522: How To Date As A Spiritual Woman Using The Gemstone Keys with Ezzie Spencer

It's so much better to just be like completely single on your own and be patient and wait than fill yourself up with whoever's available knowing that it's not. Again, if you want a long term relationship, knowing it's not going to go anywhere because that's actually energetically blocking you from finding the right person 100%, you.

Have to create the space and that.

Means the self love journey and being okay with being on your own.

Yes, absolutely. And it's interesting because with these three gemstone keys and particularly as to your point, it's like, will I ever meet anyone where I've got three out of three and you absolutely will. That is the standard to have the trifecta, you know. But it's actually very simple. So many of us actually create very convoluted, long intellectual lists. And what is the genius of this system is that there's actually only three things and they're all sourced from inside of yourself.

I'm the one I've been waiting for. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose and this podcast is all about taking spiritual concepts and making it really grounded and relatable so it can actually serve your needs. Now, a journey I have been on this past year is about love. You know, I thought I had it all figured out and turns out I did it. So here I am. And one of my dear friends who I actually had on the podcast years ago, you may have remembered her episode, Ezzy Spencer. We were talking all about lunar abundance and manifesting with the moon cycles. Well, she has had a pivot as well in the past four years and is now teaching on her concept called Re Love, which is how we can work with these different gemstone keys to ATT and maintain the types of love and relationships that we really want. So I have personally done a session with her. So she has been a coach of mine and I love bringing people on the podcast who have made an impact on my life. And she has this concept about how the reason why we don't have the love that we want in our lives or even maybe you're in a relationship, but you're not quite getting to the depths of intimacy and connection and vulnerability that you really desire. And the reason why is because we have these special splinters. So splinters are these little subconscious blocks. Maybe it's a limiting belief that you have or something that you're afraid of losing or even an oath that you made for yourself. You know, one of mine in our session was I said something along the lines of I will never feel this way again. And when we say things like that, our words are our wands and we create spells. So I created a spell that my spirit guides were like, oh, you never want to feel like this again, so let's block all men from you. And I'm just like, what's? And so she helped me see that I had literally created this, like, this, like, force field of protection around myself because I never wanted to feel that hurt again. And then when I was able to remove the splinters, it opened up more possibility for me. So we're going to be talking about what these gemstone keys are, how to open yourself up to love, how a lot of what we're experiencing in the physical is related to the energetic and so much more. So welcome, Ezzy, to the Highest self podcast. So good to have you back.

It is such a pleasure to be here again.

And the first question I would love to ask you is, what makes you your highest self?

When I'm on the path of spiritual growth, if I look at every single decision that I've made in my life, professional and personal, if I track back, what is the motivation underneath that, what is it that I am really questing? And it's spiritual growth every time.

Trust flows Flow soon to let go Trust flow Soon to let go do you hear this voice right here? That's my voice. Yes. I've become a Persian pop star. I am so excited to share with you my debut song that was produced, written, and performed by me called trust flow. So this song is an affirmation that I kept telling myself the year after my divorce when I was faced with so much uncertainty. Trust flow Surrender, let go. And if you know me, I love afrobeats music. I love dancing and whining and having a good time. But I wanted to to create something that I felt good about putting into my consciousness, and that's really what all of my music is about. Creating music that you want to get stuck in your head that's raising your vibration. So I'm so excited to share with you my new song, Trust flow. You can download it and stream it on Spotify, Apple itunes, soundcloud, wherever you listen to music. I got a music video on YouTube and I'm so excited to share a piece of my heart with you and let this be your permission slip that you can evolve and you can allow new iterations of your dharma, your soul's purpose to come through. So stream Trust Flow wherever you are and share with me a reel of you dancing along to it. On your Instagram. So I can see, share and celebrate you. You can find the direct link to the song in the show notes. Everything always comes back to that, especially love and relationships. And I feel like a lot of us, we get really caught up in these like dating books of like, you know, and some of them are actually quite good. You can, you can get some good out of it, like why men love bitches and like, he's just not that into you. Like, these are like the old school 2000s books I remember. And it's like you can get like confidence and things like that from it, but then it turns dating and relationships into like this really heady intellectual game, which is not what we want because eventually our full truth comes out. And it's like, are you really trying to attract a relationship with someone who is, you know, falling for this falsified version of you that eventually the walls will come down and then, you know, when your true self state comes, is the relationship going to stay? So let's talk about these gemstone keys that you have. I love them because they're related to different crystals. So what are they and how, how are they, you know, part of this relove system that you have of allowing us to decide who we even enter into our energetic field.

Yeah, I love it. Because what we are really starting with, with the gemstone keys is what has us come alive in the absence of anybody else. So whenever I'm working with someone, I ask them to pause if they're dating and to come inside of themselves and to pay attention to three particular. Each one represented by one of the three gemstone keys, which ultimately will unlock our enchanted interior. And this is something which is so sacred, we want to be so conscious about who we are allowing access to ourselves. They really need to meet us in these three important ways as a starting point. And so the first one is the rose quartz key, which is all about emotional attraction. And so what is it that you find emotionally attractive and what is going to be an emotional turnoff for you?

Right.

