310: Breaking the Good Girl Myth with Majo Molfino

Namaste, it's Sahara Rose. And welcome back to the Highest Self podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you your soul's highest evolvement. If it's your first time listening, welcome. I am so grateful that the Great Awakening has brought you here. And if you're here all the time, what's up? How are you? And I'm so excited to have you for this episode because we are taught, talking about one of my favorite subjects.

Dismantling the patriarchy, you know, just another.

Day in the life. And if you're a guy listening, it's important for you to do this work, too. So a lot of you might know my story. I speak about it much more in other episodes, but essentially, I grew up never, never, ever thinking I would have a career writing books, speaking podcast hosts, and helping women activate their most goddess selves. That definitely was not on my periphery. I thought I was going to be a human rights lawyer, sacrificed my life for the cause, and I was very much a huge activist, and I still am, but it's taken on a different form. And it wasn't until this episode that I realized that it was exactly correlated to one of these good girl archetypes which we're going to speak about in this episode. So I always knew for myself that I definitely had this sacrificial energy to myself, that I always wanted to sacrifice my life essentially to create change. But it's interesting because I thought that to create change, I had to sacrifice my life. And that in itself is that myth that I had to break through that to make a change in the world.

I have to let go of my.

Joy, let go of my desires, give up my life for something else. I always thought that the way that you can be of service is to have no. No needs or wants of your own. And a lot of us have grown up receiving that message, being told, oh, you're such a good girl. You put your siblings first, or because you're so selfless, or because you took care of your younger siblings or whatever it was. We were always told that the good girl will be appraised and rewarded and, you know, get farther in life. Get married to a good man who takes care of you. And this is some patriarchal bullshit, because you don't need to be a good girl to be protected and safe, and you can protect yourself. You don't need a man to do it. And on top of, especially on the concept of sacrifice, which we'll dive into in this episode, you can help the world while still helping yourself. It doesn't have to be one or the other. In fact, now my work is helping people discover their dharma, which is the highest point of service, which is in alignment with your highest point of joy. So it's merging the two, not seeing them as separate, but seeing that thing that you really love to do that sets your soul on fire, that makes you want to continue to just be fully in it. That's actually how you can make the greatest change in humanity. So I sit down with my friend Maho, who just wrote this incredible book all about breaking the good girl myth, and we talk about what her five good girl archetypes are. These rules that we have been told from the time that we were children. We'll break it down in this episode and how to overcome all of it and the light and the shadow. Because it's not all a bad thing. Sometimes these patterns that we have, there is light, there is medicine in it. However, most of the times it's unconscious. So we're operating from the shadow side versus activating it so we can look.

At the light in it.

So we dive deep into what these common good girl myths are. How we are told to behave a certain way, to get appraisal by society, and how to, first of all, become cognizant of it. And then second of all, reprogram your mindset so you aren't operating from this place of essentially fear, fear of not.

Being accepted, fear of sticking out, fear.

Of being too loud, too much, too smart, too whatever it is, and claim your full sovereignty. So if you are interested in expression, and especially those of us who might be newer to our spiritual paths, who are like, I don't know how to handle my parents and going after what it is I want. Or maybe you grew up in a religion that is very structured. We speak about that in this episode with Maho growing up very Catholic. How to overcome that. So wherever you are on your journey, we always have ounces of this work that we still get to do. And we can continue to look back on these threads from our lives and see how it really does come full circle. Because at the same time, the way that we can highest serve is also related to our highest myth that we had to break through. So without further ado, let's welcome Maho to the Highest Self podcast. And before we get started, I'd love to share with you this special offer. Are you that person that all your friends and family members come to when they need wellness advice? Are you constantly looking up new ways to heal and balance your mind, body, and spirit, including listening to this podcast. Well, have you ever considered having a career becoming a holistic health coach where you get to decide your own hours or work with people tackling the subjects that you are the most passionate about and having financial freedom along the way? Well, I'm so excited to be teaming up with my very own alma mater Institute for Integrative Nutrition to offer their biggest discount yet. You'll receive $2,250 off tuition, an extra bonus that they're offering just with my highest self Podcast listeners on how to launch your dream book. This course is going to get you super clear on what your book is about and how to bring it out into the world. I've created a webinar for you on how to have a thriving business as a health coach. So using social media, creating passive income, how to have a wait list of clients and become the best known coach in your niche with raving testimonials, tickets to a live upcoming IIN conference where I will be meeting you over there. Super excited to connect and a bundle of all digital wellness guides like Ayurveda, Self Love, Whole Food Eating, etc so all you have to do is head over to my show notes. You'll see the link over there. It's a little bitly link. It'll take you right there. There you'll be able to receive a sample class, check out the curriculum, get all your questions answered and I'm so excited to have you on this mission raising the vibration of the planet together as a health coach. Again, head over to my show notes. You'll see the link right there and I'll see you inside. Are you ready to reconnect with your joy? That vibration of living in alignment with your heart where you are fueled with passion to fulfill your joy Dharma, your soul's purpose? Well if so, then I invite you to join us in Rose Gold Goddesses because this month we are diving deep into the energy of Lemuria, the ancient civilization based off of living a life of alignment with your true joy. In this two hour workshop we dive deep into what the Lemorian frequency is all about. Connecting with the mermaid and dolphin energy. Why we need community of more than ever and plenty of practices, rituals, journal prompts and so much more so you can finally make 2020 the year that you feel vibrant, radiant and full of passion to actually create what you were meant to do here on this planet and live your truth. Well, if this is resonating with you, then come join us in Rose Gold Goddesses. You are going to Love this Lemuria Circle and the eleven other goddess circles we have done. You have access to to all of them as soon as you join us in Rose Gold Goddesses.

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Is in the show notes and I.

Can'T wait to meet you.

You welcome Baho to the Highest Self podcast. It's so great to have you here.

Thanks Sahara.

And the first question I'd love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?

What makes me my highest self is having compassion and being able to see the dark and light sides of myself and other people and hold both of those extremes in love. I feel like that's one of my superpowers is like I'm someone who is really able to go into the shadow, into the conditioning, into the trauma and see it and see it in somebody else or see it in myself and still hold it with compassion. I feel like that's something that roots me into being my highest self when I can do that.

So beautiful. Yes. And it's so needed right now when people are really at odds with each other to be like everyone really wants the same thing. We all want healthy planet, healthy children, healthy everything. But we've all just been exposed to different news outlets, world experiences, et cetera that make us think the solution is different but really the desire is all the same.

Yeah. And are we willing to do the work in order to obtain all those things of looking at the hard things of the hard parts. And I've really appreciated seeing you being very vocal during Black Lives Matter and anti racism work we're doing that we can't spiritually bypass these things.

Yes. And now with all of the human trafficking that is coming to surface. So it's like the darkest of the dark now as lightworkers, it's up to us to bring it to light and then also committing to our own dharmas and our own inner work and not letting. Letting go of all of that, too, and falling into the despair. So it's that. It's that balance. And in your new book, Break the Good Girl Myth, you talk a lot about yourself and your life of growing up, you know, trying so hard to be the good girl, which I think all of us relate to to an extent. That's how society conditions us, and it stems from patriarchy. So can you talk a little bit more about how this good girl myth comes from patriarchal values in our society?

