505: Real Talk: What We Would've Done Differently On Our Spiritual Journeys with Rosie Acosta

That's really what shadow work is. It's to bring the shadows into the light. Not to stay there and then go hunting for other shadows and become the fucking shadow ghostbuster, but rather to look at the shadow, which often you don't even need to hunt for it. It's gonna show up in your life when it's ready. Because sometimes we're looking for things, we're actually not ready to go down those avenues yet. I see that happen too. And it's like, when that thing is ready to show up, something in your life is gonna happen. Take, take the full opportunity to dive in. But there comes a point, and I was just telling you that I reached that point, that it's like sometimes things can get overly processed. And it's like when you're eating a meal, you can over choose something too. And then it's like, okay, now you can look at it from every angle and see the conclusions and see the patterns and see the this and have a million names for it. But it's like, also, you at some point just have to let it go and live your life. And yeah, life has pain and suffering and there's also joy and beauty and it doesn't need to be so hard. And now on the other end of the shadow work portal, I'm like, more high vibe and energy and I'm just like, I just want to like, DJ and dance and like, have all of the fun because there's nothing in my consciousness I'm afraid of. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. I am so excited to have you here. My name is Sahara Rose and I love taking spirituality and making it modern, fun, grounded, relatable spirituality with a side of twerk. That's what I like to call it. And I'm bringing back a fan favorite, a personal favorite, my bestie who was on the podcast last month. We were talking about the science of attraction. And we basically live in a podcast. We're constantly voice noting back and forth and like, you know those friends that you just have such deep conversations with that like, you're like, this shit should be aired. That's like all of our conversations. I mean, we're going down rabbit holes of like human consciousness and like, is life suffering or is it a choice? And like big existential questions, but then like really fun stuff too. Like, I mean, you'll feel the vibe. We like to take these really big lofty concepts and apply them into, okay, how is this gonna make me a better human and have more of the things that I desire? So we were voice noting back and forth. And, you know, one of the things that I feel like our conversations keep coming back to, which is a huge universal question, is like, is life pain and suffering and how can we make it more joyful without spiritual bypassing? And like, this concept of shadow work. And this is such a huge in the collective. But when does it become too much? And we started talking about it, and to me, it really came back to what have we learned now in our spiritual journeys that we did not know about 10, 15 years ago. My spiritual journey really first began when I was 12 and I began practicing yoga, but then more so when I was 23 and I had my big spiritual awakening and was living in India. And she'll share more about her journey and of her awakening. But I feel like even in the past decade, we have grown so much as a conscious community and our understanding of these things and the ways that we apply them into our lives. We want to have this conversation like in a today's version of us, what we wish we would have known and what we would have done differently to see if any of these things can help you. Maybe you're just starting your spiritual journey or you've been in it for a while as well. Maybe there are little awarenesses that are helpful to have that, like, put together these different things that you may have learned about before that it's like, okay, now I can see how it comes together, and now I can see how this is actually going to apply into my life. So we're gonna go there. This is gonna be a fun episode. So let's wel Rosie back to the highest self podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. I feel like I've been here and I've not left since the last time.

As you should, Queen. So I'll just ask you this again. Make it snappy. What makes you your highest self?

What makes you your highest self? Okay, I. Right now, I think what makes me my highest self is just being in my sanctuary. I realize how important it is to be in a space where you could just allow yourself to unwind and just be who you are. You know, the type of work that we do requires us to have this public Persona. And one of the things that I've realized over the last 15 years that I've been doing this work, that I really value those moments in my time and in my space and life where I could just be myself and not have to worry. Not that I'm worried. You know, I feel like I do a really good job at being exactly who I am. But actually, I want to talk about this. This is part of that shadow work aspect that we've been talking about a lot.

Tell us your shadows.

I'm like, I'm just gonna tell everybody the things that I don't tell everybody.

But it's a safe space.

It is. It's fine. Nobody's listening, right?

Yeah. It's just a bunch of strangers. Don't worry about it. Keep telling us all your traumas.

I'm telling you all my traumas, all of my deepest, darkest secrets. Okay, you heard it here, exclusive. Make sure we put this on the reel. Yes, but that's what I'm grateful for. I'm grateful for the space to be able to just be myself.

So what's the question? What are we working with, honey?

Okay, so here's the thing, right? Like, this whole idea of shadow work, where does it come from? I mean, the definition was made popular by Carl Jung, right? With this idea of doing the work to uncover the unconscious parts of ourselves that directly impact our decision making. They impact our life. They are the parts of us that we don't show the world. They're the parts of us that for some, it's trauma, for some, it's something we're ashamed about, or there are just some aspects of our modus operandi that we don't bring light to. And so I love that. The idea of shadow work is summed up by a quote that he has that says, until we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life and we will call it fate.

So, yes, Carla Young, you got that.

This is why you're so creative. This is like the sort of textbook. And then it's like, okay, but how do we really do this? Like, how do we really do this work? And we see it all day long on social media, people doing shadow work, or they're in their portals or they're really trying to discover what. And I. And I'm into that. I get it, you know, I know that we all have to go through these cycles, initiations, cycles of awareness. That's what it is, right? That's what shadow work is. Our ability to do the work, to make the unconscious conscious. My issue is, at what point does it become too much, too much? Where it's just completely taken over your life, your being? And at what point do you find that balance between I'm doing the shadow work, but also, like, you need to live your life, right? I mean, here's the thing, too. We have this idea, this belief that life Is supposed to be this like joyride, right? When we make plans and we do things in our lives, careers, relationships, family, et cetera, we're just planning for the good stuff. But rarely. And when shit goes wrong, we're like, oh my God, what's happening? Like, something's wrong, I'm a failure, or I'm not enough, or there's some portion of the programming that has gone awry. But it's like that's just part of life, you know? So I'm curious what your take is on this and I want to dive into it. I've got some.

There it is.

This is the fucking talk of the century.

