535: The Ick, Deal Breakers and Navigating Tough Convos in Relationships + Friendships with Rosie Acosta

I speak my truth, like early on, you know. Cause I don't want it to fester up into this like passive aggressive dynamic. Like, you know, not even my parents. Some are like, parents are yelling at each other, abusing each other because they haven't spoken their truth in so long, that if you just like make it a practice once a week of just like, I'm gonna speak my truth and you're gonna receive it and you're gonna speak your truth and receive it, and we're not gonna react, we're not gonna fix, we're not gonna judge and just be. And that's very tantric practice, you know, of like just being in the truth and hearing it and like being present with it. Like, imagine the sexual charge that would actually happen of just like, wow, like you just held my full truth. Like that would make me want you so much more because there's no hiding. Whereas this like, oh my God, I'm afraid if I say this, you can't like girls things, but will you leave me? And you can't this. It's like, what the fuck are you really doing? Like, what's the point of love, you know, if you can't be honest? So like, I'm calling in a relationship where we can just be so freaking honest and truthful and like, do it from a place of love and do it from a place of like, I want to be in this relationship and like a true genuine heart connection that like, only moving through the discomfort of truth can create.

Oh, amen.

I've been waiting for. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose, and in this podcast I love to take spirituality and make it modern, grounded, fun, relatable. And I especially love diving into relationships with my bestie, Rosie Acosta, who I have here every month on the podcast to really dive into the conversations that we have in private on our voice memos, which are going back and forth all day constantly, and both of us are serial monogamists. And you know, I've been venturing into this world of dating for the past over a year now, which has been very confronting to say the least. And we are learning so much about love and compatibility and relationships, as well as the importance of having hard conversations and why sometimes that unsexy stuff is what is needed to actually get to that sexy stuff, to keep that sexy stuff, to make that sexier stuff sexier. And before we get into this conversation, I would love if you would hit subscribe on this podcast. This is the best way for you to stay tuned on future episodes, and it helps raise the vibration of the planet. So wherever you're listening to this podcast, hit subscribe and we'll keep the good juju flowing. On today's episode, we want to talk about the importance of having hard conversations. How to have hard conversations and not just in relationships, but actually letting it show up in every area of your life. Like, to have really solid friendships like we have. We have had to have hard conversations, to have the relationships that we have with our family after a really rough different patches, we've had to have hard conversations. It's almost like your quality of life is in adherence to how willing. How willing you are to have those hard conversations. And there's an art to it. It's not just saying whatever's on your mind and, like, hoping they're going to receive it, but really having empathy and connecting to your heart. And, you know, it's definitely her. And I have been in different situations where, you know, I'm a Capricorn, she's a cancer. So, you know, we've learned a lot from each other of, like, how can I speak my truth and do it with love? And we promised you on the last episode that we were going to go into icks and red flags in dating. So we're going to start with a little rapid fire on there and then segue into hard conversations. So welcome, Rosie.

Yay. Thanks for having me again. I love being on here.

Well, welcome back. So let's start because we left them on a cliffhanger with that last one about the red flags and the icks. So what are some of your icks?

Oh, man. Okay. So I think one of my biggest icks is, like, I don't like certain sounds like, I don't like. This is like, asmr.

Who does like that? People like that.

I mean, there are some people that do. I'm. I'm dead serious. Yeah. But I don't like this. If I hear you chewing, like, that is an instant turn off. I also. Or ick. The other ick is clearing your throat. Like, my dad has always done that since I was a kid, and it really grosses me out. Like, it really does. I'll hear Tori sometimes out back, like, clearing his throat. Yeah. And I'm like, stop.

Drink some water.

Like, don't. Don't do that. So. So I'm talking about the physiological. Talking about, like, no, no, no, we'll get there. We'll get there. So I'm just like, the first the physiological icks. Because when I think about an ick. I think of something that makes me.

Repulses you?

Yeah, repulses me. It makes me recoil. Any other physiological. Oh, sipping loudly. I guess everything is like with smacking your mouth or. And Tori does that in the morning and I have to be like, can you not? Because his coffee drinks coffee in the morning and it's hot, so it's like you're trying to slurp. And I'm telling you after you've been together for 20 years, I'm like, there's nothing that gives me a bigger ick than that. I'm like, please don't do that. Especially if. Not if you're trying to have sex with me today.

Were you with us when Saw was telling us that every morning he goes, no, I wasn't. Every day something like about when he brushes his teeth and it's funny. He's like. He's funny about this, but he need. It's like a thing in his family that they go, yeah, this is like.

It might be like a. It's like a gag Latino thing. I don't know.

I was like, damn, I would get the biggest ache if I were dating you. If I. Every time you. I woke up, I'm heard.

Yeah. It's just not. I don't even want to traumatize the listeners right now by doing that sound, but it really is just not for me.

That's a Latino thing.

No, I mean just the clearing. No, I'm just saying because it's like a lot of my family members do that. Whatever. It's going to gross me. It's going to gross me out.

Don't barf, babe. You got this.

It's literally grossing me out. Okay. Now it's in a relationship.

Oh, wait, let me give you me some of my physical. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, good. Okay. I've always had this, like, ick of hearing the sound of someone rubbing carpet. I hate it. And I hate the feeling of it. No, the worst for me. The worst for me that it actually, like, makes me like, is if someone scratches the roof of a car. Like, you know the like, 90s roofs of car that are, like, kind of fuzzy?

Yes.

Someone scratching or the feeling of scratching it. I hate it. Something about it grosses me out. I don't know what it is.

This is really interesting. I know.

Like, even the thought of scratching a carpet, I can't. Yep. This real. Please don't do it.

Does Chai. Chai scratch at the carpet?

His doesn't annoy me. It's like. It's more like. I don't know, probably like, I was in a car as a kid and, like, scratches. Just like. I hate the feeling under my nails. It's a lot around that. So it's like a random sensation. Yeah, like this. The sensation, the sound of it. All of it. I hate that.

Let's dig in. Not here, but at another time.

My mom, when she drinks, she's like. She, like. She's, like, gulping. It's like she's, like, never drinking water in her life. It's like she's in the Sahara desert and they, like, finally gave her a cup after, like, seven days and seven nights.

Purge.

She's purged, but, like, every time. And it's so loud. I remember I would, like, be upstairs. I could hear her, and I hated it. And then my dad, like, smacks his lips. That I hate. Maybe that generation was just less aware of, like, how they would come off to people. So they would, like, do these, like, nasty things. Like, my mom totally does the slurping as well. And I'm just like. Like, yeah, yeah. So don't like any of those. So, anyways, let's go into now dating and loved ones. I have a whole list.

Okay, let's. You go. Why don't you go? Since I started last time, Give me an ick.

Well, here's my ick list, y'.

All.

