544: A Spiritual Girlies's Guide to Settling, Dealbreakers + Online Dating with Rosie Acosta

Settling is like levels of consciousness. Like, I won't settle on someone they don't need to be exactly at my level of consciousness. It's like, maybe they're more involved in some ways in me, in other ways, but, like, someone that I wouldn't have be my friend. I think that was one of my biggest lessons, too. Like, and that's why too is like, I would love ideally to be friends with whoever I'm in a relationship with first, because then it's like you're really being yourself without the trying to impress each other and spin game and putting your best face forward and then to grow from there, I think is a really beautiful thing. Welcome back to the Highest Health Podcast. My name is Sahara Rose, and on this podcast I love to talk about matters of the heart in my own journey. After my divorce at the end of 2022, I dove deep into the realms of love and heartbreak and romance and intimacy and sexuality and sensuality, and for the first time pretty much in my entire life, started dating. And that was freaking crazy. And I've learned so much, which I'm still in the process of learning. And I love to have these just, like, really real conversations with my bestie, Rosie Acosta, who you see her every month on the podcast. We're constantly sending each other voice notes and forth. So one day we were like, okay, we just need to, like, put these voice notes out on the air. And that's how these podcasts came to be. And something we've been really sitting with is what is settling? You know, what do we consider settling? A lot of people say never settle, don't settle, but at the end of the day, don't we eventually settle. And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format, so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube or the Apple Store. This is the best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibe with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one. Rose and I love to have little debates sometimes, too, so we'll see where this journey takes us. So without further ado, let's welcome Rosi Rosita Rocio on the highest self.

Oh, you even did it with the S. Okay, guys, I see sp her sock just went up. Okay.

By the way, I rap in Spanish on my new album.

I'm so excited.

Mamacita mari posta.

So, okay, let's talk about this topic, because.

Settling. Are we settling?

We always settle.

But are we. Are you and I settling? Think about it. Okay, let's talk about it first in dating, but then I think. I think in life, like, we are always kind of settling for something. So, like, what is settling to you?

So for me, settling is just being content with not even content, because contentment is different for me than settling. Settling is like the bare sort of bar of something that you really want, like, in life in general. For me is. Is like, yeah, I'm just gonna settle with the amount of money I make now, and I'm just gonna, like, be good with it and just live my life and read books and just kind of be in this zone of settling. Right. There's no. It's devoid of ambition to me.

Yeah.

Which in life, that. That's what it feels like in relationship settling. I feel like we all settle, but I feel like we have this ideal idea or ideal in our mind of what we think a relationship should be like, look like, and feel like. I feel like we've talked about this before, but a lot of that conditioning comes from our childhood or, you know, watching movies and romance rom coms and, you know, the fairytale endings. And we think that our life in relationships should look and feel a certain way. You know, we want the. The noteworthy engagement. We want the. We want the ring, we want the wedding. We want to have, you know, the white picket fence with the kids and the husband. That. Whatever, you know, And I feel like for most people, most women, I'm going to speak for. For women, I think we're conditioned to that ideal now. I think that at this point, with the rates of divorce that we have in this country and all over the world, we know that that is fake. That's not a reality. This is something that is just not. It doesn't. It doesn't. If you get all of those boxes checked, doesn't mean that you're going to be happy. But I also do believe that for a lot of us, whether we like to admit it, outwardly or not, we still have that fantasy. We still have that idea, and we still have that desire for happiness. Right. I'm gonna do air quotes. Happiness. So in a way, I think that we do settle, you know, and I say it in those terms because, you know, you and I know I've been in a relationship for 21 years. And although I love Tori with all of my heart, like, there are things that I settle with, you know, if I'm just being completely honest. But I really do feel like everybody does at some point or another. That's my definition.

So I'm gonna assume you're loving this podcast. I mean, I really hope you are. But imagine how dope this podcast would be in real life. Like, imagine all of us listening to this podcast, hanging out, twerking up a storm, listening to spiritual teachings, putting some glitter on our faces, looking sparkly. Af well, that's actually taking place over at the highest self festival. Yes, I have created my own festival and it's taking place on none other than 4:20 in Austin, Texas, which is like the middle of America. Everyone can get. And it's going to be the best day of all of our lives. We did this as a weekend last year and now it's going to be outside. Drummers, dancers. I'm going to be live performing my album. My body is an altar. The sacred site is me. So if you want to dance with me, learn for myself and other incredible spiritual teachers and embody your highest self, then come to the highest self festival. You can head over to highest self festival.com to get your tickets and I am so excited to invite you inside. Again, that's Highest self festival dot com. You can find that link in the show notes. And I can't wait to dance with the alter that is you. So we use our phones for everything at this point, but did you know you could use it for some sexy me time? Don't worry, your fantasies are safe with Dipsea. Just don't forget to use your headphones. So Dipsea is an app that's full of hundreds of short and sexy audio stories designed by and for women. They bring scenarios to life with immersive soundscapes and realistic characters. So whether your thing is having a fling with your college professor or maybe a lifeguard saving you, or maybe you're into this like, ravenous mountain man that just needs to take you over on the mountain trains, whatever floats your boat. Gypsy has a story for you. So what a better way to warm up on those chilly nights than with some gypsy. For listeners of the show, they are offering an extended 30 day free free trial when you go to dipsystories.com Sahara that's 30 days of free access to sexy stories. When you visit d I p s e-a stories.com sahara and you can find that link in the show notes. Enjoy. Yeah, I Love that. And I agree with you. Like, settling has a negative connotation, right? Like, like I. I was like, really saying, like, what does settle even mean? It's like a set point, so we have a negative connotation of it. Okay, I'm gonna look at both sides of it. Okay, let's hear it. What's a settlement? Right? Like a settlement is, is choosing somewhere and deciding that that's gonna be your home. Like, we wouldn't say a settlement is a negative thing, but then we take that word settle in a relationship, and it means almost like you're losing because of the way that our society has done it. You're settling, meaning you're, you're okay with not what might be the highest.

