Episode 74: D&D for Youth Clients

All right, gonna just tell you up front, the audio is a little off on this because I was driving along talking to one of the parents of one of my clients. So it's a teenage client, and after a really great conversation, I thought, man, I've, I've got to share this. And so I, I pulled over in a parking lot, and I'm just gonna lay this down. It's what I've been doing What I've been doing with this client is I've been coaching them through using D&D, Dungeons and Dragons. And it's not my only client, it's not my only teenage client I do that with. I've got 3 clients that I coach with using that methodology, and then I have an adult that we use D&D. So today I want to talk about— I want to talk about it, and it surprises a lot of people when they first hear it, that I'm using D&D. As, as a coaching tool, especially with my youth clients. Now, before somebody rolls their eyes and says, wait a minute, you're playing games with kids? Yes, absolutely, I'm playing games with kids. Hey, welcome to Stand Sure Coaching. My name is Rob Anderson. I'm your host of the Stand Sure Podcast. Hey, my journey has been defined by 3 distinct chapters. Chapter 1 began with my time in the military, where I learned the true meaning of leadership and resilience in some of the most high-pressure environments. Then on to Chapter 2, I transitioned into corporate America, serving as a learning and development professional And leadership coach for Fortune 500 companies. Now I'm in my third chapter dedicated to helping men navigate their own transitions, rediscover their purpose, and find what it means to lead with conviction in their second half of life. So again, pulled over in a parking lot. I'm at a Fred Meyer. And I, again, I just want to share this with you. And, you know, I could hear a parent out there saying, and this was my fear, was like, wait a minute, I bought coaching for my kid. I didn't buy time for you to be playing games with my kids. But I am. And here's the reason. I've got buy-in from all my parents that I do this with. And again, from my adult client that I do this with. There's a reason. And let's focus on the kid part here. It's because sometimes a child, you know, a teenager is gonna tell you more through their character than they ever will sitting across from any adult saying, so, you know, how are you feeling today? And I You know, I want to take a moment and just remind everybody, you know, this isn't therapy. It's not replacing mental healthcare. This is coaching. It's opportunities for guided reflection. And I'm leveraging experiential learning through storytelling and role-playing. And honestly, I've seen kids develop confidence, communication skills, emotional regulation, teamwork. And one client, I've watched their creativity grow. And the other, their decision-making becomes faster. And, and we're doing all that through guided roleplay. And that's happening and being much more successful than those traditional conversations. You see, D&D, D&D creates something that most kids desperately need, and that's a psychologically safe environment to experiment with their identity. Their identity, their leadership, their courage, their failure. And if you're familiar with D&D, even just on a little bit of a level, let's think about what happens in a D&D session. A kid has an opportunity to create a character, and that character has strengths, it has weaknesses, the character has fears, values, has a backstory, has a history. Now suddenly they're navigating They're solving problems, they're communicating with others, they're making decisions inside this fictional world where failure's not going to destroy them. And that matters because a lot of kids today, they're terrified. They are absolutely mortified of failure in real life. And maybe my experience was different. And I guess now that I'm thinking through it, it wasn't so much different. I remember as a kid being afraid of failure. What we're seeing today though is that we see a lot of kids that are overwhelmed socially. They're overstimulated by the digital devices, the phones, the games. They are in this world of constantly comparing themselves to others online. We live in a world right now where people are afraid to speak up, man. If you're, if you're on the wrong side of an issue, you know, you get, you get doxxed and you get canceled really quick. So kids are afraid to speak up. They're afraid to be wrong. They're afraid of disappointing not just their parents. But their peers. But the cool thing is inside role-playing, what I'm finding is that they'll take risk. Now, not at first. Man, at first they're just, they're kind of docile. And I have to remind them, you know, you're part of this community of heroes. And you've got these amazing powers. So then they'll finally, after a while, after 1, 2 sessions, they'll start taking risks and those risks become growth. I've got one client, teenager, for 4 months barely spoke. I would just have to drag Absolutely drag responses out of them. They're quiet, they're withdrawn, they're hesitant. But that's when I started introducing D&D. And what I found is that their characters slowly started becoming more vocal, started protecting others, started negotiating with some of the NPCs or non-playing characters. They started making leadership decisions. And what was truly fascinating about that was watching that behavior slowly transfer outside of the game because that's the— that's where the real work is, right? We use the game to help build that confidence and then we have to be able to go from the game board to the real world. You know what happens is that confidence is built through repetition and emotional safety. And that D&D environment that I created does both. Another huge advantage is emotional regulation. You know, I'm sitting here thinking about it and, you know, people don't realize how many coaching opportunities arise in those games. You know, when a player gets frustrated or things don't go their way or You know, they can't pick a lock or they lose a battle with a monster. The dice don't roll their way. Their whole plan just collapses. Now what I can do is I can pause and coach through that moment. And, you know, and I'll ask things like, you know, hey, how does your character respond? And, you know, right now for the character and you, I'll separate out what emotions are showing up. How do you recover from a setback? And that is real-life resilience training disguised as a role-playing adventure. And what's happening is The people I take through this, the kids I take through this, they engage because it doesn't feel like a lecture. Where I'm sitting at right now, I'm watching 2 teenagers sitting in a car. One's driving, one's the passenger, and they're both glued onto their phones right now. And it makes me realize that with what I'm doing with my clients, that one of the powerful advantages that they're getting is social development. You know, I, I see a lot of youth and even young adults struggle