Special Episode: Anatomy of a Coaching Session

Hey, I was kicking around today and, you know, this evening just out walking around, I had a chance to talk to a few people about coaching and there's a lot of confusion about what a coaching session might even be like. So I thought, you know, I have— I actually have a recorded coaching session that I'm going to use with permission and I think it will help people better understand what happens in a coaching session and how we get to, you know, really how that coaching session progresses. So you're going to be a special guest to get to listen. Again, this is done with permission. This is a coaching session, totally transparent here. This is a coaching session. That I did with my wife, and I was doing it for one of my ICF accreditations. And so I thought it'd be a good one to, to share so you can just better understand what takes place. It's not advice giving, it's not counseling, it's not consulting, but I thought I would let you listen to that. Hey, welcome to Stand Sure Coaching. My name is Rob Anderson. I'm your host of the Stand Sure Podcast. Hey, my journey has been defined by 3 distinct chapters. Chapter 1 began with my time in the military, where I learned the true meaning of leadership and resilience in some of the most high-pressure environments. Then on to Chapter 2, I transitioned into corporate America, serving as a learning and development professional and leadership coach for Fortune 500 companies. Now, I'm in my third chapter dedicated to helping men navigate their own transitions, rediscover their purpose, and find what it means to lead with conviction in their second half of life. So, I'm going to let you just go ahead and listen in and you can Kind of hear what she is going through and the struggles. This is real stuff. This is the way it happens. I am not only fortunate to be her coach, but I'm also fortunate to have her as my wife. And a lot of our conversations, in fact, she'll actually get upset with me because she's like, stop it, you're coaching me right now. And so I have to be very careful that I don't move into a coaching mindset with her. Although there's times where it's a, it's a huge advantage when she's trying to struggle through something. And I'll even ask her, hey, do you want me to, you know, do you want me to play the role of a coach? And there's many times where she does. And so anyway, let's go ahead and listen in to the conversation. Hey Brooks, thanks for joining today.

Yeah, how are you?

I'm doing great, but, you know, more importantly, this is, this is about you. This is your time. As we get started, like we start every session, a quick reminder: we're not doing counseling, we're not doing therapy. With that said, this is a confidential, safe space for you to continue to explore, and as always, I want you to share what's on your mind.

Okay.

So As we begin the session, what would make this conversational feel most useful for you today?

Oh boy. I knew you were gonna ask me that. And I've been thinking off and on throughout the day before we were gonna meet up. And honestly, I just have been feeling a little off lately. I mean, I say lately, but actually it's been a little longer. More like a month or so. I'm not sure really what's been going on. I know that it's been building. It's almost like a heavy feeling on my chest sometimes. So I wish I can't quite nail it on, you know, what I'm feeling. Actually, just the other day,

I—

Now you'll notice that I'm giving lots of room for her to talk and just express what she's going through, just to sit with that feeling.

Yeah, okay. I haven't really— I know for sure I haven't been feeling myself lately. And I can't really explain it. It just— I don't— there's nothing that feels obviously wrong. At the same time, I don't feel right either. I just can't quite put my finger on it. I do feel like I'm showing up for everything in my daily routines and Just even normal stuff, everyday stuff. So basically, I feel like that everyday stuff that I'm doing is harder and harder. It takes more effort. Even just to get through my day. I'm trying to figure out or pinpoint a specific thing that causes it, which I'm having trouble with, and it's super frustrating. You know, I just feel a heaviness a lot of the time.

Hey, thank you for sharing that. And I could— it sounds like there's a lot of emotion with that. Did I get that right?

Yeah, yeah, there is, there is. It's very— it's confusing to me.

So I want you to notice that as the coach, I'm actually acknowledging the emotions that go along with that. I'm giving her plenty of space to talk because she's the superhero in her story. She needs She always needs to remind herself that she's a

superhero. You're always afraid I don't ask the right questions, and so I need you to ask me some good questions to dig a little deeper so I can figure out as I go. I think that's going to be the best tactic. So maybe just ask me some good questions, you know, to kind of help me break out of it. Okay. Break it down, basically.

Okay. Yeah. No, I'm happy to do that. And, you know, again, I mean, this is a space where you can explore perhaps what that heaviness is, what's been happening the past month. As we talk today, what's gonna What's going to tell you that this was time well spent?

