514: How To Stop Being A People Pleaser And Claim Your Inner Bad Bitch with Rosie Acosta

Bad bitch energy is, you know, they say bitch babe in total control of herself. The acronym, oh my God, to me it is someone who is authentically themselves. They are expressed, they are bold, they are empowered, they are self sourced, they're not seeking outside of themselves for validation and they stand out in their own unique way that is quite inspiring and refreshing to be around because they're not seeking that. Like, if you think about the people pleaser, it's like, are you good? Are you good? Are you good? Trying to get everyone to like them, which actually makes you dislike them because you don't even know who they are. Whereas the bad bitch is like, this is what I'm going to do, so I'm going to do it. And that's magnetic because we want to be like that. So we actually think that's going to draw people away. But we're like, holy. Like, how do you have those boundaries like that? Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Bros and this podcast is all about taking spirituality and making it modern, grounded, fun, real relatable so we can actually serve our needs. And I love bringing my besties in. Who you're going to hear today, Rosie Acosta to talk about the subjects that we are voice noting about that we are pondering about and curious about. Because the truth is what what we're experiencing, I'm going to guess you've experienced too. And especially if you're someone that listens to this podcast, I'm going to make some assumptions about you. Ok? I don't mean to be judgmental, but I'm going to guess that you're that person that helps all their friends with their problems. And that as a kid you were really good at maybe being parentified and being there for your parents and being the responsible one. You were given a lot of accolades for it. And maybe when you're in relationships, you tend to over function and over give and you know, you really want them to like you, but you notice that it might fall into some people pleaser tendencies and you might find yourself being the one who's planning trips and figuring things out and giving and giving and giving. And then all of a sudden you're like, why am I the responsible one? I'm making another assumption. Maybe there's a little bit of codependency going on, maybe a little tidbit. If you're feeling called out, it's okay. It's because I resonate. I have all those things too. So welcome. You are not alone here. And you know, in our Traumas come our gifts. So the fact that as young children we were very mature and we were there for people is what made us be able to see things from a higher level perspective. But then later on in life that becomes us feeling like we need solve people's problems, or if we see there's a void, we fill it in. And then we end up being resentful in our friendships and our relationships because we're giving, giving, giving, and then we feel like we end up in relationships and friendships with people who are just taking, taking, taking, and we're being taken for granted. So if you're nodding with me and giving me a hallelujah, amen, then we are in the right place. Because my friend Rosie, who's a fellow people pleaser, People Pleasers Anonymous, but now turned bad bitch, we're going to be talking about how to transform from People Please, because that has been my journey, if you haven't noticed. The past year I have majorly transformed into my ultimate bad energy. And it's just getting started. And part of that was from looking at these tendencies of people pleasing. Codependency, over giving, over functioning, over responsibility. So instead, I can be self nourished and confident and feeling like I'm giving from a place of heart rather than from a place of feeling like I need to do this for you to like me because there's a major vibrational shift in that. So without further ado, let's welcome my best friend, Rosie Acosta. That's my best friend.

That's my best friend.

Bad bitch contest. You in first place. You in first place.

Okay, that was an intro.

That was an intro because I mean, this shit's on and popping in our lives right now. We love talking about the things that are like pressing and relevant for us.

This is true.

So let's talk about it.

So, hi, my name is Rosie, I'm a recovering people pleaser.

Hi, Rosie.

It is such. I mean, it's one of those things that I feel like a lot of people can relate to and I think it's one of the things that we tend to put on the back burner as something that we don't want to deal with or bring light to because so many of us are in that space or in that state of people pleasing, you know, and when I think about it from a higher vantage point as a recovering people pleaser, and you and I have talked about this before, it's like, what are, what is the root cause? Like what is happening underneath the surface that causes us to be People pleasers, right?

It goes deep.

It goes deep and I think that it for us to really be able to break free from it because again, I am a recovering people pleaser no more.

Those days are long gone. She ain't pleasing no one.

I am herself. I'm a savage with my boundaries, you know, that I'm a beast. I mean there are times where it falls off, we talk about that. But I feel like for me, one of the biggest things that I struggled with in the beginning of my people pleasing turnaround story, my transformation, was that I wanted to avoid conflict. That was a big one, avoiding conflict. And I also felt like maybe my self esteem was not really present, had low self esteem. And I think that the third thing really came culturally from growing up and you know, I'm first gen Mexican American growing up with a lot of codependency. So there's a lot of that people pleasing happening. And so I think that really starting from the avoiding conflict place, it's all kind of tied in together. Right. We don't want to make somebody else feel bad. So we oftentimes say yes to things that we know is not a yes. Right.

Or we even actually convince ourselves it's a yes.

Yeah, so, so like this was the big thing for me and you know, you and I have talked about this again. So our conversations are now public conversations, which is what is amazing. So we're going to divulge what her and I talk about. Not fully, but for the most part, I think for you, what has been the hardest thing to become a bad bitch.

So if you were to tell me, do you consider yourself to be a people pleaser, even last year, I would say no. Like that terminology didn't even resonate with me because when I thought in my head of a people pleaser, I thought of like an extreme example of one. A person who has no boundaries, who's a yes person to everyone, who's just giving, giving, giving, like grandma energy. And I'm like, I'm not that. Like I speak my truth. I stand, I have boundaries, I'm an independent person. I don't resonate with those titles of people pleaser, codependent. Again, from the extreme examples I've seen and now really diving into myself this past year through shadow work and therapy and coaching and medicine, all these things, I could see how actually I had a lot of people pleasing tendencies within me. For me though, it comes mostly in relationship than in friendship. Because in friendship I feel like I, I trust women, I'm very comfortable with women. I can just be like, I can call some a friend up and like, have a vulnerable conversation. Whereas I found, and that was due to my relationship with my dad, that I couldn't be my true authentic self to him. I couldn't just shared how I felt. So I always had this like, kind of this mask on a little bit when it came to men. Of like, I wanted to be easy to going. Like, I wanted to be the person who is chill, who, you know, was fun to be around and. And every guy like prided me on that. Of like, you're so easygoing. You're so chill, like you're not like those other girls. So I got affirmation like that of like, you know, let me like let him go out and do whatever he wants and this and that because that would make him like me more. So I realized I started that like in college in my like first real relationship of just like, I'm basically going to have no needs. Like, and I convinced myself I don't even have these needs, like I'm good, like, whatever. And so I went majorly. And just like, I'm just going to accept, right? And the beauty of that is I didn't pick fights, we never fought, didn't really hold onto things. But the shadow side of that was like, was I in like the deeply fulfilling relationship that I wanted to be in? No, because I wasn't speaking my truth. And so how is someone else supposed to know? And now diving into it, it's like we people please for control. Like, we think we're doing it because we're this chill, easygoing person, but actually we're trying to make that person like us. So there's actually a control mechanism going on in that. And as like, you know, a very empath, if you're consider yourself to be an empath, probably there's people pleaser in there, you know, but we say, well, you know, I'm just, I'm just attuned to what other people feel. It's just like how I am. And again, there's the gift in that. But the shadow in that is like, are you more attuned to how they feel than how you feel? And that's how it gets really dangerous because we at the beginning of a relationship can be like, I'm easygoing, I'm chill. But then eventually your true colors are gonna show. And maybe weren't so chill with them going out clubbing without you every weekend or, you know, whatever the thing was. And then when you start to speak your needs that Person's like, well, you used to not care. I thought I was dating the kind of person that was okay with this. Now you are changing, and that's even harder for a people pleaser of like, people pleaser have a really hard time changing the dynamics of relationship because they feel like I might lose it. So what I've learned now is like, from the beginning, just be yourself. Be the same way that you would with a friend or someone else, where there doesn't feel like there's so much at stake to lose that way that person not in relationship with your easygoingness. Like, do you really want someone to love the fact that you have no boundaries and are just like, go with the flow and are just a yes person? Or do you want them to actually love you for who you are? And actually people value you more when you have your own needs and likes and dislikes. I feel like for a lot of us women, it's like that typical. Like when you're in high school, you have a crush on someone and it's like, they wore vans, so I wore vans. They wore.