with conversation skills or reading social dynamics or dealing with conflict, maybe even collaborating together. Now, not with my clients, but with other people, what I found is that D&D forces healthy interaction. The game nights and adventures that I attend, Yeah. On my own. And I'm walking, literally walking into communities where you have people who have social awkwardness and kind of nerdy and kind of geeky. And I mean, I fit that as well. But what I'm finding is that, I mean, you've got to listen to each other and sometimes you've got to negotiate and you can't be the person that's taking on all the attention and you have to work together. Sometimes you've got to solve problems collectively. You know, unlike Facebook and Instagram and TikTok and other social media, you get immediate feedback from humans at a table. You're not waiting for the likes to come in. You're not waiting for that dopamine response off of the number of likes or comments. You're at a table. And you get face-to-face feedback. But you know, also in that, there's something that is incredibly powerful about exploring your identity. Because what I'm finding is that my clients and even the players I watch, they'll do one of two things. They either create The opposite of who they currently believe that they are, or they create what they wish that they could be. You know, the anxious kid, the nervous kid winds up as a, as a, you know, like a brave warrior. Or a kid that's insecure becomes like this really charismatic bard. You know, a kid who's isolated becomes the one who's protected. And over time, you start hearing statements like, you know, I think my character would stand up for themselves, or my character wouldn't let someone talk to them like that. And eventually the conversations became, you know, become, you know, I statements. I statements. And me statements and we statements. You know, it goes from third person to first person. And then my conversations with them is, you know, well, what if you did do that? You know, it's also teaching critical thinking. And teaches consequences. What happens is every decision matters, and kids learn something that they don't always get a chance to learn now. And I believe it's the fault of my generation and the way we've parented, because they start picking up on things like, hey, if I do something, it's got consequences. And consequences can be good or bad, right? So actions have consequences. They have outcomes. Talking to people, you know, communication matters. Being prepared, showing up for a session, being prepared matters. Trusting others, those things matter. And they learn it, you know, they learn it through experiences and not just reading about it or hearing about it or being lectured about it. And honestly, some of the best conversations that I've had with my young clients They've happened after the game session. It's not during combat or it's not during the quest. It's after we finish up. It's during the debrief. They talk about their courage or their fear or how they felt like there's a friendship or a kinship there. I see their confidence. They talk about their failures. They talk about their responsibility. It's all because playing through that game It lowers defenses. You know, for thousands of years, we've taught values through stories. Aesop's Fables, you know, all those childhood stories that had values attached to them. If you look at, if you look at in religious writings, if you look at the Bible, It teaches values through storytelling. What I'm doing with D&D is simply just a modern interactive version of that process. Now, by the way, this isn't always easy. Are there challenges? Absolutely. Because what I have to do as both a coach and the person who's leading the game Is I have to be able to structure the environment really, really well. I've got to be able to set boundaries. I need to go into it with intention. I need to be— I still need to be aware of, you know, like any coach, have that emotional awareness as the facilitator. You know, look at the things that aren't being said. You know, it's not just About chaos and rolling dice. It's guided experiential coaching. And every adventure has got a purpose behind it. And I customize it to that client. You know, sometimes I'll intentionally design scenarios around, you know, conflict resolution or leadership or trust building, having healthy communication, problem solving. Courage under pressure. And my young clients usually don't even realize until the debrief that they're practicing life skills. They're just trying to escape a dungeon or explore a dungeon or explore a castle or resolve conflict in a tavern. Which, by the way, they don't drink alcoholic drinks. We serve apple juice and hot chocolate. But that's why it works so well for kids who struggle in those traditional environments, especially, especially my neurodivergent kids. Kids that are dealing with anxiety or social struggles or rebuilding confidence. Kids who feel misunderstood and disconnected. Man, I, I really wish I would have had this opportunity as a teenager. I wanted to play the game so bad and just couldn't find it, just couldn't find a circle to play in. Because what I want to do is I want to make sure that whether it's with me or if they go someplace to play it after they've learned, is it gives them a place to belong. And man, I got to tell you what, Belonging changes people. You know, if you're a parent, a youth leader, an educator, and you're listening to this, I encourage you to not dismiss healthy role-playing games as just a whim or just as a fantasy. Because there's, there's leadership development happening there and there's communication development, there's emotional development, creativity, confidence, teamwork, and even resilience. You know, we live in a world where so many kids are disconnected, they're isolated, they're nervous, they're anxious, they're depressed, They're overwhelmed. And just either sitting around a table pretending to fight dragons, or the way I do it over Zoom, walking them through an adventure, sometimes that's the safest place that they have felt all week. And I gotta tell you, that matters. More than what most people realize. It, you know, it really matters to those kids who now feel like that they've got a place. Hey, I'm going to tell you straight up. If this resonated, I would love to take this into a deeper conversation. If you've got If you've got a kiddo that you feel is disconnected or overwhelmed or anxious, I would love to start a coaching relationship with them. That growth that starts with a character sheet and a handful of dice and a kid finally realizing that they can become The hero in their own story. I want you to reach out. I'd love to have a conversation and see if we're a good fit. And in many cases, I'll wind up coaching both the youth as well as the parent. And hey, if you want, I'll play D&D with you too. All right, that's all I've got for this episode. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.