204: Warrior Goddess Women Training with Heatherash Amara

Namaste, it's Sahara Rose. And welcome back to the Highest Self podcast, the place where we discuss what makes you your soul's highest evolvement. Happy 4th of July, wherever you are. I can't believe we're already in the summer here in la. It's been a pretty cold year so far.

It still doesn't feel like we're in.

The summer yet, but luckily I got lots of beach time on my honeymoon in Fiji, which was so magical. We went to two beautiful, tiny little islands that have like 12 people on them. And it was amazing to just be alone with my husband for two weeks after all of the crazy wedding stuff, which I talked about in two recent episodes from just last week and the week before, all about the wedding details. My Jurassic wedding, yes, it was in Jurassic park, actually, where the movie Jurassic park was shot in Hawaii. And the lessons that we learned, the activations, the sister circles, the hard parts, the obstacles, the everything that comes with something as big as a wedding and as big as a marriage. So I'm really excited to be back from all of that. You know, planning a wedding was a beautiful experience and I'm also a little bit relieved to be done with it, to be real, and to just be back into my work and into writing and sharing. I'm writing my next book right now, which is all about how to discover your Dharma. I am planning this incredible sacred sisterhood community called the Rose Gold Goddess, which is a monthly membership sisterhood community where each month we will be activating and celebrating a goddess, an archetype that exists within us and how we can activate her in our daily lives. From Lakshmi to Durga to Saraswati to Athena to Yemaya Oshun, all types of goddesses from all types of cultures. So stay tuned when I will when Rose Gold Goddess is open and we will be taking our founding members. So in this episode, I chat with Heatherash Amara, who is the author of the Warrior Goddess Training. I read this book several years ago and I totally resonated with everything she was saying. You know, when you, when you read a book and you're like, yep, I get you. I see where you're coming from. That's how I felt when I read this book. So in this conversation we talk all about what it means to be a warrior goddess and we talk a lot about ancest pain as well, and how we take on the pain and the stories and the sufferings from our ancestors, the people who came before us, both in this life, our actual ancestors, our parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc but even past lives, we can take on ancestral pain from those as well. And that's how your soul incarnates from different lifetimes that, you know, you may have been a Japanese man in a past lifetime or a Filipino woman, or something else that may not be your present day culture. But in this episode specifically, we talk a lot more about the actual familial ancestral pains and how we can rewrite those stories. Like, let's say, you know, a lot of my ancestral pain and wounding comes from child marriage. My grandmothers were in child marriages, my actual living grandmothers. And every generation of women before me has been in a child marriage. So me just getting married to someone that I chose to marry because of the freedom of my own will and having total equal partnership in the relationship and being a working woman and having income is. Is literally the first time this has ever happened in my lineage. So we're rewriting the story. So for you, it could be rewriting the story of poverty, rewriting the story of sexual liberation. You know, there's many women I know who have gone through rape, their mothers, grandmothers, et cetera. And it was something that throughout the lineage has been essentially passed down, something that has caused this. And they are the ones who stand up and say, not again, this stops with me. Or women who. Their ancestral lineage comes from poverty, or comes from shame, or comes from fear of homosexuality or whatever it is. And we are the ones who are being called right now to rewrite those stories and put them to an end. So this is another topic we dive deep into in this episode. I also ask her what practices she recommends for breaking these old patterns passed on through our lineage and how we can look at our story from a new lens. For example, let's say, you know, my story was, no woman in my family has ever worked. They've all just been in child marriages and have had no equal rights. Therefore, my story could have been, well, I'm just going to wait for a husband to choose me and be a housewife and live my life forever that way. Or I could have looked at it from the new lens of. Because in many of my previous incarnations, even in this family, I wasn't given a choice. I'm going to take ultimate choice and freedom in this lifetime because I know it is something that cannot be taken for granted. So with that, I choose more. I will shine brighter, I will be louder. I will be even more expressed for all of my ancestors that have not had that capacity available to them. So we can look at our story from A new lens. Your story that, oh, my family's always been poor, so I'm going to be poor. You could rewrite that story of. Because I know what it's like to grow up as being poor. I know I'm never going to make my child grow up in the kind of situation that I grew up in or because I never experienced love. I'm going to be a more loving person because I know what that's like or because I wasn't able to be my full self with my family. I'm going to accept everyone as they are without any form of judgment. So we can look at our story. We can turn our pain into our passion and our mess into our message and look at it from a new lens. I also ask her how we can support our partner to open up spiritually. I know a lot of women have asked me, well, what do I do if my partner's not on a spiritual path? And how do I make him open up? How do I make him more conscious? And can you even do that? Can you change someone? And I believe that people can change, but you can't change them. You have to just vibrate at your highest level. And that alone will inspire them should they choose to. But not everyone does. So we talk about that. We talk about how to give up, giving up our personal power. You know, when we say, oh, well, if he just was more conscious, he just meditated. If he just did this, we're actually giving up our personal power by saying that because we are not accepting things as they are in the present moment, which is essentially saying that I'm not capable of being okay with the way that things are. I need things to change for me to be okay. And that's giving up your personal power. Because if you're not in total acceptance of the person as they are right now, that person is not right for you. So we talk, talk about that and how to break up with your own judge and victim. Because we both have this inner judge and this inner victim. The judge being like, that person doesn't look good. You should be looking like this, blah, blah, blah, judging, judging, judging. And then that victim that's, oh, my God, people are so mean to me. People don't understand me. My life is so hard. So we are operating with both of these judges and victims in our heads and how we can move forward and step up as empowered beings, dropping the shame, the guilt, all of those stories that are not serving our highest evolvements. So without further ado, let's welcome Heather Ash, Amara to the Highest Self Podcast. And before we get started, check out these brands that make Highest Self Podcast possible. This episode is brought to you by uvaida. Uvaida is a modernized Ayurvedic supplement company that takes certain issues that we have such as mood, joints, immunity, digestion and creates these custom little packets exactly for us, infusing ancient Ayurvedic herbs with modern vitamins and minerals. I take the mood formula daily. 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Welcome Heather Ash to the Highest Self Podcast. It's so good to have you here.

