432: How To Go From Lost To Getting Your Life In Shape with Lilly Singh

Namaste, it's Sahara Rose. And welcome back to the Highest Self podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you your soul's highest evolvement. If it's your first time listening, welcome. I'm so grateful to have you here. This is an amazing first episode to listen to and you may be listening to it because you've heard the guest, Lily Singh. So she is a hilarious person, fierce first generation queen who really has won our hearts and our laughter over from her decade plus of creating hilarious YouTube content. That's how I first discovered her. And she shares for the first time ever, really her journey of feeling lost despite the success, feeling burnt out, feeling like she needed to get to the next thing and the next thing, the issues with her family, the intergenerational trauma that is often passed down until we become aware of it, and how she was able to build this framework around being a triangle that she'll share in today's episode to get your life back into shape. So this is such an amazing conversation. Whether your parents or your family are immigrants, we really share about how we both have that in common and how sometimes there can be a lot of pressure to be successful or a hard time understanding your family or shame around going to therapy and healing and how to really overcome that and have compassion for your family. There's also a really great conversation if you're someone that wants to be a content creator. So Lily not only created her YouTube channel, but has gone on to have her own late night show, a Little Late Night with Lilly Singh. Her own scripted show that she's on called Dollface, which is hilarious and so much more. So she has been able to really create a life for herself in her entertainer archetype, really rocking it. But then also just for someone who feels maybe a little bit overwhelmed with lots of places, plates spinning and things going on in your life and it feels like everything is so important that you just don't know how to chill, how to have fun. And we really share about that in this episode. Our addictions with social media, especially when we're on a social world and her career was built off of social media, as was mine. How do we find balance in that? So there's just so much realness in this conversation too. What I really love about Lily is, yeah, she keeps it really grounded and doesn't give you some fluff advice and tells it to you as it was, that it was a lot of hard work for her and I asked her what she would have done otherwise if she knew what she knew today. And the answer might surprise you. So wherever you are in your life, in your career, I think all of us can relate to being a little bit thrown off track with COVID and everything else that has been happening in the world. And this is really a time to get your foundation in place so we can bridge and co create with our highest selves. So with that, let us welcome Lilly Singh to the highest self podcast. And before we get started, I'd love to share with you this special offer. Are you ready to finally discover your soul's purpose? The big reason why you are here? Well, I've created a free masterclass experience for you where you will discover what your dharma is and how it may be different from your career. How to navigate through having multiple passions, different ways to transition into your dharma, ways to overcome people pleasing and caring what other people think. My number one tool, whether knowing a decision is right for you and journal prompts on the different types of resistance and how they show up for us. All of this is available for you for free in my discover your soul's purpose masterclass. You can head over to iamsaharrose.commasterclass to join today again, that's I am saharrose.commasterclass and you can find that link in the show notes. I'm super excited to see you in there. Welcome Lily, to the Highest self podcast. It's so great to have you here.

I'm ecstatic to be here. Thank you for having me.

And the first question I'd love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?

Oh, hitting me with the hard hitting questions right off the bat. I think this answer has definitely evolved over my life right now. What is making me my highest self is really understanding and behaving in a way that knows that myself is already complete without all the accolades and all the external validation that is out there. You know, my highest self right now is knowing that all of this cool stuff I get to do, writing books and having a job and having relationships and going places are cool and awesome experiences. But they're not my definition and they are not what make me my higher self. My higher self. I'm already a complete human being and all this stuff is extra. So that's what's making me my highest self right now.

So true. It's always like we're going to more to come back and remember that we already were enough. And I just have resonated with your story so much over the past like many years that I've been watching your YouTube videos and watching your show and following you, and you're just such an inspiration, especially for brown chicks everywhere. And I just so resonate with almost like that first generation burden on your shoulders of like, my parents struggled and sacrificed so much to be here in this country, so I need to make them proud. But then also being a creative person and what's making you come alive and all of that drive and ambition and hard workingness that you got from them is being placed towards something that they're not in alignment with. And the struggle of that of I so resonate with the hustle and what I want to put my hustle towards, you don't like. So how are you able to kind of overcome and balance that and then also write about it in your book?

Yeah, it's a really great question. And I'll also just add a little more flavor to say for me, it wasn't only, oh, what I want to hustle on is something my parents don't understand, but it's also something growing up, culture in general didn't understand, school didn't understand, society didn't understand. Because I talk about a lot now that all the things that I really have learned to value now, which is like, who I am as a person, how I treat people, how I'm growing mentally, how I'm mentally healthy, how I'm spiritual, none of that was considered success in school, you know what I mean? And for me, it wasn't just that my parents were like, we were hustlers and we're immigrants and we worked really hard, so you have to do the same. It was that they taught me how to follow rules and how to follow a system. And that system doesn't reward things like mental health or spirituality or compassion or patience. And so it was really tough for me to not only reconcile with my parents that, hey, I want to do something that I know you're not familiar with and making YouTube videos, and I know that's different from, you know, my dad still to this day believes I'm going to go to law school. I'm pretty sure till this day he's like, my daughter could possibly go to law school. It was also just that school also told me I had to pick a career and do things. And school also got me to think about things in a way that was never looking inwards. And so I never considered those things successes for just an array of reasons.

And now writing about it in your book, I know for me, sharing that story of my family and writing in a way that felt fair to them, but also fair to me and like, how I feel. But they're gonna read it. Like, how is that balance for you?

