489: Cultivating Eros Within Ourselves + In Our Relationships with Luci Lampe

Low sex drive is a symptom of a disconnection to Eros, and it really is that we are Eros starved. So can you share a little bit more about that?

I'm speaking to those people who, they know that they were once sexual beings. Like, they had that desire, they had that arousal, and they're just not sure, you know, what happened or I know that on the surface, I'm tired. But there's more. There's something more, because I'm seeing this as another choreography instead of as a potential healing space and a space to let go of the day, because we're bringing all of these performative expectations, and it's meant to be this deeply intimate erotic space where you can bring all of you. And if all of you, if that full expression of you that day doesn't want penetration or doesn't want to do whatever the act is that would usually be done, that could be the space for that, to hold that and be present with it and to find the eroticism in that.

Namaste, it's Sahara Rose. And welcome back to the Highest Self podcast, a place where we discuss what makes you your soul's highest evolvement. I've recently been really going down the journey of self, pleasure, sensuality, and Eros. You know, I feel for so many of us after we go through a heartbreak, it really is an invitation for a heart opening. And we can ask ourselves, what do I really desire in relationship, in intimacy, in romance, and those things that we are calling in that we often outsource to other people, right? If only I could be with that person because he's so romantic or he's so in his body or he's so this really, we are just craving those things within us. And every single person that we're attracted to really is a muse for an energy that we seek to desire. So I've been really sitting with how do I want to feel? And what are the ways that I can deep dive into my own sexuality? Because the truth is, sexuality and creativity are inherently related. And when we can connect with this energy, it opens us up to receive so many more insights and downloads and awareness. And it's all related to that sacral chakra energy, that second chakra that represents creativity, sensuality, abundance, pleasure, joy. So this has been my commitment for the past few years, but, like, even more so now on this other end of the heartbreak and being the phoenix rising from the ashes. And I feel that after a heartbreak, you have two choices, right? You either become angry, pessimistic, I hate Life. I don't trust men close or you just use it to get blasted the fuck wide open and let your entire life become an orgasm. And that's what I'm going for, honey. So I have been following different people who have been inspiring me and I've actually been following this queer Lucy since TikTok. So like, I want to say I found her in maybe in early 2021 and her videos were just like so beautiful and sensual and empowered. And then I was blown away to learn that she had four kids and has been married for 16 years and is so deeply connected with her Eros. So this is the perfect timing to bring her here on the podcast to really discuss first of all, what is Eros, how can we connect to self pleasure, whether we're single, whether we're in relationship, long term relationship, and to cultiv more of these energies that we are really calling in rather than outsourcing them from someone else, but being the living embodiment of it. So without further ado, let's welcome Lucy here on the Highest self podcast.

Welcome so much. I'm so excited to be here and that we get to do this in person.

So good. Yeah. And the perfect timing because this has been like every single one of your Instagram posts. I save. I'm like, save, save, save, save. I'm like, I'm in a relationship, but like, save that one for later. So I love everything that you share and it just deeply connects to my soul. But before we get into all of that, the first question I'd love to ask you is, what makes you your highest self?

You know, for me, that would be following wherever my heart is taking me at the moment, which over the weekend can be creating another music video or finishing an album and then the next day putting together a course on squirting. So, you know, just following that, that's what keeps me connected in my highest self.

It's so incredible when we tune into our sensuality and our creativity. It's like, I can create anything. Like, I love how you were like, check out my new song. I'm like, yes. Because like, I make songs too. Like, also courses. And it's like, then you realize creativity can be flowed in any ways. And it's not like, oh, I'm a singer or I'm a content creator or I'm a this or that. It's like we're all artists of life and we can tune into any form of art, including our sexuality, and using.

That as a form of art. And that's in fact that erotic energy is the source of that creation. It's that creative energy.

Yes. So you've been married for 16 years, you have four kids, and you're still deeply sexually fulfilled. But it hasn't always been this way. So can you share with us a little bit of your journey? You're just born like this, a sexual goddess.

Maybe she's born with it or maybe fucking not.

Yeah, maybe a lot of fucking work. Yeah, yeah.

You know, it was a lot of work initially just to sift through all of these layers of being the good girl. First of all, I grew up as a pastor's daughter in evangelical Christianity. And so there was a lot of. A lot of limitations that I had in my belief system and all these things, especially in regards to my sexuality. And I reflect on this a lot, how I was always a wildly imaginative and creative kid and I was always connected to this magic and that arrows, that erotic energy and everything. But then it just got whenever, whenever I hit puberty and I started to get some boobs and I started to look more like a woman, it just took a weird turn, you know, it was like my parents didn't know what to do with that. And I can't blame them. They did the best that they could. But that's when I remember it began to feel like something inside of me was just being suffocated. I went to a Pentecostal Full Gospel college and that's where I met my husband Ryan, which the whole process of deconstruction and reconstruction of faith is. I'm not even going to touch that. But there has been that, and that's been a big part of this journey as well. But it wasn't until after I'd become a mother and a wife that I even began to create this awareness or have this awareness of, oh my God, I'm very repressed sexually, or I have a limited experience of pleasure and I'm relying on my husband to give me that. And it really took a big wake up call for me to just begin to reclaim that sovereignty in general. And that was when he was in the military. And he was always like this really strong, can do the craziest things physically that nobody would dare to try kind of guy. And then he just mysteriously, but not coincidentally, this is how the universe works for about two and a half years, was kind of sucked into this downward spiral of depression and disability. And we had four kids already. The youngest was just a newborn. Actually, it was before he was born. It was when our third daughter was a baby. And I was like, something has to change. Something has to change because I am dying here. Like, this is, this is hell. I don't know about that hell that I grew up learning about, but this, this is hell. So I knew that something had to change. And as much as I hated this, I was like, I have to be the one to make the change. And I cannot really condense that the next few years of that in a very concise way. But I will say that it involved a lot of seeing where I was outsourcing, not just my pleasure, but my happiness and my wellbeing and my peace to the emotional state of the people around me, especially my husb. And especially as the sole, also financial provider during that time. It was like carrying this dead weight and I didn't have my partner, I didn't have my, like the person that I could rely on to really be present with our kids. I myself couldn't be present. There was just so much, so much there. But yeah, really reconnecting with my pleasure and releasing all of the shame and the resistances around that is what opened up all of this that we are able to experience now. And that was a really courageous step for me. Just even simply deciding, you know, I'm going to do a self pleasure ritual. That thought came to me in a meditation, which I'd been doing. I'd been meditating for years, but I was like, we're going to go next level with this, okay? And it came to me, it was like, you need to masturbate every day. I was like, what? Isn't that. But I'm not one of those women, like, I don't need to do that. I'm not that horny. I hardly ever want sex. He's always like having to. It's like pulling teeth. Whichever direction you want to go in in that journey, I'm happy to expand on.