We've been living it. So, okay, where do we begin? I was for sure the type of Abraham Hicks listening. I'm just going to live in joy. If I focus on joy, that's going to become my reality. And I've seen so much trauma in my family, so I don't want to focus on that shit. I want to focus on creating the life that I want to create. So that was like my background and my like spiritual understanding. And it still is a big part of who I am. I am a joy priestess at my core. I'm here to make the world a more ecstatic place and DJ and dance and like, that's just part of me. And because I didn't choose the shadow work, the shadow work chose me. Now I'm wearing all black. Okay, no, but so for me, I would look at people who are like addicted to doing another plant medicine ceremony. I need another cup of ayahuasca. I need to do now this training and that training and that training. And I would like look at them and I would be like, there's such privilege in that, you know, because a lot of people can't choose to do shadow work, you know, go to anyone in Iran or in Mexico or most of the world. Do they have time, like, hey guys, like for the next couple days I'm just going to be like diving into my shadows. It's like, no, they're living it. They're actually escaping it from a daily basis that like, you know, when you're living in a war torn country like my parents escaped from, is like, you need to focus on what's positive for survival. So I think part of me was trained to be like that. A lot of immigrants, we didn't have the chance to be sad. We didn't have the opportunity to take a mental health day. Like my parents had to fucking work, you know, and that's how I grew up of just, like, you're blessed to be in the United States right now. And like, you're so. I'm just like. I would see these, like, people just being addicted to the shadow work. And it. To me, it felt like this escapism of like, I don't have enough problems in my life, so I need to go find problems to give myself a sense of self importance. And I'm like, what a privilege is that? Bless it. I believe in Maslow's hierarchy that, yeah, you don't have to worry about survival. You even have your needs met, you even have some luxuries met that you get to reach self actualization. But how is this permeating into the world? I would see a lot of spiritual communities like in Bali and in Tulum and in Thailand, that it's just spiritual people doing all this shadow work and all this healing, but they're only teaching each other, and it's never actually going to the people that it's meant to serve. And it's like, so what's really the point of this? You say, oh, I'm here, changing consciousness, but you're not actually talking to anyone outside of your bubble. So I would say I came from this kind of. That was like the main perspective that I held. However, through my divorce, I had no choice to go to another perspective, which was, okay, what were the things that I wasn't seeing? And you can focus on the joy and get by, but it doesn't mean the darkness is not lurking around the corner. And that was something that I was unaware of. Like, I thought, if I just focus on what's good, only good will show up. And that's not the truth. I want it to be, but it's not the truth. So for me, I had to go into, how is my childhood related to this? How's my ancestral lineage related to this? How is my childhood related to my dad's childhood, related to my grandma's childhood, related to my grandpa's childhood and all the traumas that are passed down and how also it's all divine because it brought me here in this moment with this awareness that I have today. And I would say the past six months of my life have been predominantly me doing shadow work, you know, And I'm so grateful for it because I wouldn't have the amount of light that I have right now without going into the darkness. Was it a privilege that I got to do therapy and somatic healing and all of these things? Yes, 100% it was a privilege. Most people Lose their husbands in war and have to like provide for their kids the next day. And, and just because it's a privilege doesn't make it wrong, doesn't make us feel like we should be wrongful.

It doesn't make it any less important. It doesn't make it any less worthy of attention, compassion and care.

And it actually is healing your family. Because now the awarenesses that I'm having now of different patterns that have been passed along through my family, I'm sharing them with my family members which triggers some of them and awakens others. And it's all divine. So I would say that shadow work, if you have the capacity to do it, will change your life more than anything else. And it's gonna happen regardless. So you either choose to go into it and you choose to sweep what is going on in your attic, or you can let that shit linger, linger, linger until there's fucking bats everywhere. And then you're gonna be like, well, I was just focusing on the view outside rather than what was happening in your own home.

Yeah, it's like everything else, right. I see people in that same state that you're talking about in these communities where they're just working with each other and they're not expanding or proliferating what they're learning to others, which to me, I think this is where I get very cynical in that spiritual wellness community realm is because I see, okay, this is very important work that people are doing that they're talking about. But are they actually integrating the lessons? You know, are they actually integrating what is happening? Are they integrating these realizations that they're having the unconscious coming conscious? Are they actually able to integrating and.

Being of service with it?

Exactly. You know, being able to share that message with others. You know, there's a fine line between I'm doing shadow work and I'm being selfish. Right. I'm just thinking about myself. I mean, think about somebody that's innately self serving. You give them an opportunity to go do some shadow work, they're just going to perpetuate more of that self serving nature. Right? So how do we learn that discernment? And this is why I love all of these. And I'll get back to the point of what brought us to this conversation. But you know, you talked about in the intro about your journey to awakening, like what brought you here. And I think for a lot of us, these contemplative practices like mindfulness meditation, yoga, any type of spiritual work, it allows us to contemplate, to actually inquire within. That's the whole purpose, that's what we're doing. But it's not just a matter of looking in and doing the work of going into those depths and going into the portals. You actually have to come out at some point and do the work of integrating and changing. Like that's the catalyst there. What are you doing in your life with the information that you're being given? Are you hoarding it and just continuing to do more of that hoarding of information? Or are you actually out there talking about this to people? You know, one of the benefits of doing this type of work and what you do so well is that you're going through these challenges in your life. You're going through this very deep self healing, transformative experience, but you are sharing and reciprocating it. You're doing this podcast, you're writing, you're talking to people, you're learning other people's experiences, you're being with, right? It's the basis of compassion is to be with. That is the definition of compassion. And I think this is one of the things that also gets overlooked, the idea of compassion. How do we then do this shadow work and practice not only compassion of the self, but compassion for other people? It has made you so much more. You were already an empathetic person, but it's made you so much more empathetic, right? I mean, it's completely changed your worldview. And I think that this is really the way to do shadow work properly, to be able to reflect and to see. I don't know that you've shared a lot of the stuff that you and I talk about, but I mean, you've really shifted your worldview. I mean, you've turned your belief system completely upside down. And I think that that's what we need to do sometimes when we're face with adversities like this, you know? But I think it's the balance, right? The balancing act of how much is too much. And at what point are we done? This was one of the other questions.

What point are we done? And also like, are we actually doing shadow work? Cause a lot of people think they're doing shadow work, but they're not fucking doing shadow work.

Oh, we're going there.

We're gonna go in there.