You're so influenced by their whole being.

Right, that you like. Like, again, I don't know Kourtney Kardashian personally, but like, she majorly changed her entire style and everything for Travis Barker. Again, maybe that was what she wanted. But it's like, you can see, it's like the girls who like, all of a sudden they have a new boyfriend, their personality changes, style changes, everything changes because they want to please that person. But then that person is one following, falling in love with a fake version of you. And then when the real version of you is being shown, you lose the relationship. And that's just gonna put you in a worse situation.

Why do you think it was so much easier for you to say, set the boundaries with female friendships rather than than with male friendships?

I think cause I just felt a lot more comfortable with my mom than I did with my dad. And I think in general, women have an easier time with other women because we understand each other more, we understand our psychology, and we just have a lot more experience for the most part. I was always friends with a lot of girls, always been like a community builder with girlfriends. So I knew I could speak my boundaries in a way that it would be received. Whereas with men, I didn't have as much experience, didn't really have many guy friends. The only really experience I had was like, in relationship or like my younger brother, which was like a very different dynamic. So I would say for a Lot of these tendencies it shows up with who is the parent of yours you were trying to please?

Yeah. Like, which one's approval did you want the most for?

For you. What was it?

For me, it was. I. I have the opposite experience of yours. So most of my friends were male growing up. I have sisters, you know, so I was also close to my female friends, but I was definitely way more one of the guys hung out with guys, my cousins, you know, the people I went to school with. It was just mostly male dominated. So I never had an issue setting boundaries with men. I always had an issue setting boundaries with women because I felt like I love women so much and that I just want to show up and I want to be there and they're calling me and all hours of the night or day or whatever, and I want to be there. I want to show. I want to honor that feminine energy. Right. So. And I think that that for me comes from this place. Like, you know, my dad was always present, so that relationship, that closeness was always with my dad. So I had that dynamic. And my mom wasn't really present, she was, of course, but our relationship wasn't as close when I was younger. And so I felt like I was maybe vying for that feminine energy. Right. I just wanted. I wanted it. I was needing that strong female energy. And I was willing to do whatever and shape myself and become a chameleon to whatever it is that that friend wanted to do, what they wanted to listen to, what they wanted to dance to, what they wanted to dress like. And I think it's really interesting that the dynamic is kind of different. You know, as you're talking, I'm like, wow, this is really interesting that we've never actually talked about this before, but I see a lot of similarities in your experience, but with the opposite and what I found for me in that dynamic. Obviously, being in a 20 year relationship with Tori, I've never had an issue with setting boundaries or telling him what I want because I always focus, really confident in telling men, you know, setting those boundaries with men. But when it came to the women in my life, I had a really hard time. And in fact, I've never. I still have a lot of the. The male friends that I have had since high school. I still have them today. It's in some of those female relationships that were overstepping these boundaries that the relationships dissolved over time because it was difficult to change. Right. And I'd love to get your thoughts on that too. In the evolutionary process of this for you. I Know, the last year has been extremely monumental in your ability to see where you were being a people pleaser or you didn't think about it. But also like when you are trying to change, where do you even start? You know, because a lot of us, maybe you can relate to what we're talking about, but perhaps for you it's more maybe friendships that you become a people pleaser or relationships in your life where you're thinking about. My biggest thing right now is time. Like, I like to say yes to a lot of things. I know you do too. And we have a limited amount of time and a limited amount of energy. Actually, let me, let me take that back. Because when I really think about it, you can do 20 podcasts in a day. There's 24 hours in a day. You can do that. But energetically, you, you probably won't make it. Okay, guys, still here.

I would do 20 podcasts.

I'm thinking like, no, I probably would. But if you did it for seven days a week.

Right. You know, and eventually you become resentful and that's what the people pleaser becomes.

Exactly. It's like, I'm here, I'm here, but.

I really don't want to be.

And when we start to really discern, am I saying yes for them or am I saying yes for me? That's the difference. Right. When I can say, oh, this, I have this much energy to give. We have this handful of energy every day. Where am I going to allocate that energy? If me saying yes to this person already makes me feel drained, then I know that this is a place where I need to exercise boundaries.

Yeah. And I think that it does come down to the ultimate fear of the people pleaser, which is abandonment.

Yes.

It's if I don't. We don't even. When you're in a people pleaser, you don't even notice it. You don't even notice I'm over functioning. I'm over responsible. You think, well, this is just needed right now, so I'll do it for now. And you think that it's going to change eventually, but it never does because people get used to what you give them. So if you start giving someone X, they're like, oh, that's, that's what they want to give. They don't even notice you're people pleasing. They think you're just. They maybe don't even think you're a giving person. They're not even thinking about it. That's the thing. They just think this is just what Our dynamic is. And then what actually happens is often they expect more and more and more with time. So here you are thinking, I'm just going to give a lot at the beginning and then I'm going to, you know, be more of myself. But actually the opposite happens. They get used to it and then you have to keep giving and giving and giving. It's like when you have a friend who calls you every time they have a problem and they go on a rant and they're talking and talking and maybe the first time you listen and then you're kind of exhausted, but it's okay the second time, the third time, the fourth time, by the fifth time you're like, I don't want to pick up this person's calls anymore. But here they are thinking, this is my friend, that every time I'm upset, I call. They love being there for me. And again, the people pleaser has a really tough time with communication because they're afraid if I speak my truth, they're not going to like me, which means I'm going to be abandoned. So I actually wrote out some ways.

That we can shift into.

Let's talk about our inner bad bitch from inner people pleaser. So the first thing is noticing if you feel like you have to win someone's attention or approval to solidify your worth. So for myself speaking about this in like the relational way, I noticed that I would like put a person, a certain person that I pegged as important in my life and if I could get them to like me, oh, then I'm, I'm important too, right? And it's like the same thing that the little girl does to her dad. If I can get dad's attention, then I am worthy. So then when you've already put someone in a pedestal, automatically the relationship is going to show up in a people pleasing way because you're trying to win that person over. And that's a lot of how women are trained to enter into relationships. Win him over. That's like literally a common term. And it's like, great. You can do all of these people pleasing mechanisms. And he might think, oh, wow, this person just wants to like serve me at all times. And then eventually here you become. So notice if you are choosing people that you feel like are a catch or more important than you, above you in any way, and you've pegged your worthiness to getting them or the story, it would mean if this kind of person was dating me, then that means I am a trophy wife, a queen, or whatever else because that's a trauma response. And notice if that was the relationship you had with one of your parents or if you had an absent parent. So one of the top questions I get is what do I put on my skin? So if you don't know, I've written several books on Ayurveda, which is the world's oldest health system, and the sister science of yoga based on the mind body connection. So I'm obsessed with all things Ayurveda. It's holistic, it's natural. But the thing is, a lot of these Ayurvedic skincare products, they don't smell the best. So when I found Sahajin, I was just obsessed. So she uses Ayurvedic formulas from India, but really pairs them with modern science to clinically back them. So my personal favorite is their Radiance serum, because, let's be real, the divine feminine, we are here to be radiant. It has trufala and brahmi, which are so good for the skin. So this is something, if you're a natural person like me that doesn't want to do a lot of chemicals and products, I highly recommend just all of their products. So you can head over to Sahajin.com and use coupon code Sahara for 20% off. That's Sahajan S A H A J-A N.com with coupon code Sahara for 20 off. And you can find that link in the show notes.