I so relate to that feeling of being like, wow, I'm in my living hell. And I feel like when we get to that place, that's when we really have the choice of am I going to completely shift my life and how I show up in everything or just stay here. And isn't it ironic how like our greatest pleasure comes from being in our deepest hell grief death portal. And for me with this divorce, it was the same way that old version of me had to die fully the part of me, same thing, outsourcing my pleasure, thinking that sex was only with, you know, my then husband and that same good girl conditioning at the same time and realizing that you're never going to have the sex that you want, the romance that you want, the relationship. None of these things if we're not embodying it. Because our life is a reflection of our vibration. So even if, you know, right now I'm like, oh, I want a tantric romantic lover that sings to me and reads me poetry, but it's like, am I being that? Am I, am I singing to myself? Am I reading myself poetry? Am I loving myself in that way? And then when you start doing that, then the this, like, desire to like, find someone else to do it for you, it naturally melts away because you don't need that anymore. You're already living it. And then naturally, I'll keep you posted if it happens. It may or may not happen, but I'm, I'm, I'm holding the space, but ultimately it's releasing the desperation. So I have so many questions for you, but I want to start with low sex drive because that's something that you mentioned and I know it's something that so many women experience of. Just like, frankly, we're tired in today's world. You know, we're working. You know, you are working as the breadwinner while taking care of four kids while then these like, expectations as wife and mom and etc. So I feel like a, a lot of us women specifically and men are just too exhausted at the end of the day to then like, oh, now, now I'm supposed to like put on lingerie or do this or do that. And it feels like another thing on the to do list. And you wrote in one of your Instagram posts that low sex drive is a symptom of a disconnection to Eros, and it really is that we are Eros starved. So can you share a little bit more about that?

Yes. Okay. So also before I dive in, I wanna preface it with that not everyone. I know that there's a wide spectrum of sexuality. And somebody did ask on that post, what about asexual people? To which I addressed in that post, if anybody wants to see that. But when I'm speaking this message, I'm speaking to those people who, they know that they were once sexual beings. Like they had that desire, they had that arousal, and they're just not sure, you know, what happened. Or I know that on the surface I'm tired. But there's more. There's something more because I'm seeing this as another chore instead of as a potential healing space and a space to let go of the day because we're bringing all of these performative expectations. And it's meant to be this deeply intimate erotic space where you can bring all of you. And if all of you, if that full expression of you that day doesn't want penetration or doesn't want to do whatever the act is, that would usually be done, that could be the space for that. To hold that and be present with it and to find the eroticism in that. So just. I'll speak to my own journey. A lot of what I experienced in working intimately with my sexuality is I realized how much had been stripped in my entire life of erotic essence. And I thought it was so cheesy at the time. Like, when people said, are you turned on by life? I'm like, I don't know. My pussy's not wet by it, but I guess it's good enough. But it's that feeling of aliveness and everything. And I can just look when I would cry, when I cry. It's extremely erotic. Yes, it's alive. My grief is alive. My pain is alive. All of it is extremely erotic when we are just aware and we expand our awareness of the aliveness that's all around us. It's so much bigger than the sexual. I love. In Mark Gaffney's work, he talks about how the sexual model Z erotic and the sexual is just that. We have thwarted it and made it all about sex. When it's that energy that is, like, pulsing beneath everything that is alive. It's all around us, all in us. It's all up in you. But we just sometimes confuse that. We're like, oh, this means sex. Or, oh, I need to get all of this from sex. And sex cannot carry that pressure. It will collapse under it. So that feeling of aliveness, when we restore that and we liberate the erotic presence in our lives, it makes sex way better than we could ever imagine. It doesn't become about, is there an equal exchange of orgasms? Like, it's just all. It's kind of. As weird and paradoxical as this may sound, it just, like, works itself out because the bigger thing that you're being held by is the space of pres. Of deep presence and love. And in that, it's not like, well, I got mine. I mean, let me make sure I get mine. And we can carry that energy into every single thing that we do.

Yeah, I feel like, you know, we talk a lot in our society about you got to schedule sex to get it in. And I think just scheduling connection time, you know, just connecting physically, emotionally, sexually, touching sensuality.

That has nothing to do with like outright sex that could lead there, but we're not doing it so that it will lead there.

Yeah. Because to me, like, anytime I'd like to scheduled or even had an expectation, like, let's say it's like you guys went to a special dinner and there's like this expectation of like, okay, you have to have sex. That would make me just not want to. Because it's like the expectation is there that for whatever reason. But then it was the times that it's spontaneous, that's the best. But I think it's hard because oftentimes, you know, couples are like two ships passing in the night of different work schedules, etc, so just having that time like a sensorium where you're just touching each other and being with each other. And I feel that that will naturally just open your heart, lead to sex potentially, but the pressure of it is off.

Yeah. And one of the biggest things that I see with couples, when the woman feels shut down. Cause usually, not always, but usually the couples that come to me, the woman has a lower sex drive and she's like. And they're usually moms and they're usually working moms. I guess like attracts like. But what often happens is that when we remove the pressure of sex, they begin to. They just, their hearts begin to trust their partners more that I can open and I can be myself with you. And you're not going to try to twist that into now give me what I want. Because I gave you what you want. So one of the first things that we do in our work together is removing that pressure from it having to be sexual and really bringing it back to that intimacy. Because even if it ends with sex, a lot of times they don't feel. They still feel the emptiness because it's just like, okay, check. Why are you still not happy?