Right.

So I'm gonna look at it from both lens. There are people who settle way too early. There are people who are afraid of being by themselves, so they would rather just be with whoever has a pulse and fits 30% of the criteria than be alone. These are often people who are never single, who go in from one relationship to the next, keep dating the same person, same trauma bonds, same toxic patterns. Right. Because they are just so afraid of what will happen if they're on when they're on their own. So they settle that. Well, that's actually one archetype of it. There's also people just in loveless relationships.

Yeah.

You know, where everything's fine. You know, they're like roommates. You know, they have sex once a month. They, you know, get, get along fine. They have their Cancun vacation once a year. And, you know, and it's good enough. Can I say that for every single person, having this like, like heart throbbing romance is like the best for them. No, like, I actually think, like, for some people, like, choosing to be in a relationship that is settling might be for their highest good in this lifetime. Like, maybe they actually are in a rest lifetime where they went through a lot of trauma in the past when they're just like, yo, I just want to keep it easy breezy up in here. And that's their lifetime, you know? So for someone like me, I always want the highest of everything. I'm become my highest self, my highest expression, my highest business. That's why I'm. I'm entrepreneurial, I'm creative, I'm spiritual. Spiritual. So for me, like, I did the podcast on the Icks, and I was like, yeah, I would never be with someone who's not entrepreneurial and successful and has gone on their spiritual journey. And some people were like, you're not looking for a man, you're looking for a God. Right. I'm like, well, I see myself as a goddess.

Right?

So why would I settle for someone that I see as, like, a mere mortal? You know? That being said, I'm still a human, they're still a human. And I know that there will be things I will have to settle on. It's just a matter of what. And I think that it comes down to eventually you have to settle. Okay. You can just choose to be single forever. And there are some people who are single forever because they're waiting for this perfect person.

Right?

Right. And then as you get older, it's just even less likely for you to find this man who's never been married and never had kids and never this and that. When, like now, under 40s. Like, most people have had one of those experiences by now, you know? So it comes down to, like, what are you willing to settle with? Which comes down to your deal breakers.

Right.

So I shared one of my deal breakers now is that I can't dance with you. And that sounds crazy. That's because it's not like, of course, like, loyal, integrity, kind person, compassionate, like, obviously those things. But this is like, my little, like, side note deal breaker. Because dance is my love language, and it's how I connect, and it's such a part of who I am. And I've never had a relationship with someone that likes to dance, ever. Now, I've met different people that doesn't dance. No, that I've never. No, I've never had a relationship with someone that likes to dance. Okay. I've never had a partner that we could dance.

Wow. Okay.

Ever. And it was always this thing of, like, please, like, will you come to salsa classes with me? Please? And they, like, never wanted to. And it was like, I just wish I had that. And now this year, I've not been in relationship with them, but meeting people who love to dance, I'm like, wow. Like, this is such a powerful connection point that I have, that whether it's any kind of dance, but, like, someone who dances to me is like, they're in their body. They, you know, energetically let their hair down. They have rhythm, they're connected to earth. You're. It's like, we've talked about how you listen to music is how you have sex. I think how you dance is also how you have sex. Yeah, we've talked about, you know, so it's like, if you can dance together, you know, you're gonna have a good Sex life together. If you can't dance together, how are you going to get down in bed? I don't know.

We seem to do pretty fine. Tori does not have that much rhythm.

But he was a.

But he was classically ballet trained. That's different. I'm Hispanic.

Okay. Like I think for dancers like me is like we have sex to the rhythm. I am into the song, you know, so it's like important for me to also be with someone who's connected to the music like I am, so. However, I briefly got to know a man who was very funny, comedian level funny. For a lot of girls, that's the most funny thing I realized that's not really. It's nice if someone's funny, but if anything there were some things about him I really didn't like because then he was like making fun of me and I never knew he was interested if he was being serious or not. I was laughing a lot, but I was just like, I could not or I would not choose. Maybe it just happens to be in a relationship with a comedian it's too much. Whereas for some people that would be like their ultimate thing. Dance doesn't matter. So it's like you kind of. So it's like what are you willing to settle on? I'm okay with someone not being really funny. You know, is it nice to have. Yes. I'm okay with someone. I don't know.

I don't know that you would though.

I think we need to have fun together. But that's different than being funny. Fun and funny are two different.

Because you're funny.

I'm. I'm funny, but I don't need to be with someone who's equally funny.

I see.

To me, none of my exes have ever been funny either. But you. We gotta like be able to have fun together. But I have friends like, like Krista, she's like, she wants like a funny ass guy with a lot of banter and like that's her deal breaker. That's her connection point. So I think it's like, what are you willing to settle with? Okay. Something I'm not willing to settle with in my relationship at this point is someone who's not in integrity. You know, for me to be in a relationship with someone again who's not is like, that's gonna be extremely traumatic for me. However, that is something that's like. It's harder to like quickly realize that because most people you meet you think are in integrity and it's something that you don't know until later on. But that's something that I really have to look out for now, you know? So at the end of the day, I think it's a game of musical chairs. At some point it's like you just settle. But at the same time, just because maybe you settled with one person doesn't mean you're stuck there forever either. Like, we talk about our friendship. Like, if I were to have mentally written down, who do you think your best friend would be? I would have said she loves to dance to Soca and dancehall music and travel to Trinidad. And we were at costumes. Costumes and yeah, stay up past 7pm she said PM, not AM. And you know, and you're not any of those things. But we will, like, I hope, always be best friends because it's a soul connection. So I think it's like the thing I think also not to settle for is the soul connection. So I'm curious for you because a lot of people talk about be with someone who doesn't give you butterflies. Be with someone that it's like you slowly start to fall in love because the butterflies tend to go away. And if you have butterflies, it's often a sign of truth trauma bonding. It's a sign that you're feeling nervous in their energy. To me, again, they don't need to give me butterflies like that kind of energy. But, like, if I don't feel an attraction or an excitement, it just feels blah. That to me, feels like settling. So I'm curious.