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

But a lot of people think shadow work is. I'm just gonna write about all the things that I'm sad and angry about and I don't have and I'm gonna vent and I'm gonna create all these boundaries now. Around me and have all these rules of how you're gonna talk to me, because I know myself, and this is who I am. And if you can't fit this criteria of what I want, then you're out of my life. And, like, they think that that's what shadow work is. And then, yeah, the thing about shadows is they don't end. You could spend the rest of your life finding more and more shadows, and you will find them, and we're never going to get to the bottom of. You know, I had a friend of mine, and she sits on the medicine. She was like, by my 25th cup, I was healing my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great great grandmother's trauma. And it's just like, she's just like, who the fuck are. You know, like, it's like, what. What point does it. What does it end? So I came to this awareness in myself because, you know, after my divorce, I was like, I'm going to go in. Like, I am going to use this as, like, the ultimate soil for my transformation and growth. I'm going to be open to any healing experience possible, look at anything that I might not have wanted to look at, and literally make this my life. And I did that in Egypt and Bali and Dubai and then, like, many, many tools and modalities, Most recently sitting with grandmother ayahuasca, which was something that I always had fear around doing because, truthfully, I was afraid of what I would see, you know, And I think a lot of people in this, like, more manifestation and Abraham Hicks space, they're afraid of shadow work because they're afraid of what's actually gonna show up. So for me, and that was the ultimate of any kind of shadow work, because when you're under any form of plant medicine, but especially an energy like ayahuasca that's like a grandmother and will put you in your place. I mean, you saw it, like, she will tell you as it is without sugarcoating it, sometimes with love, but not really. And it'll lead you into portals. And then it's like. So I was like, oh, wow. Like, some of these portals, you have no choice. I mean, I was pretty much in an ayahuasca ceremony for four days after. And because it continued to teach me lessons and continued to teach me lessons, I was, like, taken to my knees with the awe of the wisdom that these plants have of how, like, the fact that we can remember any memory in our entire lives, they're always available for us. We just don't have the Neural pathway for it. I'm remembering things I've never, never thought about before. And some of these things are dark and they're heavy. And some of these things, I don't know if they're even real or not. And like, that's actual shadow work when you're actually doing shadow work. Like, while I was in it, I was like, oh, I could totally see how someone could get depressed, you know, doing a lot of shadow work. And in one of my days I was like, oh my God, this is actually what it feels like to be depressed. I've never felt like this before because it's like you're seeing all these shadows and all this trauma in your whole family and you're just like, like, what do we do with this now? And then the final night of my ceremony, it showed me the beauty of it all and how it's all connected and how all of our traumas are what became our gifts, should we choose that path? And it's like, so yeah, you could go back and try to re parent and reheal your parents and grandparents and grandparents, but it's like, had that not all happened as it was, you wouldn't be here right now. And I think that's really what shadow work is. It's to bring the shadows into the light. Not to stay there and then go hunting for other shadows and become the fucking shadow ghostbuster, but rather to look at the shadow, which often you don't even need to hunt for it. It's gonna show up in your life when it's ready. Because sometimes we're looking for things, we're actually not ready to go down those avenues yet. I see that happen too. And it's like, when that thing is ready to show up, something in your life is gonna happen. Take the full opportunity to dive in. But there comes a point, and I was just telling you that I reached that point, that it's like sometimes things can get overly processed. And it's like when you're eating a meal, you can over chew something too. And then it's like, okay, now you can look at it from every angle and see the conclusions and see the patterns and see the this and have a million names for it. But it's like also you at some point just have to let it go and live your life. And yeah, life has pain and suffering and there's also joy and beauty and it doesn't need to be so hard. And now on the other end of the shadow work portal, I'm like, more high vibe and Energy. And I'm just like, I just want to, like, DJ and dance and like, have all of the fun because there's nothing in my consciousness I'm afraid of. And that, to me, is what shadow work is about.

Yeah. Why do you think now? And obviously for me, as a friend of yours, I can see it as a direct result of what you've gone through. But why do you feel like you're able to be more fully who you are now as opposed to before?

So I'm super excited to be sharing our Certified Embodiment Coach certification. So this is for you to dive deeper into your own embodiment journey or to actually create a career for yourself as a certified Embodiment coach. So it is a three month long program. I'm running it live. So I will be on the Q and A calls with you every single week. We're taking a really small group this time because you're our first batch of this. So we're gonna be really in the webs together. And honestly, this summer is gonna go by regardless. So you can choose to commit just two hours a week to creating a new career for yourself and diving deeper into your body's wisdom and actually getting to the root cause of your ailments, or you can let the summer pass by and scroll through Instagram and be exactly where you are in September with the same things and the same patterns showing up. So to learn more about it and to check out a free embodiment practice with me, head over to the show notes or highestselfinstitute.com you can find the information there. Enrollment is open right now this month early. We hit the ground running in July. And if you're listening to this later on, be sure to head over to HighestSelfInstitute.com you can find that link in the Show Notes to get on the wait list for when we open up again. I'm super excited to dance, breathe, and just embody our fullest expressions together. And I can't wait to have you with me on this journey. Well, that's the beauty of shadow work, that when you can experience deeper levels of your own pain and suffering, on the other side, you have deeper levels of your love and your joy. Before this, would I be like, I'm a love devotee? No, I wouldn't have said that. Now I'm like writing poems on love all the time. I love love. I'm like, rosie, tell me a love story. I love love. And it's like. Because I've experienced what it's like to lose that. You know, that it makes you realize the importance of these things. So I believe that what shadow work can help us do is to have more range.

Yeah.

So when you have more range, you're more versatile, you have more spectrum. That I can be with you and crying and then be with you and la. Because I'm more alive. And I feel that's the beauty of what shadow work provides us with. It's the richness and aliveness, which is ultimately why we're here on this planet.

Yeah. It gives you more of a capacity to be who you are and also accept others as they are because it gives you that different perspective. It shines that light into not only your hidden areas, but also potentially having the compassion to see somebody else's work.

But I think you need to be ready for it. I don't think you can rush the process, because if you don't have the tools and the foundation, and then you step into an ayahuasca ceremony that could drive you.