Right.

Why do you still want more? Why is it never enough for you? And he's like, well, I don't know. Why aren't you? So when we make seeing each other's hearts and showing up as we are and being deeply present the goal, instead of how long do I have to go down on you until I can stick it in and then we can be done. And like, let's go to bed because we're tired, it can energize you. So a lot of the things too that I like to teach are in these erotic practices that couples can do that are playful and fun and bring back the curiosity and the newness. So we create these containers on purpose. And then we let whatever wants to unfold unfold in that. So we are very intentional about that.

So what does creating an erotic container look like?

Yeah, okay. So it depends on the couple. Depends on what they're into. I personally really love to play a lot in the kink space. And so sometimes it looks like I'll use ourselves as an example if we're doing something that is more in the kinky space. And we will talk ahead of time and say, okay, what is it that you want to experience in this? Like, what's off the table? What are the hard limits or the boundaries for this? What's aftercare gonna look like? However, I know that not everyone is, like, going deep into kink. So it could be simply as, like, as easy as. We're Gonna set aside 30 minutes or 45 minutes, and let's just begin breathing together and let's begin touching each other's skin and just, like, recognize the erotic, the aliveness in each other. And anytime that we notice, like, oh, I need to rush. I need to hurry.

Do you always start with eye gazing and breathing together?

Not always, but most of the time, yeah. Some kind of connection or at least a thing is that the eye gazing and the breathing is such an easy thing to do that it's like, most of the time that's a part of it. Ryan and I, we make it an intentional practice to stay connected and keep the erotic energy alive between us throughout the day. So that's a whole other kind of art or set of skills.

Next. But yeah, so, okay, so you schedule time. This is going to be our connection time. You look into each other's eyes, you breathe together, and if you're working with kink, you discuss what you want before. So I'd love to ask you, because I feel like kink is coming up more in the collective with tantra, as opposed to before, it seemed separate. Right.

And almost opposite.

Opposite, exactly. Like, you're either going to have this, like, sensual, connected, spiritual sex, or it's like dirty, raunchy, kinky.

I'm going to beat you up.

I'm seeing so many people are. Are really merging them together, including yourself. So can you share? Like, what do some of these practices look like?

Well, I personally really love. I love spanking. I love rope tying. I actually have, like, a really nice leash and collar that. That I ordered. That's, like, custom. But the whole thing for me is the art of surrender and learning how to lead. And so when every. As long as everything is consensual, you know, It's. It can be incredibly healing. And also, not only that, it can relieve so much of the shame that we tend to bottle up. And it's. It's like, you know, Brene Brown's work. As she says, as soon as we bring it out of the shadow and we just expose it and call it out, it begins to lose its power on us. So imagine how powerful and healing it is to let those parts of yourself be seen by this person that you're sharing your life with and they accept all of you. I don't know. Everybody's got different kinks. Okay. They might not be totally on board with it ever or at first, but it's not even about that. It's just letting ourselves fully be seen. That's the intimacy. And so those spaces. So I'm going to bring it back to your question. Yes. What would those space scenarios look like? So my personal favorite is when there's some form of, okay, you're leading or I'm leading, and we establish what are we feeling today?

One of you always dom or something?

No, we do like to switch off. I think if we could both be in the surrendered space in the subspace all the time, we would. But this is the beauty, actually, of our dynamic, is that both of us have this ability to lead that we didn't tap into until the other person really expressed and a desire to. To be led. So my personal favorite is a combination of, let's say somebody's doing some leading or some dominating, some kind of, like, really deep care, and you can completely let go. And then we move into this, like, energetic space where there's this, like, deep, like, felt sense. Like, I can feel his cosmic cock and stuff like that, you know, before he's inside of me and just feeling that presence and consciously working with that energy inside as we transition between the scenes or whatever we're doing. So for me, the kink is very deeply, energetically connected. And I know that it isn't for everyone, which is. I really love that this is becoming more of a thing now that people are merging that with the energetic and the spiritual aspects of sex.

Yeah. Like, personally, I was never into kink. It was my least erotic blueprint. I was like, why would I want to be hurt? You know?

And you don't have to be hurt. That's the thing.

Well, here's the thing. It just wasn't practiced in the correct way. Like someone just, like, you're having sex and suddenly spanks you really hard.

Right.

Of course you're going to Be like, not the context. That's not the context. And it's just. It just stings. And then it's just like it fell out of the blue. However, my friend Alexa, that sex chick, I don't know if you know her, I recently had her on the podcast as well. And after the podcast, she created a little like kink sensorium temple space for me. And she kind of was like spanking me with different sounds, like really crazy. I had my clothes on, guys. But I was like, I want to know more about. About kink because it's not something that I'm into. And it's like, there's obviously a lot there and a lot of the people I respect and I resonate with their words. It's been such a huge part of their spiritual journey. So I'm just like, there's obviously something for me there. So basically what she did was she showed me like, okay, right now I'm speaking. It was very rhythmic, so nothing was like out of the blue. And she's like, okay, right now I'm spanking you with cuffed hands. How does this feel? How is this one to ten? Okay, this is a four. Okay, what number is this? Okay, this is a six. I'm only going to go up to six. And there was like so much conversation. Yes. And she's like, now I'm spanking you with a flat hand. How does this one feel? And I'm like, oh, this one feels a little bit more of a. A sting after. And she was like, okay, now what does the.1 2. And she would never go to 10. But it's like, what number do you feel comfortable until? And then there was one that's just like the top of the hand, which was much more. Just a little like spin.

Stingy little. Yeah, a little more stingy that way.

So then she. It was like, it kind of felt like, you know, in the massages where they do like the chop chop thing.

It just like felt like it's very therapeutic and it can lead you to trauma from the body too. And stuck energy.

Well, you know, because I twerk. So yes, it was just like letting my butt jiggle, which is like, that's why I love twerking. Because that just feels good because it's.