Thanks so much Sahara. Great to be here with you.

So the first question I would love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?

I would say what makes me My highest self is the willingness to follow my passion and to be creative with whatever obstacles arise on the way to holding my highest vision.

So beautiful. Yes. Creativity is really just us experiencing universe in motion, right?

Yes, exactly. That is so true.

So true. So I love Warrior Goddess training. It's a book I read a couple years ago, as well as your new book, the Seven Secrets to Healthy, Happy Relationships. I actually just interviewed Don Miguel Ruiz on the podcast recently, which was awesome and definitely will need to interview his son as well. So love their whole family and the work that you're doing with them.

Thank you. Yeah, it's been such a gift to be part of the family and to be sharing these teachings.

So I'd love to know what does it mean to be a warrior goddess?

For me, it means to really be your authentic self. That there isn't one way to be a warrior goddess, but that we're bringing those qualities together inside of us. So the warrior energy is about focus, about clarity, about commitment. It's about 100% yes, I'm in. And the goddess energy is. It's about creativity. It's about fluidity, receptivity, the willingness to change. And for some of us, we are more warrior oriented and some of us are more goddess oriented. So it's not about needing to be 50% warrior and 50% goddess and then you've got it. It's really learning what is your expression of those two energies?

I love that so much. So what would the warrior like tendencies be like? And the goddess tendencies?

So the warrior would have really clarity and a sense of purpose. And the beauty of the warrior energy is that it gets things done in a really systematic way. The downfall can be that if you have too much warrior energy, you can be really dogmatic and can get stuck and not be able to see the bigger picture. And the goddess energy is really about listening and about bringing the community together is how I think about it. I think that the warrior says, okay, I'm going there. Nothing's going to get in my way. And the goddess energy says, well, I'm going to go there. I wonder how I can create as much pleasure on the way and who can I bring along with me on this journey? So there's this cooperative, creative, communal sense to the goddess. The downfall of the Goddess, if you have too much in excess, we can say of goddess energy, is that you can be kind of flaky or not really committed to your path and get distracted easily.

Love that. So it's really a Shiva Shakti type of balance.

Yes. Exactly, exactly.

And do you think that we should be operating as the one that we were more born with, or do you think we should be seeking to rebalance with the one that we are maybe more lacking in?

It's a great question. I think some of both. I think we want to really explore where are there places that we have created what I think of as shells. So for example, if you were born in a family that was more warrior oriented, but you were more goddess oriented, we have a tendency to then take on warrior qualities, even though that's not our natural state. And so it's really important for us to shed any shells that we've taken on. Or like if you're supposed to be a certain way at work to realize that's not really your nature. But we also want to be able to use both of those qualities skillfully in our lives. Because there's some place where you'll want to use goddess energy. That's what's appropriate. And there's other places where you need to use warrior energy. So Even if you're 95% goddess and 5% warrior, you want to have the skill to use that warrior energy as needed so that we're fluid in using both.

Yes. And I think a lot of us, I mean, had parents that because of the fear of survival, taught us to become warriors. Because, you know, living on this earth is hard and you have to make means and you can't trust everyone. So we've almost all stepped into this warrior. So have you seen most of the women that you work with have more warrior like tendencies?

Yes, that tends to be what women are coming in with. And they're drawn to rediscovering what is the goddess. How do I start to learn how to soften and receive and trust my intuition? So I feel like a lot of the work is to find that softness that the goddess can offer.

