368: Overcoming Comparisonitis with Melissa Ambrosini

Namaste, it's Sahara Rose. And welcome back to the Highest self podcast, a place where you discuss what makes you your soul's highest evolvement. What an incredible couple weeks it has been. We sold out of Dharma Coaching Institute in just one week.

Week.

I am blown away by the response and it really has shown me that people have been waiting for a coaching program that is equal parts embodied, spiritual, ancient, sacred and grounded, practical, business oriented, including of psychology, cultural nuances. So these are all of the things that make me me. I love to dive deep into the meaning of life. And you know, I actually wrote the book discover your Dharma. And it really matters for us to be able to bring this out into the world and to be able to support ourselves and create businesses because we need more abundant spiritual people. There is nothing spiritual about being broke. And so many of us have guilt around charging for our gifts, guilt around having a business, guilt around being seen and heard and celebrated for who we are. And I'm so excited that so many of you have already overcome those to say yes to your soul's highest calling and embark on this journey of becoming a certified Dharma and spiritual life coach, which is exactly what you will graduate with at the end of Dharma Coaching Institute. So I'm super excited to welcome. We have 300 students who are going to be on this journey with us. It's a four month training program, if you haven't heard about it yet, that just birthed this past April. We are taking our first generation, our inaugural class of Dharma coaches on this sacred journey and they'll be graduating in September and then we'll be opening doors again for our next class. So if you are feeling the call to create a career for yourself where you are helping people find their their purpose and helping them heal in all areas of their lives that are interconnected with that, then I invite you to join us at the wait list@dharmacoachinginstitute.com and that link is in the show notes. So another thing I am so excited about is we have made it to the summer. It has been a long winter for so many of us and I really feel this new reemerging energy of us finally being able to leave our homes and go out and explore and take all of the gifts that we have really been working on, the seeds that we have been sowing for this past year plus and bringing them out into the world. So I'm so excited to spend more time with community. This really means everything to me. I truly feel like my highest self when I'M with other especially spiritual soul sisters, like connecting on a deep level, doing ritual, just laughing, talking about our lives. That is everything to me. I also have a four in my human design chart. So if you don't know about human design, it's this astrological system that tells you about your energy body type.

We're actually going to be learning about.

That at Dharma Coaching Institute and I've done a podcast on it, several of them as well. But in my human design chart I have a 4 which is the community oriented person. So I need to be around people. Not that I'm an extrovert, I would consider myself to be an extroverted introvert, but something about being with other like minded people, in conversation or even just in creation, in making art together is so rejuvenating on a soul level. So I'm so excited for that. And today's conversation is with one of my dear soul sisters who I actually met years ago just from Instagram, the social media world. And she lives in Australia, which is the other side of the world. However, we were able to connect on so many different things from our businesses to our spiritual practices, relationships, and so much more. So we've known each other for like four or five years now. We've hosted masterclasses together, hosted events together, and so much more. And I'm super excited to be interviewing her for today's episode on her new book Comparisonitis. So, so comparisonitis. You may have heard this term before, but it's essentially the dis ease that we have when we compare ourselves to other people. And in this conversation we really speak about how that can affect us in so many different ways and shapes and forms. So from comparison on social media to comparison with friends, family members, comparison about our bodies, our relationships, I mean the doors are really endless to the number of ways we can compare ourselves. However, we can transmute this energy of comparison into inspiration and even compersion, which is the quality of feeling the equal amount of happiness that that person feels for their success that you do. So conversion is when you see someone who is just winning in life or winning in some area and you genuinely feel that same level of happiness that they feel for them without it negating your or even being happy for someone because you know that you can do that too. It's just to be happy for them and it doesn't have to come back to you. I think our egos try to be like, okay, I'll be happy for you if that's what's gonna make it happen for me. It's like just to be happy for people. And I love being in friendships where we can share our wins and successes and celebrate each other and not have to. You know, I've been also in friendships in the past where I didn't feel comfortable to talk about my successes. I didn't feel like it would be seen or received. I thought maybe it would be judged or it would make them feel uncomfortable.

And you end up minimizing your light.