Yeah, no, I think it's really great. And I think it's a really great sort of topic to bring up, especially for you, because you are romantic.

Yeah. Like, I will never settle with a guy who doesn't value romance again.

Right. So, like, you really value that piece, you know, you like somebody that's really thoughtful and methodical and listens and is very communicative.

Yes.

Like, you love coming. I mean, it's like both of our love languages, you know, We. We.

I'm like, if I can't talk to you for nine hours, it can't work.

Yeah, I mean, this is true, you know, I mean, I almost had a heart attack not talking for what, more than like, 24 hours, you know, and it wasn't really even 24 hours you mailed me.

I can turn on the, like, hey, I made it to the hotel. Let me have the. Use the computer lab. Here I am on Windows 95. How are you? What happened today? What would you dream about?

Oh, my God. But.

But it's like, we're so Communicative. And again, like, we're a different. We're two women. And so it's a different level. But like, even in. In men, like, I like the guys. I have so many amazing male friends now that I never had before. I never had guy friends when I was married. And all my guy friends are guys who can talk. I love a man who can hold a conversation. That's something I will not settle with again.

Yeah, no. And going back to the point of like, okay, it's somebody that doesn't give me the butterfly.

So.

So I think for somebody like you, I think the butterfly effect is very important. I think it's very telling if. If you're gonna get on with this person. And it's. What's crazy to me is sometimes you can even sense that in interaction via text, you know, And I think part of that I don't really agree with because I'm like, have a conversation, you know, you just never know. And I think it's different now in this digital age that you're not in person. And we've talked about this before, the sort of, the endorphins, the sort of the attraction hormones that we can smell or sense and that can create the chemistry reaction with the person that you might be attracted to. And there might be that chemistry. Right. In person. So you don't know if you're going to have that via an app or text message.

You know, like from text, though. You can still feel it.

I don't. I don't know.

Not. Not. It's not 100%, but it's like if someone's just like, cool, like for. For real. Like, it's just like they're not putting in effort. Like, they're not even typing out words.

Words? Yeah, like hbo.

It's just like, you really.

Yeah, like, you really like somebody that's like, let's get on a call or like, let's make a plan.

I like on the. Oh, my gosh. I was talking about my dating app. I was off the dating apps for a few months. God was just like, get off of them. I was just getting trash. Trash. It was chick fil a up in there.

It was. It was not.

God was just like, get off of these apps. So I was riff raff for a few months. And then more recently, I received the instruction from my guides to delete my old hinge and start a new one. So my entire algorithm is cleared. And then I saw they actually had a function. So you get to like, keep your pictures on, but it resets all of their information about you. Oh, because they are creating an algorithm based on who you've swiped on.

Yeah. Can you like explain to people that are maybe watching this and are like, what are you talking about? Like on a dating app.

Yeah. So like on these dating apps, basically they are seeing who, who's the type that swipes yes on you and who's the type that you swipe yes on. And then together they recommend to you who you're compatible with.

Yeah, but why would you delete and redo it again?

Because I was saying yes to people pretty much based on looks. I'm going to be honest. I wasn't really looking at. I'm like, you're tall, you're black, you're hot, you're athlete. Yes.

Okay, so you were hoping that with this reset, it was gonna. I was like, let me look at.

What they do for work. That sounds, Let me bring it below six feet.

Like, you know, all of us girls do it.

I'm just admitting it.

Yeah, I'm admitting it.

And I'm not saying that it's right or wrong. Like, I don't, I don't think it, I don't think it's right. It's just like, just like men are attracted to women who look a certain way. They're attracted to women who have big breasts, small hips, you know, the, the waist to hip 7030 ratio. They're attracted to big eyes and full lips. I don't make up the rules here. Like, it's just. Is based on biology. It's based on fertility. We're attracted to tall men because it's like evolutionary. They could like climb the tallest trees and help with our survival. That's why we're attracted to athletic men. But I. What I've noticed happens with a lot of women after a breakup is just. You're just like in this kind of like, whatever. I don't even want to be in a long term relationship, so I'm just going to go after like who I find physically the most attractive. However, it. I don't have met up with one to this day. Do you know what I was saying? I've never met up with one person from Hinge ever.

Really?

I have never actually met one in person.

Not one.

And even on Raya, I've met one person in real life. Isn't that crazy?

Wow. I've never thought about that.

I've been on this app for over a year. All the swiping, so many conversations and it was.

The dates you've had have Been with people in real life.

Yeah. People I've met out and about.

But do you think that it's. Because that's what you keep saying you want?

No. Okay, we can go into a whole episode about this. I've realized that to go from matching with someone on an app to actually meeting in person, it's like a miracle. Because think about it this way. Wow, you're often. I'm just being real as a woman. Sometimes you're in a no mood. Sometimes you're in a yes mood. When I'm in a no mood, I'm no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no to everyone. I'm not even. Because I'm a no energetically within myself.

Tell me what constitutes the no energy?