Yeah. So I take the time in the beginning of the book to lay the foundation. And one of the foundational concepts is, let's get on the same page about what the patriarchy is. And it's not a group of men that we point at and blame. It's actually a cultural social system that privileges men over other genders that has been around for thousands of years. It's global, it's old. It has friends like white supremacy and unchecked capitalism. So it works with all these other systems. But it's something that exists outside of us, but also exists within us. And one of the ways it exists within us is the good girl archetype. And so the good girl forms, and I describe it as a protective mechanism. We develop because we're born into the patriarchy as girls and women, and we feel like, okay, we're already second place. We're already, quote, unquote, the weaker half of the planet. And so how do we cope with that? What are the coping strategies we develop to assimilate and to get along with the men in our lives, but also the broader system and culture. One of the things we do is we develop the system, protection, layer of protection, and like an armor or a mask, that's what the good girl is. And for me, it had a lot to do with being a daughter of immigrants and also wanting to please my parents, particularly my father, who was a scientist and a researcher and who had left his country. So a lot of our narrative centered around him and what he had done. And so it's been a process for me, Sahara, of unlearning a lot of that early conditioning that I picked up as a daughter of immigrants and as a high achiever and a good girl.

I so relate to everything you're saying as also a daughter of immigrants. And my dad was a scientist too, and he went to MIT and he got all These degrees from there and would always talk about how he was so the smartest kid in Iran and came here and did all of these things that I always felt like I would never amount to him, but also the way I could receive his love was to try to be anywhere close to as, quote, unquote, successful as he was. And then, yeah, it sets you up for this perpetual, you know, disappointment because you're. You're never going to be that. And it's sad because oftentimes, as children of immigrants, we have a really hard time exploring this topic because of all the guilt.

Yeah.

You know, I know. For. For me, I was like, well, they also sacrificed so much for me, and I wouldn't be in this country if it wasn't for them. And, like, you know, you also just see how they really are trying their best. So I think a lot of children of immigrants don't even touch the subject because they don't want to at all that their parents did anything bad, even though it's not that they did something bad. It's just this unconscious block that happens.

Yeah. I remember this pivotal conversation I had with my aunt in Argentina when I was in my early 20s, in an existential crisis about what my purpose was. And one of the things I told her, she was an aunt who had stayed back in Argentina, so my parents had left. And I said, well, my parents sacrificed so much for me. I feel like they did so much for me. I have to repay them. And my aunt looked at me and she said something that really changed. I'm really grateful to her for this. She's a very direct woman. And she said, you know, your parents also left for themselves. And when she said that, it, like, freed up a lot of energy, like, the pressure that I had felt, like, oh, they do it for their children to give up opportunities. I was like, actually, they wanted to leave their country. They were tired of the dirty war, the economic collapse. They. They did it for themselves as well. So that helped alleviate some stuff and also see my parents as their own people with their own decisions and create some separation. And that was one of the major turning points. One epiphany through a conversation I had that allowed me to start to be okay with disappointing my parents so huge and so major.

I think that we put our parents on this pedestal, especially when the story of sacrifice is narrated, that, like, I can't. I remember I had this limiting belief that, like, American kids got to, like, live their dreams and, like, take risks and, like, take study abroad years and all these things. But I can't because my parents sacrificed so much. So I basically this lifetime is indebted to them, right. And it's so fascinating because then when you for example, when you look at yoga, right, A lot of the, most of the yoga teachers in the west are white. You know, why does that happen? Well, it's because most Indian kids were told go become a doctor, go become a pharmacist, go become an engineer, go become this, go become that, that them going to India and exploring yoga for most Indian parents, even though it comes from there would not be enough. So it's interesting how you know, it's like the Maslow's hierarchy, right? Like the more you have those, those basic needs and those wants and those desires met, the more you reach for self actualization. And I think that we' you know, born somewhere different and I've had to realize my parents and probably like yours because immigration comes with so much just like root chakra. Feeling unsafe in your society, feeling unsafe in your body, that that creates us starting from this place of like thinking about that. Whereas a lot of kids whose parents never experienced that get to start off of like what do I really deeply desire in my soul?

Totally. Yes, I think that's right. I always just went with the program with what my parents and family expected of me until it caught up to me in my early 20s and I'm in a dead end job, I'm in a cubicle, I'm breaking out on my skin, I have digestive problems, my body's screaming at me and I'm feeling like soul crushed. Like why? I felt like I checked all the boxes, why aren't I happy? You know, and then, and sort of having that moment of and to be like, oh, I'm playing a role, I'm wearing a costume. I've been a good girl my whole life and allowing that unraveling to start to happen. And I like to tell a lot of my clients and listeners it's not one epiphany that changes everything. I'm sure you've seen this. It's such a zigzag. The journey is not linear, it's really messy. So it's a combination of having these moments of awakening and then forgetting and then awakening. And that was pretty much all my 20s, right. Even after quitting that first job, I ended up going back into a similar job. It's like those of us who have a breakup and then we see it go back to the similar type of relationship. It's like it takes a while to Break a pattern. And for me, it took a lot of key moments. In fact, often leaving work, school, and being sort of in different spaces. For example, Burning man was a big moment on my journey that allowed me to break out. And I know that you've talked a lot about openly. I mean, on your podcast, you talk about everything. So, you know, medicine ceremonies have supported me. Experimenting with psychedelics have really supported me in breaking out of the good girl myth.

So when you began going on that journey and you felt, you know, I need to make a change, but my parents are going to be so disappointed in me, how did you deal with that?

I remember having these internal moments especially, yeah, in my early 20s where I started to see that there was a cost when I went along with what my parents wanted. And once I started to see that the cost was greater than the benefit, it's almost like I was like, okay, like, what is this costing me? I'm feeling unfulfilled. I'm not aligned with my purpose. I don't even know what my purpose is. What is it benefiting me? Oh, they're giving me approval. I'm feeling a sense of belonging in my family and tribe. And I break this down in the myth of rules. Rules give us benefits. That's why we go for them. They give us a lot of benefits. They give us convenience and ease. They give us belongingness and connection. They give us safety and approval. But again, what is the cost? And I think once I started waking up to the cost, I was like, this isn't working. And so I think really getting into, okay, what am I paying when I do this? And, like, letting yourself enter that and then asking yourself, is that worth it?

Yes. I feel like, for me, it was similar, even though it was a subconscious way, too, of one day realizing that I won't even have my parents in my life. Mortality. Right. And then I'm like, but I'm gonna have to live with myself forever. So am I going to choose to live with not living truth? Because I'm afraid of what a temporary figure in my life is going to be or myself, who's like, the eternal. The only eternal figure in my life. So that was, like, heavy. But, yeah, I think we all have these certain breakthrough things that we're like, yeah, I need to make a change. And then, of course, the sticky path to get there. And now you formulated so well with these five different rules, these girl rules that I love them, and I resonated with all of them. And I'll be sharing with the listeners, which One was my biggest one, these, these myths. So can you with us, what are the five good girl myths and how they're related to our lives, our relationships, our well being and all of the things?