And have you seen that in any society still today that they really teach people to step into more of the goddess energy than the warrior energy?

Oh, in modern society it's rare, unfortunately. But and I do see, like when I travel, for example, to Peru, I just got back from a journey to Peru. And the people there are really balanced in a lot of ways. They're still very connected to the earth. They're very connected to spirit and intuition. And so I've noticed in, especially in the countryside, and this is true in a lot of places where there isn't much of the industrial, we have to get things done. We have a list, we're busy that tends to bring the warrior out in people and create imbalance. And so there's different countries and there's. And I think more in the countryside, especially of those countries where there's more balance and more of a sense of peace inside of people.

I love that so much. And I think collectively, we're all waking up to seeing that the goddess is in no way less powerful than the warrior. It's just a different type of power that's a little more subtle.

Exactly, exactly. And we've been trained that the warrior energy is what gets things done. But actually, warriors warrior energy, in the way we're using it now, just causes burnout and excess.

So, yeah, it reminds me, I don't know if you're familiar with the Ayurvedic doshas, but warrior energy is very pitta fire.

Yes.

And the goddess feels a little bit more of the kapha, which is earth and luxurious and slow and soft.

Yeah, exactly. That's a really good way to map it as well.

I love that. So you spoke about how sometimes we take on how our parents and society has taught us to be. So and this is something that you write about in warrior goddess training as well. How do we take on not only just our parental pain and stories, but our entire lineages? How does this happen?

There's a whole science now called epigenetics, which is studying this. And I love a lot of the work that I do is shamanic in nature that really looks at the energy and what our ancestors believed. And there's a lot of wisdom. And I always find it fascinating that scientists now are studying things and are like, oh, my God, look what we discovered. But the shamans were like, well, yeah, we knew that thousands of years ago. And this is one of those things that when you're born, you're not just a physical body. You're. You're an energetic being. We're like little sponges. And we soak up not only what we see our parents doing, how they're acting, not their words necessarily, but how they're acting, but we also soak up their energy. And we also take on the energy from our ancestors, because that's our blood. That's our previous energetic code that we just carry forward. And so as adults, we then have choice to begin to decide what do I want to carry forward from our lineage. Since a lot of us don't realize what we're carrying forward, we just think, oh, this is me. This is my fears or my baggage or my upset. But I find when I start teaching women to look at what they learned from their ancestors or what they're carrying forward pretty quickly. Women are like, oh, wow, okay. It's not, I'm not broken or I'm not personally responsible for all of these things that I'm carrying. It's actually something that I'm carrying forward from my lineage because I didn't know any better. And then they're able to make a choice. We want to carry forward what's the best from our lineage. And I know that's what our ancestors would want the most from us as well, for sure.

And I think a lot of us, as we do the work, we realize like, wow, this isn't just me who's been suffering from this problem, but my mother and my grandmother. And if you knew your great grandmother and I feel like it's us, like for some reason it's this generation that's doing that work and that clearing. I'm just seeing it all over, that we're just the generation that's saying, it stops with me.

Yes. Which is such a gift. And it heals forward and backwards. I really know that anytime somebody says, I'm going to stop the lineage patterns that are unconscious, that are harmful, that it helps all of our descendants, all the ones coming after us, whether that's our physical kids or just people that we touch as well as our ancestors, those that came behind us, they also get healed as well.

So beautiful. So I'm sure people wonder, how do I know if it's my own shit or from my ancestors? How can you really differentiate?

How can you really tell by starting to name what are some of the patterns that you notice that your parents carry or that your grandparents carried? And also to study what was your grandparents or your great grandparents life like, if you can get a sense of what trauma they came from or what challenges they dealt with, you'll start to be able to separate out, oh, right, this isn't mine. This is something that's larger. Now, the truth is, once you take it on, it's yours. I mean, there's that kind of bigger truth that if you agree to something, even if it wasn't yours originally, it now becomes yours. So in a way, it doesn't matter. Is that this mine personally or is this my ancestors? It's all ours and it all needs to be cleaned up regardless of where it came from. But one thing that I've noticed is that people, as people start holding that intent of I'm not going to carry what belongs to my ancestors forward, that that starts helping to Ease a lot of struggle and allows us to then really focus on what's my particular work this lifetime to clean up.

And do you think it's sort of one type of issue that we have to face in this lifetime or it's a series?

Often there's one or two main issues that we're working through. I found, and what I've seen with humans, is that we tend to make very few core agreements, what I think of as core agreements. So the ones I've seen are I'm not lovable, I'm going to be abandoned, I'm broken, and some variation of those three. And from there we get super creative and make it like our personal thing. But when we go down to the core, most of us are dealing with either a fear of being abandoned, a fear that we're not lovable, a fear that we're broken, something along that line, and that that core wounding is what we're in the process of unraveling. So the nice thing is if you start to really go towards the core, then you can do some very deep work and do some very deep healing rather than just dealing with the manifestations. I like to help people go to the root.