That's really interesting. As you're saying that, I'm thinking about what you said in the beginning about it also being a controlling, a way of controlling the situation because essentially you're mutating into. Or you're. I don't want to say mutating. I don't want to offend anybody. You're transforming into this version of yourself that's. That's just there to appease somebody else and it's not really who you are. Right.

So facade.

Yeah, it's a facade. And you know, when, when we start to notice this happening, like, what are some ways that we can break free from that, that wave when we're in it, you know?

Well, I think it's normal to be attracted to someone that you are inspired by that you want to be more like.

But do you think that these. Because now we're talking about attraction in terms of the people pleasing. So at that point.

But does it could even be the popular girl in school, if she was my best friend, what does that make me?

Right? So girls, you're saying that from this place of desiring to be with somebody who. It's like, I'm gonna base my worth on it, whether or not I can get this person.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Which is the tenants of, like, social climbing.

Right.

And even the way that we have been trained.

I'm thinking about mean girls right now.

Exactly. I was thinking about mean girls too. Of like, she's like, if I can make Regina George my best friend, then I'm in with the cool kids. But then she was putting on the facade, and eventually we found out that she was the girl from South Africa.

Spoiler alert.

Yeah, exactly. So we. We do it all the time. We ch someone that we have deemed as the goal of who we want to be, Whether it's friendship, relationship, even colleagues, et cetera. A group of people, a social circle. And then we put on this mask and we observe them, we shape ourselves and mold ourselves to be them. But eventually your real self comes out, and then. And then you end up in a. In an even worse situation. So there's that. The next one I wrote is to stop over functioning in relationships and friendships. Oh, that's what I'm guilty of.

Oh, man.

Here's what's hard. It's like, as a Capricorn, I was.

Just gonna bring your Capricorny out.

As someone with a planets in Capricorn, over functioning is my middle name. So I don't know how. I don't know what regular functioning is like. So it's like, this is where people pleasing gets tricky. It's like, I like planning trips, I like hosting people, I like planning parties. And I have an ability to see the details and put things together and put it on the spreadsheet, invite the people and like, make. I can make it happen. So then I'm like, well, because I can make it happen. And no one else is taking responsibility. Let me just do it. And then everyone else goes, well, she's. She's taking responsibility of it, so let me just not do anything at all. So then they take the backseat, and then I'm like, okay, I was just supposed to get this thing started. I wasn't supposed to be responsible from it from A to Z. And then you're, like, exhausted about the whole thing. It's like the host who plans the party and then doesn't get to enjoy the party herself. And I constantly find myself in that situation.

Yes.

So.

So where do you think you went wrong in that situation?

I would say where I went wrong in the situation is. I mean, it's hard because part of me is Like, I want to have that. I want to have that party or I want to have that trip for me, regardless.

Yeah.

So it's like, I don't want to wait for someone else to plan that thing.

Yeah, but is that being controlling?

Well, it's like, what's the. Here's the thing. It's like, is it controlling or is it like, I would do that regardless for myself? So. So that's the hard thing. It's like, okay, for example, last year I was on a to Bali with friends, and I, like, rented this house, and I planned all these things. We're gonna go to the water purification. Rented this. I, like, planned every single day. I found restaurants, I found massages. I found all of these things. And then, like, some people ended up canceling. And then basically I had to, like, pay for the house. And, you know, I had all. All these things booked. I had to deal with the cancellation and this, and I ended up losing a lot of money on this thing. And, you know, I went on the trip regardless, and I had a great time. But I was a bit resentful because I was like, now I was stuck planning all these things, paying for these people who kind of saw me as like, the party planner of the group. And it made me realize I was like, I give so much, not just financially, but also energetically. Like, just. I'm happy all the time. I ask people and I'm like, why do I feel like I have to give in every single way to, like, prove my worth? So that's probably where I went wrong of, like, why did I feel like I needed to do this? But the part where I went right was, well, I still got the trip myself, but had I known it was just gonna be me, I would've done it differently. So my learning of that, and I think this happens a lot with groups because there's a lot of unspoken and there's a lot of, like, power play going on and sort of like, who's taking the thing over? It's like a group project.

Yeah. It's like, there's always that asshole that doesn't do anything.

Doesn't do anything. And then there's always the person that over functions. So I was the over functioner. I was the. The girl. And never have I ever. Davey. I was the Davey. So then I started, like. So now, I mean, I love being in friendship with other, like, female entrepreneurs because they tend to have a similar energy as me. Like, for example, this summer I'm planning a trip with my friend Anna, and we're just like both in the notes app, both in the spreadsheet. She's on calls, I'm doing things and it's like teamwork and it feels reciprocal because I don't want to be the person who waits and waits for someone else to make the plan and they don't and it doesn't happen. I think it's a matter of finding people where there's reciprocity. Because what the people pleaser doesn't do is they think I'm just going to give, give, give, and eventually they'll give back to me. And it's not like that. It's a ping pong game. You give, you feel if they give back, then you give more and you feel. So then you might be giving at a hundred and they're giving at a hundred and that's beautiful. But it starts to feel crappy if even you're giving at 50 and they're giving at zero.

Yeah. It's not an ideal situation. And I remember that you were in this situation. It was very, very chaotic for you. And again, it's like the fact that you lost a lot of money is. I mean, everybody works really hard for their money. And sometimes for people to not be considerate of that, I think that that's very telling. Just saying. Anyway, no judgment.

And I think people pleasers, they often give with their money.

Yeah. And I'm the same way. Like, we've talked about this before. A few years ago, I had a similar situation where I, Torey and I rented this house in Palm Springs and we wanted to make it like a group thing. And you know, Tori was. He's not a planner. So the fact that he was even planning anything was already like, kudos to him. There was a couple of people that said that they were going to pitch in, that they were going to help out, and. And they ended up not. And they essentially just figured like, oh, Tori's planning this. Tori's. It was something that we were doing for my birthday. And they just figured, it's my birthday, Tori's my partner, he'll just pay for it. Right. But the energy of that was so ick because it's like, don't say you're gonna do something and then not do it. Don't.

And birthdays, weddings, these things get very confusing.

Oh, my God. Yeah.

Because it's like, it's like, okay, it's my birthday and I'm inviting you, but am I inviting you in terms of paying? Are you expected to pay?

I think that this needs to Be discussed in advance.

It does.

I think that those lines need to be drawn. I'm very much about that. I'm like, okay.

But a people pleaser has a hard time doing that. So they might say yes to being someone's bridesmaid or maid of honor. And then they have to buy the dress and plan the things and come to the bachelorette and this. And then they're spending thousands of dollars on, like, someone else's wedd that and then that. It's like, for that person, but. And then you also have to go to their wed. It's like, I feel like weddings, people don't realize, like, it costs a lot to attend a wedding.

Yeah, a lot. And it's like, I think that that is the part where the bride has to be the conscientious person and really create the boundaries for people. You know, I. I told you about my situation where I. I've been in several weddings, but this one particular one where essentially I got given the honor of planning everything and paying for everything.

It's like, will you be my maid of honor? Great. You're gonna pay for everything now.

And it's like, what? Like, we're not even that close. I mean, thank you. But at the same time, my people pleaser.

Of course you're honored to be given that title.

Yeah, but. But also, I didn't have the resources to be doing all of that, nor the time, and it ended up costing me thousands of dollars. And then to find out that this person only asked me to do it because she knew that I would be paying for everything. And it's really. I think people pleasers get taken advantage of so much, so much.

And that's the last thing that we want. It's like, we want to be liked for who we are, and that's why we're giving so much. And then people often just. Just choose to be around us for the thing that we're giving rather than us.

Yes. So how do you then define. How do you find out who the. The opportunists are in your circle?

