Episode 94: Let the Good Happen

I don't know if I've actually defined my niche, and I've tried. I've tried to really narrow some things down. Even though I feel like I bounce around a little bit of those, and sometimes it's more of a broad stroke, or sometimes I'll focus in, one thing that keeps coming back is mindset. I actually had somebody call me a mindset coach the other day. I've never— That's a good one. I've never clung even remotely to that title or to that niche. But we were talking about how that there are good things that people go through, but they still feel hard to trust that good things are happening for them or going to continue to happen. Everything's about— You know, there's a lot of things around negativity and catastrophizing and, you know, maybe even sometimes guilt. If you're someone who's been through enough pain that good things feel hard to trust, hey, this is for you. Maybe something good has finally happened, or maybe, you know, a relationship starts going well. You get an opportunity. That you've been hoping for. Life gets a little bit quieter. Maybe life gets a little more exciting in a positive way for you. And instead of enjoying it, part of you starts thinking, all right, what's going to go wrong next? When's the next, you know, the light at the end of the tunnel is actually a train? When's the shoe drop? And you've gotten good at preparing for the worst. And the problem The problem is that you may have forgotten how to receive the good. Hey, welcome to the Stand Sure Coaching Podcast. I'm Rob Anderson, and I think of my life in 3 chapters. The first one, my service in the military and some of the most challenging environments of my entire life. The second chapter, 25 years of designing and delivering leadership development in both Fortune 500 and mid-sized companies. And now I'm in my third chapter as a full-time life and leadership coach where I help people who feel stuck to rediscover who they are, transform how they live, and move forward with purpose. And that's what this podcast is all about. Welcome to Stan Schurer Coaching. Hey, this is for the Eeyores and the Piglets that are out there, using a Pooh Bear analogy. My daughter, when she was growing up, or when she was a baby, was into Pooh Bear, and I always just thought that analyzing each one of those characters from a psych— you know, from the psycho— you know, the psychological aspect was always really interesting. I can pick out kind of who the— in my own life, who the Eeyores and Tiggers and Piglets and even the Pooh Bears Who those folks are. Hey, I want to talk about why some of us have such a hard time trusting good things when they happen. You know, we're, we're going to look at this through the lens of positive psychology and a little bit of neuroscience. And I'm going to give you, you know, Throughout this, I'm going to give you 3 practical things that you can start doing to change that pattern if that's you. And I want you to stay with me through that third one, because if you recognize this and you see it in yourself, or maybe you see it in someone you love, and you're like, yeah, I totally get what he's describing. And if you're ready to make a bigger change, I'm going to tell you how you and I can work together, how we can partner together. I'm always excited to do this work with with other people, and I think part of that you know more important what that work. Can create in your life. I'm gonna tell you, I'm gonna give you a little bit of a peek behind the curtain. One-year transformation. The one-year transformation. You'll start seeing some changes in a couple of months, but man, you're gonna look back after a year, and that year is gonna set up the next 5, 7, 10 years of your life. One year of dedicated work on nothing but transformation. Because honestly, the goal isn't pretending that bad things are never going to happen. The goal is becoming someone who can experience the good without constantly preparing to lose it. You know, I work with people every single day in private. Confidential conversations. And I see versions of this pattern all the time. Successful people, responsible people, people who other people depend on. From the outside, they may even— they may look like they've got it all under control, but internally, they're always scanning, they're scrambling. They're looking for like, hey, what did I miss? What could go wrong? Is somebody not happy about my success? Who's upset with me? What happens when this ends? What happens if it doesn't last? Man, I've seen people walk into relationships, great, loving, dynamic relationships, and after I start talking to them, they're like, yeah, any day. I know it's going to end. And there's zero evidence for it. Other than the fact that in their past, there's been that pain. You know, sometimes that pattern, that pattern, it developed for a really good reason. And I'm telling you firsthand, I've been a guy who lived this. If you've experienced enough disappointment, enough conflict, loss, instability, broken trust, your brain can become very good at looking at potential threats. There's a psychological concept called negativity bias. Yeah. Brooks and I are doing a course right now together called Reengage. We're probably going to wind up as facilitators for it at some point. But right now, it