It is one of the greatest challenges. Through my book, through my videos, a lot of people ask, like, how do you write these very vulnerable things that have to do with other people? I have a rule that is don't throw anyone else under the bus in storytelling. That becomes tricky when you're talking about your own experience, but it involves other people. You know, in the book, I talk a lot about my coming out experience. And that was really tough for me to talk about because I'm retelling the story of me telling my parents. And for a long time I didn't want to do that because I didn't want to tell someone else's story. I didn't want them to get mad. Like, just to be straight up. I didn't want them to get mad. I didn't want them to think my parents biggest fear is other. Other people knowing our business. And so it was really scary for me to do that. And so I had to do it in a way that honestly required me to do the work, to not be lazy about it. I think the issue with talking about experiences is that you talk about them from your perspective. And in the book, I tried to do the work, to tell all three sides of the story, My side, their side, and what actually happened. And that was really scary for me. But it was true to my experience and I felt like I had to do it. But it is definitely a constant fear in my mind of like, are people gonna get upset? And it's just a line I have to constantly balance and also hope that my parents trust me enough to know where my intentions lie. I've had a lot of conversations with them about me talking about them in my stuff, and they know where my intentions lie. And I think that's an important conversation to have. I think a lot of people skip that step.

Did you have them read the book before it came out?

I did not have them read the book before I came out, which was an active choice I made because part of me was thinking, do I want to get their sign off on this? Do I want to get. And the danger with that is I didn't want them tweaking what I was talking about. I had to trust my gut of knowing where my intentions lied. It was like that decision where it's like, there is a chance that people are going to read this and think my intentions were to drag them, think my intentions were to frame them in a certain way. But I actually did a lot of the hard work to point out my own flaws in those experiences. So if anything, I hope my parents read it and they actually gain more love and respect for me than. I probably not even told them those things in person. The things I said in the book, I really talk about my own. My own flaws. So I think that's why I didn't get them to read about it.

Totally. And it's such an act of healing, too, to be able to write about something from a neutral place, to see all of the perspectives and be a step away from it.

And to be honest, and I say that I've learned that these two things can exist simultaneously. You can have the utmost respect for people and love them and want the best for them, but you can also draw that boundary and say, but for myself, I need to be true to who I am, and I need to talk about my experience. Because so much of my life, I've had this battle of, like, I want to be able to talk to people about things happening in my life. But I'm from a culture that loves secrets, and they don't like to talk about things. And so I've always had to kind of teeter this line. And I have just come to the point in my life now where I believe communication and community is medicinal. And I don't think that means you have to expose everything everyone said. But I think being together and having a sense of togetherness is really powerful. So I challenge that culture of secrets a little bit.

Totally. And I think they grew up in a time that if someone knew the family issues, it could be a potential threat to the family's, like, safety, their reputation, their stance in society. Whereas right now, authenticity is all about being vulnerable and sharing your shadows. And they're like, wait, what? Like, why don't you share that we sent you to summer camp.

Exactly. I think also a lot of me writing this book has been me unsubscribing to or at least recognizing and then doing the work to unsubscribe to generational trauma. Because a lot of my decisions with this book were me looking at the behaviors and thought patterns I have and questioning where those come from and the what do people think and all that type of stuff that my parents have passed down to me as a teenager. I think I used to be mad at them about that. Like, you care so much what other people think. You don't actually love me. It's more complex than that. It's that you're absolutely correct. That was a survival tool for them where they had to care what people thought because that was their community and support system. And those people had to think well of them. And so the issue is that we use those patterns in places and realities that are not that. Right now we're online thinking, what will people think? Now we're on dating apps thinking, what will people think? So I've tried to do the work to really see where those thought patterns come from and question whether or not that's beneficial in my actual environment right now, which is different than my parents.

And it gets passed on totally. It's. They learned it from their parents and their parents. And here we are, the first people in a new country where there's a totally new culture and set of beliefs. And, you know, sometimes it's like, imagine we all moved to, I don't know, China right now. We would totally be figuring it out. We don't know all of the nuances of the culture. So with that, what do you think are some of the blessings of growing up first generation?

So many. So many. And I love that you asked this question, because I think very often people can think from watching my videos that it's just all jokes and comedy. But the best parts of me are because my parents were immigrants, I think I have a layer of resilience that is so impenetrable because of them. I've seen them go through things, whether it's working multiple jobs or having to learn a whole new set of rules or way of life. I think that really puts something special in your DNA with when you deal with what life throws your way. But on top of that, I've seen my mom, specifically. She's had to unlearn and learn new things over and over again, Especially as a woman. She's had to unlearn things she was taught when she was brought up about what women should and should not do. I've seen her blossom into someone now who does meditation every day, who really values her mental health. And that's a big leap. And bound from where she started, which was, I don't have time for that. It's too late for me. I can't learn new things. I don't know how to meditate. My life is just to take care of people. That's a huge leap. And so just to see her adapt and make decisions for herself and learn that she can do that was really inspiring for me and kind of gave me the permission to do the same, because I think for a long time I felt I had to be Something, because I saw my mom be that something. She was the mother and the wife and the caregiver and the person who kept the house together. And recently I've seen her give herself permission to be her highest self, you know, like we're saying. And that has been really liberating for me to see. And that's a hard thing for her to learn because I'm sure there's probably a million voices in her head telling her that that wasn't the right thing to do.