Well, I think take inventory of what are the things that are exhausting you, you know, like, what are the relationships, what are the habits, the tendencies, just even dynamics. It might not mean you have to end the friendship. It might just be a dynamic in the friendship. Because here's the thing. We can't say, well, they're a narcissist and they take advantage of me. It's like, it takes two to create a relationship. So you might have just started showing up in that way. So that's just the dynamic of it. And it, it takes courage to change things. Right. And I think the scariest thing for people pleaser to do is express. So let's say you're in a dynamic where you always go out with your friend and you always like, end up paying for things. So maybe you, you know, and you could say it in a really sly way, but like, hey, like I've foot the bill the past few times. Like, I, I totally don't know what your financial situation is. Do you mind if we go somewhere that's more affordable that we could both pay pay next time. Like something like that. So it's not like you're like, hey, I paid this much time. You owe me this. I think it's important not to go in the past.

Yes.

You know of like, you owe me this for these times. It's like, well, you weren't speaking your truth then. So we have to take that responsibility ourselves. We can't go back in the past and center invoice.

Yeah.

All we can do is look at in the future, how do I want to show up? And if that person's like, why? Like, I thought you liked paying for me in this. It's like, okay, then they're only in the dynamic for that for themselves.

Yeah.

But I think a lot of where people pleasers get used is in our. Is in our time and our giving energy. So if you have a friend that only calls you to vent, vent, vent, maybe slip in like, wow, that's crazy. Yeah. In my life, what's going on is. And start sharing about your life. And if they like cut off or they get on their phone or something else, it's like, then they're not. This isn't a friendship. And you don't need to explain to them, hey, I'm ending the friendship because da, da, da, da. I think the conversation is worth having if you want to continue the friendship. But if you're just like realizing that this person is just kind of seeing you as a free therapist, then I would just, I mean, maybe it's the people pleaser me. I would just do the slow fade away and bounce.

This is her. The slow fade away.

I would just kind of like stop. But I think, I think it's like have a conversation if the relationship is worth. Worth tending to. But here's where I think the boundary world goes like, like over the top. It's like I see these books on boundaries and some of them are so freaking intense. It's like, no is a complete sentence.

Like, that's my favorite.

But like, imagine if you asked me for something, I just go, no, no.

I'd probably just laugh. Like I would probably be like, okay. Like I wouldn't.

Weird.

I mean for you because you like.

To over explain and that's also a people pleaser. See, I love. But I do think it's like, like.

How many times have you asked me to do something and then I. I respond, no, but I think you, you've never.

Or I laugh about it too, maybe. But maybe because I don't get offended about it. It's like mostly like the things that I know you don't want to do, like going out late, you know. Or mostly for you, it's about you needing to be in bed by like 8pm Those are really your boundaries. I know you have that boundary. I'm gonna keep on voice noting you all night long, but you stick to that boundary. So it's like, I know that about you, but I think it's like some of these boundary books are so dense. It's a wall. And in relationship it is important to have a little bit of softness. And especially if you're new to boundary or that person's new to boundaries. Like some boundaries are like an electric fence and it's like very, very shocking. But instead you can create a door of like, I can't do this, but here's what I can do and sweeten it up a bit because that way that person doesn't feel like they're totally re not this. Like if you went from people pleaser to no period, that's like a very big jump. But instead if you start to redirect them towards what it is, that does feel like a win win situation, then that's a good way of. Of cre. Maintaining that relationship.

Yeah. And as you were talking about the. The friend that calls to get the advice, I would love to add something that, that I've done in the past that's really worked for me with regard. And again, it goes back to the bedtime. My only one boundary that I am just, just very strict on. I had this friend that would call me, like call, you know, at all hours of the night, even though she knew that I was, you know, going to bed. This is not you, by the way. Tor.

I don't. I never call. You never get a phone call from me. Just makes sense.

But she would call and I finally got to this place when it was just the same conversation over and over and over and over and over and over. And I would, I would stay on the phone for hours and give advice and try and give different perspective. And after a while it just got very taxing on me and, and everybody kept saying, just tell her no or stop taking her call, just don't answer. And I'm like, I can't blank people. You know, I at least like to let people know that I've got the message or that I, I received what they were, they were wanting to give me. And so what I started to do was to tell her, hey, I saw that you sent me a text. You really want to chat? I don't have the appropriate energy to give you for this situation right now. But maybe if you have some time this weekend we can chat about it or maybe next week or maybe tomorrow or whatever that may be. Because I, it's not that you're not important to me, I just don't have. I want to be able to give the situation the appropriate energy that it needs.

And that's so compassionate. It's so like I'm not gonna pick up and be resentful or multitasking. I really wanna give you the energy that something as big as this requires.

Yeah.

And then that also helps that person. See, like this requires space holding. It's not something you can just like constantly be doing. And I think that we're so quick to like, I have this problem, we throw it on someone else.

Yeah, well, I mean, even you do that. When I send you a long 15, 20 minute voice note, you know, you, if there's something going on.

Yeah, I tell you, I'm gonna listen to this later.

I'm gonna, I got your, I see your message. I'm gonna listen to this. You know, when I have time and it, and obviously you and I have a different dynamic. Cause we're very, very communicative. But I think that acknowledgement really goes a long way, especially for people pleasers when you're trying to set boundaries. It's just acknowledge. We need to be able to set boundaries because I need to know where I end and you begin. Because if I don't know that, then I'm going to be very, very compelled to give all my energy away. And that's going to be a big problem for me, for my health, for my well being, for my mental state, because I'm not going to be able to hold everybody's everything. So I think when we're able to set boundaries in a kind and compassionate way, in a very mindful way, it's going to be easier for us to begin to change that dynamic and turn into a bad bitch.

Now, if you're ready to stop being a people pleaser and claim your inner bad through sharing your message with the world, whether that looks like starting a podcast like this one day, speaking on stages, writing books, or just being more yourself in your conversations, your relationships, being able to stand up for yourself, share your truth with the world, because, honey, we need it. So if I'm speaking to you right now, well, I have created a revolutionary model. I'm not even just saying it's revolutionary. It really is revolutionary because it has helped thousands of people step into their voice. And it is called Speak with Soul. So this journey in just 21 days takes you from a kind of awkward, unsure speaker who maybe feels like you lose people when you're telling your story to one that is confident, on point, funny, and knows your unique style of speaking. So I guide you through understanding your unique speaker archetype, how to create a story arc, how to understand the tone, texture, quality of your voice, and so much more. So if you want to check out the testimonials and get started on this journey today, head over to speakwithsoulcourse.com again, that's speakwithsoulcourse.com I hope you're writing that in your notes app right now or just putting it into your browser and getting started. You can also find that link in the show Notes. So let's get your message out there. Exactly. I had a similar story with someone that this actually brought us closer together. So her and I were in the same medicine ceremony together. And, you know, that really brings you close. You're really opening up to each other. And, you know, I'm having my own dark night of the soul the next day. And so many things for me to process, as is she. So the next day I just text her, I'm like, hey, how are you? And she's like, I'm processing this. This thing. And she sends me some voice notes. And I love helping people with their problems. I mean, I'm a coach, like, created by yourself, and it's what I do. So I'm like, you know what? This is getting me out of my own problems for a little bit. So let me help her with. With her problems. You know, sometimes it gives you some perspective. So I'm helping her with her. She's voicemailing me back. We get on a call, we talk for over an hour, and I'm like, given the download of what she should do about her relationship situation, her this and her that. And she's really resonating with it. She's super grateful for it. And I felt really good about giving in that situation. Then the next morning I wake up and there's a bunch more voice notes. But this time I'm like, I just spent like a lot of my day yesterday on like, I. To me, I realized part of my over giving comes with like, I don't want you to have a problem, so I'm gonna solve your problem. You know, so if I can solve your problem, put a bow on it, I don't need to worry about it anymore.

Yeah.