And when you do that for so long, you become a shell of a person. So how can we create friendships that we can honor and support each other in our beautiful light and hold space for each other even in our darkness? So it really all begins by finding ourselves and each other as one, seeing ourselves as interconnected to the highest light that lives inside each and every being. And when we see ourselves as one, we're no longer going to compare our because it's like comparing your left arm to your right arm or your left thumb to your right thumb. It's like it's all part of you and we're all part of the whole. So oneness and unity consciousness really is the ultimate way to transmute comparison. And in this conversation, Melissa has really studied this and broken it down and shares about all the different ways we compare ourselves and gives really practical and grounded practices and frameworks and redirects that we can do. When these feelings of comparison come up and we can't really connect to the highest unity consciousness, how can we overcome these feelings of comparison? So I'm so excited for this conversation. She is such a light. She is such a queen. She just had her first baby, like right after this book came out. So I'm so happy for her. And without further ado, let's welcome Melissa Ambrosini to the Highest Self podcast. And before we get started, I'd love to share with you this special offer. Are you ready to take your spiritual journey to the next level with tailored workshops, programs, circles, master classes? Exactly. For your spiritual growth? Then come join us in Rose Gold Goddesses, the sacred sisterhood collective all about embodying the Goddess. Within every single month, I facilitate a new workshop for you. This month was all about opening to channel so you can actually channel and access your highest self. Last month we did a dance and meditation journey to connect to our internal womb wisdom. We work with our bodies, the elements, the goddesses, divine feminine archetypes, awakening our power, pleasure, purpose, play and presence in a way that you have never experienced before. Trust me when I say you will transform from the inside out simply by being a member of this community. If you'd like to have access to dozens of these workshops, masterclasses, and another incredible resource we have available for you in Rose Gold Goddesses are our Dharma support circles. These are masterminds of four women which you will be a part of meeting every two weeks to support each other in living your soul's purpose. We also have our very own app where we're in conversation about things that deeply matter to us and bringing forth connection in a way that is meaningful and uplifts the vibration of the planet. So if you're feeling the call to join us, head over to rose gold goddesses.com again that is rosegold goddesses.com that link is in the show notes and I'm so excited to see you on the next Goddess Circle.

Welcome back to the Highest Soul Podcast, Melissa. So excited to have you here, babe.

I am so excited to be here. It's just such a gift to be back on the show with you and to be in your presence.

So grateful. And the first question I'd love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?

Gosh, this is such a good question and I love it so, so, so, so much. I feel for me what makes me my highest self is when I am living in alignment. I have no idea what I said the first time, by the way. I can't even remember. But when I'm living in alignment with my core values in all areas of my life, that is when I feel like I'm my highest self.

Love that. And just to, yeah, like I feel like right now I feel, and I know you feel like in all areas of my life, I'm in full alignment. I'm in full integrity, friendships, relationships, home, your baby coming. But it just to let people know that it is possible to have alignment in all areas of your life and it's going to look different for every single person and not to compare your version with someone else's, which you, you just wrote a whole damn book on girl comparisonitis and it is so good. I was just like loving all of the words that you wrote on there because I just think it's so timely like we are living in this time right now that we've just reached this threshold. I feel like with social media specifically of just constantly seeing the highlight reels of everyone else's life and what they look like with their all their filters and their makeup and this posed for photo or video. And then we think that that's life and then when our lives don't look like that. We think that we are failing. So can you share with us a little bit why you chose to write the book? Comparisonitis.

So for anyone who hasn't heard about it, it's called Comparisonitis. How to stop comparing yourself to others and be Genuinely happy. It's really a book about deep, radical self love and self acceptance and reminding you of the truth of who you are. Which is a miracle because when you remember the truth of who you are, you won't compare yourself to anyone else. And there's so many tools and tips and tricks throughout the book that can really help you remember that and bring you back home to yourself. And there's a couple of reasons why I wrote this book. One of them was, and I start the book with this story where I'm sitting on the toilet scrolling Instagram and I'm scrolling Instagram and I'm comparing myself to a best selling author who's just hit the New York Times bestselling list for like the millionth time. And here I am sitting on the toilet feeling so down about myself. And even though all of my books have been bestsellers, you know, I was just really down. I was comparing myself, why aren't my books New York Times bestsellers? Like what's wrong with my writing? You know, why won't mine hit the list? All of that comparison and my inner critic was just going crazy. And then I went upstairs to my office and I sat down at my computer and I opened my emails and there was an email from a follower of mine called Kathy. And Kathy poured her heart out to me saying, Melissa, I love your work. Your books have changed my life. Your podcast has changed my life. I've met you in person at one of your events, your meditations. I do them every day. Just pouring her heart and soul out to me. You've inspired me so much, Melissa. I'm going to write my first book and I can't stop comparing myself to you and wanting to write books like you. And I had this realization, light bulb moment literally moments before. Here I am comparing myself to someone and then there's Kathy comparing herself to me. And I had this realization that we're all just frickin comparing ourselves to everyone else. And that New York Times best selling author is probably comparing herself to someone else. And it just dawned on me that this comparison culture has become so part of the norm and the narrative, but it doesn't have to be our reality and we need to look at it, we need to do something about it now because if we don't heal it within ourselves, we're going to pass it on to our children and our children's children. And another reason why I wanted to share this message was a couple of years ago, one of my closest girlfriends took her own life, and she suffered from severe depression and anxiety. And she was very heavily bullied in high school, and she was my age when she took her own life. And the data and the science shows us that the rates of anxiety, the rates of suicide, depression, and panic attacks are just going up and up and up. And it is one of the main reasons being this very toxic comparisonitis, this very toxic, unhealthy comparison that is leading us to feel anxious, to feel depressed, to panic attacks, and to, you know, maybe even have suicidal thoughts. And it's just not. We've got to do something about it. We can't keep pretending that nothing's happening. We can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and just going, oh, well, that's part of social media. You know, it's part of. It's. You know, there's so many things that we can do to have a healthy relationship with social media, and we need to implement them so that we can heal our own comparisonitis and help our children. And then the third reason why I wanted to write this book was during writing the book, I fell pregnant with my daughter, who's on her way, and I had this, like, feeling that she was saying to me, mama, you got to write this. Like, mama, like, you got to help people with this. Like, I've got full goosebumps. Because, you know, I thought about her and I thought about, would I want her to compare herself to other people? I've got full goosebumps. Like, would I want her to think she was anything less than a pure miracle? And the answer is the biggest. No. And so I just thought, we have to talk about this as a culture, and we have to share about it so that we can help the young ones that are coming through that are growing up with phones glued to their hand from as young as five years old, you know, and it's not healthy, and we need to address it now so that we can remember the truth of who we are.

