521: How To Go From Sad Bitch to Bad Bitch: Break-Ups As Transformation with Blu

The breakup allowed the inner wild woman to come forth and the inner wild woman who, she doesn't give a fuck. And that's what makes her so sexy. But the sexy isn't like, it's, it's not, she's not giving a fuck. So she can be sick. Because then that is giving a fuck, you know, and it's like, we're like, sometimes that subconscious of us is like, let me, let me do the, the glow up so then I can find the guy. And it's like the gloves for you. Bottom line, this is all for you. Because the truth be told, most people are gonna come in and out of your life, period. Most people are. And it's like you are the only person you're going to have for the rest of your life. And it's like, how do you want to show up and who do you want to be? And if you were to look back on this chapter of your life, like, what do you want this chapter to be? And that for me was so huge of like, right now I have the option, you know, it's like, I can make this either my like, demise or I can make this my like, fucking radical rebirth. And I'm going to choose the latter. And I'm going to choose to make this like my best biggest heart opening yet. And you're still going to go through the sadness, you're still going to go through the grief, but it's like, for me, it's like simultaneously be creating the existence that you want rather than like waiting for the pain and the grief to stop. Because breakups have a lot of layers. Surrender, let go, just flow soon to let go. I'm the one I've been waiting for. Welcome back to the High Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose and on this podcast I love to take spiritual concepts, the contemplations that I have been having in my everyday life, and bring them to you so it can actually serve your needs. And for me, heartbreak has been my ultimate teacher. For those of you who don't know, I got divorced at the end of last year and it has been the ultimate initiation for me. I've been doing this podcast for seven plus years and have been practicing yoga for so long. But nothing has taught me the lessons and escalated my spiritual growth in the way that heartbreak has. And it's something about the perceived loss of love and I wanna say perceived of like, feeling like you're. It's like when you're in love, it's like you feel you're at one with totality you know, it's like that feeling of merging, of union, of coming back to the state of wholeness that we long for when we are, like, born out of our mother's wombs. And then we're like, on this planet, we're like, take me back to, like, when I was one with. With my mother, with the cosmos, with all. And now I'm like, here, I'm separated. And we spend the rest of our lives, like, trying to go back. And like, when you love someone, that's almost like, why you want to merge with them. You want to, like, be in their bodies. It's. We want to go back to source. But then what happens is we so long for that experience that we project it onto people who we think will get us there faster or now or loving them will get me somewhere or do something or. This is my idea of who I should. And there's just probably more than anything, distortions around around love. And what I have found in my life and what I have asked for is for the intelligence of love to be my teacher and for me to love those that have lessons for me to share, you know, And I believe that oftentimes our first few relationships need to be karmic. They need to be those relationships that bring out the wounds, that bring out the triggers and the shadows, and oftentimes will replay our childhood traumas and our attachment styles and the ways that we never felt fully seen and enough. And we need to bring those to the surface because when you love someone, you so badly want it to work that there's, like, no better motivating factor than, like, a relationship relationship to really look and heal these things. But after going through. Through those initiations, you can actually choose to decide to shift into dharmic relationship, which is a relationship that is serving the highest good of all, a relationship that is ultimately here to be of service. That doesn't mean that there aren't any triggers and shadows that show up, but ultimately your love heals and. And that is the path that I'm on. And that is what only I am calling forward. And it has been so fascinating for me to watch fellow sisters, like spiritual priestesses, go through their own heartbreak initiations. Like almost every spiritual queen that I love and respect has gone through a tremendous heartbreak in the past few years especially. It's like a re initiation. And I remember about this time last year, it was September of 2022. And I, long story short, a friend of mine, Mia Magic, who's been on this podcast a bunch, is, like, there's this music spirituality medicine festival in Greece called Colibri, and you gotta come. And I'm like, grease. Music sounds up my alley. It made no sense, but I decided to just go. And she's like a friend of mine, Blue. And I had met Blue. Her and I had connected, like, when I was 25, and it was like before she, like, went into, like, the Amazon and, like, sat with Medicine for so long. And it was. We were like, both, like, little, like, spiritual babies then. And then we were in this music festival, and she had just gone through a really tremendous breakup in. In her life. And the initiation of that. I had not yet gone through my divorce, and I rem. She was. We were in this circle, and she was leading this beautiful song where. And she'll share more about her experience through music and. And her actually, you know, partially not having total hearing and her hearing partially going deaf, but the musicality coming through her. And she sang this song called Spirit Lead Me, which is the song that you may have heard. It's like, actually a church song, which I later learned, but she sang it in her own way, and it was like, I'll let her sing it. But essentially it was like, spirit lead me More than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger Wherever you will call me Take me deeper than my feet will ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my creator and the way that she's saying that and the beauty of her voice, while also simultaneously knowing that, how can someone with such a voice be going deaf? Like, it just the juxtaposition of that, it was. It was just like this heartbreak, yet this beauty. And she did not know and I did not know that that song became my mantra. And when I went through my divorce, which was a really traumatic time in my life, I would just sit by myself, whether I was in front of the ocean or on the mountain or just, like, in my bed and in the darkness. And I would just sing this song again and again, and it became my mantra that brought me through this entire year. And I have hear her to think because she put that song into my consciousness and the path of surrender that this song really is of, like, we don't know. You know, you might think you have your life figured out. You might think you're happily married, and ultimately you don't know what. What can happen at any given moment, but all you can do is trust that spirit is leading you more than your feet could ever wander and your faith will be made stronger so with that. Let's welcome Blue here on the podcast.

I haven't said anything yet and I'm already crying. Goodness gracious. That was beautiful little art, by the way.

Every single time I'm somewhere where I'm feeling uncertain, because this whole year to me has been going into my uncertainty of, you know, going to different countries and places, like by myself, and. And when I have those moments of silence, that song just keeps coming to me. So I want to thank you for. For putting it into my being. And before we get into that, of the path of surrender and breakups and all of that, I want to ask you, what makes you your highest self?

Ooh, what makes me my highest self? Oh, great question. Right into the core. The first thing that's coming up for me is when I am fully, unapologetically expressing myself. And that can be in many different mediums, way, shapes and forms. That could be painting a mirro and just being covered in paint and allowing my hand to be the paintbrush. And that there is no difference between me and divinity in itself, which is moving through my body. My higher self is when I'm freestyle rapping in a circle and the beat is just going, and you don't even know where it's coming from anymore, but the words are just flowing out your mouth and you're meeting yourself over and over and over again in the present moment because it's a co creation with something greater. I am merging with my higher self when I am standing at the foot of a. Of a grandmother oak tree and having a deep dialogue with no words spoken, and yet so many words spoken and learning the stories and the tales of trees and rocks and nature that says a message if you're so quiet enough to listen to it. And I would say that I am my higher self when I am standing on stage and leading some sort of activation where I'm nervous beforehand and I'm like, what am I doing? I'm gonna mess up. And the second I go into my Dharma, the second I am doing what I'm meant to be doing, there is no I anymore. And it completely melts into the we and the whole. And I am just sort of living to blow my own mind at that point. So I would say that it comes in many different forms, but it's more so the energetics as opposed to actually what it is that I'm doing. And it's when I don't know where I end and spirit begins.

So beautifully said. And it is that element of flow and surrender and receiving and being. The channel and those moments, like, the freestyle rapping is just such a perfect. We were both talking. We were like. I was like, I want to be a rapper. You're like, I want to be a rapper. We're like, we're both feeling called to be rappers. And it's so true, because you feel such a state of flow of, like, you can't know what you're going to say next. You just have to be the channel and receiving and letting it be melodic and poetic and fun and swaggy and all of it.

So sometimes my subconscious comes out, though, and, like, there'll be, like, someone. I walked into the space, and there's a guy that I have a crush on in the corner of the room, and I'm like, all right, say everything but about this guy. And then I'm like, yeah. And then this guy in the corner, and he's well hot. And I'm like, what the heck did I just say? Why did I just say that out loud? But sometimes, you know, it's just gotta be nice.

It's in the field. Exactly. So I want to talk about breakups being, to me, the ultimate fertile ground for our. Our transformation. So can you share with me how breakups. Because you've. You've gone through a number. You know, some people listen to Andre's podcast as well, and you guys had a relationship, and you had a beautiful conscious uncoupling that you've done podcasts about. You've had a variety of different breakups in different ways. How have these been fertile grounds to your transformation?