The first one is not living their dharma. Like, if a guy is not living their dharma, it's a full no for me because it's what I do. It's what I preach. It's what my book and my coaching institute and everything is about. And I just can't be with someone who's not, you know? And they might be like, I'm figuring it out. I can't, because you're going to become my student, and I don't want to date my student. So that's a. That's the ick for me. Someone who's not successful. I'm sorry, I'm successful. And I can't be with someone who's like, oh, like, who? Whatever. I believe all of us. And success doesn't necessarily mean they have to make as much money as me or whatever. The thing is, while that would be nice, it's more like you have done what it needs to actually, like, bring something off the ground. Like, I think that, for me, is, like, I've had to overcome so much of my own limiting beliefs to bring something off the ground. It's one thing to have a wish. It's another thing to actually execute on that. And so for me to like, really respect someone in relationship and even in friendship, yeah, all my friends are living their dharma and all their friends are successful doing it. Because it's just such an integral part of who I am and who I've been for the past over a decade that I just don't want to be with someone who I don't see as like my equal. You know, again, they could be successful painter, it could be something totally different than me, but, like, they're really doing the thing and I'm inspired by them. Someone who is unconscious. So someone who has not dove into their spirituality, has not gone into therapy, healing, coaching, counseling, shadow work, whatever the modality is for them. An unexamined mind to me is not one of me that I'm wanting to explore has shitty or bad taste in music. Like, show me your Spotify. If it's like some basic top 40 shit, we're not gonna work out because I'm a producer and a DJ and I rap and I sing and I, you know, I. Music is such a big part of what I do. So someone who's like, yeah, I just listen to whatever they play on the radio. Like, I just like hip hop. Like, it's just. They don't have favorites. They don't have an understanding of music. I can't have a conversation with music around them. It's not gonna work. Specifically Afrobeats. You know, they need to at least be interested in that. Maybe they don't need to know as much about it as I do, but they like the frequency, which we've talked about. Liking the same music as someone is like a frequency thing. Someone who isn't an entrepreneur. I could not be with someone who's not an entrepreneur.

Really?

Yeah. Like, it's a mindset thing because there's a mindset of an. And it's not good or bad. It's just I'm such an entrepreneur. The way that I think is very, like, I have an owner mindset. If there's something in my business that needs to be done, I don't care if it's 9pm, I don't care if it's Saturday. I'm gonna do it. It's just very different than an employee mindset. And I find that often people who are professionals of different sorts go well together because it's that, like, this is my job. I clock out at 6 and I'm done. And they work. Whereas entrepreneurs, we tend to need other entrepreneurs because our work is our baby. It's our Dharma, you know, and not just an entrepreneur who's like, I just do this thing and I don't love doing it, but like, someone who, again, it's. It's their soul's purpose. I'm just such a creative person, especially when it comes to business, that I want someone who has that same zest for what they do. Someone who can't dance. If you can't dance, we're not going to work out again. It's such a huge part of who I am, and I didn't have that in any previous relationships. And I always was just like, oh, whatever, Guys don't really like to dance. And first of all, that's not true.

Right.

You know, and again, to me, if you don't like to dance, that means you're disembodied. And I don't want to be with someone who's disconnected from their body, who's all in their head. And also, someone who can dance can, like, kind of metaphysically let down their hair and, like, not take themselves so seriously and connect. And so it doesn't mean they need to be a professional dancer by any means. But, like, you know, either, like, we can salsa dance together, or we can just, like, vibe together to music, but someone who can, like, get down and dance and be silly and in the body. It's just such a huge part of who I am that if I can't share that, it's, like, it's a deal breaker for me.

Yeah.

You know, and, like, I have some friends, like, who love nature, and if their guy doesn't love camping in nature, it's a deal breaker for them. That's not for me. Yeah, but if you can't dance, that's like, a cornerstone of what I want my relationship to be. Yeah. That, and I have to be honest with myself about that.

Yeah.

Someone with poor communication.

Oh, yeah.

I am such a communicator. I'm shocked. I'm not a Gemini for real. So if someone is a man of few words, that's not going to work with me. Like, I. Again, they don't need to have a podcast. Preferably not. But someone that I can, like, get deep with, have deep conversations with, like, can venture with me. Like, again, it's what I do. Like, I have this podcast, like, our, like, we wake up in the morning guys at, like, 6am and we're like, so what is reality? And do you choose or accept love? And, like, we just, like, drop in in the morning like this, and it's like, I Don't think anyone will meet me where you do, you know? However, I need to have that in the relationship. And not just philosophical conversations, though. That is a very important thing for me. But can we communicate about what's hurting us, what's on our hearts? Having been in a relationship with a very avoidant person, and I'm actually a very securely attached person. But when you're with someone that's avoidant, it makes you get anxious.

Yeah.

Because they're not speaking their truth. You feel they're not. So you're trying to keep questioning and prying out of them. And you're like, are you okay? Well, you say you're okay, but you're not talking to me, so obviously you're not okay. And then it makes you be. And it's like, I don't. I'm not anxious at all. Like, it's like, but you're making me be this. And it's like, I don't. I don't want to be that in my relationship. I want someone who has the courage enough to have the hard conversations.

Yes.

Someone who's obsessed with their looks. Like a guy who's, like, doing his eyebrows and his hair and his lasering. His body is just a no for me. Someone who's very religious. I'm just super open. I question everything. So someone that's like, this is what the book says and this is how it is, and these are our roles that can really work for certain people. It's like a core value thing. It won't work for me. Someone who's lazy. If you are just someone who's just like, I'm just coasting. I want to take it easy. I'm just going to be smoking weed on the couch all day. That's a no for me. On the other end, Someone who's overly OCD who, like, oh, my God, like, my dad is very OCD and I could never live with him and he would go crazy because my mom and I, you know, woman, tend to be a little bit more, you know, free. Free and expressed in our homes. And so if someone was like, oh, my God, you left the cabin open. Oh, my God, this and, like, giving me a hard time. Like, no. I want to be able to be myself in my space. I'm not messy, but I'm not color coordinating things either. And it just wouldn't work because someone who's OCD has control issues. And I can't be with someone who's controlling because. And I could add that to my ick list. Someone who's telling me how to show up, what to wear, what I can't do. It's a no. Someone who doesn't have direction in life and is all over the place, who's just like, I don't know, I'm just going to see where the road takes me. I can be very free spirited, but I want to be with a man that has direction. I think men need to have that. The masculine needs to be gearing the ship. I want a man with leadership. I want a man that I can trust. Your direction, in fact, sometimes I'm not even sure and I can trust yours more than my own. Like that level of leadership. Yeah. I actually wrote controlling a guy who's boring. If I can't talk to you, we can't laugh, we can't banter. We can't, like, have, like random things that take us to different things. If it's just not flowing, it's a no. Someone that has no style. Like, I think if you've, like, made it this far in your life and you don't have a sense of style, it's like you don't really express yourself. You don't care.

So it's more about expression.

It's expression. Because I tend to be with more creative guys, you know, because I'm such a creative person and it tends to be creative people express themselves in different ways. I don't know, maybe I'll end up with some fucking. I doubt I'd be with an accountant based on these. But someone. But it's like, I think style is like, I want to show the world, like, who I am and. And to me that's important. And this, I guess it's not an ick, it's a preference. But a guy with no tattoos, I'm like, how have you gone this far in life and not gotten a tattoo?

Like that has no.

That has no tattoo for me.

Okay. Yeah.