And so that is going to ultimately create the conditions of emotional and psychological safety where you can deepen into romantic love with someone for the long term.

So the first thing, when you meet someone new, you look at, how am I emotionally? First of all, you decide for yourself, what does emotional intimacy look like for me? What are my emotional turn ons and turns off? And this is all under the rose quartz key.

Exactly right. So an example of what it is that you may find emotionally attractive is someone who is kind, someone who Is emotionally mature, something that may be emotionally unattractive to you, a turn off where you just know it doesn't work for you if someone has anger management issues, if someone is aggressive. And so if you are identifying that for yourself in the very first instance before you put yourself out there, then you know what to look for in those very early phases. Then we have the Ruby Key which is really important. And it's one of the things where oftentimes when people start to date sincerely, like I want to date for marriage or I want to find my life partner, they start to look at what may look good on paper or what might be safe if they've been hurt in the past, which is totally understandable. But we do need the Ruby Key which is about physical attraction. It's going to be an essential ingredient in terms of a sustainable physical attraction and sexuality. Right? Exactly. Right, yes. So what turns you on and you need to feel that inside of your body and you need to be honest with yourself about what actually turns you on. Right. So for example, if if you like somebody who's really grounded in their masculinity, you know, if you're dating men and what it is that you want is somebody who really like inhabits their masculinity, someone who holds themself in the world, you know, then own and claim that that is going to be essential for you to have the Ruby Key present. And again, always be looking at what are going to be the turnoffs as well. So you're honest with yourself if you need someone to be really established in their lives in order for you to actually feel turned on. Not something that you mentally want to have, but that's something that you need to actually feel attracted to someone in your own body. Then make sure that you're filtering for that in the early phases because otherwise whatever situation you're in, once the hormones start to fade, it's not going to be sustainable if the Ruby Key isn't present.

And I think this is so important because we often think that sexual attraction has to do with someone's physical appearance only of like, oh, this person looks good, they have a six pack or whatever the thing is. But so much of what the feminine desires is is that safety and that security and that ability to surrender and let go. And if a man isn't grounded in his masculinity, it's impossible to actually reach those levels no matter what he looks like. So that was a huge lesson that I got from our session together that my Ruby was really related to me almost like, feeling inspired by a man and feeling like I could look up to them and that I could trust them. And no matter what they looked like, if that wasn't there, I would never be sexually attracted to that person. So then it made me shift of like, oh, these aren't nice to have things of, like, someone who, you know, has success in their lives or whatever. The thing is, I'm like, that's actually a baseline requirement for me to have any form of sexual attraction.

Exactly. So stripping back any external conditioning where we feel like, oh, well, we should be the nice girl or we should give someone a chance.

Right. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Or, you know, we try to convince ourselves of like, yeah, he seems nice, he seems safe. But, you know, and I think you're. Who you are attracted to does change as well as you heal, as you learn lessons that it's not necessarily, you know, the quintessential, like, wounded feminine is going after the bad boy because they haven't integrated the darkness within themselves. But this is quite different of, you know, a maiden's ruby might be very turned on by the bad boy because she's like, ooh, what's that mystery over there? Or the famous celebrity or who the super rich guy. But then as you get more integrated, you learn what it is for you. Like, I'm gonna assume I don't know yours, but I'm gonna assume has to do something with, like, acts of service, because your partner seems to do a lot of acts of service. Like, he's like, baking you like croissants today and, like, drives you around. And was yours. Is your ruby related to that?

Well, it's really interesting because for me, that was really in the rose quartz key, which is that I wanted to be cherished. That was going to be necessary for me. The rose quartz key present. And that's how I feel that being cherished and adored is the beautiful ways that he shows up. And you're spot on. His love language is acts of service, which is a lovely one to select for if that's going to be true for you. But, yes, my ruby key was really, again, like something internal to me. Something which really had me come alive inside of my body and which I knew worked for me over time was having a man who was really a man who'd walked in his own shadows, he had met his own darkness, and he was able to hold himself and show up and then step into the pursuit role with me. So even though he plays like, in some of the more like traditional gender Roles. He almost plays the feminine. Right. In the sense that he takes care of the house and, you know, he cooks all the meals. And I almost feel a bit embarrassed sometimes sharing how much he actually does for me. And I'm so grateful for it. But it was what I was actively creating for reasons that we can get in into later around my splinters and so forth. But in terms of him really stepping into that role and taking the initiative, that was what was essential for me to have the Rubik key present. And he has that in spades.

In spades. What does that mean? A lot. Okay, we'll get into that. So then let's talk about the third one, the opal.

Yeah. So the opal key is something which is really ultimately going to lead to that sense of companionship. And I pointed to the mind because. Because there's that feeling of having the conversational chemistry and having an intellectual connection. You know, I'm a sapiosexual. I suspect you are very old. That needs to be present. We need to.

What does sapiosexual mean for people who don't know?