The no energy is when, I don't know, I feel what's happening internally within me is like, I have this certain archetype in mind of who I'm looking for. So if they don't fit that archetype, I'm no. I'm a no for them. Or I'm not really actually open at that time. Or I'm kind of energetically, not really even wanting to date. Potentially interesting, you know, because, okay, the first six months of. Because I've been single for, like a year and a half now. The first six months of it there, I couldn't even find a guy to say yes on. Does that mean the men have changed? No, it was me. It was because I was like, if you're not Miguel, I'm not interested.

You know, like.

Because that was me not being ready.

Right.

You know, that I was just like a celebrity. Only because that's what a lot of us women do. I want Harry Styles. Because you're never gonna meet Harry Styles.

Right.

You know, so the more emotionally available you become, the more you find people attractive. Sometimes you're just in a yes mood. You're just like, huh, this could be interesting. Not really my type. But let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see. And then you say yes to a bunch of people. Then you have all of these matches, and then you're like, okay. And talk to them. So I have tried many different first lines, I guess. You know, or actually, no, to be real, I don't. Bumble is the only one you have to send the first line. But because I met my ex on Bumble, I don't use Bumble at all. It's scarred for me. So on hinge, I actually typically wait for the guy to message me simply because I don't want to be in my masculine and pursuing them. I'm just like, if a guy's not messaging me first, then he doesn't really care. I have talked to some men, and they're like, I don't message a girl first because there's a lot of bots on these things or, like, onlyfans kind of funnels. So they're like, I don't even know if it's a real girl. So I think there was maybe one time that I messaged the guy first just because he was, like, very much my type, but never met with that person in person either, you know? So I recently decided to ask this question. Do you believe in free will, destiny, or both? Which is, like, the most, like, highest of podcast ever.

Okay.

Because for me, where I'm at in my life now, I'm like, I want someone I can have, like, deep, philosophical conversations with. And so if you're not that person. So it's almost like my way of just, like, vetting them out. If that question for you is like, huh? Like, what you talking about, shady? Like, we're not gonna work. You know, I would be surprised. Almost every single one of them had an amazing response.

Wow.

Yeah. And so now I'm actually getting to know them on a deeper level. So they. So they write their response, then I send a voice note, because I think that's a more intimate way of getting to know someone. I want to hear their voice. Yeah, I've noticed most guys don't send voice notes back. I think men are just not as comfortable with, like, a voice note the same way that women are. Like, have you ever seen Tori sending voice notes for 20 minutes to his friends? No, guys.

Oh, God, no. He would never.

Guys don't send voice notes at all.

Yeah.

You know, guys don't take videos of themselves. We easily take videos of ourselves. We create pot. We create content for a living, especially as content creator girls. So I send a voice out. Sometimes they send a voice note back, which is really nice when they do, because then I can hear their voice, and that's really what I'm looking for. I want to hear your voice because that tells me so much about you. Like, you know, I shared with you a voice that I received back, and this guy on the app looked amazing, and I heard his voice, and it was Steve Urkel. And again, that could really work with someone. I am just, like, a very sensuous root. Like, I have, like, a more sensuous voice. So someone's, like, really up here. And, like, what's sending to your response? And it's just, we're not. We're not gonna be a fit, you know, so. And that's the thing that's hard. Like, it at the beginning, even for me on the apps was heartbreaking of, like, people are judging you on everything.

Yeah.

Because they don't know you.

Yeah.

They are just trying to get information from every little, little thing they're looking at. Like, you even did this one time, you looked at the person's picture and you saw AC unit and you made a judgment about them. No. He said his biggest fear was an AC unit falling on his head. And then you were, where does he live? That he has an AC unit potentially falling on his head? Which was like. I was like, damn, that's some facts, you know? So we're looking at all these little things. We're playing detective, because I don't know. Whereas if I met you at a yoga studio, it's coming. It doesn't necessarily mean you're yogi, but it's coming with a lot of. Like, first of all, you come to this part of town, you. To make time for yoga. It's just already telling me a lot about you, let alone a friend group is telling me so much about you on these apps. I have zero criteria. You know the thing that brought me.

Are you more discerning on an app than you would be in real life?

Oh, massively.

Okay.

That's why you end up not meeting with people. Okay. So let's say this is kind of like the timeline. I see on the apps, you match. You go back and forth a little bit. Because on the apps, it's almost like you have to be an interviewer. You have to be like, my favorite thing is this. What do you think? If one person doesn't ask the question back, the conversation dies. I would say most conversations, I'm curious what the stats are. Let me know. Hinge. I would say 80 to 90% of the conversations die on the app within one or two days of talking. You go back and forth. Then what happens often is you don't hear from that person for a few days. So you assume they met someone else, they're dating someone else, and then you hear from them, you're like, oh, you're back. Sometimes you hear from them a week later, and then you're like, huh? Like. And then you respond, and then it's just like, the more time goes, the less likely you are to meet in person. Um, Ezzy Spencer, who's a dating coach, who's been on this podcast. She recommends when you're you first match and you're first in the conversation, that's when you're hot to suggest getting on a FaceTime call then, because that's the most likely time when you're like, excited about talking. The thing is, I feel a little bit weird, like just matching with someone being like, let's hop on a FaceTime call. But she said the strategy is to be like, let's say they're talking about like something they did for work. Be like, oh, that sounds like an interesting story. Story. I have five minutes right now. Want to tell me about it on a call? Like, something like that Again, I've never done this, but why? I. I don't know. I feel like to me it feels a little bit pushy.

Interesting.