Like, really, you don't have to do anything.

And it was just jiggling. And I was like, oh, this is nice. And I'm like, oh, no wonder. I didn't think I liked the spanking before. Cuz that was just like a freaking blow. Whereas this Is like, it feels like a. A massage. And then so she would do like the cupped one and then like add in a little. It felt like fireworks. You know, you're seeing these fireworks and like a big one, a surprise. And I was like this. I get it now. And then she tried this pinwheel.

The pinwheel? Yes.

That like, I saw. And I was like, I don't.

It looks scary.

It looks like a dentist appliance. It was like.

It's so, so traumatized by dentists.

It's like this like, handle with this like circle pinwheel with like little ridges on it. I was like, oh, that looks like it's going to hurt. But it didn't at all. It just felt like sensation. And then she had feathers and she says she has this like low temperature candle wax, which we.

Oh, I love candle play.

Yes, yes. But it's like a way that you can like put candles so interacting between hot and cold. So then she had this like metal thing that was like cold and hot. And it was a really beautiful experience to just like, be in my body and like feel things and receive things. Because at the end of the day, you know, we're so in our heads, we're so stressed. We need a pattern interrupt. And you know, often we'll just go on a walk or stretch or something, but to have something like, done for you, and it really inspired me. I'm like, whoever my future lover is, I would just love to create these containers that were just like creating that for each other because it allows you to exactly have that surrender. But like, I feel like in our western world, our minds are so engaged, but when there's all these different sensations, the mind naturally just dissipates.

Yeah. And. But what happens often is that we're like, oh, that, that thing is gonna. At the end of the day to pattern interrupt is gonna be sex. But it's the same predictable.

Right.

Pattern of sex.

Yeah.

And it doesn't give us a lot of even sex.

You're like, am I gonna be turned on? Like, it's something you have to show up for. Whereas this is like, you don't need to do anything. You can just receive. And maybe it will lead to sex and maybe it won't.

Yes. And that's the other thing is that kink does not include sex. Like it. It can happen completely independent of sex. So that's a whole other thing. Cause that can also get confused. It' it doesn't always hurt and it doesn't always lead to sex. One of my favorite kink educators and mentors. Kimmy Inch. We learned so much from her. If you don't follow her already, I would highly recommend it. She does conscious kink, and we got to experience a weekend with her two falls ago. And that was so healing. That was so healing for both of us. So this can be a really powerful thing to explore. Yeah.

And I think it's so powerful to go with your partner to learn these workshops because what I feel the dynamic that women like us often get into is we become the teacher teacher, we become the coach. We become.

That's not erotic.

And that's not erotic. If you're like teaching your partner. Okay, you know, I guess communication from communication, though. Yeah, communication needs to happen. But not like you're his sole, like, sexual educator, you know? Like, I think for both partners, whether you're in a heterosexual, homosexual, any kind of relationship, unless you're asexual, people want better sex. Right. So making it a priority to go to these workshops and for both of you to learn new things, because then that's sexy that you're bringing something new into the table rather than being in the dynamic of, like, I need to be your teacher.

Right. Yeah. And coming home from something like that, it's like, oh, I didn't know that. I loved being flogged so much. Like, we need to get some new toys. And. And for the next month after that, we were doing something different every day. And it was. It was just so refreshing because we'll go through seasons.

So do you guys do like a container like this every day?

Not specifically like that, no. It depends.

We'll see what some sort of connection every day.

Yeah, definitely some connection every day. One of the biggest things too, in practice on the emotional side, is that whenever we notice, we're very attuned to our resistances. When I feel a resistance in myself and also when I feel a resistance against him, like, oh, I just don't like that you did that. Like, ah, that was a turn off. And to be able to communicate, hey, babe, when you did this, I felt this. And he doesn't need to do a damn thing about it. That creates so much more openness and trust in the relationship that it's like, I don't need to change who I am. Our behaviors can be modified. Yes. But there's not this feeling of like, you need to change or else. And that is wildly underestimated how important that is in creating the environment for Eros to actually flow because it cannot breathe. Where there is this even contempt that's probably the most severe where there is this feeling of needing to control each other or not being able to let yourself be seen. And so in the great, the bigger, larger scope of things, even though exposing those parts of ourselves will create some ripples, some little, you know, rock the boat along the way, it's always for the best in the long run. But when the alternative is hiding and then we wonder why we feel so alone. And I did that for a long time and I didn't even notice that I was doing it. I didn't know any different.

Because our erotic lives are a representation of our emotional well being overall.

Yeah. They're not separate.

Yeah, exactly. You can't have like all of these things swept under the surface in your relationship and then like amazing, mind blowing sex. Like it's just, you know, that's just not going to happen. And you know, I'm reading this book called Vagina by Virginia Woolf.

I don't know. Yes, yes, yes.

And she writes about how for women, when we are feeling like angry or unheard in any way, we actually are, we repel from physical touch.

Yeah.

Like, you know when you're angry at your partner and they try to hug you and just like, get. Yeah. Like, get off of me. You know that. Whereas for men that actually doesn't happen that much. Like men still want to be touched often. So men often will like go closer to the woman when there's something and it's like, that's not what we want. We want to feel heard and respected and received. So I think that voicing the thing that shows up so when you say that he doesn't have to do a thing about it, like what comes up for me is like, I feel like sometimes you want the changed action. Right. So let's say I don't know if an example has come up in your relationship that you can share something like this of how did you voice something? And so does he just like listen and nod? Like, what does that look like?