is us learning about each other. And last night, we did a— we had to rank where we are in certain areas of communication. And one of the things that came up for both of us is that we look for the negativity in things that are said because that's been a theme in our lives. Our brains give greater attention and weight to negative experiences and potential threats. And as someone who has studied survival psychology, it makes perfect sense. Missing something pleasant, that, you know, that's no harm, no foul. You know, it's not dangerous. But missing something that could hurt you? Oh, absolutely. But here's where it becomes a problem. You see, a survival mechanism can start to become a life pattern. I spoke to someone out at Quinn's Pond a couple of weeks ago who was dealing with anxiety and PTSD. I'd given him an invite for just a coffee chat. Wasn't even going to try to— we weren't at a point yet where we needed to do a discovery call and talk about a program. I know I could help her. But they never called. They never reached out. The things that we were talking about became life patterns. Those things that were survival, they became life patterns for her, and they were really disruptive. I know. Missing something pleasant, it's not dangerous. Usually it's not dangerous at all. Missing something that could hurt you, it is. You can get so accustomed to looking for what might go wrong that you barely notice what's actually going right. You know, probably the easiest way to explain this is that if someone gives you a compliment, And you dismiss it because you're waiting for the other part. You know, maybe they're gonna— you think they're gonna ask you for a favor, or you think that they're gonna follow it up with a negative comment. Or, hey, you know, you look really nice today. Can I give you some feedback? Hey, I noticed that you're at the gym 6 days a week. Can I tell you what you're doing wrong? Can I tell you what you're missing, what you're forgetting? Hey, thanks for making me breakfast. Oh, by the way, what you're serving is not diabetic-friendly. Maybe you're that person that, hey, if it works out, you call it luck. But when you accomplish something big, something significant, And instead of celebrating, you immediately move to the next problem. You got a relationship, it's going well, it's healthy, and you start looking for evidence that it's not gonna last. Finally get a chance for a quiet weekend, and somehow the quiet makes you really uncomfortable. Because right there in the background, you're waiting for a phone call, you're waiting for an argument, you're waiting for a bill to come in, you're waiting for some kind of bad news, waiting for that other shoe to drop. And when you live that way long enough, you can actually have difficulty enjoying the very things you work so hard to create. In fact, you kind of— there's almost like this— oh, well, there it is. When the other shoe does drop, when you get the phone call, when you get the bill. When you live that way and you live it long enough, you stop enjoying the things that you work so hard to create. And that's where positive psychology becomes useful. By the way, positive psychology, it's not about walking around pretending everything's great, singing Kumbaya, everything's wonderful. It doesn't tell us to ignore hurt or pain or disappointment or difficult circumstances. It asks a different question. Alongside everything that is difficult, What helps humans to flourish? What builds resilience? What strengthens relationships? What creates meaning? What helps us experience gratitude, experience accomplishment, experience connection, hope, purpose? Those are things That we can actually practice with intention. What you repeat it or what you are going to repeat on a regular basis. Yeah. See, when you notice it on a regular basis, What you practice in that, I mean, that it matters. And that doesn't mean that you can simply think positive and just erase everything difficult that's happening to you. It means that you can begin teaching yourself that difficulty is not the only thing worth noticing. Hey, I'm gonna throw a little bit of scripture in here. And it's something I've been doing lately on the podcast. Now, by the way, I'm not trying to push my faith onto you, but I gotta tell you, even just from a literature standpoint, from a wisdom standpoint, it's good stuff. But in the book of Philippians, chapter 4, verse 8, it tells us, Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—think about such things. Go out every single day. Find things that are true. Find things that are noble. Find things that are right. Find things that are pure. Find things that—they're lovely. And think about them. Keep those at the forefront of your mind. I'm in Boise, Idaho. It's October. I've got an 85-degree weather day. It's beautiful outside. You know, I think that there's something important In that scripture, and I think that there's something important in noticing the positive things. You know, by the way, it it doesn't say difficult things aren't real. It doesn't say to ignore your problems. It tells us to become intentional about where. We place our attention. So let me give you 3 ways to start doing just that. Tip 1, catch yourself bracing. The next time something good happens, pay attention to what