Yeah, it's something which speaks into a turn on that comes through having an intellectual connection. You need to be able to talk with your partner. We have a beautiful morning ritual of coffee, couch, where we sit down and we start every single morning together, even if it's only 10 minutes drinking coffee, but connecting with each other on the mental level. And for me, that's essential in terms of having that sense of companionship or friendship or that feeling of belonging with somebody. In terms of. Then what would be the turnoff for the opal key? What are some of the things that you want to be filtering for in the first instance? It's like, you know, is someone not great with communication? You know, do you get bored in talking to someone? They could be the most unbelievably attractive person, and your body may be firing on all cylinders, but you do need to have. Have all three of those gemstone keys present with the same person at the same time before you let someone into your secret garden, your enchanted interior.

I'm like, girl, is that even possible? No.

Settle for nothing.

So I love that. So we have the rose quartz, which is your emotional connection with them. And first, defining what that is for you. Your ruby, which is what turns you on and off. And then your opal, which is what allows you to feel companionship for certain people. For me, I realized I love music, you know, so if I don't share a musical connection with someone in some type of way it's gonna be hard for me to build a relationship with them. Cause it's like I almost like I, I just start bringing out into song all the time. I send people songs, I dj, I produce. Like it's like all of these things. So that is a part of my opal that they don't need to necessarily like, you know, be a DJ or something. But to have some sort of musicality, appreciation for music, at least one of the genres that I listen to, I feel is an essential part of my connection 100%.

Because it's not going to be a sustainable long term relationship for you if that's not present. So I love that you claim that.

Yeah. And I think it's like to drop the scarcity mindset that a lot of us have of like, well, I'm lonely right now and this is who's here. And I know he doesn't have this gemstone key, but I'll keep him around until I find someone who does. And I see so many women do this. And guess what? You're not going out on the weekends and meeting people when you have your situationship going on. You're not even energetically open. Like I have a friend of mine who's just kind of back and forth with someone who's definitely not her partner, but it's like there's no one else. That's her excuse. But then she's always like up and down and sometimes she's really upset about it that I'm like, imagine you're at the gym and someone saw you right now. Like they could visibly tell that you're not doing well. Like they're not going to come up to you and start flirting with you because you're, you're in this thing with this person. So it's like we don't realize how much the people we allow allow into our lives affect our energy. That it's so much better to just be like completely single on your own and be patient and wait than fill yourself up with whoever's available knowing that it's not. Again, if you want a long term relationship knowing it's not going to go anywhere because that's actually energetically blocking you from finding the right person 100%.

You have to create the space and.

That means the self love journey and being okay with being on your own.

Yes, absolutely. And it's interesting because with these three gemstone keys and particularly as to your point, it's like, will I ever meet anyone where I've got three out of three and you absolutely will. That is the standard to have the trifecta, you know. But it's actually very simple. So many of us actually create very convoluted, long intellectual lists. And what is the genius of this system is that there's actually only three things and they're all sourced from inside of yourself. So when you're connected inside of yourself with these three things, when you have your own connection to your opal key, to your rose quartz key, to your ruby key, it actually has an amplifying effect. It opens up the space and it almost puts out like an energetic heart flare to the universe. And people will come in when we've got the blocks and the guards down. And you feel very powerful with having a simple filtering system so you can stay open and available and have fun in the dating process. God forbid. Having fun in the. What a concept.

Don't know what that's like. But I hold the possibility because I need to actually sit down and do your method and put it to action. So with that, and you'll share this, you have a whole like spreadsheet. I'm like, how do you guys date enough people to fill out a freaking spreadsheet? But goals, babe, goals. All right, so you take them through these three gemstone keys and then there are the three V's. What are these V's?

Beautiful. So when you get to know someone a little bit better, when you're really exploring deeper intimacy and the prospect of building a life with someone, you also want to ensure that you have aligned values, an aligned vision for your life together and what I call an aligned veneer. And you know, for the purposes of alliteration, to have the three keys and the three V's. Veneer essentially refers to, you know, the laminate that's on the top of wood, meaning that it's the cherry on top. Essentially you want to have shared interest, shared hobbies, you want to have the day to day lifestyle that's going to be compatible with each other. So you don't need to have identical values, you don't need to be sitting there privately manifesting the exact same thing for the future. But there does need to be alignment.

So the first one is values. So do you suggest we write down a list of our values?

Yeah, I think it can be really helpful to identify your top three values and to even do that in order.

Just top three, top three.

And that's going to have you swept. And the reason for that is that we want you to be really in.

Our lives or in a relationship.

You can do it in terms of your relationship in terms of this exercise.

So what are some examples? Like what are yours?

Yeah, exactly. So love, it doesn't need to be particularly, you know, unique or innovative. Love care, care for each other, care for ourselves, as well as care for the planet as well as innovation. Wanting to do things differently. Wanting to chart the path forward in a way that's going to be unique, but also in a way that's going to break the patterns for both myself and my partner. Wanting to break patterns that we have inherited that are not actually in alignment with our highest truth.

I love that. Now I need to sit and think of what my three would be. That's a beautiful one. So the after you do vision. So what does vision mean?