I want to feel by the end of our call that I— I want to at least try to understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Would be really important just because right now it all feels like a lot. And so it's overwhelming to me. And if I could just walk away with trying to understand a little bit of what might be causing this or, you know, and help me get through it.

Okay. Well, I'm really glad we had a chance, you know, to meet in person today. I know that a lot of times we are doing these through a call and everything, so—

Sure, yeah.

It's great to I know we can't, you know, just with schedules, we don't always get a chance to do that. So I'm really, really happy we can do that.

Yeah, thank you.

And where would you like to start?

Well, let's see. I— gosh, there's so many things. I feel like I'm just drowning in stuff lately. Even the last couple months, there's so much stuff between work and home. And I— a lot on my plate, different obligations. It's funny 'cause I usually wake up in the morning and before I even start my day, I just— I'm already tired.

Yeah.

Trying to think through it and process, okay, what's on today's agenda? Like, almost like there's really not a lot of time for me.

So one of the things I've had to do in this role, because Brooks and I are married, is I've had to make sure I've stepped out of the role of being a husband and give her space as a coach would give her. And so I've been very careful to do that with her.

And it's something I do with all my clients.

So she should get that same treatment. Also, by the way, because of our schedules, a lot of times when we would do—

when we do these calls, we have to do our calls by Zoom because of—

because she's got a lot going on and I've got a lot going on.

Going through life, going through my daily routine, and my batteries don't ever get charged back up. And when I even think about doing something, I'm usually really worn out by the end of the day. You know, I— okay, I feel like if I could get a couple things out of this session, I want to figure out what I need to do or how I can plan something 1 or 2 or 3 times a week that's just for Something I can go out and do just for me and not anybody else. Because I do take care of a lot of people and I stay busy with that, with work and school and home life, and I just am feeling a little bit bogged down. So, I'd like to have a game plan that's not super overwhelming, gives me a little bit more freedom.

Now, by the way, I'm going to lock into that word freedom. Now, this is hard. Again, as a husband, it's hard because I know what's I see it firsthand. I see it every day. And— but I can't give her the answer. This has to be on her own. And this— coaching your own wife, for me as a coach, coaching your own wife is way more difficult than coaching my regular clients because I do see her every day. And I do know— there's a lot of times I kind of know what the answer is, right?

I would like to do— But I can't just give it to her. I've got to let her explore it on her own. And I feel— I almost feel like I'm in my own little prison, kind of trapped into a little cell, you know, where each wall there's a thing to do and there's nothing left for me, you know? You know what I mean by that?

Yeah, so I heard you mention the word freedom. Mm-hmm. And we've talked about doing a plan. But now you brought up the word prison.

What does prison feel like for you?

So I just— it's almost like if you picture being in prison, you have the 4 walls. And I wake up and it's like each wall, there's a whole list of things to do. do on each surrounding me, you know, and when I stand up to look around to see, there's no room on those walls for me to recharge, for me to have some downtime for myself, and it feels kind of claustrophobic almost.

I noticed that your rate of speech picked up with that. Do you mind just taking a moment with that feeling and perhaps what that feeling might be telling you?

Yes. That's a good question. It really feels, you know, just talking about it, I get kind of a tightness in my chest. And obviously very overwhelming. It makes me physically tired, not just mentally, but physically tired. And it's very monotonous. I just over and over wake up, do it again, repeat, wake up, repeat. And I'm not getting any little spurts of energy to really feel like I can do something about it. I don't know. I just— it's basically I just need a break. I need to figure out what that looks like.

When you said, I need a break, I noticed the emotion of that. What does it mean when you say you don't get a break?

There's always something going on. Always. Like that analogy I used of being in a prison cell and you wake up and all 4 walls, You're just booked with things and activities and stuff to do. It just feels constant and it feels like I don't— those things are chosen for me. I mean, those are things I have to do to make things work in my home and in my work, and I don't really get to choose those. I don't— it's just do this, do this, do this, do this, do this. And I just move from one thing to the next. And I— it's very monotonous. And I know, I know that's something that feels maybe self-imposed. And I'm the one that chooses that, but that's part of life. That's my life. So, you know, it's really hard to work around that.