Yeah, I mean there was a thing that I said. I haven't talked to him about this, but there was something. So I'll just give like very vague examples. Sorry to be cryptic, but we were at the store and he got something and it wasn't something that he would usually get. And we were just vibing with each other before that. We were so happy. I felt so open. He can feel. Men are so sensitive emotionally, so much more than we give them credit for. Side note. But he can feel when I'm open and when I'm contracted And something about the energy in me, around me and towards him, contracted. And then the whole drive home, he could. I could feel that. He could feel it. Like, there wasn't that same aliveness, that same erotic energy that was there just, like, five minutes before. So we get home, and I'm kind of, like, in my head about it. I'm like, well, maybe I should just like, why am I so upset about this? Like, I'm doing all the inner work, right? Like, why is this triggering me? What is this bringing up in me? And then it just got to the point where I was like, okay, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go be with him again right now, and I'm not gonna carry this with me. And so. So literally, what I said was, babe, when you bought that, I felt this, and I told him what I felt. And I just want to let you know there's nothing you need to do about that. You don't need to change anything about that. I just want you to see me. And he was just very present in that space. He was like, yeah, thanks for telling me now. There's a lot going on on each side in a moment like that, because if he is not doing his own work or he takes that personally, his ego is like, well, what do you mean? You know, like, that's your fault. That's a you problem. We went through some years of that, okay? And we didn't come out unscathed. Like, we. We went through our messy times. Really, really messy. But for him to be able to say, you know, thank you for letting me see you, that was all I needed to feel better about it. I realized I didn't need him to, like, go back and not buy that. I didn't need. I didn't need him to not do anything with that. Like, I just needed him to know I'm done hiding and for him to be able to see me. And I felt accepted in that moment, and then I just felt better, and it was not an issue anymore. So it's not that that happens every time, but more times than not, for me, it does. And for a lot of women, we just want. We just need to be seen and heard and known.

Thank you for sharing that example in context, because I know for myself and for a lot of, like, a spiritual woman, if something's bothering us about our partners, we'll do the work around it. To be like, oh, to feel better about it. Oh, don't let it bother me, or just let it slide or it's not worth it or whatever. The thing is, because it's. It's easier to do that than to communicate and risk the potential anger or even at the root of that abandonment. You know, I'm afraid that if I really speak my truth of how I feel, you're gonna leave me.

Yeah.

So let me tap it out, you know, because it's easier than that.

Let me meditate. Let me do my embodiment practices. Let me scream into my pillow. And all of that is still very, very much a part of my personal practice. But what really took us into this next place, this place of union together is, though, is the oneness. Like, there is no oneness without that communication. And it's very risky to me, that's.

The ultimate spiritual path. Because, yes, we can have relationship where it's like, you're you, I'm me. Your problems are yours, my problems are mine. We're just reflections of each other. So I'm not taking anything personally. And, like, I think that that's an important stage of the journey because before that, we're just projecting on each other. And you're the source of my anger, and you're the source of my happiness. So then we have to learn, okay, a lot of this, a huge percentage of it, 95% of it, probably.

It's a lot of us, probably is. Is us.

However, it's that, like, 5% that is just, like, interrelational, and it's needing to be heard. And it's like, yes, I could try to, you know, journal about this and I'll feel better about this, but I want you to see me in this because that's going to help you get to know me.

Yeah. And to make the journey a hell of a lot less lonely. Our biggest moments, our biggest catalysts in our relationship and our personal growth have been in those moments in relationship where it wasn't just me screaming in my closet or, like, wailing my eyes out, but also bringing that and letting it be seen and being like, here, this is me.

And that's how you get that, like, tender, vulnerable love that we so deeply want of. Like, I am hurt and, like, this is how I feel. And can you see me and hold me in all of this? And I feel that's what actually leads to eroticism.

Yes.

Because the guard is, like, let down.

Yeah. You can have your guard up and have that. And to that point, there are times where it's like, can you please see me and just hold me? And he has full permission to say, no. That's the fucking scariest. Because I'M like. Like, there have been times, I'm telling you, so many times I'm, like, raw and vulnerable and just, like, I feel like my soul is bleeding out of its eyeballs. I don't even know how that's possible, but it's so painful. It's physically painful. And I will bring that to him and say, like, can you please just be with me in this? But he's at his capacity, and he's trying to hold himself through that. And so in those moments, it's always still worth the risk. Because what I began to learn about myself is I can trust myself to make these requests and to let myself be seen and know that I'm going to be okay whether he can hold me in that or not. And when he can, like, amazing. Oh, my God, like, so much healing that happens in that.

So how do you then respond if you're, like, crying and you're like, you know, I really want you to hold me through this. And he's like, I'm sorry, I can't. I'm just at capacity. Like, how do you respond to that?

Well, I don't push it. There have been times where I am like, but can you just for. Can you just do this for a minute? Can you just at least, like, hold. Hold me. Hold my hands? And sometimes he can. He's like, okay, I'm not. Because he honors his truth. And I don't want a man who will just bend to my will either. I want someone who is firm in his truth. And he knows, like, this is a yes, and this is a no for me. And I love you so much. And because I love you so much, I'm going to tell you the truth. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you and be mommy's little boy, because he was that for many years. So I appreciate that he's not so a. I take that into account. I'm like, I fucking respect this man, that he's being honest, and I know that he loves me. I trust that he loves me. And sometimes when I make, like, a different kind of request and say, okay, well, can we do this? He might say yes. A lot of times he does to those. We just have to meet somewhere where we're both actually in that capacity. But when he says no and it's just no and, like, no cannot. Like, I'm just way too activated. I'm way too triggered. Like, I just cannot, like, cannot even be around you right now in those moments. It's like, okay, I'm gonna go Be with myself and just go deeper into feeling the fullness of my abandonment pain. That takes me back to being a 14 year old girl that lost her daddy. You know, like those are the things, those are the moments that you really heal and then you bring that and you bring your heart after we've had our own times to kind of recalibrate and regroup and clear the energy and come back and just let the other person see this is what I fell through. And throughout that whole time, things like inner child work and moving and working with the energy in your body. But beneath all of that is a fundamental trust that this storm is going to pass. Just because it feels all consuming right now doesn't mean that this is our relationship now. A lot of times we get caught up in those stories because they feel so dense and they feel so heavy. And I've made a promise to myself years ago when he was going through his disability and depression that I would not make a life altering, family altering decision in a moment like that. So many times that I wanted to, I was like, fuck this, fuck you. And I'm leaving and I'm taking all the kids. And one time I actually did and the next day I came back and I was like, you know what? This is not what my heart wants. And it's like constantly really checking in. Like what is fear driving me to do and what is love inviting me to do? What does my soul want? What does my ego want? And there are a lot of really deep inquiring moments in this journey.