So it's actually coming from me feeling like I need to stop worrying about it because with my parents, when they would fight, I would feel responsible. So I get into between them of like, how do you feel? How do you feel? And be the relationship coach so I wouldn't have to deal with them fighting, you know? So the next day when I saw all these voice notes and again, and I'm coming off the medicine, which makes you very much speak your truth. And the old me would have never done this, but I was feeling very anxious the whole day because I'm going through my own deep, deep stuff. And. But I'm feeling that anxiety of I need to get back to her. I need to get back to her and it's with me the whole day. And I'm someone. I can't leave someone on like red. I need to get back to people. I respond to all my texts. I don't go to ever. I'm an inbox zero person. So I'm just feeling anxious about getting back to her. So I really go inwards of why I feel that way. And I. And I had that realization about how it was related to my parents. So the next day I tell her, I say, you know, it was really medicine for me when you sent me those voice notes because I was very anxious because I wanted to get back to you and I wanted to help you. And I was realizing that because I felt responsible for fixing your problems and I felt like I must not have gotten to the right solution. So now I need to come up with another solution. And I was getting out of my own experience and trying to be into yours. And it was the exact medicine I needed of how I don't speak my truth in situations like this. I haven't listened to your voice notes, but I actually want to thank you for bringing this to my awareness because it was a deep healing for me. She's like, thank you so much for saying that because I was feeling really guilty for the rest of the day. After all that time you spent on helping me with this problem. That then the next day I sent more voice notes and it brought up all my codependent. And we had this beautiful healing moment of, like, both of us in our pattern of like, her. Like, can you help me with this? He said that. He said that. Which is, like, often as girls, we do. And me of, like, let me drop everything and be there for you. And both of us witnessing. We don't want to be like that anymore. And I never listened to those voice notes, which is, like, huge for me to do. And she was able. And I referred her to my coach, and I was like, this is someone who's helped me. And, you know, and I think it's like. Like, as a people pleaser, we think we need to be someone's coach. Sometimes the best thing you can do is refer them to someone who's a professional and could actually help them with that problem.

Yeah, 100%. I think we often forget that we don't have to solve everybody's problems. And I think oftentimes our desire to avoid conflict overshadows our boundaries. Our ability to care for ourselves and to be able to practice that. Yeah. Self care, self love, self compassion that we so need. And I think that people pleasers oftentimes put their own feelings, desires on the back burner because they're so concerned about always pleasing other people.

And it's way easier to worry about other people's problems than your own.

This is true.

And we often saw it. Like, the other day my parents came over and my dad was crying. Cause he was so worried about me. He's like, you keep traveling all the time. I'm. You're single now. You're this.

Tell me this.

Yeah, and it was like. I mean, it was actually kind of cute, but I was like, you're worried about me? Like, I. And it showed me. Oh, no wonder I'm in this freaking pattern. My parents just sit around and talk about how they're so worried about me instead of their own shit. I see where I get this from now. Thank you very much. And it's like, because it's so much easier to be like, oh, my God, poor them, rather than like, hey, I drink Coke every day and I've never gone to therapy and don't exercise and yell at the tv. You know, all of these things that I do. But let me be concerned that, like, someone's traveling all the time. Cause that must mean, like, Something. Something's up. So it just was that reflection back, and I could just have so much compassion for where that came from.

Job, can I just ask you a quick question since we're on the topic of your parents? Culturally, what does people pleasing look like in Christian culture?

Considered manners.

Wow. Really?

Oh, yeah, 100%. We even have this word for it that. It's called tarof in Farsi. So tarof means. Let's say you compliment me on something in my house. You're like, oh, my God, I love this vase that you have. I have to, in Persian culture, say, you like this vase. It's nothing you take. And then you have to say, no, no, no, no, no. It's your beautiful vase. You should have it. And then I have to say, no, no, no. It would be so much nicer in your house than I would pick it up and put in your hand. And we have to do this back and forth for a while. And this back and forth shows that you care about me and I care about you, and this is normal. If you don't do it, you are very rude to the point that every time you go into a taxi in Iran to the taxi driver, how much is the taxi? Oh, no, no, no. It's on me. Oh, of course not, sir. You have to tell me how much it is. No, no, no. You are my sister. Oh, no, brother, you must tell me what it is. Okay. It's this much. Even though you both know it's fake, you both know if I were like, oh, it's free. Thanks so much. They would be like, you, you know? And, like, it's just this. It's this part of this culture. It's a. It's a manners thing so much that it has its own name to it. So I was trained of, like, if someone likes something of theirs, you must offer it to them. Someone comes to your house, give everything to them. Never let your guests leave empty. You give them the food, you give them the this, you give them the that. Like, like, you. Like a guest is God in our culture. Like, you even write poems for it. So it's like. And there's a beauty to that. Like, the generosity in Persian culture is so beautiful. And I think, on the other hand, a lot of, like, American culture, Scandinavian cultures, which are very boundaried, like, for a Persian person, an African person, a South American person, it's, like, so rigid because we're so like, come to my house, have everything. And then I knew I grew up like that. So when I was in high school, I would go to group dinners with my friends, and I would be like, oh, it's on me. Because that's how I saw my parents have do it. And they'd be like, oh, thanks. And then I would have to pay for, like, my high school friends. So this has been a lifelong pattern of mine. But it's because in Persian and culture, in many, many different developing countries, I would say, like, our uncles would fight over who could pay the bill. Like, they would literally, like, go to the waiter and, like, slip them the card. Whereas in American culture, it's like, well, you ate some of my fries, so I think you owe me an extra two dol. And you got a Coke, and I didn't. So can we just like, let's settle this on this app that we have? That would be the rudest thing ever in my culture. So. So, yes, I grew up like that that it's so selfish to talk about money ever. So I have a very hard time talking about money. And because also, as a woman, to ask for money, it's seen as a very, very masculine thing. It's like, only the men talk about money. The woman, it's almost. You have to pretend money doesn't exist. So for me to be like, hey, you owe me this much. It feels so wrong to me.

Oh, man.

But then I end up in situations that I'm taking advantage of. But the beauty of that is, now that I do have money, I love inviting people. And it's like one of my love languages is to host and to plan and things. But you just have to be around other people who get it and can appreciate it. And there's that reciprocity. And they may not be giving in the same monetary way, but they might be giving energetically. They might be teaching a yoga class. They might be off.

There has to be an exchange.

There needs to be some sort of exchange, though. Otherwise it becomes a mooch. And no one likes a mooch.

No, nobody does. Nobody does. Wow. Yeah. I love that. I've not. I've always wanted to ask you about that. In fact, I'm glad that you said that, because I. I never knew Taro.

Look it up. So I have a few more, and then let's get into how to become a bad bitch.

Okay, let's do it.

So stop performing. You don't want to be loved for your performance of who people think you are. Let them love you for you. Big one. Stop being the mom or the nurturer to gain love.

Oh, that's mine right there.

Yep. Stop Seeking approval. Stop trying to get people to like you. Be okay with people leaving if they're not a fit. Let go of anxious attachment. Let go of codependency. Let go of your need to control. You don't want to have the job of controlling random people in order to get them to not hurt you, because that's freaking exhausting. Cutting ties from moochers. And you don't have to agree and like the same things that other people like. So if any of these strike a chord, we can. We can have a little chat about it. I'm happy to help you, sister.

Oh, thank you.

Happy to hold, sister. Divine process.

I. I mean, look, all of them strike a chord. I think that for me, the. The mother, mothering, nurturing one is big because I'm. I'm the same way.

You're a cancer.

I'm a cancer. I'm a nurturer. Like that. That's just my. My way. I want to take care of you.

Do you say that you love doing it or it's just your default? Like, are there times that you're just like, I love being the mama bear and caring for people.

I. It's interesting because I. I love doing it, but I know when people are taking advantage of it, and then I don't like doing it, and then I. I don't want to do it at all.

How do you know they're taking advantage of.