Yeah. It's a whole multiple generations of women who've been brought up that your worth is defined by how much of a nurturer you to other people. How much can you serve me, give to me, take care of the kids and everyone else except for you. And they're grown up thinking it's selfish to care about themselves, which is then passed down to us.

Right? Absolutely. I think some of the times, and I write about this in the book where I have butt heads with my parents the most and my mom will. I want to make it clear to everyone listening, my mom will publicly roast me on the Internet. She has no shame in doing this. So I once wrote a caption that was like, sometimes you need to be selfish. You need to focus on self love. And my mom was like, must be nice in the comments roasting me. But I have learned that, like, you can respect your parents and where they come from and their reality, but still unsubscribe to the ideas that don't serve you. Those two things can exist. It doesn't mean you're disrespectful, doesn't mean you hate your parents. It means that we have to one up in accordance to our reality, you know?

Yeah. And every generation stands upon the shoulders of the next. And hopefully the next generation's like, you guys are so hardworking. You don't enjoy life enough. And we get to be inspired by them.

And I think even to like, truthfully answer your question that you asked me about, was I scared that my parents would read the book? I think I deep down had a belief that they are too evolving into their highest selves. And so I just feel like through the work we have done, the conversations we have had, the honesty we have shared, especially over the last couple years, I have full faith that they are able to also talk about those experiences. And we love. I think they are actively unsubscribing from the ideas that don't serve them well as well. So I believe that to my core.

How are you able to start that process, like, if someone has parents who are totally not into healing or therapy or any of this, how do you begin that journey?

Well, I think first and foremost, it is to respect where that is coming from. And that is what I really struggled with. I used to not understand at all. When my mom was so hesitant towards therapy. I used to really judge her harshly for that. Like, how can you be against something that is good for you? It is good for mental health is real. How do you not understand that? And for so long, I would approach it from a judgmental lens until I actually took a seat and I was like, let me. Let me actually get to the. What is it. What is it that you don't believe or like about therapy? Really understanding the reasons for those types of decisions and thoughts is important because you'll realize it's rooted in a lot of those survival instincts from back in the day. My mom's fear of, like. I was surprised to know it's not that she doesn't believe in therapy. It's that she's really concerned again, about, well, what will the therapist think? What if she tells someone? What if, like, it is all of these things that my brain just doesn't operate that way. And so I think first and foremost, it's actually listen and get to know why your parents think the way they do and then kind of honor that and give that, give value to that. Don't judge it. Know that is valid to them. Even though it may be absurd to your upbringing, it is valid for them. So I think addressing that helped me get to the root of like, okay, well, mom, what if I found a therapist that, like, I will show you all the ways in which you are protected, but privacy. And what if I give you a therapist that has a similar upbringing to you so you know the person is not gonna judge you? And, like, then you start to tackle it from a place of progress as opposed to judgment. So I actually found a therapist that was South Asian that I worked with. I got some sessions, I got my mom involved, and she was totally able to relate to my mom. And more than anything, I just stopped making it a fight and more of a conversation. I know that sounds very. It's easier said than done, but it's true. Stop making everything black and white, this or that, wrong or right. Progress is in the middle, and two people that have different viewpoints can still have a conversation. And the point isn't for you to then see eye to eye at the end of a session or at the end of a conversation. It's to just at least know where the other person is coming from. I think that is the goal is to know where the other person's coming from. And the biggest thing that has changed between me and my parents is not that we see eye to eye on every single thing. It's that they know why I think the way I think, and I know why they think the way they think.

You know, so true. Just to have that compassionate understanding. And yeah, I think they think a therapist is a sign of weakness. And we can also look at the gift of they're used to the family solving everything, not asking for outside help. So it's like if we need someone outside of our family or therapy is for broken homes, we're not a broken home. So it's like all of these. What does it mean if I'm a person who goes to therapy?

I think that's true for a lot of things. Growing up, we think a lot of things are weaknesses again, because we're not taught that they can ever be strengths. And I don't want to pin this just on parents. I also want to pin this on society and the school system, because I have this issue now where as an adult, if I have a day where maybe I don't do work or I don't do emails or I don't do something associated with numbers, but instead I was just like a really great friend or I really listen to someone, it feels like an unproductive day. It feels like a not successful day. And I have grown to have a big issue with that because I found myself in a place where I was good at all of the things I was told to be good at. But I was a bad friend and I was mentally unhealthy. And I kept being lost and thinking, why don't I have this clarity and this happiness and this fulfillment like I was supposed to have being good at all of these things I was told to be good at. And that has been a hard pill to swallow. And it's because of things like therapy not being valued, mental health not being valued, and all these other things not being valued.

So you share this concept about being a triangle in your book. What does that mean?

Okay, so let's dive into this. So during the pandemic, I, like a lot of people I'm sure can relate, had a really tough time, but it wasn't a tough time in the way I thought it was going to be. You know, when it first got announced that we're going into lockdown, everything's shutting down, everything's going away. I thought, oh man, I'm gonna be really bored, and I'm not know what to do with my. And that's what I thought I was going to experience. What I actually experienced was a lot sadder than that, to be honest.

I wish I was bored. I missed that one.

