538: How To Date As A Spiritual Woman with Sahara Rose

And I feel for us women again, women who are more in their feminine energy, we really want that feeling of feeling chosen. We want a man that pursues us. We want a man who's like, that's it, she's the one for me. Because that gives us a feeling of safety. And when that feeling of safety is not there, we can't fully open and blossom and be the version of ourselves that not only we want to be in relationship, but they really want in relationship. So it's kind of this like two sided street that both parties really want. The men really want to be in their pursuit and masculine energy. However, they're also afraid of love. They're afraid that the love is going to take them away from their careers and it's going to make them become wusses, sissies. We have, we have so many like terms like oh, you're a pussy now you're whipped. So men are afraid of that happening. So they're afraid of love. They often see love as a liability. And women, we often want love so badly that we're like, just want to love. Could it be you? Could it be you? Oh well, you're not really meeting any of my needs and you're not really even texting me first or any of the things but like I just want to love. So how can we get in right relation? Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose and on this podcast I love to take spirituality and make it really grounded, modern, fun, relatable so it can actually serve your needs. And one of my favorite topics to dive into is love and relationships. So at the end of 2022 I got divorced, I ended a seven year relationship and I entered into the unknown of being single in 2023 and 2024 and lot it's been a journey. I have learned so much, so much. I have a lot of compassion. So all you single people watching right now, I see you, I feel you. It's a jungle out there and I wanted to share some tips. Now being single for over a year and really choosing to explore and get to know who I am in this new version of my life. Now in my 30s and I've learned a lot. And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube, or the Apple Store. This is the best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibing with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one. Let me just start to say, if you hate dating, nothing's wrong with you. I don't think dating is natural. Like the modern concept of dating of, you know, kind of getting to know, know a lot of different people and having these expectations in our minds and these unspoken expectations in their minds. And then we're trying to figure out if we're a fit, but we're not really talking about what we really want. It's not working. And, and this is why there is a massive epidemic of love that I actually really want to create a docu series about. And this runs deep, but I would say a huge, a huge part of this epidemic of love is the fact that so much of our dating interactions are online. So let's start with online dating. So you know, 10 years ago, if you told someone you met someone on the Internet, they're like, are you okay? Like, how did you not know that that person was a murderer or someone who's just psycho? Whereas today if you say you met someone in person just like walking down the street, they'll be like, are you okay? How did you not know that this person wasn't a murderer or a psycho? So you kind of see, like the tables have shifted. And there was this really interesting graph I saw about the way that people meet their long term partners. And you know, back in the day it was they met through, first of all, mutual friends, which was the number one way. Meeting through work, meeting through their church, shared community gatherings, things like that. Today that has severely dwindled. I mean, things like meeting at your local community gathering places is, is close to none. But the number one way that people are meeting each other is online dating. So whether we love it or not, most people are on the dating apps. But I would say that they have created this really inhumane way of us treating each other. And especially for those of us that are spiritual, heart centered women and men, it actually makes it really hard for ourselves. So let's start with how to online date as a spiritual person. So first of all, I noticed within myself when I first became single, I was afraid of really letting my freak flag fly. Like I didn't want people to know just how spiritual I was because I thought that that would scare men away. So I caught myself kind of trying to dim my Magic and dim my light because I didn't want to be too much. But then I started to really question this of, okay, let's say I get on a date with someone and I'm like, oh, I'm just into wellness. But then they get to know me and I start talking about my past lives and I pull out the pattern app and I want to know their birth time to look up their human design. And I'm asking them about their childhood traumas and their limiting beliefs and what shadow work they've done. If they've sat with medicine, it's not going to be a fit. And I'm not saying that that person needs to even know what all those things are, but if those are things that are going to make them run away, well, they're going to run away after one month, three months, however long I'm able to keep it to myself. So the first piece of advice I have is let your spiritual freak flag fly from the beginning. Now this doesn't mean you're going to trauma bond with someone the moment that you meet them. Trust me, I, I know the temptation of that because we do get so deep with our friends. You know, we get to know someone new, we're like, like, tell me about your relationship with your mom and your dad. You know, and that's not necessarily the best first date conversation done. That doesn't end well. But we can let people know who we really are. And the faster we let people know who we are, the faster we can see if they are or not a fit for them. So I really want you to get this in your mind that dating is not about getting everyone to like you, but really it's about finding that one who can truly love you. I feel so many of us, especially as empathic women, we tend to go more on the people pleasing side that we want everyone to like us, you know, so we go on this date and we're almost trying to win this person over, right? Like we're trying to read their energy and answer the questions the way that we think they might like. And we're being ourselves, but we're being this like really shiny, polishy version of ourselves that we think that they would like. But then you leave the date and you're like, did I even like them? You know, the first question I ask myself is, did I even laugh? Because would I want to be in a relationship with someone that I'm not laughing, that's not bringing out the qualities that I really want. So dating is not about getting someone to like you. And here's the thing that happens oftentimes in dating is they're doing the same thing. So sometimes you think the date went really well, but actually most people just want to have a good time, you know, so they're going to find the things that you guys share in common. And sometimes then they go home and they start thinking about it just like you're thinking about it. And they may think that it's not a fit. So the second piece of advice I have is to not take it personally. Again, we don't know what someone's looking for and oftentimes we don't even know what we're looking for. And I also just want to question this idea that you even need to necessarily know. I think that with every single person, you have a unique sole contract that you don't totally know. So yes, there are stages in your life that you're either ready for a relationship or not. But just because you're ready for a relationship doesn't mean that every person you date is either going to be a relationship or not. Some people may become your friends, some people may be a lovership, which to me is kind of like the elevated version of a situationship. Right? Like situationships, such a modern phenomenon to me are really like you're hanging out, but you're not really dating. Like the person's not making an effort, you're not going, going out. It's probably you guys hanging out each other's houses, maybe you guys are sexual with each other. But I find that situationships, and I've never personally done a situationship, it would drive me freaking crazy. But I find that it drives especially the women crazy because there's so much uncertainty and you don't really feel chosen, you don't really feel cherished. And it's kind of in this vague, like you're hanging out, you're spending a lot of time together, but you're also not knowing where it's going. And you're, you're also not receiving the love from it. So I feel as a heart centered person, it's really hard for us to shut that off. You know, you may want something more casual, you may not want a relationship right now, but you still want to feel chosen, you still want to feel respected, you still want communication. So this is where I see the lovership comes in. The lovership is someone who may be your lover for a period of time. You know, you may decide, I have a friend who decided they were going to be in a lovership for three months with someone and then after three months they were going to decide if they were going to continue or not. Or it could just be for however long you see fit. But there's heart, there's a connection there, but you just know that that person's not who you're looking for long term. So I do believe that in dating there are different types of people that may come up. You know, some people are dating to marry. They're really looking to get married. And so they're looking at every single person with that lens. Is that my husband or not? I definitely was that way when I was 24 and I then met my husband. I only looked at people like, if you're not my husband, I'm not even gonna spend a moment of time with you. And I would say that that definitely expedited my journey. I was very young, but at the same time, I never really dated around, I never explored, I never really got to know new people. So now in this, I'm a lot more patient with my time. I know there's not a rush and having experience now, you know, going through a marriage and witnessing that. I know it's not this like gold star at the end where like all of a sudden you're married and everything's happy. You have the white picket fence and it's like happily ever after. So now I'm just a lot more interested in partnership and connection and companionship and having a dharmic relationship. So I'm a lot more open to, you know, just seeing where things will go. However, if I was someone that really want to have kids in a certain amount of time or marriage really mattered to me, then I probably would have a different stance on this. So know what that is for you? Are you dating because you're desiring to have children with this person or get married? Or are you a little bit more open for nuance and seeing, seeing where things will take you? Maybe you just got out of a long term relationship and you're looking for lovership. I think the more clear that you are on the type of relationship that you're looking for at this time, then you can start to look at people from that lens and then also be open for the surprise. Now, also don't take it personally. If you might be a lovely person, they may love spending time with you, but you also might not be a fit for what they're looking for. So this is a generalization, but it is a common trend. I