It feels a little bit like, why am I the one again? I'm really trying to lean back and be like, more in my feminine and observe men more rather than like me trying to make it happen. So if I'm like, hey, let's hop on a FaceTime and like, oh, like, well, I'm free on Saturday. Like, I just, I don't want to be in a relationship that started off that way. Personally, I don't think it's wrong. I think it's just like, different. Like, I'm also Persian and we're just like, like really conditioned to be the opposite way. So. So there's that. However, what I do do is like, I voice note, but I kind of. I just want. For me, what I want is like a more masculine man, a man that takes the lead. So oftentimes they will say, let's hang out or something like that. And then you get number and then maybe you text for a period of time. But then often what happens is then like in the text it dies down. So the times that I did meet with someone, and this was someone that I actually did end up kind of dating for a little bit, was he noticed something I wrote on my profile. He's like, oh, you love Afrobeats music. My friend is djing this Afrobeats thing tomorrow. And I was like, I really like that he read that and I went the next day and we had a great time. And that like, like that was very smart of him to do. And it was just like. And we got to know each other and we got to see what happened, you know, and, and, and he was a cool person, you know, Whereas a lot of these things that they like, end up. You end up texting for A long time. Then it becomes almost, like, stale. And then it's like, yeah, yeah.

Where is this going? You know, like, where is this going?

Because it's a risk. It's like, especially when you live in LA or any big city, you're driving potentially an hour across town to meet with a stranger that you have no idea if you're gonna vibe with.

Yeah.

That you're just like. Then you kind of start convincing yourself out of it.

Wow. Okay. Yeah. It's interesting coming back to the topic of settling. Right. Because it's like, okay, in a way, you can settle to not talk to any of these people.

Yeah.

Right.

And a lot of girls, I hear are like, I'm not doing the apps. You know, the ratio is like, 80 men to 20 women on dating apps. Yeah. Because most guys, they don't take it seriously. Whereas for us girls, when we're. When. When I'm matching with someone, I'm like, oh, we're talking. Guys don't see it like that. It's like, almost like they're just like, oh, whatever. Like, maybe I'll meet someone here.

I want to ask you something.

Sure.

Okay, so we're here. Why is it that you are resistant to being in that masculine.

I feel at this stage of my life, I really want to be in a place of observing a man's energy and how he naturally treats me without me kind of needing to guide him, especially at the beginning.

Yeah. In your past relationships, have you been the person to.

No, because I was 24 years old, he very much initiated that and was very much in his masculine. Like, for the majority. Yeah, for the majority of the relationship. It's just where I'm at in my life right now is I am successful and I have a lot going on, and I am such a leader, and I just don't want to be that in my relationship.

Yeah, you want to be able to have somebody come to you and pursue you.

Exactly. I want to feel wanted. I want to feel chosen. I want a man who's in his pursuit. So if it's like, you're not even excited about me at the beginning.

Yeah.

Then it's like, I'm not going to have the quality of relationship that I actually really want.

Right, Right.

So it's like, I could make it happen. I mean, as a woman, we really hold the power. Like, you could go on a date with every guy you want. Like, as a woman, it's like, we hold the key, you know, Like, a lot of men are like, you know, I was having A conversation with my guy friend. And he was like, you know, if you lined up a hundred girls to a guy and you're like, you could have sex with all of these girls with no repercussion, a lot of men would say, yes. If you lined up 100 guys and told the girl you could have sex with a hundred guys, most of us would never like, that's not a desire at all. That sounds scary, you know, but it's like, you know, and this is actually a whole interesting conversation of our. Like, can a man and a woman be friends? But it's almost like the woman holds the key of, like, sexuality, of if you're going to have sex or not. She holds the openness or not.

Right.

And so the man, naturally, is meant to be in pursuit. He's meant to be hunting her. He's meant to be impressing her. He's meant to be gathering things for her. So then she's like, hmm, like, in her queen energy of like, I knight you, I choose you. But you need to step up to the plate. Whereas right now, because of our society, everything's just, like, very confused. So if it's like, on top of that, I'm pursuing, like, a lot of men, they're like, I'm the prize now. And it's just like, you can. You can think that if you want. That's just not the quality of relationship that I desire. Right.

That's not what you're trying to bring into your field. And I don't. And I think most women don't want to bring that into their field. Yeah. Going back to your friend.

But we do it because sometimes we pedestal the guy. We're like, I want to be with this guy. This guy's so attractive, or he's so talented or successful or whatever else that we're just like, if it requires me reaching out and trying to make it happen, I will. But the thing is, it never works because then the guy is like, well, she's pursuing me, so that means I must be above her. You know, I love this Instagram TikTok account called homo.

Yeah, I love it.

He really, like, outlines this. And so. So if a guy is like, a girl's pursuing me, then that means maybe I'm like an eight and she's like a six or a four. So then if she's pursuing me, I want to be with, like, who's above me. And again, I'm not saying it's right to think about above or below. I'm not saying anyone is hierarchical. I'M just saying this is how consciousness thinks for a woman. A man pursuing us. We don't think, oh, I'm better than him. We're like, oh, I feel really desired, wanted, and cherished. Whereas just the way that, again, in a more heteronormative perspective, if a girl's chasing a guy, a guy assumes she doesn't have much going on. Better than me. So then who does he want to be with? The person who's better above.

Right.

That's why, you know Shara, who's like the sprinkle sprinkle girl who. Quite funny, I don't resonate with a lot that she says, but she talks about, like, being the, like, Bob the Builder wife. And it's like, a lot of us women were like. A lot of men are like, I want a woman who's gonna build with me. So it's like, you're that woman who, like, pays 50, 50, and, you know, helps him through his crisis and gives him loans and is there after a rough day and deals with him cheating on you and not showing up for you. And you're just, like, helping him build and staying through him through tough times, and he's so grateful for you until he gets his shit together and then goes for his dream girl. And that happens a lot.

Oh, yeah.

And it's like, so do you want to be the Bob the Builder, the pick Misha? Do you want to be the dream girl?

Yeah, but that's. That's the epitome of settling, right?