Thank you so much for sharing that. I had goosebumps, too, when you were sharing about your daughter. And just to see all of ourselves, like those children, like, we really are still those children who just want to be accepted, who want to be loved, who want to be acknowledged. And I think of that beautiful statue that was a burning man of these Two adults that are sitting back to back against each other, but then within them are these two children just, you know, wanting to play. And. And that's really what we are. And it's so sad with comparison that it makes us forget that we are unique. It makes us forget our dharmas. It makes us think that we are the one, the only one who is missing something, the only one that doesn't have it figured out. The only one who is alone in this uncertainty rather than just this understanding that everyone is figuring it out. And I think that with social media we forget, like in conversation. Like, if we were all living in a community, we would all see each other's ups and downs, but we don't get to see that. So we're like, I must be the only one having downs because no one else is really posting that. So what are some tips that you have for social media so we can navigate it without this, like, natural, immediate, like, why don't I have that?

Yeah. So there's a whole chapter dedicated to social media in the book. And then there's a part on influencer influenza, I call it. So let's chat about social media because it's really important. And the only reason why it got dedicated a whole chapter in the book is because it's one of the most common areas where we compare people, compare to their friends, people compared to their cousins, to celebrities, to people in movies and magazines. But right now, the most predominant place where we slide into comparisonitis is through social media. And if we're not careful, it can lead to very unhealthy thoughts and toxic behaviors and things like that. So we do need to address it. And I've got a whole bunch of strategies that can help you have a healthier relationship with social media. I mean, the first thing you can do is like, if you want, you can completely get off it. Like, no one's forcing you to be on there. Like, if that your truth, then you can do that. But I mean, for you and I, like, it's our, you know, it's part of our business. And I don't want to get off it. Like, I really enjoy the benefits of it, but I do need to set myself some healthy boundaries so that I don't slide into that comparison. Itis. So one of the things, I'll just give you a couple of the strategies because there's so many. But one of the strategies is to remember that it is everyone's highlight reel. You know, it is the highlight reel. Like you said, it's not unless someone is doing lives 24 7. Like, they've got a camera crew following them and you're seeing the totality of their life, then you are only seeing snippets. And mainly the highlight snippets, which is, you know, it's something that we all know, but we forget or we choose to forget because our inner critic wants us to suffer. And so it will say, oh, look, their life is perfect, when really deep down we know that that's the highlight reel. But, you know, our inner critics, like, no, no, no, their life is perfect. Well, it's not. There's no such thing, you know, so. And we need to remember that it is the highlight reel. It's not the totality of their life. And for a lot of people on social media, everyone is an influencer. Like, if you have an account and you have people following you, you are influencing people. And we have to look at it subjectively and go, okay, this is just the highlights. This is people's businesses. For a lot of people, it's their business. So remember that it is the highlight reel. And it's not. The totality of their life is really important. That's the first thing. You also need to, you know, when you look at social media, remember that the platforms have one interest in mind, and that is to keep you on there as long as possible and to monopolize on you being there. You know that they're built by the same people who build poke machines in the casinos and they're designed to give you that dopamine hit. But we have to remember to zoom out. You know, there is stuff behind that perfect picture or that perfect frame that we don't see. And that might mean, like, say you're looking at this beautiful girl meditating or doing yoga or the most perfect vegan chocolate tart or something like that. And you don't know what's beyond that frame. Like, there could be a child chucking an absolute tantrum. You know, the person could have just had a fight with their husband. The house could be an absolute mess. But where the photo is taken is just perfect. You don't know what is beyond the frame. And so we can't make judgments and just remember to zoom out, like, what is beyond the frame. And I share a story in the book about when my husband and my bonus son and I went to the Greek islands a couple of years ago. I had to get some images for some brands that I was working with. And, you know, we'd gone to Santorini, and I'm standing on the Cliffs, like of the Mediterranean. It was just absolutely beautiful, like white tops and the blue, and the, the blue of the Mediterranean was just stunning. And here I am standing there in this gorgeous blue dress. It was amazing. And that image went viral and it got so many comments and people were just like, oh, it's so beautiful and so perfect and all of this. And you know, I shared, I'm like, little did they know that beyond that Frame was an 11 year old who was absolutely choking a tantrum because he was so hungry and bored. And we'd been there for three hours and he was like, we didn't come all the way to Greece just to take photos of you, you know, and then my husband who's like, come on babe, like, we've got to get this photo, like, let's just do it. And then there's clothes everywhere, crumpled up on the floor and you know, you don't see that stuff. And so it's really important to remember to zoom out and to not think that what you're witnessing is just the totality of that person's life. Like you don't know, you have no idea. And we can't make assumptions and we can't make judgments. And then the next thing I wanted to share in regards to social media is like setting yourself some healthy boundaries around it because you can get sucked in. And so following people that inspire you and that light you up and that maybe educate or entertain you is really going to help you with your comparisonitis. And if there are people that you're following that trigger you to spiral into that comparisonitis, then just unfollow. Like there's no rules here, you don't have to follow them. You can just unfollow, graciously unfollow and don't write to them saying I'm unfollowing you. Like just unfollow, like, you know, surround yourself with love and people that inspire you and light you up. And if you need to take a day off a week from social media, I tend to take Sundays off, which really works for me. I love having that day of complete rest from social media. And if you need to do blocks of time during the day, so maybe you check two or three times a day, but then the rest you're not on it. Do what works for you. And they're just a couple of strategies that can really help you when it comes to social media comparisonitis.