Because they become extremely. They expect it, and they're unappreciative. There is no acknowledgement. There is expectation. And that is where I have to draw the line, because you know me, you see me. I mean, I love cooking for people. I love making tea for people.

I watch people with other people.

Yeah. Connecting people with other people. If somebody needs help, somebody need something to do, like I will do and go above and beyond, and I don't expect anything ever. I do it because it's just part of my nature. And I know that for me, being where I am, I feel like there was many people in my life as, you know, like a teenage criminal that afforded me those same kindnesses. And so maybe I've always felt responsible as I've developed a career and. And such to help people, you know, because I feel like I wouldn't be here if those people hadn't helped me when I needed the guidance. Right. But I think when people really take advantage of my time, energy, and resources, it's like, first time, it happens, shame on me. Second time, shame on you. The third time, what I don't remember. Remember that whole thing that George, I.

Think it's like, shame. Is it all kind of George moment right here on the podcast. We'll keep that in. Okay. It's first time that it happens. Shame on you. Second time, shame on you. Third time, shame on me.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a pattern.

I, I mean, I knew that's what it was. I just wanted to have the joke, but it's probably not a good joke.

I think the joke went on for a long time now anyways, anyway.

But so when that happens, I feel like for me, you get like. Like I give people too many tries. I'm like, you get three tries, but once you start to really impede on my kindness, I have to put a stop to it.

And that's my biggest fear as a people pleaser of what if I'm not saying thank you enough? What if I am? You know, that is such a fear because you know what it's like when other people do it. So then I'm like, oh my God, what are the things that I'm expecting and I'm taking for granted and I'm not appreciative about? And I do think it's important to notice and to send gratitudes randomly to people and to chat. And I would say I've become a lot more conscious of that now than I ever have been before. Because sometimes we're moving so fast in life that we don't think about it. So sometimes those people that you're giving to, it's not that they're like, oh, this person's a people pleaser. I'm gonna keep taking. But it's like they're just not, they're just not thinking about it. Right. Especially if someone is going through a hard time or something. I would tell you, like, during my divorce, I was like, I'm so sorry I'm talking so much and this. And I felt so bad about taking up that much, much space because I wasn't used to it, that I was like, oh my God, I don't even know how to be in a dynamic that I feel like I'm, I'm taking right now.

Yeah, but that's, I think, the, the beauty and surrounding you with people that can hold you. I mean, that's the beauty of having a community like this, having a community of like minded people. Because I mean, to be honest, that's when you know who your real friends are, because they're going to tell you and they will say, like, like, okay, that's enough. Like, this is too much, or they'll say, no, you're fine. Like, this is. I'm. I'm here for it. There. There was never a point in, in any of my relationships where they've gone through something really challenging where I've felt like, oh, this is too much. Actually, no, that's not true. There was a situation that I was in where that chaos happened for years and years. And, like, I could. If. If this was your process and it was going on five years, I'd. I'd probably be like, that, you're done. Like, that's enough.

Or some people are constantly in one portal to the next person next, that it's like, when are you just, like, chill ever? Because I think it's important to have time periods that you're building the relationship and then time periods. One person's in more need in the relationship, but there needs to be that balance.

Yeah, but I think it's what I said earlier. There has to be the communication because it's hard, right? Because the people pleasers in us, you might think, oh, I'm really taking a lot. If Rosie's a people pleaser, she's not gonna tell me if I'm taking a lot.

That's why in my medicine center, I'm voice noting you.

I'm like, oh, my God, it was the best. I'm like, oh, my God, if.

I'm so sorry. I talk so much and I just love you so much.

I want to, like, frame those messages. They were so lovely and they definitely made me feel good. But anyway, like, that, to me, I understand that. Right? Because you have to be able to find that balance of, okay, this is now the line. But also, I think that we have to be able to discern that, you know, when you really love somebody and you really care for them, you're willing, your bandwidth is so broad, you're willing to hold so much, and you surprise yourself at how much you're willing to take. And.

And I think that's what we as then going into the more bad bitch is like, a bad bitch is not cold and heartless. I think a lot of us are afraid of, like, if I step into my bad bitch energy, no one's going to want to be around me.

No one's define bad bitch.

So I think this term bad bitch has become like a colloquial term. You know, I think at the beginning, like, 10 years ago, like, bitch was like a very, like, hard word. It was a derogatory word. But I feel because of popular culture, it has since been reclaimed. So It's a word that I resonate with for fun. Up to you guys in the audience. You call yourself a bad witch. That's a cool one too.

Oh, I like it.

Bad witch, bad bitch. Both are.

Can I be a. A bad Buddha? That's weird, right?

A bad Buddha? Yeah, you can. You can do whatever you want, honey. This is a free country. So to me, that bad bitch energy is. You know, they say bitch babe in total control of herself. The acronym, oh my God. To me, it is someone who is authentically themselves. They are expressed, they are bold, they are empowered, they are self sourced. They're not seeking outside of themselves for validation. And they, they stand out in their own unique way that is quite inspiring and refreshing to be around because they're not seeking that. Like, if you think about the people pleaser, it's like, are you good? Are you good? Are you good? It's trying to get everyone to like them, which actually makes you dislike them because you don't even know who they are. Whereas the bad bitch is like, this is what I'm gonna do, so I'm gonna do it. And that's magnetic because we want to be like that. So we actually think that's gonna draw people away. But we're like, holy shit. Like, how do you have those boundaries like that? Like, I'll share a friend of mine, Anna, and she won't mind me sharing this. She's a boundary queen. And she was staying with me for like two weeks in my house, which is a long time for a friend to stay with you. But the reason why it worked is some mornings she would wake up, she'd be like, hey, sorry, I really don't feel like talking this morning. And me, I'm like, good morning. What are you grateful for? What did you dream about last night? What's your intention for today? Like, I don't even know if I wanted to. It's just like, that's just my default of like, how I am. And then she's just like, I'm kind of in a mood right now. I don't want to talk. And at first I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I was like, wow, this is refreshing. Because now I know. Then she'd be like, I'm ready to talk. How are you this? And we would like have her drop in. We'd have our morning ritual together. So I know that she's being with me when she wants to be with me, rather than this expectation of, like, I'm staying at her house, so I should like come to Whatever she wants to do. So I liked that about her because I'm just like. Sometimes at night, she'd be like, I'm gonna go into my room. I need some alone time. And I'm like, great. Because I would have never thought about that on my own, because I'm just like, let's hang out and talk forever. Slumber party vibes. So I'm like, great. She wants to have alone time. This is a reminder for me to have the alone time too. So it was very nice to be around that.

Is that I love the definition, first of all, of bad bitch. I love the acronym. And yeah, I think that's really great that she was able to vlog voice that. And I think about it too. I feel like once you're in a really good groove with your people, those things don't even become a thing, you know, you can just be in the same space.

I was inspired by it.

I mean, I think that's really great. I've never. I. I guess personally, I've never been in a situation where I've maybe because I'm like, I'm a really good guest.

Well, like, you and I are hanging out, and you are always the one who's like, okay, I'm leaving. I'm sleeping. I would never in my life ever le. I will hang out forever. You know, I'm just like that. So it's inspiring for me because I'm like, I've never in my thought, my head had a thought about leaving a conversation ever.

I'm like, I'm done. I gotta go. I'm tired.

So I'm like, I bless the people who are at a party, and it's like the middle of the party, and they're like, I'm tired. I'm leaving. I'm like, could never imagine.

Cool.

But again, my. If you know the five personality patterns. Have you read that By Steve Kessler? Yeah, Steve Kessler. Kotler.

Kessler. Kessler.

Mine is the merge type, so I find safety in merging and connecting with other people. And I'm a projector in human design with a lot of open. Most of my design is open. So when I'm actually with people, I do lose track of who I am and who they are. I'm so engrossed in the conversation. I love who they are. And then I'm like, you're also an empath.