I want to make sure I get this right.

It sounds like you've been living in a world of have to for a really long time that the want to Feels unavailable. Does that resonate?

Yes. Yes. That really— that's exactly it. I'm, you know, I'm getting up in the morning and going through the motions. So, I mean, I do— I miss having a little bit of that freedom.

So important point here. I'm not naming it for her. I'm checking in to see if what I am understanding matches what she's feeling. So I do want to make sure we're still staying on track with what we agreed with in the beginning. Along with that, you've introduced a new word, adventuring.

And then you again, you mentioned, you know, I've heard you mention a few You mentioned a few times freedom. When you hear about the word freedom, or maybe even when you hear about the word adventure that you just brought up, what comes up for you?

Basically just time that I can do anything I want to do, that there's not something that it's a have-to, it's a want-to. You know, it's I want to do this and get some space and some freedom. Like I said, like break out of the daily routine is really where I feel like it's important to me. Yeah. And that's how it makes me feel when I hear— when I talk about that, when I hear

What are you noticing about yourself as you use that image?

I feel like kind of like I'm a hostage within my own self, you know? And I've never seen myself I don't think I've said that before. So it's interesting that I— I mean, that sounds— that word even just sounds overwhelming, doesn't it? I don't— hostage. Okay. So—

Well, I noticed a little bit of an eye roll, but I also noticed that you tensed up there. Stay there just for a moment.

Yeah, yeah, it's— that's a harsh word. I, I think— Again, as a coach, it's really important that I am giving plenty of space for her to talk, for her to feel, for her to process. And instead of just giving out advice, that I'm actually letting her Make those own definitions. Like something's wanting something from me or something, you know, I need to go and do, do, do. Trying out, feeling like I'm being pulled in all sorts of different directions all the time. It's very frustrating. I also think too that it's also being able to just slow down without any guilt, without the voice in the back of my head, you know, sort of telling me like, you need to do this, this, this, this, this, and this. It's just not having that guilt really would be huge.

I noticed that something shifted for you just now.

Yes, it actually, it really did. Sorry, I'm like totally realizing that. I mean, I feel like I'm kind of sounding— I'm hearing myself talk and I'm realizing how just hearing myself say these things It doesn't have to be like this. It's what I'm, you know, with the harsh word of hostage and then filling that in with wanting some freedom, some space to do it. I feel like it's— I'm feeling a little bit better about the possibility of changing those things. Like, I don't want to be a— who wants to be a hostage in their own body, you know? So I feel like I really want to be able to choose something that I want to do, not because it's expected or it's on a list.

I want to take a quick moment here to pause because I want to make sure that we're still on track with what you had asked for.

Sure, sure. I feel like we're in a really good direction so far. I like, I like what we've talked about so far and what I've kind of come up with too.

So you mentioned hostage, freedom, adventuring. Not being a hostage. Mm-hmm. What does all that look like for you right now?

I— well, definitely something I need to keep simple. I need something that's simple that I can do. I don't have to put a lot of thought in or a lot of effort. I mean, I used to walk my dog a lot, and I feel bad because that's not something— I feel like I've been so busy Lately that that's not something that I can do. I— because I enjoy going outside, um, and just getting away from everything for some mental clarity. Maybe taking a walk, um, and, and not having my phone with me so I'm not constantly thinking of what's coming up next, not running through my list, you know, in my head, which I do a lot. And, you know, moving at my own pace would be a good thing. And something I can plan where it's not a rush thing. I want to, you know, have—

Now, what you notice in this conversation, we went from— it sounded very doom and gloom and despair, using words like hostage and prison. And now you As a coach, it's important that I pick up on those, those cues like her rate of speech and the way that she changes her body posture. That's why it's so important that I don't do these just by phone, but, you know, I do them by Zoom. In this case, I got to do

it

in person. I do very few sessions in person.

And

I do them by Zoom.

And, but I still have to be responsible for Catching, you know, catching those things. I feel like by the time I'm done with my day, I'm just drained. I am just drained, you know? And there's always something that has to get done that I feel like I should be doing. And my energy level just isn't there. So I just, I don't know. It just, there just isn't enough time in the day to do, you know, what I need to do. And maybe I also need to give myself a little bit of permission, you know, to do something extracurricular activity for myself, something that I enjoy. Could be an idea.