I love that so much and I so resonate with what is beyond that frame. Right. There are so many times that I have also, like, you know, taken a beautiful food picture. My entire kitchen is a mess, and I don't even eat that meal. Like, it's not even what you're really eating. Or I saw that this. This, like, hack that influencers do that when they're taking this mirror selfie of themselves. Like, you know, the mirror selfies that they take, oftentimes they actually have a camera on a stand and they're holding their phones to look like they're taking a mirror selfie, but they're using a camera so they can, like, stage, like, the perfect thing and have, like, the highest definition, but look like it's this nonchalant thing. They just. Which I was like, oh, my God. Like, who has the time for that? But if it's your job, like, you do have the time or for a lot of these, I feel like, especially when you're, like, younger, you care so much about that. I remember I used to follow these fitspo accounts, like, when Instagram started eight years ago or whatever. It was just these girls with these, like, incredible fit, thin bodies, which is just not what my body type is. I could exercise forever, and I just probably won't look like that. I look like something else. So I would follow them, thinking, if I just, like, feel bad about myself enough, I'll, like, shame myself into exercising to then look like them. And now I just ask my body, like, what kind of movement do you want to do? Not because I'm following these fit SPO accounts, but it's just such an example. Or even before, with thin SPO and all of these different, like, inspiration things that, like, are they actually inspiring you, or are they just making you feel bad about yourself that you're trying to shame yourself into changing and into changing something that's not even realistic.

Absolutely. It's so unhealthy. And the amount of energy and time that we spend worrying, stressing, trying to fix and mold. Think about what we could do with that. Think about what we could do, how we could serve other people with that time and energy. And, you know, we only get one precious life, and we don't know how long we're here for. And it is precious, and it is very sacred, and our time is precious and sacred. And so we need to use it for good and living our dharma and being of service and not use it. Stressing and worrying about whether I'm skinny enough or whatever it is that you're comparing yourself about.

I think it's so important. I had that realization, too, of all this time I'm putting into me trying to lose weight. Imagine if I put it into something else else. You know, I would probably be a master at it if I did that. And then I stopped and I naturally grew. And so many people listening to this, they may be doing that. I find another area of comparison, especially in the manifestation world, is around money. It's around, I manifested this car, I manifested this Chanel bag, I manifested this. So, like, if you're spiritual enough, you will also manifest all of these things. And if not, you have scarcity mindset. What do you think? What do you have to say about this? Like, money and. But like, in the spiritual lens around it.