Yeah, so an alignment in vision would just be to ensure that you're on the same page about what it is that you want to create in your life. So, for example, if you desperately want to be a parent, then ensure you don't need to like ask this on the very first video date. Right. You know, but at some point you need to be having the important conversations to make sure that your potential partner isn't categorily categorically opposed to having children. Right. So if part of your shared vision is around being of service to humanity and you'd like to create something not just in terms of the family you're creating together, but you want to create something that's going to have a positive impact on the planet, then that's something that you're going to want to be bringing forwards in the earlier conversations with a potential partner to ensure. Are they on the same page or do they just want to have sort of a relaxation, relaxed, easy life? Nothing wrong with that. But is there alignment in terms of what it is that you're consciously creating for your life? Are they on the same map as you?

And I think what's challenging about that for so many of us is we, we feel like we're going to convince that person that they're going to change and like align with our vision. And the thing is, it's like someone's vision of life is the most sacred thing to them. We can't expect it might change. You know, even your vision may and probably will change over time. Some people want to have children when they enter into a relationship and then something change, changes and they don't. I think that's where it can get tricky sometimes too, because a relationship is two ever changing people. But I know for myself, my kind of big life vision is I'm going to live in the jungle in, like, Bali and Costa Rica with, like, drums and waterfalls and, like, be connected to the earth and this tribal way of living and be of service and build schools and build orphanages and make this big global impact. I've always known that about myself. But when I would speak to my ex about his vision, it was like, totally is like, I want to live in, like, Ibiza and go to, like, tech house clubs, and like, that's his highest excitement. That's not my highest excitement at all. So then we would get to these conversations of, like, wow, we actually want totally different things in our lives. But when the love is there, you're like, you don't want to lose that person, but it's like, love versus, like, your life. And that's, you know, I feel like that's the beauty of conscious uncoupling is to be like, maybe there's nothing wrong with you, there's nothing wrong with me. We just have different visions 100%.

And you mentioned the spreadsheet before, and this is a very useful tool when the love is so strong with somebody, because what I always encourage my clients to do is to be real with themselves and what their true vision was before they met that person. Right? So they're not retrofitting their entire life journey to what's going to suit somebody else. And so it is important when we get to the three V's where we are really looking at what we said was important to us. We're using the spreadsheet as a guideline for ourselves because everything might be fine in those early days, but if there isn't alignment on those big important things, then it's likely that's going to lead to bitterness and resentment down the track and a whole host of other problems.

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Yeah, yeah.

So then the third one, veneers. How do we look at that?

Yeah. So out of all of these six things, the veneer is probably the only one that may be a little more influenceable, which is important to keep in mind. Right. So veneer lifestyle. And you want to be looking at someone. So for example, if you have a healthy, conscious, spiritual lifestyle, you've got to be real with yourself. If the person that you're dating really enjoys taking substances and partying all night, it seems so basic. But that's probably an example of where you're not really going to be able to influence them. But if someone maybe has a value of, say, innovation in their lives and they are inspired by a healthy lifestyle, they may step up to the plate and start to exercise with you more. For example, need to be fairly in alignment with the veneers. You don't want to be in a position where you loathe somebody's friends because it's not fair to ask someone to change their entire friendship group. You know, you want to ensure that you can at least get along with some of the important people in their life. Because after you've been with someone for a little while, the day to day starts to become really important.

I think that's so important. Look at their friends. Would you want to hang out with these people? Because someone's friends are a huge reflection of them and if you don't like any of their friends, well, chances are you don't value their decisions, you don't value the same things in life. And yeah, and also just like interests. I've always in the past dated people with very different interests and different lifestyles from me because of the. Maybe like the polarity of that. But then it also always ended up being the problem of it as well, of like we didn't have shared friends and we didn't. So it was always like my world or their world, but it was hard to find a shared world. And that's something that I don't want to repeat in the future of like having someone who, who just naturally likes to do the kind of the same things that I do. Because that probably shows our values are similar and our vision is similar. Because the veneers are actually just like the most surface level reflection of these things.

100%.

Yes. Okay, so you mentioned something about spade. What does this mean that your partner is a spade?

Oh, well, I meant by that I think he has it in spades. I think I said, which is that he has an incredible capacity to step up to the plate and make things happen. So he is the person that will pursue. He pursued me, he initiates, he activates. And this comes back to the ruby key. For me, that was going to be essential for the ruby to be present. And so he definitely had a lot that got my Ruby key going in the early days.

Okay, got it. So a spade is just someone who stands out.

Yeah. And so, and maybe please excuse my Australian idiom to say he has it in spades means that, like, he had a lot, he had an abundance of that quality.

Okay, got it. Okay, cool. So let's talk about splinters. Now, what is this concept of having splinters and how do we know if we have them and what area they're in?

