Episode 69: Performance or Purpose- Breaking Free from the Need for Approval

Quit listening to people who don't want you to win. That's what we're going to be talking about. You know, today's episode is about one thing, and that's releasing the need to be seen a certain way so you can actually become who you're meant to be. Because people have in their head what they think that they want you to be. And, you know, that just, that causes all kinds of issues. I'm gonna break down why we obsess over perception and what it's doing to your nervous system, as well as your growth, and give you 3 practical shifts to move from performance To purpose. And at the end of this, if it hits, I'm going to tell you how we can go a little bit deeper together. So let's get into this. There is a silent addiction that most people have, and it's not alcohol, it's not money, but it's approval. The need to control how you're perceived. Now, I get it. There's, you know, you always want to make a good first impression. And, you know, there's certain, there's certain norms, and, and I get that. And that's not what we're talking about. What we're talking about right now is way, way beyond that. You think that you're being strategic, you think that you're being thoughtful, but if you're honest, a lot of your mental bandwidth is spent rehearsing conversations, rewording text, explaining decisions. And all those things that, that, you know, they don't need defending. And, and you're trying to manage how others interpret you. It gets exhausting. Now, again, there's norms, all right? And, and I'm talking what's, what's actually beyond that. Here's the psychological tension that your brain goes through. That psychological tension is Your brain's actually wired for belonging. Go back to when we were in great big caves making itty-bitty fires. From an evolutionary standpoint, rejection, at one point it meant danger. Isolation meant that you were vulnerable. You're getting kicked out of the clan, you're getting kicked out of the tribe. By the way, that's clan with a C before people start hopping on me. So what happens is your nervous system still reacts, and it's reacting to that social disapproval as if it's a threat. When someone misunderstands you, in your brain, your amygdala lights up, cortisol rises, your body shifts into protection mode. And that's why criticism feels physical. That's why being misjudged, it keeps you up at night. I mean, think about the times that you've posted something out there on Facebook and then you're like, oh my gosh, man, maybe I don't post that. Maybe I don't post the way I really feel. And I've been going through a struggle with this. In a later podcast, I'm going to share my story around this, but it's really— it's hidden who I really am. And meant to be and who I was born to be. Because I would look at a posting or I would even comment on a post and go, you know what, I'm going to take a lot of heat for that. My wife just went through this. So she had posted comments on her opinions about the Bad Bunny Super Bowl. Uh, halftime show. And she had people that had never really— I mean, she'd known them since high school, but had not ever really reached out to her since then and just started pounding on her. Now, she's had a ton of victories from, you know, when she was doing jewelry sales to her scuba diving adventures to, you know, how she's helping me in my coaching business. All those are different victories, right? And these people had never posted to her page before until they were looking to cut at her. And that criticism that she got, she was actually— I mean, she felt that physically. And what it was doing is it was actually deterring her from posting how she really felt. And that's like a lot of us. I went through that too. And again, like I said a moment ago, that's why being misjudged, it keeps you up at night. Here's, here's the problem. Your nervous system is constantly trying to protect your image, and, and it can't— it can't do that while trying to expand your identity. You wind up performing At the sacrifice of evolving. Because if you're trying to do both at the same time, it gets really exhausting. You know, there's a neuroscience layer to this. The brain is predictive. It builds models of who you are, you know, based, based upon your reputation. And when you keep acting in ways That gain approval or maintain approval, your brain strengthens that identity loop and begins to say, this is who I am, this is how I survive, this is how I stay safe. And neuroplasticity works both ways. You can wire yourself for courage, or you can wire yourself for conformity. I'm going to say it one more time. You can wire yourself for courage, or you can wire yourself for conformity. That's good. You can either be stepping out or you can be going along with the crowd. So how do you shift? Well, here's 3 moves for it. Number 1, first, anchor to values, not validation. Values stabilize you internally. Validation stabilizes you externally. Research in self-determination theory shows that autonomy and internal alignment drive long-term motivation far more than external praise. When you act from your values, not the external praise, but when you act from your values, your brain experiences coherence, and coherence reduces stress and increases resilience. So instead of asking, how's this going to look? Ask, does this align with who I'm becoming? That question alone builds identity strength. It's a question I talk to with— I