So if together we just— we set that aside for a moment and just as an experiment, what is it that you want?

Feels so weird to try to answer that. I just oh, some time to myself. I just I really don't get that very often. Just time to just think about myself and what I like and. Self-care, you know, is important, and it should be important. Just been on the back burner, so I feel like—I mean, yeah—I really think that I need to give myself some time.

So what's the first thing that comes to mind, even if it's something small?

I'm gonna have to think about that for a minute. Well, I think I— well, I think I need to get out and get more outside time, maybe some— get out in the sun more, because I like to be outside. I do like that. And just stepping away, stepping away from everything for a little bit. And I— that way I'm where— it's almost like where I'm not surrounded by others' expectations or noise. And I feel like when I'm outside, I feel like it's closer to freedom. Like I can actually breathe again. You know, I'm not having— I just— it's really, Rob, it's really just about having that open space and time to focus on myself. Even small moment, like just doing it for a little bit or a small moment would really help give me a glimpse of freedom.

What is it that matters to you? You know, of what you just said, what about that matters to you?

Well, I guess it's— well, it's something I used to do without really thinking about it, is what it feels like. Like when I hear myself talking, you know?

Can I offer you a question that is, you know, it just might stretch your thinking a little bit?

Sure. Yeah, go ahead.

What might be the story you're telling yourself that turns the—

that turns that want to instead of it being a have to?

Well, the thing that kind of keeps repeating itself in my brain is that I don't have time. You know, it's just always something more important or even just more urgent even that needs to be done first before— and somewhere along the line, what I actually want or feel like doing is getting pushed I feel like I get pushed to the bottom of the list. You know what I mean? I start to feel like my needs don't really matter as much. Or at least not as much as, you know, compared to everything else I have going on.

So when you believe that, How do you show up?

When I believe that, I feel like I— I feel tired. I kind of feel checked out. I'm just getting through this stuff rather than actually being a part of what's going on. Just going through the motions.

What becomes possible if that story is not completely true?

Yeah, I think if it wasn't true, it would mean that I would have some choices. You know, maybe I would— you know, maybe what I've done is I've just stopped looking for it or stopped believing. You know, it was there in the first place. You know that choice, and along the way I've got so used to reacting or just handling what was right in front of me that I didn't really notice or consider there might be another option. And really, honestly, the longer you. I— for me anyway, the longer it goes on, the more it just starts to feel like that's just how it is. There are probably some small moments where I could choose differently. I've just been overlooking them or telling myself that they— I don't have time for that or they don't count. Maybe You know, like the freedom is gone. It's that I've— maybe it's not that the freedom is gone, so to speak, but it's I've narrowed my view a little bit and really haven't seen what actually exists.

So as you say that, how does that land for you?

It's weird. It's really weird. It actually feels a little lighter thinking about it that way.

So thinking back to our, our agreement in the beginning, you wanted something that was simple. You wanted something that was realistic, something that you could do. With that in mind, what's, what's one small way you could choose something that you want to do?

Let me think about that for a minute. That's a good question too. Just, hmm.

So I'm going to point out what's interesting is her and I have had a lot of conversations around this, but I wasn't approaching it as a coach. I was approaching it as the husband.

And I could take my dog. And saying, hey, you know, we could go out and play some disc golf, or we could go do this, we could go for jogs, we could go rollerblading.

I offered out a lot of ton, you know, stuff, but what happened was I wasn't serving

her

as a coach. And this was really—

I learned a lot about her in the coaching sessions that we do because of previous relationships that she's had. She doesn't feel like she can speak freely. And then once we get into this coaching mindset, man, she really opens up. And I have to tell you, she is the hardest person for me to coach because I am so close to her.

You know, I— I could start with 20 minutes. I mean, that's a realistic 20-minute break, you know, from everything. You know, maybe that would be good to just kind of break that cycle for a little bit. I could step out of the routine for the day.

When would you do that?

Um, well, right, uh, let me think. During the week, usually Tuesday after work and Thursdays after work, I'm not as busy in those evenings anyway. So probably one of those days, if not maybe both.

Okay. What might get in the way of getting that done?