It was more so that when the work went away and the gigs went away and the projects went away, I didn't even feel like a worthy human being. I just had the feeling of, what is my value? What can I do today to feel valuable if I can't do these things? And why am I even here? And what is my purpose? And that really bothered me because I thought, thought that means you don't actually value yourself in any other way and you don't have any other purpose in life except for all of these external things. And then what does that make you as a human being? What is that going to make you years from now if this stuff disappears? And does that mean that up until you got those things, you were worthless? Like, that really was a hard thing to come to terms with. And so I concluded that it was because I felt that way, because I never actually have done the work to have a foundational set of beliefs of who I am and what I want out of life and what's important to me. Because I was always just told what that should be. I was told what to do and what to value without ever actually giving it original thought of my own. And that left me feeling pretty empty and lost. And so I wanted to build a place in my mind, a safe place in my mind that was not tied to anything external, not tied to external relationships, not tied to work, not tied to what I did and didn't have. And so when I decided that was the goal, to create a strong foundation, a safe place in my mind, I hopped onto Google and I put strong foundation, how to build strong foundation. And the triangle popped up. Because structurally, the triangle is the strongest shape in existence because of its strong foundation. And in the book I write about, and if you're a visual learner, I'll kind of paint you this picture. But a triangle doesn't change over time. You see, when you add to a square, it becomes a rectangle. When you add to a circle, it becomes an oval. The fundamentals of those shapes change when you add to a triangle, it just becomes a bigger triangle. It's still a triangle. And I thought, that's how I want to live my life, where I have this set of beliefs, the foundation, where if Tomorrow I win 15 Oscars or I fail 15 times. That foundation doesn't change. It is just being built upon. And so that was what my goal was, would be a triangle.

So beautiful. And I love that visual that we can see, just its sturdy foundation and how that needs to come first and you're not able to. You shared that you were like an upside down triangle at the beginning.

I really was. I was upside down triangle because I feel like I changed from my core very often depending on what was happening in my life. And I know that sounds like a common sense statement, like, of course your attitude and your thoughts are going to change with what's happening to your life, but to such a degree where one day I'm so grateful and I'm so happy and I have such a great outlook on life and then something can happen. And now suddenly I'm like, life sucks and this is not. Why am I even doing this? And I start to spiral. And I thought I literally just sway in whatever direction life events put me in with nothing ever to fall back to, at least physically. When you have a hard day, you can come back to home and it feels like a safe place a little bit. But what is that place, mentally? Was the job I was trying to set off to do.

Yeah. Having that home base. So what were the practices for you that allowed you to recalibrate?

So I, while writing this book, looked at every conflict, struggle in my life and thought, what are a set of pillars I can create where everything I can look at through this lens. And I came up with four. And this was the hardest part of the book, coming up with this framework of, like, what actually makes up this foundation? Because that's a fluffy word, foundation. What does it actually mean? I'm a very practical person. So I came up with four things, and they are a relationship to yourself, a relationship to the universe, understanding distraction, and implementing design. And these four things I chose because, like I said, I could look through every problem through those four pillars. But also they're not tied to anything that will ever change. They are not tied to my job, to any relationship outside of myself, to where I live, to what life stage I'm in. No matter where I go in life, I will always have the relationship to myself. I'll always have the relationship to the universe, I will always have distractions I need to understand. And I will always be able to implement design into my life and change things. Those four things will always be constant. And so that's why I made them the pillars of. Because my goal is to never write a book. And I'm gonna be honest with you, I never wanna write another book again. I'm hoping this thing can be the blueprint for years to come. So I had to design it in a way where it's like, even the things you don't know, life is gonna throw your way. Because we always think we have it figured out. Like, oh, this is the worst. This is the worst pain I'm ever gonna be in. It's always gonna get worse. It's always gonna get better. It's always gonna surprise you in new ways. The universe is a master artist. It will. These pillars have to withstand even the things you don't know about. And I'm confident that these four things can.

So good. And you share such great stories about you practicing meditation and, you know, overcoming the monkey mind. And I, and I love what you wrote about how sometimes we have that expectation of like, well, life shouldn't be so unfair and how really life doesn't owe us anything. So can you share a little bit more about that? Yeah.

This has to do with our relationship to the universe. And I think it's the relationship that most people ignore the most. But whether or not you want to acknowledge it, it does exist, your connection to something bigger than you. And I want to be clear that this is not me coming at things from a religious mindset. Whatever you believe in, whether it's science, power, God, whatever it is, there is something bigger at play than just you. And I think that's an important thing to remember because it also gives us permission to not try to control everything. We should know that as much as we try to control everything, there are things out of our control. So I think that's just a little humbling reminder for everyone. But also the relationship with the universe, I think have this picture painted in our mind of what life should be. And when life doesn't match that picture, instead of questioning our expectations, we question life and the universe. And that's a really illogical thing to do because that's make believe. We've made up this idea in our mind. This is not based on fact. This is based on our ideas. And so we need to see our relationship with the universe for what it is. It is that we are in this experience. Nothing is owed to us. And therefore, when something wonderful happens, it's actually a great thing. The universe having your back. Nothing is against you. And another way I challenge people to think about their relationship to the universe is that every single person listening, I will die on this hill. I Am confident in saying this. No matter what has happened in your life, whatever, think of the worst thing that has happened in your life. The worst thing, the most painful thing, not a single one of you can tell me that something positive did not come from that. The universe is an exchange. It is a beautiful design. Whether you lost a loved one and now you have a greater appreciation of life. Whether it's your house got broken into, but now you have a better security system, Whether it is you had to suffer through a horrible breakup and now you have a better relationship with someone that actually empowers you. The universe is in constant exchange. And we need to think of our relationship with the universe like that. And so I end by saying that the only way to be in a relationship with the universe is to be of service. Because we take and take and ask and ask and ask, but what are we actually giving back into? The universe is an important part of the relationship.