use this question with my clients when they're talking about a big decision and they're sharing that, or they're looking at changing paths. Maybe it's something in transition, maybe it's career, maybe it's a relationship. One of the key questions that I ask on a fairly routine basis is, does it align with who you're becoming? And that question builds identity strength. Number 2, let discomfort train you. We've talked about discomfort a lot on this podcast, but let it train you. When you're misunderstood, your nervous system flares, and that's normal. But in all honesty, that growth lives in that flare. You see, emotional regulation research shows that when you allow discomfort without immediately reacting, you strengthen the prefrontal cortex. And how it controls over emotional impulses. So to put that in layman's terms, you're basically building psychological maturity because not everything needs a rebuttal. Not every comment needs correction. And sometimes silence is the strength. I am finding this out as I, as I look at postings that Hit me with an emotional charge. Oftentimes what I will do, many, many times what I do is I will actually type it out and I'm like, screw it. And I exit out of it. You don't have to respond to everything. And sometimes that strength becomes silence, or that silence is really your strength. Now, is there a time to stand up? Absolutely. That's not what I'm saying here. But when you stop chasing the last word, you start reclaiming your power. Number 3, make time and resources available to invest in a coach. Hey, let's get practical. Most people don't lack awareness, they lack structure. You can read books, you can listen to podcasts, You can journal, and all that stuff is good. It's all stuff that, that I recommend. But blind spots are called blind spots for a reason. Your brain protects your current identity, and it's going to rationalize your avoidance, and it's going to justify staying small. And it just might even tell you that later is fine. And what I find with my clients is that coaching disrupts all that. There's powerful evidence around accountability and behavior change. When, when you commit financially and structurally to growth, your follow-through increases dramatically. When you speak your goals out loud to another human who is trained to challenge your thinking, your clarity deepens. When you've got someone sitting across from you, or they're on a Zoom call, sitting at a fire pit, doing this online, when someone reflects your patterns back to you without judgment, your awareness accelerates. I had a client today that had gone through, you know, we had a coaching session last week. They had kind of a trying Monday. We knew that trying Monday was going to come up. So we just set up— we set up a 30-minute meetup. That's all we did. They're here in the local area. Most of my clients are actually outside of where I live, but they're close by. So we did a quick meetup. When you speak your goals out loud to someone who's trained to challenge you, this whole world opens up much more clear. When you're hearing back or you're getting an opportunity to reflect on your patterns without judgment, again, your world of awareness accelerates. See, as a coach, I'm not there to manage your image. I'm actually going to help you dismantle it. And in doing that, I'm going to help you separate ego from purpose, separate fear from intuition, and reaction from intention. And, and here's the truth that most people don't want to hear. If you don't allocate time and resources to your development, you're signaling to yourself that your growth is optional. I'm going to say it one more time. If you don't allocate time and resources to your own development— see, here's the thing with a lot of my adults, man, they'll spend thousands of dollars for their kids to play travel ball or to be in band. Or something to do with, you know, with science. I mean, they will invest in other people. They'll invest in automobiles and houses and hobbies, but they don't invest in themselves. And not just from a financial standpoint, but, but taking the time to do it, taking the time to grow. If you don't allocate time and resources to your development, you're signaling to yourself that growth is optional. And that growth, it's not. If you want a different life, you have to invest differently. And you need everyone, including yourself, to understand you. And that's where things like internal clarity and nervous system strength— with coaching, that's what you're getting. You, you need some support that's going to challenge you to expand. I had a client last night, that's exactly what we did, and we started from the discovery call. And honestly, it's not a sign that you're off track. It's usually a sign that you're growing. The more you evolve, the more some people are going to misunderstand you. Again, that's not being off track. You're growing. Hey, if this resonated with you and you're ready to move from performance— let me say that again. If this is hitting home for you, right? If it's resonating with you, you're ready to move from performance to purpose, I would love to work with you. What I'm asking you to do is book a discovery call. Let's build structure around your growth, wire in courage, and get you more aligned with who you're actually meant to be. Make sure you go out to www.stanshuercoaching.com. And there's a link on there to book a discovery call. Would love, love the opportunity to work with you.