This whole ayahuasca thing, like, everybody's on this whole thing now, but how does. To me, as an outsider, obviously I say that because I've never done plant medicine before, but I'm obviously very familiar with it. Like, some of my family members have done it, and it's, you know, like, very traditional in my grandmother's culture to do it. But I have just these different sort of. I think it's great. I really do. And obviously, I've had my own experience with it. I've not done it myself.

She just channeled its energy.

I'll leave it at that. But I think sometimes what I see is the curiosity is enough for somebody to go do this. And the way that I was raised is there has to be an initiation before that happens. Meaning it's medicine. You take medicine when. When you're sick, when you're unwell, you don't just take it because you're curious. And everybody on Instagram's posting about it and going to these retreats and, you know, having these, you know, like, ayahuasca healing, ancestral, all inclusive. You know, I'm not trying to, like, bash it or anything. I'm genuinely just concerned at times with the level of, I don't know, kind of like a casual nature of how sometimes people talk about it. And not recently, one of my students was just telling me that, yeah, they were, like, in some apartment out here in Hollywood just doing ayahuasca, you know, for the last couple of weekends. And I was like, oh, two weekends. And she's like, no, we've been doing it every weekend since the beginning of the year. That's a lot of weekends and not.

Enough integration that you're not actually learning from it.

Exactly. Because how are you doing every weekend and not giving yourself that moment of. You've literally been on this medicine for months. Like, what does that do?

I 100% held your exact perspective until my ceremony. And now I can see why. Not that someone would want. I don't know why the fuck you would want to do it every weekend. Something not how I want to.

Sounds to me kind of terrifying. A little bit.

Your first ceremony will. Because it's everything you've ever held onto in your consciousness all coming to surface at once. And I'm someone who's committed to my healing path for my whole life, but especially the past decade. So I've done a lot of coaching and therapy and hypnotherapists and past life regressions and the list goes on.

And.

And it was still so much for me that I can't imagine not doing personal development.

Yeah, but you had the foundation.

Exactly. So I would not suggest it as a first experience for anyone. I would say, like, when you feel like you know yourself so well that it's like. Like for me, before the ceremony, I was like, I'm genuinely so curious what could come up, because I've done so much shadow work that I'm like, I don't even know what. Like, could there be anything I'm still not seeing? And there was, you know, So I would say to really pay it the respect that it deserves. Do your healing work on this level, because your problems have been created here on this level. You don't need to sometimes go talk to your ancestors. Sometimes you just need to talk to your parent who's alive. You know, there's a lot of work that we can do right here that sometimes we wanna, like, see some sacred geometry. But it's actually about like the sacred geometry is. It's almost like that just opens up the portal and then it's gonna show you all of the darkness and all the things that you've suppressed within you. That being said, I understand why when someone sits with the medicine, it's like the things that you do feels like it was just scratching the surface compared to what you see.

I see. Yeah.

Because when you're, for example, let's say when I did EMDR or something, I'm telling them my side of the story, but it's just based on what I'm telling them, it's not the whole perspective. It's not the whole picture. But when you sit with the plant medicine, it brings up all of these perspectives that only you know. But it's also coming from something greater than you that I learned information about, like my grandfather that no one told me about, that I could have told. One story about my grandma was in a forced child marriage with my grandfather, and it was so hard for her, and she cried, and she told me she was raped. And, you know, and then you're gonna be like, wow, that's so sad. And now this is my story. But, for example, just on that story, what the medicine taught me was, at that time, my grandma's father wanted the best husband possible for her. So he chose the man that he really respected and who my grandfather. And at the time, all marriages were arranged. There was no such thing as a love marriage. And he, for what was happening in Iran, treated her very well. So it's like, now here's this whole perspective that for 32 years, I never knew about because my grandfather was never alive when I was here. And now, instead of this, like, I have the most traumatic female lineage, it's my grandma's father loved her so much that he wanted her to marry someone that he deeply knew and deeply trusted, rather than he sold her off to his business partner. Do you see how those two ways that I just told myself that completely changed my understanding of myself and my family and my relationships and everything else, that something that can be looked as traumatic can also be looked at such a blessing. And had that not happened, my dad wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be here, and it just made me so grateful for it. All that being said, don't start there, but. But it's something that I know it will be part of my life for forever after having this experience.

Yeah. Because it changes your perspective and it changes your relationship to your family, too. Right. It creates a awareness, a different opportunity for you to be aware. And so, again, I'm not knocking the medicine. I deeply believe in its efficacy. My concern is just the same thing that we. Yeah.

Overuse of the commercialization. Yes. And that's all there.

So. But I think that's with everything, too, you know?

Yeah. I mean, we just did a podcast on, like, social media and its pros and cons, and it's like, when there's something that we're so excited about, we just want to share it, and that's coming from a really healthy place, and then you want to do it as you're living. So you need to make money doing it. So it's not free. But back in the day it was because shamans were provided for by the community. So it's like, so we could look at it from the commercialization marketing lens or we could look at it as. There are some people who deeply believe in this medicine path, and it's probably the gnarliest field you could potentially work with with people's trauma and purging and they need to make a living off of it. It's just how do we look at it?

Yeah. It's all perspective. Right. It's both perspectives. It's having the balance of both. I'm curious too, like in your. I love that this is your podcast and I'm asking you questions.

I'm like, so what are your regrets on your spiritual journey? Come on.

Well, look, mine, we talked about this and I think it's interesting because I feel like again, in the beginning you were talking about our spiritual journey, where it's taken us, where we started from.

Yeah. And can you share a little bit about the catalyst of yours?