I like a man with at least one tat, preferably more. I don't like full tats, but, like, I think me having my tattoos has been a huge part of, like, me stepping into my full expression. And they've been very ceremonial for me and they mean so much to me. And I was always someone growing up who was taught tattoos are bad and they're trashy and don't get them and my parents hate them. But for me, now I have like seven of them and I want to. It's like, I don't think I'll ever be fully tatted, but it's like going against, like, the cultural programming of being, like, polished and cookie cutter and needing to fit into the professional mold. Like, if you are someone with tattoos, you likely aren't following the standard norm. You know, just because our society looks down upon them. So again, doesn't mean I want to be with someone, like, full everything, but it's sort of like a little bit of a rebel. Okay, so those are my icks.

Yeah. Wow, you really. These were very thought out. I really do like that. I like a lot of your icks I can get on board with. I would say the ick of the tattoos thing for me is I don't have tattoos, but for me, like, I don't know that I could be with a man that didn't have tattoos.

Yeah. Because what kind of person is that? He's so clean.

Yeah, I don't. I don't. Or, like, you're maybe too worried about preppy.

Good boy. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. I'd probably have an issue with that. I think my icks are a little bit more like, you know, if you don't like dogs, that's like a major. Yeah.

You don't like pit bulls specifically?

I mean. Yeah. I mean, if you don't. I mean, pit bulls are a very specific type of breed. They have a very bad rap. But also, like, I wouldn't even judge people for not liking a certain breed of dog, but I just would have an issue with somebody just not liking dogs.

Would you ever be with a cat lover?

No.

I don't think I could either.

Yeah. It's just different, right?

It's a different vibe.

I mean, my sister. I have nieces. I have cat nieces, and I love them. Banks and Nova, and they're, like the sweetest cats. My sister's always been a cat person, but it's just. It's like, when it's a man with cats, it's just. It's just a different thing.

Like, if he's like, I like lions, I'm like, oh, I'm into that. But if he's, like, into, like, having his little house cat, it's just, again, I don't know, maybe there are. There. I know there are amazing men. It's just. I feel like dog people go with dog people. Cat people go with cat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like. And cat and. And my sister has guy friends that are cat people, you know, So I really do. So I'm a dog. I'm a. Look, I'm a pet lover. I love all pets. I'm just like a animal person. I like animals more than I like people. And I don't care who knows. It's. But for me, I think that's a. That's a big one. You know, A big ick for me, too, is how you treat people in the world like service people. Like how you order your coffee, how you treat people at the checkout, how you treat, you know, the front desk. Like, to me, that, like, seeing how a man treats people is big, because if you're just, like, you, aloof and not making eye contact and not acknowledging people like that, to me, is. Is a very selfish thing.

I remember in India, that was one of the craziest things for me, because people there can be very rude to the waiters, and it's like, normal in the culture, whereas in American culture, you see the waiter as your equal. They're your person. You have small talk with them. It's like, it's a human. In India, they don't act like that. They're like. In India, they wait in these nice, like, hotel restaurants. So let's say you got curry. Let's say you want more curry in your plate. You bring the waiter to put the curry from the main dish onto your plate, and you're like, more gravy, less gravy. No, I want carrots. No, I want this like a child. And I was so. It gave me the ick to see a man bossing another man around about what gravy to broccoli ratio he wants. I was just like, yeah. Like, it's just so disrespectful, I felt.

Yeah, yeah. Because it's almost like, can you not do it yourself? Type of thing. But also, it could be, you know.

It was a cultural thing there, and I wasn't used to it.

Yeah. I mean, it. I mean, look, I wasn't raised that. I mean, my little abuelita, you know, was always doing everything for us, you know, And I wasn't constantly like, oh, thank you, abuelita. I was just like, I want this. I want this. Make me a burrito. Make me this. I want a quesadilla. Like, do. And it was just really entitled, you know? And it wasn't until I got older where I was like, I saw the next generation, my little cousins growing up and treating her and treating her badly, you know, like, they were little, but nobody would correct them. And I'd be like, don't talk to her like that. Say please and say thank you. And, you know, but it's like how.

A man Treats his family too.

Right. You know, so, so I think that that's. Yeah, like if, if Tory had was really disrespectful to his mom or his sister or his brother, that would be a big ick for me. Or the way that I always like to see how people talk about their family. Like, you know, because I think it's really, look, we have difficult. And I think that this is a great segue to talking about the difficult conversations, you know, because I think that that's where the inception begins is having these difficult conversations with family or the people that you love the most. And what are like barometer of having a difficult conversation is even.

So, you know, sometimes you see someone, maybe it's your crush from the gym or your imagination ship that you have from Instagram. No judgment. We all have one. So you start coming up with these fantasies of like, imagine if. Well, sometimes it's like hard for us to really think about it because all of our doubt, fears, blocks. We also don't want a future project. We don't want to place expectation and then kind of just like it goes out the window. But sometimes it's fun to fantasize. And that's why I love Dipsea. It's this app full of hundreds of sexy short audio stories designed by women for women. So they really have a fantasy for everyone. Whether your flavor is fairy sex or something more realistic. Or maybe you're kind of reminiscing about your high school English teacher. Okay, I'm not judging here. Whatever your flavor is, they have a story for you. They also have sleep stories. It's a really fun way to unwind after a work day. Or maybe just to spice up your morning commute because why not start your day super turned on? So for listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com Sahara that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to dip c d I p s d seastories.com sahara and you can find that link in the show notes. Because you're listening to this podcast, I'm going to make a quick assumption about you. Your friends come to you for advice whenever you're at a party. Someone corners you at the side of the snack table and starts telling you all of their childhood dramas. And you actually love diving deep into spiritual topics. And you have a really good way of communicating with people. So the best way to add, actually create a career doing this is through coaching. But I know a lot of People, they're like, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what type of coach I would be. So I've created a quick, easy quiz to discover your unique coaching style. So there are three categories. The intuitive, transformational, or empathetic coach. So the intuitive one really works with your intuition. You're able to receive downloads. You just have insights about people. The transformational one has more of that fire energy. You love to keep it real and help people go through the deepest phoenix rising from the ashes moments in their lives. And the empathetic coach really loves to listen, hold space. They're very grounded, nurturing. So if you're curious which type you are, you can try my free quiz@quiz.highestselfinstitute.com Again, that's quiz.highestselfinstitute.com which is my school that certifies spiritual life coaches. And you can find that link in the show notes. I'm super excited to see what type of coach you are because I'm a hire you one day. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance. So what is, like one of the most difficult conversations you've had to have in your relationship. Oh, that you want to talk about?