She is. She is settling massively. And so it doesn't. It doesn't work. But she's not even. She's not even settling. She is pedestaling.

Wow.

Fluffing up my aura. My radiance on fleek. Glow every aura. You know, I'm doing me. So this is going to be your new mantra. When you're kind of, like, feeling a little bit down, you want to fluff your radiance back up. Because, girl, you are sparkly af, and you deserve to feel like it. You deserve your music to remind you of it. You deserve your outfits to be the embodiment of it. And that's really what the frequency of my new album, My Body Is An Altar, is all about. So the. These are all songs that I produced, wrote, and performed that are really for the embodied baby girl. So you're listening to the song Glow Every Ora right now, which is my personal favorite to jam out to. There's the most insane verse by this Jamaican guy, Devin Deducta. He literally sounds like Sean Paul. So if you have been calling in high vibrational music with beats that are just like dirty socio that make you want to swell Talo, this is the album for you. See you can listen to it on Spotify, Apple Music, watch the music video for my bodies and alter on YouTube, tune in on SoundCloud wherever you listen to music I am so excited to see it make its way, shape and form into your life. I want to see some reels of you fluffing up your aura because your radiance on fleek. You glow every aura because you know you're doing you. So be sure to stream it over at the link in bio and I am so excited to see you dance to it, rock out to it and make it your own. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. How is your social battery right now? I think a key question for all of us to ask ourselves is what type of social dynamics actually fulfill me and what drained me? So I feel like what happens a lot of times is after the winter, like gatherings start picking up and we start going out to events, but we come back and we feel kind of drained. Maybe you had a bunch of of surface level conversations with different people, but you didn't really feel met, seen or heard. So I noticed within myself like I love hanging out with my friends, but I really love hanging out with one person and diving deep and you know, doing a full moon ritual with them and really hearing about each other's lives, doing a fun activity. I love like drawing and creating and listening to music with my friends and then I walk away from that experience feeling so enriched. So if you're not sure the best ways for you to recharge with people, I highly recommend giving therapy a try. It helps you gain that self awareness so you can build a social life that actually fulfills you. And friendships are such an integral part of our lives. But a lot of us have these weird dynamics going on in friendships, whether it's unspoken truths or jealousy that can also be chipping away at our mental health. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, I highly recommend giving Better Help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch them at any time with no additional charge. Find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com Sahara to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Sahara and you can Find that link in the show notes. She is like, I will never get anyone else besides you, so I will put up with anything that you do because I freaking need you. And then. So that puts him in a position of power of like, well, let me use this. This is helping me. Because here's the thing. Most men end relationships better than they came into it. Most women, worse off.

Wow. I would love to see the statistic on that, because that definitely sounds accurate.

Because as women, we are more emotionally intelligent. This is biological fact. We just have more size of our brain chemistry that's in touch with human relationships and empathy and that kind of thing. And that's our gift. We are the leaders in love. So oftentimes in relationship, we bear the brunt of the emotional burden. We are the one who's feeling, we're the one who's processing, we're the ones who's teaching. We're the ones who are really, like, taking on the load.

Yeah.

And coaching him, helping him, making him better. So then men walk out of it like, wow, I learned so much about, like, integrity and communication and self care. And I went on a spiritual journey and, you know, like, and then we're like, I'm processing from betrayal and this. And what do we. What do we learn? We learn how to stand on our own feet. You know, we learn independence. We learn how to pick ourselves. We learn shadow work.

Yeah.

Myself included, you know, and. And men are like, I saw the light. Women are like, I saw the dark. But it's like. But that. That's part of it. It's part of it. I'm not saying in all. Sometimes you see flip dynamics. But. So I say this because we, when we keep going to these relationships where we're the healers, we end up energetically drained and exhausted at a certain point. And that's why I see a lot of women are just like, bitter and pessimistic and like, well, love doesn'. So let me just go for a man that has money, because I'm gonna get screwed anyway. So, like, maybe I can get money out of it. And that's where this whole sprinkle sprinkle thing comes from. That being said, I understand her point, but it's just a certain level of consciousness of like, do you see relationship as role mate or soulmate? You know, the role mate is like, okay, I'll look pretty and stay at home and take care of the house. You'll pay the bills and provide for me. I don't need to love you. You need to kind of be obsessed with me. But, like, I don't really know what you do behind closed doors either, but that's okay because my bills are paid. And that's what relationships have been for the past, like, 2,000 years of patriarchal era. But I think there's this new level of consciousness that, like, we want sacred union, we want to be met, we want to be heard. Does that mean it's perfect? No. I would say in most relationships that I know of, women tend to be more emotionally mature than men, regardless of age. However, men provide massive value and are extremely empathic. It's just our society has not allowed them to be. So I also see on the other end, like, women are, like, looking to date other women essentially in a man's body.

Yeah.

We're like, he can't hold space for me as I cry and go through all of my emotions. He doesn't want to do full moon rituals with me. He doesn't want to, like, you know, go to ecstatic dance with me. He doesn't want to go on yoga retreats with me. It's like. Like, do you want him to. You. You know, it's like, if he was all those things, he'd be your best friend, and y' all wouldn't be having sex. You know, I'm sure there are beautiful men. I know there are beautiful men who do full moon rituals and, you know, witch circles and all of that, but it's like, a man's also a man, too, and the very things that make him attractive to you. If he did all the things your best friend would do, he would no longer be attractive to you.

Right.