Yeah, great question. So the splinter is often the root cause that is preventing us from creating the love that we want. And so the splinter is really how life or challenging experiences that we've had in our love life and other parts of our life as well has pierced us, pierced our very being. And as a result of that, we adapt ourselves around that. So you know, the metaphor is literally, imagine you're stepping on a splinter. You get a splinter in your little toe, you start to limp. If you don't have the tools to take out that splinter right away. And over time, that limp is going to cause pain in your hip, pain in your shoulder. Suddenly you've got awful back and neck pain, and you're like, oh, my gosh, you know, life is awful. You know, there must be this terrible thing that's happened. And look, an example of a splinter might have been in a previous relationship. You might have been badly treated. There might have been a betrayal. These are examples of splinters. So it's not to belittle. Like, the splinter is always going to be painful. It's always going to pierce you on some level. However, what we then do as a natural reflex, because we're human and we don't want to experience pain, is that we can make an unconscious agreement with ourselves to stay safe. For example, we might make what I call unconscious vows. So we might make an unconscious vow to stay single in order to protect our heart. Totally understandable at the time, right? Because we never want to feel the pain that we felt at the time again. However, the problem is, you fast track six months, six years down the track, and you have got a conscious desire to now be in a healthy, loving, intimate partnership again. So you want it. However, no matter how much you say that you want it, no matter how much action you take, no matter how many New Moon intentions you set and how much manifesting you do, you cannot seem to meet anybody who is interesting to you or you're only attracted to unavailable people. Now, that is the point. If that's happening over and over and over, if you're saying you want one thing in terms of love, in terms of anything, but in terms of love, and you're only attracting unavailable people, or nobody that's coming into your field is actually really a match in terms of, say, having the three gemstone keys. That's a sign that you have a splitter, and that's a sign to do some of the deeper work. Most people at that point will say, well, hang on a sec, maybe love just isn't for me. Maybe I'm too late. Maybe all the good ones are taken. Maybe the dating apps have totally destroyed romance forever. It's just not true. I've helped women from their 20s to their 60s in so many different countries, in small towns and big cities, to take out their splinters, and suddenly it's like night and day. They're attracting aligned people with the gemstone keys into their field. So it can be very powerful, very efficient. To get down to the root. However, it takes, like, a willingness to go.

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Absolutely. And that's what ends up being the invisible energetic shield where the very thing that is keeping us safe. Safe. And I love that you've said that because it's always an act of self care to want to protect ourselves. But the very thing that's keeping us safe is also the very thing that is keeping out what our heart is yearning for, that beautiful connection.

So you have three categories of splinters. What are these categories?

Yeah, so when I look at somebody, I can really see three channels, Three energetic channels, if you will. So the power channel is on someone's right side, the love channel runs down the middle, and then the peace channel runs down the left, left hand side. And there are different types of emotions that are at play in each one of these channels. And splinters could happen in each one of these channels. So of course, if we have a splinter in our love channel, if we're having difficulty in love, you know, the instinct would be to go straight to, well, what's happening inside of the love channel. Right. And that intuition may be correct, but sometimes there's also splinters in the power channel. And I see this, that's where mine. Exactly right. Yes, exactly right. And so one of the indicators that we have a splinter in the power channel is when we're experiencing fear or when we're experiencing anger.

So power channel is related to anger, hurt, betrayal. Love channel is related to worth. Worth, yes.

And so an indicator that you have a splinter in your love channel is when you are feeling guilty. Say for example, oh, I feel, you know, guilty. If I've got such an amazing life, if I have love as well, then it's almost like I'll be too lucky, things are too good, I don't deserve that. Or. And this goes really down into the root. And this was what was actually operating for me, right down in the root was almost a sense of shame. Like who am I to receive devotion, to be cherished, to be adored? I feel ashamed in a very deep way. That was my past experience before I took out my. My love's part.

And then what's the third one?

So in the peace channel, it can be grief.

Grief is like missing your ex.

Grief can be missing the ex, but it can often be a grief of an action that you have taken. So for example, it could be a feeling of grief for some people that they chose to spend so many years for Someone who didn't treat them well. So it can be a grief around, around self abandonment. That can be a very deep one.

Okay, so feeling like you're almost in a way angry at yourself, you know, so yeah, that's interesting because it's like the internalized version of the power one.

Yes, yes, it's a great way of putting it.

So now can you guide us through a DIY splinter removal process? If we're kind of like, I wonder which one I have and maybe we can start to identify which one and how we can remove them.

Yeah, I love that. And so the very first way to come into to this is to identify. Well, firstly, do I want something in life, do I want a relationship or do I want a depth or quality of love inside of my existing relationship that I'm not experiencing? So identify like what is the challenge that you are currently experiencing? Right. Because that's the indicator that there's a splinter underneath to attend to. Then once you've identified the challenge, go a layer deeper to identify the specific emotion that you are experiencing. Or at least it's a top layer because there can sometimes be multiple layers of emotions. Right. But we want to do each emotion one by one. And so an example based on, based on what I was showing before is like I feel angry at myself for abandoning myself inside of that relationship, say choosing someone in the past that wasn't actually a match or staying inside of a relationship for longer than deep down I knew that I should. So imagine that that is the emotion obviously choosing. You know, if you're doing this at home, choose an emotion which is, that.

Would be a peace one.

Well, anger actually is in the power channel and so. But there could actually be another splinter underneath that if there is a feeling of unresolved grief.

So how many splinters can we have?

There's usually one or two big ones. I find if there's been a major heartbreak, then there can be one or two big ones, but sometimes there's actually just one. It really just depends on what your personal experience has been.

Okay, so identify the emotion. Is it the anger, Is it the worthiness or is it the grief?

Yes.

And then what do we do?