I think probably it was during a very difficult time in our relationship. And I think I knew that I wasn't happy and Tori knew I wasn't happy. And I felt like he would never break our relationship. Like he would never break up with me. But I felt like if I didn't express what I needed to express, that I would break. So I think telling them how, like actually voicing it, because it's one thing, like when you're in a relationship that's not going well if you're not able to fully articulate it. I mean, the sim. The dissemination of the relationship is happening throughout, but I think it's those, those hard conversations that you fear that, you know the inevitable is coming. It's like we could either stay together and just be content and it'd be 50 years, and we're just never going to talk about difficult things and pretend like everything's fin, which for him, that was his norm because his, you know, his parents have been together for a really long time. And I can't say that he's had a very good model of communication. And I just, I didn't grow up like that, but I just knew that if I didn't have the conversation with him about how I felt that we were just going to continue with this really just Bad dynamic. And so I think that the hardest conversation I had was right before we moved to Oregon. He, he wanted to move to Oregon because he was, you know, he was turning 40 at the time, which is the age I am now. It's crazy that like, put myself now in that position to think about everything that he was going through, which I did not. At that time I was turning 30. He was turning 40 or he was already in his 40s and I just, I was turning. No, he was already 40 and I was almost turning 30 because I turned 30 when I was up in Oregon. So I was 29 and I was feeling like my Saturn return. I was just feeling like, I need a change. I don't know if this relationship is right for me. I'm just not happy. There's a lot of things that we were going through financially, a lot of things spiritually, emotionally. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms. Like, it just, our relationship was degrading quickly. And I just, I knew that the relationship was either I actually thought the relationship was over. Like, there was no. Oh, I think in order for us to survive, we're really going to have to. The hard conversation for me was, this relationship is done. Like, how do we do this? You know, especially when you, when you love somebody so much, you know, because it's like, wow, I really love this person. And I remember that, that night that we had this really difficult conversation, you know, he came into the bedroom and that I was in the spare bedroom at the time because we weren't sleeping in the same bedroom. And he came in there and he was like, what are we doing? You know, like, what's happening? And because I hadn't really decided to move up to Oregon, it was kind of like he was kind of going through the motions of getting things prepared and I was just still working, teaching. Like, there was no signs of me getting ready to move, you know. And I just, you know, was saying to him, I'm like, I. I don't feel like this is right for me. I feel like this is a big mistake. If I leave, I feel like my career is here, all my clients are here. Like, at the time I was really, you know, teaching a lot. I was teaching at all, like, the hot yoga places. I was, you know, getting more known. I was, you know, kind of building my career at that point. And I just said, I'm like, I, I can't. I don't think I could do this. Like, I don't think I can leave. And, and this is why, you know, and I I essentially told him why I was not happy. And a lot of it had to do with what we had been going through. And essentially I was just telling him all of his faults at the time. I wasn't looking at anything that I was doing because I wasn't doing anything wrong. I was in my practice, you know, I was like a yogi. I was very satvic, you know, and I was, you know, going to my 10 day, you know, silent retreats, and I was really doing all this internal work and all I could see was his negative side. And, yeah, I had the conversation of everything that I saw. And, you know, with one simple statement from him, it just completely shattered my whole plan. Because my plan was, you know, we need to move on. Like, we can't keep doing. This is not healthy. It's not healthy for you, it's not healthy for me. Like, we don't have a life together. This is. We're living separate lives. Like, I'm totally into different things. I'm, you know, going into static dance on the weekends. Like, I'm doing totally different things than you are. And he was like, are you still willing to make our relationship work? Like, are you still willing to be in this partnership with me or are you not willing anymore? Because it wasn't a matter of love. It was a matter of, like, my willingness. Like, are you willing to be here? And I was like, what? Like, I. I don't know. Like, I hadn't thought about it. Yeah.

And like, had you not had that difficult conversation which was essentially, you try and break up with him, he wouldn't have been opening up in this way.

Yeah.

Of like, which to you is probably the best turn on ever. Of like, him being like, I want to make this relationship work.

Yeah.

Whereas you already jumped to the conclusion of. He was, he's moving to Oregon and he's dragging me along and I don't even want to be there. My friends aren't there. Like, we don't even have much in common. This really. We come to our own internal. Like, this relationship is over. Rather than bringing to the table of like, I'm feeling like something really needs to shift. And that's brave of him actually to be the one.

Yeah. Oh, 100. You know, and I think that that was eye opening to me with all of my work, you know, for all of my internal shadow work. Like, I wasn't really looking at how I was contributing to the stagnation of the relationship because I was complicit in that it wasn't just him But I just wasn't willing to look at my own stuff because I wasn't getting what I want, thought I deserved or what I wanted. Right. And so I think it's, what's really interesting about this specifically is that, you know, relationships are, in my humble opinion, our most confronting spiritual work. I mean, it is, it is the ultimate spiritual practice, being in relationship, in any relationship, romantic or, you know, a friendship, but ultimately the romantic one is going to be the one that really shows you those parts of the most to lose.

Yeah, you have the most friendship, you have many friends, you know, and we can talk about ours. Like we've had like situations where we've had to voice things that have left us and others feeling uncomfortable. But I think in relationship it's magnetized because it's like when a relationship ends, especially a long term one, it changes everything in your entire life.

It does. And you know, one of the things that you actually taught me about this is the idea of having difficult conversations and feeling safe, because I never thought about it in that way. But you know, you and I had been through a situation where we've had to navigate certain relationships. One specific one where you essentially voice this feeling that you just felt like your truth, your expression, you didn't feel safe expressing your, your truest self, which for you is a red flag, right. It's like, if I can express myself fully and this isn't a safe place for me to share, then what am I doing here? Like, this isn't how you want to be in a relationship. And, and it was actually really eye opening for me because I felt the same way. I just had never thought about it in the way of safety. Because when you think about having difficult relationships, I'm curious for you what has been your difficult conversation that you've had and curious for you too growing up. Maybe we should just start there. What did difficult conversations mean to you at a young age? Because to me it's like you've always been this really tenacious, outgoing, honest. I'm just gonna say it how it is person. And when you grow up in an environment, maybe even in a culture where that's not revered, where it's more important to be kind and courteous and kind and to not say anything because that's the polite thing to do. What do you do in a situation? You know, now when you are in that environment and you have like so much to say, it's also not a safe environment. Right. So I'm, I'm curious for you what.

Your experience has Been growing up, my parents would, you know, get into fights and then the next morning act like nothing happened. Never work really through it. Cause they didn't have the ability to. And my mom would definitely be like passive aggressive and like. But she would still make his breakfast as the wife is supposed to do, but like, put it down kind of like angrily and not be talking to him. And this like, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, but like, she wouldn't do it with love, you know? And then he would be like, eating it, but like, angry eating it. And I would just watch this. I'm like, you guys are crazy.

Like, how old were you when you noticed this the first time?

Maybe six. Yeah, like, I noticed it very early on of like, this is not the right dynamic here. And then by the end of the day that my dad would go to work and come home, then everything was just back to normal. And then she would just be. She worked off whatever it was and then they'd be fine. Then they'd get into another fight maybe that day, maybe a few days later. And the cycle would repeat and repeat and repeat. And they would never get to the bottom of it because they didn't have the tools. They've never gone to therapy. And the truth is, if they went to the bottom of it, it's a deep, deep, deep, deep rooted issue. It wasn't about like, you didn't make my breakfast right? Or whatever. The thing was, it's like a lot of resentment for over time that then little things become like, how you do everything. Anything is how you do everything right? So I would see that it creates an ill family to not talk about what's really happening. So I became really vocal around this is how I feel. And like, always making it a point. Even though I knew my parents wouldn't like what I had to say, I would tell them how I felt and I would tell them what I was gonna do. And I don't know why some I still do it. I don't know why. I'm like, why am I doing this to myself? It's like something innate in me. Maybe because I'm eight planets in Capricorn, like, I have to speak my truth. I just can't. Not. So, like, I would tell them, like, yeah, I'm like, you know, my whole thing of like moving to India and like writing my book. And then I would be like in the water purification temple in Bali and they would. And telling them exactly what I'm doing, knowing they wouldn't like it. But, like, I had to. I felt like if I don't bring them along with my journey, I'm going to get further away from them.