Sure. So the good girl myths are five self sabotaging, often subconscious tendencies we picked up as little girls that we're still operating under in adulthood. And that's affecting our leadership as women. So that's what they are. And there are five of them. The myth of rules is the first one I tackle in the book because it's the foundation. If we can't break rules, bend, leverage, question rules, then we're not going to be able to unlearn the other myths. So it's like, let's start there. So that's the number one. Then the myth of perfection, which is my primary myth. It's when we're demanding perfection in ourselves and other people in a way that's not realistic and it's a way that we avoid embracing mistakes. So that's, that's the big one, the myth of logic, which is choosing logic over intuition, putting science and reason and logic on a pedestal. That's a really big one for me. That's my secondary good girl myth. The myth of harmony I see in so many of my clients. It's huge. I actually score low on this. I'd be curious about you, but this is when we're seeking harmony instead of embracing conflict and confrontation that's needed for change. And so it's, this is about using our voice. And then the myth of sacrifice is one of the oldest myths and it has the, what I call the thickest roots because it's passed down generationally, particularly through the matrilineal line. And it's putting other people's needs above our own, often at the expense of our own well being. So that's where it gets dangerous. And what I like to say about all these qualities and myths is none of these things are inherently bad. It's that we've swung too much in one direction, we need to come back to center. And it's also, it's about allowing ourselves to choose what we want to be in a given context instead of defaulting. So you can choose to be harmonious. If you want to be in a context, don't just default into it. You can choose to be sacrificing, but don't just default into it. Right. So it's about creating more freedom and choice is what, what I really wanted to make clear in the book.

They are so good. And as I was Reading them, I was like, oh, I recognize this in myself or this in my mom or this in whatever. So for me, the largest one that I scored in in your quiz was the myth of sacrifice. I'd love to start with that one and work through all of them. But definitely what you said. Generational. You know, in Middle Eastern families, a woman sacrifices. That's actually what her middle name should be. Sahara Sacrifice. You know, it's. And that's what actually makes.

Is that really your middle name?

Is that what your middle name is? Imagine destined for it if it was. But it might as well be every single Middle Eastern person, South Asian person. That's just what it's taught. And I remember as a child, like being like my mom being like, we're going to this party. I'm like, I don't want to go to the party. She's like, we have to go to the party. And I'm like, okay, fine, I'll go then. Why are you dressed like this? Why are you doing your hair? Why don't you look good? Why don't you just, why don't you that and then once you're there, like stay longer. This, that, that. And then if I wasn't complying to it, I was selfish. I didn't care about other people, whatever it was. So it's kind of sculpting you to have no desires for yourself. And the less like the woman that I see in my family, the ones who have like basically no, no needs at all, they're just completely silent and going with the flow. They're seen as like the best wives and the best mothers.

Oh yeah.

They're praised.

Yeah.

So let's talk about this myth of sacrifice and how it shows up in our lives.

Yes. So for every myth I break down, what it sounds like, what it looks like, what's the main strategy for approval and the powers we give up. So for the myth of sacrifice, sounds like I should prioritize the needs of others before my own. It looks like the tendency to do this often at the expense of your own self care and well being. And what is the main strategy for approval? So with the myth of sacrifice, it's very interesting. It's being selfless, it's being helpful, but it's also for a lot of women, saving the day. You know, if we grew up in families where women were the fixers and they were saving the day and they were getting, it's like you almost, it's like you can see women kind of getting off on it, like. Yeah, I'm going to fix this. I'm going to save the day for you, and I'm going to. In that journey, I'm going to be a martyr about it. And. But that's okay because it gives me satisfaction to get involved in this way. And so there's also that aspect to it that I think is worth noting. And the reason why I think this myth is so dangerous. I mean, all of them are very dangerous, but this one in particular is because the powers you give up are your time and energy. And why that's problematic, because it could seem really small, like, you're giving up an hour here for somebody else. You're giving up some extra energy there on another day. But all of that adds up to your contribution and destiny because we know that our daily actions add up to our destiny. And so if you're constantly giving up time and energy, even in small pieces, day by day, as your duty as a mother, sister, daughter, etcetera, you're going to miss out potentially on ever doing your dharma in this lifetime. It's possible for a lot of women now, I'm not. For some women, their dharma is to be fully in that role as mother, is to be fully in that role, that relational role. And that's beautiful. But to press on this, are you really choosing it or are you defaulting into it?

So good. And I completely, see, I call it like, the savior complex of, like, I'm going to, you know, save this person who's having a tough time. And, like, you can call me or text me whenever you need something. And in a way, you're. What are you getting back? You're getting their attention. You're getting. Getting their approval. You're also kind of getting off on the fact that they need you now in this situation. So I think it's like, especially in the time where women were so out of power, it was like their only means of, you know, a little bit of boost of power they could get of, like, oh, well, they really need me emotionally. But then you're pretty much placing yourself as a crutch, and then that person relies on you, and you're never truly free. So it's this very, very strange cycle. And. And 100%, I think that even for people who do have that, like, maternal role in their family, it's hard because then you're taught, like, being a good mother is having no emotional boundaries. So how can. If someone's listening to this, they have a lot of the Kapha archetype in them. How can they start Setting up some emotional boundaries in their lives while also remaining compassionate too. You know, I think we have a hard time with that balance.

Yes. So emotional boundaries is a huge part of what I talk about in the chapter. Because what we're really talking about is energy leakage. Right. When we don't have these boundaries, what is happening is we are absorbing other people's energies and their problems because we're no longer to distinguish that we aren't responsible for other people's problems all the time. There needs to be that separation sometimes. We're surely not responsible for other people's feelings that we know. And so, you know, I think one thing that I do first is let's just define what an emotional boundary is. Right. So it's a boundary between another person's emotions and our own. And what it serves to do is it protects our hearts, minds, bodies, souls in a way to stay with our own truth and self authority. Right. And so they're needed to create healthy relationships. Like, if you don't have emotional boundaries in your relationships, you're going to have that codependency that you just described. You're going to have these toxic patterns play out. And so when do we need them the most? When someone is coming at you particularly with a lot of negativity or sticky, heavy emotions. This is when we need to be particularly alert and put up our emotional boundaries. Even if we deeply love this person, especially if we deeply love them. Our best friend calls us. They just went through a breakup. They are going through intense grief. How can we hold space for them without absorbing and taking on the grief ourselves, taking on the anger ourselves. Right. And then getting involved in a, in a way that we don't need to get involved.

It reminds me of like in high school when there would be drama between two people and then a girl would get involved to like, be the counselor and help them. And like, in a way she just wanted to be in the drama. She wanted to get the attention and, and feel needed. Oh my God, I need to talk to you. I need that. And like, you know, get that. Like Judge Judy. Yes, but then you're living like that. And then the other way I see it pan out is relationships like finding men who deeply need you, and then they tend to have narcissistic behaviors. And that's why the empath and the narcissist tend to draw each other until that wound is healed.

Yes. And women with the myth of sacrifice and myth of harmony particularly are attracted to narcissists because they. One thing is For a narcissist, you need to be able to use your voice and stand up for yourself. But that energy leakage that happens between a narcissist, a narcissist will suck your energy. Any energy vampire, particularly negative person, can actually detect and sense what kind of boundaries you have and will prey on that. And so I think it's really important for you, even just within yourself, to like, strengthen those boundaries so you don't even attract those. Those kinds of people into your sphere. I talk about in. Just to jump around just a little bit with the myth of Harmony. My ex boyfriend, you know, I got a tattoo that I didn't want to get with his initials on it because I didn't use my voice. And straight up, he was a narcissist. But particularly because I had Harmony, didn't use my voice, and because I had sacrifice at the time, I kept having this idea that I could save him or fix him or, you know, that one day I could change him. And that's why good girls, often as stereotypical as it sounds, get paired up with quote, unquote, bad boys because they want to convert them somehow. And the media feeds that think about movies like A Walk to Remember and so many movies we've been fed of, oh, you're a pure good girl. Like, go save this, like, Lost Troublemaker.

I'm thinking of like some Mandy Moore movie. I don't know what that wants to remember.

