Episode 79: Why Rumination is Keeping You Stuck

I will bet that there are people listening to this podcast who has replayed the same conversation 100 times. The argument, the betrayal, the business mistake, the relationship that ended years ago, that toxic relationship that ended years ago, or maybe it was just months ago. And you keep telling yourself that you're trying to figure it out, you're trying to get through it, and maybe you've talked to counselors. But what if every replay is actually making it harder to heal? Today, I want to talk about one of the biggest obstacles. to personal growth, which is rumination. Why it happens, what the science says about it, and how you can finally break free. Hey, welcome to StandSure Coaching. My name is Rob Anderson. I'm your host of the StandSure Podcast. Hey, my journey has been defined by 3 distinct chapters. Chapter 1 began with my time in the military, where I learned the true meaning of leadership and resilience In some of the most high-pressure environments. Then on to chapter 2, I transitioned into corporate America, serving as a learning and development professional and leadership coach for Fortune 500 companies. Now I'm in my third chapter, dedicated to helping men navigate their own transitions, rediscover their purpose, and find what it means to lead with conviction in their second So rumination is the word. And real quick, on that intro, I know that I, I talked about that I'm— my focus area is men 33 to 55. But especially when it comes to this topic, the majority of my clients that I work with are women. Now, that doesn't negate men out of it. But it— I don't know. I— and I'm really interested in why I have more clients that are women. Working through. And it's, in every case, it's been a toxic relationship. But just, just one of the interesting things I'm finding in my research. And it intrigued me enough that about 2 months ago, I started building out a coaching offering, which I'm now, I'm now able to provide. And I'll talk about that at the end of the podcast. But rumination, it's, it's one of those invisible habits that quietly steals your peace. It steals your confidence. And believe it or not, it steals your future. So let's dive in. So rumination is actually the habit of repeat, you know, you keep thinking about, your thinking process is on repeat. And it's about painful experiences, it's about mistakes, it's about disappointments. Maybe it's worries without moving toward a solution. Now, I used to have— I used to have this. I mean, I used to really, really deal with it. And a lot of it came out of childhood. I talked to counselors, counselors didn't work. And it wasn't until I started talking to a coach that I really started moving forward. And I had to deal with things that happened to me in high school. And it's why I've really had an interest of working with— really working with people That are stuck. They're just stuck in this area. And they keep, you know, again, they keep thinking about the mistakes and the trauma and the pain and the worries. And I want you to notice something. It's not healthy reflection. You know, we talk about, you know, reflecting on our past and moving forward. Rumination is totally different. Because reflection's gonna ask, hey, what can I learn? Rumination, completely different. It's what happened to me. With reflection, you get wisdom. With rumination, you get exhausted. You get fatigued. You get to where, I mean, you actually feel it in your body. Reflection doesn't do that. Rumination, you actually feel that in your body and it hurts and it drags you down. It zaps your energy. It drains your batteries. And while this is going on, your brain is— your brain's working against you. It convinces you that the more you replay it, it's going to finally produce an answer. But most often it doesn't. So instead, it just keeps you emotionally connected to something that you can't change. Now, I was down at my storeroom today and going through a lot of things that it's just time to get rid of. There's a lot of memories down there. Now, there's a lot of stuff I don't need. I'm donating stuff. I'm selling stuff. But it's those pieces of paper. It's those notes. It's those pictures. And what happens is even— I mean, and I wrote a course on this. I coach people on this. Even myself, I found myself being emotionally connected to things that I can't change. You know, when I was building out my coaching offering, I did a lot of research on this. Again, it's an area that I'm fascinated about and I love coaching people around. I love watching people move forward. But it was around 2000, I found some research that came out of, I think it was around 2000. And the author of the research Susan Nolan-Hoeksema. She published something that was groundbreaking. Her landmark research showed that people who, as a habit, ruminate on experience longer, and that longer-lasting emotional distress, are more likely to struggle with depression, with anxiety. They get triggered. And rather than people going back to the past and finding recovery, when they keep replaying those painful events, it actually slows the emotional healing and makes it harder to move forward. I want you to think about that. I'm gonna say it again. Replaying painful events slows emotional healing and makes it harder for you to move forward. Every replay is just strengthening that neural pathway. And we've talked about neural pathways in the past. They, they can start out as a path, like a little footpath in your brain, if we want to use that metaphor. Then they become a little wider bicycle path. Pretty soon they become a road. Then they become a superhighway. Because every replay keeps telling your brain, hey, this is important. So keep bringing it back. And then your nervous system begins responding just as if that event Was still happening. I've wound up in rooms with people that were either toxic or in the case of meeting up with people that I went to high school with, people that were just outright mean to me, people that are nasty, people who did really, really unkind things to me. And after all the schools I've been through with the military, Jumping out of airplanes. I'm a diver. I'm a pilot. I've got my mariner's license. I'm a captain. None of that mattered because I was back in the room with that person. It took me back to that person I was until I found a way forward. And that's why I created that coaching offering. What happens is your body can't distinguish between remembering a threat and actually experiencing one. And, and that's why an old conversation can still raise your heart rate years later. You know, you hear a voice, you hear a smell. I mean, I don't want to classify it as PTSD. We'll keep it at rumination, but it brings you back. It triggers you, brings you back. And our brains naturally pay a lot more attention to negative experiences than positive ones. That's fact. Your brain remembers the negative ones because it doesn't want to repeat it. It's a survival mechanism. That was something I learned. A lot of you know that, that I was doing my doctorate in survival psychology, and that's one of the things that we learned. And— or that I found out through my research was that our brains pay a lot more attention to the bad things that happen than the good things that happen. You know, from an evolutionary perspective, remembering danger is what kept our ancestors alive. The problem is that today, the dangers