Yeah. So I think for me, I had a spiritual awakening when I was really young. I was a teenager. I was going through it. I had just been arrested, I was on probation. I was just, just completely lost. And I went into this world of spirituality because it felt like home for me. I was not used to being in my body. A lot of my experiences were feeling disembodied because of, you know, living through drive by shootings and having just being in an environment that was very traumatic. I mean, there was, was a lot of sirens all the time. There was a lot of violence. Like there was a lot of that childhood trauma, fight or flight. And so I was not comfortable in my own skin. I wasn't comfortable in my sanctuary, in my temple, the temple of my body. And so when I first started meditating, it was my first experience of feeling safe. I'd never felt safe. I didn't know what safety was like. I didn't understand what that felt like. And to me in that moment, even though I was still sort of scanning my environment, because that's just kind of an innate thing when you grow up in an environment like I did, you know, I think you sort of lose that ability to just relax. But when I started practicing meditation and I started to learn about mindfulness and I started to practice yoga, all practices that are intrinsic, they're all internal, they're contemplative, I'm required to go inside, I'm required To create a space of safety within myself, which is kind of hard to do for most people. You know, I was really grateful that I was able to sort of come to it in a very organic way. And it felt very comfortable for me. And so for me, that was the basis of how I started to function in the world. Because I knew that even though I couldn't control the external environment, my internal environment was something that I could. And not to say that I can control my thoughts, but I was able to learn that even if it was in brief moments, I could feel some peace. Whether it was the subtle suspension of my breath between every breath I would take, or just this specific moment in time, whether I was doing something or working or I was at the library, or if I was, you know, doing some random mundane task, I would stop and feel those moments. And that, to me is where I started to really uncover what spirituality meant for me. Because to me, that was God. That was the ultimate. It was like, okay, that is the quote that people say, right? Prayer is us talking to God and meditating is us listening. And I'm a really good listener. So for me, it was that moment that I could just be in a state of non doing. And that to me was the ultimate spiritual path. It's like, how could I take this now, this experience, this feeling of peace, even though it was fleeting? How can I take this and teach it to people like the people I grew up with, like my cousins, like my aunts, you know, immigrant families that are coming from war torn countries, that are coming from this inability of having the privilege of being safe within themselves. Their basic needs are not met. You can't take somebody who is worried about feeding their child through a spiritual journey. They're not doing any shadow work. They're worried about feeding their child. So for me, it was, that became my mission. I wanted to figure out a way to teach people how to do that. And it was either in the beginning it's like, oh, I could do it through teaching them about food and treating their temple right? And it's like, okay, that wasn't working so well. So it's like, okay, now I can let me teach them by teaching them yoga movement, you know, so it's like, okay, that works. But it's missing some, there's a component missing. And then it's like, okay, so maybe teaching them how to eat right and how to move their body, but now to teach them how to be with themselves. And that was the ultimate. That was the ultimate for me. And so it was the ultimate for me, because even at that moment, I had a hard time doing it. Even at this moment. Now, right? Fast forward to where we are now. My journey has gone all over the place, and anytime I would get to them. And this is where I can loop back around to your question. Any moment, I felt like, oh, yeah, I'm good. I figured it out. I'm good. Everything's great. I'm happy. I have a great relationship. Everything is amazing. I love my dogs. Like, my friends are fucking amazing. I have a great life. Then it's like, boom. No, there's still things that you have to deal with. And, yes, the universe has a really hilarious way of making that happen. Right. And I think for us types that like to go on these journeys, I've always been inquisitive. I've always been curious. I love people. I love working with people. I love helping people. I love being able to guide people, especially through this journey. And now that I do, you know, I'm teaching at Headspace. I've been doing more mindfulness work. It's really taught me that the more I know, the less I know. Right. It just is so humbling. And I think the question you asked is like, yeah, your spiritual journey, where it took you, where you are, and. And, like, have there been any disappointments along the way?

Or is there, like, anything you wish you could have done differently or something, you know, now that might have expedited your path of healing?

I don't know that I get down with that. You know, I don't think like that. You know, it's sort of this idea of hindsight's always 20 20. Any one of us can look in the past and say, if only I would have done as, or if only I would have said Y, then this wouldn't have happened, or this wouldn't have been as painful or. Our desire to try and change the past is only a desire to rid ourselves of the uncertainty. And ultimately, that's what this work is, is we're trying to be more comfortable with discomfort, and we're trying to rid ourselves from the uncertainty that is certain. That's the only thing we know, is that we will be in uncertainty for the rest of our lives. Like, this is what we know is true. So I don't know that I can look back and think anything that would have expedited this path for me. I'm really grateful that everything's happened in the way it has. I think that we can all look back and lament over shit that we didn't see or ways that we could have responded differently. But I'm.

I'm.

I don't know. I'm still learning, you know, And I've been doing this for 20 years, more than 20 years. It's really constantly changing and. And there's fun stuff all the time.

Yeah. I mean, everything brought us to now. But I would say, like, if I had the awareness that I have today, there are a number of things I would do differently. Like I was an information junkie.

Yeah. Still am.

I'm like, you were, but I. But now it's like, I really. Unless I really wanna read that book, will I read that book? Unless I really wanna listen to that podcast, will I read the podcast? Whereas before, I couldn't be alone with myself, so I needed to constantly feel like I was reading something, learning something, absorbing something to get to this place that I didn't even know where it was.

Yeah. Like, did you feel like you needed to constantly fill that space?

I wanted to make the most of time. Okay. So, you know, I lived in India alone for two years, so I would just be eating dinner by myself. So I would put on a YouTube video, and then I would be like, listening to Osho talk and like all these amazing people. So it many ways open up my consciousness. But let's say Osho said the most amazing thing. I loved what he just said. And then the moment it's done, I just go into the Muji video and then I just go into the next one and the next one and the next one that I'm not actually, like, receiving anything. I'm just waiting for that next hit, you know? So I felt like if I. She's still laughing at me. Thank you.

Appreciate it.

But I felt like. Like there was, like, something I needed to know to be happy. And it's just because I just don't know the thing. That's why I just still feel this, like, underlying anxiety that I think is part of the human experience, you know, which Alan Watts talks a lot about. I would say the very teachers I was also the most resistant to were actually the medicine that I needed. Like an Alan Watts or Osho's always like, my OGO is. It's like I really resonate with that path. That's the path for me, which is like the dancing and the pleasure and the tantra and the dynamicism and the sensuality. That's where I feel at home. But what I've needed to learn is the uncertainty and that you never know. And the mind can try to grip for Control. Like, I hated this word surrender.

Do you remember how much we talked about this?

I hated the word surrender.

We had a whole thing about it and it still traumatized me to this day.