Yeah. And so from there we want to apply the formula, three part formula of self compassion, self forgiveness and gratitude. And this is the way that we're actually going to draw the splinter out. One of things I love about this method is that it's not about going digging with tweezers to continue the metaphor for pain. It's about just meeting what it is that you're currently feeling and then opening yourself through the power of the heart to draw the splinter out. So I'll give you an example of what that might actually look like and what that might feel like because again, very feminine practice. This is somatic, this is embodied. We want to be feeling that self compassion, the self forgiveness and the gratitude inside of our body. This is, is not an intellectual exercise. And so just say you're feeling the sense of anger, let's do grief. You know, you're feeling that feeling of grief of having abandoned yourself inside of a previous relationship. That's the top line emotion that you've identified. What you want to then do is use the words I feel compassion with myself while breathing in and actually feeling the physical sensations of that compassion, breathing in through your nose, breathing down into your heart center, feeling the melting and the opening inside of your heart. And to say why you feel compassion with, with yourself. So an example of that may be I feel compassion with myself because I didn't know that it was possible to receive quality, healthy love. My experience of love in the past was that love was painful, love was hurtful, that was what was familiar for me. And so I felt compassion with myself for just playing out those old patterns from the past and really allowing yourself to again feel that compassion, you know, inside of your body, breathing in until you feel it. And you can continue to use different words until you find something that's really landing and touching a nerve for you. And then moving on to the second part of the formula, which is self forgiveness. And so again, breathing in through the nose, coming down into your heart center and saying to yourself, I forgive you. Forgive myself for not feeling worthy of receiving healthy love, of not being cherished, of not being respected, of not being adored as I absolutely deserve to be. I forgive myself for tolerating that or being in that situation because I didn't have the healthy imprinting, because I didn't have the tools. It's not my fault. Nobody taught me. In fact, there's a lot of collective patterning which is to the contrary, you know, of that. So I forgive myself. It's not my fault. And then ultimately we want to move over to gratitude. And here we want to speak into existence the path we are now choosing for ourselves moving forward. And so an example of that may be I feel grateful for my willingness to break this pattern, not just for myself, but inside of my entire lineage. I feel grateful for my determination and my tenacity to continue to walk forwards. The whispers of, of my Heart into reality. Because I know that is true and I know that is available for me. And here you can really feel here the physical sensations. You want to keep talking into it until you can really feel your body activate and come alive. Because this is how we're extracting the splinter. Right? This is how we're using the power of the open heart to magnetize a splinter out. I feel grateful for my courage in going into these painful parts of myself and learning how to tend to my own heart, how to mother myself in this way. Then from that place, once you've gone through that formula, the self compassion, the self forgiveness and the gratitude, ultimately where we want to end is our true state. And in our true state, we're all in a place of self love and wholeness, personal power, inner peace and coherence. Each one of us is here. That's our essence. Right. What we're doing is we're just taking out anything that isn't in impediment to that. Yeah. And so into the true state again, you want to be speaking into existence. What is the life that you are choosing to create for yourself as a powerful creator, moving forwards. And say, for example, if where you started was, I feel grief because of the way that I abandoned myself, we want to reverse that in the true state. And what's on the other side of grief, it's joy. And so our capacity to be able to feel and expand into joy is directly related to our ability to feel what is true and real for us underneath the surface. Right? So once you feel all the things you feel, the grief, you take yourself through this process and speak into existence your true state, which is that I feel ecstatic joy at my incredible ability to be able to co create a beautiful, amazing, sacred, divine union with somebody who loves me and cares for me and cherishes me, who adores me in the way that I adore them. Someone with whom I can build the most unbelievable life. Together, we can make our wildest dreams come true. We can have the electric ruby situation. We can expand into beautiful emotional love and intimacy. And we can heal people around us in the same way that we are healing ourselves.

So beautifully said. Wow. I was like, I was with you on a journey with that. I'm curious, what was yours? Because you're in this beautiful relationship now. What was your splinter and what was that forgiveness, compassion process for you?

Yeah, great question. So I had a power splinter. Actually, similarly so. And interestingly for me, my power splinter was around feeling like if I was in a relationship, then I Would lose my service to the world. So I knew my mission for the world, my reason for incarnation, I always knew was to be a spiritual service for the world. I've known that ever since I was a little girl. That is just what is true for me. And so I had a terror. Actually. It wasn't even just a fear, but this was a terror that I had that if I went into a romantic relationship, I would lose myself. And losing myself was existential. Right. Because then I would also lose my entire reason for incarnation. That was my truth. Yeah. And so once I found that splinter inside of myself, I was like, whoa, okay, I need to attend to this. And I actually sat in meditation for three days distilling this formula which I've just shared. It didn't come out easily or swiftly for me the first time. I was really working with different things until it came out to the surface. And when I was in that place, and of course, when we take a splinter out of our power channel, we're in a place of personal power and embodiment. I was returned to my true state, My truth of being a sovereign being and a powerful creator, Someone who could co create a relationship with someone who was also going to be in service to what was important for me.

So first of all, how did you know you had the splinter?