I love that so much. And I feel like manifestation is such a buzzword. But people think about it as like, how do I get the car and the boyfriend and the dollar bills and all these things like, universe, be my sugar daddy. But we forget that we gotta give to the sugar daddy of the universe. We are the sugar daddy of the universe. We are the creatrixes of it all.

And that's why I love the word relationship with the universe. Because when you think of the word relationship, you think of two beings and how they interact with each other. It's not. No relationship should be one way. And so you have to ask yourself, are you the type of partner to the universe you would want? Do you listen back? Do you give back? Do you love back? And would you be in a relationship with someone that didn't do those things? So when you ask for things from the universe, you really have to ask yourself, are you a good partner to the universe? And then the flip side of that being the first pillar, are you a good partner to yourself? Again, relationship to yourself, do you listen to yourself? Do you love yourself? Are you patient with yourself? Are you a good partner to yourself? Do you give yourself the time of day? And that's why I specifically worded these floors as relationships, so that we could think about them through that framework.

I love that. And it is a constant listening and what's showing up and those things that are showing up are the obstacles that are preventing you from having whatever that thing is. Instead of feeling like it's unfair, it's like, oh, this is showing up. So this is my next lesson to Learn?

Yeah, absolutely. I also think that we are as human beings, and another reason I like the word relationship is because we are so all or nothing as human beings. Or at least we've become very all or nothing in some regards. I know when I talk about relationship to self and I talk about meditation, and I'm sure you've experienced this as well, some people will respond saying, I don't know how to. That doesn't work for me. I don't know how to do that. I can't turn my thoughts off. And my response to them is always, who says that's wrong? Maybe what you need to do during meditation is to hear all those thoughts. Maybe you need to listen to yourself. Maybe you've not been listening to yourself and this is your brain's chance of actually getting you to listen to some of these thoughts that you've been ignoring. I think we treat mindfulness and people and situations and conversations very all or nothing. We have to label them, we have to define them. It has to be this or it has to be that. But progress is in the middle. And so we just have to remember that when it comes to our relationships, that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Progress is in the middle.

And that there are so many forms of meditation. So you share that. You use dance as a form of meditation, which I love. Can you share a little bit more about just how you use dance to unwind?

I think. I think we're talking before this about how we're friends with some mutual people. And I'm friends with a lot of people that wake up at 6 in the morning and meditate for three hours. And I'm like, you're so cool, and I could never do that. And I think we need to know that meditation can look different for everyone. Sometimes after a long day, I'll come home, play some Bob Marley, close my eyes and just move my body and dance. Not to be a good dancer, not to perform for anyone, but just to feel my body move and just express and be free. For some people, going on a walk could be meditation. Writing music could be meditation. I also, in the book, talk about the difference between meditation and being present with yourself. Because when I talk about being present with yourself, people will say, isn't that meditation? I have a little bit of a distinction between the two. I think meditation is intentionally making time to isolate yourself and do something that's a safe place for you. I think throughout the day, though, without meditating, you can still choose to be present with yourself. And what I mean, by that is is. I mean, a lot of it has to do with social media. In our reality, it's not the only way we distract ourselves, but it's probably the biggest way, which is, when you're alone in an elevator, do you pull out your phone because you can't even hear your own thoughts? We do with other people in an elevator. I guarantee anyone listening to this, if you walk into an elevator with two other people, every single person's gonna pull out their phone because they don't want that awkward interaction. But do you do that when you're alone in an elevator? You already know you don't have service in that elevator, but you're still gonna do it as a crutch because you don't even wanna be alone with yourself for those 20 seconds in an elevator while you're waiting for a flight. When you have a spare second, how do you spend that time? Is it to then dive into something else, into noise and let noise into your world? Or do you actually sit and think, how do I feel right now? How do I think about this thing right now? What is important to me right now? Those are all ways we can be present with ourself. And the best example of this, I write in the book the that I deleted social media off my phone for six months during the pandemic. And it was exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time because I had phantom hand for a while and my phone kept trying to go onto social media and it wasn't there. But I kept trying, which was scary to me to know how much of a response it just is without us thinking about it. But something wonderful happened. I was in the airport and I was waiting to board a flight. And usually when I'm waiting to board a flight, I'm just on social media waiting to board that flight. Every other person in the terminal was on their phone. And so I was just looking around and I thought, you know what? No, let me try something different. Let me think about the trip I'm about to take. Let me think about what I want, the intention I want for this trip, what I want to feel during this trip, how grateful I am to be going on this trip. And it sounds kind of silly to say, but I felt so important in that moment of listening to myself and giving myself the time of day to have just some thought and to hear them out. And I think we don't do that enough. We don't treat ourselves well like that enough.

So true. It's almost like you seem like A psycho to not be on your phone, just like standing in the line, like staring out into the distance. Because we're so used to every single person, head down. And I think we also feel like we're falling behind. So every spare second I get, maybe I can get ahead of responding to those emails or whatsapps or texts or. And it even affects the quality of our relationships, our friendships. You know, Like, I feel like so many friendships are. I sent a voice note back at one point and then like three days later they send a voice note back and it's like, is that really connection?