What has helped me in the times that I have not been met by the masculine is to realize it's all divine.

Yes.

If he can meet me there, that's divine. If he can't meet me there, that's divine. It's my invitation to go further into myself.

Exactly.

And when you see it as it's always perfect.

Yes.

Then it doesn't matter if he didn't show up for you, that's exactly what you needed to. Maybe there was like a deeper level of that abandonment wound, a deeper level of unconditional love, a deeper level of even asserting your boundaries. And it's like every single situation is, is so unique. But I feel like sometimes we're like angry or upset, like he should have responded like this. And there's the human level of like. Yes, we're always working on ourselves and we can always shift how we show up in relationship. But I also feel like there's the soul level of like sometimes people need to not show up for us.

Yes.

So we can learn how to really show up for us.

Thank you for saying that. That's not a popular thought.

I've just been in it.

Yeah. You know, like when you've been in it, you know?

Yeah. And it's like, oh, I wish this person could show up for me and, and meet me and say the things that I want him to say and make me feel heard. And it's. But it's like, like he's just not able to. So I can't force someone to be able to do something that they're not. But where can it guide me? How can I speak those words to myself? How can I find those conclusions within myself? How can I see someone from. For exactly where they're at, you know, while also not thinking that, oh, well, now I just deserve this level? It's like, you can always ask for more. And I think that there is a decision in a relationship of like, do you want to be together or not? And it sounds like with your husband you've had many moments of that of like, do we actually want to keep doing this? And you know, you continue to lean back in. And then there are some people who are listening to this. It's like, maybe the relationship isn't serving your highest good. Maybe the lessons that you're meant to learn at this point can only be learned in each other's absence.

Yeah.

You know, and that doesn't mean forever, or it might. But I think that a lot of us, we desire these, you know, really communicative relationships where we're seen and we're heard and we're this. And it's like, I'm curious if you have any advice to know how much can we like work on a relationship and mold it to be this type of container? Because I know for you guys, it didn't start out that way versus knowing that just this relationship is no longer serving us.

I think there's just no clear cut answer for that. It's like your heart knows and sometimes what the heart is trying to tell you can be a really hard pill to swallow. The hard pill for me was, no, I know that you want to go, but don't. For other people, it may be, I know that you want to stay and try to make this work, but you got to go. And so there's not like a here's the prescription and here's how you know and here's the checklist. But you just have to be radically honest with yourself. And like, for us, I had this deep knowing, this deep sense of like, this is going to be some work. I'm committed. I'm gonna do this for myself because no matter what happens with us, this is gonna serve me. But again, that was just. That was my path.

So beautiful. And you know, it all comes back to being honest. And this journey for me has been marrying truth with love.

Yeah.

Like, because truth can be really harsh and blunt and be a knife if it's on its own, you know, of like, this is my truth. Take it or leave it or I'm out. You know, some of us really have that energy and some of us really struggle with that energy. And it's like finding your balance with it. And then love, which is, you know, the shadow side of love, can be like the empath, the people pleaser of like, love is everything. Love will save the day. Our. Our love will get through this and like, not looking at the communication, the shadows. But then, you know, the other side of that is what do we really want in life? You know, and it's like, we will always have ways that we won't be fully met by our partners too. You know, no relationship is perfect no matter how much work and things that we put into it. So knowing that bringing. I always. What I've been telling myself recently is like truth with a dollop of honey. So it's like speaking your truth without like that sharpness, but like bringing the love into it, especially with a partner, because they want what's best for you, you know, And. And again, sometimes what's best is not being together and sometimes what's best is leaning in. But yeah, like marry that throat chakra and that heart chakra and like letting them dance together has been. And I feel like that's really what like, sexual alchemy is, is like being heart open while also communicating our desires.

Yeah. Yeah. There has to be. And to me, really the truth, like the big truth with a big T and, and love with the big L. Like, they're, they're, they're inseparable. You cannot have truth without love. Like that real unconditional love, which is not all about niceness and people pleasing. One of the biggest things that I had to unlearn, I kind of went off the deep end for a while of like, this is my truth and fuck you and fuck you and fuck you and boundary, boundary, boundary. But again, it was, it was perfect. It was the perfect part of the process at that time. And so anyways, I know we have so many questions, but so many.

It's all related because we can't have the mind blowing orgasms without the deep inner communication. So I want to talk about some practicals right now for having a more erotic life. So one practice is the yoni egg. And I know you're a fan, I'm a fan. But everyone has a different way of using the eggs. Some say use it overnight, some say just use it for practice. So I'm curious what your take is.

Okay, so I've personally also been all over the board on this. The way that I use it now is only in an intentional practice. So if I'm going to use it, it's going to be five to 10 minutes. And I'm doing certain exercises in that practice and bringing awareness to the energy in that space while I'm using it. However, over the years, the most powerful practice for me, even, even more so than the yoni egg, this requires a little bit more. Like you can't just tuck it away and keep it there. But is a self pleasure practice. Working with a glass pleasure wand, especially because of the density and I like to like bless it with different kinds of intentions and things like that.

So you prefer glass over crystal literally.

Just because of the availability of different shapes.

Okay.

If the crystal, like let's say if we could have a rose quartz glass. A rose quartz wand in the shape of the one that I use in my daily practice. It's like a curved. Yeah. And it has this bulbous smooth end.

Okay.

So if I could get that in rose quartz, I would love that. But it's just usually you get like the cherub, like that, you know, standard shape and I like that extra oomph in the bulb at the end. But that has helped me to relax. Oh God. So much so, so, so much. So much spiritual, energetic, emotional, physical healing has come from my self pleasure practice. I don't even know where to begin. Like my mind is.

I want to talk about using orgasm as a form of healing.

Oh yes.