Yeah, I mean, comparisonitis with material things is a big one as well. And I cover it in the book. It's. It's very much like, oh, well, they have a better car, they have a better house, they live in a better suburb. They have nicer jeans, nicer handbags. Like, it is a big area where we compare and it's got to be addressed and looked at. And it's, you know, it comes back to, why do we even feel the need to compare? Like, why do we feel like we need to compare? So what is lacking within ourselves that we feel like we need to even compare ourselves to someone else? And yeah, I think in the spiritual world with, yeah, I've manifested this, and I've manifested this. And what have you manifested? Like, I do hear that a bit. And it's the same as, yeah, like, comparing, well, I've got this car and this car and why does she have that car and that boyfriend or whatever. But it's all just leading us down this spiral to toxic comparison. That's not healthy for anyone. And we have to remember that we are all on our own journey, we are all on our own path, and we actually need to put our own blinkers on and stay in our own lane. Because we are all unique, we are all special and amazing just as we are. Like, we're a miracle. Like, every single one of you listening to this is a pure miracle. There was 1 in 400 trillion chances that you were born. So your mom's egg and your dad's sperm came together. One in 400 trillion. That is a pure miracle that you were created and you are here and you need to remember that. Remember that you are a miracle. And when you really remember and you feel that deep in your bones, in every cell in your body, every fiber of your being, you won't compare yourself to other people. So when people are in this really Heavy comparison. It shows me that they've forgotten how magical they are. They've forgotten how much of a miracle they are. And that's what you need to come back to. You need to remember that. And, and it's so important. Like, I think about my daughter and I think, would I want her to compare herself to anyone? And it's just. No. Like, I want her to know deep in her soul that she is a miracle. And when she forgets that, and if she forgets that, it's, you know, it's my role to help remind her of the miraculous gift that she is on this planet. And whenever we've forgotten, we've been just forgotten that we're a miracle and we don't need to compare. So stay in your own lane, put those blinkers on and just go at your own pace. You know, another big sign that you might even be suffering from comparisonitis is that you're feeling behind. Oh, you know, everyone's having babies or everyone's married or everyone's bought their dream home already, or I'm too old to go back and study or everyone's traveled already and I haven't traveled. You know, that feeling of behind now, like, oh my gosh, I'm feeling like everyone's doing things ahead of me. Like that is an indicator that you may be suffering from comparisonitis. So just remember that your life is at your own speed and you don't need to look left and right to see what everyone else is doing. You just need to remember that I'm going at my pace. And right now at this point in my life, this is where I'm at. And I accept that wholeheartedly. Because as soon as we, we don't accept where we're at, that's when suffering happens. Suffering is resistance to what is. And so we need to remember that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at the exact time. And we're always supported and always guided and the universe is always delivering what we need in that moment.

Do you have any like affirmations or something you recommend that when we're catching ourselves in this comparison, to bring us back into that remembrance, I have a.

Little four step process called the ACEs technique that helps people come back. And this is what I use, and this is what I still use today. That's really helped me. And basically the ACEs technique helps you feel ace again, because when you're comparing, you do not feel ace, you feel crappy about yourself. And so I wanted to create something that I could use for myself that could help me feel awesome again, help me feel ace again. And so I'll take you through the four step process. The first, first ACEs stands is an acronym and it's the first letter. A stands for awareness. You have to become aware of what your comparison triggers are and what areas you are most predominantly comparing yourself. So for a majority of people, you know that trigger is social media, maybe it is body image. That's like the two big ones for them. So write them down. Like where are you comparing? What are your triggers? Once you are aware of where you're comparing yourself, you can then make change. It's like with anything in the personal development and spiritual world, awareness is key. Once you are aware that you're doing something, you can then transform and make the shifts. So that's the first step. The second letter C stands for choose a different path. So once you are aware that you are comparing yourself to someone else on social media, you can either choose to go left and spiral into comparisonitis and compare yourself to them and go down that dark slippery slope, or you can choose to go right and become aware that you're comparing yourself and say, I'm not going to choose to slide down that slippery slope. I'm not going to choose that today or in this moment because I remember who I truly am. And then the third letter E stands for eliminate. So you can eliminate the trigger from that point. You know, whether that's getting off social media, like just closing the app and going outside and doing something beautiful for yourself. Do you know, something so simple like that? Or you can exit the situation like say you're having dinner with a whole bunch of girlfriends and they're all talking about their latest, you know, boy stories and you've just broken up with your partner of, of five years and you're feeling really sensitive, like you can just get up and go and get some fresh air or something like that. Or if that's not possible, you can just take a deep breath and exhale. You know, just sit there and just take a deep breath. So that's the third step, Eliminate, exit or exhale. And then the fourth step. S stands for shifting your state. So we want to move that energy up and out of the body, shaking it out, dancing, twerking, jumping up and down, diving in the ocean, getting in the shower, washing your face, whatever you've got to do to raise your vibration, lift your energy and shift out of that funky comparison state. So that's the four step process. I literally take myself through that whenever I feel icky and funky. Now if comparison comes up and it works and literally it's a four step process and the more you do it like you get quicker and quicker at it is really great. And those days, weeks, months or years where you would compare yourself turn into you know, five minutes and then you can move on and get back to the present moment and get back to remembering the truth of who you are.

I love that so much. And it's so simple, yet we often just don't take the time to do it. It kind of like ritualizes the experience. That's what I love about it because it's like you're taking that moment to. You're aware you're going to make that change, you're going to breathe and then actually create a shift. You know, I feel like so often we're just like oh, I'm comparing myself, I should stop. And then. But we're not really. And it's still there. But to be like every time I compare myself I'm going to splash my face with the water or I'm going to get up and jump one time or whatever. It like is a body based reminder too. Like I remember people had this like rubber band they put on the wrist at every time they like had a bad habit, they would like flick the rubber band. But I kind of like we need that somatic based response so then we can train our bodies to see, you know, before you go into that spiral, let's, let's bring the vibration back up and then you just naturally won't be.

A fit for it anymore.