Connection is one of the things I fear. There's a few things I fear are becoming extinct. And with social media, and that's connection, context and accountability. I think all of those three things are really important to have meaningful conversations. And those things are very hard on social media. And I want to make it clear, anyone that doesn't know me, I have a career because of social media. I started on YouTube. So I understand. It's kind of strange for me to be saying this, but I think, I think we need to understand our relationship with social media. It is a tool for us to use. It should not be using us. We should not be getting used by social media. And the reason I put social media back on my phone after those six months is because I did the work to adjust my relationship with it and to understand what purpose it should serve in my life. It is a tool to express, to learn. It is not a tool to validate and to define purpose with. It is not a tool to only have conversations on because you cannot have conversations with context and accountability on social media. Those are still better in person, face to face with real people. And we should not make the mistake of thinking otherwise. So social media is great as long as we understand how it should be used.

So now, coming back to social media, how do you use it?

So now I very much so put it in the category of work and expression. It is work because I want to uphold my brand. I want to talk about my projects. I want to make sure that I have a connection with my audience. Notice I said audience very specifically. It is not where I have a connection with my friends or family. It is for my audience. And if I need to express and I want to build community of worldwide people. Yes. Sharing thoughts about mental health and all that stuff, I still do. However, I'll be really honest and say this, and I think some people are a little scared to say this, but I'm going to say we still have to Understand, there is a level of performativeness even when we do those things. Me making a post about my mental health, I could mean every single word and I could really mean for it to help people. But it is still quite an unnatural thing to do to say, I just had an experience. Now I'm going to write a caption about it and I'm going to share it and I'm going to do this pose where I'm like going to lend to the caption. I'm not saying that it's fake, it's just still there's a level of performativeness that I have dealt with, seemed okay for what it is, but I'm not going to make the mistake into thinking that is complete reality now. And I think that's where we need to draw the line between social media and reality.

Totally. And it's almost like our brains are changing that that hat is becoming the norm. Like, I remember I was in Costa Rica and about to jump into this beautiful waterfall and I had to like, stop to take a bunch of stories and I'm like, wow, like, I can't even be here. I need to tell other people that I'm here. And then like, how many times are you with friends? But the whole, it's like people see a picture of you and your friends at dinner, but little did they know 30 minutes was spent just trying to get their own individual photo. And it's like, so it's that performativeness again.

I think the way I've reconciled that is instead of being jaded about that reality because realistically my job requires that to some degree, instead of thinking like, oh, I hate that, I've just accepted that definition of social media. So now jumping into the water for me, I will dedicate five minutes doing the thing I need to do and then I will put my phone away and be like, that was for work and for my audience and to share. But now I can choose to live that experience for real. So it's not like I'm saying we have to pick one or the other. It's just know that that's the tool and what it's used for instead of believing that that actual whole experience can only be lived via social media.

Totally, yes. And I think there's just so many benefits of social media as well that there are people who are like, screw it, I'm just getting off this app and they create their realities in a different way. But for us, I've built my whole career based off of social media as well. So you Just gotta pick. It's a mixed bag, everything in life.

And I think you can also subscribe to the ideas that serve you best. You know, I love social media. I, I hate Twitter. I haven't been on Twitter for months and months and I am okay with that. It's not good for me or my mental health and I've decided that that's just what it is and that's how I live my life.

Totally. Yeah. And it's. And it's knowing which ways you want to show up. And I think creating art out of it too, which I have seen you've been doing around your book. And it's like these are art pieces, they're forms of expression and letting it come from that place.

Absolutely, definitely.

So if someone is thinking, well, you know what, Lily and Sahara, you guys are already successful. So easy for you to say to have work life balance and not be on social media. But I still got to get this shit off the ground. What would you have to say to them?

I'm going to give this a really real answer. I'm going to say, I totally agree with that person. It is very easy to preach about work life balance when you've gotten to a place where you can actually have it. And I'm going to be real. In 2010, when I started making YouTube videos, I did not have work life balance. I pulled many an all nighter. I hustled very, very hard. And I'm also gonna say I regret no part of that. I do not think I would be where I am right now if I did not spend those years hustling. However, to that I say this. I hustled so hard those years with the goal of one day I'm gonna earn my stripes and be able to do what I really care about and I'm gonna be able to have the life I want and I have to just earn my stripes. We get so caught up in that race that we forget that goal sometimes. And I think I caught myself in that place this year where I think, I thought, are you not now in that position where you can have worth life balance but you're not doing it still because you've convinced yourself that this race of always wanting more and always getting more is where you want to be. But no, the goal was always to have, be able to say yes to your passion project, do what you wanted to do. Because yes, I had to do gigs I didn't care about and I had to do projects I wasn't passionate about and I did all of that to earn stripes. So this is again where I go back to saying it does not have to be all or nothing in the sense of now I still work really, really hard, but now I believe I've earned my stripes to have some work life balance. But I. And this could be an unpopular opinion and I'm happy for people to disagree with me. I think it's unrealistic to tell people who are early on in their career that they can start saying no to their bosses and they can start taking vacations all the time and that they will get to where they want to get. I think you absolutely have to have that race and you have to work really, really hard, hard to work to a place where you can get that.