So true. I think almost everyone has had those type of beliefs at a certain point in their life. And, you know, when we're a kid, we can create a story. My mom's late to pick me up, therefore I'm not lovable, I'm not rememberable. And whatever it is. And it doesn't have to be like a massive trauma, it's just your relationship.

To what happened exactly, and how you perceive it. And to remember that we're in a, what we call the dream of the planet. We're in a time right now that is very much based in fear and scarcity. So I always remind people, just look at the 5 o' clock news or pick up a big major newspaper and what you see reported immediately is fear, scarcity, murder, violence. You know, we focus on the negative. We tend to focus on the negative. So I really feel like our role, and especially the new generation, especially with how much change and climate upheaval and things that we're dealing with now, is to really focus on positive activism. What can I do? What skills do I have? And to bring in that power of gratitude and that power of community is really vital right now.

It truly, truly is.

So do you think that our past.

Lives can also be something that's carrying on this trauma?

Yeah, definitely. I believe that we come in with particular tendencies that we didn't finish the last lifetime, we can say. And so we get another opportunity. And I really noticed this with my God kids. I have twin God kids. And when they were in the womb, both their mom and I were like, we were big feminists when we were in college together. And we were like, it's all about how you nurture them. And then she's pregnant with these twins, and I feel into both of them energetically, and I'm like, oh, my God, Autumn, we're wrong. Like, your babies are so different already. They're coming in with full personalities, and they did. It was fascinating to see. So I do really believe that we come in with unfinished business, we can say, and we have another opportunity this round to try again.

So true. I remember when I was definitely in college, I thought, oh, it's 100% nurture. Like, I don't know about the whole. You can. You can be whoever you want. You can change. And I do believe we have a lot of free will, but there's so much that we come in with that then our free will is based upon that point. What do you want to do with the deck of cards you were handed?

Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Here's what you got. What are you going to do with it? Yes.

Right. So now what can we do? And you offer a lot of incredible practices in your book to rewrite these stories and these narratives.

It really starts by becoming aware of the story that we're telling ourselves, because so often we're telling ourselves stories without even realizing it. It's a story without. We just think it's what it's the truth. And so it's the capacity to become aware and curious about what am I thinking, what am I telling myself, what story am I creating? And then to learn how to step back from the story and start to pull our energy out of it, to start to believe it less is another way to say that. And as we then begin to witness the story, we can see what the impact of the story is. Is. And then decide, do I want to keep telling myself this story, or do I want to change it? Do I want to shift my perception? You know, And I always remind people that you can't change the past. You can't change what happened, but you can change your perception of what happened. That is your superpower, really.

It truly is. And you share in the book how you had a story about when you were a kid that you moved around a lot. So can you share that and how you kind of rewrote the. That story in your Mind?

Yeah, absolutely. So when people used to ask me where I grew up or what my childhood was like, what I always said was, I moved every two years growing up, which meant that I was the shy kid for a year and really awkward and gawky. And then I would get to know people, and then I would feel better, and then we'd move again. And that happened about. I think went to about eight different schools growing up. And so by the time I came to college, I was shy. I. I was scared to meet people because I felt like they were going to leave or I was going to leave. And I had a lot of fear. So I told that story over and over again. That was my story. And one day, after I had started working with Miguel Ruiz and started learning about awareness and agreements and stories, I just realized every time I told that story, I felt bad. I felt bad about myself. I felt sad. I felt victimized. And so I thought, well, can I tell the story in a different way? And the next time somebody asked me, I practiced. I mean, I basically shared a different story. And the story then was, I was really blessed to be raised in Southeast Asia. We moved every two years. My parents took us around the world every year. So by the time I came to college, I had a huge love of diversity. I had a deep understanding of how big and beautiful this planet is, and I really loved humans. And what I recognized is that both of those stories are true, but one of them made me feel better about myself. One was more inspiring.

I love that. And I think there's also this kind of, like, collective of putting yourself down to make other people relate to you. So maybe if you were like, oh, I had such a hard life. And that almost creates a level of connection when you share something vulnerable about yourself. But then we are sharing only those more negative things, rather than owning how magical and powerful and beautiful parts of our lives have been.

So true. We have to be really mindful of how we're creating connection with people and how we want to create connection. So to really watch that. That tendency that we can have to say, oh, yeah, my life was terrible, too. Oh, my life was worse than yours. Oh, your life was really bad. Oh, here's something else that happened. And we also have to be really mindful not to do the opposite, which is, my life was great. It was fine. Everything was wonderful. So the extremes of always being negative or always being positive. And what I found is that vulnerability is really important to be willing to be vulnerable, but that the vulnerability is coming from a way to Actually be more empowered rather than be more victimized.