Exactly. Because it's in the body. It's like reprogramming, reprogramming work. It's doable. Absolutely. We can reprogram but sometimes it's the traumas in the cells and we need to do the body work as well as the spiritual, you know, and the emotional work.

I know this episode is good, but.

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So I want to talk about comparison with friends, because I feel like this happens a lot and then you feel really guilty around it. So if comparison is showing up with your friends, do you think it's something you should, like, tell your friend, or what is the best way to go about it?

I talk about this in the book. There's a whole chapter called Fixing Fractured Friendship. And it's really important that we address the friendship comparisonitis. I think with friends, it's really about turning the comparison and using it as fuel for inspirational motivation. So this is about going inward. Whenever you feel triggered or comparing yourself to a friend, ask yourself, why? What are they triggering within me? And usually it is something that you're denying within yourself. So if you see a friend who's like, following her dreams and living her dharma, and it's triggering you to compare, why is it because you're not following your dreams and you're not living your dharma. So instead of, you know, deleting that friend out of your life, like, use that as inspiration and motivation to follow your dreams and to live your dharma. So you can turn it around. Like, flip it on its head and turn it around. Use that comparison for inspiration and motivation. And I mean, I don't think you necessarily need to express it to them if you don't want to. I feel like it's always about us. You know, it's always about us, why we're comparing ourselves. And so it's about sitting with your journal and asking those questions, why do I feel like I am comparing myself to this person? Why am I being so triggered by them? What is it within myself that I'm not seeing? Or what is it within myself that I'm denying? Because what ultimately, what you see in other people you have within yourself. What you see in other people you have within yourself and you're simply being triggered because you're denying it. So that is what we need to look at and what we need to address.

I think that's so important because always looking for me, at least looking back on the people who maybe, like, triggered me or, like, how is she doing that? Or, like, how is that possible? Or whatever the thing was, it was because she or he was showing up in a way that I knew I was capable of, but I hadn't yet actualized. So it was almost bothering me of, like, why is that person doing that? And then you try to nitpick that person and make it a personal thing, but it's not. It's completely a you thing. And then when I did step into my Dharma and create this reality for myself, now I'm, like, so grateful for all of those people who were huge expanders on my path that the first relationship may have been the trigger, but it really turned into, thank you for showing me what was possible. And then, like you mentioned, it's a cycle. I have people telling me the same thing has happened with them with me. And. And it is a little bit uncomfortable to hear it. I'm not gonna lie. Because no one wants to feel like they triggered someone. No one's like, I'm so glad I triggered you. So I don't think that you need to express it, because it really isn't about them. They didn't do anything. Like you. I remember Melissa. I think I told you, but I met someone a couple of years ago, and somehow you came up in conversation, and she was like, oh, Melissa. I was on her website, and she's just so perfect. She has a perfect life and a perfect husband and her perfect son. And I just couldn't take being on her website because everything was so perfect about her. And, like, I was just laughing because she clearly doesn't even listen to your podcast or, like, know anything about your life to think that. But, you know, we can have this judgment on people where it was herself comparing of she wasn't in a relationship, and she hadn't actualized her Dharma. So you doing nothing but shining your light so brightly was such a trigger for her because you have shown a level of courage that she knows that she has within herself, but maybe hasn't quite come out yet. Yet.

Absolutely. Absolutely. So, yeah, I don't feel like you need to express it to people. It's always an opportunity for growth within yourself when we compare ourselves. And like you said, use it as inspiration, use it as fuel, use it as motivation. Turn that comparison into motivation and unlock something within yourself.

So true. Like, when I started to share my dance videos online, I would get all these comments and of like, ew, what are you doing? That's disgusting. You're stripper dancing. You're this, you're that. Like, all of these comments like that. And often I have those exact same people come back to me a year from then being like, I'm sorry. I was in a really dark place and I was not comfortable with my own sexuality. And expressing myself. And seeing you do that was so triggering for me because I've never given myself permission to be so free. And seeing you just do it and not care, I felt like something was wrong with you. But really it was. I just would never have given myself permission to do that. And that I've done this healing work. I'm so grateful for what a reflection that you were at that time. So I'm so grateful when people can go through that growth. And that's why I think books like yours are really helpful. So then we can look back on maybe things that, like, I remember in high school or college, like, girls would call other girls like a hoe, or like, oh, why is she dressed like that? Or she must be asking for it, or whatever else it is. But it was because we weren't connected to our sexualities. So now these very same girls would never call another woman that. But it was just because they're internalized patriarchy that was making themselves really compare themselves to someone who wasn't tied to those bonds anymore.

Exactly. It's always a reflection of what's going on within us.

Yes. So good and such. I just really think our triggers are our most powerful healers. And it's impossible. Like, I think so. Some people are like, oh, yeah, no one bothers me. Nothing triggers me. It's like, go into those triggers. Like, that is where the juice is. Like, go. Those people that you're so envious of them, or you can't believe they're doing that, or who do they think you are? Like, those are your people who are going to show you what is possible for you too.