Yeah.

So even though they don't like what I'm doing, it's my hope of this can be the olive branch to have them lean in. And I'd rather keep telling them, and they would eventually have to accept than me not tell them and live a life that they just don't know. Know. Yeah. And so I feel that's how I am in relationships. I love having hard conversations. I don't shy away from it. I think your quality of your relationship is by how often you have these hard conversations. Because then it's like you can just be real with each other and then it's like that underlying tension is gone and then you can, like, really drop in. It's like, that's how I feel after I have ever sat with any form of, like, medicine, you know, of, like, it just removes all of those, like, cobwebs that you have in your mind. And then you're just like, oh, I can be, like, truthful and honest with myself. Which is so warning. My big lesson has been that not everyone else feels that way, you know, so coming back to. We can use a friendship situation first. That we were in a friendship that with someone else and ended up not working out because our truth, my truth, your truth, triggered this person to hear, you know, and. And that's fine. And it's not about the situation that happened. How I felt in that is like, I want to be in a friendship that even if you don't like what I'm doing, you feel safe enough to tell me. Yeah, like, I want to be in a friendship that you could be like Sahara, like, you tell me, too. You're like, January 2022. You're crazy. And I'm like, I know. Because I had just gotten divorced. I was fucking crazy, you know, And I'm not like, rosie, you crossed my boundary. How dare you say I'm curious? I'm like, rosie, tell me how I was crazy. I want to learn from that. I'm curious, you know, I'm curious about your experiences of me, because you could see something in me that I can't. That's the only way I'm going to learn and grow. Not everyone is like that. Some people don't want their feathers to be ruffled. They want to just be comfortable. And they'd rather be around people who never question them and never tell them how they feel because they'd Rather have, which to me feels like a more surface level connection.

Right, exactly, exactly.

So I've had to learn to connect my heart and my throat a lot of like, before I just speak my truth. Can I speak it more with love? How can I make this? And that's what you've taught me of, like, let's say like, Rosie's truth is sometimes, like, you don't even know where the truth is because it's like all honey and mine is sometimes like a little snake bite right there. So you teach me the cancer energy of like, you know, how can I make it more sweet? And especially going through my divorce, that was a big lesson I had to learn because it's like when you're going through something like that and there's a lot of difficult conversations you have to have, that person's often not ready to feel your full truth. So I had to really be like, okay, how can I give a micro dose of my truth? I want the full dose, but not everyone does. How can I bring it with love? How can I really word it in a way that they will receive it? Because ultimately, if the person doesn't receive your truth, then what's the point? Yeah, the point of truth is not for me to get a load off, you know, I see that's the distortion that happens in the spiritual community. I need to speak my truth and this is my truth. And if you can't handle it, get the fuck out. It's like you want your truth to resonate and be heard by that person. So you need to have empathy and connect with how that specific person is going to hear that specific truth. And some things might hit really close to home. And other things like you telling me, oh, january twenty after your divorce, it doesn't really hit close to home. So you can tell me, you know, but maybe something really deep I can't think of that. You would have to think, think about how you are going to word that a little bit more. Especially in relationships, like when your partner says something about you, your guard does go up. You do. You do become defensive. So I have had to really learn around, like, how can I just do it with, like, compassion, with love? I've really been meditating on Kuan yin energy. And ultimately when we're speaking our truth, we want to come to a shared agreement and understanding. And the biggest initiation I had when I went to Egypt is that you love is a higher vibration than truth because I was such a truth seeker, a truth speaker, like, truth, truth, truth. And then going to Egypt after my divorce, in this heartbreak of this person not wanting to hear my truth and me being like, how can someone not want to hear my truth? They were not willing to receive it. So I had to really channel on, like, love ultimately wins. And sometimes love is. Is I gotta write all my truths to a letter that that person never sees. And I just have to honor where they're at. Even though I see so much more, I want so much more. I want this closure. I want us to have these deep conversations. That's what would make me feel safe. But that person has been in hiding and in shame. I think a huge reason why people can't speak their truth is they're ashamed of the truth. So they would rather not have the conversation, which is where being avoidant comes from. Of if I speak my truth to you, I think you would hate me of what comes out. So I'm not going to. So you can't actually get truthful with that person.

Yeah.

And that's why I've learned, like, I can't be in a relationship with an avoidant person, you know, And I think we all have elements of being anxious and avoidant to us, but someone who's not willing to have those conversations, you just can't get to those depths that I want to access in my love. I believe ultimately truth and love are one. But in the process of getting there, sometimes the most loving thing to do at times with discernment is to bite your tongue to that person in that time. But to still act from truth to yourself.

Yes. To have integrity.

So I might. Let's say we were. I was dating some guy and it's not working out. I don't have to tell him every reason why it's not breaking down. You know, I think you're this and you're that. You're that. But me living my truth might be ending the dating, you know, but doesn't mean I have to, like, teach him. Because there's a righteousness that can come with truth as well.

That's the ego.

I know. And the thing is, there's like capital T truth and lower T truth of like, universal truths such as be a good person, love, compassion, da da da. But like, most of them are small T truths. Of like, this is my truth, which is subjective, you know. And like, often in the spiritual community, we think my truth is the truth and it's not, you know. So I think a huge part of having these difficult conversations is to. To notice the difference of that it's not your truth. It's how you feel.

Yeah. And feelings aren't fact.

Feelings aren't fact. They're real for you. Yeah, it's real that I feel this way and I can express how I feel that. But I have to honor it's how I feel and it doesn't mean it's the truth of this circumstance.

Yeah, I mean I totally agree with everything that you're saying. I love the discernment piece because I feel like that's really the heart of what you're saying is, you know, all these spiritual practices that we do ultimately are to teach us how to discern, to teach. I mean ultimately the, the practice of yoga is discernment. Right. How do I, how do I connect that mind, body, spirit component while remaining discerning in the world? And I think that what you're saying is 100% right. It actually reminds me of one of the steps in AA now, now I'm not in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've gone through the steps before. I have a lot of people that I work with in the program. I've had a lot of family members in the program, some extremely familiar with the steps and how the program works and how it works for a lot of people. And I've worked with a lot of people in recovery. One of the steps is to make an inventory of all the ways that you've been hurt and the ways that you hurt others. And then part of that resolve is to when you can, to make amends with the people that you essentially hurt when it's not going to cause harm to you or the other person. So now when I think about it in the spiritual community, when I see these, you know, posts or people talking about my truth and I'm just going to share it because this is the truth for me. Not thinking about how it's going to damage the other person I think can continue to perpetuate that self serving behavior because you're just thinking about yourself and you wanting to get your. My truth is going to make me feel better to say so I don't care how it's going to land out in the world. All I care is getting this off of my chest. Right, because you want to unload the burden where in fact you vibrating on a higher frequency and operating from a place of discernment and really questioning yourself. First of all, what is this burning desire for me to get off my chest? Already there we're already starting off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, it's selfish, right?