Yes, exactly. And I think most of us were just so used to the vulnerable shares being more of the negative side that now being vulnerable about success or something great that happened to you. I think that requires even more courage sometimes.

Yes, it does. It does. And to just know that you may have to, to really find community or friends that can support you in your success.

Right. Because it can, it can trigger people.

If that's not the right person.

Exactly, exactly. And to just recognize the whole world isn't that way, just that person hasn't gotten through their own fears yet.

So, so true. So another great practice that you had was to name both of your parents and write a list of the things that you, you got from your parents that you appreciate and then write a list of the things, the patterns that you don't so appreciate, that you have in yourself that you've seen from your parents. And I found this one to be a struggle for me personally, because when I did my mom and my dad, I could see good things that both of them brought me. But then for my mom, I was like nothing that passed on to me or my negative traits, all my negative traits are from my dad. So do you ever see that happen sometimes that it's almost like you feel like you, you took on one parent, that shadow side more than the other?

Yes, definitely. Definitely. And it tends to be, you know, I found that a lot of women struggle with their dads and I think that's really common because of how men were trained to not be connected to their emotions and to be more stern. You know, anybody who had a dad raised in the 50s is going to definitely be struggling with that. But there's also a lot of women that had big struggles with their moms, so. But it does tend to be one or more parent that there was the strife with that we then take on.

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Do you think that you see patterns of differences versus having the struggle with your mom versus your dad that's showing up differently in friendships or relationships because, you know, people have different theories on this. So I'm wondering if you've seen anything.

What I've seen is that the women that have more issues with their moms, there tends to be a lot more competition and distrust of women, which makes sense. And it's the same thing with with women that have issues with their fathers, then that tends to be projected onto men. So we tend to project whatever the negativity is from whichever gender of our parent onto the same gender. And that that's where the healing then lies. And we tend to also, you know, and I really believe this is kind of a genius thing that the universe does. We end up projecting it out onto other people. So suddenly we're in relationships with men that are kind of like our dad. Oh, shit, how did that happen? But it's because we're trying to heal it. Or we get into big competition with women, and we're really struggling with women. But it's again, the universe is saying, hey, sweetie, this needs to be healed. Here's another opportunity to heal it.

So very true. And it's going to keep showing up until we do now. And a lot of us are saying, well, I want to do the work.

But what does that really look like?

Does that mean I have to go to therapy?

I have to do ayahuasca?

Like, what can we do to clear this in a practical level?

It's such a great question. One is committing to yourself, committing that you want to step into your center, into your authenticity. And the second is to just recognize, I think there's two things that we always want to be doing. One is cleaning. Becoming aware of what are the agreements, the patterns, the beliefs, the actions that I'm taking that don't serve me. And there's a lot of different tools around cleaning. A gazillion. If you understand that you're here to clean and it's not about you're going to clean and then everything's going to be better, that you're actually here to enjoy the process of clearing and cleaning. And it's going to be a lifetime process. Just relax into it. Start enjoying the process. Once you're clear with that, the tools will start to show up. Oh, you'll be like, I need a tool. Let me go find one. Because there's so many different ones. Some of my favorites for cleaning is a practice called recapitulation, which is about going back into the past and reclaiming your energy that you've lost. It's a beautiful Toltec practice. Another one is a practice called not doings, which are so fun because it just a not doing is taking an action that you would normally not do. Like sometimes the exact opposite of what you would do, because it helps break up your patterns and your behaviors. And then the second thing is to do more of the things that you love. What do you love doing? What lights you up, what brings you peace, what brings you joy. And that sounds easy, but that can be really challenging for some people to let themselves have pleasure. So both of those Cleaning, do more of the things that you love.

I love that. So good. And you have a lot of really great little exercises as well in your book, which I super recommend for people to check out.

Yeah, I'm a way practical girl.

Yes, yes. So I'd love to also talk about your other book, the seven Secrets to Healthy, Happy Relationships. A lot of us, I mean, everyone is in relationship, and a common thing that I see showing up. A question that I get all the time is, what do I do if my partner is not spiritual? He doesn't want to meditate, he doesn't want to do yoga, doesn't want to eat my vegan food. How can I make him more spiritual? So I'd love to pose this question to you.