100%. I think anytime I get triggered now, I ask myself, oh, what does that mean for me? Like, why did I get triggered there? What did that bring up for me? And we've got to be really honest with ourselves. That's where the work is, is not sweeping it under the carpet or spiritual bypassing. What did this trigger within me? And dive deep into that. Because that's when the growth and the evolution will happen.

And I think too, with the trigger, like, let's say someone is, you know, triggered by like one of us. Like, wow, they have these podcasts and they're doing it, but they don't see the, you know, even podcasting for four years now. Like, they don't see the hours of work. So maybe the trigger is I've never committed to something that long, so I've never been able to see that type of success with something because I've never put in that much dedication and work. So we're showing you that that's possible. Or the trigger could be our friend Sophie Jaff, who has like her three kids and her business and she's like doing so much and, you know, I'm sure she triggers moms who feel like I am not doing enough. Something must be wrong with me. Like, how is she doing all of this? I hate her, you know, and it's really showing you what's possible for you as a mother. Like, I love hearing about your pregnancy and how smooth and easy it's going because for me, it's showing me that that could be possible for me too. So it's having that mindset shift.

Yes, absolutely.

So good. So you talk about these four types of headspace healers which can transform your mindset from a place where self worth can flourish and comparisonitis can no longer have a focus foothold. So can you share with us what those four headspace healers are?

Yes. So I love these because we have many toxic, little unhealthy mindset habits and programs. And these headspace healers have really helped me over the years. And I just wanted to share four of them that have transformed my life, really. And the first one is about living vibrationally. So we all know that everything is energy and everything vibrates at either a high vibration or high frequency or a low vibration or a low frequency. And so comparison is definitely low vibrational. It's very toxic. And what I want to encourage everyone to do is to start to tune into how they feel in different relationships and different situations and circumstances and, and start to live high vibrationally. Surround yourself with high vibe. People do work that is high vibrational. That means something to you. Nourish yourself with high vibrational foods, high vibrational water, high vibrational products, high vibrational experiences. Make everything in your life high vibration, because then you're going to radiate at a higher vibration and you're going to be able to share that with other people. You'll be able to walk into a room Room and literally change the whole energy of a room with your vibration, with your energy. So that is one of the first things that you can commit to is like, okay, I'm going to commit to living a high vibrational life. What does that mean for me? If I was living a high vibrational life, what would that look like? What foods would I eat? Who would I surround myself with? What would I do in my spare time? What movies would I watch? What movies would I not watch? What music would I listen to? What music would I not listen to? There's so many different things and when you are vibrating at such a high frequency, you become a magnet for more of those high vibrational experiences and things to come to your life. So that has been huge for me because there was a time in my life where everything I did was low vibration vibration. The people I surrounded myself with, the work that I did, the food that I ate, the alcohol, the drugs, the partying, the movies I chose to watch, like everything was just low vibe. And as a result, that is what I created in my life, that is what I manifested more of in my life. So that is the headspace healer number one. Live a high vibrational life and that'll look different for every single person. But get clear on it. Go through all the different areas of your life. What does that look like for you? And it's just so rewarding, you know, it's so rewarding when you do. And then if you do find yourself in a low vibrational situation, you know, okay, you can choose something different and you know how to get out of it. So that is the first one. The second one is about dialing up your self worth. So, so I can tell a lot about someone by their actions that they take. You know, someone who is choosing very low vibrational experiences, low vibrational people, low vibrational foods tells me a lot about where their self worth is at. And I talk about this in my first book, the Worthy ometer. And if 10 out of 10 on the worthy Ometer is like I feel the most worthy I've ever felt and zero is I feel like a worthless piece of crap. Where do you sit on that scale? And when we're comparing ourselves and when we're suffering from comparisonitis, we're usually down the bottom end of the worthy ometer, right? And our self worth, you know, seems to be down quite low. So when we are living high vibrationally and choosing those experiences, your self worth is going to be overflowing. So just remember that you can dial up your self worth and it's a choice in each moment. And that is something that will really help you come out of comparisonitis and live your dream life. And then the next one, the third headspace healer, is something I've written about. It's about casting aside your inner critic or mastering your inner mean girl. And I've done a whole TED Talk on it, and my first book was done on it. But really, if we want to heal our headspace and not suffer from comparisonitis, we need to master this inner critic inside our mind that's telling us we're not good enough or we're not smart enough, or we're not pretty enough, or we'll never be able to get out of debt or meet the soulmate or whatever it is that our inner critic says to us. So that is a really important piece, is that we learn to master and cast aside that inner critic so that your true self can shine through. And then the last one is shifting from what I call the pie perspective to the candle consciousness. And what I mean by that is basically a pie perspective is what many people have. It's that limiting scarcity mindset. It's that I've got a beautiful, delicious, organic vegan chocolate pie, and if I give you a piece of that pie, there's not enough pie for me anymore. Like, I don't have enough pie to share around. And it's that. That lack mentality, that scarcity mindset. And then there's the candle consciousness, which is, say you're in a dark room and you've got a candle, and then your friend walks in and they have a candle, but it's not lit. And you say, come and light your candle off my candle. And then you've got even more light in the room. And then someone else comes in and there's even more light and more light, and more and more people come in, and you're just sharing your light and your luminosity, and that is abundance mindset. There's enough to go around. The more we light people up, the more light there is and the more love there is. So switching from that pie perspective, that lack mentality to candle consciousness is a huge headspace healer. And I used to have severe perspective. Like, I grew up with very lack mentality. I grew up with toxic money mindset. And you got to work hard. And, you know, both of my parents came from nothing. And there was a lot of, like, we, you can't do that because we can't afford it, and things like that. So I had to really work on My headspace healers here and switch from PI perspective to candle consciousness. And it's changed my life. You know, it's absolutely changed my life, and it's possible. And these headspace healers, these four headspace healers, have literally transformed my life and allowed me to create what I have created and live the life that I now live.