Yeah, exactly. You know, and then we're just. It's also. It comes from media as well, and what we perceive, like the gender norms. Right. That we. And the scripts that we're supposed to play out. So going back to emotional boundaries, it's how do we care and listen with full attention but also have emotional boundaries? And I think what's so important in this, in these contexts is mindfulness and coming back to the body. And I know you do a lot of embodiment work with dance and all the spiritual practices you talk about and teach. I think it's so crucial that in the moment you are confronted with someone who's coming at you with that negativity to, like, plug into your belly your breath and your feet in that moment, just even taking deep belly breaths while that person's coming at you. Because what happens when you are with someone and you begin to merge with them attentionally? Have you ever watched a movie and you're. The heroine cries in the movie and so then you start crying? Yeah. So that's because you've. You're lost in the movie. Because your attention has actually gone into. Your absorption, has gone into it. When you come back to your body, you're actually reeling the energy back towards yourself. That's what we need to do when we are confronted with negativity or energy. Vampires, narcissists, anyone who's going to bring us down, we need to bring the energy back to the self and not merge.

I think that's probably why I've naturally been so drawn to embodiment practices. Because that was the myth that I had been operating from. And you have a really good affirmation in your book, I feel. But don't fix, which I love. Because especially right now, with all of the different causes that are very important, important and people are talking about it can feel like, especially for someone who has that myth of sacrifice, like, I have to be the one who's going to fix every single world problem. And like, because people are so passionate about it, they might be like, well then you don't care about the environment. Well then you don't care about human trafficking. Well, you don't care about this, you don't care about that. And I think for someone who really is like an empathic, heart centered person, it can feel so overwhelming because you're scattering all of your energy trying to show people that you care about their cause too. But then again, you're not focusing on an actual way that you can create a tangible difference.

I love that you're bringing this up because I also identified with sort of like save the world idealist mentality. And I was thinking about that, like around service, like what kinds of service we can do. There's some service where that's. I'll just call it for what it is. It could be more ego based service where we're coming from that more save the world martyr mentality. And then there's service that is aligned with our dharma and our purpose. And so I think with a lot of what you're saying, you're right. There's just like an infinite amount of suffering in the world and causes from like environmental degradation to animal abuse to child trafficking to racism. Right. Like there's just like such a broad. So coming back to what feels most aligned with my dharma, I think is a real simple question. And I know that's the work that you focus on so much. And I'm so grateful to you for that because I feel like that is going to help cut out a lot of the noise for people.

And I think also just the guilt of having happiness and joy when other people are Suffering and thinking, okay, well, once this issue is resolved, then I can be happy. And there's just an endless amount of pain and suffering in the world that when are you going to take a chance to celebrate and be happy as things are? And I remember people, I would read some spiritual books. They're like, everything is perfect as it is. And I'm like, no, it's not. Like, how could you say it's perfect as it is when there's all of these things? And now as I get older, I just understand, because it's like, it just is. And there's that duality, and it's like letting go of even the thought like, that you're going to be the one who's going to fix it and save the day. Because that is coming from ego, even though we think it's coming from selflessness. And I remember growing up, I was like, I want to die being a human shield. I want to be in front of a village in the Congo or a place on Gaza Strip and use my physical body literally to sacrifice to help potentially save someone. And, you know, of course, it's coming from wanting to help people, et cetera, but here I am thinking the only way I can be helpful is to literally die to try to help someone else. Like, pure example of this archetype right now.

Yeah. Where did you. Where do you feel like you got that idea from?

Like, I think I was like, to help, I have to go to the greater extreme, and the greater sacrifice I make, the more I am helping.

Do you feel like you got that, though, from any, like, religious story or spiritual tradition or, like, familial? Like, can you trace it back to our media or anything?

I was always very obsessed with, like, Mother Teresa and Gandhi and Ivy Wells and these, like, save the world figures. My parents weren't religious or spiritual at all, but something in my soul was like, I want to make the biggest impact possible. And then studying all these people, I'm like, okay, they all died for the cause. So the next logical step is, in my 20s, I'll just die for the cause, which hasn't happened yet, hopefully.

We don't want you to die, Sahara. We need you here.

But it's funny how, you know, these things do manifest in every decision that you want to make. And I thought for me, to be a noble person is to sacrifice joy and happiness. And I remember I had a cousin who's very, you know, pleasure focused. She'll eat the good foods and drink the good wine and, like, live that life. And I'M like, she's a narcissist. She's selfish.

Yes.

How does she not care when that's my own ego of being like, look, I care so much. I'm such a good person. Person.

Totally. The biggest fear for women with the myth of sacrifice is being called selfish. Right. Like, that's the worst thing that you can possibly be called. You know, for someone with the myth of logic, it's being called woo woo. Like, that's the worst feel. Like if you call them.

No, I love woo woo.

That's why you probably. You don't score it very high on the myth of logic. I doubt. But. But you know, and so for the myth of perfection, it's like being called messy or like, you know, and so we each have our things that we fear. And often with the myths too. It's like, I've noticed that. I love the example you have of your cousin because what we ourselves disown, of course, is the thing we will envy or judge in the other person. So often I've noticed women with the myth of perfection will judge, you know, women with the myth of harmony and.

What are the fears. So the myth of logic is to be called woo woo. The myth of. Of. Of mind sacrifice is to be called selfish. What are the other ones?

So the myth of perfection I mentioned, like, if you were called messy, you know, that feels like to be seen in your messiness or to be seen in your imperfection is like, Is the deepest fear.

It's so funny because sometimes I get emails from people like, you have a typo here. And I'm like, who cares? Like, it's. I don't care about a typo at all. But I'm like, why did they feel the need to go so far to send me an email. Email about it? But I'm like, they probably have that. They're probably like, oh, Sahara has a typo. She probably doesn't want to appear messy. But like, yeah, it's so interesting that one person wouldn't be hung up over something that could like literally draw another person to action.

Yeah. For the myth of rules, the biggest fear is getting in trouble, being bad. You know, potentially getting in trouble with authority, getting caught.

Very like the Catholic schoolgirl archetypes.

100. I think if you're listening to this, came up and had a religious upbringing that you're maybe trying to unwind. You probably have some myth of rules in there. That's a big one. And the myth of harmony. Yeah. I think the biggest fear for women with the Myth of harmony is being not being liked and disappointing others. That's a big one.

Yeah, I think enneagram9 is that one. We'll take a quick break so I.

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Your life the way it has mine. So let's talk more about the myth of harmony. How does this show up?

Well, the myth of harmony is very deep. It's wanting to go along with the flow and avoid being difficult. So women with this myth, they seek a lot of harmony in a way that avoids conflict, that's actually needed for a relationship to mature and grow. And so, you know, the main strategy for approval is getting along, being pleasant, being very likable. But what do you sacrifice? What do you give up when you are following the myth of harmony, voice and truth? That's really big. I mean, I think so many women hold back their voices in relationships because they see a trade off. Like, if I actually speak up and say what I actually think about this to my girlfriend, she's going to get mad at me. Or if I actually speak up to my father in law, I'm going to cause family drama and issues, so I better just not say anything. And how many of us have done that in small and big ways? Like, you're getting a massage and the masseuse is like, if this pressure is too hard, let me know. And then you're just like, I just won't say anything. You know, you let it slide.

I used to catch myself doing that and, like, in pain, I'm like, why can't I speak up? And it's, it's that, it's that, like.