Yeah. But now it's like, become my sacred word. Because it's actually what I'm really needing to be a student of trust and surrender, which were before I was like, how can people surrender? Then? They're not gonna create the realities that they wanna create. But now I'm like, that reality is being created regardless of what you try to control. It's like you can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather. And ultimately only God knows. I would say before, I was very afraid of the word God, whereas now I'm just like, God is my ride or die. I love God, but I was afraid. I love God, guys love God. But before I was afraid, that was like a super Christian thing, and I'm not Christian, so I never used that word. So I feel like I also had almost like a need to, like, pull cards or ask friends things. Oh, yes, that was a huge thing. A portal that I went into of, like, my friend who pulls tarot cards. I kept asking him, like, pull this, pull that. And I was, like, needing to get this thing from outside of me or, like, looking for the sign of, like, it was 1111. So that must have been the thing. So I feel like as I've evolved, it's way less, you know, it's far more minimal. It's far more of my intuitive knowing and it's less focused on, let me imagine what I want. I still, like, tuning into my desires and whatnot, but I spent a lot more time into feeling what I don't want. And that has actually been my greatest catalyst.

Wow, that's big, though. That's really big. How's it been for you to not have that hit of the external?

Well, because I thought I had my whole life planned, and it didn't go that way. So I realized that that fucking vision board did not come true. But there were other things on my vision board that I was not like, okay, yesterday I had this realization that in college, everyone called me DJ Sars. That was my nickname. It was just my name. And I had this whole thing. I was, like, prepared to get infected. It's about to be sick. Put your. Putcha. Put your masks on. Like, I had this whole. This whole thing. This is way before COVID guys.

So I, like, fucking forget that shit too.

Just saying. And I was just thinking that because I was, like, looking at, like, old photos of myself, and I was like, I would assign them all DJ stars, and it's like, here I am over 10 years later, and I manifested that. But it was never on my vision board. It was a subconscious thing, you know, and so many. It's like Deepak Chopra was the biggest role model to me since I was, like, 12 years old. And then him writing the forwards of my book. So it's like, I deeply believe in manifestation. And I don't think it's like, okay, I'm gonna sit down and put my vision board, and these are the things that are gonna come true, guys.

Cause I put it on my mental. But the thing that you do is the manifest. We've talked about this before. Manifestation. Action is part of that equation. It has to be manifestation. And, you know, you can manifest. And. And that's the thing. You took action. There was oppo. You were presented with opportunities.

But I don't even believe in that anymore. People used to say, luck is opportunity means preparation. The things that I have encountered in my life, I could have never prepared for, and they were not even things that I would have predicted.

I wonder if maybe in a year you'll feel different.

I would say that there are so many forces at play that we are unconscious about. You know, our karma, our past lives, our ancestral trauma that we think we're controlling, but we're only operating from, like, 10% of the 90%. And it's the 90% from which we are manifesting. But if we don't know what that 90% is, which is where the shadow work comes in, we're gonna be wondering, why am I seeing the affirmations and I am not rich and successful and abundant? Well, it's because of everything else that you've been holding onto.

Right, right. Yeah, I can get on with that. Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, we agree.

We agree. We agree. Yeah, I like that. And I also like the idea of being able to. Yeah. Just be open to the reality that we don't know. We don't know what we don't know.

But do you think we often talk about, like, the Buddhist verse, like, Tantra, Tantric perspectives? So, like, the Buddhist perspective would be like, pain and suffering are inevitable, and try to make the best of it. Like, try to come to a place of neutrality and have compassion for it. Whereas the Tantric approach would be, if you go into your pain, you will actually find your greatest pleasure, and it's all interconnected, and it's not about neutralizing it, but it's actually like polarizing it. I'm curious your take?

Yeah, I don't know necessarily, because I've studied both and I am a fan of both. I think the older I get, the more in the Buddhist mindset I become. I think I like the idea of non attachment and I think ultimately it's not necessarily about neutrality. I think it's more of the unattachment. Right. But I also am a modern believer of the world. And we have things, we acquire things. I mean, things aren't everything, but it's part of our human nature to desire to have our ideas come to fruition. And whether that means writing a book, creating a podcast, teaching in front of people, getting on a stage, writing, you know, making music. All of those desires, I think help drive us to finding more of. Of our purpose, right? They help us in propelling our joy and happiness. Because when we are in the state of creation, we are content, we're happy, we're in a state of joy. And it provides the fertile ground for us to be more compassionate to others, more compassionate to ourselves. So I like that idea more. I think if I get stuck in the idea of karma for more myself, I start to really. You know, I was raised Catholic, so I'm like innately guilty, right? Like everything I do is literally a sin. So I really grapple with that idea of it doesn't matter what I do. What's coming to me is going to come to me regardless, right? It takes the control out of somebody who was raised with no control, right? And I'm a control freak by nature, obviously. That is my part of my shadow side. Like we're really wanting to go there. Like that is part of my.

Yeah, tell us all your shadows. Okay, control freak. What else?

No, but that's. But that comes from having a childhood where I had no control and no organization and chaos and uncertainty. And so now what do I like? I like consistency. I like a schedule. I like a routine. Give a girl her routine and she's happy. That's all I want. But it's not the routine, it's the predictability that I want. Oh. Because there's no change here. So I'm comfortable, right? But now what happens when somebody fucks that up? What happens when a wrench is cut a bitch. Yeah, that's right. You know, it's like, don't forget where I'm from, I deal with the shadow. I deal with the shadow, but initially I do want to cut it, you know, but that's the truth, you know, that is part of going back to the idea that you were talking about this more sort of unattached state. You know, it's like the story of the Buddha when the Buddha comes out and is this luminous being. A monk sees him and goes up to him and says, oh, holy one, are you a God? And the Buddha says, no, not a God. And the monk is confused and says, are you a deva? And the Buddha says, no, not a deva. And the monk says, what are you then? Are you Brahman himself? And he says, no. And the monk says. The monk is just completely confused and says, then what are you, illumined one? And the Buddha says, I am awake. And so that, to me, is the premise to how we see the world, how we see ourselves is what we've talked about in the past. It's like we're just in the process. The journey is the destination, and the destination is the journey. This is part of what all this work is. It's just.

Just.