Because I'm just like, I have this feeling and I just want to get it out and I want to just tell you because I don't want to live with this. I want to get it off my chest.

Even this whole like forgiveness thing, it's a lot of it is just to like get the guilt off, right?

It's like, okay, yeah, like this, it, these things are a process. They're the ways that we interact in the world. It's the ways that we develop emotional intelligence over time and it's bringing that.

Trauma back to that person that you hurt. So if you're a wellness girly on social media, you've totally already seen those videos of the chicks wearing the infrared red mask and you've probably thought, should I get one of those? Does it actually do anything? So I decided to give it a go. I mean, for me, I'm always up and moving, so having something on my face that like makes me sit down, first of all, great for my relaxation. So I decided to try it just for 10 minutes a day. I would listen to music, breath, work, meditation, just do my thing. And first of all, it was just me time, which I loved. But I definitely noticed like I have a lot of like, kind of like hyperpigmentation. I feel like it really helped resolve that. My friend the other day was like, your skin looks so moisturized. I was like, oh, thank you. So it's really good for wrinkles, fine lines. It's also really good if you have a sore jaw, eczema, migraines, acne, scar tissue, wound healing, razor burns, ingrown hair. I mean this works with everything. So I love the Bond charge red light face mask specifically because it's zero EMF radiation. It doesn't have any flickering in its light, which can actually throw off your circadian rhythm cycle. It's super lightweight and they have a one year warranty. They ship worldwide, have super easy returns and exchanges and tons of other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection, and so much more. So I highly recommend giving them a try. And you can head over to boncharge.com.com Sahara and use coupon code Sahara to receive 15 off. That's B O N C-H-A-R G.com Sahara with coupon code Sahara for 15 off. And you can find that link in the show notes. Support for today's episode comes from one skin. So now that the holidays and New Year's are behind us, it's a really good time to focus on self care care. And that means taking care of your skin's appearance and its Health too. So One Skin makes it super easy with their science backed approach to healthier skin. Peptides are all the buzz right now and they actually contain a peptide called OS1 that targets fine lines and wrinkles right where they start your cells. Not only that, but it really allows your skin to get moisturized from a cellular level because sometimes we're just like topically putting oils on and we're not getting to the root of the what's causing the dehydration. So they leveraged their in house cutting edge R and D platform where they're able to measure the efficiency of age reversal molecules in their Lab. And their 12 week clinical study showed that wrinkles were reduced by 87% of users. So if you're all about your skin's longevity, I highly recommend trying One Skin. You can try today for 15% off using code Sahara at OneSkin co. That's 15% off with One Skin co with code Sahara. And after you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. So please support the show and tell them that we sent you New Year Healthier skin.

That's One Skin.

So just your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust you in the guidance. So let's say I cheated on you, you know, and I feel I've been holding on to it. So I keep bringing it up to you of like, you know, let's move past it, let's move this. You're trying to heal.

Yeah.

You know, but it's my guilty consciousness that's trying to do that. But, but it's my truth. So we need to talk about it because I need to get it off of my chest. But it's like you are actually the, the hurt person in this situation. I think that that needs to be honored more.

Yeah.

And then you got to do your own inner work around it.

Yeah. And I think that's the right way of dealing with the situation. You know that there was a, I did a podcast last year actually around this time or the time that this is coming out, when somebody called in and asked and said this gentleman basically saying that he cheated on his girlfriend four years and he really loves her. And it was, they were going through a rough patch and he still kind of felt like he wasn't sure if he was going to be with the girlfriend forever, but after he cheated on her, that he knew that she's the person he wanted to be with and the person that he cheated with, you know, has not had contact with her. It wasn't, he didn't have feelings for her. It happened, and he just felt, like, really guilty. It really was eating him up because he felt now that secure in the relationship that he really wanted to tell his girlfriend because he didn't want the lie. He's like, I just. I don't want to live with the lie. And it just hurts me every day to know that I did something that can really break her heart. So I'm. I'm not telling her, but it's really killing me to have to live with her every day and see her smile and have us walk our dog and just feel the guilt. And, you know, they're asking me for advice and. And I said something along the lines of what I'm saying now. I said, you know, you really have to go to therapy always. That's always the number one. It's, go to therapy, work it out. There's a reason why you did that. There's always a reason why people cheat. There's always a reason. And most of the time, it has nothing to do with your partner. It has to do with your own stuff. And, you know, do some internal work to try and figure out why you did that so it doesn't happen again. And really do some work around why you want to get this off your chest so bad. I'm not saying don't tell her. I'm not saying tell her. I'm saying really examine what you're doing and why you're doing it. And I said, is it worth effectively losing this person? Is it worth losing this per. Because you probably will lose her MO Most people, generally, when somebody cheats, you walk away. That's just what you do. If you're lucky, maybe you work it out. There's always going to be something to fix. That wound is. Is doesn't go away. It's always gonna be there. Now, are you strong enough to work through that and know that that wound is there and be able to navigate your relationship? It depends how willing you are.

But I think once the cheating has happened, that old relationship is already dead.

Yeah. The old relationship does not exist anymore.

And he'll probably sabotage the relationship even without telling her. The guilt is eating him alive there. And it's just going to keep getting louder and louder.

Yeah.

And then probably that shame will turn into more cheating and more cheating and more. Yeah, because that's. That's how it is. It gets put into a hole, and then, you know, it's like this dark thing that you don't touch until suddenly that same urge comes up again, and it's put into the dark hole.

And then it's a cancer. Yeah, it's a cancer. And ultimately, with something like that, I. I've always, always been a firm believer. It's like the darkness will always come to light at some point. You know, you can hide some things for a little while, not all the time. You know, there's something that happens eventually where that it has to just come to light. And I mean, the reason I bring it up is because I got a lot of flack for what I said, right? Because people were like, he should tell her. He needs to tell her right away. He's obviously having a moment. He's really wanted to express the truth. You know, you should have just said to him to tell her. And I'm like, I just don't. I don't know that that's the right thing. All the time. In that moment when you're feeling the burning desire, right? It's like, take a beat, do some work, examine. Figure out why you're in the situation that you're in.

Well, I think it's like, yeah, know how to tell her.

Yes.

Like, you know, I think all of us, if we were that woman in the relationship, would want to know.

Yeah.

And sure, now after he's done it, he knows he wants to be with her. Well, guess what? You know, like, that's not fair to her.

Right.

But, yeah, it doesn't mean, like, oh, my God, the guilt is eating me alive right now. Let me just pour it out on you without any regards of how it's gonna feel for you. But ultimately, I would rather know sooner and have it burn than spend another year doing this dance and then find out later. For me.

Yeah. Yeah.

But I'm like, give me the truth, right?

But if that's the contrast, right? Like, some people might not. I know some people that would rather.

Some people rather not know. Some people have an inkling that their partners are cheating, and they. I don't want to know if you playing me.

Keep it on the low.

Like, to me, I don't understand, understand how Mario doesn't want to know. I'm like, I would want to know, you know, but the. The thing is, his heart can't take it anymore.