You know, and so it's fascinating. And we're seeing with like, movements like, time's up and meets too, where women in large numbers are starting to break this good girl myth. And it's almost like when we have the power of numbers, I'm noticing that we're able to also withstand the backlash that happens when we break the myth of harmony. Because guess what? The patriarchy does not like it when we stand up and use our voices. Are you experiencing that? Because you. I love. I'm just like, like, first of all, y' all have to follow Sahara on TikTok. And in general, I'm sure you already do. But, like, what I love about you is, like, you're so. You're just like, very direct. You say what's exactly in your mind. You're unfiltered. Do you find you get backlash?

I do definitely get backlash. But I think this harmony myth I had to get rid of a long time ago because it is very perpetual in my family. And like I mentioned before, the people who go along with this myth are deemed as, like, good people. So I definitely realized, like, yeah, I'm never going to move along with that. But I recently watched the show called Indian Matchmaking. Have you seen it?

Oh, my God. I binge watched the whole thing.

So I'm like, wow, look at how much they're perpetuating this myth of harmony, of the number one thing is the girl has to be flexible. She has to be accommodating. And what does that mean? No desires, no needs of her own, that she'll literally like fine tune herself to meet her mother in law's needs, which were never her expectations that she was meant to fulfill in the first place. And because this mother in law had to do the same thing for her husband, husband's family, it's almost like this. I'm gonna get you back energy.

Totally. Yeah. And that's why the patriarchy is passed down not just by men, but by women. You know, mother to daughter, sister to sister. We all spread this culture and these gender norms and this messaging and often because of what you just described, the ways that we've been hurt by it and, you know, we feel like we wanna, wanna give back. And I think I listened to, I read a. A critique of Indian Matchmaking, and the director said she felt like she was showing this is the spectrum of Indian culture that you see. And India, like so much of the world, is still very patriarchal. So I wasn't surprised, you know, and also seeing that, I was like, yeah, especially that, that one, the one at the end with. With who got married to, I think that man named Akshay.

Akshay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She was just grim.

She was. It was grim. It was grim. I was watching. I was like, I'm heartbroken for her. God bless you, child. Child. God bless you. Yeah.

It was so sad because you could just see that neither of them wanted to be there, but both of them were so just trying to follow the expectation of their parents and go with the flow and not stir up the pot and not create controversy that they're literally giving up their lives. My grandma was in a forced child marriage when she was 11 years old and her husband died. My grandfather died when she was 27 years old. And she became a widow very young, which is seen as like, like, you know, you're garbage. No one loves you. And she changed and became a total bad girl after that. Like, had all these different, like, sexual partners and would, like, go shopping in all these places. And all she would talk about was like, her anger with. She didn't have the word of the myth of harmony, but her anger at men, you know, and it was like that of Like, I did everything I was supposed to, and look where I ended up. And I think that sometimes, you know, not to that extreme, but it happens of you try to go with the flow. You try to make everyone happy, but they're still not happy. Happy that you reached this breaking point of like, screw this. I'm not playing by your rules anymore, 100%.

I've talked to a lot of girls, women, friends, girlfriends, who are like, you know, I didn't really identify as a good girl. And then as I went deeper and talking about their childhood and adolescence, I realized they hit that breaking point early. Like, they did not fit in. Maybe they were extremely creative. Maybe they were, and they couldn't sit still in school. Or maybe they had a lot of sexual desire and then they were reprimanded by their parents. Parents that they early on were like this, like, I'm gonna stick a big middle finger to the patriarchy and become, quote, unquote, embrace what seems to be the only other option, the bad girl archetype. You know. And so, you know, I talk about this. Whether you are assimilating or reacting to something, you're still being controlled by it to some degree. And so even if you grew up as a quote, unquote, bad girl, you know, it's still interesting to see how you have anger, you know, towards the patriarchy that needs to somehow be digested or processed in a way for you to heal.

It's like the independent woman archetype of like, I don't need a man. I don't need anything. I'm good on my own. But it's really because you. You probably have given your trust to someone who has not fully met you. And because of that, you're like, no one is trustworthy. I have to do everything on my own. Which is also what the patriarchy wants to. For you to now have be so, you know, like the single mom who works multiple jobs and does everything and doesn't need a handout. Like, no, you deserve support. And I think it's really hard to find that complete healing to, like, integrate with. Yes, I have this need and this desire, but it's not perpetuating all of my decisions in my life.

Totally, 100%.

So let's talk about the next myth, the myth of logic.

Oh, my. One of my favorites, the myth of logic. Logic is the myth that usually comes to us from schooling. So if you were told that you were smart growing up, if you excelled and got straight A's, if you had, like, rigorous sort of academic training, you often will develop this myth of logic. This is my case. And you know, we live in a system that really idolizes Western science and medicine and kind of looks down on. And now it's gotten better. Obviously we're in 2020 but growing up particularly, it's like these other modalities are all like woo. And intuition isn't something that we really need to listen to. Like you know, art and creativity is like a dead end path. It's never going to bring you anywhere. So focus on safe careers, focus on critical thinking, focus on mathematics and STEM fields. And what happens is a lot of women start cheating, disconnect from their bodies. They become very cerebral. And this is, it's great to be smart and it's great to have that intelligence. But are you tapping into your full intelligence? What about this other reservoir of intelligence that you haven't even been looking at or you felt cut off from or you've been neglecting for years? And that intuitive intelligence, the intelligence of the body, the intelligence of feelings, the intelligence of imagination, all of that, what we call feminine intelligence has been completely cut off. And so for the myth of logic, it's really the journey of reclaiming that intuition. Because when you are at a crossroads and you have to make crucial life decisions, you want to be able to draw on all the intelligence. You have your logic and your intuition and, and your creativity. So, so really in this chapter I break down, okay, how do we reclaim our feelings? Because that's a big first step. How do we reclaim our imagination? Because a lot of us, especially if we were sensitive, artistic children, as in my case, you know, that was seen as sort of like weird or freakish or something that was like, you know, it's interesting. Boys in the patriarchy, if they present any feelings or imagination, they're extremely ostracized, right? They're completely, they're in fact they're, they're told, they're like girls. And even then girls who present feelings and imagination are then also told that they're hysterical, they're not believed by medical system. So it's. The problem is real. And also just waking up to this problem of like how do we reclaim and unlearn a lot of this sort of deep also Western mentality, Western, medical, scientific. And by the way, I'm not saying we should throw that stuff under the bus. I don't think it's like, let's just toss it out the window. I think it's about integration and not leaving any parts of us behind.

100 my dad is entirely this myth. And I remember as a kid, every time I would like cry or something, he would say, be logical, not emotional. And that was like the constant mantra, logic good, emotions bad. Or, you know, whenever I'd cry, he'd be like, I don't even understand a word you're saying. So it's like if you cry, no one will listen to you. And I get what he was trying to teach me. But I remember, you know, growing up, they were like this. The smart, successful females were like engineers, astronauts, like scientists, like, look, there's a woman who created this like chemical thing. And it's almost like the way for a woman to be smart is in this more masculine, analytical way. And if you are a smart. And there was always this desire for more girls in like the AP and honors maths and sciences, but if they were in the literature or history, that wasn't anything special. So instead of like honoring the fact that the feminine masculine brain is, you know, wired a bit differently, it was smartness looks like a masculine version of intelligence.