Ooh, breakups. I honestly, I would rather break my leg than go through heartbreak. Like, I'd rather break both my legs and go through a heartbreak, knock on wood, that doesn't happen. So it's the deepest pain that I know to exist. And also, simultaneously, it is the deepest oneness with spirit, like you said in the introduction. Right. So it sits on the same spectrum. And for me, heartbreak has been the perfect place for the alchemical process of my greatest challenge, turning also into my greatest gift. And I am still experiencing reminiscence of heartbreak. I still go through moments where I dip into a deep sadness, a deep longing. And what I've also learned from that is that any point or any time where I have looked for external validation as to who I am, what it is that I'm doing, am I doing a good job, oh, I'm attractive person because I have X, Y and Z interested in me, or I'm in this relationship, it's in the spaces in between where the actual genuine empowerment happens. And it's from self validation. And self validation has only been able to actually be fully actualized when I'm not in partnership. And it's in those moments when I feel that undesirable or I feel like what I call my golem phase, which is like, how could anybody love me? I'm here. I must return to my cave and never be seen again. It's in those micro moments when I actually start to be gentle with myself is where I believe true power is born. And it's for to make a symphony. It's actually, it's the in between the silence in between the notes which actually create the symphony itself. And so I have learned the most about myself when I've gone through heartbreak and being single. I have learned to validate self soothe and be the mother and the father of my own experience when I was outsourcing that for my past partnerships. And I feel like my genuine empathy towards the depth of suffering for others that are experiencing heartbreak has deepened to a point where when somebody else is telling me their own personal experience, I feel the emotions as if they are my own and therefore can relate and just hold space. And I think sometimes holding space isn't even needing to say anything but just to feel somebody in what it is that's present.

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Thanks, Disney.

Yeah, thanks. So I'm curious for you. You know, you've had different breakups. Like, how did you know it was time for you to walk away? Like, what were some of those pings?

Well, there's two different parts here because I was in a relationship with Andre, who I've done the podcast with, and we publicly talked about our uncoupling and went right into the depth of it. So this is a public thing. And then they went into a relationship after that. So there's two different pieces. And with my relationship with Andre, I was still in my maiden phase. And what I mean by maiden is there's three sort of stages for women to be able to archetypically move through the stages of life. There's the maiden, there's the mother, and there's the crone. The maiden from. From what I understand is always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Loads of energy, super attractive. Like, like. Like has a zest for life, doesn't really nurture or nourish the soil beneath her feet, but thinks because there's always a wellspring of opportunities the next, that happiness lies the next best thing, or is constantly chasing champagne moments, even though there's like a whimsical, fun experience with the maiden. And then the mother starts to nourish the soil beneath her feet and stops thinking. The illusion that happiness outside of the present moment, when I get the next relationship, when I get to the next job, when I get the next paycheck, when I go on the next Travel. When I leave this house and go over to this place, that happiness will be over there. The illusion starts to diminish between the maiden and the mother. And it actually starts to say it's right here, right now through my creation of how much I put in is what I get out of what's here. And then the crone, hell, she ain't got nothing to prove. Like she chilling, she doesn't. She's got no people pleaser energy. The maiden is all about external validation. The crone does not need your validation, does not need to be accepted, accepted or welcomed in this space. And usually only speaks unless it improves the silence from a deep sense of wisdom. Now these are the embodied archetypes. And so when I can understand the different archetypes, I can see where I'm at on the spectrum. And of course being a 32 year old woman, no children and currently single, I, I been predominantly in the maiden archetype. And when I was in this relationship I thought that the grass was greener somewhere else and I wanted to, I was not at peace with the mundane because life was sort of like a champagne popping moments. I'm starting to experience success, I'm starting to experience my businesses popping off. I'm starting to experience loads of opportunities and sparkly moments. And so when I would come home and the mundane moments were kind of like boring, I was kind of projecting on the relationship and thought that happiness was somewhere else. Now there's many different layers to it and there's, there's multiple pieces that are not necessary to go into. But in that stage when I walked away it was because I was kind of like bored not being fully like forged in the fire and thinking that the grass is greener somewhere else. Now looking back on that, it's one of my greatest pains to this present moment, if I'm being really honest, because I think that there was so much beauty that I didn't actually really fully understand what is the most important thing in relationships and that is to feel safe and that is to be respected and that is to have mutual growth on the table. And that is to genuinely, genuinely care for what's each other's best interest and to genuinely want to support each other, thrive and evolve. Now I didn't have that level of awareness. I was operating in the maiden archetype and I was not really fully nourishing what was right here. And I look back on that now and I would have done things differently. Now I get to live with that choice where now any part of me that says that happiness is somewhere else. I check myself because it's been one of my greatest pains in my adult life is this feeling. So it continues to be medicine for me. It continues to nourish me. And what happened is I rolled straight into another relationship which turned out to not be a safe place and to not be that I genuinely care for your best interest. But it was a sparkly experience. And what I had to do is learn what's most important because not all that glitters is gold. And someone with a good heart that genuinely cares is one of the most precious things on the planet. And from this point forward, one of the pieces that I'm continuing to integrate is that when someone genuinely, genuinely cares and their heart's in the right place and they are devoted to a path of self growth and self awareness, this is a keeper. This is like pure, pure gold. And as I continue to move forward, I've completely recalibrated and renegotiated my relationship with what is important in relationships and what is important with the people that are blessed enough to have, you know, in the core tribe, the seats at your immediate table, what I like to call is like your core inner tribe. What is the piece that's on the altar in those relationships? And if it's genuine service, genuine self growth, genuine respect, transparency, clear communication and honoring each other's individual freedom and in the sovereignty coming together from a choice. Now we're working with gold.

Very few people express that it's so normal to be like, don't settle, sis. You know, there's always plenty of fish out there, fish out in the sea and you'll always up level and get someone better. And it's like to realize that if, yeah, if you have someone that you feel safe with that's on a personal growth journey that respects you, that's ultimately what we're all looking for. We think we're looking for, oh, he needs to make this much money and be this tall and you know, be looked up to and like all of the things that like biology makes us also as women crave oftentimes of like, oh, like a big successful man means like my safety in the tribe. And it's like ultimately it's like your safety comes from being seen, heard and understood, you know, and. And I very rare.

Like I'm starting to notice now as a single lady. Oh, God, it is dry out here. Like where. What is going on? We'll get into that was infinite possibilities.

And it's like. And there, there is. And it's like, humans are so sacred that I feel like sometimes this, like, dating world makes humans feel like you'll just find another one. And it's like, imagine if someone felt that way about you of, like, you know, blue is all the things. She was spiritual, she was fun. She was this. But, like, there's other spiritual, fun people too. So, you know, it's like, but there's only one. One blue. There's only, you know, and it's like, we forget that we. We just see them as. We see people as commodities so much in dating of like, are you going to fulfill this, like, role? And it's like, are you actually looking at the person or are you casting them as a role in your movie that is not actually really knowing them? And I've recognized that so much of, like, we choose these, like, actors in our lives rather, and it's like part of us doesn't even want to deeply know them because we just want them to serve the role that I see on these dating apps. It's like people put in. It's like, my needs and I want. And it's like, me, me. And it's like, are you going to make me feel done? It's like, we forget it's a human and it's reciprocal. So with that, you know, I. I want to ask you now, having experienced letting go, like, does part of you want to get back together? Like, what does that look like for you? Like, because I think a lot of people, they're like, did I? And not about him, but, like, if you have any advice for people who are like, did I let go of a relationship and I'm going to be regretting this, Should. Should I try to get back together with an ex? I feel like we look down upon that in our. What is your take on that?

