's a different kind of conversation. It's a place where you can think out loud. You can say something and hear yourself say it, even if you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I just said that. We've all said things out loud, or we've kept things bottled up inside of us. We just need a very non-judgmental place To say it out loud. Someplace where you can hear yourself say it. Where you can wrestle with an idea or admit that you're angry, admit that you're scared, admit that you just don't know. I've had clients go, hey, this doesn't even make sense. This is something I'm feeling. This is something I'm called to. This is something that I just got to talk about. And then they say it, and then together we can get curious about it. Because sometimes the first thing you say isn't actually the thing. There's something underneath it. That's where good— a good coach with good coaching questions becomes powerful. Not because the coach has the answers. But because the right question can help you find yours. Sometimes it's the right observation. I'll ask clients, hey, do you mind if I make an observation? I'm not just gonna blurt it out, right? I'm always gonna ask, hey, do you mind if I share something with you that I've noticed? Hey, I noticed that when you were talking about that, you rolled your eyes, you took a deep breath, your body got tense. Because the right question can help you find what you're looking for. And I see this happen over and over again. It's that conversation beneath the conversation. You see, someone, someone who comes into coaching and comes in that coaching conversation thinking they know what they need to talk about, Maybe it's their career. Maybe they're stuck. Maybe they're making a decision. Maybe they're having trouble with their, their spouse or their partner. Maybe it's lack of a partner. Maybe there's something happening in a relationship. Maybe there, there's, there's things that you're thinking about that you don't even wanna share with anybody else. Maybe there's an epiphany that you've had. You want to start a business, respond to a calling, open up a relationship, ask someone out for a date, have a conversation, close off a relationship. So we start the conversation. Then I'm going to ask a couple of questions, and then there's a pause. Sometimes it's a long pause. Most often I'll hear things like, hey, I never thought about it like that. Or, hey, that's a great question. Let me think about that for a moment. And that's the moment as a coach that I'm looking for, because now we're getting underneath the surface. Now we're moving from reaction to awareness, and awareness creates choice. And once you can actually see what's happening, Then you can decide what you're going to do with it. Y'all, that's where the transformation begins. But one conversation isn't transformation. Hey, here's another important distinction. Those powerful conversations, those create awareness. Those create clarity. And I never promised these, but sometimes they can create a breakthrough. And the breakthrough may not happen at that session. It may happen 2 or 3 weeks after we've talked, after we've had the conversation, after we've had the Zoom call. But normally transformation requires something more. Because after we close out the Zoom call, after we click off the phone, you still have to go back to life. You have to go back to home. You have to go back to work. You have to deal with the relationship, make the decision, change the habit, have that difficult conversation, set expectations, set boundaries, take the risk. Maybe it's doing that, that one thing you've been avoiding. And then come back and look at what happened. That's why I believe transformation takes time. You see, it goes like this. First, you become aware. Then you act. Then you learn. Then you adjust. Then you act again. And over time, you're not simply changing what you do, you're actually changing how you live. How do you do that? And sometimes you're rediscovering who you are underneath all the expectations, the responsibilities, the failures, the successes, the titles, the roles, the money, all that stuff that you've accumulated over the years. I was having a conversation. I just thought about this. I was having this conversation with a couple of other coaches the other day, and I specifically asked, you know, what's— if you had to sum up what you do, if you had to have like a mission statement, you know, everybody's got mission statements, I guess I should have one too. What would you say your mission statement is? And I don't know if this is the actual mission statement, but this is how I responded. I told Mike that I create a safe and honest place where people can have the conversations that they don't feel that they can have anywhere else so that they can rediscover who they are, transform how they live, and move forward with purpose. I'm thinking about it. Maybe that is a mission statement. But that's how and why I coach, is to have that place where people can talk out loud, where they can go beneath the surface. That's why you're going to hear me use a lot of diving metaphors, because I think scuba diving is a— at least with the circle that