You're also really in tune, so I'm sure you just get lost in that bubble.

Exactly. But it's inspiring for me to have people who have that. Because that allows me to step more into my inner bad bit. So I wrote some ways that we can step into our bad bitch. So the first is have your own style. And this has been one I've majorly stepped into. Like, I kind of had the same style for a very long time. Boho. Very, like, loose dresses, the all white look, the anthropology free people look, which is cool. It's a cool style. And I would get little, like, micro doses of other styles. I went through that little 70s phase.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This after my divorce, I'm like, bitch, I'm in my thy era. I'm like, hot pink corsets, neon bikinis. I'm all about the seashells. I'm all about just, like, the bold. And I think the old me would have not. First of all, I think, like, I had some sort of idea in my head of, like, oh, if you're married, you should be, like, dressed more conservatively and, like, not show your. Show your body, which was like, my Persian programming, right? Of, like, that's not how a married woman carries herself. And again, considering I was in that relationship since I was 24 years old, so I spent most of my life at. I was, like, considering myself to be, like, a married woman. So that was one of the things that changed. I started doing photo shoots to show the different styles that I was feeling within myself to have these visuals. And I think that's such a fun way to express these shifts going on within yourself. Of, like, do an amazing photo shoot dressed how, like, your inner bad bitch is. So I did one. I was in this, like, amethyst chain bodysuit thing in the Waterfall of Trinidad, and I was, like, so in my goddess element. And that image just represents that portal of my life right there of, like, fully stepping into my shakti energy. I'm doing one tomorrow that's very, like, sequined and bright and bedazzled. So I love having my style and doing photo shoots to show other people. Like, this is a. Represent a physical representation of how I feel inside.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah. What about for you?

No, I. I mean, you know, it's like, my style's very. I'm like, my internal goth likes to come out once in a while. But I think, you know, I've definitely gone through my changes stylistically. I think back when I was, you know, teaching yoga a lot, I had the long mermaid hair and the mala beads and the, you know, yogi wear, and then all of a sudden, just things change. I think we evolve and It's.

And we think we have to dress that way to be spiritual.

Yeah, exactly. And I think that I just. Just. I love fashion, and I love to see people's style. And I'm not a very, like, what do you say? Like, I'm not really into modern fashion. Like, whatever's trending. I'm not into trendy fashion. I'm definitely way more into your authenticity style. Like, whatever you're feeling. Because when people are confident. We talked about this last time, right? When people are really feeling themselves and they're really confident, whatever fit they're wearing is gonna look good. Right. So I think it's really important for me to just, yeah, dress what I feel. And I. I'm just. I don't know. I. I love. I love all kinds of different styles, but.

And it's refreshing because it's like you're the meditation teacher that's, like, wearing black eyeliner and, you know, this like, kind of goth, rock, punk look, which is refreshing because you don't see a typical meditation teacher dressed like that. And even if it's not your specific style, we can appreciate the fact that it's. It's a style that you're standing for because it's a representation of I'm not afraid of being myself, which is the magnetic piece.

Right. Love that. Next.

Next up is Take a Risk. So you can't be a bad bitch without taking risks. The people pleaser doesn't take risks. It's looking at what's the safest thing to do for everyone to like me, which is. Blah, boring. The bad bitch is taking risks in her life in what she says and what she stands for and how she shows up. So to be a bad bitch, you have to be okay with not being liked. It is part of the equation. So for me, with my twerking, you know, at first it was like I was afraid of showing it because I had never. You know, I'm like an Ayurveda author, and people know me for, you know, spiritual teachings, but I have this other side to me that I hadn't expressed yet. So I would share, like, a little bit on my story. Am I safe? Okay, A little bit on my feet. Am I safe? And I would get pushed back and I would get people talking shit about me, and I still get people talking shit about me. The difference is I don't give a fuck anymore. And it was so cool being at my highest self weekend event with 300 people who were there who wanted to twerk and cry and rage and dive Deep and meditate and channel all of it with me. Because they were like, I'm so inspired by the fact that you are not afraid to be yourself. Whether it's they wanted to twerk or they wanted to be punk or they wanted to do whatever it is that they wanted to do. It was me taking a risk on something that didn't. There was never a. A spiritual teacher. Twerker, I would say, before me. But I was one of the first to really do that and bring it into kind of this, like, social media world. And yes, when you do something first, you're gonna get the most arrows shot at you. You know, I got cancel campaigns numerous times. I got people, you know, saying they can't take me seriously. They won't buy my book, they won't this, they won't that. But that comes with the bad bitch territory, baby boo.

Yeah, it does.

You want to be a bad bitch, you got to walk the bad bitch. Walk and talk the bad bitch talk, motherfucker.

That's true. That's true. And you got that Teflon too. You know, you start to build that guard against, you know, people are always gonna have an opinion. Most of the time, the people talking shit are the people that are too afraid to take a risk.

And even, like, beyond the guard, like before, like, if someone would say something, I'd be like, I'm gonna block you, you know? And it was more of that protection. Whereas now I'm like, there's nothing to protect. Cause I know me, and I know I'm in integrity, and I know I'm helping people, and I know I'm in my truth. And that actually is like, the people who are not okay with it, they're not even in my field anymore because I'm not questioning me, so they're not questioning me. So it's like when you take a risk and you stand for who you are, you surround yourself by people who are a Fuck yes for you.

I love what you just said, you know that you're not questioning you, so.

Because the mirror. The universe is a mirror.

Yeah.

When I'm questioning me, I'm going to get people questioning me right now. I actually don't get any hater comments on it because it's like. Like, you just.

The energy has shifted.

Hey, you didn't follow me. If you. If you're. If you're offended by some ass, you know? Not for you, honey. Stay in the PG section. So the next one is be confident.

Oh, yeah.

So being confident, I would say, is the sexiest thing on earth.

100, 100, 100.

And yeah, I think that comes with taking a risk.

Comes with taking risks, comes with speaking your truth. And. And I think for me, it's. You know, this idea of perfectionism seems to run rampant in our society, and I've always been a fan of authenticity over perfection. So when you can be the real, real, and you can be honest and you can be fully who you are, that confidence is, you know, it's the result of your ability to do that. That. So.

And I think confidence comes with, okay, what's the worst case situation? I'll get abandoned. I'll get rejected. People will talk shit about me. Guess what? Not only will I survive, but on the other side of that is my greatest liberation. So it's like, okay, perfect. I actually want that to happen because that means I will become free of those things dictating my life anymore.

Yeah, because that's the thing. Those things dictate our lives. And then we're. We're in fear, and we're completely just stagnant where we are.

By the way, they'll keep talking regardless.

It doesn't matter. Exactly.

You rather have them talk about you wearing hot pink and twerking than being like, she's a boring people, Please.

Okay. And you're gonna be inspiring people out there. You know, I've never found a twerk that didn't inspire me.

Same here, baby. Boom. So the next one is self love.

Yes. My favorite. We should do a podcast on this.

Yes. Because self love, I honestly, I had heard the term obviously before, but it wasn't until my divorce that I actually, like, understood what it was from a deep level of looking at myself in the mirror in this really vulnerable time of my life where I was so confused, so hurt, so just, like, broken open and raw. And I just, like, looked at myself, and I'm just like, I got you. I love you so much. And, like, we're gonna get through this. And I just saw my tenderness from the first time, really, of just, like, I'm doing the best that I can, and, like, I'm. I will get myself. I. I am my own inner masculine who will get myself through this, and I'm my own inner feminine that gets to. To join. And there's something so beautiful when you realize I'm everything that I've been looking for and that can be felt. And there's deeper and deeper initiations into it. So I find the more that we can again go into. What is that fear that we're so Afraid of happening and realizing I, not only will I survive through this, but it will make me more of who I really want to be. We love ourselves more because we can show up for ourselves in a way that no other person can.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I'm like a self love addict. You know, I mean not that I'm fully. See, to me it's always, it's a journey. The way I look at it is yes, I love myself and I care for myself and I have self compassion and self acceptance and self forgiveness and all the self health, loving things that you can do. But, but it's always a process, right? It's, it's definitely a journey. And yes to all of the things, you know, I, I think it's. You said something so beautiful about seeing that tenderness within yourself and I think that that's really looking at yourself from that perspective of wanting your own suffering to end. Right. So the ultimate self compassion. And I think that's beautiful. And that's the only thing that we can strive for when we are wanting to embark on the journey to self love.