Totally agree. And, and we can see it in how our schools prioritize, guys. Science is at the top, arts and humanities at the bottom, all the way to the university level. And then that's reflected in the workforce. Highest paid jobs in sciences, medicine, engineering, which is why our immigrant parents pushed us towards those lowest paying jobs, humanities, arts, education. So our society values this. And so it's natural, it's not our fault that we would then in ourselves, if we're seeking social approval, go along with it and fall for the trap of the myth of logic. And again, what is the cost? What is the price you pay? For so many of us, we are truly artists and we're truly creative and we have so much imagination to give and we just kind of repress all of that. And so much of my journey on this path, the heroine's journey of deconditioning and unlearning, has been about reclaiming creativity. And looking at that part of me that's skeptical, you know, that's kind of cynical. Where did that come from? You know, it kind of like, oh, like, you know, rational, very tense, very serious, you know. So I have this really great process where you get to look at your inner skeptic versus your inner artist. And I think for women with the myth of logic, that's really helpful.

I remember you made a post on Instagram how you realized in yourself that you had created this idea idea that like being a little bit like skeptical or darker was like more intelligent or nuanced. And those, like, very light, bubbly, positive people weren't as deep. And I think, you know, in our minds, because of the movies, et cetera, we're fed that. So can you talk a little bit more about this and the decision you made to step into more optimism?

Yes. You're referring to a positivity experiment. I did. I did one week of maximum positivity where I. I spoke and thought more positive things than negative things. So I tried to get my ratio to be 3 to 1, which is what they show, researchers show, is where resilience is. And I decided to do that because I had this aha, which is that exactly as you described, I had associated positive people as. It's. I feel embarrassed to say it now when I uncovered this subconscious belief, but I kind of thought they were doing dumb or like, they're a little, like, stupid, and then I should be a little suspicious of them. They want something from me. If you're too positive and you're smiling and you're, like, happy for no reason, like, what's wrong with you? And while I was doing this experiment, you know, as the universe shows you signs, I went out to Santa Monica with my husband, and we were at a parking lot, and this little kid was with his dad, and he was laughing hysterically, and he was laughing about nothing. He must have been two or three years old. And the dad was saying to him, him, why are you laughing? You got nothing to laugh about. What are you laughing for? He doesn't even laugh for no reason. He's laughing for no reason. And I realized the dad was sort of like, teasing him for laughing for no reason. Because it's almost like joy needs a reason. We need to trace back an origin. If you're just feeling this joy, it's really kind of uncool, you know? And so we get. I think we get messaging early from parents and society that. That being positive and optimistic is something to be wary of. And then layer on culture. I'm Argentinian, so if anyone, if you have any listeners that are Argentinian, they might know, like, we come from a culture where, like, you know, complaining and negativity is kind of cool. Like, it's kind of the way we get along and we bond and it's, you know, Argentine culture is weary of positivity. You know, I've noticed that, like, so. So you gotta. You layer on. There's, like, cultural layers. There's so many things that. That prevent us. So when I did that experiment was amazing. I felt so much better. I had so much more energy. Like, I gained back all this energy because I was draining so much energy through, like, mental complaining and verbal complaining and stuff. I didn't even realize.

So true. You know, I think we all, like, subconsciously hear this, that, you know, the smarter person, I don't know, like Devil Wears Prada. Right. It's like, she's very serious and that's why she's so successful. And the new intern is like all giddly and smiley because she doesn't know. And I think about, like the whole New York versus, you know, I grew up in Boston on the east coast, and people are always like, you don't seem like an east coast person because I very quickly dropped that, like a hard east coast shell. But like, in New York, it's all about, like, being very serious and like inwards in your coffee shop. And LA is very like, hey, how are you doing? Starting a conversation with people. So New York people are very suspicious about LA people and LA people feel like New York people are very closed. And then culturally, I think Argentina is so influenced by Europe.

Yes.

And I remember when I did this, like, study abroad thing in Paris, they were. It was a class on, like, French and American cultural differences. And they were like, the French are like coconuts. Like, from the outside they have this very, very hard shell. But when you move past it, they're so sweet and warm and will actually be lifelong friends with the people that they are friends with. Whereas Americans are like peaches on the outside. They're very warm and soft and fuzzy, but they won't actually let you deep inside. So I thought, you know, of course it's a generalization, but I'm so much sense, because in America it's like, think about alcohol. Alcohol causes you to be more social, to go to the party, to talk to every single person. France, Europe, maybe Argentina, it's more cigarettes. Cigarettes causes you to be like, in the dark corner with someone in this, like, very, very deep conversation. And that's what's considered cool in the respective cultures.

Totally. It's so fascinating to talk about cross cultural patterns with this stuff because, Yeah, I think, you know, one of my main arguments in the whole book is that that culture affects our beliefs and who we are. And it's so important to look at particularly the cultures we grow up in and we're born into and the specific set of rules and messages and norms that they have handed us.

And it's going to be interesting with, you know, so many young kids spending this year in quarantine and whatever the world is going to look like after. So we're not even getting those same cultural nuances because we're not really seeing people anymore just on the Internet, which is not true. Anyone's true self. How that's going to shift the, you know, generation Z and the generation, you know, after, that's like belief systems, nuances, et cetera.

I know, it's so fascinating.

Yes. So let's talk about the myth of perfection.

My fave. This is like my deep, deepest myth. It's my primary good girl myth. So in the book, you can take the assessment in chapter three and find out which is your primary and the myth of perfection. I start off talking about how being an immigrant, I started to lose my native language when I was really young. And I felt a lot of embarrassment and shame around it. And I think a lot of daughters of immigrants might really late. And one of the reasons I refused to speak Spanish with my parents was because I stopped being good at it. And at that point, I think by the time I was five or six, I had sort of developed this idea of myself as like, smart and good at things. And if I wasn't like great at something right off the bat, I sort of quit it or I wasn't interested in it. And that's because I developed something called fixed mindset. And anyone who was sort of patted on the head as a little girl and told they were special or talented or gifted did, will develop a fixed mindset, which is the belief that traits are fixed instead of can grow through practice. So it's almost like I didn't want to put in the practice of trying to make my Spanish better, you know, and plus I wanted to assimilate with what was considered higher culture at the time I was living in Canada, so it was assimilating with Canadian culture and English speaking culture. And so I regret it, but I, you know, started to lose my language and, and that's, you know, I give that example because it's like when we're following the myth of perfection, there's so much that we can lose. And for each of us, it is specific. We all have a story of something that we gave up on, you know, because we want it to be perfect. And what are we avoiding when we're trying to be perfect? We're really avoiding vulnerability. We're avoiding just looking stupid or, you know, we're avoiding that making of mistakes. And therefore we don't take risks. So I spent a big chunk of this chapter talking about creative confidence and my work in design Thinking and how we can. One of my favorite antidotes to the myth of perfection is actually prototyping, particularly thinking about how we can take ideas that we have and make dinky versions of them that we're not precious about, that we can experiment with. And this is very. It's a very design thinking mindset. It's also very entrepreneurial. And I think women who are gripped by perfection can really learn a thing or two from design around how they prototype and are scrappy and purposefully imperfect in a way to sort of gain forward momentum and get unstuck.

So what would that look like? For example, maybe someone wants to write a book. Like they write, like a very, very messy first draft or create a very sample product with their own homemade label on it.