There's a mantra that Reverend Brianna Lynn shared with me that has just lived in my heart for a very long time and something that I have used as my. I really believe it in the core of my being, and it's what is meant for me. There's nothing I can do to fuck it up. And what is not meant to me, for me, there's nothing I can do to make it happen. And I think that there's so much power in letting go. Letting go that I need validation or I need to be chosen. Letting go that it needs to be a certain way. Letting go of my will and melt into thy will. And I believe that by letting something fully go and letting it actually die from what it was and no longer Yearning. And I'm not even saying like this needs to be an outwardly expressed yearning. It's an energetic yearning. It's a, it's like, it's just, just I felt it so deeply in the core of my being. It's a just I, it's a holding on, it's a clinging, it's a gripping energy late at night as, as it's quiet and laying in bed with my fluffy pillow and I'm like, you know, feeling that in the core of my being and allowing myself to actually let it go. This is where I return home to myself. And in the in between moments, which majority of life is made up of the in between moments, it's like some 90% of life is actually mundane. It's in those in between moments. Can I just not abandon and neglect myself? That is the biggest piece here is that if I'm not getting the validation from that past experience or I feel like I've messed up, can I forgive myself? Like if I had a 12 year old daughter and she ran into the room and she's like, oh mom, I hurt myself, or like she did something, she threw something on the floor, like I immediately would forgive her. But am I gifting myself that gift or am I laying bed at night going, you fucked up. How could you have done that? You should have done better. Shaming myself for what has already passed and recognizing that the most sacred thing is what is. And what is is here I am. So what would it look like to actually just choose myself in this moment and not neglect myself in this moment and recognize I'm not ready for another partnership until I genuinely stop neglecting myself. Otherwise, I'm feeding into another codependent pattern where I'm felt externally validated by this partnership as just something that can only be filled by myself. And realizing for the past seven years I've been in partnership, so I've been in a very loving partnership beside the last one. Very loving, nurturing, kind, generous. So I didn't have to choose myself because I was just always being chosen. And here's the thing, like from the moment that we are born, we know ourselves through the eyes of our mother. Mother, right. If Baby Blue picked up something and mom doesn't like it. No, put it down instantly, I would associate that. That's not okay for me to pick it up. Not because I told myself it's not okay, but because somebody else told me that it's not okay. So for years I know myself through the eyes of my mother. So now when my I'm no longer in direct relationship with my mother. When I leave home, I will place that role within somebody else and it tends to be within my romantic partnership. So when another goes, oh, you did amazing, then I can go, I did amazing. Well, then the other goes, I don't like that, and completely withdraws the love. Now what's left? What would be left is like, ugh, you're so unlovable, you're so attractive, unattractive. You need to get your ass in the gym. What are you doing? You need to eat cleaner. And it's coming from a deep sense of unworthiness as opposed to coming from in this moment. I will not neglect myself. And so I've only been able to actually create a genuine relationship with myself in the moments of heartbreak and being alone. And so the value and the growth and the nutrient dense spiritual lessons that have been gifted to me during this time. As much as I wouldn't ask for it, but I definitely needed it, now I feel like I'm laying a foundation of a house that's genuinely built on rock, not on sand. So if I then want to bring children into this life or I want to buy a house, or I want to actually merge my bank accounts with another, it's coming from a deep sense of I will never neglect myself and I will self validate so that you can have your own personal experience. But I'm not identified through your expression in the world. This to me starts to hum with energetic hygiene and a healthy foundation for a relationship. But the healthy foundation of the relationship starts within myself when I'm not in partnership. So there's so much gold here. If I'm curious enough to go mining while I'm in the moments of the in between, sitting in front of my altar crying my eyes out, I am.

So excited to announce that my new song, Trust Flow is now available on Spotify, itunes, Apple, wherever you listen to music. So after my divorce last year, I was faced with so much uncertainty, not knowing where I was going to live, what I was going to do. It was like the start of a new life. And at this time I kept repeating this affirmation to myself. Trust, flow, surrender, let go. If you know me, you know I love afrobeats music. And this summer I actually started to produce music. So all of a sudden I'm channeling drum lines and melodies and creating chorus words on the synth and you know, I grew up playing a lot of music, but I thought production was something that I would do years down the line and source said it was time and I created five songs. This is the first of which is dropping called Trust Flow. So if you're loving the vibe it's playing in the background right now, I invite you to check it out on Spotify wherever you listen to music. The link is in my show notes and really my intention here is to create music that you feel good about getting stuck in your head, that you want to vibe, vibe and dance to, but is also raising your consciousness. You can stream Trust Flow wherever you listen to music. Please share with me your reels on Instagram. And I'm so excited to Trust Flow, surrender, let go with you, completely resonate with everything that you said. And you know, oftentimes when, when you're in a relationship where maybe there's a lot of space between you guys, it's normal to immediately then want to go into another partnership because you're like, I was so lonely in my other relationship. Like, I want love and to really just like pause and not jump into another relationship from that place of like, inability to be with yourself and to go into the loneliness and like, what are you so afraid of? And you know, this year for me, I was in partnership most of my life and with my ex husband since I was 24 years old. So yeah, like I. Before you were like, do you like to be alone? I'd be like, yeah, I love to be alone. But it's like I always knew someone was there. There's always someone I could call. There's always someone that, you know, I was connected with. But to like be single and on your own, like now I live up in the mountains, like by myself. And it's the most confronting thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. And I'm so grateful for it because it would have. I would have never healed the things that I have healed, looked at the things I would have looked at, gone to the depths of my ancestral lineage and my pain, suffering and like, what I really want in life. And like all of these things that came to surface in a way that only solitude and like only having yourself can. And I feel so many of us, we. We avoid that, so we go into the next partnership and then the same patterns continue to show up and show up. And we need periods of just like deep inner reflection, celibacy, like, just going. And it doesn't mean it's forever. Like, I feel like sometimes it doesn't mean the feminine yearning is very real. And I don't think the point of it is to like, shut it off and just like learn to be alone perpetually. I do think humans are communal and we are meant to be relational and it does make sense to want to be in a relationship, but it's like we need to learn how to walk on our own two feet before, you know, wanting to be on someone's piggyback. Right? And that's what these periods of being single and internal really do. So I'm curious for you, what were some of your practices to cultivate the awareness of patterns that you have been repeating? Because I think some of us were like, okay, I'm single, but then we distract ourselves, you know, what were you actually doing to be. What were you doing at your altar?

I was reflecting on the ways that I showed up from I think the perspective of you don't really know what you have until it's not there. And I started asking myself, where is this, this, this pattern showing up in multiple areas of my life? Tracked it down to, you know, sent to boarding school at a very young age around seven. And I've, I coined or like took on the, the archetype of the lone wolf. And I was good at that. I never missed anyone. I didn't need people to text me back. I have no like clinginess in relationship, friendships or anything like that. Like, it was very much like from the age of 17, I was traveling around the world on my own kind of experience. And so what I started realizing was because I didn't really quote, unquote, need anybody, I was self sufficient. I would have my own, like have my own job as a, as an adult working for myself. So I wasn't financially dependent on anybody else. And what happened is I started receiving incredible opportunities, like the opportunities presenting themselves left, right and center. And because I didn't need anyone and I was in this lone wolf kind of mindset, it was very much like, well, what do I want? And I think that there's a shadow side in the spiritual community where it's all about me, me, me and my, my truth and my desires and my wants. And I think that there's a disconnect for. Also I'm responsible not just for my intentions, but my impact. And I think that in that time of my life, I was not really thinking about my impact, but more so just my intentions. And so it was, I would say that there was an emotional maturity that wanted to happen. But when I started to notice the pattern, not any shame or blame, this is my upbringing, this is just how I've been trained, like take care of myself, like figure out What I need to figure out, like go into these locations around the world alone and make sure that I'm good. And so there's no fault, there's no blame, there's no shame. But it's also a pattern that's no longer serving. It served then, but it's outdated, it's lost its shell by date and it's a contract has come to a completion because it's no longer creating mutual benefit. It's not creating a win, win, win situation. So what I'm doing, and I've got four planets in Scorpio, I love going to the depth. I want to get to the core, I want to get to the root. I don't want to put a balm over the top of it because I don't want to live with myself in that version of myself. Creating more issues and then blaming the second I blame anyone outside of myself as to why things are the way that they are is the second I lose my power to do anything about it. And those that genuinely grow very fast or evolve in a deep sense of self awareness are those that are willing to call themselves out on their own bullshit and to no longer shame them for themselves for it, but to just recognize this isn't a part of my character trait that I wish to continue. And so it was a deep self reflection. I also have immediate humans that I deeply respect their perception on life and the way that they choose to weave in the world. And I call on them for counsel. I open up the space of this is a specific ceremony where you give me genuine feedback of what it is that you see, of certain patterns that I maybe am not being fully embodied through my message, through my actions and in a loving way receiving feedback. And now I. And making the shift between when I receive feedback that actually resonates. It's not that I'm a bad person person. So allowing that to be disconnected and saying these are character traits I have learned, but it's not actually that I'm a bad person with bad intentions or a bad heart. So if I can separate the feedback from the personal who I am in this world and allow it to be a character that is refined so that I can actually be who I'm here to be in this world. What it does is it allows the process to be way more streamlined because I'm no longer having to go through this entire process of, of self sabotage, self loathing, unworthiness and, and shaming myself into evolving, but actually knowing at the core of my being that I am deeply inherently Worthy. And I'm a, I'm. I've got a good heart and pure intentions and I'm always in the journey of refining my character traits that I've learned over time so that I can genuinely weave in the world not only what's best for me, but what is also in win win for others. So that my actions have already been thought through of how they may my or affect my loved ones, my family, my, my beloved future children. But this is, this is the most important piece here is that while going in the shadow work and calling myself forward in these unconscious patterns is to hold myself with the utmost compassion while Persephone pulls me into the underworld, that's been the greatest ally throughout this process. So it's a lot of self reflection, like you said the word distraction and like, oh, it's so easy for me to scroll on the gram and just forget about my worries. Like the other day I was crying and then I was like, grabbed my phone and I went, it was like an unconscious thing and I just went to scroll on Instagram and immediately it literally is like Instagram. It's like insta gram. It's like, it's like I just got a moment where I just got this hit and I was like, okay, numbed out. And I just said while I scrolled, I felt the emotion get numb. Now, energy is not created nor destroyed. It only changes form. So if I'm not addressing that emotion in the moment I'm using Instagram to numb myself out, it has to go and sit on the body. So it has to sit in a somatic place. Because energy is not destroyed, it can't be destroyed. So it has to just change in form. And if it's not emotionally processed through many different ways, breath, sound, movement, touch, shaking, dancing, crying, purging, many different ways of feeling the emotion. It's just got to go somewhere. It's got to sit on my body and then I'm wondering a week later when my spine is hurting. So once I understand the connection, then. And I'm so, I. I've become so self aware that even when I'm numb myself out, I know what it is that I'm doing. It's about calling myself forward in those moments, putting it aside, and actually sitting with the story that I've placed over what it is that I'm feeling. Because everything's a story, everything is a story that I place on what is but what is a sacred. If it's grief, it's rage. If it's shame, if it's guilt. It's got a sacred purpose. And if I can soften deeper into what is, then I can start to illuminate the gift within it. And Richard Redd, one of my mentors, he talked about how awareness or awakening or enlightenment is just a series of softenings. So when we want to get tight or numb out or distract from what the sacred thing that's presenting itself, it's actually softening deeper into it. I'm like, okay, hello, emotion. Hello, jealousy. Hello, fear. Hello, rage. Hello, sadness. Hello, grief. Whatever emotion it is, welcoming it, giving it a seat at the table, and softening the body into it and being curious to be a student of it without identifying with the emotion because identifying with it sticks. It's like, I am angry while sticky, but I am experiencing anger while it passes through as quickly as it came. So when I detach the identification with the emotion and become curious enough to soften into it, then all that's left is gold. Because our greatest challenge is also our greatest gift in this life. But most are not curious enough to find it.