Yes. A practice that I teach in the embodiment certification is to touch yourself the way that you would a lover. So to like caress your arms, caress your face. Especially like, you know when you love someone, you're just like, you're so curious. You want to just feel their face and their lips and it's like this new face that you get to like discover and touch. But we never do that to ourselves or like scratching our heads and just giving ourselves that same tender love that you would. Yeah, your lover or even your child as well. That affection and that care. And you know, I actually did it with my students this morning and so many of them were crying because they're like, I've never touched myself in that way. And I think we think of self touch in this sexual way, a self pleasure way. But it's like tender touch, loving touch. Just like our bodies actually respond to the same way from us touching ourselves and in someone else touching ourselves, us, our bodies are just like, that's touch and that's oxytoxin. And it makes us feel that we are safe because evolutionary we were only cuddling and hugging in times of safety. So when we go for a very long time without being touched in this way, which if you're single that does happen, then your body is like, I must not be safe. Which is going to somatically create this nervous system response of like, I'm left on my own and I'm Vulnerable now on my own. So I need to just find someone to get me out of this loneliness. So a way to kind of like prevent that from happening is to give yourself loving touch. So often in my daily embodiment practice, I just bring in this loving self touch in. I touch my heart, I touch my lips, I touch my face, I touch my neck. And then I just feel so much more tender and loved within myself, which is going to make me more confident in how I show up. Love all comes from within. And then the last one is expression. Oh, so of course, communication, authenticity, expression through social media even. I see a lot of people, you know, on social media just repeating the trends, repeating the same graphics, the same quotes, the same this. And they're like, why aren't I standing out? It's like, how are you expressing yourself in this bad energy? So having radical, authentic expression, saying the unpopular opinion, saying, if everyone's like, like, I love watching scary movies. And they're all talking about scary movies. Like, for me, I don't even watch movies. And I'm just like, yeah, I don't, I don't watch movies. But like, I'd love. I love talking about the lessons maybe in them and the old me would have just like, in those conversations, just kind of went silent or like, tried to, like, nod along as if I, like, knew what everyone was talking about. And I'm just like, that's just not. I don't have time. It's just not. It's not my thing. Right? So it's like, be contradicting. Don't be afraid of people not liking you or you being left out if you're not homogeneous to everyone else. Else. Instead you might say, everyone's talking about, I don't know, they watched this show. Well, maybe you have an interesting story about, I don't know, a download you got in your meditation and you share that. It's like people are just looking for something to talk about. So you be the person to bring something new to the table. Otherwise everyone will default to like the lowest common denominator, which tends to be celebrity gossip shows, the weather, politics, bullshit like that, that no one actually fucking wants to talk about. Let's be real, like, is anyone enjoying those conversations? No, bitch. So bring something spicy to the table. I' person who's like, tell me your favorite sex position. Tell me a time that you were really inspired by someone. Like, I'm always just asking questions on conversations that I want to have. And actually it makes people really appreciative because it deepens the conversation in this way that people are like, their wheels are spinning and they're thinking of things that they wouldn't have on their own. But I'm the person who has to go on the limb here of bringing something to the conversation that normally wouldn't have been. I have to face a potential rejection that might happen of like, whoa, that's too deep. Or. But then if they say that, those aren't my people anyways. So I think expression is what ties all of this together, because then you're also going to find other people on your frequency. And it's not just you living in this energy inside of yourself, but then all of your friends just want to talk about the Kardashians, but rather you having these conversations. So then you're going to find those people, and then you guys just all amplify each other up.

Yeah. And I think it's good to be able to have people in your life through that also don't agree with you because it's important to be able to have that dichotomy, to be able to have the paradox, you know, to. To achieve that balance. I'm not saying, like, go make friends with people who are completely opposite, but.

We love having our little debates.

Oh, yeah. Like, even when you're saying this, when you were like, oh, nobody wants to talk about politics and all this stuff, and I'm like, I don't know. I. I kind of do. You know, I. I kind of like to have those conversations.

Yeah.

I think.

Think sometimes they're good. It's just when you meet people, I feel like we're all trying to just find our people. Pleaser comes on of, like, what, can we all connect?

No, I like, I like what you're saying, but because you're a deep person, so you. You want to. You're the person at the party that's like going. You're in the corner, like, going into, like, a deep vortex with somebody who, like, literally was there to just see, like, if there was any pretty girls there.

And you're like, tell me your attachment.

Yeah, your attachment style. Like, oh, oh, really? Like, are you. Do you consider. Whose approval did you want the most? Like, your mom or your dad? Like, tell me about that. You know, like, that's your style.

But it can also go the opposite way of maybe I really want to dance and have fun. I will be that person. So it's like not being afraid of you creating the vibe that you want to create.

Yeah. And 100%. And I. And I think that I love that about you because you're always. I think really, it. The. The portion to expression that I love and if I can add an addendum, is to be open.

Yes.

You know, and to be open and to know yourself. And, you know, you're a deep person, so you are gonna go up to somebody, be like, what's your favorite sex position? Or like, what? I've sat next to you when you're having these conversations with people, and these people are literally, like, kind of caught off guard, but also really engaged in the conversation. I'm like, man, this girl really knows how to make people come to their present moment.

That's that bad bitch energy.

Right? But. But you're absolutely right. You know, I think that that's actually. It's. It's something really beautiful. And I think that if more of us can embrace that, we will go out of this polarity that we find ourselves in when we're in. Not. Not polarity, but we. We can pull ourselves from this. You know, you're different than I am. We don't have any common ground. It's like, how can we find more of that commonality and have conversations that actually really connect us as opposed to divide us? Like, you are genuinely, like, authentically curious about people. Like, you're like an anthropologist, you know, and you're really committed to that way of being. And I think when people see that and they hear you express that, they're very compelled to open up to you. That's why you're such an effective coach, you know, because you are all of those things genuinely. But I feel like a lot of the times people have a hard time expressing because, yeah, they don't want to get daggers thrown at them. They think that they're gonna say this the wrong thing or support the wrong party or, you know, like, say the wrong word. And I feel like we need to be more open. We need to be more accepting of. Of people's multifaceted way of being.

So, yes, give me an honest truth. Feels good to receive, and it's fucking exciting. All right, you heard it here first. This is how to move from your inner people pleaser to your inner bad bitch so you can live your most expressed, embodied, juicy and radiant life. So if you loved this podcast, please share it with your friends. Share it on your Instagram. Because we need more radiant, expressed souls. We need more people living in their truth so we can actually have real relationships, relationships and friendships where we can be our actual selves and leave less of this, like, weird cloudiness. Out of the way so we can actually drop in and have fun at the same time. So if you love this conversation, not only share it, but also leave a review for it in the iTunes store and I will send you my free womb meditation. So this is a meditation that drops you into your womb space so you can receive her answers. So the womb is the home of the sacred feminine. Whether you have a physical womb or not, we all have an energy, energetic womb. So just leave a review for this podcast on the iTunes store, take a screenshot and then email it over to me@saharaiam sahararose.com you can find that in the show notes and I'll send you back my free womb meditation. Thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next one.