we face are really more about emotions. Now, in some cases, it is physical. But in the case of toxic relationships, are people gaslighting us? Are people making us feel insignificant? And that's not to take away from, from people doing horrendous things. I mean, even something like punching a hole in the wall next to our head, or actually physically harming us, or pulling a weapon out. You know, today's dangers look like things like, you know, criticism or failure or embarrassment or rejection. And your brain holds on to those moments because it believes they're important for survival. And there's another reason. The brain prefers things that are familiar, even if that familiarity is painful. Because sometimes, you know, we'd rather revisit yesterday's pain than And face tomorrow's uncertainty. And that's why people, you know, they replay old relationships instead of risking new ones. That's why you'll see people go back. You know, they've been in a toxic relationship and they still go back to that person. And even if they don't physically go back to that person, emotionally they're still connected back there. They will relive career failures in their career. I did this with a failure in one of my careers. Again, it's why I like coaching people that are going through this because I've been through it. But they'll relive those failures instead of looking for the next opportunity and they stay trapped in the stories that they've already survived. Now, here's the difference between thinking and healing. And it's something I tell coaching clients all the time. Thinking about your pain is not the same as healing from your pain. Because healing requires movement. I'm not even sure I even like the word healing. I like moving forward. But with rumination, it's like sitting in a rocking chair. You're moving constantly, but you're not going anywhere. Or imagine that you're trying to drive your car while you're looking at the rearview mirror, and eventually you're going to move what's directly in front of you. Now, granted, your past deserves a glance, but not your permanent attention. So how do you stop? How do you break the cycle? Well, I think you have to stop Well, first, the very first thing you do, you have to notice the thoughts instead of becoming your thoughts. I want to say that again. Notice your thoughts instead of becoming your thoughts. You know, rather than saying, hey, I'm a failure, try saying, I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that I'm a failure. You know, people that I coach that have been in toxic relationships, this is a tough one because they keep going back. And yeah, they might go back to some of the good times, but really what they go back to is they go back to those trauma events. Remember, we learn more from pain than what we do pleasure. But just stopping and saying things like, I'm not I'm noticing I'm having a thought that— whatever it happens to be. That tiny shift begins to create distance. You're observing the thought instead of living inside the thought. Second, and it's going to be tough, I want you to ask yourself, really be honest, is thinking about this improving my life? And if the answer is no, ask a better question. What's one action that I can take today? What's one action that distances me from that relationship or that thought? Movement interrupts rumination. Movement interrupts rumination. You got to take action because action creates momentum and momentum builds confidence. Confidence changes identity. Remember, one of the central themes I use in my coaching is not information, it's transformation. So let me tell you how coaching helps. And this is where coaching becomes incredibly powerful. People often think that coaching is about giving advice, and I've said again and again, it is not giving advice. It's not being there, you know, it's not therapy, it's not consulting, it's not counseling. And instead of telling you what to do, I'm going to ask you questions that help you recognize the thinking patterns that are keeping you stuck. Clients don't need more information. They need a different perspective. They need someone to notice the assumptions that they're accepting as truth. They're believing their own story. Instead of being the superhero in their story, they're being the victim. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that as a reality. They're not the hero. They become the victim. They become the person who's getting harmed, the person who's getting hurt, the person who's being victimized. Coaching helps them rise up out of being the victim to being the champion. Working with my clients, what I find is that they need accountability to take one small step instead of replaying that story again and again. We wind up shifting the conversation from why did this happen, and that's a therapy and counseling approach. And I'm not dissing counseling and therapy. I think it's good. I think coaches— I think good coaches— now, by the way, you got a lot of fly-by-night coaches, people who, who think that they're coaches, pseudo-coaches, people out there giving advice and recommendations. That's not coaching. But it's shifting the question from, why did this happen, to, hey, where I'm at today, what I want to create next. And that, that right there is where transformation begins. It's not by denying the past, but refusing to let it define you. To let the past dictate your future. So I got a challenge for you, and I don't do this often on the podcast, but I should. I should do it more often. Here's your challenge. The next time that you catch yourself replaying that old hurt, I want you to pause. I want you to pause and just ask yourself, Am I solving this problem or am I rehearsing it? Am I reliving it? Am I solving the problem or am I rehearsing it or possibly even reliving it? Then identify one action that moves your life forward. Right now, today. It might be reaching out and starting coaching. It might be a phone call that you make to someone. It might be a workout. It might be a difficult conversation. It might be turning a job application in if this has been something that's been dealing with on a career. It might be an act of forgiveness. What you're gonna find is that tiny actions break Massive cycles. Hey, as we wrap up here, you know, your past may explain part of your story, but it doesn't get to write the rest of it. The more you replay yesterday's pain, the more power you give it over today. Keep the lesson, release the loop, but build a future. Hey, if you're ready to stop living in your past and start intentionally creating your future, I would be honored to partner with you as we go through that process. You can learn more at StanSherardCoaching.com. Out there on that page, when you go to StanSherardCoaching.com, go look at my offers or coaching offers, and in there I have got a workshop. around rummaging, getting over the past. I would love it. But you know what? Even more important, don't sign up for the class. I do not want you to sign up for the class right now. Instead, what I want you to do is set up a discovery call. Let's talk. Discovery call doesn't cost you anything. Let's do a discovery call and let's just make sure we're a right fit before you go out and spend money on a course or a coaching offer. All right, that's all I've got. Hey, if you're living in the past, I want you looking towards the future and I would love to be a partner in that. Have a wonderful week. Thank you.