see that a lot of men, heterosexual men, I'm going to be Speaking about my experiences, which are heterosexual experiences, and there are many different experiences out there. But what I've noticed in, in my my friends experiences are a lot of men choose to spend a large amount of their time focused on their career and their work. So relationship is often just not as important as it is for women. So a lot of men are afraid of relationship. They're afraid of entering into a relationship and it taking away time for their career. So what I find as a common thing that happens is a man gets to know a woman and really likes her, but says, but I'm not relationship right now. And then what does the woman do? I really like you. I really like hanging out with you. And there's no one else. So I'm going to keep hanging out with him until maybe he changes his mind and falls in love with me. And then he's totally going to want a relationship with me. Getting hot with my Highest self. Okay, guys, this is a major freaking announcement. So last year I had this vision of creating a music festival and again, I actually shared it at my Highest Self weekend event last year. And I was like, one day I'm going to create this music festival. It's going to be like dancing and drumming and spiritual and cultural experiences. Think like Trinidadian carnival outfits and bhangra drummers and everyone is just like jamming out in their hearts. Like one day I'm going to make this happen. And guys, the day has come. Highest self festival on 4 20. Which by the way, like how perfect is that date? So if you're ready to tune into your innate joy, unleash your full expression and connect with other incredible people who listen to this podcast who want to wild out, be free, shake your ass for your ancestors and just have so much from then, the Highest Self festival is for you. So it's on 420 in Austin and we're gonna have incredible experiential workshops led by myself, Aaron Doughty, Crystal Williams, amber Valdez, James McCray and many others of your favorites who've been here on the podcast. And on top of that, I will be performing my album and doing a live DJ set with you. So we really gonna break it down. So if you're ready to get high with your highest self, have some fun, make incredible friends who get you on a soul level, then come join me at the Highest Self Festival. Tickets are limited, they are on sale right now. So head over to highestself festival.com that's highest self festival.com to snag yours. And I am so excited to karaoke with you in person Because I want it all or nothing at all. There's no one left too far. When you reach the bottom, it's now. Okay, Shout out to you if you know that song. Come sing along with me at the highest self festival you can find that link in the show notes. And I am so excited to see you there. You better dress spark. Sexiness saves lives. I'm gonna be the first to say it because life can be pretty freaking mundane and boring until there's something that judges us up a little bit. Maybe it's your gym crush or a fantasy that you have or that fantasy fairy book that you're reading. I know a lot of you girls are reading that out there, but the truth is we need to have some sexy stories to jazz us up. And that's why I love Dipsea. So they got stories from, let's see the lifeguard that saves you. I'm talking Mitch from Baywatch at the nick of time and you make love on the sand to maybe your Latin lover that you meet on the dance floor and have a dirty dancing Havana nights moment. Or maybe it is a prince that doesn't want anything to do with the royal family. He just wants to run away with you and make love to you for hours. Whatever your fantasy is, Dipsy has a story for you. I mean, those I would listen to. So for listeners of the show, Dipsy is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com Sahara that's 30 days of full access to sexy audio content. These are things you can listen to when you're on your hot girl walk, when you're picking your kids up from school, when you're doing yoga. I mean, why not? We don't need to just listen to binaural beats all the time. Let's spice it up. 30 days free access@dipseastories.com Sahara that's D I P S A stories.com Sahara and you can find that link in the show notes. And that may happen. It may. But the majority of the time it doesn't. Because what I have found is, and especially for a man who they generally tend to be a bit more cut off from their emotions than us women are, they tend to either be open for a relationship or not. And if they're in this phase of their lives that they're not open for relationship, it's close to impossible to convince them to change. You know, and then what often we do as women is we decide, well, I'm just going to be so inspiring. I'm going to be his muse and I'm just going to like exude my beauty and that's what's going to get the commitment from him. And it doesn't. And what ends up happening is we spend a lot of time on trying to get this person to change, then we end up resentful that they don't. And then it actually diminishes our self worth. So I have found now from asking literally thousands of, of couples that have really inspiring relationships to me, I'm like, how did it start? I, I'm, I'm really exploring the stories and it's often again in a heterosexual model, the man seeing her and something in her and like fully choosing her. And I feel for us women again, women who are more in their feminine energy, we really want that feeling of feeling chosen. We want a man that pursues us. We want a man who's like, that's it, she's the one for me. Because that gives us a feeling of safety. And when that feeling of safety is not there, we can't fully open and blossom and be the version of ourselves that not only we want to be in relationship, but they really want in relationship. So it's kind of this like two sided street that both parties really want. The men really want to be in their pursuit and masculine energy. However, they're also afraid of love. They're afraid that the love is to take them away from their careers and it's going to make them become wusses, sissies. We have, we have so many like terms like oh you're, you're a pussy now, you're whipped. So men are afraid of that happening. So they're afraid of love. They often see love as a liability. And women, we often want love so badly that we're like, I just want to love. Could it be you? Could it be you? Oh well, you're not really meeting any of my needs and you're not really even texting me first or any of the things but like I just want to love love. So how can we get in right relation? Well, I think for us women it's waiting to have the qualities that we want to feel in the dynamic. So the third tip I want to say is don't fall for the fantasy. The fantasy is so fucking big. You know, there's this concept called limerence and it's a psychological phenomenon that often happens after we leave long term relationships, especially where we become a obsessed with someone. So have you ever had a crush or maybe you have a crush right now on someone that maybe you've never even met. Like, maybe it's someone from social media, or maybe it's someone that, like, you kind of. Like you've seen them at the gym or you. You know a little bit about them, but you haven't really fully dropped in. So this obsession, you know, you may be thinking, this person has everything I'm looking for. I see their initials everywhere I go. I see angel numbers every time their name pops up on my ph. They have all the qualities I'm looking for. And often when we're going through a challenging heartbreak or divorce, we think this whole thing will be worth it if I end up with this person. So what the brain is actually doing is it's trying to get us out of this really tough emotional place that we're in. Because heartbreak is fucking gnarly. And when you're in it, it's so heavy and it's so often dark and deep that. That this crush gives you this glimmer of hope, this glimmer of, there's someone else so much better out there. And once I'm through this, I'm going to be with that person and we'll all be worth it. However, it's not really about that person because we don't know that person. And that person's shit also stank. And we often project this fantasy on this person, and we fall in love with the fantasy, but we think it's the person. Now, I will say limerence can be very helpful. You know, the brain is doing it for a reason. It's very wise and intelligent because it's giving us something that kind of raises our vibration. When you have a fantasy, it's like you get something that you get to daydream about, right? Like, oh, like, I can't wait. But the thing is, eventually we have to, like, let go of the training wheels and get out of that fantasy, because eventually the reality hits of we're not in a real relationship with that person. And if we stay in this crush, this obsession, well, we're not looking at the people potentially right around us that we can be in relationship with. And maybe they're not, you know, in one direction or, you know, love expert on YouTube or whoever the crush is. But there's someone that makes you feel the way that you want to feel. So I find that limerence. And it's such a huge phenomenon. I've seen it in myself and so many of my friends. It's a crutch. And it can be Very supportive. But we also have to know when to drop the fantasy and decide. Like, I want something real. So drop the fantasy and start to be in the reality of what is possible. Now, being in the reality of what is possible doesn't mean giving up. It doesn't mean settling. It doesn't mean being with someone simply because you don't want to be alone. But it means maybe looking at people who might not be your textbook type and being open and interested or someone who maybe match with them on the app and you're like, I don't really know, just go on the date and see. You know, you may like them, you may not. You know, I see a lot of people on these apps, they're like, if someone doesn't take you out to dinner on the first date, they're a cheap date and don't even bother it. But I think it's also important to have a compassion for the man's perspective. You know, I've spoken to a lot of men about their experiences in dating and a lot of them feel like especially on these apps, they get catfished a lot lot that a lot of women Photoshop their pictures, use a lot of filters and have a really different energy in person than they show online. Right. It's really easy for us to have like this fake depiction of ourselves online. So men have showed up on dates and the person looks and acts nothing like they do on, on their profile. So I think a lot of men have become jaded as a result of that. So they're not wanting to take a stranger out to a dinner that will potentially cost them hundreds of dollars when they don't know them. So I see right now there is this kind of push pull that's happening that men are not asking women out as much because the of the resources, because of the time, because they've been jaded. There's also the fact that a lot of men are getting their sexual needs met in situationships or through pornography. So then the women are not feeling chased, pursued, chosen, important, which is bringing down their, their self worth, which then either makes them decide I'm going to be single forever or I'm just going to be in a situationship. So there does need to be this like overall revolutionizing of relationship, which I hope this podcast can, can help. And that's why I want to create my docu series. But