I run with, not everybody. And I use a lot of outdoor stuff. I use stuff around fire and water and everything else, right? But it's that going underneath the surface. And that's it. That's, that's the work. It's an honest conversation. It's a place where you can have that honest conversation. No advice, no judgment, no pretending that I know that you're, you know, that I know your life better than what you do. I'm not a sage. I'm not a guru. I'm not a guru. But at the same time, I'm not just going to sit there and nod my head. I'm going to ask you questions. Sometimes I'm going to ask you tough questions. I want to challenge your thinking. I'm going to help you slow down long enough to hear what you're actually saying so you can understand, or at least hear, maybe become aware Be aware of the words that are coming out of your mouth. And when you discover something important, we're going to explore what you're going to do with it. Because awareness matters, but action is what begins the transformation. Hey, that brings me back to what I promised in the very beginning. If you're still listening, Thank you so much. But you got to hear me out on this, okay? I told you up front I was going to share with you how we could work together. If you're sitting there listening to this and thinking, that's what I need, I need somewhere where I can actually talk, I need someplace where I can share, I need someplace where I can say the things I would not say to anybody else. I mean, ethically, I'm not going to talk about it. Legally, I'm bound by an agreement, by a contract that you and I signed. But if you're sitting there, you're saying, hey, that's what I need. If you're sitting there saying, I don't want to just feel better for an hour, I want something in my life to actually change. That is exactly why I created the One Year Transformation. That program has been built on my own experience of transformation. I got sick of just taking on a lot of information, listening to podcasts, reading books, going to seminars. It was actually putting it into action. That's why I created it. And then I started to see my own clients. I've got my own clients going through this, right? This isn't about trying to reinvent your entire life overnight. It's 12 months of intentional coaching focused on helping you rediscover who you are. It's a year to examine how you're currently living, decide what needs to change, and And then actually do the work in changing it. If it's fitness— oh, by the way, here's the 4 areas that it's wrapped around. It's wrapped around fitness, faith, family, and finances. You're trying to better a relationship, you're trying to start a business, you're trying to figure out what to do with your money because whatever you're doing right now may not It may mean better health, making better dietary changes. Whatever that looks like, it's 12 months of intentional coaching focused on helping you rediscover who you are. We have the conversations. We create awareness. You decide what action you're going to take. Then you keep working the process. Not for a week, not until the motivation wears off, but for a year. Because honestly, I'm not interested in giving you more information that you're going to collect. Yes, we're going to go through worksheets. We're going to talk about books to read. But I don't— I'm really not interested in giving you more data, more Where I am interested is creating the conditions where transformation can happen. So if you are tired, if you're honestly tired of just carrying everything around in your own head and you're ready to have some conversations that you may not be able to have anywhere else, Reach out. Take a look at the 1-year transformation. Go out to my website, stanshurecoaching.com. You know, if nothing else, book a discovery call. Let's jump on a Zoom call, talk for 30 minutes, see where you're at, see where I'm at, see if we're a right fit. Look, you don't have to have everything figured out before you start. That's kind of the point. We start with a conversation and then we see where that conversation takes us. Again, that ability to create a safe and honest atmosphere where you can have the conversations that you feel that you can't have anywhere else. And it's an opportunity to rediscover who you are, transform how you live, and move forward with purpose. One of the biggest things I see happening right now is that people don't invest in themselves, or they don't invest in themselves in the right ways. They'll go out and they'll buy stupid stuff to try to feel better. Fill those gaps. They'll do stupid things to fill those gaps. And you know it's stupid because afterwards you're like, oh man, that was really dumb. They'll buy more books, they'll listen to more podcasts, and they absorb all this information, but there's no transformation. Guys, just reach out, discovery call, StanStewartCoaching.com. Go under my offerings, book a call, or man, maybe you're really motivated I'm motivated. Let's go and just jump into this 1-year transformation. Let's move forward with this. 1 year, 4 areas: faith, fitness, family, finances. That could change your life for the next 10 years. All right, love you guys. Reach out.