immediately follows it. Maybe you have a great conversation with somebody. Maybe it's a great conversation with your spouse. But later you start replaying everything that you said. Did you say too much? Did you say something wrong? Maybe somebody tells you that, that they appreciate you, but your first instinct is to minimize it. Oh, it was nothing. We got to stop doing that because it is something. It's, it's enough of something that that person noticed it. Veterans, I'm gonna tell you straight up. I hear a lot of vets, man, I can't stand it when someone says thank you for your service. Guys, gals, you did something that less than a very small part of the population ever does. I don't know, I think I heard a stat that less than 1% of the population actually volunteers to go into the service. Now someone comes along and says, hey, thank you for your service. That's not just like saying hello or, hey, see you later. I'll talk to you later. That is a compliment. That is recognition. Embrace that. Your first instinct is going to be to minimize it. Maybe you get good news with your job or You know, where you work at, and in 5 minutes you're already thinking about everything that could possibly derail it. I need you to catch that moment. You don't have to judge yourself for it, just identify it. Just tell yourself, hey, I'm bracing. Then go in and ask yourself just one question. What evidence Do I actually have that something is wrong right now? Not what happened 5 years ago, not what somebody else did to you. What's happening right now? And that question brings you back into the present. You're not promising yourself That nothing bad's ever going to happen. You're just simply refusing to experience tomorrow's imaginary problems during today's good moments. Man, I did this. I have shared this story a little bit, but I did this where I actually put myself into AFib and had to get my heart jump-started. In the ER. Brooks was out on— Brooks was running a scuba trip. She was down in Belize. She was with really good friends. She was with her travel buddy, Kathy, and she had her other friends, Larissa and Becky, there. And I happened to hear something about a guy in the background. No real evidence. But let me tell you something, because I've been cheated on before and I couldn't see what was happening at that moment, I catastrophized. And I had a great conversation with my— at the time she was my girlfriend. She was having a great time. I was having a really good day, but I got to thinking about it. I got to working myself up, and I got to having imaginary conversations in my head of things that never took place. I had visions of things that were taking place with this other traveler that happened to be down there, not even really with her group. But just happened to be there. That, by the way, they had blown off and told him to keep his distance. And I let myself go to a state where I wound up in AFib and had to get my heart jump-started. And once Brooks found out about that, it kind of ruined her day. Hey, again, you're not promising yourself that nothing bad's gonna ever happen. You're just refusing to experience tomorrow's imaginary problems during today's good moment. Tip number 2, practice receiving the good. And it sounds really simple, but it's difficult. Again, going back to the vets, thank you for your service. When something good happens, say it for a moment. Don't minimize it. Somebody gives you a— the other day I got a $10 Starbucks card. It could have been real easy to dismiss that. I got it for— it was simple recognition of moving up to the front row. During a Toastmasters meeting. And I could have been like, oh cool, coffee card, whatever. Didn't really do anything for it. No, I was pretty happy about it because it was $10 that— I mean, hey, let's face it, when gas is over $5 a gallon, budgets get tight. Beef prices go up, budgets get tight. I love having a $10 coffee card. Now, even though I'm not a Starbucks drinker, Whoop, hit the mic. Sorry about that. Even though I'm not a Starbucks drinker, I got a good-looking woman at home that loves it when I pick up a coffee for her, when I'm out gassing up her car and washing her car for her on a Saturday morning. Having that gratitude, looking at the good things. Now obviously there was no bad with that. I mean, I guess I could have got bad with it. Starbucks, you know, they they do this and they do that. They don't like veterans or whatever, right? No, look at the good stuff. When something good happens, stay with it. Don't minimize it. Don't explain it away. Don't rush past it. If somebody compliments you, instead of saying it was nothing, try saying, "Hey, thank you," and just just stop right there. If you accomplish something that you've worked hard on, acknowledge it before setting the next goal. I gotta tell you, I'm horrible about this. Last year I got my captain's license, U.S. Coast Guard captain. I worked for 18 months for that certification. I was putting in time on boats, I was studying, I was doing navigation stuff, I was studying rules of the road, which by the way is like the encyclopedia of all the rules for out On the water, it's tough. It's got a high percentage fail rate first time through. Never celebrated it. Started going through all my, all my coaching courses to upskill, become an