Yes, the answer is, you can't make him more spiritual. We get into relationships because we want connection, and your partner doesn't have to be exactly like you. And I hear this over and over again that women, either they go into the partnership and they were already on a spiritual path and they fell in love with somebody who wasn't. And then they're like, okay, now you have to change, or they weren't on a spiritual path, they get on a spiritual path, and then they say, okay, now you have to change. Either way, your job isn't to make your partner more spiritual. Your job is to accept your partner with where they are, and you can invite them, you can reflect to them. I mean, what I see often is the best kind of medicine is do your work, do your path, let your partner be who they are, and if they're interested, they're going to see you changing and they're going to want to join you. Perhaps, but perhaps not. Maybe their connection to spirit is through sports or is through their work. That's where their passion is. So I always invite women to look at what is your partner's passion or what is their gift that drew you to them and instead of trying to make them somebody else, honor what they're doing.

So very true. Yes. My partner, he works in the music industry and, like, produces electronic music. And it's so different from what I do, but I see that that is his spiritual practice. To be in the music studio, connecting to the sounds and. And being alone like that is meditation for him. It's not chanting mantras, but that's how he does it. And I totally allow that. And I think that there's such beauty and polarity seeing, like, wow, you see the world in a different way than I do. And we can discuss that. Whereas in the past, when I've dated the like, people who are exactly like me but in male form, I didn't feel that. I felt like, oh my God, I feel like, am I the dude? Like, it was just a little bit of a battle of really feeling that, like, not sure if I'm obsessed with you because we're very similar or repelled by you.

Yeah, exactly. And there's the gift of really respecting each other. And that's what we want. That's what makes good relationships, is that respect that I respect how you interact with the world and that I open to you respecting my choice. But mostly, even if your partner doesn't respect what you're doing, you get to respect what you're doing. That's not their job.

So how can we deal with that?

Because I hear that too of people.

With a partner who actually makes fun of what they're doing. They call it woo woo or they don't believe it or they're rolling their eyes. How can you cope with that type of relationship?

What I would say is it's a good thing to sit down with your partner if you're finding yourself getting triggered or feeling minimized because your partner's teasing you about your path or your choice choices. I'd sit down and have a really vulnerable conversation. And this isn't usually where we go, but I find this is what creates the healing and to say, you know, I've noticed that I'm really passionate about these things. I don't need you to be passionate about them. But what I find is that when you're sarcastic with me or when you roll your eyes, that I feel less open to you. And I really would like our relationship to deepen. So can you find a way to. You don't have to agree, but can you find a way to just respect my choices and what I'm doing and then to talk about what that would look like and to invite your partner to also be vulnerable. Because often people will do things like tease or make fun of because they're actually insecure, because they're afraid you're going to go off and not care about them or invest all your time in what else you're doing. And so if you can can bring your vulnerability forward and create the space for them to bring their vulnerability forward, then you can go deeper in the relationship if they can't meet you. And this happens sometimes people are like, well, no, I just think what you're doing is silly and I don't need to respect it. They can't meet You. Then the question becomes, do you need their approval? Can you just hold your center and know they're doing what they're doing? You want to be mindful that you're not in a partnership where the person's undermining you? And that would be. That's another question. That's another line of query, which would be, why do you need to be in a relationship that somebody's not honoring you?

And I think what people struggle with is what's the line? Right. Which is so personal. But what's the line between, you know, he's not on the spiritual path, but I'm just going to do my thing first. I really want someone that I can share this with.

Yes. And that just comes down to choice, to really listening to. What does your heart desire most? Is your heart desiring connection? And does that connection have to be spiritual, or can it be in other ways? Or is your heart really desiring a partner that's also on the same spiritual path and there's no right or wrong? And I think that's really important for women to understand is that it's not. Not better if you have a spiritual partner. It's just a choice.

Do you know Guru Jagat? She's the Kundalini Yoga author and teacher. I don't know if you've heard of her.

Yeah, I have heard of her.

Yeah. So her whole thing is like, don't date a quote unquote spiritual guy. And she's like this spiritual queen, but she's like, don't, because it's going to be too similar. And you need that polarity. Go for the guy who just loves what you're doing and is in awe of it, but he doesn't have to be on that same path. So I just thought it was interesting and kind of funny that that would actually be recommended by someone who's super spiritual, who's knowing energies very well, but saying, like, I've just personally seen that when there's one partner who's very passionate about the spirituality and then another partner who's more like, I love what you're doing and super supportive of you, that that creates a really beautiful dynamic.

Yeah, it definitely can. And I've also known people that both people are spiritual, but there's enough sexual polarity. There's enough polarity there to make it interesting. Interesting. So the key is absolutely the polarity. Sometimes when men step into spirituality, they go way more towards their feminine, and boom, the polarity's lost. So I think we're in a transition phase. Right now.

And I feel like the Toltec tradition has a little bit more masculinity to it.

It does. It definitely does. There's much more focus, clarity, energy connected to it.