I mean, I agree with that. I've pulled so many all nighters in my career and I wouldn't be where I am. I wouldn't have been able to write my books and everything had I not. And I do think knowing what I know now, there could have been a different way of doing it 100%. But I didn't know. So I had to do what I had to do.

If you go back, would I prioritize my mental health a little more? Yes. Would I avoid doing all nighters? No. Would I avoid working really hard? No. I probably would still say no to people's birthday party and focus on work. I would probably still do all of that. I would probably the one thing I would implement is meditation and mental health practices. But it would be naive to think that all of the greatest people I know that have all the things on their vision boards, you do have to make some sacrifices. You do. I don't want to lie to people and say that from the jump you can just have work life balance. But the goal is hopefully that you can work to a place where you do. And so I hope when I say that people don't take it in a way that's negative or meant to be disheartening. But I want to be real that you do have to. You can work very hard but also be mentally healthy. But you still have to work really, really hard. Like that's not going to change. And I think again, people think it has to be all or nothing. Either you're going to meditate 10 hours a day or you have to say no to your boss and punk your boss. Or you hustle really hard. No. I encourage us to find that balance. But working hard is always going to be part of the recipe that is not going to go away.

Yes, 100%. And that meditation can support you in not burning out and being able to come from more creative place and, you know, not come across different blocks like going back. I would have not been as anxious as I was the whole time because you have that trust. But at the same time, I do think we learn these things. You earn your stripes and you figure it out along the way. And I guess my question for you is how did you know when you could come to a place to be able to chill a little bit? I guess people don't really. It's sometimes that day never comes right.

For me, it was less about chilling and more about fun. And I'll explain this. I think for a lot of my career when I should have been having fun doing what I was doing, I was too stressed to be having fun. I was too obsessed with the outcome to have fun. I was too obsessed with perfection to have fun. I would always, I would do these amazing things, go to amazing events, meet amazing people and at the end of it I wouldn't with wrestle and thinking about what a great memory that was, I would think, why didn't I do that better? Why didn't this turn out perfect? How can I get more of this? It was always just more, more, more, but, but, but never like that was awesome. And the final straw for me was I had two seasons of a late night show on NBC and that was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It was after Seth Meyers and it was.

And you looked amazing in every outfit you're hanging out.

Oh my God. Thank you sweet for saying that. But it was a very tough experience for me because it was so physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally taxing in a way that I've never experienced before. And I remember coming home after like shooting 18 hours and thinking that was horrible. I actually did not have fun doing that. And I had to do that every day for many, many months. And that was such a crushing feeling because after years and years of climbing the ladder, I remember thinking to myself, why aren't you in the. You said you were going to be where you were going to be able to do things that were fun and that you were passionate about and you were going to live this dream life like other pieces are there, but you still don't have the feeling you wanted. And I discovered it was because I tell people I never wanted to be a late night host. The reason I said yes to that was because I actually said no to it first. I said no to it was the first time it came to my desk. And then it came back around and it was expressed to me how historic it could be. And then of course, my ego got a little of the best of me and thinking, I want to be involved in this morning. But then my responsibility and duty also got the best of me of thinking, if I say no to this and it goes to someone else, this historic moment could never happen and I could not be paving this path. So responsibility and pressure and ego are the things that got me to say yes to that. Not passion, not genuine desire. And I was naive to think that those feelings would help me get through those long, hard nights of shooting. And so. And so after the late night shoot of the second season, I vowed to myself that now an important part of every decision I make is going to be, are you going to have fun? My definition of success now has changed. It is not just numbers, it is not just the paycheck, it is not just the historic nature. It is, are you going to have fun? That is in the center of my vision board. It is my definition of success now. So now, literally, when a project comes my way, me and all my Asians will be on a call and we'll talk about the money and we'll talk about the time commitment, we'll talk about the contract. But then I'm going to ask the question, do I like this? Is this something I'm passionate about? Is this going to be fun for me? Are these people going to be nice to work with? These are things that I really care about now. So I learned it through the late night show, through literally being kind of tortured, I learned that I valued that because I had to learn the opposite. I had to experience the opposite first.

Fun is one of my core values as well. And I think too, the beauty of Back to social media is you have that experience of being your own own creative producer and director and everything. Whereas when you go to tv, it's just an older paradigm that you lose some of that freedom and that spontaneity and that fun that I think right now, so many of us, we think, oh, the pinnacle of success is being on tv, right? But in today's landscape, like is that actually we're reaching so many more people on social media. So I think it's just you had that freedom in a way already and you had to realize maybe be how much freedom that you already had and now be able to use it in your own expression, right?

And I love that you brought this up because when I agreed to do the late night show, so many people joked Saying, so you want to get paid less and have less people watch than what you're doing right now? And I had to really ask myself the question, and you'll realize the theme with me is I always ask myself the why. What is the real reason of why you're doing what you're doing? And that has served me well in life to really dive deep and to go beyond the. The why is simple. I grew up still with television and movies. I did not grow up in the generation of social media. So I adored movie stars, movie stars and pop stars, and people that were on tv. And so I know in my heart there's still a part of me that ties success to that, to the red carpet, to that big screen, even though it's less people and it's less relevant. And I have allowed myself to be human in that way. I've embraced that. Instead of, okay, if that's important to you, then chase it. It's okay. Maybe the relevancy doesn't matter. If it's something that the inner child of you wants, I give you the permission to chase that. So it has been kind of a interesting thing to chase TV and movies, even though, yes, the digital work I do gets way more views and is way more relevant than all of those things, but I'm kind of fulfilling the dream of the inner child.