So when you feel that, you know, anger at yourself or whatever, it looks like you want to go on Instagram, what do you do? Like, if you don't have time to do, like, full, like, embodiment practice, like, how do you, in that moment, soften into the experience two different ways?

Sometimes I like to just voice note it in a heat of emotion. And it's like, it's like I can go, like, I don't have to be spiritual, have the right language or not bring somebody else into it or speak badly about someone behind their back. Like, I can go on to voice note and just, like, let whatever it is written rip out of my mouth so it has a place of an outlet. Then once the heat of the moment has passed or the whatever emotion is, it's presenting itself, I will circle back onto the voice note and listen from. As if I was holding space for another to start to dissect what is the root of the anger or the charge or the trigger towards that person, place, situation, or thing that is creating that within me. And then I'll trace back to, like, when is it the last time I can remember feeling that emotion? And was that where it started? And so there's just a deep inquiry of like, yeah, know thyself. It's like, it's just a journey of understanding yourself. So in the moment, just the outlet. Sometimes it's in the shower. Like, if I'm, like, feeling some kind of way, I'll just Like, I look crazy. I'm okay with that. Like, I just. And then all of a sudden it's like the pressure goes and this has an outlet. Sometimes when I'm feeling lone and I'm laying in bed, it's like giving myself a really big hug and then reflecting on some of the stuff that I've had to be moved through to get to this point and just giving myself that little self reassurance. There are many different little tools and tricks in the bag. And in the past I've been called a witch, which I don't actually resonate with that archetype. Nothing against it, but it's just doesn't. It's not fully my archetype, but I do resonate with that which is needed. So depending on the emotion, we never step in the same river twice. Meaning that no two moments are the exact same. So whatever it is, it's presenting itself. It's very unique to the moment. And it requires a deep level of listening beyond the ears to that which is needed. And sometimes that which is needed could look absolutely nuts. Like, literally just standing, like, ah, I feel better now. Okay, great. That was that which was needed.

And that's why, like, we are so lacking. Like, so many of us live in apartments that we can't be fully loud that I realized myself of how much I was suffocating myself. Because with breakups there comes many layers of different emotions. You know, the, the anger and it's waves. It's the anger, the disgust, the loneliness, the sadness, the grief, the longing. And you know, when you lean into it and sound it out, like, I would find myself just like this, like, deep rage. For me, the car is the perfect place because I can be so loud there and not like there's a part of me that's like my inner, like, people pleaser, that's like, I don't want to be loud and like, scare anyone, you know, Even though, like, I don't know, it was just weird. In our society if you hear someone yelling. Like, I think because my dad was angry that I would never. Even when I was in my medicine ceremony, I was like, well, I don't want to scare the other girls, so let me not sound out my. The anger that was inside of me because I was way more concerned of how it might impact them because of how it impacted me. So I find my car is like a really good place where I don't have to worry about it, that I can just go like, full collie mom, like, and like, go for it and Rage and letting it come out. Dancing is huge for me of just literally, like, expressing it through my being. And different dance forms evoke different emotions. Like, a big part of earlier of this year was like, I'm going to climb that fricking pole and show it whose boss. And it was like, the strength are you.

You shake that lower lumbar. I've never seen anybody. Yo.

But it was like turning pain into beauty. That's what pole dancing was. Pole dancing fucking hurts. It's like you're climbing this, like, metal pole that's like scraping your inner thighs and like, cutting your feet. And you're turning into something, like, graceful and artistic and, like, sensual. And I'm like, so like, that became my practice. And then I was sharing with you that I've been like, singing a lot and, like, activating my voice and making music. And it's like different layers call for different initiations. And you must listen, you know, and give it that space. Otherwise it gets locked. And then you get trapped, trapped there. And then I feel like you get trapped in that level of consciousness, and then the relationship will have to repeat from that level of consciousness rather than. It's like we do all of the up leveling and growing in between the relationships. And yes, there's different lessons that we learned only through partnership. But if we can, like, go through all of these layers of anger, grief, shame, jealousy on our own, it's like, then we don't have to deal with that in the partnership. You can, like, have more of the love and the bliss and the communion, which is, like, what we ultimately want partnership for. So it's like to be able to lean into that and see. See breakups as this, like, space that I can feel all the feelings. And for me too, it brought up all of this healing work that actually had nothing to do with the breakup, but was underneath the surface of. Of why I was even in that relationship. You know, childhood healing, ancestral healing, all of the karmic plays that repeat cycle by cycle, that if it wasn't for the breakup, I just wouldn't have looked at or I would have maybe spent years later looking at that. It's like. Like I feel because we want to look at what went wrong, we end up looking at all of these things that maybe, again, you don't need to look at unless it becomes this pressing problem in your life. That it took me very deep into my ancestral lineage and I learned that, like, my grandma had a divorce that I never knew about. And just like all of the layers of how that impacted my. My dad and, like, how it impacted my childhood and him. Him not understanding me. And it was like all. All of these family things that I would have just never looked at. So I'm curious for you, like these breakups, how have they shifted you in your sense of gnosis, of understanding yourself?

I feel like a huge ally and tool for me. And what you mentioned is the alchemical process of turning it into art, turning the chaos into beauty. My life's work in the Gene Keys double is beauty. And I love through the gift of freshness, to bring beauty and freshness into different areas of my life and. And something that has deeply inspired me around your journey and being able to witness it from close and afar of, yes, all of the emotions that I don't even have a fraction of fully understanding of the spectrum of what it is that you navigate during this crazy initiation. And simultaneously, what I have witnessed is you up on the pole, building that strength and that muscle, feeling strong and sexy for you in yourself, in your body, to. To trying different dance classes and sharing a message that is hitting an even deeper note of transparency and vulnerability through your podcast and through your platform, to the way that you're leaning into your sisters and the way that you're listening in conversation. There is so much beauty that has emerged from the cracks of devastation, and it's been deeply inspiring and something that I relate to in my own unique way. Way. It's when I see a blank wall, I see pure potential. When I get in my overalls and I have my hair tied up with a paintbrush and I get all these paints out and I set the space and I light some say, do I like incense? And I put some music on and I merge with this wall. And after five hours, out comes a massive lion that is reflecting back to me the power that lies within me through this creative process. Process that didn't exist five hours ago and is now staring at me, reminding me of my courage and my strength and my power. And those are the moments that I live for. It's the. It's the art of creation. And also something else that has really forged from this experience is like sister, like in the places that I'm afraid that if I fully express my full truth in the presence of a partner, a romantic partner, that I'm afraid that they will leave if they fully experience my rage or if they fully experience my trigger, if they fully experience my grief. Sisterhood has proven time and time again when in the right context and setting, that I can go through My purge and be loved to the core for is renegotiating and retraining my relationship with my own process that it is actually lovable. And so in these space, in between the way that the sisterhood has shown up for me and the way that certain, you know, Reggie, for example, one of my closest sisters, I remember when I was really in it, and I thought I was like, when is the end of this sadness? Like, I lost my joy, I lost my play, I lost my excitement. I lost my. My juju for life or for creating at all. And she came and sat with me. And I remember she sat behind me while I was weeping, and she held me and she just whispered in my ear, I'll be here for as long as it takes. I'm not rushing your process. Your process isn't making me uncomfortable. As long as you need to cry, if it's three days, three months, three years, 30 years, I will be here with you. And in that moment, she planted a seed in my psyche that my grief was sacred and that it needed to breathe. And I've only really been able to receive that from sisterhood. I've received unconditional, loving, a relationship, for sure. I've been very blessed in that sense. And there's a texture and a permission and a fragrance and a warmth and a softness that sisterhood provides in the moments of despair that have taught me to love myself deeper than I ever have before. So there's creation, there's music, there's singing, there's dancing, there's turning what once was nothing into something beautiful, not for the goal, but for the process itself. And then in the same breath as sisterhood that is just is a lifeline that our charisma forever.