Definitely. Yes. And I've seen definitely beautiful partnerships that both of them are. Are yogis or doing the exact same type, same type of meditation. And it's a huge part of their relationship that they bond over. And I see that as a beautiful, almost twin flame reunion. Do you believe in twin flames versus soulmates?

You know, I don't believe that there's just one. I'll say that I do believe that there are particular people that we travel around with lifetime to lifetime, and that. That just because you're in this lifetime with that person doesn't mean it's going to work out this time, or that the timing's right, or that you've done the healing that you're going to do, but that you're in service to each other in big ways. So I've definitely had this experience in this lifetime of meeting people that I know I've been in relationship with many times before, but it sometimes looks way different than I thought it was going to look.

Yes, definitely. We have that. That soul clan, and I think we kind of show up like, maybe your mom was your twin sister in the past life and your brother was your dad and, you know, changing rules.

Yep, exactly. Exactly.

So something that you write about in the Seven Secrets to Healthy, Happy Relationships.

Is that by saying, if he just.

Put more effort into this, if he just would meditate with me, if he just would come to my friend's house on the weekends, you're actually giving up your personal power. So can you share more on that?

Absolutely. When we put our focus on our partner and what we want our partner to do, we're out of ourselves. We're now leaning outside of ourselves and trying to change somebody else or fix them. And we actually don't have power because that's not our place of power. Our place of power is the question, what do I want to change? How do I want to be? How can I nurture this relationship? And the tricky part is that when we come back to ourselves and start asking questions around, how can I take action? You want to be asking those questions not from a point of view of how do I fix this relationship? I'm the only one responsible, but from a point of view of what can I improve that is already on my path, that I want to improve for myself anyway? And why I say this is, I see women sometimes Oftentimes, unfortunately, get into this thing of, like, if I just fix everything in myself, then the relationship will be okay. And there either is, I'm gonna fix him or her and then it'll be okay, or I'm gonna fix myself and then it'll be okay, like, I'm to blame or they're to blame, and we have to get out of the blame. We have to get back to a place of power of, I'm gonna try this, I'm gonna run an experiment, I'm gonna explore, and I'm going to use this as a way to grow myself regardless of what happens in the relationship. That is a much more healthy attitude.

I love that so much. So how do you recommend speaking our needs without giving up our personal power?

First, get really clear what your needs are. And it's actually more difficult than we think because sometimes we have a sense of, well, I just want them to do this. But if you really ask yourself, what am I actually needing here? So before, I always recommend, before you have a conversation with somebody of something that you're hot about that you're triggered about, that you're upset about, first write or sit and talk to a friend that will just listen to you so that you can figure out what's really going on. And keep asking yourself, what am I actually needing from the other person? And what am I actually needing for myself? That has nothing to do with them. And once you get clear about what the need is, then you can go towards the vulnerability. And that's such a great way to lead, is actually to lead with the vulnerability and not the vulnerability again from, I don't have power. Vulnerability is incredible. Power. Power. It's about opening to say, this is what's going on for me right now. And this is the question I have, or the query I have, or the need that I have, and how do we navigate this together? So instead of, I need you to do this for me, period, it's like, I'm really feeling this. What can we do? You know, when I was in a relationship, I remember one of the first times I got clear about a need that I had, and I went to my partner, I was like, you know, I realize this is really important to me. And my partner said, I can't give that to you. And I was. I took a breath and I was like, okay, that's fair. I'm going to go find a way to make this need. Or let's, you know, we. And we talked about it more, and it was a really beautiful moment for Me, because up to that point I would have been like, you have have to give it to me. But I had taken my power back and realized they don't need to give me anything. But I can ask and then I can make a decision. How important is it to me? And is there another way to have this need met?

So beautifully said. And I think also a lot of us think that that partner has to be the one who meets all of our personal needs when we can lean into our friends and tribe and teachers because we used to live in this tribe and community and now we're singular that we think our one partner has to, like, hit all of these things that I need. And, you know, sometimes a dude's not going to be the best person. You want to vent about what happened. Like, maybe that would be a friend or someone else. So I think what you said about seeing how important is that need for me from this person and maybe I can get it from somewhere else.

Absolutely. And I always look at. In a relationship, you're working to balance shared content and differentiation. So shared context is where are the ways that we're similar, what do we like doing together, what excites us? And this is partnerships, friendships. You need to have a certain amount of shared context. And then you also need differentiation. The places where you're not believing the same thing, where you're doing different things and you want to honor each other's differentiation. And the truth is, the closer you are with someone, the more differentiation you need because otherwise it's very easy to just merge and just do everything that they want that you think they want you to do, and you lose your sense of individuality. So we need a balance of things we love doing together, things we love doing apart.

I love that. So what do you recommend for couples who work together literally all day, they're just together and they're in a romantic relationship.