Right, exactly. So if you wanted to write a book, there's two ways you could go about it. There's one way could be like, okay, I'm going to go and try to get a book deal and before I even develop my concept or idea and try to get an agent and go through the process and spend three years on it and work on it in my little cave and then come out about it, or in the early stages particularly, I can test this idea or this concept and see if whether people resonate. And so one of the things that I talk about about is this key idea and design thinking around embracing constraints. So if I told you, for example, like, say we're going to do an experiment, you want to write a book. Okay, imagine I gave you some crayons and a few pieces of paper and I said, write the book in 10 minutes. You're like, oh, you give me a constraint of 10 minutes. Suddenly I have to bypass my overthinking and I have to just make some messy quick thing. I'll fold the paper, I'll write a title, I'll put chapter one, I'll put chapter two, I'll make a little flow, I'll make a drawing and I've made a prototype in 10 minutes of a book. You'll say, well, what's the point of that? Why do I want to do that? Well, you've moved into action. A. Instead of just staying stuck and quiet, you have something to show someone, to start a conversation and get feedback if you want. Want, of course, caveating to them. This is just a prototype. I'm just experimenting. Right. And so you've already taken more steps towards it than sort of like building it up in your mind and raising the bar really high in a way that's got you in paralysis or procrastinating.

And I feel like that's what happens to most people. They're just like. I remember the first book that I wrote that I didn't have a book deal for. I thought I would just write it. Well, I was just writing for two years and I still did not know like what to even put in or what not to. And I was just like, so in this constant processes, it's not ready, it's not ready, it's not ready. And then finally when I did get a book deal and I had two months to write a book, well, guess what? Somehow in two months I got a book done because of that deadline. So I do think deadlines are so needed for, for kind of any big project because then our, the perfectionist in all of us is going to keep finding things that are wrong with it.

Deadlines invite us to be brave. That's what I'd like to say they do. They're invitations for complete bravery. Because now you only have a week to write it. You only have three weeks to write it. And you will, you will write it. You will. Will you write it perfectly? No, but you will write it and you'll get it done. And then you can iterate and refine it. So I'm a big into iteration and refinement. Instead of sinking in a lot of time into something thing, sink in a little time and iterate on it and improve it small. So with the book, with this book, a lot of people don't believe that this book is 273 pages. It started out as a one pager that I showed a few clients. And on the one pager it was visual one pager, it had the synopsis of the book, comparative titles, it had a little diagram. It had a potential book title. And I just showed this one pager and got feedback. Then, then I actually, when I was doing the book proposal, I folded up paper and I laid out the book with the way I described with crayons. So taking it to a second prototype, to a second level of resolution, this is just my process. Everyone's different. But what I'm trying to share is that with that design thinking process, you kind of start to de risk the idea and like, you start to actually see like, do I have something here that's like worth sinking in a lot of time and worth pursuing?

And it's a smarter use of your time. Because the way I did it was like, I'll just write the book, I guess, like, no bouncing the idea. And then look, it's like a two year long process that I'm grateful for it and it's whatever my journey needed to be. But it was not the most efficient with my time, for sure.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it's interesting. I think the myth of perfection for me. Early on I learned that I progress by just like, like take action, get the feedback and take the action again, which is eventually leading you to perfect thing. But maybe because I was like a blogger that it was like every single day I would just like write a blog post that I realized that the, you know, this is like over 10 years ago, but the biggest bloggers out there, they were just very consistent. So I would be like, okay, let me just keep churning things and bringing things out versus I know, you know, some people I know will spend like a month on this like perfect blog post and then they're so scarred by the experience, it'll be another six months before they write the next one.

Yeah. You're describing another constraint which is quantum quantity. Right. So if you are doing more of something and consistently and in quicker time frames. Yeah. You're less precious about it. And guess what, you're going to get better at it too. Than if you're spending a lot of time being rigid and perfecting this one thing and trying to get it. And then that creates more attachment too. Like when you're blogging every day you're like, I have another one tomorrow.

Right. Yeah, just getting it out there. And I think that's what social media, et cetera, are helping people get good at of. Like, let me just keep churning my ideas out because I'm going to have a new one tomorrow. And I think that, you know, writing something like a book, like, we know that you probably wrote the majority of this book like last year. Right. Because there's so much time between, you know, the book being done and it actually coming to print. And in this year, I'm sure now you read the book and you're like, oh, I would have added this, I would have changed that. I would have done things differently. And you know, already with, with my book, even though I'm still in the end of the editing process, it's like, you can't really change that much at this point. So I think anytime you write a book, just accept the fact that you're going to learn and you're going to grow. And guess what? All of the new ideas that you've been cultivating over the past year and will in promoting this book can be in your next book.

Exactly. Yeah. For me Writing this book has been about letting go of my own good girl. Myth of perfection. Exactly. And to embrace the fact that it's evolving and it's in process, and it's never going to be perfect. You. You can take any book off any bookshelf in a library, and you can edit it. Yep. And then someone could edit your edits, and it could go on forever.

It can never end. Exactly. Eventually you just realize, like, it is enough. It's good as it is. Keep the ball rolling.

Keep the ball rolling. Yeah. And that's how we're going to start to share our voices. Because I think if we grew up as good girls with a fixed mindset, that's where we're sitting stuck. It's. Our creative confidence is lower, and we need to bolster it by taking action, prototyping, not being precious, just getting it out there.

100%. And now let's talk about the last myth, the myth of rules, which you touched upon a bit. But just for people who might still really have this one, let's dive in.

The myth of rules is the one I start off with because it really does lay down the foundation. And this is when you're going along with other people's expectations instead of trusting your own desires, needs, and opinions. The powers you need to reclaim for the myth of rules is purpose and self, authority, but particularly purpose. So a lot of that, you know, in the myth of Rules, I. I point people to. To get access to a death meditation. Why? Because death is a great clarifier and can help us understand our purpose. When we know that we're going to die, suddenly it's like, wow, let me prioritize what really matters to me right now. Like, I don't have time to waste. Right. We're under the illusion that maybe we'll just, like, live forever, that death couldn't take us tomorrow. But if we really step into that, it could, then we can really sink into our purpose. And so redesigning, redefining success for ourselves above and beyond expectations and rules. That's the process with that. And one of the tools is looking at death. But I have a few others in there. Definitely going through the checklist of all the rules we've inherited. There's so many. Whenever I hear a client use the word should, I'm like, myth of rules. You know, I should be trying to get a promotion. I should be trying for kids right now. I should be losing weight. I should be. I'm like, wait a second. This is coming from somewhere. This isn't Coming from your deepest, most authentic self. And so I think really looking at how we have internalized rules from schools, family, religions, and pop culture so we can start to unwind all of that.

I've been thinking a lot about this phenomenon of the Karen. You know, we're always talking about the Karen who is this. This, like, white baby boomer woman who is obsessed with rules. She's obsessed with. Things are supposed to be like that. You're breaking this rule. Are you supposed to be here? And I'm like, where did she come from? And she came from her. She got her safety growing up in life by following the rules. That her only sense of purpose is to make sure other people are following the rules, despite, you know, any nuances of. For example, I was on TikTok today, and there was this girl literally calling this woman, calling ICE the immigrant detention center on this homeless person because she looked like she was an illegal immigrant. And she had to do the right thing and make sure that they checked if she was an illegal immigrant or not. And here she was thinking that she was doing something so righteous. And the person on TikTok was like, do you realize she's there with her little daughter? She's not bothering you. Like, mind your own business. But this woman was like, no, she's not following the rules. I don't know if she has papers, and I'm not going to leave until they check if she has papers.

Yeah, what you're describing is like, a policing mentality mentality. And so a lot of people, women particularly, if they were highly policed as little girls, they will police other people, and they have a little inner police telling them all the time what they can and can't do. And that's why they feel so righteous, because they. By the way, I'm saying, they. But I also have the myth of rules within me. So it's within me. You know, I've noticed that I can get righteous about it because if. If I, you know, as a little girl, I was very much a rule follower. And if I played a game where the boys didn't follow the rules, I would get super angry. I would feel such a sense of injustice and righteousness. And I don't have to go to the teacher and tell them, you know, I was like, the tattletale. Right. You know, and I think you're right. I think it's really dangerous because we're getting into that is coming from a place of, like, rigidity and also, like. Yeah, like, wanting to, like, level the playing field, but, like, it's not actually coming from a place of care.