to not take it personally, if a guy wants to meet with you for coffee for the first day, that doesn't mean he's a cheap date. It just means he wants to see if you guys actually jive. You know, there's this huge movement right now in the online single dating space of like the Sprinkle Sprinkle. You haven't heard? It's this. It's this woman, Shara, and I think she's actually really funny, but it's pretty toxic advice. You know, it's this. It's this idea that men are never going to meet your emotional needs, so you might as well just get money out of them. And it's this really old school patriarchal conditioning that. That a woman's sexuality and beauty is a means to get something. And that sex and love is not really for us, but it's rather something that we use to hook a man to get monetary resources. And I understand why. Throughout modern history, this has worked again. My grandmother, my dad's mom was in a forced child marriage when she was 13 years old. And every woman in my lineage before that was in a forced child marriage. So I literally come from a culture in Iran where a woman's youth and beauty literally has a price to a man. And I would never want to recreate that. And I think it's really sad and even scary that we're going back to that because the truth is that we all really just want love. Like, love is the most powerful and beautiful thing. There's this show, I never even watched it before called Love on the Spectrum. And it just ended up on my TikTok last night and I started watching clips. I was crying. If you guys haven't seen this show, like, before, I was like, I don't. I don't. I don't even own a tv. And I had heard of it, but it didn't appeal to me. I started watching clips from it and what was so beautiful of it was the purity of their love. You know, it's these different people with special needs. They're mostly autistic, so they don't have the same filters and game playing that we have now. They're not doing a method of sprinkle sprinkle and pretending that their heel broke and being like, oh my God, my heel broke. Well, buy me a new one. To get a man to start being their sugar daddy, they're so far from that. They're pure. Like this clip that I saw, they went on this trip to Africa together because they both love animals. And he's like, what animals do you love? And they're talking about what candies they love. And then they, like, look at each other and they start singing, can you feel the love tonight from Lion King and I was just bawling. It was just what love is meant to be. And what was really inspiring about it, which I'm going to say is the next tip, is they were being themselves from the beginning. So often at the beginning of dating someone, we try to put what we think is our best foot forward, AKA what we think they'll like, what we think will get us the next date because we just to want, want the love, right? We just want to be in love again. We just want to be back in that orbit where we feel at home in someone's arms and we just feel held and cherished and we'll do anything to get back there. So we do and we coerce ourselves, we minimize ourselves, we try to fit into the box and you end up in the relationship and you're so alone because this person doesn't want to sing the Lion King with you and they don't love to dance the way that you do and you can't laugh together but you convinced yourself that you can be in love with them. They get your needs met, they have money, stability. That's what love is, right? It's so lonely to be in a relationship where you're not fully met. And dating is the means to trying different people who you can ultimately be in relationship with again. It's not about winning everyone over. It's about finding someone that you can claim, create a life with. So one thing that you can take from that love on the Spectrum show is to be your full self from the beginning. If you're super silly, show up that way from the get go. And if that's not for that other person, it's better to know after date one, you know, I saw this like screenshot of, of a text message thread on, on social media and the guy messaged the girl after the date and he was just like, you are super weird and there's someone who's perfect for you and it's just not me me. And actually how beautiful that he was honest enough to share that rather than just ghosting. I would much rather just be my full weird self who's always karaoke to something and making funny jokes and you know, wearing my hot pink feather outfit and have someone be like, yeah, this is not, this is not my thing. But like, you will find someone who's for you because I know I will. Rather than me showing up like, you know, whatever I think I'm supposed to be to get that person, then I end up in a relationship, I Can't be myself. So my friend Layla Martin gave me this piece of advice which I really resonated with. And she said I show up as the wife, as the partner that I want to be on the first three dates, and if that person is not reciprocating, they're not able to match it, to meet it. It doesn't feel like a fit. After three dates, I move on. So instead of what we're really taught in our society of like, be mysterious, be hard to get like all of these like dark femme energy ebooks out there, which by the way, are not even real dark femme energy. It's just like manipulation. Great. Let's say you find a guy who is only into you because you're responding to his texts at this length of time and in this way. And you did the triangle gaze at him. You nailed it all. Let's say you, you got him, but you have to keep this game going. What happens when you let your guard down? What happens when you just want to talk? What happens when you just want to shoot the shit with someone and be silly and let your hair down and be real? Then he's gone, the game is over. Because he wasn't really there for you. He was there for the chase. And that's such a sad place to be when you can't even be your full self with someone because you feel like you'll lose that them. So instead, you know, for me, I'm such a communication person. Like I. If I'm in a relationship with someone, I love to be talking to you. I want to know what you're doing. Like, I, I want to send pictures back and forth. Like I'm like an intimate person, right? So it doesn't mean I'm going to like show up like fully like the way I would with my best friend with them. But like, I will like FaceTime someone and see if they reciprocate that. Are they open to that? If someone's like, no, I can't FaceTime, it's like, I probably wouldn't be the right partner for you. If someone's like, I can't talk during the day, I'm just working and I only check my phone after 7pm for this. Someone's really strict there. I'm not the right partner for them. There may be someone who loves that. There may be someone whose season in their life is, is a good balance for that. I'm someone that right now I want real partnership. I want to go adventures with someone. I want to go to music festivals with someone, that's the stage of life that I'm at. So I want to be with someone that has that. So instead I just show up as my self from the beginning, and if it's not a fit, I have the courage to move on. And that's something that I think is. Is the hardest thing that we often hold on to this person thinking that they'll change or they'll, you know, eventually come around. And. And the truth is they might, but. But they might not, you know. And there's a really interesting quote I. I read that resonated that said that women enter into relationship thinking, I'm going to change him, him. And men enter into relationship thinking, she's never going to change. So then what ends the relationship is. Woman didn't change him. He didn't heal. He didn't become the divine masculine man I wanted him to be. Had all these plans for him in my mind didn't happen. And the men are thinking, she's changed. She wasn't like this. She used to watch football with me. She used to laugh at all my jokes. She used to watch me shoot hoops. She doesn't do that anymore. What was actually happening at the beginning is the woman was maybe doing those things that she didn't really want to do because she was trying to win the guy over. He had this expectation of, oh, this is what the relationship is going to be like. And then once she got him, she's like, oh, I actually want to do new moon rituals with you. I actually want to talk to you for hours about what's happening in her heart. He's like, huh, what? Like, I thought that this was like a football kind of relationship. And then, so then both of them are not getting their needs met and then eventually go their separate ways. You know, all relationships end either with death or divorce. You know, someone who was just on my podcast, Rainier Wild, said that, and that really struck with me because we think that relationships are just never going to end. And they all are. You know, best case scenario, they end with death, meaning you're together for the rest of your lives until one of you passes away way. And if it's not that, which is the majority of other relationships, it's a divorce. It's. It's a rupture of some kind. And I think it's important to just know that and have your eyes wide open from the beginning of. It's not about getting into a relationship, but it's about holding it so when we can really see that, that it's it. Once you're in a relationship, it doesn't mean you're on a safe boat. And now that now you're good forever. If there's one thing that I learned from getting married and, and at 28 and divorced at 31, is that marriage does not equal stability and security for the rest of your life. You know, I had this idea that like once you're married, you're good because like no one in my family got divorced. And I, you know, experienced a very big betrayal that I had to end the marriage. And it was definitely not what I ever wanted or ever thought was going to happen. But it happened, happened and I had to look at the reality of. Wow. Life is a lot of unknown and there are things that may happen that you would have never expected. And you might think you know someone, but there are aspects of someone that even seven years into a marriage you might not know. And instead of making that cripple you in fear and close your heart, it actually allows you to love from a more pure place of I am choosing to love you knowing that this container of a relationship may not last forever. It may be for a season, it's definitely for a reason. And I'm going to trust the intelligence of love while it's here and also trust that the goddess will make it clear for me when the relationship is meant to be over. And sometimes it will be a betrayal that tears you apart. Sometimes it will be you guys are fight or, or having toxic dynamics or someone falls in love with someone else or someone gets relocated and wants to move. Or sometimes it's this really like slow and patient nudge that just says it's time to move on. And I think when you know that then you see what a gift love is that two people choosing each other at the same time. What a freaking phenomenon. I think the biggest thing I've learned from dating is like, like you like them, they like you. Miracle, Miracle. You know, because there are a lot of themes of unrequited love which I'm putting love in air quotes because it's often the limerence that we have that we are falling in love with this concept of the person, this idea, this fantasy that we have around them. And, and then often what happens is you get to know them and, and they're not that person. You