Because you know, years ago I would hear from friends like I cry, you know, after my orgasms. And to me I was like, why? Like I didn't get it then and now I'm like, oh, now I get it. You know, you can cry, you can laugh, you can just transmute so much. So how can we consciously use our orgasms for healing?

Yeah. So a lot of women, this is another thing that I've learned in the work that I do is a lot of women have a hard time reaching orgasm. And for them, for anyone listening or watching, who that applies to, just like with the sex we talked about at the beginning, removing the pressure to have an orgasm, removing the pressure to even do any penetration. So this whole experience of having the sacred space of a self pleasure ritual is a practice of deep, deep self acceptance. And whatever is there is what you bring to the table. That's you're just practicing being more present with what is instead of going through the motions or rushing through something to get a particular outcome. Now if you go at it with that approach, you're already in a more surrendered and open space. And you're going to have a very different experience in your pleasure and in your orgasm if it does go there. So when you get to that point of orgasm, there's so many different little micro things that you can do in that moment. You can envision like you're just whatever tension you're holding in your body or resistance or energy that you want to transmute, you can envision that being transformed visually into. My favorite thing was like a big exploding ball of gold glitter that turns rainbow. I like to work with the visuals. You can also imagine that certain, certain parts of your body, internally, your energy body are opening and releasing. You can draw the energy up throughout your entire body. But the biggest thing is that you give yourself permission to fully let go. That's what makes this practice so healing. A lot of women, when they cry after they have an orgasm, they realize like, oh, I've been holding in so much. And when I gave in, because orgasm is surrender, you cannot come without surrendering. And they realize that when they let themselves have that release, like, oh, I've been craving this so much. I've been craving surrender in my life. I've been holding on so tight. And then of course, there's all the feel good chemicals in the brain and everything. That's yummy. Yeah. A lot of women do cry when they first begin this practice. They realize that they have been rejecting themselves so much, a lot of feelings can come up. And also when those feelings come up, a really beautiful part of the practice is to not try to figure it out and say, oh, this is coming from this or that thing, you know, or this, this experience that I had. But just let it, let it be and give it space to be and just witness it and feel it. And maybe later on it'll become clear, you know, in retrospect, this was closing this thing up for you.

So a question that I have for you is, given that it is more challenging for women to orgasm and oftentimes they really have to concentrate or watch porn or something, how can they like remember these practices of like the bringing the energy to different parts of the body and this like, I feel like sometimes that then you're concentrating on that.

If it takes you away from the moment, don't do it.

Okay.

That's kind of an advanced. I think I would consider it a quote unquote advanced thing. The biggest thing is to focus on letting go. If you feel rushed, slow down, focus on letting that go. It's not even a focus, it's just an openness. If there's anything that you can envision in those moments, it's just your, wherever you're feeling like you're holding on, just, just breathe.

The holding on is so huge because it's like we, you know, when we're children and you start touching yourself for the first time, it's like you're afraid someone's going to hear you. So you're, you're as quiet as possible and you, you tense your body up. And you know, I do think it's, it's easier to have like a quick little orgasm when you tense your body up because it just like blows over. It's a smaller container. So how can we bring in more voice and breath when we feel maybe that like, shame around, like taking up space?

Yeah. So one very practical thing is just to let yourself make sound. A lot of women who've, who've taken the self pleasure course are like, but I'm in a place where people will hear me, you know, So I understand that can be a very real challenge if there's a way for them to either get to find a pocket of time where those people will not be around or there or maybe turn on some music. I actually blast my meditation music. That's my little trick. But like, everybody knows what I'm doing in the house. It's not a secret. So there's also that, like we were at this point where they're like, oh, this is a beautiful thing. It's just like mom's exercise or her meditation practice.

Let's get to the root of why are we ashamed of. Oh my God, Mom. Self pleasuring. How dare she. It's like, let mom do her thing and she's gonna be a lot nicer to all of you.

Yeah, the same thing. When we're. I know this is a maybe not kind of going off the rails on the parenting thing, but we don't hide that we have sex either. Like, it's, it's like, you know, we, we love each other. Yeah. Yeah. We're like, well, if you have questions, we'll answer them.

Like, isn't it funny how like I remember as a kid, like a teenager, you would be like, tell your friends, like, have you ever, like, heard your parents have sex?

And they're like, oh my God, like.

Once I like walked in, I saw my dad. She was so traumatizing. It's like, who decided that was traumatizing?

Yeah, it's the stories around it.

Yeah, like, you decided that this was a trauma. Like, it's sad if your parents aren't having sex anymore, which is the case for a lot of, a lot of that generation. So I think that's beautiful to just be like, yeah, you might hear mom make sounds. She's in her self pleasure practice.

And I make a lot of it sounds when I'm dancing too. When I'm doing yoga, I'm just like, ah, ah.

Like, that's how we're meant to be as humans. We've just like suffocated ourselves. That's why our jaws are so tight.

We just become so domesticated. And so, yeah, literally taking up space to do that, like sound space. And then also taking up time space. Like instead, even if I come in 30 seconds or three minutes, hey, I'm still taking these 20 minutes or however long, you know, I'm doing. And I'm just going to be with myself and I might come again, it might not. I might just like feel into pleasure in my body and just let myself feel more comfortable with feeling pleasure.

I love how you commit to the time period because I think a lot of us, after you come, it's like, okay, back to work.

Yeah, back to the thing.

And it's like, it could be a challenge for you. Like, okay, can I stay in the same place?

It challenged me a lot to stay in the experience because I used to not be able to receive stimulation after I had an orgasm.

Right? We're like, okay, done.

Yeah. And even just my body would begin to shut down. Like, it's too much. It's too much. And it's like, oh. I was also communicating to the universe at large that like, no, what I want is actually too much. Like, nope, nope, this is enough. It was always just enough, always just enough in every area of life. So when you're also in that space, when you do come and you continue to expand that pleasure, like you continue to feel the pleasure, you don't just stop if you can. Again, this is a building of capacity. But being present with the pleasure that's there and not just cutting it off because you've had enough because that all of that will translate into the rest of life.