So it's like, we also have to, like, like, pick and choose. He's not going to be your best friend and your freakiest lover and your financial provider and your all at the same time. You know, I really like Allison Armstrong's work about this. If you don't know that author, she talks a lot about, like, seeing men for the gifts that they have. And, like, what men can do really well is, like, provide direction. But it's like, when they're providing direction, don't be like, okay, let me process everything that happened today. It's like, you know, yep, Sit back, listen to music, let him lead, and then, like, maybe, maybe he can, in the right environment, process things. But, like, as women, we can multitask and hold a lot more than men can. And I. I feel a lot of, like, what women aren't willing to settle with are expectations that they have from other women and it's like you are comparing a man to a woman and he's never going to outwoman another woman.

Yeah.

You know, so then you're always going to feel like you're settling.

Yeah, it's always going to feel like that. Because they are a different species. Like, they are a completely different species. And I think that's a big obstacle that most of us face is like, we want to create this archetype, we want to create this like, ideal version of our partner and what they look like and what they sound like. And you know, we, in a way it's, it's kind of controlling, you know, like we're trying to control this, this person to be exactly what it is that we need. You know, we've talked about that before. It's like that's not really the right way of being in a relationship with somebody that's not you empowering the other person to be who they are.

And I think it's tough because our society is so individualistic.

Right.

That we're so used. It's like we're in this, we're in the generation of boundaries. We're in the generation of if you're not helping me towards my dreams, get out of here. And the thing is, sometimes in a relationship you have to compromise. Sometimes the thing that would get you there faster on your own, you gotta take the slower route in the relationship and you have to process. And you might be on a, like, you just like got off this podcast and you're super happy. You wanna share with your partner, but he's going through something and you're like, ugh, why do I have to deal with that? But, like, that's what relationship is. And we are looking for like a relationship like Amazon package to us at our door, our way, then turn it off whenever you want. Relationships like a Furby, you can't turn that shit off. Once you got the Furby, you got to take care of Furby.

She said the Furby.

Furby don't come with no off button. But, but it's funny because it's like I have friends that they're like, oh my God, enjoy being single. You don't have to deal with anyone else, you know, and, and I get that, like there is this level of like sovereignty that you get from being single of like anything I'm feeling is mine, you know, especially for me as an empath, like in human design, my like emotional center and the heart center completely open. So I'm like the most empath. Like, so I remember in My marriage. If he had a bad day, I would have a bad day. If he was feeling a little bit off, I'm thinking, why is he feeling a little bit off this? Like, I couldn't even, you know, because I was so in tune to how he felt and then had to do a lot of work on like separating myself from that. But it's hard when you live with someone. It's like you can feel their energy in the house and it's almost like for me to be okay, I need you to be okay, you know? So there is, is there is that in relationship too, but then there's the be beautiful side of it, and you kind of have to have both.

Yeah, I think so. I mean, it. It truly is. I think we maybe because we share more, we, we see other relationships out in the world or, you know, we have the media portray happy marriages. Like, we don't ever see the non highlight reels, right? We see the, oh, wow, I found my soulmate. And like, we're so happy. And now we're having a baby and we together and he, he's celebrating and he's helping with all the baby shower things.

And it's. So what do you think about that? Because something I've thought about is like, when I get into a relationship again, do I want to share that on social media? Like a lot. Okay, so a lot of people. Okay, let me just tell to the two sides and you tell me what you think side one is. The relationships you see on social media are the most messed up ones. The ones that are always sharing, oh my God, we're so happy this happened. That happened. Are the ones that are secretly like, not talking at dinner because they're posting on Instagram and they feel like they need to tell everyone about it, but they're not really happy. Happy inside. Yeah, that's one perspective. Another perspective is we have something so beautiful and people don't believe that this exists. So it's like our dharma to share it. We need to show people that it's possible to have this. Well, I know some couples that they, they share a lot and they are in a beautiful relationship and they feel like they want to show people the evidence that this exists. So what's the stance, Rosie?

Yeah, I don't know. I. I feel like. Like who? You're showing it to us so that we believe love exists. It's like, what makes you think I don't think love exists?

And also it's the question of like. But again, it's a person like, okay, I have a friend that she's always showing her and her.

But, but who are. But here's my, here's my point. It's like, who are you doing it for? Are you doing it for yourself? Because you, like, who are you? This is my big thing with social media. And I think that you and I maybe disagree or maybe.

Okay, let's get into it.

Because it's like, like I'm not about. Like, I love sharing on social media. Like, I have a love, not love relationship with it. I love that I get to connect with people also. It's part of my job. Right. So I, it's what creates my income as well. Right.

But you don't love social media.

Yeah, I don't love social media.

You could just get off. You would get.

Oh my God, I would delete it all right now. In a heartbeat, in a second.

Would never. Because I'm, I was a blogger since I was 19.

Right. I mean, but, but to me, social media is different than like having a blog or a substack or whatever. Like, to me, social media is, is. It plays a different role.

True, true. Yeah, I would get off Instagram.

Yeah, Like Instagram, like, I would still do.

But I would do this podcast.

Yeah, I would do my podcast. I would still do my blog. I would write more. Like, I would, I would revive my blog.

You know, Like, I miss just like long form content.

Like, me too.

Just like churn. Churn.

But that's why I started doing substack because for me that felt a little bit more like, oh my God, this reminds me of like the blog days, you know? Like, to me, Instagram is like a showoff space on a blog.

I would be so happy if I got a comment that day. Right now I'm like overwhelmed. It's a refresh. This, that, that.

Yeah. And it's like so many. And it's like.

But going into relationships. Okay, so you. The sharing.

Yeah.

Okay. So for example, this couple that I see them share, I find it beautiful.

Do you?

I do. I'm like. Because I know them personally and I've seen her journey.

Okay.

And I'm just like, damn. Like, it's inspiring for me. Like, she did a lot of work, she went through a lot of pain, and she's in this beautiful relationship and they're not making it up and it's not for show. Does it mean that it's like, helps me find the relationship faster? No.