know, I, I, I read this thing online which I loved and it was, is what is a crush? It's just a lack of information and I thought that that was really funny. That's a little, it was a Little sad, but it's like you have a crush on someone because you don't really know them. Once you get to know them, it either develops into love or more likely, which is again, because love is very rare. More likely, it's you. You get to know. Oh, they actually aren't this romantic Casanova who I thought they are. They're not this completely healed spiritual tant trick Shiva, that I thought he was. You know, these concepts that we have about that person, we're awoken into the reality of truth and no one is perfect. And again, we might conceptually know that. But sometimes it just takes getting to know someone to feel that. Which then brings us to oftentimes the ick. I don't think it's possible to talk about dating without talking about the ick. So it's so funny because I didn't even know what the word ick meant before until starting my. My single journey. And I've seen how that thing is, and I think there's an intelligence of the ick. So the ick is. If you haven't heard this word, the ick is what happens when you go from, like, having a crush just on someone to, like, something about them just turns you off. And then you kind of, like, want to stay really far away from them. Like something shift in the dynamic. You got to know something about them, and then all of a sudden you're just, like, repulsed by them, maybe. And. And sometimes it's not that extreme, but, like, oftentimes it is. And sometimes it's just for like, a little bit that you guys. It. It's the intelligence of you need to go your separate ways, and then sometimes the. It goes away and you guys can actually be friends. But I find that that ick. And. And again, question. If you have the ick of every single person, then there's probably some shadow work there of, you know, what are the icks that I'm getting and how are those things that I might have an ick on myself, you know, so maybe I get the ick anytime I feel a man doesn't have clear direction in his life. How can I have more clear direction in my life? And again, there's an intelligence of the ick that if you have really clear direction, man doesn't, then, yeah, you're going to be turned off by that. You know, like, there was this funny thing I saw, and I was like, do you want to instantly get the ick of any guy? Imagine him chasing a bus, and he, like, is looking for his wallet and it's just like the most funny, random thing. But I think there's something about, like, that man, like. Like being out of his power, like, chasing for something, like, not being in his stability, that for a woman, it, like, really turns us off. So I think, like, common icks are, you know, a man who doesn't have direction, doesn't have purpose, isn't. Isn't making strong plans. You don't trust his leadership. But then there's also, like, specific quirky icks, like, you know, he wears Velcro shoes or has a Velcro wallet. That's like, a big thing for some people. Or the way that he sneezes or he has sweaty palms or whatever. The thing is, like, we all have our specific ick things, but sometimes it is that divine redirection of, oh, I thought you were this person, and now I'm seeing this thing about you, and it's not going to work. And I'd be curious, like, I'm actually curious if some of you guys are in a relationship, was there an ick about this person that you were able to work through? I would be curious if that ick can, like, eventually go away. Because I do think our triggers are. Are always, you know, something within ourselves. But it doesn't necessarily mean that just because someone's giving you the ick, you have to. To, like, learn to love that person. Sometimes it is telling you to walk away, but if you're getting the ick of every single person, you may have some avoidant tendencies. So the next tip I want to suggest is to know if you're more anxious or avoidant, because that can really help you in dating and relationships. So if you are a more anxious person in dating, you are someone that wants to rush the process. You are someone that wants that. It's probably really hard for you to date multiple people at the same time. I. I tend to be more on the anxious side. So it's like, for me, people are like, date five people at a time. I'm like, I have. How do you find five people you want to date at once? Like, that has never happened to me. And the moment I start even liking one person, I just become monogamous to them instantly. So if you're, like, more like that, like, you meet someone and you're just like, I think this is it. You know, you tend to be more on. On the anxious side. So how. Okay, I think the beauty of this side is it's a lot of us lover girls. It's a lot of us who Love, romance. And we don't want to date a bunch of different people. We're like, we're looking for love. Like we want the kind of love that takes us to God, like we want to be devoted to our man, like God in human form, like it is an act of divine. Like we want our hearts to merge. And so if you are that kind of lover girl, what happens is sometimes you overlook some of the things, whether they are red flags or not even a red flag, just something that you know, you might need in relationship. But this person does not have, for example, them living in the same state as you. Right? You might meet someone and maybe you really want to have a relationship with someone that you guys go to the farmer's market on weekends and you go on little road trips together and you get to do the little things. But then you meet someone that lives on the other side of the country, but you really like them and you really see a lot of potential for the love. So even though everything you want in the relationship kind of requires this person being local to you, because you really want the love, you're going for that person. So it may work. There are so many relationships that begin long distance and then, you know, they decide to move in together to the same city. However, what often happens is there's no plan. That person would never leave where they live, you would never where you live, but you just really like them. And then it's just this inevitable heartbreak. And again, all relationships are inevitable heartbreak at some point. But if you know that you're not getting a, a really basic need met and you're just still choosing to love, it tends to be some, some anxious attachment there of like a scarcity around relationship of I'll never find someone like this again. So I, this is it. I need to make this work. This, this is a gift from God, and this is my twin flame. And I need to make this work out again. It may, but also when you have a more abundant mindset around relationship and life, you know, there are likely many people that you could potentially work with. My perspective is there are different people, we have different soul contracts with, but I don't think there's the one. You know, just one person, one person. And this whole life is you and them and like, that's it. I think there are different people that come into our lives in different chapters, but I think relationship ultimately is, is the choice of both people doing the work to stay together. And especially for those of us spiritual women, we can sometimes really get lost in the fantasy and the story. And again have that limerence around that person which then makes us have this anxious attachment style of, of this is it, this is the all or nothing. And if this doesn't work, I don't get to be in love. So I will do anything I can to make this thing work. And then what happens is then we become monogamous to this person who might not even be there. And we're not looking at all the people around us. We're not going out, we're not trying to meet new people, we're not getting introduced to friends, we're not going to parties anymore. So I find it's like when you enter into any kind of dating or relationship with someone, you're of kind, kind of getting on a ship relationship. Right? The relation is setting on a ship and it's going out into the sea. Because you're listening to this podcast, I'm going to make a quick assumption about you. Your friends come to you for advice whenever you're at a party. Someone corners you at the side of the stack table and starts telling you all of their childhood traumas. And you actually love diving deep into spiritual talk topics. And you have a really good way of communicating with people. So the best way to actually create a career doing this is through coaching. But I know a lot of people, they're like, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what type of coach I would be. So I've created a quick, easy quiz to discover your unique coaching style. So there are three categories. The intuitive, transformational or empathetic coach. So the intuitive one really works with your intuition. You're able to receive downloads, you just have insights about people. The transformational one has more of that fire energy. You love to keep it real and help people go through the deepest phoenix rising from the ashes moments in their lives. And the empathetic coach really loves to listen, hold space. They're very grounded, nurturing. So if you're curious which type you are, you can try my free quiz@quiz.highestselfinstitute.com Again that's quiz.highestselfinstitute.com which is my second school that certifies spiritual life coaches. And you can find that link in the show notes. I'm super excited to see what type of coach you are because I'mma hire you one day. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance. So one thing about me is I never have time to cook. Like I wrote a cookbook, but I never have Time to cook because my dorm is full. I'm sure yours is too. I've got a lot of things going on in the my life but I was noticing I was spending a lot on, you know, ordering food all the time and honestly they use really bad quality oils and it just like wasn't to the standard of how I want to feed myself. So my friend tried factor and I decided to give it a go and it was so delicious. So they have these like two minute meals that are ready to heat whenever you want. I absolutely love their salmon with veggies. They have keto, vegan veggie and protein options. So whatever you're looking for, they have really affordable but upscale options for you. Plus you don't have to do any cooking at all. Like they're completely made so you can just eat your meal, enjoy, feel good in your body and get back to slaying. So head over to factor meals.comsahara50 to get 50% off your meals. Again that is code SAHARA50@ Factor meals.comsahara50 To get 50% off your our meals. You can find that link in the show notes. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance. So you might think, well I know this person's not the one for me, but I really like them and I'm just gonna like be talking to them while also being open to meeting anyone else. In case I meet anyone else. I'm totally open to that too. Right. How many people have you seen say this? Have you said this before before? But then what happens? Well, you start hanging out with them every weekend and when they're not there, you're FaceTiming them and then you don't really want to go out and get dressed up and try to meet new people. And lo and behold, you kind of end up in this relationship or situationship with this person that you already know, you don't have long term compatibility with but you just didn't want to let them them go. So there's such a different energy in like truly being single when especially like for me right now, it's like there's no one I'm even talking to. I'm just like, I'm fully in my single energy. So I'm so much more open to life. Like tonight I'm going out with my friends and you know, like just doing a lot more things because I'm, I'm open. Whereas sometimes when you're like talking to that one person you start. I think a lot of us women, especially those of us who gear more anxious, which I find is. Majority of women tend to have anxious attachment style. Majority of men tend to have more avoidant attachment attachment style. This has also been found through research. But what happens is, is we shut off, you know, and we. We kind of go into relationship mode, which is a very different mode than single mode. You know, like single mode. Something happens energetically that we're like, single. You always have a glow up. You always. You're like, I'm start dressing differently. I'm gonna start doing my hair more. I'm gonna start like, you know, something happens when we become single that we like, go back to like, peacocking. Right? Right. So it's like a peacock has all these beautiful feathers and colors because it's like luring in their mate, Even though it's actually the male peacock that has the colors. So we start peacocking when we're single. And then what happens is we enter into relationship and, you know, we start to get a little bit more comfortable and we're like, I don't need to do my whole like, Dyson blowout thing. I'm just gonna, you know, do the messy bun. And he loves me for who I am. I don't need to really get dressed up. I'm just gonna wear it know, you know, that comfy T shirt. So cute. We're doing comfy T shirts and messy buns. We're at this place in our relationship that we do that. I'm so happy to be here. And you know, and then you, you, you kind of. You're like, oh, my God, I can't believe I used to wear jeans. Like, damn. Like, buttons. Not doing that anymore. I'm just doing away the sweatpants from now on. And lo and behold, I can't believe I used to like lashes. No freaking way am I doing that. And you know, there's something so beautiful about the comfort when you enter into a relationship. Like, I think you need that. You need that nesting. You need that, like, here I am undone, big, nothing but a T shirt on. I never felt so beautiful, baby. Is that too much? Now that I'm with you, we need that Jessica Simpson moment. However, then what happens is it's only the big T shirt and the messy bun. And we forget what it's even like to get dressed up. And then we're eating all the same foods that he's eating. And God bless men and their metabolism, but ours are not the same. And then we're gaining weight and we can't even fit into our old clothes anymore. And but we see these girls and they're out 9pm in a short dress and heels. Lord bless you. I'm about to go to sleep and you seem cold to me. And there's more and more separation between that single version of ourselves. And we're thanking God, thank God I'm not single anymore. Mad at that. And, you know, you just get comfier and comfier and then you end up in this cocoon where you lost your butterfly. And then in the time that something happens in the relationship, you're so afraid of leaving it because you're so afraid of being single again. And so you're willing to put up with anything to stay in the relationship even if your needs are not being met. Met. Even if you're not having sex, even if you know you're not, your values are not aligned. Even if you don't want the same vision for your life, even if you don't like their friends, even if you're fighting all the time, like, big things. But to go back to wearing the. The dress and the heels, no freaking way. So we create this, this distortion. So I share this because what I don't want you to lose sight of when you're in a relationship and something that, like, I want to bring with me, me is like, don't lose sight of your sparkle. Like, bring that same zaza za that you got when you were single with you into your relationship. And it's not about keeping him interested. Honestly, like, guys, like, don't really even know or care about fashion. They're not, they're not as evolved as we are. But it's. For you, it's so you still feel hot and you still, still feel sexy and you still feel I have options and I'm beautiful and I deserve to be treated like a queen. But it's like when we stop taking care of ourselves, we, we lose sight of that. And, and oftentimes too, it also leads to our partner being like, I used to be so attracted to you, but now you don't make an effort anymore. And I, I think we're all. They say men are visual creatures. I think we're all visual creatures. You know, we, we, we love beauty. And beauty does not mean you have to wear the high heels and the short dress. It does not mean you have to go out to the bar, the club. In fact, I will say be wise where you go, where you're single, you know, this is in my next piece of advice. We think that often being single means I need to go to the Bars to meet the people, but go to the places that you would want to meet the kind of person who you'd want to be in relation with. And I'm saying relation a relationship. So like when I first became single, like again, last time I was single, I was 24 years old, I was like, like, I guess I got to like go bar hopping. Like, where do people, where do single people meet each other? But I'm like, I don't feel that my man is like at a bar on like a Wednesday night. Like, I think he's living his dharma and he is of service to humanity and he is working on himself or he's spending time with his friends. And he's not just like throwing back some whiskeys with some folks. Like again, maybe your man is. I don't think my, my mind is doing that all the time. Time. So. But I thought, oh, I guess single people just congregate there. So instead I start to think like, where would the kind of guy I would want to be in relationship be. Be hanging out? And for me, I'm like, I feel like he would be at like conferences, you know, I feel like for me, conferences are a place where there's like a huge meeting of the minds and you're together based on shared mission, shared values. This is someone who's leaving the house, you know, not just living at home on their computer or just working all the time. But I think especially for they tend to go out and do things if it's tied in with their mission. So go to conferences, guys. Especially things that are like, maybe interesting to you or things that the kind of man that you'd be interested in would go to. Whether it's like an AI conference or a humanitarian conference, or an environmental conference, or a biohacking conference. I think these are like top notch place to meet someone that you would actually want to be in a relationship with. And also I, for me, I love music and I tend to be attracted to very musical people. So music festivals are another great place. Especially like specific genres that you love. Like I love Afrobeats. So for me, like anyone else that really vibes with afrobeats music, I know we're going to have like a shared vibration. And it's not just about the music, but it's about. We vibrate at the similar frequency. So we both probably have this very earthy resonance to us. Whereas if I went to Coachella, I don't think that that's. I might meet someone there, but it's like a hodgepodge of People. So I find it's like the specific festivals that are, like, your vibe. Sometimes it's like the really small music festivals where, like, I'm DJing at this festival in June called Mycelium, and it's like this really small one, and it's very, like, shroom vibes, you know? So it's like. So, like, that's. That's perfect for someone who's looking for that Burning Man. I hear so many people meeting their partners at Burning man, but you gotta love that vibration. So if, like, I'm not a burner, I've been a Burning Man. I don't consider myself a burner. I would much rather go to the Watering Woman than the Burning man, personally. So for me, if I'm like, oh, my God, everyone's meeting their guy at Burning Man. Let me go to Burning Man. It's like, great. Then I'm with this burner, and now we're, like, in this burner life, which is not the life that I want, but for me, like, I'm very into the Trinidad Carnival, so, like, it would be a better fit for me to meet someone who loves that, or I'm into Sufi music. Better fit for me to meet someone that loves that, you know? So it's not about just, like, finding where the guys are, but it's about finding where the ones that you would share something in common are. So. But the next tip I want to say is also don't live your life looking for the guy. So I know for a lot of us, being single is hard, and I'll be the first to admit it. Do I like being single single? If I really was honest with you, I would say no. I prefer to be in relationship. And I feel like our society almost like, villainizes you to say that. And so I'm gonna be open and say that. For me, being single has been incredible. It's been healing, it's been expansive. It's allowed me to create the life that I deeply desire and become an artist. And I'm sure when I'm in a relationship, I'm gonna even look back on this with you and Fonder Eyes. However, for me, I. I love partnership. I love intimacy. I love, like, having that personality person. And I chose to be single for over a year so I could do that deep healing work to hold that. But my intention is not to be single for the rest of my life. Some people are totally okay with that. I have some friends that they're like, I love being single so much that it's hard for me to be in relationship because I don't want to give up that freedom. They tend to be more on the avoidant side. So let's talk about avoidance for, for a second here because we kind of got into, into the anxious. So avoidance are. You're afraid if you enter into a relationship you're going to lose yourself and every time you find someone that's into you, you kind of start pushing them away and you're a little bit more into the chase. You love the, the unavailable. Well actually, let me, let me backtrack on that because I actually find it's the anxious that love the unavailable guys. Avoidance often might want an unavailable guy, but they end up with the anxious, anxious. So one of my best friends, she's, she's avoidant. Two of my best friends are avoidant. So I, and so we're always talking about dating and it's like such different experiences. So they want to be with someone who gives them all the space and all this freedom so they can do their own thing. They're not even looking for a relationship. They want to be single. They love Friday night just being on their own. They're not, they're like, if relationship happens, it happens. If not, it doesn't. Who do they constantly end up with? The anxious, most anxious of the men. I'm like, I, I didn't even know anxious men existed because I find all the avoidant ones. So it's often you, you attract the opposite of what you are until you become secure and then you attract another secure person. But I would say we're all, we all lean towards one because no one is secure 100 of the time. So, you know, I would say I'm secure in my attachment style. I was able to be in long term relationships, but, but I find, where do I go when there's here, here's a good place for you to know what you, when you are. When there is a fight, a rupture in the relationship, do you want to lean in and talk about it and like see how they