It's so true. Because we've set such a low standard for female pleasure that we're like, oh, if you come once, oh, you're lucky you even came, you know. And it's like the type of orgasms that most of most women are having from sex are just clitoral. You know, you're not even getting to those deeper levels because it takes time, it takes opening, it takes softening and surrender. And we're in this like so much surrender, drive through sexual experience. And I feel like I've been very grateful for diving into my own self pleasure practice now being single because I'm taking a lot more like time and space for myself, exploring myself and I'm consciously building new neuropathways for pleasure.

Big thing.

Because if we're so used to like, okay, this is my move that I always know that's going to be your move. Right. And for a lot of us it's like however we just first started is like our lifelong thing that we know and that's it, Come and that's it. But instead I'm like, okay, let me try this thing that I normally never really been into, but let me try it. Because then your brain is showing you that you can receive pleasure in all these different ways. So do you have any tips on that and becoming more multi orgasmic?

Oh yeah. I mean for, for me, when I started my practice, I could only come through clitoral stimulation. And then I learned how to come in my G spot, in my A spot in my cervix, how to have full body energy orgasms, how to squirt. Like all these things I learned in my nipple orgasms, anal orgasms. Like all these things that was like, my body doesn't do that. I didn't know, I didn't know until I gave it a chance. The first time that I had an orgasm during sex, penetrative sex with Ryan, he felt so, he felt like the man. He was like, I did that with my dick. I was like, yes, teamwork, you know, like he knew that it wasn't just like, it's me opening up to my pleasure. So a lot of it is resensitizing these different parts internally that aren't used to being that we're not used to feeling. So again, working very slowly and patiently and consistently. That's why I love the pleasure wand. Because I can't quite do that. Yes. And I can work with different areas in there that were either uncomfortable or numb. Especially after four childbirths. I just, I don't know, I had this image in my mind of like, oh, my vagina is very somehow fragile and can't withstand this or that. I was very wrong. But yeah, really patiently practicing resensitizing these parts internally. And that does help create those new neural pathways in the brain. And also another thing is coupling something that you already feel intense pleasure through. So for example, the clitoris. So you can couple that with something new and practice with that for however long you want, however long you feel is right for you. And then that begins to associate, make this association in the brain of like, oh, this feels good in here too. That was kind of a gateway thing for me to internal orgasms. It wasn't just switching straight to penetration. We're tying in the ways that we already experience pleasure and then adding something new and consistently pairing those things together.

I love that I'm imagining those back massager machines and it's like we have all of these parts of ourselves that really haven't been touched. They need to be kneaded open and it's literally inside of us so you don't have access to it. So it's like yes, activating and releasing and we store trauma there and ancestral trauma as well and just so much that we hold on to in the yoni and the womb space. So I think that that's such an important practice to just sit with ourselves, feel with ourselves. Like, where do I feel numb, where do I feel tense, where do I feel sadness or whatever the thing is. And then as you need those parts of you open, you're needing open your heart, you know, and then you can what's on the other side of grief and sadness? It's always joy, it's always love, it's always pleasure. It's like they're hand in hand. So. And I feel that you can only get to those depths too in your self pleasure practice. Because unless you feel very, very comfortable or you're in the intention of like, this is like a healing sexual experience. Oftentimes you won't feel comfortable like grunting.

Or crying, especially not at first. It's like, this is new to me, I'm embarrassed in front of myself.

So it's like, so you can have a different sexual experience with a partner that's passionate or whatever, but then have those healing sexual experiences for yourself.

And I continue to have this every day with myself.

Love that.

Even through our best sex ever. Like it's, it keeps fueling that. It's not either or. In fact, he knows if I have skip a day or something and I tell him, he's like, oh, what happened?

Like your commitment to this? Yes, daily. This is my new norm. Do you know this morning I was thinking, I was like, I need to commit to a daily self pleasure practice. I was like, how am I gonna, you know, because you think, oh my God, how am I gonna like get myself to have that much time or.

The turnover or just how can I get myself to have an organism?

So end of your day in the beginning, how do you get this?

It depends. Depends. If it's a school day, I do the rest of my morning rituals before they get up and then we take everybody to school and then I do my sauna and my swimming and all that stuff and then I. And then I will do it before I get into work. But sometimes like on the weekends if things kind of get. We're getting up, we're having coffee first and then I'm getting into my self care rituals. So it's just a matter of when you do it consistently enough and it just becomes another thing that you do. It's like, yeah, I could skip my whatever mcts in my coffee this morning. But like I do it every day. Like why would I?

Yeah, you're just gonna have more of a gloat too. Yeah, that's why you're so magical.

It's just a part of my thing, you know? Yeah.

An orgasm a day at least keeps the who away. It keeps the bad vibes away, keeps.

The, I don't know, the, the self judgment away. Really.

Self judging away. Keeps the closed heart away. Yeah, I love that. Well, thank you so much for sharing. I could talk to you for hours. It's just, is such a, such a fun and juicy and needed conversation. I love like the merging of spirituality with sexuality and communication and consciousness and it's just there's so much. I feel like we're at such frontiers that I feel like the spiritual generation of like the 60s was very like disembodied and like sexuality is your lower self. And like our generation now, we're really here to be like, oh no, your body, your sexuality, it's all sacred, it's all intimate.

We're not trying to transcend it. We're. We're here for this too. And it's deeply sacred to it.

Yeah, so.

Exactly.

So where can listeners connect with you further?

They can connect with me on Instagram at Lucy Lampy L U c I and lucylampy.com.

Yay. Well, thank you again so much for being with us today.

Thank you so much.

I hope you enjoyed this episode and if you loved it, please leave a review for it on the iTunes store. It really helps get the episode out to more people so we can have better sex on planet Earth. And as a free gift, I will send you my womb meditation. So this is a quick little seven minute meditation that you can connect to your womb's wisdom and actually ask her answers for anything that you're really pondering on in your life. So head over to the iTunes store, leave a review, take a screenshot before you submit, and email it over to me at Sahara. I am SaharaRose.com and you can find that email in the show notes. I hope you love this episode and I'll see you in the next one. Namaste.

D.