Well, it's— I think being tired 'cause it's the end of the day. You know, sometimes we get tired. So I think that that could be it. You know, by the time I'm done with my day, I just— when I think about my day-to-day, I get tired. Tired by the time it's over, you know. By the end of the day, I'm pretty wiped out. So even something small like this makes me kind of feel like it's one more thing adding to the top of my list, or to the bottom of my list if it's the end of the day in that case. So I just— that's when I kind of click over to

Yeah, what else is there?

Yeah, I think a part of me— I'm just trying to figure out what gets to me the most. It doesn't feel like I'm actively choosing against myself, it just happens. That's where I start feeling a little more frustrated, really, because I know that there's a gap between what I say and what I want and what I can actually do. And the more and more it happens, The more I feel like it's reinforcing that feeling that I don't really have control. So that sense of freedom is there in theory, but it's hard to access in reality.

Notice not providing answers for her. So how are you giving her plenty of space to process? And then she's actually owning the outcomes of it. I'm not providing the outcomes as a coach. I'm not giving advice. I'm not giving consulting.

Oh my goodness. I think the biggest thing is just, okay, Brooke, calm down. It's only 20 minutes. It doesn't have to be a big decision or something that puts a lot of effort into. Like, I have to put You put a lot of effort into it. You're committing to 20 minutes. You can do that. And if I can just narrow down, like you said, the days, the Tuesday, Thursday, that way I don't even, you know, I don't have to feel super motivated before. I can just go, you know. And that does take some pressure off. I am an overthinker generally, so it's it's it's it would be good for me to keep it simple and and something that's doable. And you know, I I don't I'm worth it. You know, like giving myself a. small window where I'm, you know, choosing something for me. So, I mean, it would be— it would feel good. I mean, even just the 20 minutes of freedom just to get away.

So I noticed a small uptick in your voice there.

Uh-huh.

What new awareness is present for you now?

Well, I feel like I've kind of noticed that I've been acting like I don't have a choice, but I do. I mean, I do a little bit. There is some flexibility within my day, and the more I think about it, I can see, you know, that I've been, you know, Handing that choice over without really noticing it, you know, like by telling myself everything is fixed and that's just how things are going to go and that's what I'm expected to do and just stop and you know stop questioning it.

So what is, what is your biggest takeaway from this session?

Hmm. So let me think about that. That's a good— well, I know I definitely feel like I have a plan I have a plan now with going on my walks, and I have some choices to create that freedom. And honestly, I'm, I'm the one who does have control over most of my schedule and what I have to do and want to do. It really is up to You know, for sure. So I mean, that's a huge awareness that I'm realizing. Maybe I'm not as stuck as what I was, you know. I think sometimes the story we tell ourselves in our head is way worse than it is. And so I can do this, and I do have a choice, even if it's a small choice that creates a little bit of freedom. And I can actually work with that. So it really—that really makes me feel good.

And the plan that you have for the small steps. Again, what was that?

Basically, you know, Tuesday and Thursday, go for a walk for 20 minutes toward closer to the end of my day.

Okay.

And my dog gets to go with me. So that to me seems refreshing.

Notice the reinforcement of the plan.

We'd already talked about it.

I want to make sure That she still bought into it and that's still

part of the plan. Hey, I want to take a moment and just— I want to acknowledge how honest that you've been in this conversation, and thank you for sharing that with me.

Sure. Yeah, thank you. I, I didn't realize how much I was holding on to until we really started talking about it and really how simple a solution I, I could You know, find. So, I mean, I feel a lot more weight lifted off my chest. So thank you for that.

What's your biggest takeaway that you're leaving with? You know, we're going to wrap up here in just a few moments, but what's that biggest takeaway?

I would have to say the plan, the plan to go and do something. You know, and things aren't as locked in as they feel. I have more say. I've really heard— just hearing myself talk about it, I feel like I have more say than what I was giving myself permission to feel or to have in my daily schedule, if that makes sense. And I can see, you know, just how I've been living, like everything's already decided. You know, my time or my energy, the choices are spoken for. And really, Rob, that's not the truth. That's not how I should be living. looking at those things. Like there is freedom, there is time that I can do things for myself if I make time, you know?

In what ways does that break you out of that feeling of being in prison?