feel and get to the bottom of it right now or do you want to leave, go for a drive, go for a walk and not talk about it for kind of as long as possible because you kind of need to regroup. So if you're that person that wants to like merge and go into that person and you actually feel really anxious if they're going away, you tend to be more in the anxious, anxious side. If you are that person when there's a rupture, you need space because you're afraid of honestly saying the wrong thing and you need just time with your own thoughts to process and you just don't want to speak too soon. And honestly, having really heavy conversations is a lot for you and you would much rather just like deal with it on your own than you are an avoidant. And we tend to attract each other. How perfect is that to do the healing work? So if you are an avoidant in, in dating, what I, what I find is you set such high standards of what you're looking for. You know, I need someone that has a completely symmetrical face and he needs to be six feet tall, six pack for sure, Healthy, successful, tan, world traveler, spiritual, emotionally available, only flies business class, this, that, that he's not all of these things. It's a no for me. What I love about that is it's, I think it's great to have high standards. Like I think more women should have high standards because that would also cause the masculine to rise up. However, no one is perfect and there are many opportunities for love that don't present ourselves in this package of what our minds think the love should be. So we are writing these lists, these manifestation lists based on who our egoic minds think we should be with, based on our existing experiences, which by the way, our existing experiences have not yet guided us to what we actually really want. So often who we think we want to date is not actually who we want to date. We might have, have some areas that we know, but you may be taken by total surprise. So I find the avoidance, they, they have these really, really high standards that no one will ever meet because that's their way of keeping themselves safe, of, well, if they're not this person, I'm not interested. Because if you're not interested, you don't have to open your heart and love and then you never have to experience pain. Or so you think. So I find avoidant people, they hold people to such high standards because, because they are afraid of love. Because love is messy and love will take you on a journey and it doesn't make sense, but it is the biggest miracle we can experience in our lifetime. I find avoidance get the ick a lot more easily than anxious people do. They're like looking for the thing that's wrong with that person, you know, and even when they start dating someone, they're like, this isn't going to work out because da da da. So I think what anxious people can learn from avoidant people is like, avoidant people are not afraid of walking away. They're not afraid to be like, you know what? I don't like the energy that that phone call was at and I don't really think this is the right person for me based on that conversation. So I'm going to walk away and it's like whoa. Like that's a, in a way a very abundant way of, of looking at love that I think a lot of avoidance. They sometimes go too much the opposite way of they're just like I'll just find, find someone else. I'll just find someone else exactly like that who also has these qualities. And that can be a double edged sword, you know because there is no one that's like you. Right? Like imagine if someone was dating you and all your qualities they're like she's spiritual, she's fun, she's in her heart, she's wise, she's really empathic, she's caring but you know, she's not, not hot enough for me. She, I don't know. I don't really like her style. So I'm going to find someone who's exactly like her but also even hotter. Also even bigger tits and ass also. But exactly everything else about her it's like it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. And that's messed up. It's like there is this perfect person but you're pushing them away because you think you're going to get all of that plus a bag of chips. And it's like that's just not how the world works. Like it's actually, actually a horrible way of looking at people to think that there's someone exactly like them. But, but also having these things right because it, it every person is a snowflake and every single person is unique. You may find qualities of that person again in someone else but they're never going to be that exact same package. So that's my message for the avoidant people of it's not like you can just like replace them with the new 2024 model. Every person's going to be unique and that person that may not have been enough for you in certain areas. Areas often will have qualities that you won't find in anyone else. Now let me flip it and reverse it for the anxious types that, that person that you're holding on to that, oh they are just the one. They have everything I'm looking for and I'm, I'm never going to find someone like them. They're likely is someone on planet Earth out there who has similar qualities but can also meet you in ways that this person is isn't because if this person isn't making the effort to be with you, then no relationship's really going to work. So for us anxious types, sometimes we, we so fall in love with this person and their idea of them and who we think they are, but we're not looking at their actions and how they treat us. And no relationship is going to work period if they are not trying. So for me, a huge mantra I have for this year is like reciprocal relationships only lonely. Like I'm such a loving person and I want to pour my love into someone. But if I am loving and that person has a guard up all the time, it's like I'm not going to have the kind of relationship that I want. Doesn't mean I like show up like singing to them on I do definitely sing but it's not like I show up in like full spectrum love or girl self from the get go. But if it's like I can feel that person's just like not they're, they're really heart closed. It's like I need to know that there's someone else who does value romance, who does value depth and you know, tantra and the things that I, that matter to me more than anything in life. So note how they're treating you. If, if the person is putting effort in, then it doesn't matter what their interests are. If they really want to be with you, they'll learn about tantra, they'll learn how to, to do the shadow work needed. They'll go through this journey with you. The most important thing is their level of caring. So in dating, instead of looking at who they are out in the world, look at who they are in relationship with you. Because that same person may be totally different in a relationship with someone else. You know, you may have this idea of like I want someone who's, you know, they're an athlete and they're successful and they're good looking and they're spiritual and they have great style and all these things. But they like don't even text you. They may have all the things but if they don't text you, this is not going to be relationship. And this might sound harsh, but I'm just going to say it because it was like a big aha moment for me. It's like your soulmate's going to text you first, you know. And like sometimes we try to convince ourselves this is my soulmate. But it's like if they were your soulmate they would see you too. They would make an effort, they would try. And how beautiful that you got a glimpse of an archetype, you know, so now when I see someone, it might not be that person. I take, what did I receive from that archetype? What inspired me? Ooh. I really like how this person is really in their body. I really like the way that this person takes care of themselves. I really like the stability that this person has created. I really like how this person is so connected to their inner child. And I even have a list of, of the things that I've learned and I appreciate about this person. And it doesn't mean that my person is going to have every single one of those qualities, but it means I can be grateful for everyone that shows up and learn from them something that I do want in my relationship. So it allows you to see that no time ever spent dating is ever wasted. It allows you to learn what you like and you don't like. And that's why I think dating is important before going into relationship, but because when we don't have that, when we go from one relationship to the next, we don't really get to know ourselves. So dating, really, what I have found is it's more you getting to know yourself than it is the other person. And to be honest, like, I don't really even go on dates because often I can just intuit. It's like when you're an oracle, you kind of don't need to fuck around to find out. You know, it's just like you can kind of intuit. But through the archetype of that person, person, through even getting to know them as a friend, even through like an interaction with them on an app on, on a dm, I can already see is this how I want to feel. So if someone's like breadcrumbing me, it's a total no for me. Even if they are like everything I would want on paper, it's like, I don't want to be in relationship with someone that doesn't ask me questions. I don't want to be in relationship with someone that, that doesn't really try, that, you know, takes three days to respond to everything, is just not the kind of relationship I want to be at, bless your light. But I have to keep it moving. And I think that that's so important to just be honest with yourself. And you can only know that sometimes by trying different things out. And again, like we talked about being open hearted. You know, Another great piece of advice I received is, is treat every man as he's potentially your case king. You know, I think so often to protect ourselves from being hurt, we're like, well, this one's not going anywhere. You know, this is a, this one's just for now. But would you want someone to be dating you thinking, well she's definitely not going anywhere. She's just for now, definitely don't see this one in, in long term. Lots, lots of things I don't like. It's like, well, first of all, why waste your time? But second of all, it's like that's not how you want to be true treated. But then why do we do this to men? So what I have learned is like treat if, if you want to date someone, treat every man as if he is your king. And again, if he can't hold that after five minutes, you can know to walk away. And if you are someone that's going on a lot of dates, I think it's really important to set time limits for yourself. You know, I. And again, I don't really go on many dates. But, but my friend, she, she went on like a hundred dates and she gave me some really great advice that she always at the beginning says I have a heart out at X time because I have another, I have another meeting or something. So that way, let's say they're meeting for a juice or something. I have a heart out at four. Cause I have to like get across town that way she has the hour there. If she doesn't like it, she's not stuck on it, she doesn't have to like awkwardly leave. And if she does like them, it's like you got a little judge, you got a little tasty taste and, and now you can come back and it's, it's best to leave it on a high. Like I remember this like one date I went on, I did not know how to leave. Like he just kept talking and talking. I'm just such a listener. So I just kept listening. I think I was listening to