I, you know, I'm fully comfortable. I've. I've talked about this before. I've definitely been cheated on several times, and. And I've at times been the cheater, you know, so. So I've been on both sides, and I. I know how it feels. And. And both suck really bad, you know, I would Say, getting cheated on hurts a lot, lot more because there's so many components where you blame yourself, where you think you had something to do with it, and you essentially are heartbroken. And you know, when your heart breaks, it. It takes a while for it to mend, you know, and. And sometimes it's like, it's. And you're always going to have that now, that feeling.

And it robs you of. It doesn't rob you, but it makes the ability to trust a lot harder. And that's like the ultimate, like, hurt that you could do to someone is like causing them to question everything because then you're thinking back on all of the times and this, and you're so gaslit for so long and then the person that you love the most to be doing that to you. I mean, it's the ultimate mind fuck.

Yeah. And I think that this is why I think dating is so hard. Because look, then there are also. We've talked about this before as well on Voice Note Podcast. Subscribe rate and review on Patreon for the extra WhatsApp.

Please don't release our conversation ever. Yeah, we'll get arrested.

The varying grades of what cheating is.

Right.

You know, it's like, what is cheating then cheating is to me, it's like you have sex with somebody else, you're cheating on me. Right.

Of course, that's like the, the most. But there's micro cheating.

There's micro cheating.

So what to you is micro cheating? What would you can like, would you consider a guy DMing a girl? Microchip 100 same.

Yeah.

Or what's the intention around if you're having a conversation. Sure. But if it's like liking her Instagram stories.

Yeah. Liking her Instagram stories.

Or all of a sudden flirting with her.

Yeah. You're. You're going to have coffee dates or all of a sudden, now this person's coming to hang out with you while you're at work.

It's like, yeah, it's like, what's. Where is that go? Okay, so I've seen a lot of like my friends get me started.

I'm getting all riled up.

I'm getting riled up too. So I've seen a lot of my friends. Okay, I'll share a example on both sides. One of them is my friend is the guy. One of my friend is the girl. The girl was dating this guy who kept DMing these only fans girls. He says he just wants to be their friend. He just loves them. They've got, you know, I'm all for do whatever you want, but he's got a specific type of friend that he desires. But then he was, like, asking to, like, meet up with them, and it's just like, to me, what do you want to do when you meet up with them? Like, you just want to, like, show them around town. Like, you want to have a pick their brain about their business plan. Like, let's be real.

Yeah.

You know? So to me, it's like, what? Or when you're like, let's even take it way back. You're liking someone's Instagram story.

Oh, yeah. Or back in my day, it was my space. But continue. Yes.

Why are you liking it? You want that person to know you're sending them a signal.

A heart signal.

Yeah. You're. You're saying, I'm interested in you, you know, and I've been on the receiving end of guys with girlfriends sending it to me, and I'm like, what are you doing here? Like, are. I think what they're trying to do is feel into the water of, like, if I send this to you, will you respond so then I can do a little bit more. A little bit more. It starts with the hearting your Instagram story. It's like our. Our version of Shakespearean sonnets this year.

Yes, exactly.

Their generation got real fucked. You know, we used to get Romeo and Juliet. Now we get a little heart.

Yeah.

Maybe fire sign if you're really going for it.

That's like the amount of effort. Back in the day, you had a tactile experience of actually writing the song or even writing a letter.

Exactly. Yeah. Sending an owl something.

Sending a pigeon courier. Yeah.

So I think. I think even, like, guys, to me, if you're following a bunch of these, like, girls on Instagram, let's give a visual.

Let's give a visual during this. Because it's like, if you're Instagram, it's.

Just like, all these, like, really hot naked girls. It's like, like, why. It's like softcore porn.

Why are you following all these women?

Yeah. And their funnels into only fans or pornhub or something. Why are you following them if you're in a relationship?

Yeah. Like, what are you looking for? Inspiration. It's like, is this part of your.

So to me, I'm a female, so obviously I'm like, all of that is red flag. If I'm talking to a guy, I look at who he's following. He's following a bunch of girls like that. I'm a. No, I have a Guy friend. Who. He's an amazing person. He had a girlfriend. They're in a serious relationship, living together. Some girl messaged him saying, I really love your work. I would love to meet with you for coffee. You really inspire me. And he was like, yeah, I would love to. And he, like, met up for the girl, and they ended up, like, talking for hours and really connecting. His girlfriend, I guess he told her after the fact, and she was like, where were you today? He's like, oh, this girl was so inspired by me. We went for coffee. She loves my work. And she's like, what do you think this girl wants? He was like, she just loves my work. She was like, no, I know how girls are. Like, she's trying to get with you. And he was like, no, not at all. They end up breaking up because he's like, I need to have the freedom to be able to meet up with coffee for someone if I want. And I can't be with a woman who's so jealous. That's how he saw it.

No, that's wrong.

So he genuinely thought. And I don't know the dude. I don't know this girl. I don't know her intention. He saw it as a clean thing.

No, he saw it as somebody stroking his ego.

That's what I think, too.

That's it.

He claims he saw it as a. As a.

Come on. Somebody's like, oh, you're inspiring. You're this, you're that. It's like, give me a break. No.

Yeah. To me, if. Okay. And you can feel the difference. Like, if some guy messaged me and was like, you're really inspiring to me. And, like, I don't know. He had a similar podcast to me. He's written books like, you know my friend Nate Ortiz, but he's in a relationship, which all my guy friends tend to be in relationships, because it also kind of helps me know, like, they're safe.

Yeah. And that to me, like, I wouldn't even think twice about.

Yeah. Like, I'm going to New York, staying with him and his girlfriend. Like, he's my friend, you know, that I am inspiring to him, and I'm. And I help him, and we're friends. It feels clean to me. Whereas if it's, like, a single guy and he's liking your stuff, that he's like, I really want to meet with you.

No, listen.

It's like. I know what that means.

Yeah. Yeah, listen, friends, we're in 2023.

Yeah.

This is.

We're.

Come on. This is not. We're not trying to decipher da Vinci's.

But for him, he's like, I can't be in a relationship where I don't feel free. That's how he saw it. They ended up doing work around this and getting back together though. And I think he understood her perspective. I don't know where they stand now, but it's this online space has made cheating very precarious.

Yeah.

You know, because it's like, okay, what about if a guy's just watching all of. I've seen guys in relationships watching all of my stories. Do they just love my work or are they. I don't know. Know. I don't know. So it's like, what about. What if Tori was watching some girl stories all the time to me, I would be like, why do you care so much? Unless she's like making leather goods.

I wouldn't. And he, you know, and he doesn't. But if he did, you know, I, I'd probably have something to say about it. I'd be like, what is. What do you know? My big thing is always like, do you know her? You know?

Well, it's like you either watch someone's stories if you're obsessed with them or can't stand them.

This is true.

You know, you're gonna watch, have this.