This episode is brought to you by better help. Do you ever feel like your brain is getting in its own way? Like, you know, what you should do, you know, what's good for you, but for some reason, you just can't do it. So therapy really helps you figure out what it is that's holding you back so you can work for yourself rather than against yourself. I think we all really need someone to talk to. I mean, friends are amazing, but having a licensed therapist who can hold space for us and we can can, you know, share those deeper beliefs and fears and secrets and things that we're ashamed about and bring them to light so we can, you know, really step into our full purpose is so essential. So if you're thinking about starting therapy, I highly recommend giving better help a try. It's entirely online. You Fill out a brief questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist. And it's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to your schedule. So you can try it out for 10% off by heading over to Better. Betterhelp.com Sahara that's betterhelp.com H E L P.com Sahara and you can find that link in the show notes. That's so beautiful. And yes, sisterhood is to me such a foundation of why we are here. It's the codes that we share and to have it be dharmic, to create something that's larger than the two of you, whether it's an art project or a song or a business or. Or whatever else. So segueing from moving from sad bitch to bad bitch and this bad bitch energy that you're stepping into of wanting to freestyle rap and you're creating your art and you're speaking on stages. What advice do you have for someone who's like, okay, I'm done with the grieving and the processing and I know there's more to come, but like, I'm ready to make this like my transformation moment. What advice do you have for them?

I have a friend who's. Her name's Queen Herbie and she's epic.

Love her.

She's dope rapper and she's got some lyrics in a song called thank God. It's like, thank God I'm a bad bitch. Spent a thousand lifetimes being a sad bitch. Now you're triggered by my highness. Because I speak another language and like that specific piece, I go really hard on that part because I can relate to spending a thousand lifetimes being a sad bitch. Sadness is my go to. I don't usually feel anger. I don't usually like.

Well, it's a safer emotion for me, the feminine to feel.

Yeah, just. Just sad. I literally collapse. And now it's got to the point where if I'm dancing, I. Before I start dancing, I take a breath and I check in with why? Why am I dancing? Am I dancing because everyone else is dancing? Am I dancing because there's our guy across the room and I'm like, dancing or am I dancing because it feels so amazing and that's what I'm focusing on right now. Maybe there is a hot guy across the room. Maybe he likes my dancing, but it's not my why. My why. Why is that? I'm dancing because the music is moving me and it's allowing every single part of my body to start to hum with life force energy. It Feels so good to stretch and move my hips that it's emanating this feeling out of me that is creating this irresistible feeling of being me in this moment. And so I apply that same energy towards anything that I'm doing, whether I'm doing the dishes, but I'm playing the bg, staying alive, and I'm like blasting it through the speakers and I'm having a really good time. Time. It's happiness for no reason. It's happiness because I'm self sourcing my own joy in the mundane moments. And that can bridge from painting emerald to dancing, to jumping on a pole, to doing the dishes. But for me, that's what it means to genuinely. A bad bit, be a bad bitch. Is. Is this unapologetic? This is who I am. Take it or leave it. I don't need your validation. I'm just being embodied because it feels good and I'm following the feeling. And. And this is bad bitch because the sad bitch is crushed by the world, by the world's perceptions, by the projections, by the shame, by the guilt, by the story that is weighing one down and not allowing myself to see the beauty that's right in front of me. It's like I need to clean the lenses off for me to be able to actually perceive the reality where a bad bitch is, that my reality is born from the inside out. Even when I'm scrubbing off yesterday's grimy avocado off this plate. But who I'm being while I'm doing it is a bad bitch. And so what I love at the moment is I live in Topanga and I live in a house of bad bitches. Like, they're epic in their own right and they've got their own thing going on, but we have come together and cheer each other on and celebrate each other. We're in the kitchen like, damn, girl, you look good today. Like, thanks, mama. Let's go. You know, we're like making our matcha in the morning and it's. It's like, it's this, like, general permission slip that is breathed from the inside out that is affirmed by the right environment that incubates this to become the default as who we are. So that even when I'm out in the world and it's not a safe place and people be judging and people are like, what is this bitch going on about? Or whatever, who I am is so deeply anchored and locked into the core of my being that no longer is the projection swaying me into an inauthentic version of Myself. Because magnetism is born from authenticity, and so we actually don't need to do as much. When we give ourselves permission to fully be in the vibrational essence of who we believe we are in the. In the present moment, then actually opportunities present themselves. This is the feminine principle of magnetism. So the bad bitch is a very highly authentic magnet magnetic being that has got nothing to prove and everything to be in every given moment, whether it's grief or it's pure joy. And I'm subscribed to that vision of myself.

I love this reclamation of even what bad bitch means, right? Because, like, growing up, like, bitch was like, this, like, derogatory term. And, like, I get that perspective, but it's like, to reclaim that of just like. Like, you know, I love the acronym of, like, babe in total control of herself. And it's like, you know, to be your full expression and to be the inner Spice Girl that you're here to be. And it's like, when you lose that sense of, like, oh, I need to be this thing for this man to choose me. When you drop that, you're like, what flavor do I want to be? Like, what it. What would make me be my dream girl? What would make me fall in love with me? And you start becoming that. It's like you just don't even need. You're not even yearning really for the relationship and the things anymore because you're so fucking full of yourself. And for me, I remember, you know, I was in Bali, and I was, like, deeply grieving and healing. And then I, like, met someone who had a stage at Envision Festival that she's like, do you want to come, dj? And, like, all of a sudden, I'm like, DJ at Envision Festival. Like, like, thousands of people. And that made me fall so in love with myself of like, oh, I don't need to date a dj, bitch. I am the dj. I'm the fucking headline dj. And, like, you know, and just to be my full, like, wild Shakti expression. And I wrote this poem on the way there, and it was like, way before the Barbie movie. I was even aware of it. But it was like, inside of me, there's a wild woman that tore apart the Barbie box that life put her in. She howls at the moon and she bleeds with the earth, and she believes in death and rebirth. It was this whole transmission that came through me. And it was like the breakup allowed the inner wild woman to come forth. And the inner wild woman who. She doesn't give a. And that's what makes her so sexy? But the sexy isn't like, it's, it's not, she's not giving a. So she can be sick. Because then that is giving a, you know, and it's like we're like, sometimes that subconscious of us is like, let me, let me do the, the glow up so then I can find the guy. And it's like the globe's for you. Bottom line, this is all for you. Because the truth be told, most people are going to come in and out of your life, period. Most people are. And it's like you are the only person you're going to have for the rest of your life. And it's like, how do you want to show up and who do you want to be? And if you were to look back on this chapter of your life, like, what do you want this chapter to be? And that for me was so huge of like right now I have the option. You know, it's like, I can make this either my like demise or I can make this my like fucking radical rebirth. And I'm going to choose the latter. And I'm going to choose to make this like my biggest heart opening yet. And you're still going to go through the sadness, you're still going to go through the grief, but it's like for me it's like simultaneously be creating the existence that you want rather than like waiting for the pain and the grief to stop. Because breakups have a lot of layers that honestly for years you will be excavating, you will be learning deeper and deeper lessons that only certain levels of, of space between what happened provide the safety for you to actually receive that. And it's like even like right after, after my divorce, I was like, okay. Three months later I was like, okay, I've made it to the three month portal. Like I'm good. Like I, I've, I, I've made it. And then it would be like, oh wow, the six month portal. Oh wow, the wedding anniversary. Like all of these things were deeper initiations and like, you know, it becomes less. It's like eventually the tears do stop, but to stop waiting for time to pass. I think that was a huge lesson I needed, especially when things are really fresh. It was like, I remember the first month I was like, I was just waiting for the hours to go by to get me out of this pain of like, I can't wait until I can say it's been one month. And it's like that first. I find that first month is the hardest in any kind of breakup because it's like that, holy shit, the shock, the. The everything. But it's like, do you want to live your life waiting for time to pass or do you want to choose to right, take this energy, like all of the ener. It's like breakups. You're. You're electric with energy and it's like, where do you want to direct and focus it? And it's so easy for us to like, take that energy and feel like it's too much and like spiral downwards and spend the energy on overthinking and overanalyzing and this. And like a huge realization I actually had after my medicine ceremony was like, you also just trying to keep processing. It is you not like letting go. And it's like you trying to be like, okay, let me piece together my inner child with his inner child and this and like, how this. And it's like that's still holding on, you know, it's like eventually you just have to accept, look, you know, it. It happened. And on one level, a dimension, you'll be mourning something for the rest of your life. And on another level, intervention, you're not even going to remember this. So it's like both are simultaneously existing and life is happening right now, you know? And I remember, like the first breakup I went through, my college boyfriend. We were together for four years. It took me so long to overcome that because I didn't understand healing and understand grief. So like, took me, I was like, held onto this anger for so long and for this because I had the tools that I had. I was like, oh, wow. Like, God is giving me a chance to put all my tools into practice right now. Like, let's go in. Let me feel the feels, let me mourn, cry, dance, scream, travel, play, create this, that, be alone, be in nothing. Like, like all and nothing at once. And I feel like that's how I have transmuted into my most inner bad bitch self. And, you know, even you came in and you're like, I love how you have this mermaid hair and these new tattoos that I'm like continually asking myself. It's like, what. What is my dream girl? Like, what does my crush on myself want me to do right now? And I'm so grateful for the experience because I love myself more than I ever have before. And that is priceless.