It's very much. I had to follow the rules, so you should.

Yes.

Instead of, why are they there in the first place?

Exactly. Exactly.

Yeah, it is. I mean, now, it's interesting that we've. We've all noticed it so much across the years that we've given it this name. You know, I feel so sad for anyone named Karen right now, but it's like, the fact that we're all like, oh, I know exactly what it is. Shows that we've all had. You know, I think of, like, the librarians in schools that are like, do not talk. Do not do this, do not do that. And it's like, you're stopping, like, children from giggling, but you gotta follow the rule. Right. And, you know, they're taught that that's what it means to be a good teacher, good support system, whatever it is.

Yeah. And I think that strictness does come from what you identified as, like, the need to feel safe. Like, if we don't feel safe within our own bodies, we don't feel safe in our world. World. We become more strict, more controlling, more constricted, more policing.

And what I see happening, too, is, you know, especially, like, a lot of my friends went to Catholic school growing up, and now they're in this place of really exploring their sexuality and having so much shame around it because they've been taught that, you know, their body is sinful, their desire is sinful. If they're not a virgin, no one's going to love them. And. And because of that, they flipped to not honoring their bodies for a period of time in their lives. From complete strictness to complete. Like, the wild. The wild girl. Right. And now finding that balance between the two.

I love that. Yeah. I think sometimes we have to go to the far reaches to come back to center and integrate, which, you know, at the end of the book, I give the integrated quality of each of these Good Girl myths, You know, like. Like, how do we. Every Good girl myth has a shadow side, but has a light side that we can explore. That I think is, like, the gem of the myth. You know, like, sacrificing is a really beautiful thing because it involves future visioning. Like, someone who is like you. Right. Like, it's like, if you can understand sacrifice, you understand what it means to sacrifice today for something more beautiful. Tomorrow is how we're going to build a better future. So I think that's the integrated quality of it.

That's so true, because I was, like, obsessed with the Future. Growing up, I was like, made a future club. You're just like, talk about what's going to happen in the future. So that's probably the light side of that myth. And what are some of the light qualities of the other ones?

Sure. So let me flip to it here. So for rules is learning and creativity. That's the strength for rules. Because I feel like people who understand rules are able to learn quickly and they're able to be resilient and new and environments because they can quickly observe, like, okay, what are the rules of this environment? And so they're, they're able to. And also great creativity, ironically, involves constraints and rules. When I went to. I had an art teacher in college. I went to community. At one point, I went to community college to take some extra classes because I'm such an achiever and. And the art teacher was watching me draw and I was saying, oh, you know, and she's like, you know, some of my best students have been engineering engineers. And I thought that was so fascinating. She's like, because they understand structure and for great drawing there needs to be a little bit of structure. And so I think there's that nuance there for perfection. I mean, excellence, you know, I think that's the beautiful quality. Like, think about, like incredible Japanese craftsmen, you know, like quality and excellence. Like, that's when. When I think that when that attribute is well integrated, logic is investigation and discovery. Discovery, which is why it's great for science and harmony is. I have one good sister of mine, girlfriend, who is very high on the myth of harmony. And she's just the best at nurturing relationships. Like, she's so, for me, she's so wealthy because it's not about the money she has in her bank. It's about the community and relationships that she has given so much of her time to. And that feeds her back, you know. And so I think that that's big. And she's truly a wonderful peacekeeper. When it's integrated, she really is able to keep the peace in a way that she creates these really beautiful, harmonious environments and tea ceremonies where, like, you just enter and like, suddenly, like, all your problems dissolve and you feel so at peace. And I think that it's that feminine quality that she has. Well integrated, you know, as long as she's not avoiding conflict, I'm all for it. And then sacrifices, future visioning and generosity. I think that people who have the myth of sacrifice are extremely generous and we need generous people in the world. There's nothing wrong with that. It's beautiful quality. As long as they're taking care of themselves.

I love it. So instead of beating yourself up, this whole podcast, I have this myth in.

That there's light to all of it and all of it. That's the catch.

So this is such an amazing book to dive deeper into and you offer, like, incredible practices for each myth and so much more. So where can listeners get it and connect with you?

Sure. So you can buy the book@goodgirlmyth.com and you can connect with me on Instagram at mahomolfino. My name, Maho, is spelled M A J O, so it's spelled with a J. And you should find me.

Great. And I'll have that link in the show Notes. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing these beautiful myths and realizations with all you of all of us. It's so beneficial. And I'm sure every single listener found themselves in some or a couple of these different archetypes.

Thank you, Sahara. Thanks for having me.

How beautiful was that conversation? I so deeply love just sitting down with her, like girlfriends talking about all this stuff. Because as women, we in 2020, we are. We are facing so much, so many expectations of how we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to show up in the world. And we've never, never really seen examples of anyone living this way before. We've kind of realized that that feminist.

Era sort of went very hard in one direction.

But then we also don't want to be 1950s housewives, and we want to be spiritual, but we want to be, you know, smart and entrepreneurial. And it's like all of these different archetypes that we're really working to bring together. And that's why, for me, the goddess archetype is, is that she, she is fierce and powerful and strong, like the warrior Durga, Athena, but she's also loving. She's a mother, she's Aphrodite. She is Lalita Sundari, the sensual goddess. She's creative Saraswati, she's abundant Lakshmi. She's all of the things. So really reclaiming your goddess nature that, yes, I am loud and I am subtle. I am intelligent, diligent, and I am soft. I. I'm everything. I don't have to categorize myself. That really helps us naturally dissolve these myths so we can step into our full sovereignty. So come join us in rose gold goddesses, where we are exactly doing that work. Every single month, we work with a new goddess archetype. So this month we are working with the energy of Lemuria which is the ancient civilization based all about bliss, love, expression, joy, the heart, heart, the mermaids, the dolphins. We have worked with Isis, Sekhmet, Bridget, Quan, Durga, Sati, Lakshmi, Lalija, Sundari. So many goddesses and we are going to continue to be working with these different archetypes every single month so we can tap deeper and deeper into our truth. So if this is resonating with you and you want to dive deeper, head over to rose gold goddesses.com that is rose gold goddesses plural. The link is in the show notes and you'll find all the information to join our community of 2000 plus spiritual soul sisters all around the world and be doing this work alongside a community that 100% has your back. If you loved this episode, I would love to send you a free gift which is the first half of my unreleased book Eat Right for your Mind Body Type. This is a different book than Eat Feel Fresh, my first book ever which is not released anywhere and I am gifted gifting it exclusively to those who leave a review of my podcast in the iTunes store. So all you got to do is head over to itunes where you may be listening to this podcast and leave a review, Take a screenshot that you've left it and email it over to me@saharaetfeelfresh.com again that's Sahara S A H A R A@eatfeelfresh.com and I will send you back the first half of my unreleased paper book Eat Right for your Mind Body Type which goes all into Ayurveda, doshas, plant based nutrition, body types, all of the things in a really fun and engaging way. So this is my gift to you for free for supporting the podcast. Every single review I personally read, it really helps the podcast be listened to by more people so we can raise the vibration of the planet together. And I am so grateful to have you on this journey. Thank you so much for listening and I'll see you on the next episode. Namaste.

J.