Having done that many, many times. What I recommend is that you have a line that this is our work time. And then you draw the line and you do something separate to end the work relationship for the day and step into the romantic relationship and that that gets really nourished because very easy to blur the lines where it's work all the time. So having a line that you demarcate. Now we're going to go back into romantic relationship with each other and that you really talk through. What do we want to do to nourish wish are the romance, the sweetness outside of the work relationship.

I love that. So what are some examples of, like, things we can do to draw that line.

Something would be like at the end of the work day, both people coming together and saying, thank you so much. That was a great day. You know, something just like work is now over and then going and taking a shower or going for a walk, doing something separate or exercising. And it might be together. You might decide, okay, we're going to go to the gym together, but that you make an agreement. We don't talk about work after 4:30, whatever the time is, or after we pick the kids up, the workday is done. Or it may be that you decide because of the nature of your work. A lot of couples that work together, it's not a 9 to 5 because they're running businesses and there's launches or big work times. It might be okay. This week we're like on 24 7, but next week we're going away. So the other thing you can do is even some sort of a ritual where when I used to work with someone, we actually had hats. We'd have our work hat. We'd then take the work hat off. Like work is done. So you can do something like that or saging the space or rattling or lighting a candle. That's okay. Now we're transitioning out of this world, one world, and into another. So what little ceremony or ritual can you do to mark that line?

I love that the ideas of the hats is really funny for ourselves too. You know, I work from home that there's like, I should probably wear a hat during the day just to be like, I'm off work now.

I can chill. Exactly. Yeah. Because it's easy to. To blur.

Yeah. Even some people, they wear like a uniform or something. Work clothes versus hanging out clothes. Something that's like, you know, it's. You're in a different mind state.

Yes. Yeah.

Awesome. Well, I loved all of this advice and the words of wisdom that you shared with us. Thank you so much. And where can listeners connect with you and get your books?

My website is heatherashamora.com and the books are there. And my publisher is Hierophant Publishing. So there's always book deals like packages there, which is a wonderful way to go. People can also reach me on Facebook at Heatherash Amara.

Well, thank you so much for sharing this incredible wisdom with us. That's very practical. I'm going to start wearing my work hat. I'm very excited about it. And for embodying your highest self.

Thank you so much. Sahara, so wonderful to be with you today.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. How epic was that episode, do you resonate with being a warrior goddess? You know, being a warrior goddess, like, when I first hear word I used to actually not resonate with the warrior archetype. I remember years ago, when I was 23, I did this goddess retreat with my friend. And each day we had people activate a different goddess archetype inside of themselves, which is exactly what I'm going to be doing in Rose Gold Goddess, my new monthly membership society, where each month we are embodying a different goddess and activating her in our everyday lives. Well, I started doing this when I was 23, teaching people how to do this. And I remember the goddess that I was not resonating with was Dirty Durga. I was like, she's so fierce and strong and, you know, powerful. And, like, I didn't like that. It was the part of me that hadn't fully stepped up and embodied my inner Durga that I found her aggressive, I found her brash, I found her masculine, you know, because I hadn't stepped up into my own inner Durga. And now me and Durga are girls. Let me tell you that, like when hits the fan, like I talked about on the episode about my wedding, when I didn't have a ride to pick me up to the wedding, they just decided to not show up. I brought out that inner Durga. Like, first, I was all calm, meditating. I'm gonna wait. I'm gonna wait. After an hour of not having a ride and almost not making it to my own wedding, I'm like, okay, I need to get involved. And that is when the Durga just came through. And I am grateful that she did come through because I had to bring out the lioness to get to my wedding. Had I not not, I probably wouldn't have made it to my wedding, and that would have really, really sucked. So this is why it is important for us to activate all of the goddesses, especially the goddesses. That may feel icky to us, they may feel unfamiliar to us, they may feel scary to us, because those are the parts of ourselves that we haven't fully owned. So if you're interested in diving deeper into the work of connecting to the goddesses, I invite you to to join my Rose Gold Goddess community. This is a monthly sisterhood society that each month we will be connecting and activating a new goddess archetype within ourselves. So head over to rosegoldgoddesses.com again, that is rosegoldgoddesses.com to get more information. We will be taking our founding members for a super discounted rate of only $9 a month. And this includes monthly webinars, PDFs, and tons of advice from music to meditation practices to connect with each goddess. And I'm so looking forward to seeing you at the launch party that we will be having in cities all across the world. If you loved this episode, I would love if you could leave me a review in the iTunes store. And as a free gift, I will share with you the first half of my unreleased book, Eat Right for your mind body type. Simply email a screenshot of your review over to Saharaetfieldfresh.com again, Sahara S A H A R aatfeelfresh.com and I will send you over the first half of my unreleased book, Eat Right for your mind body type. Thank you and namaste.

With that.