I mean, I would say that I would go through it again to receive.

The gift of self 100%, 100 times.

But, you know, it's not easy. It's brutal. And if there's Anybody listening to this podcast, you know, going through heartbreak time does heal it. And this too will pass. And also this is, this is such a potent time for a deeper level of self awareness to drop in, that we can actually start to access that version of ourselves that we know we came here to be. And we can start forging it in the fire and allow that fire to burn off all that we had picked up from society, from lovers, from parents, from schooling, from media around who it is that we are, to start forging who it is that we are from the inside out, based off of a deep sense of feeling. And now this is a human that turns head without saying a word when they enter into the room. Because you can feel it when someone has been brought to their knees and they know how to be in a place of joy and everything in between. And they allow all of the sacredness of life to move through them so they can remember the wholeness that is available within our own thoughts of when we accept the most sacred thing is what is and transcend a binary experience, that there's a right and a wrong emotion, that it just is showing up because it's here to teach us something and to go through heartbreak isn't wrong. It's nothing bad. Not that you did anything that was bad. It's more. So it's here, it's now. There is death, purification, rebirth, integration, the cyclic nature of the shamanic cycle, the cyclic nature of being human. Now I'm in the death, but I cannot have summer without the winter. And so when the winter presents itself, when the shadow presents itself, can I respect it as much as I, I respect the positive emotions. And when I give the shadow my respect, the gifts that are available on the other side of it will last with us a lifetime. Because the clothes on our back, the money in our bank account, the homes that we live in, the partnerships that we're in, our friendships, they're all subject to change. They will change. But the awareness that you gift yourself, the things that you learn, the deep study, the introspection that stays with you for the rest of your life, and it becomes an asset to every single place that you enter, enter into. And it's the greatest investment we could ever make. And heartbreak is the place, right? As Rumi said, the cracks is right where the light enters. And this is something that stays with us forever. And so it's not about if, it's when and when it shows up. What we do with it can forge and determine who we become for the.

Rest of our Lives take me to church. I worship in the night. So good. So. And it's as you were saying that it actually took me to this vision of myself that I was, like, on my knees, looking in the mirror, just crying, like, just so broken, so sad. And it was like. It just reminded me of, like, the beauty you're experiencing right now is because you are willing to face, like, the core levels of, like, ugliness that is possible. And that's the beauty of the breakup of, like, you reach this range that you would have never accessed on your own. This ra. This range of anger, of grief, of sadness, of aloneness. You touch these places that you didn't even know existed. It's like deeper layers of the ocean. And sometimes it's so deep that you're like, holy. Like, will I ever get out of this? Like, I remember telling my friend, I'm like, I don't think I'm ever gonna like to dance anymore. I don't think I'm ever gonna wear bright colors again. That old version of me is dead. People probably aren't going to really be interested in my social media is not going to be the same anymore. But I'm willing to be here in this death as long as it takes. If this is just who I am for the rest of my life, then this is just what it is. And I didn't know. I didn't. Honestly did not know. I even told my social manager. I'm like, these are our new colors. And it was like brown and dark maroon in this. Like, this is it moving forward. And I was just, like, writing death poems constantly. Like, they're like, okay, nothing. Another death poem. Like, you know, but I needed to be honest with, like, this is where I am, and I will be here as long as it takes. And I eat. I. It was almost like I had to even die. I couldn't eat food. You know, my body was in such a state of shock. I couldn't eat. I couldn't even drink coffee, you know, But I needed to purify. I needed to kill all former identities of me, all former roles that I played, all these former belief systems that I had that of who I was, what a wife was, what marriage was. And these were all ideas that were given to me but did not come from me. Like, I was just. I just inserted myself into role. Put your. The white dress on. And, like, here you are. Now you are wife. And, like, this is husband, and this is what husband and wife do. And you play it out until death do you part. You know, and it's like, God, I believe, gave me a second lease on life that I would have never taken myself. But I needed to go through what I went through, through for me to have a life that I didn't even believe I was, like, worthy or capable of having in this lifetime. You know, I just. I'm someone who's, like, a loyalist. I'm like, I will hold on forever. I will make things work. Like, it's maybe my. Eight planets in Capricorn. Eight planets in Capricorn, baby. So I'm like, yeah, like, whatever. I'll make anything work. Like, it's all good. That life was just. Just like, want more for yourself. Want more. And I would say I'm still in my spring. I wouldn't say I'm in my full summer yet. It's still in this. Like, I'm, like, just starting to walk with these new feet of, like, who am I in this new world, in this new reality? Like, what do I want? Where do I want to live? Like, who are my identity? I was telling you, I started producing music and, you know, these new things. I'm like, I can. I can do that. I can do this. And, you know, so. So it's like being patient with yourself because it is a process, and different initiations will come at different time periods. But be in the one that you're in now. Like, you're. For me, it's like the things I'm interested in, shift the music I'm listening to, shift even the Instagram accounts. I went through this kizomba dancing phase. I was like, I love kizomba dancing, which is, like, Portuguese partner style of dancing. I was just, like, following all these kazoma things, and I, like, lived that reality in Portugal and got the codes I needed from that. It was just like, okay, I know. And, like, now we're moving on. And it's like healing my. My Persian lineage. And it's like every person, every chapter of your life has codes, has lessons, has medicine for you. And then sometimes these show up as lovers, you know, they show up in people lessons. But what I've learned, it's like the love story is really you with you.

Yeah.

And when we can drop that, like, well, and then I'll find the one, you know? There is no one.

Yeah, I can't subscribe to that.

No, there is no one.

I don't know if I. I love the. I love, you know, like, a good fantasy novel, whatever, but, like, love a good fairy.

Fuck, no.

It's like, so much Pressure. The one. This is the one. Oh, he made me. They're the one. I like. It's like, it's like there's so much pressure. That person must be everything that we're not for ourselves. And recognizing that, yeah, we go through many different iterations of ourselves in this life. We reborn every seven years like on a, on a biological level. Every 75 trillion cells will completely regenerate into a new cell. So we are not in the same physical body we were seven years ago. So we're going to go through seasons and cycles of this different experience. But to place on one person that they are the one is a lot of pressure. Now I'm not saying that it's not possible to find your partner like my grandparents did and ride it out right into the last breath.