We're trying to just get from one point to the next. It's not A, B, C to get to D. It's, I'm just here now to get to there, and now tomorrow I'm going to go from there to here and then from here to here. And we do it in hopes that we can become more fulfilled within ourselves with all this work that we're doing. The idea is to be. This is where the Buddhist centric nature of. Of what I feel resonates with me is to be in stillness, to be able to sit and to be alone in that. You know, we've talked about this before. Like, I love going on a retreat where I don't talk to anybody or see anybody and just completely just like, hell, yeah.

I would just be like, find a way to start with.

I know. Can you imagine? And she's trying to go on a silent retreat with me. Like, we would never be able to do that. That. That would be.

I'm an extremist. So, like, medicine was like, you need to learn to be alone. I was like, books a flight to Bhutan. Let's do it up. We're doing silence.

Big. Oh, my God.

But that's. Yeah. And it's so interesting because I feel like you really embody that, like Shiva. And my path has been majorly shakti of like, it was through the dance and through feeling and through having conversations and this. But it's brought me into what I need more of now is that. That stillness and just, like, letting it be. And, like, you can do a lot of healing. Work and get super far. But then you just have to accept.

Yes, there's a point where you just have to. You sent me a voice note a couple of days ago. I feel like maybe it was last week where you said, I'm kind of done. That was, my fajitas are here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you kind of just. You came to this resignation of this exhale. It felt like. And you were just like, okay, like, I'm good for now. That's what you said. You said, I'm good for now. This is where I'm at, and I'm good, and you are. And this is the state that you're in now. But it took all of that jarring to get you to this place, but you're able to recognize it. Like, you have that mental acuity to discern that, you know, And I think that that's what I. I hope that most of us aim to have is the discernment to know. Right.

I keep seeing the visual of, like, Ida and Pingala, the two serpents that go up the spine, which is like the yin and the yang, the masculine, the feminine, the light and the shadow. And it's like. It's what you always say, the middle path. It's both. And. And it's like, I could have easily just been like, you know what? I'm just not gonna think about this situation in my life and, like, get back on the dating apps, bitches, and, like, you know, recreate the same traumas again and again and again, which is what a lot of people do. Or I could have spent the rest of my life healing and analyzing forever. And a lot of people do that and are like, I hate men and I this and I that. And it's like, that's not what I want to do either. So it's like, go into the shadows and then come back up for air and be like, wow, I'm a human and there's so much to be grateful for. And then you can bring more joy and pleasure into the shadows, which is what my path really has been about of, like, it's not a one or the other. It's the. How can I, when I'm feeling sad, when I'm feeling anxious, bring more nourishment to my body, dance my way through it. Laugh my. Just laugh at the cosmic comedy that is. That is all life. And then it doesn't feel so, like, dark. And then you don't need to resist it anymore. Like, for me, when I'm in the car, I'm, like, singing and Stuff. And then maybe I'll just like make my like sounds. And then like, you know. Cause I'm in a car, the. And the collie brat, all of that. But so then it's like, I'm not afraid of feeling. And then it's like. Then the mic. Then you notice when you're feeling a micro anxiety and you just feel it, release it. You're back to feeling. And then your goods become better and better and better. Like, what did I tell you? We went to the gym the other day. I was like, I've never felt so good in my entire life. Like, I've never been as happy as I am right now in this moment. And that's because, again, I'm not afraid of feeling the suckier emotions.

Yeah, yeah. And your aura was like, emanating down the block.

My aura was on and popping. It was all down the block. They were like, whose aura is that? I had to tame it back in.

No, don't tame it in. That's whole. That's part of the process. It's like you have to be able to.

But here's the other side of healing, is sometimes you have these healing experiences. Your heart is so open that it's not safe to be like that in the world.

Yeah. I think that's a whole separate podcast.

A whole separate. Maybe it's the next one. But, you know, sometimes you. You do plant medicine. You go on a retreat or something, and it's like, okay, like, how can I let myself feel the way at the retreat when the car is honking in traffic and the family member is having drama and involving me with it, and the mom is being clingy and the this and the that and like all of the things in life, it's like. Like you don't have to then just go. I feel like we go back to exactly where we are, and it's like, how can we bring that. That retreat, that meditation, that dance quality into our way of being? So it's titrated and it's part of who we are. And then again, it doesn't feel like we ever lost anything. It's always within us.

Yeah. And I think that that is the key also to be able to do it one step at a time. A lot of the times, I think with this kind of work, we feel like. Like it's. You and I are both extremists. So maybe we're not the best people to speak on this. But I think for the people listening, it doesn't always have to be a full Immersion. You don't have to jump your entire body into the pool. You could take small steps and just put your foot in and just be there for a minute and then maybe do a little bit more and a little bit more. And I think that that is sort of the small wins that we can do with, with going into old patterning. It's hard. Look, the reality is this work is hard. It's hard to unravel and untangle neurological pathways that have been with you for 20, 30, 40 years. So I think just give yourself a break. For those of you that are listening to this and are resonating with especially Sahara's journey as of now, what she's been sharing, I think it's really important for all of us to remember that, that we all evolve at different capacities. Everybody's journey looks different. And I think it's important for us to have that self compassion and self acceptance and know that even though you might not be able to see the progress, it's still happening. Things are still evolving and changing. And as long as you continue to have that deep commitment to yourself, I think all you need to do is just be patient. It's easier said than done.

But take one step at a time. There's no need to rush. It's like learning to fly. You're falling in love da na na. I would actually sing that song to myself all the freaking time. You would because it's one step at a time. Because when you're really like in the midst of a big crisis, it's like, how am I ever going to get my way to the other side of it? It's just like, just one step at a time.

But think about it, when you're in a crisis, what do you do? You pull. This is where tribe and having a good community, like all of your listeners here, a very supportive community, very loyal community, like, it's important for us to have that support. You know, when we hear a story of a breakup, heartbreak, divorce, loss, we feel like we can relate. And we, for some reason, it just happens in life. We think we're the only ones that are going through whatever we're going through. Right? Nobody's ever had this experience before before. Like nobody's ever lived the same exact experience as I am right now. But that's not true. A lot of our experiences are very human. They're very common. There are a lot of people who have the same feelings and have the same insecurities and the same fears and the same resistance. And I think it's important for us to just, yeah. Give ourselves the space and be a little kinder to ourselves. Yeah.