Yeah, great question. So I felt it was really interesting. So the way that I knew that I had the splinter is that I was in unavailable after unavailable after unavailable situationship. Every single person that I connected with, who I wanted to be in relationship with, somehow ended up being either emotionally unavailable or they had a secret girlfriend or whatever. It was like a different disguise each time. And this went on for many, many years. In fact, you know, I had relationships have been a major problem for me or were historically a major problem for me. My first career was as a human rights lawyer. I worked with domestic violence and sexual assault. I did my ph and therapeutic jurisprudence, which is all about the law is healing for women who've been subjected to abuse. So I had a long and difficult history in terms of like, professional work that I was doing. But then also in terms of the relationships I was choosing in my personal life, I continued to choose people who were either unavailable or just were not a match for what it is that I wanted to create. So the pattern was really obvious. For anyone who was looking at me. It's like, how are you getting this so wrong again and again and again? Right. So that was the starting point. And then I was working very much an amazing teacher and I was working very much with compassionate forgiveness and untangling all kinds of difficult relationships that I'd had in this lifetime. And then also before this lifetime and I came to a place of self resolution and a relationship came so close to me that I could actually like touch it. And that was the point at which firstly, I completely self sabotaged that situation. And secondly, I was plunged into despair. And my question for myself was, in fact, I was plunged into despair before I self sabotaged. Right. So my question for myself, myself was, why is it that the minute that the thing that I said that I wanted has come right up close to me is the moment that I felt the worst? And that was the point at which I recognized that I was hitting up against a splinter. And I say a splinter because that's literally how it felt for me, energetically inside of myself. And so that's when I took myself into that three day meditation and I sat down and the self love is really the greatest healer, I think, for many of us. And what does self love look like in practice? For me, it looked like feeling self compassion and self forgiveness in the way that I just described. So that's how I got that splinter out. That's how I recognized that I had that splinter in the first place. And what happened for me after I took that splinter out was profound. Like my entire life changed, you know, that energetic wall which I had had up. And you referred to that yourself, like suddenly it was almost like a recalibration celebration period that occurred because suddenly everybody that was showing up in my life wanted to commit to me. And I was so shocked by that experience at the same time as, you know, also, like, could it be this good? Like, can dating be this fun? Can we experience courtship in the modern moment? And it was a very big yes for me. And I had the time of my life working with the gemstone keys and really having a lot of fun dating, you know, before stepping into a relationship with my partner.

So when you were in the three day meditation, can you tell us a little bit about how were you practicing self forgiveness and compassion in a way that it actually made such a ripple effect in your life? Because I feel like sometimes we say these things like I forgive myself, but it doesn't really land and do anything.

Yeah, great question. I really had to feel it inside of my body. And now as someone who used to be a lawyer, like really good at living for from the neck up, right. And so actually allowing myself to feel not just the self forgiveness, but feeling the emotions underneath the surface. And these were emotions that I personally was directing inwards because of actions that I had taken in the past. So I was feeling the self forgiveness for myself, allowing myself to feel what was actually true and live for me. These dormant emotions where before I was so scared of feeling anything because I thought I would drown if I opened up the door to that grief, if I opened up the door to the fear, I thought I would be completely engulfed and overwhelmed. And so this is why it took me three days. Now you can do what it is that I just shared in 10 minutes at home, you know, in terms of the formula. But I really allowed myself, probably for the first time in my life, to really go there and feel the feeling, but so importantly, to feel that sense of compassion and forgiveness, to allow myself off the hook, to allow myself to see that some of the things that I was blaming myself for weren't my fault. Now, of course, we all do want to take personal responsibility. That's, you know, that's obviously going to be essential in terms of stepping into your power, integrity and sovereignty. But the issue was, for me, and for many of the people that I work with, is that they tend to take over responsibility, ability. They tend to take on the burdens of their ancestors. And that feeling of guilt and shame, particularly if it is in the love Channel as well. They take it on as if it's true and right and part of what reality really is. And sometimes when we've been born with these feelings, if we've inherited splinters, if we've inherited experiences, whether through our ancestry or through our past lives, or if we're taking things in from the collective unconscious, if that has shaped the way that we have seen reality for our entire lives, we think that is the only way things can be. And why wouldn't we think that? It makes perfect sense. And so being willing to see that what your mind thinks is truth and fact could potentially be slanted logic, which is existing in order to keep us safe, but might also be having us, like in the tributary, you know, swimming alongside, you know, the main river, to just be open to the possibility that there could be something greater available for us. It takes a huge amount of humility to see that maybe we might have got it wrong. And then to go into the places of feeling our way through that emotional alchemical process to then open up the flow that's really available for us.

I think the ancestral piece is so huge because we don't realize how many of the obstacles we experience in this lifetime, especially in relationship, our relationship related to repeated traumas in our ancestral lineage. And we all have them. You know, very few of us had healthy relationships in our families. You know, very few of us saw, not only saw role models of it, but our grandparents, great grandparents. Like in my personal lineage, almost every woman besides my literal parents were enforced child marriages. That's just what happened in Iran. So including my grandma to my grandfather. So of course there's going to be deep levels of pain of woman taking on the shame of a man, of woman feeling abused, abandoned, like a piece of property because she was a piece of property in many ways. You know, and, and that was something that sometimes we think, oh, that was like a long time ago. But your grandparents, your great grandparents, it was not that long ago. Those were who influenced your own parents. And that affects the epigenetics and our DNA and our ability to feel safe in a relationship. So I know I had to relive some of these ancestral traumas in this lifetime to say it stops with me and this is not going to continue anymore. And that's why I feel so called to create an example of what true healed sacred union can look like, especially for my Persian link lineage, because very few of these examples existed. And that's the beauty of it is then we can change the epigenetics of our lineage to be one of love.