Then, then they're choosing the one. But it doesn't mean it's like you are soul assigned to only be with one. It's what I'm realizing. Relationship is not about who you have the most similar interests to or even a vision of your life life. But it's like who's willing to put in the work to be with you? Because every relationship, inevitably those initial sparks will fade. And it's like who's willing to continue to show up and lean in and have the hard conversations and do the hard things and that's the relationship that will become the one, you know, and it's, it's just like with friendship too. It's like even friendships, you have to water them. And there's, there's maintenance and there's vulnerability and there's death and rebirth cycles and to continue to choose each other. And I would say the challenge of that and even that I've experienced is like we're waiting for someone to like save us and like take us out of the misery of being on our own, you know. And it's like, it's almost like sometimes I catch myself in this like living my life imagining how I will tell my future partner of like seeing my life through, through their eyes. And I'm like. And so when you said that about how we see ourselves through our parents eyes, I'm like, that's that piece of it. Of like, girl, you don't need to live through your life now thinking about how you're. It's like, sure, you can have that thought sometimes, but like, especially at the beginning, it was almost like, I can't wait to tell him about this and that. And it's like, no, it's for you, it's for you, it's not like being single is this thing that you have to get over with, and then you'll be in a partnership again and you'll be saved. It's like, realistically in our lives, we will have multiple periods of being single. Realistically, in a woman's life, she'll have a huge percentage of her life being single simply for the fact that we outlive of men, you know? So we have to be okay with that, you know? And we can't see this as this, like, void that I'm in. Right. Like, I remember people telling me, they're like, you know, you're only going to be single probably for like, a year. So, like, make the most of it right now while you can. But then when I take that on, it feels like this thing that I'm just. First of all, who knows if it's for a year? Truth. Truthfully, maybe it is for the rest of my life. I have to also be okay with that reality, you know? And then it's like, instead of, I can live my life now that I'm single, but once I get into partnership, it's going to be like me abandoning myself again. Like, I'm not going to take that on. It's like, it can only get better and it can only get truer. And I'm not going to go back into the same cage that I put myself in for love, because that's not what love is like. Anything that makes you compromise, your liberation is not love. It's suffocation in love's name.

Yeah. Love dies in constriction and grows in freedom. And what would it look like to find a love where you're both free and in the freedom, you choose each other. And I think that that is where true growth lies. And I do. I've experienced it. So I. I know that it's real. I know that it exists. And also what it's done is it's set a very high standard for myself and for anybody I choose to dance with. Because something that I've incorporated. I don't know where I heard it. I don't. It was a while ago, and it's something that has just continued to live. True for me, is that I will not share sexual energy with anyone I wouldn't wish to be.

Yes. I have been on a celibacy journey because I'm like, whoever you have sex with, you are merging in and you are taking on that. Like. And for me, I. I believe that when you have sex with someone, especially as a Woman, you do get attached. So it's like, do I want to be attached? Attached to this person? And again, I believe, do whatever you want. But I think so many of us, we think bouncing back is like, be sexually liberated and have sex with a bunch of different people. And maybe that's true for some people, but for me, it's been like cultivating my own sovereignty of knowing myself sexually without anyone else.

And sometimes also I find that the. For me personally, not saying that there's a right and wrong way of doing it, but I think the space between. Between is the actual, like, sexiest part, is like, the moments of actually falling in love with somebody's soul. And then from that place, allowing the space in between to create this charge and this build and this sexual tension and this, like, this. This genuine, deep rapture of somebody's essence. And instead of trying to fill a void that is, like, so rich and so intoxicating that if it's not that, then I love being alone to the point where I'm not trying to create anything that is not nourishing me the way that my solitude now nourishes me as I love being alone. I could stay. I could stay in my room for months. I just have to bring my friends over, bring some air. One goodies. I don't have to leave my room. So it's interesting because I also set up a new boundary on social media. Media where you can't DM me anymore, so no one's sliding into my DMs. I don't leave my house very often, and I'm riot.

Still living your best elven life.

Came over and told me about Raya. I tried to sign up, and months.

Out, they still, bro, it was a better, better not.

I was like, I'll try my thing. I'll try my thing.

Uber eats on dates. Yeah.

I didn't even get into Raya, you know, so it's like. And in within all of this, I'm not really setting myself up for a win when it comes to meeting somebody else. But what I am actually setting myself up for a win when it comes to meeting somebody else is that my solitude has become so rich and so delicious, and so I crave it. After four hours of being out of the house, you know, I'm like, can't wait to get home. I can't wait to be alone. Can't wait to run a bath. Can't wait to listen to my music. Like, can't wait to do whatever it is that I want to do in My little cave. But when it gets to that point where I don't need anything outside of me, realizing the universe doesn't give me what I want, the universe gives me who. Who I am. And who I am is being intoxicated by my own presence. Now, this is actually way more effective than hanging out in the bar down the road and just waiting for the one to be presented into my life.

I'm here. The one? Yeah. Would you like a shot? Yeah. I don't even drink, but sure. Apparently, how you meet people, exactly. Well, that's what's so hard for me. It's like, that's why I can't date. Because I'm like, I have such depth in my friendships and the people in my life that I'm like, I can't small talk with a stranger of like, so how many siblings do you have? I'm like, I don't. I went on one date with someone from Raya. This is my. My one that. I actually went on one date with someone on Raya. And it was a interrogation. They're like, from him? Are you from him? No. He's like, where'd you grow up? What did you major in? What time do you sleep? What time do you wake up? Do you take substances? No. It's like he has a list of what he's looking for and what the red flags are that, like, instead of actually getting to know the person in front of him, it's like, are you going to fit into my role of what I'm looking for for wife? And it was just like. So I'm like, answering all these questions to someone I don't even fucking know, you know? And it's like. It's like I'm applying for a job. I don't even know if I want the job yet. But I'm like, I wake up at kind of early sometimes with movies. I just like, after, I was like, why did I do that? But it's like, I don't get how people, they. They just excuse themselves and leave after 15 minutes. I just could never do that to someone. Like, there was one other date I went on a while. This was like 8 months ago or something. And I just ended up coaching him the whole time. Like, you know, like, I think I, like, gave him, like, a few, like, references of books and stuff to read. I'm just like, I don't know how to have small talk. It's like, we're going into the depths of your soul. Or, I don't know how to do this.

Would Be an I ideal question for somebody to ask you if you.

I. I feel like an ideal. So I've learned a lot that as humans, when we are faced front to front to someone, it can trigger this. Like, we're either gonna fight or we're gonna, like, fuck, you know? Whereas the way that we have actually gained attraction to people over time is by being side by side. So it's like noticing the person, like, working next to you and like, ooh, I like the way that he does this, or, ooh, I noticed him looking at me. And like, the attraction is building and building over time. And then you have like an office crush and like, that anticipation build you. He has to go on a date and it's like, you're already so bought in. And attraction and the attraction's there, whereas we don't do that now. It's like, hey, you think I'm hot, I think you're hot. And now we're face by face with zero context of each other, and we're trying to find some mutual ground. And then so it's like you're like, trying to make this, like, connection work. Whereas, like, in your life, you may not have ever met, you may have never been into the same places that it's like, I mean, I met my ex husband on, on. On Bumble, and I used to say, oh, like, I would have never met him in my normal life. Like, how amazing because of this app. And now I'm like, yeah, I would have never met him in my normal life because we don't have the same friends, we don't have the same interests. It was like, we're in different worlds. And that ended up being a huge part of why the relationship did not work, you know? So it's like, I think the apps can work just because we spend a lot of time at home and it's like, harder to meet people. But I think it puts us in this really unnatural position. Like, even flirting with someone that you haven't met yet, it's like you're expected to flirt, but you don't even know if you like them. That it's like, I can't flirt with someone's name on a picture. I don't even know if you look like your pictures.

You know, I don't even know how to flirt anymore. That part that was like, someone was like, like me flirting. And it was like two people say nature was like, so do you like raccoons? I was like, oh, my God, I feel so seen. I genuinely don't even know how to flirt. I think my flirt is. Is. Is just Genu interested in someone and that. That flirt just goes across the board. It's just, like, enamored by somebody's behavior that I. Or, like, way of being that I just want to sit next to and want to learn more about. And there's just a natural gravitational pull that there's not even. Flirting doesn't even come from the mind anymore. But it's more so just a genuine synergy. And you can either create chemistry or like, sorry, chemistry is either there or it's not. But you can't create it. Right. Like the riot thing. You just sit there and be like, so. So where's the golden thread that connects us in any kind of relatability? Well, that's.

Yeah, we found we both liked the ocean, so there was that.

The what?

The ocean.

Oh, okay.

We talked about fish for a very long time. We're like, what do you think about dolphins, sea turtles, seals? That was literally our conversation.

What about fish? Fish that sit in groups?

Your thoughts on jellyfish? Yay or nay? Like, but it was like, that's the. That's. And. And it's. I get it. Like, we. It's hard to just go out to the bar and hope you're going to meet someone. I remember being in college and, like, putting on your makeup and your outfit, like, hoping tonight you would meet the guy and, like, being so disappointed when you didn't. So it's like these dating apps maybe allow you to, like, buy back your time that you don't have to do that. But then again, it's like, I find that most people on apps don't actually been. First of all, you don't even talk for the most part. Most people on Raya match and never, ever speak. Just so you know, there's not a lot of conversation happening.