Yes. I think community has been so essential. You have been so essential on my healing path.

It's funny to talk about me, that's all.

You're the best. Find yourself a Rosie. But I mean, but like, but we had cultivated a relationship for like seven years before that you were able to hold me in this time. And I think that's why it's important to cultivate relationships not just when you're in times of crisis, but like cultivate them all the time. So you're not just like, hey, calling a friend when I need all your help right now, but rather you're pouring into that container because it is a relationship and it does take, take growing and nurturing and you're gonna support each other through. When we talked about in the last one, different seasons and different chapters and some of them are heavier and sometimes people are going through it and you start to date different versions of that person. Right. And it's like a continual getting to know yourself and others. So community has been essential and embodiment too of just like, for me, like doing my embodiment practices, doing somatic coaching and actually feeling those things has been like so essential for me. So that's something I wish I would have started early, earlier on my path as well. You know, it's all divine, but I think there just wasn't the awareness of that kind of stuff back then. So had I just, you know, I found it through ecstatic dance. But I think if I had more awareness of like more in the emotional component of like feeling those emotions, I think I could have even exponentially increased my depth that I went to. But again, it's always divine. And we have a brand new embodiment coaching certification for you.

Oh, tell me more.

No, but I share that with you because that is the thing that I'm the most passionate about sharing now because. And I think our collective consciousness just wasn't ready for it. And I solved a lot of my problems from thinking about it and analyzing it, but I didn't get to the core root of them in the way that I am today. And that has been through embodying and feeling and emoting and expressing. So yeah, so that's why we created the embodiment coaching certification which is available, it's open right now. We actually start this summer. It's a three month month certification. So you will learn how to become a certified embodiment coach. So you can use all of these Tools and practices for yourself and your own embodiment journey, but also share them with your future clients. Maybe you're already a yoga teacher or a health coach or a life coach, or maybe you want to actually become a certified embodiment coach and start your coaching practice in this way. So we give you all the tips and tools of diving into your inner child, your inner teenager, your personality pattern, your psychosomatic traits, and so much more. So you can find all of that information below in the show. Notes are over@Highestselfinstitute.com so with that, thank you so much, Rosie, for. I think every month we need to have an episode.

Yeah, no, I love this. Remember when we were doing our movie reviews?

Oh, yeah. We wanted to podcast on movies we were watching. But no, we did two. We did two. We did Social dilemma and don't look up. Don't look up.

Yeah. Yeah, we did.

I haven't watched movies since then.

So we're behind. No, we should do a month.

We also wanted to psychoanalyze the Kardashians. Remember that?

We did.

But since I'm off TikTok, I don't know what's happening in their lives anymore.

And I have to fill you in. And that takes a long time because we've got other things.

I think let's just stick with these, like, existential questions that we don't know the answers to. Yeah, that's good. This feels, like, really confusing and great for the audience.

Okay, perfect.

And that's the beautiful thing. There's no answer.

Yeah, there's no answer.

We just come to the end and we're just like, yeah, it just is the middle path.

Yeah, exactly. I also want to just make an editorial correction. I am not an attraction expert.

I think if you've had a 20 year relationship, you are an attraction expert. So we're gonna keep that as your title for all future episodes. Rosie Acosta, attraction expert. So thanks so much. We'll be back for the next one on how to attract your twin flame. Minus the trauma. Coming right up. All the bliss, none of the work. Make it happen in here.

We should come up with our own app. You know, I've been wanting to do this.

A conscious dating app. There is one called, like, I don't know, I forget what.

They're not. Yeah, they're not good. They're not good.

I mean, I can only imagine the.

Dudes on that app.

Hello, I'm here to massage your yoni.

Can I. Can I get a conscious or like, the eyes. Hold on. Can we eye gaze.

Really feeling you on that one.

I'm really feeling your resistance to this breathing.

Yeah.

And I think that the way that you can prove to me that you're not resisting is to come to my house and lay on my bed.

Okay.

Okay. And right now that you're wearing your clothes is showing that you have really.

A lot of unhealed trauma body shame.

Yeah. So you should probably take all of your clothes off in order for us to do this. This very guided yoni. It's not me. It's the energy being guided through me.

I felt. I felt that one. I. That. That one ping. I got a ping. When she said it.

She said a ping. I want to go. I want to take this out. This is so. I don't want to offend somebody out there, but it's fucking hilarious. Let's be honest.

I mean, the funny thing is it's like. Like, we get it, and it's important to make fun of ourselves.

Yeah, I think so, too. It's like, don't take yourself too seriously. If people are taking themselves too seriously.

It'S like, guess what? We're gonna die.

Yeah. I mean, that's.

I was like. I was in Trinidad.

I was like.

It was when I started spoiling. I was on the beach. I was just, like, thinking about life and, like, how everything's connected, this and that. And then, like, the tree was like, you're gonna die. And I was like, oh, yeah, I am. And it was like. Like, none of this actually really matters. And it was just like this awareness of just like, yeah, this tree's gonna die. Every single thing on earth is just gonna die. So it's like we can. It's like, that's the path. It's like we surround ourselves and immerse ourselves in all of life to eventually let it go, and then we don't know what happens next.

Well, that's what all these practices are. Yoga, meditation, mindfulness, they all are training you to die. I mean, in yoga, Shavasana of corpse pose. Yep.

The word orgasm, le petit mort means the little death. Of course, you're dipping savasana and I'm giving orgasm. This is just our relationship in a nutshell.

Exactly. That says so much of references.

So much of our references. All right, so thank you so much for listening to this episode, Rosie. Where can they connect with you further?

They can just connect with me on Instagram Osiacosta or my website. Radically Loved. I do have a meditation training certification coming up up this fall.

I'm very excited and a quiz where you can discover your meditation type?

Yes. If you want to take the quiz, it's on my Instagram and on my website.

Yay. Well, thank you so much. I invited you on the podcast yesterday, so thank you for just for showing up. I totally did not invite you because a guest canceled. I just really wanted you to be here.

If you ever see me here, it's because somebody canceled.

Please subscribe. Hope you love this episode. Namaste.

Ra.