So beautiful. And I love that analogy of the candle and just lighting each other's candles up. And that's really what we're here to do, to ignite each other's flames and to. To remind each other of our dharmas and all of the radiance inside of ourselves and to trust that the more people do it like we want that, it's not like, oh, only I can share spirituality, but no one else can.

That's, like, against spirituality.

Or, oh, only I can manifest, but no one else can. Well, that's not really the mindset you're going to manifest from. So those very things that we want, we push them away by trying to safeguard it. And it does come from this, like, old, old, deep, like, ancestral fear of maybe I won't survive if someone else takes this me. So we try to hold onto it. And it's that lower reptilian brain that's always telling us, like, you got to watch your back. You know, people are going to come against you. People are going to take from you. And it really takes that deconditioning. And I feel so inspired by us, like, our generation and what we're doing, because I really believe, like, our children can, like, all grow up knowing that, yes, there's enough to go around. Yes, you can be successful and so can your sister, and you can celebrate each other and like. Like, what a world we will get to live in. That everyone is in full alignment with their light and they're no longer looking around at others outside of them. And I really believe that with conversations like this, this will be possible. And we're getting so close. I mean, if we can go through such a transformation in just our one lifetime, right, of, like, complete scarcity to complete. I mean, not like, complete unity. I'm sure sometimes little snips come up, but to snap back into it, then what could this look like generations from now? It's just. It's just so exciting. I think we're gonna relate so much better not only with ourselves, like, but with our environment, with everything. So much more if we get out of this comparisonitis, scarcity mindset. So thank you for writing this book and for sharing this with us and for really you have been doing this book launch pregnant, you're due in five weeks. And yeah, I'm just so grateful that you are sharing this and I know so many people right now are deeply needing this message. Especially after a year plus of quarantine and not feeling like you have access to like real life and seeing the real problems that exist, but feeling like you're living in this, you know, computer box where everything is perfect except for you. So thank you for shining light on this and I really think with conversations like this we can create better social media and better world.

Yeah, 100%. And yeah, I feel, I feel blessed to be in time, space, reality where we have been able to transcend so many things and we're still on our journey. We all are. And I hope this book really does help and support so many people just remember the truth of who they are and come back to their highest self.

Thank you so much for sharing that. So where can listeners get your new book Comparison Night?

You can get it anywhere where you order your books and head to comparisonitis.com and you get some beautiful bonuses when you order the book. It's out right now and I'm so excited. Come and check it out and come and tell me on Instagram what you got out of it once you've finished reading it. I would love to hear and if you feel called, you can leave a review. That would just mean the world to me.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us. We are so grateful.

Thank you for having me again, darling. I love you lots.

Love you.

How incredible was that conversation with Melissa? It truly feels so great to be able to speak woman to woman, open hearted to another person who has also experienced comparison and feelings of unworthiness and feeling like you aren't enough enough. And just know that no matter what you are going through or where you are, that it's okay to feel these things. They come up. They're part of the human experience. So don't deny these elements of yourself and really look at them to bring about healing. Ask these parts of yourself questions, where do you come from?

Why are you here?

How can I nourish you and make you feel like you are enough? And be sure to also get Melissa's book comparison for more tips and hacks for overcoming your internal comparison. And also know that it doesn't go away until you do the healing. There's no level of success that one can get to that they're no longer in comparison. It really is an internal job. We can't skip the healing. Unfortunately we're going to have to go through it. However, the reward on the other side is so worth it because you stop competing and comparing yourself with yourself, which is really our biggest antagonist. So be sure to get the book. And if you are wanting to join a community of other spiritual soul sisters and have workshops tailored to your spiritual growth from opening to channel womb medicine, healing and so much more, be sure to join me in my community. Rose Gold Goddesses. We have new workshops, masterclasses, programs every single month, our own apps so you can connect with other spiritual queens as well as dharma support circles where you can form your own circle of four queens to mastermind with every two weeks to really support each other in living your Dharma so you can learn more about it and join us over@rosegoldgoddesses.com and I can't wait to meet you inside. Namaste.

Me.