Okay, cool. So you've already been rejected before you spoke.

Well, it's because it's like. I mean, this is a whole other podcast. So it's like, as a woman, it's like, I. I desire a man to be in pursuit. So I'm not going to message you first. So if you're not messaging me, I'm not going to message you. So then you're just going to. So after 10 days, they unmatch you. So that happens a lot, that you just never talk. And then oftentimes they message you, but then you take a second look at their pictures, and then you're like, remember I showed you some of them.

You came over to my House. We went in for a hot minute.

You were like, babe, if you saw this guy in real life, I'm like, you're right. I would have never. But it was like your standards get so low because you're trying to like be open minded, you know. So then it's like for the most part they message you and then you just don't respond. So it's like for it to get to a point to have a conversation conversation. That you like the conversation enough to get on a FaceTime that you like the FaceTime enough to meet in person is a miracle. Bless you. You go on enough dates to get married, Hallelujah. I don't know how people do it. I did it once. I don't know how that would happen again.

I think it's anything worse to be stuck on a date with someone that I'm like, I'm like, no compatibility with. Like, I would be like, where's the ejection button? Like, how do I press it right now? I'd rather not even venture. I'd rather not in that situation.

And then they're like, you have to kiss a million frogs. Like, I can't. I just to stay at home and.

Order Erewhon and you know, ordering.

There's a funny meme I saw and it was like one of the Kardashians, like all glammed up in bed. And it was like me staying in bed all day waiting for someone to fall in love with me.

Relatable, you know, Totally. It's very real.

And like we have to just have trust. We have to have trust that, you know, you will meet the right person in the right time. And ideally I put believe have some mutual friends and some mutual context.

I made it, you know, I really reflected the other day and I said if I was to never meet anybody and I wasn't to have kids, right, Because I. One of my, one of my absolute joys of life were to be a mother. And if I was to never meet somebody and never have children, would I be. Would I be okay? Would I. And I reflected on my life as it is and as like I'd be more than okay. I would have such a great time. I would have creative babies instead of human babies. And I'm surrounded by beautiful humans and I love what I do. And this has not been something that has been given to me. This has been worked for for many years. But if I was to make peace with everything as it is right now, then I think that that's where the suffering happening is Born and recognizing being single and going into public spaces. And then there's the additional layer as well, of course, which is I'm, you know, hard of hearing in both my ears, so I usually wear hearing aids, but I, I get like pretty high level social anxiety, specifically in groups of any group of a public space. And then going the extra level is like dating someone, you know, and then like the little sweet whispers or the moments of conversation, not being able to hear. So there's additional layers to fear of like even interacting with somebody in general. And then like, even if I do find attraction with somebody in a public space and, and I want to connect with them, but then all of a sudden I have this wall of fear that I'm not gonna be able to hear them, so I don't spark the conversation. So there's many different layers to it. And in the same breath, I've always found that my, like, the partners that have been long lasting, deeply nourishing relationships where they've been blessed enough to have two of them, them have found me when I have been rocking my shit for me. When I first one was when I was doing an art show and I was surrounded by my friends and I had my artwork all over the walls and he walked in as a friend, as a friend's guest, and I met him and that sparked the entire relationship with, with Amir from Tribal Marcus and then with. With Andre. I was, I was rocking the Mother Tree, which is a community space, and I was rocking it with my sisters and we're hosting gatherings, and I was so in my flow. And that was, that was when we met and, and then the further relationship was when I was like really rocking it in, in the podcast world and I was stepping in on stages and I was like really bringing myself to the world of communicating and sharing, sharing my gifts the right way. So the three different things was art, community and, and public speaking, three of my dharmas, and that was how these people came into my life. So. So the indication at 3 of 3 is telling me, stay in my lane, stay in my Dharma.

Because then you're shining your light and you are that lighthouse that what is meant for you will be magnetized towards you. And you're not searching and scrolling. It's like something about even just the energy of being on these apps is there's an energy of lack that is like a collective of everyone's just like fear scrolling of like, will I find them? Will I find them? It's like that's not the energy that you would even want to enter into a relationship. And it's like through you. And it's like, I believe that that's how God design us. It's like through you living your dharma, shining your light, being in your full expression, you will have everything that you desire, including the love and having the patience and trusting that the amount of space you have in between relationships is the exact amount that you need to get the initiations that only singledom can give you.

And when we place that trust, it's the same of what I was saying before, of like the universe doesn't give you what you want. The universe to who you are are. And if you trust and if you genuinely soften, then the universe can only give you that that you trusted into. So it's weaving that of what you're emanating like a radio tower of every single 60,000 thoughts we think on average a day, they're humming at the frequency of a certain fine tuning of peace or trust. Trust in that everything is exactly as it should be, otherwise it would be different. That trust will then be met. And so it's easy to trust when you got the thing, but what would it look like to trust when you don't have the thing and you self source it for yourself and then see what comes out from it? So ultimately we're not coming because our story haven't ended yet, right? Like we're still in the middle of our story. So we're sharing from the weavings of the things that we've learned throughout heartbreak and falling in love. And when did it show up and how did it, how did it come up for us? And this is our own personal experiences. This is not the truth of the Capitol. This is close to our own individual, individual truth that we can get to. And in the same breath, we're here to be as equals with others that are on this journey of finding their beloved or finding the beloved within themselves and their relationship with trust. And if anything that can be extracted from this podcast is a deeper sense of empowerment for your own unique path. And recognize it's not about the external stimulus, it's about the feeling that the world responds to. And so what would it look like to find that self sourced sense of, of love for yourself and be in the inquiry of where it's absent, to start to be able to self source it and recognize that's the foundation of what true love is founded on. And so it seems simple and yet not very easy at all when it goes to being human on planet Earth. And yet may this podcast and Any other times where we share about this topic be merely a deeper level of inspiration to find our own true north for ourselves and that the world can respond to that.

The mantra that I was continually telling myself and as you were saying it, it was like exactly that. It's trust, flow, surrender, let go. So the song that I made is called Trust, Flow, Surrender, let go. And I would just keep telling myself, you know, because it's easy to trust when you know and it's like you can't. You just have to trust that it will happen in divine timing. Be in your flow, living your dharma. Surrender to the fact that we ultimately don't know and, and let go and, and be in the void and be in the in between. Which like you said, is the majority of life, you know. So we're tuning into the same frequency. I'm excited. Next time you're on the podcast, we'll, we'll be like we're either rappers or we're in sacred union or maybe both or maybe neither. We'll see Trustful surrender, let go. So with that, where can people connect with you, listen to your podcast and learn more from you?

So my podcast is the Deja Vu podcast. It is on all podcasting platforms. It's also on YouTube so we have video for it. We're season three right now and rocking. It's been such a beautiful journey. And also on Instagram, Blue of Earth, Blu of Earth, also Blue of Earth website which is coming soon. We're rebranding it and that the main places that that I'm going to be found the podcast is, is we're over 100 episodes in so there's a lot of content there and that's my whole entire journey while simultaneously interviewing people that have sparked inspiration in my own personal life life. And then there's the Fluorescent Sisterhood which is for women to like what we talked about. One of the main pillars of support while we're going through the what the fuck moments is sisterhood. And so myself and Reggie Riverbear who's also the co founder of Fluorescence is a modern mystery school for women. We have seven week online programs where we learn all about our gene keys and astrology and breaking down our money trauma to working with the elements of how to build your own altar. Like a whole degree of different topics. And we also have impersonal and retreats that all shared on the platform. And we also have a social media for women. We have about 500 members right now of women from all over the world where we have meetups and marketplaces where women share opportunities to share in a safe place where you're going to be celebrated for your song or for your expression or for your spoken word or whatever it is that you wish to share uncensored as an opportunity to bridge a gap between women that may not have access to sisterhood, which is one of been one of the biggest lifelines for me in my life and my growth and my development and my self awareness. That's what I'm up to.

Well, thank you so much for sharing today. You are really such an inspiration and you have like, you're a true modern day medicine woman and like every time I hear your name I'm always like I love blue so much. So I'm so grateful that you're here and thank you guys so much for listening. Please share this episode so many of us are are in the Heartbreak Portal. Whether it's fresh or whether it was years ago. It's, it's there's layers to it. So please share the episode and if you loved it, please leave a review for it in the iTunes store. And as a free gift I will send you my womb Meditation. So this is meditation to connect to your divine effem feminine portal within. So all you got to do is leave a review for the podcast, let me know what other kind of topics you would love. Take a screenshot and send it over to me@saharaamsahararose.com you can find that email and all the links mentioned today in the show. Notes. Thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next one. Trust your intuition. Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen it. So trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom. Trust you in the guidance.