Yeah. And I loved you in Dollface, where you had a scripted role, and it.

Was so good, and I had so much fun doing things like that. And so, like I said, and I understand anyone listening to this might be, like, rolling their eyes because it's such a privileged conversation. I get it. To me, like, I now make decisions based on fun, and I don't have to think about money, but I think that everyone needs to do that chase and that climb to get to that place. And then when you get to that place, recognize that. I think so many of us, my parents don't even recognize they're in that place. I talk about this in my book as well, about how so many of us are. Are surviving not because we need to survive, but because survival is a habit. It is a habit now we cannot shed. My parents and relatives, like, my mom is on a vacation right now, and I'm so proud of her because they never take vacations. They're saving money for this abstract thing that is never gonna need it. I'm like, mom, I am well off. I'm not gonna get married. Like, let that ship sail. You don't need to save money for this anymore. But. But, like, they just. Their answer to everything is always happiness will be later. That stuff is later. It is not for us. Why is it not for you? Why can you not. If you have the means and your kids are grown up, why can you not spend your money on whatever you want to spend it on? Why can you not try new things? Why can you not have hobbies? Because they are always surviving, but they don't need to survive. So I encourage all of us to really question ourselves. And if we're. We're needing to survive right now, I.

So resonate with that. Yes. And having more fun and that brings in more. More ideas, more drive, more creat creativity and everything else.

I will even go as far as saying, and I say this in my book, that not living a fulfilling life is selfish. I think one of the best ways to be of service to the universe is to live a fulfilling life. Because when you live a fulfilling life, you bring your best version of yourself to the universe and to relationships. And not bringing the best version of yourself that only you can uniquely bring is the. I think living a happy, fulfilling life that is fun is actually an act of service. I really believe that. And since writing this book, I'm the best version of myself. My relationships have gotten better. I'm a better daughter, I'm a better friend, I'm a better everything. And I feel like I would not have been able to do that if I didn't focus on fun and fulfillment. And so I encourage us to think about our relationship with those ideas and questioning why we think they're selfish.

Totally. And it's that replacing the old paradigm of me to be of service, I need to sacrifice, but rather it's from a place of joy because you have so much more to give.

Yes, absolutely, yes. Oh, my God, yes. I love all of it.

So much incredible wisdom, so much vibes. So where.

Yeah.

So where can people get your new book? Be a triangle.

Yes, you can get my new book@lilly singhbook.com or in your local bookstore if you want to support a local bookstore. No one's mad about that, but I really believe it could be a gift to the world. You know, I. I truly mean this, and I'm gonna be really honest. I hope you've gathered, I'm a pretty honest person. If you don't wanna get the book, don't get the book. Who cares? Who cares about the book? But I can tell you, in my life, I have never worked on something that has helped me as much as this book. No project, no movie, no event has helped me. I use the things I talk about in this book in my meditation almost every day. I am in the best physical, mental, spiritual, emotional shape of my life. It is a short, concise read and I do believe, even if you don't agree with every part of it, maybe your pillars look different from mine. More than anything, I want this book to serve as I want it to be a light in the world and remind people that you are never too old, you are never too far gone, you are never too set in your ways to not work on yourself. I think we need to work on ourselves like we are the most important project of our life. Even though school didn't tell us that, even though our parents didn't tell us that, even though society and culture didn't tell us that. I'm telling you that now, in case you've not heard it, that you can work on yourself like you are the most important project and you should, and you deserve that.

So good. And it's such a good book to listen to on audible as well because you narrate it and it's just.

I do narrate it so you'll hear this goofy, over the top voice narrating this book.

Oh, yes. All right, well, thank you so much for being here today. We deeply appreciate it.

I appreciate it. Thank you.

Ah, yes. How amazing was that conversation? I love chatting with Lily and I love how real she is because I feel like what happens sometimes in the spiritual space is everyone just pretends like, oh, I just manifested my whole career and I quantum leaped into it and like, here I am with zero work and it's just not true. Like anything that you create, even being creating this podcast, you know, it takes work. I'm. I'm here recording an outro for you guys. So sometimes we get dissuaded because people paint to us a false reality that we're like, oh my God, this is really hard. So is this not my Dharma? Is this not my path? But it's like, no, it's going to be hard and you get to grow through it and you get to take care of yourself, so it's a little bit easier and have your practices so you're able to, to tolerate a lot more than you would have if you didn't have these practices. So I love Lily's practical and grounded and of course, joyful approach and I think that fun laughter celebration is really what is so needed. So thank you so much for tuning in. Please share this episode on your stories. If this resonated this episode may help someone out there who wants to be a content creator or create their project off the ground and it's may inspire them to really be able to do so from a place of the heart as well as heal our relationship with our families. So if you loved this episode, I would love for you to leave a review. So please share a review with me if you're listening to this on itunes and take a screenshot of that review so I can send you a free gift as my thank you. You can email that free gift over to Sahara@iamsaharose.com Take a screenshot of your review and I will send you a free gift of unreleased book Eat Right for your Mind Body Type, which is a deep Ayurveda book all about eating right for your dosha. So again, take a screenshot of your review and send it over to sahara@imsaharabros.com and I will send you over my free ebook. I hope you love this conversation. Share it with people that you think it may resonate with and I'll see you in the next one. Namaste.

Sa.