him talk for four hours and I didn't even on it. I was like, I don't ever want to see this person again. But he was just a human and I just felt bad and I don't think he's ever had anyone to talk. I. If you're like me, they end up telling you their whole life story and their childhood traumas and, and this. And I had to really learn how to set boundaries there. But what I could have done differently is at the beginning of the date, I could have said, hey, I, I have until 2pm let's have lunch. And then I could have walked away and then regrouped myself in my own energy and realized that that wasn't the right person for me. So I do definitely recommend having a hard out. And also when you go on a date with that person, especially if it's a longer date, like a dinner date, take a moment to go to the bathroom by yourself and just, just check in, Check in. How's my body feeling? Look at yourself in the mirror. Like, how's your energy? If you're anything like me, I'm a projector as well. So I get very lost in the conversation that I kind of like forget that I'm a human and I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm so in it with them. So I find that to be very helpful so I can tune into how do I feel? Because ultimately the relationship that you're in is how you're going to feel. And every person makes us feel a different way. So you might have certain friends that like brings out your inner child and you guys laugh all the time. And you may have certain friends that you guys go really deep and talk about like really deep vulnerable things. And you may have other friends that you know, you guys like are always talking about business ideas and other friends. You guys talk about spirituality and, and hopefully with your partner you can talk to about all of these things. But every even relationship is going to have a different tone, quality and texture. So is it how you want to feel in your life? Are you at a time in your life that maybe you, you want to be with someone that feels really peaceful and calm and you can just sit in your silence together and they just feel like a cool ocean breeze and like this deep exhale. You just feel so grounded, grounded in their presence. Or maybe you want to be with someone that you're really creative together, that when you're together it's like two mad scientists buzzing with ideas and you're bouncing off of each other and you're like in your own vortex. Or maybe you want to be with someone that there's just so much love. It's so loving, it's so heart centered, it's so romantic. You guys just can't stop kissing and touching each other. And relationships can have different dynamics. You know, you might be really good at being friends and really good at being lovers. You may have a really strong sexual dynamic, but also a very strong business dynamic. But every relationship will have its own signature. So is this the signature that you want? And I Think that that's a really important question to ask. And it's often one that you don't really fully know until you've dated different people. Because then you can see, okay, in this dating dynamic, I will play the role of their spiritual teacher. Is that the role I want to be in relationship in this dating dynamic? Dynamic. They're playing the role of teacher for me in this. Do I want to be in that dynamic? In this dynamic, we are laughing lots a lot of inner child. But maybe we don't have like a sexual spark in this dynamic. It's like best friends, but maybe they're not very romantic and everyone's gonna have, you know, they're missing pieces and, and they're also things that again, if you care enough, you can work on. But I think it's really important to just like, notice how you feel feel and, and, and that's why taking it slow is really helpful because then you can notice like every time I'm with them, when I come home, what's showing up for me. Like, I have certain friends that when I'm with them and I come home, I am buzzing with ideas. I like, am writing a book proposal. I am like, you know, diving really deep into topics and other friends that. It's just so silly. Like we're just saying each other memes all the time. We are hilarious together. Together. It's, it's just very playful energy. And we, we know we have this with our friends. So of course we're going to have this in different relationships. So what's the dynamic that can really serve you? Another piece of advice that I really want to add is that when you're dating someone, it's less about how they are on the dates and even more about how they communicate with you between dates. So on a date, you guys are there, you're face to face, you're vibing with each other, and often things are, are good. But it's in between dates that you want to look at. Do they follow up with you? Do they text you? Are they communicative? Do they plan the next date? Because most of the time in your relationship, you're not going to be with that person physically, right? They're going to be working, you're going to be working. You guys might travel separately, but is this someone that keeps in touch with me? Is this the level of communication that I desire to be in? So again, some people are like not phone people. When you're not with them, you're not going to hear from them for like days. On end. Does that work with you? Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like that? Some people, they're texting all the time. Do you like that? Maybe that's too much for you. Maybe you love that. For me, if I'm dating someone, I want to kind of allow myself to be led by them. I. I am more interested in a man, man that like, takes charge, takes lead, plans the next date. I like that feeling of like security in that, of like knowing there's going to be the next date. I don't do well if a guy's like, yeah, I definitely want to see you. I'm going to look at my schedule. Let's see. Like, that energy does not work for me. Right. But instead of holding on to the fantasy, thinking that they're going to change it again, you can always give feedback in communication and people can learn and grow. And I think there is a level of growth that needs to happen. You have to learn how to communicate with each other, each other. But there's also just like long term, this is just how the person is communicative styles. So someone that, like, it's their practice that they turn their phones off on the weekends and they take a vow of silence. And they've been doing that for 20 years. They're not going to change that because it makes you anxious. You have to accept that, you know. And someone else who, you know, like, loves to text good morning, loves text good night, loves to check in. They really, they really need that level of communication. Communication likely is not going to be okay with you not wanting to talk throughout the day. Right. So we have to kind of accept the level of communication that we have while also being able to give feedback later on. So note how they are. And I think for a lot of us women, we want to have that communication. So if a guy is not communicating, he's not planning the next date. Don't put all your eggs in that one basket because there are men who do that. So the last thing I want to say is, don't be weary if someone's taking it slow. So often we are used to emotional intensity in a relationship. We're used to meeting someone and there's chemistry and there's sparks and we are just obsessed with each other and we're texting all the time. And then like the next day, it's like you guys entered into boyfriend, girlfriend dynamic. And it feels so good, you know, it's like, oh my God, they're meeting there. But what happens oftentimes in those is it ends just as quickly as it starts started, right? And while the love bomb can feel really good, what comes up must go down. So I actually really respect men that take it slow. That, you know, they, they make a plan and they let you know they want to see you and they're communicating with you. To me, if you're dating someone, you communicate daily though everyone is different, but they're not like, hey baby, like, what are you doing right now? From the get go. Because keep in mind, they had a life before the relationship and so did you. And I think it's so easy when we start dating someone to like forget about our, our old lives instantly. And I think it's important to also show them, like, you have friends, you have a life and you're busy. Like you had a full life going before you met them like three days ago. So stop making them the center of everything that you do. What I find happens with a lot of us women is like, we meet someone and we're like, oh my God, this is it. They're going to be my date to this wedding and they're going to come to this music festival with me and they're going to come to this party with me and we're like planning the year, you know, but then it's like 99% of the time that doesn't happen. So I think it's really important to like, learn from that too. Taking it slow, you know, I, I think like once a week going on a date is a great pace because it allows you to check in with yourself in between dates and not get super lost in the sauce that happens that like, I feel like when you enter into relationship with someone, someone, it's like, you know when you go to the mall and there was like those coin things that you dropped in and it starts spiraling and it's like circling and circling and circling and circling and so going faster and faster and faster. That's what happens when you enter into the vortex of someone. It's like you meet at the beginning, it's slow. Do we like each other? Checking in, checking in. And as you get to know each other and it's like, green flag, green flag, green flag, green flag, green flag, green flag. It goes, the spiral goes faster and faster and faster and faster. However, what a lot of us want is like, we want the middle part of it where it's like going at a million miles per hour. We want to be back there. We want to be in full blown love. Like, trust me, I get you. You know, Like, I, I always see these funny quotes on my Instagram and it's like, what do you mean, take it slow? I've already written poetry about you and the stars. And it's like, love that. But that is also a recipe for disaster when it comes to dating and relationship, because then we're like, we don't know the person yet to be in love. We want to be in love, but we don't know if they're the person capable of holding our love, if they're a match for our love. So at the beginning, I know it's a real good love and you want to dive in. It's so juicy, especially if they're there. And it doesn't mean you have to do once a week, like, go at your own pace. But remember your life, remember your friends, remember the things that you love to do when you're single. Remember taking care of yourself. Have a weekend night where you're alone. Don't instantly move your stuff into their apartment, because when that happens and you go really, really fast and really hot and heavy, it comes with a lot of unsp. Expectations. And then eventually the reality sets in and we're like, you're not who I thought you were. And then we're heartbroken because the fantasy is over. So instead, take it a little slower than you want. There's never any harm in taking it slower. Like, it, it like, I would say, don't see them once a month or something, but once a week, two times, three times a week, maybe just not every single day at the beginning. Because when it turns into this single day thing, that's when you lose sight of yourself, and that's when