ICF accredited coach. I finished a really difficult course, man, I was on to the next one. Y'all, If you accomplish something that you've worked really hard for, acknowledge it before you start moving on to the next thing. You know, if you have a great evening with your family, notice it. Man, this weekend with Brooks, amazing. We have been so buried in getting projects done. We've had our own things going. She's got family members she's taking care of. I've got clients I'm taking care of. We had a fantastic weekend. Notice it. If somebody shows up for you, let yourself appreciate that. If you handle a difficult situation way better than you would have 6 months ago, recognize the progress. I've got a client that just gets overwhelmed, will not even text anybody, right? Won't answer emails, won't answer the phone. This last week, they've started re-engaging. Celebrate it. You could turn that into a daily practice, and at the end of the day, take it one step further and identify 3 things that went well. They don't have to be huge. Maybe you finished something that you've been putting off. Maybe somebody Called you, maybe you went for a walk, maybe you had a great cup of coffee, world's best cup of coffee, kind of like what happens in Elf, right? Maybe you simply handled today better than you handled yesterday. And the point isn't to manufacture happiness. The point is to stop allowing your brain to collect evidence only for what's wrong. Because there's another category of evidence. That things are working, people who care, progress that you've made, opportunities that are opening. That's a whole different category of evidence. Look, you're allowed to enjoy those things. Go enjoy them. Tip number 3, don't try to change every pattern alone. There are some things we can recognize on our own. There are other patterns that are incredibly difficult to see when you're standing inside of them. Every single one of my transformation or my 1-year transformation clients and every single one of my Built at Depth clients, we go through positive intelligence. Because we find out who the saboteurs are in your life. Being a victim, people pleaser, whatever it happens to be. There are patterns that are incredibly difficult to see when you're right there on top of them. And that's one of the reasons I do the work that I do. Coaching gives you a private, confidential space to slow down and look at the patterns underneath your decisions. And it's not for me to go tell you how to live your life. That's just not how I coach. My job is to ask the questions that help you uncover what you're not seeing, what you're protecting yourself from, what keeps repeating, what do you actually want? What's getting in the way? What needs to change? What is one small, bold move that you can make right now? And if you recognize yourself and what I've been talking about, and you're tired of the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop, Maybe the time to stop that pattern, or maybe it's time to not just manage the pattern, but to start changing it. And that's why my 1-year transformation, why I created it, it's what I designed it around. Over the course of a year, we work together to identify the patterns that are keeping you stuck. We get clear about what you actually want your life to look like. We identify the barriers that are standing between where you are and where you want to be. Then we start making intentional— we're going to co-create Moves to get you going in that direction. Small moves, bold moves, and we recognize and celebrate the outcomes along the way because I know you're not doing it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're like, hey, that's me. You're not celebrating those small moves because the payoff isn't a life where nothing difficult ever happens. Nobody, nobody can promise you that. The payoff is becoming someone Who can face difficulty without allowing it to dominate every good moment that comes along in life. Someone who can recognize progress and you can, you can trust. Someone who can celebrate a win with you. You don't have to brace for what's next. You don't have to ruin today's peace trying to prepare yourself for tomorrow's pain. Sometimes something good happens and you just don't catch it. Sometimes somebody really cares about you. And you just see it. Sometimes you really did earn the opportunity. Hey, again, if you're ready to explore what that kind of transformation could look like in your own life, schedule a discovery call. Let's have a conversation. We'll talk about where you are, where you want to go, and what may be standing in the way. And whether the 1-year transformation is the right next step, we're gonna decide that during that conversation. So until next time, do this for me. Pay attention to what's good, not because the hard things aren't real, but because they're not the whole story. Hey, if today's episode helped you think differently, do me a quick favor. Give it a 5-star rating on Apple Podcasts or whatever app that you are using to listen to the show. Share this episode with a friend. And if you're ready to go beyond listening and it's a real transformation, visit me out on standshirrcoaching.com to explore my my current offerings. Would love to just book a discovery call with you and see how we can work together.