I just got chills.

Yes. And I feel you with the over responsibility that has been a huge thing for me in my life of just like, well, I'm the only one who's even cognizant of the greater factors going on, whether it was like me as a kid with my parents and like, like, you know, I would see all their shadows and be the responsible one and be like their, their marriage counselor and you know, but then so many of us who are naturally empaths, who are spiritual, who are able to feel into other things, often started that way because we were that over responsible child. So then when something happens in a relationship, the other person likely is, is gaslighting you, not taking responsibility. So then we make it our thing. Well, what does it say about me? How did I get into this? And, and it's true, it takes two to tango. But sometimes your piece to tango is you being a people pleaser and you allowing this behavior or you being in your maiden energy and turning a blind eye or wishful thinking. For a lot of women, it's living in fantasy thinking that is a huge thing of like, you know, one day is going to change or, or barely knowing someone and not even Going on a date and already creating this fantasy about how your life is going to turn out with them. And it's like we've grown up with the Disney princess conditioning. Maybe that's why I wrote the word princess. I was like writing down notes. I wrote that. I was like, what did. I mean? I'm like, that's probably it. Myself included. It's like we're all waiting for the perfect person to come and sweep us off of our feet and for there to be no problems in a relationship. And that doesn't exist either. And then sometimes we want that fantasy so bad that you don't even look at the red flags because you're like, well, that can't happen in my fantasy world. So I'm gonna just keep on holding on. And I see a lot of people, especially spiritual women in these relationships where they pride themselves on the, their loyalty and they pride themselves on the fact that like, I can get through anything. And that's what commitment, that's what marriage is. But it's maybe you have a hard time just communicating what you need because you're afraid of the abandonment that might happen as a result. So you're in this relationship where you're not being fully met. And if you're in a relationship that you're not being fully met, you're not being fully met to yourself in your life because you can't be fully living your Dharma and having this half assed relationship. It just can't. I mean, I've witnessed such a shift in myself after my divorce of like full expression that I'm like, wow. If being in a relationship with a different person or no person makes such a difference in every other area of my life. Like imagine, you know, people who are in abusive relationships, toxic relationship, I can't even imagine what that could be like and how detrimental that is just for their light shining. So it's like sometimes we think of relationship as a separate category, but I see it all as deeply interconnected. And it's like the water you drink, are you drinking polluted water or pristine crystal, Crystal, opal, rose quartz, ruby infused water. And that's really the difference that it makes.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, everything in our life is, is, is really an expression of the way that we feel about cells. And when we do heal our relationship with ourselves, you know, the ripple effects are going to be 360. It's going to have a positive impact in every single relationship in our lives as well as every single expression of ourselves in the world.

It is so true. And I believe that healthy love is the most healing thing we can do for this planet. Just to show examples of it, you know, because I do think maybe it is my splinter, but I feel that romance is not as valued in this day and age. Love is not as valued in this day and age as. As maybe it once was again. I don't. I don't know. Those are just my past lives as. As a romantic influence. But I feel when we can have examples of that and create that today we heal the world. And when sacred union partners come together for their shared dharma, it's like they can create something that only those two people with those two unique gifts and those two interests and those two boundaries, backgrounds, only their combination can create. And I believe that's the highest expression of what a relationship is, is that dharmic relationship that is here to be of service for the planet, for something so much greater.

It is so powerful. I'm definitely. I'm holding this vision because I know it's happening.

Yes, I'll keep you posted. Well, where can listeners connect with you and learn more about doing the relove program?

Yeah, so my website is ezzyspencer.com and my Instagram is Ezzy Spencer. So you spell that. E Z, Z I, E, S, P, N, C, E, R. And there is information there around the relove program. If you click onto it, you can see the relove wheels, which show the stages of how to go from dating to relationship and all of the ingredients inside of the relove program, as well as also the information about the splinters. You know, some people want to go through the entire experience of having the complete reboot and the complete redo as well as all the tactical granularity advice, which can be so fun. Actually, it's the most fun thing to get to date, you know, from this beautiful place of self, love and aliveness. And then some people just want to go really deep in and take a splinter out. And then they feel good to go out into the world open and available.

I love that. Well, we'll have those links in the show. Notes. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you love this episode, please share it. We need more love in the world and leave a review for it in the itunes store. And as a free gift, I will send you my womb meditation, which allows you to connect to your womb's sacred wisdom so you can receive her answers. So you can take a screenshot of your review and email it over to me at Sahara am Sahara Rose. You can find that email Ezzy's website and all of the links that I've mentioned in the show notes. Thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next one. Trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen. So trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom Trust you in the guidance.