you lose sight of, of the signs happening around you because you're just in it. Take it a little bit slower than you want, Take a breath, do some other things. And that's actually going to keep you really magnetic, you know, because there's something really sexy about a person, woman and man, who's. Who's in their power, who has other things going on, who's like, I can't wait to see you on Saturday. On Friday, I'm going out to the Harry Potter show with. By friends. And it's like, wouldn't you want to date someone that still values their friendships? You know, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that just met me and, like, gave up their whole life for me. Like, of course, like, the romantic in me loves that. But, but realistically, well, that means that that person might find someone else and, And Drop everything might drop me, you know? So there's something really beautiful about slow and steady and taking it slow and. And just trusting that things unravel with time, you know? And I think there's something really romantic about that. We kind of, like, want to rush into, like, husband and wife mode. But, like, I remember when I was married, I would be like, can I call you my boyfriend? Can you be. Can you call your girlfriend? Like, I used to think that was really cute, you know, because. But I remember when I was dating, I would want to call him my husband, you know? Has ever happened to you? And then it's like, you. When you're dating, you can't wait to call them fiance, and then fiance, can't wait to call him husband, then husband. You can't wait to call them boyfriend, you know? And it's like, we're always, like, wanting what we can't have. So it's just like. Just like loving the desire at the beginning. That desire is so sexy. Letting that desire be there, dancing with that desire. Like, that desire might be driving you crazy. Oh, my God. I just want to see them again. I just want to know everything about them. I just want to know what's on their mind. Like, it is intoxicating. But if you just dive all the way in instead of, like, deliciously, like, having that cake one spoon at a time and letting it ooze through your mouth, and then putting in the fridge and knowing that you're gonna have a little bit more after dinner, and then, oh, and maybe a little bit at breakfast tomorrow and letting that cake linger out the whole week and even saving some in your freezer to have on your next birthday. Instead of doing that, we're like, give me the cake now. We Matilda that all in my mouth. And then we're like, I feel s. Oh, my God. He was a narcissist. I said, how did I get back here, guys? Why didn't you tell me? They're like, oh, we couldn't even get a hold of you. You just got fucking lost in the love sauce. You're like, I feel nauseous. It wasn't gluten free. I thought it was gluten free. So we don't want to do that shit. Let it linger. Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to let it linger? Yes, you do. If you want the love to really come through because. Cause you'll know it fits for show. This podcast. I should just do it all in song form. But for real, let it linger. Let it go a little bit slower than for comfort. Like that's where the turn on happens, you know, like in tantra and sacred sexuality. It's like let the turn on build in your body. Let every part of your body be aroused. Touch your feet all the way up and feel the soles of your feet and feel your eyes ankle bone. Oh, how like you can have an orgasm just from your foot. I mean, we all kind of know that foot fetish are a big thing these days. But like you can just do it on yourself and then going up your leg, I mean by then you're just so juiced up as opposed to just like smack in the. That's intense. So why smack the your relationships, you know, like let it linger because you're gonna enjoy it so much longer and you will have more multiple orgasms, baby. So let your relationship be multi orgasmic, orgasmic like for the rest of your life. But that could only happen when there's enough foreplay. Dating is the foreplay. Getting to know each other is the foreplay. There's no rush, there's no end goal. Marriage is not the happily ever after where they're never going to leave you and then you don't have to worry about anything again. Relationship is uncertainty, period. Period. Human emotions are the most fickle of things. We drive ourselves crazy to get out of the uncertainty. But the truth is, it's the uncertainty that's turning us on. It's the not knowing if you're gonna see him again, if he's gonna call you back, where it's gonna go. If he likes you the way that you like him, that's actually what's turning you on. Because what are butterflies? Butterflies are excitement and nervousness together. If you don't actually feel like a little nervous, you don't feel butterflies. And that's why often the butterflies go away when you get to know them because you don't feel nervous anymore. You now feel safe. So you don't have those same butterflies because you actually feel safe with that person. So don't just chase the butterflies, but also like enjoy them when they're there. I'm definitely not anti butterfly. I got a butterfly tattoo. Like, I love that feeling of like, do they like me? Do I like them? Like that cute crush thing. But we try to get ourselves out of it and we're like, hey, are you my forever person or not? If not, just walk out the door right now. Because I'm just looking for forever. And it's like Imagine if, like, you met a friend for coffee. Like, someone for the first time, a friend of a friend. It was just your first time meeting. You're getting to know each other, and they're like, hey, listen, Cynthia, I like you. Seems you like me. Do you want to do forever with only me for the rest of time? Sign a contract? If not, you're a fuck girl. You don't see my worth. If you don't only want me to be your only friend for the rest of your life, you don't see my value, and I'm out. I will never speak to you again. If you don't only want me to be your friend for eternity, your one and only. It's like I just met you. I don't even know you. So we have to think about it like that. Like when we do these ultimatum games. I know it's a show. I know know they say to sprinkle, sprinkle that, but it's like. Like imagine being on the receiving end of that. Someone's like, you can only. I can be your one and only friend for the rest of time. If not, you're a girl. Like, that's intense. So instead, how do you know you want to be with them forever? How do you know if anything is forever? Nothing in this life is actually forever. So instead, enjoy the dance, enjoy the desire, enjoy the stripping, enjoy the unfolding. Enjoy the getting to know each other, because that's where the magic really happens. And I know dating sucks, and I know it's hard, and I know it's an epidemic. Trust me, I'm gonna make that docu series. Watch the Space. However, married people are secretly really jealous of the excitement that happens when you're single. It's like, okay, let's be real. Every day when you're single is like a movie. So much happens every single day. You got stories for stories. And your married friends love talking, talking to you. They're like, tell us more. What happened to. To Joey, the guy in sales. Oh, did you ever hear back from Dustin the doctor? Oh, tell us about Chris, the writer guy. It's like, so interesting. Even their. Their husbands want to get involved. Right? I'm like the entertainment for all my friends at this point, you know, because single people, we have the most interesting of lives. So don't try to rush the process, because one day you're gonna look back on the stage of your life with really fond eyes. You're going to say, I wish I enjoyed it more because I eventually met the man, and he's all the things. And it's not perfect, but I'm really happy and I'm so grateful to be in this relationship. But I wish I enjoyed being single a little bit more. I wish I wasn't so anxious the whole time. I wish I didn't spend the whole time just wishing he was here because now he's here. And I. I kind of wish I was single for just a. Just a day. Just to have that. That spontaneity and freedom again, you know? So one day you'll be looking back on this moment, wishing that you'd maybe traveled a little bit more, maybe spent a little bit more time with your girlfriends, maybe spent more time by yourself, maybe dated more people, maybe had more exploration. Whatever that thing is for you, do it. Because your man might be right around the corner. Literally, you might bump into him and meet him tomorrow, and this whole chapter of your life is done. Done. Because once you meet him, it moves pretty fast, though we're gonna let it linger. But it does move fast, so enjoy this chapter, as hard as it is. And again, I'm speaking to myself. I know one day I'm gonna be really listening to this podcast after I'm in this, like, deep, Sabrina Claudio deep feminine, yearning rabbit hole where I'm like, where's my man? Unbreak my heart. But I'm gonna listen to this podcast and it's gonna be like, oh, yeah, that you're right. You are wearing a freaking pink 2000s feather jumpsuit. Rocking it. You were crushing it being single, Sahara. So remember that. And you, whatever you're wearing right now, let's just like, let's just enjoy this a little bit more. I mean, let's just do it for the plot, you know, let's just do some fun things for the plot, like things that. The stories we're going to tell our grandkids one day, things that will keep our married friends entertained. You know, we have that response. Responsibility. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. Please leave a review for it on the itunes store and let me know what you thought. I just love being my crate. By the way, do you notice this podcast set? This is at my new place. I moved back to la. My place got broken into in London, so I kind of had to run out of there. But I'm so grateful because my setbacks made me the remix. Now I'm rising like the phoenix My pocket's blowing up like Jesus. So now I have my own home studio here in la, which feels really good. So I'm able to do my podcast from my house which feels amazing and we got a freaking logo behind us which is pretty cool. So your dreams are possible and sometimes your greatest obstacles lead to your greatest blessing. So leave a review for this podcast on the itunes store and as a free gift for leaving a review, I will send you my womb meditation which is a meditation that you can do to tune into your sacred womb space, the house of your divine feminine so you can receive her answers on any questions you want have of relationships, dating, whatever. The thing is ask your womb, she knows what's up. So leave review for it on the itunes store podcast. You just look up podcasts on your phone, leave a review, take a screenshot of it and then email it over to me at sahara I am sahararose.com that's sahara I am saharose.com you can find that email and all the links mentioned in the show notes and also let me know what topics you would love for me to join Jive on solo casts conversations. Love to to see me do. Do you like the solo cast you want? Like let me know what you like. Like tell me what you like. Tell me what you like. Do you like when I sing? I hope so because that's not stopping. So I hope you enjoyed this episode and I'll see you on the next one. Trust your intuition. Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen. So just trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom, Trust your inner guidance.