I feel like I don't— there's time for me to not— where I don't have to stay super focused and exhausting myself with all the things that have to happen in the day. You know, like, there's time for me to take that focus and put it towards myself. So when I get up and look at— like, I feel like the walls are kind of moving out a little bit more instead of feeling so closed in. Yeah. So that look— that it's definitely more freeing.

So how do you want to show up differently after today?

More rested. Um, you know, and also just less chaotic, less chaos, and that feeling of freedom is what I would like. Um, and I feel— be more intentional about it and just choosing something to do for myself is, you know, honestly.

You mentioned intentional, and you mentioned being intentional about your plan of walking on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Yeah.

So as we close, how are you feeling compared to when we started?

I do feel better. I really do. I feel like I I feel like even just as I think about it, my— the space in my head is opening up. Like, my brain feels less overwhelmed, and I can just kind of— that heavy feeling that I was talking about with my chest is really not there. I feel better that I have a plan. And I just, I was struggling just to kind of come up with one. And I just, I think the biggest shift is I don't feel trapped. Or like what I, the word hostage that I used earlier, I don't feel that at all. I've, you know, even being tired, I can see that there are Some small moments where I can choose something different. I can do something, you know, for myself and get out of the old pattern. It doesn't have to feel like a pattern every day if I can just find time for myself and give myself permission to do that. And that really does, that really does change how I feel.

All right, I'm gonna go ahead and just wrap it up right there. There's a few more moments of talking back and forth, but that was more so because of us being a, you know, a connected couple, and it was really kind of— it was really coming out of the coaching relationship at that point.

I wanted to show you though what a typical coaching session looks like. Now, by the way, I am not someone who promises breakthroughs. In this case though, we did have a breakthrough. We had a couple of breakthroughs. It would have been easy to go from the perspective of her husband saying, well, hey, you know, you need to go out and walk the dog. The dog doesn't get to walk. You need to go break yourself free.

A lot of the, you know, a lot of the pressure that she was feeling was really pressure that other people are putting on her. And, you know, as a husband, I try to look out for that and say, hey, you know, you need to— You know, you need to be willing to say no. You don't have to be a people pleaser, all those kind of things, right? And that wasn't working. And so we did start, you know, we did— and again, it's hard to be a husband in one moment and then be a coach in the other. This was literally the hardest coaching session I ever did because obviously I know her very well. I know What makes her tick. And I had to make sure that I stayed within that coaching mindset, that I stayed in the coaching role and not ever go into, you know, a friendship or her, you know, her being my wife or any of that. And with the training I've had, I'm very fortunate to have gone through the training that That I went through the past couple of years that really changed my entire coaching perspective. And I had some great mentors. I had some great coaches that were coaching me on my own abilities to coach. And it's different. It looks a lot different than when I started years and years ago. But I thought— and thank you so much for hanging on with us. I know this was an extremely long podcast.

I hope that you got an opportunity See all the different components of coaching now where we're looking for awareness. We're hoping that you, you know, to co-create a plan with you. I'm hoping to ask you the right questions to, you know, to make you think. And in this case, I didn't know— I mean, I didn't know how this was going to go. I mean, when she started— And I have to tell When she started talking about feeling like a prison and a hostage, I was like, oh my gosh, is she fixing to drop the divorce word? And that wasn't it at all. I mean, because, I mean, we've got a good life, you know, with a good relationship with each other. I mean, I would have been totally shocked. But as a coach, you know, I can't move or I can't control that conversation. The conversation has to go where she wants it to go. It's my responsibility to ask questions. Don't ask leading questions.

Leading questions. Don't ask questions that are going to push her towards an agenda.

Everything in this was, was where she wound up wanting to go. And it truly was a breakthrough in several areas. And it's given her a sense of freedom. And just, just very blessed that we had the opportunity to, to walk that journey. And I want to walk that journey with you.

Hey, if you are interested in hiring me as a coach, I would love, I would love, love, love to do that with you.

Make sure you go out to the website, www.stansurecoaching.com. Let's just do a discovery call. Do a free 30-minute discovery call, see if we're a right fit. We'll talk about different options and we can go from there.

Hey, that's all I That's all I've got for this episode. Again, if you listened to the end, thank you so much.

Thank you.