I'm not gonna say who it is because she's a famous rock stars wife that Tori's friends with. But it's like the stuff that is posted is always very like only fans, you know? And of course it's always the first thing that pops up. Right. Whenever you log in, it's like the first thing because that's what Instagram, that's what the algorithm's gonna feed you. Right? And I mean, it doesn't bother me like, truly, it is what it is, but it's like if he sat there and just constantly just like was searching in his little search bar, her story. And look, I have access to all of his things, okay, Because I'm Latina and I don't play. So I also can see. But then I'm like, some people might be like, that's toxic and I don't give a fuck. I can be toxic. I'm a toxic bitch, okay? Like I don't care and he knows it and I don't.

Guy's hiding all his passwords. He's been in a long term relationship, right? Then something's up.

Yeah, I'd have a problem with that. I'd figure it out. But you know, yeah, like he, if if he was following, he. I don't even know that he knows how to search people, but if he was just following like a bunch of.

Instagram models, his explore page, you. Sometimes I see guys phones and their explore pages are all these, like, naked girls.

Yeah. I've seen. I've seen my friends explore pages too. And it's.

Yours are like pit bulls. Mine is like dogs, like raccoon memes.

Tori's is like how to put the. How to put a wiring in a. Yeah. Or like leather things.

You can learn so much about a person by looking at their experience.

Yeah.

And it's like, you see a guy, it's all these hot girls. What's he searching?

Yeah, what's he searching? And I think the micro cheating thing is really a prevalent thing because it's very easy to. Easy to gaslight.

Okay. How can you have an. A hard conversation with someone? Okay. Let's say you just started dating someone, and so it's like you don't have his passwords and stuff. And, you know, maybe he follows a couple of these girls, but you don't want to judge.

Okay.

You know, beautiful women are beautiful women.

Yeah.

You know, I don't love. I think they're gorgeous too. Okay. I have a girlfriend that her partner likes these girls pictures, and I'm like, have you ever talked to him about it? She was like, no, because I don't want to come off as controlling.

Oh.

So she's like, I know that he's with me every night, so if he just gets off on liking their pictures, I'm just gonna let him do it, and I'm just not gonna mention it to him because I don't want to degrade myself by even talking about it. That's how she saw it.

Okay.

What would you do in that situation? Would you talk about it? Would you ask what's your intention?

I would definitely talk about it because I can't. I. I think just as a woman, I'm a confident person, but still, I feel like for me it's. Well, it's twofold. Right. What I want to say. My. My highest self wants to say. He's never given me a reason. It's like if the person you're dating, if you're newly dating them, you can't go into it already having all of these, like, preconceived notions about them. I say you just give it. Let it ride until they give you a reason, and then you can cut it off if it's something that really bothers you and it Affects you because you see it as a gateway, which maybe a lot of the times is a gateway. And I'm saying like a gateway drug. Like it's liking a picture now, and then it's a DM later, then it's a coffee after that. I. I don't know. I would. I would sort of be discerning about that. I think for me, I just feel like, why, if I've been in a relationship, well, am I just dating? Because I'm, like, trying to put myself in the newly dating. Yeah.

Like a new relationship.

Yeah. In a new relationship. I would have an issue with it because I would say if we're dating now and we're maybe in it two, three months and you're liking all these women's posts, I would say I'm probably not the girl for you, because if you're out there, Harding women that are half naked, that aren't me, you and I are probably not. We don't have the same values, you know, and the other thing, too, it's like, I'll. I'll put us even in. In the position. Like, I'm a public person. Yeah, right.

Embarrassing.

It's embarrassing. Yeah. I mean, I think that. That if somebody is liking a bunch of pictures, it. It's. It's just a recipe for disaster.

And I think the biggest thing it comes down to with hard conversations is are you willing to walk away? You know, because the reason why we don't have hard conversations is because we're afraid of what the outcome might be. And the outcome might be we are not compatible, you know, in this friendship, in this relationship, in this dynamic. So hard conversations are bringing the vulnerability to. This is how I feel. I want this to work. These are what my needs are. And I'm okay with you not being able to meet my needs, but I'm still going to honor myself enough to walk away from this. And I think the reason why we don't have it is we feel, well, that person's not going to get my needs met. So, you know, and I think a huge one, which we could do maybe a whole other podcast about our. Your significant other's family, you know, and.

I think that's going to get me in trouble.

I know. I'm done with that. So. But it's like, that's a huge point of contestion because it's like sharing how you really feel. It's like, well, what if that person says no? What do you. What do you do? Do you get a divorce over that? You know, and it's like, I think some of these things, it's like, easier said than done.

Yeah.

That, like, I have a lot of compassion for why people don't feel comfortable sharing their truth. And if you know that you can't share your truth because it will end the relationship. The relationship has already ended.

Mic drop on that.

It's already in a lie and it's just gonna get worse and worse and worse. So actually you have no way out. It's like once the itch is bothering you, it's just gonna keep itching and itching. It's like, you know that like, story of like the little pea underneath the mattress. And then you, you feel it and it gets more and more and more becomes like a giant boulder. That's how it becomes. And that's why I speak my truth, like, early on, you know, because I don't want it to fester up into this, like, passive aggressive dynamic. Like, you know, not even my parents. Some are like, parents are yelling at each other, abusing each other because they haven't spoken their truth in so long, that if you just like, make it a practice once a week of just like, I'm going to speak my truth and you're going to receive it and you're going to speak your truth and receive it, and we're not going to react, we're not going to fix, we're not going to judge and just be. And that's very tantric. Practice us, you know, of like, just being in the truth and hearing it and like, being present with it. Like, imagine the sexual charge that would actually happen of just like, wow, like, you just held my full truth. Like, that would make me want you so much more because there's no hiding. Whereas this, like, oh, my God. I'm afraid if I say this, you can't like girls things, but will you leave me? And you can't this. It's like, what the fuck are you really doing? Like, what's the point of love, you know, if you can't be honest? So, like, I'm calling in a relationship where we can just be so freaking honest and truthful and, like, do it from a place of love and do it from a place of like, I want to be in this relationship and like a true, genuine heart connection that, like, only moving through the discomfort of truth can create.

Oh, amen.

So I'll let you know that happens.

Yeah.

Well, guys, I hope you loved this episode. We really went dove deep in there. And I know that this month, February, Valentine's Day can be a month where maybe if everyone's in a relationship and you're single it can be triggering or maybe you're in a relationship but there are some unspoken truths. So maybe you create a little truth ceremony, maybe not on Valentine's Day but around it of just like let's do this like practice where we like say our truths to each other and like let it like really sit in us and like feel the turn on of that. I think it actually be highly erotic. So Share this episode Share with your friends, your community, your families how we have more truthful friendships, conversations, communities, relationships and all that good that we're really here for. And if you love this episode, please leave review for it in the iTunes store and I will send you a free gift of my womb Meditation. Now this is a meditation to connect to your divine feminine house of Intuition and receive her answers. Because the truth is we know our truths within our truths for ourselves and having these contemplative practices allow us to listen to it. So all you gotta do is leave a review for the podcast on the iTunes store. Tell us what you love, tell us what you learned, tell us other topics you want us to chat about, and then take a screenshot of that review and email it over to me@saharaiamsaharose.com that's saharaam saharrose.com you can find that email and all the links mentioned in the show. Notes thank you so much for tun tuning in truthing in. I'm so grateful for you and I'll see you in the next episode. Trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, Trust your inner guidance.