Yeah, but that's, but that's my.

I get little like, good dopamine hits from that.

Yeah. And that's good because it, like, makes you feel good and it takes you through a story. Like, I love watching people's transformation stories on Instagram. Like, so. So I'm not gonna knock that.

Maybe I like it because it's the transformation, and it's not just like, we've.

Always been happy, we've never struggled. I think it's the transformation piece. It's not the relationship piece. If somebody was showing a reel of, like, oh, look at how happy we are. And we met and now we're like soulmates, and now here's my high school sweethearts. Yeah.

But, you know, it's like, someone might find it inspiring that they've been together for so long. Sure.

And I. And I. I don't have a problem with people doing that. I just don't fully believe that they're doing it. It out of a place of, like. I just want to show this. They want the attention. Like, we're on social media.

Okay. So I'm in this place that I'm like. I have shared in detail.

Okay.

The journey of my heartbreak and now my singledom that I'm like, well, once again, to a relationship. Wouldn't it be weird if I, like, stop it right there, you know?

Yeah. Are you asking me? We want to get into it. Yeah. I. I don't know. I. I don't like. I personally don't like sharing all of my relationship stuff.

No, not all of yours. But it's also like, at what point of a relationship do you share? Because that's the thing. Sometimes you think you're in a relationship and you're only together six months when.

You break up, and then what? And then you start archiving a bunch.

Of shit two years in. You should share.

Yeah, I think you should wait, you know, and it's like, I don't think you should share right away. I've known many people who start all of a sudden, and then it's like, then you're scrubbing your. Your grid of people pictures. But you know what?

I was also thinking about that. So I know this girl, and she is of the belief of, like, why should we hide her example, too? She's like, why should we hide our relationships on social media? We have this, like, shame around. I might share it and it ends, but it's like, it's such a big part of our lives. So she has shared at least four different relationships in the past couple years that I've been following her. And she announces them. And then I don't Know, if she does breakup posts, I don't follow her that closely. But then she announces the new one to the outside. People would be like, oh, my God, how embarrassing is that? She shared she was dating so and so and they're not. But at the same time, like, that was who she was spending a huge amount of her life with. So, like, imagine I had a. I'm just thinking about it this way. Imagine I had a friend. I don't know how long I'm gonna be their friend. Like, my friends in London. Imagine I was like, you know what? I'm only in London for a couple months, so I'm not gonna share you because I don't really see a future for this. You know, it's like, they're my friends right now.

Friend is different. Different.

Right. It's. I guess it's different. But why, like, why do we have so much shame around sharing a relationship and then the relationship being.

I don't. I don't think it's. I don't think it's necessarily around shame. I think it's more like when you're cultivating a connection with somebody, why are you so quick to, like, share it with everybody else? It's like, have your moment, have your experience. Like, be in that bubble. That honeymoon bubble only lasts a couple months.

Yeah.

It doesn't need.

No, definitely don't share it in the honeymoon bubble.

Right. It's like. Like, you don't need.

You're also at a high. You don't.

You're at a high, and it's like. And maybe you're at a high, and that's why you want. You're like, I'm gonna make a real. Like, we've been dating for two weeks. I mean, look, Tori and I literally. I mean, had social media been around, oh, I would have, like, reeled the whole experience two weeks in. I'm like, my husband, you know? Like, I mean, fortunately, we're still together, but. But I. I feel like if you don't allow yourself to be in that immersive experience to be in the relationship, you're not actually getting to know the person you're with. Because now you're just in the bubble of the distraction of, oh, look at all this attention now I'm getting from everybody and telling me how amazing it is that I have my love, that I have this new baby, that I have this new thing. It's like they're wrapped up in this identity now. Now it's part of their identity which could bring happiness to these people. I would be curious if people are out there doing that and sharing like that. I, I would really want to know, like, are you really happy? Are you spending. Because some of these, these couple tik toks that I follow, you know, just because I'm just like, okay, you're teaching about relationships and you're, you've written a book and now you're coaching people and you guys have been together for three years and it's like a love story, whatever, but. But I could see the writing on the wall. It's like you guys went viral six months in and now all of a sudden, this is part of your identity. It's like, do you guys actually really know each other?

Yeah. And I think it comes back to, like, are we sharing the full picture of it? Because if we're just sharing the beautiful moments and the highs and then making it believe that that's the whole relationship, it's not. It's like, if we want to share it, share the full spectrum of it, but I think people just have a harder time because it's like when you're in a fight, it's kind of even weird to post about.

Yeah, like, post about the fight. Why?

To me, that's more like, imagine if we're in a fight and I'm like, hey, we're dog documenting this fight right now. You know, it's like you document happy moments in your life naturally, right? You know, you're at the sunset, you take a picture. It's not when you're like crying, you take a picture.

Yeah, but this is why I have such a problem with social media. It's like, yeah, because it's just moments. It's just moment. And the thing is, like, we're having this dialogue with a 2D experience. You know, it's like it's two dimensional. Like, I do know.

It's crazy too. When I used to post my ex, my followers would often DM knowing he was married because they think, oh, if you're with her and I respect her, you would. And I. And he would show them to me and we would laugh and it was just crazy. And that's another thing for me too. On this, like, social media, it's like you're bragging about this perfect relationship and it's just like, for who? Like, yeah, you know, so that's another thing too, that I wouldn't want to share.

I have a friend that has shared about his relationship and it's like he's, he's kind of a serial monogamist. And the Cap is like, typically like two to three years, and then it's like somebody else. And it's like, he'll share about, oh, my God, this is my person. I love her so much, blah, blah, blah. Like. And, yeah, he would get attention and the relationship would last two to three years. And now it's the next girl in his DMs. And now he's in this relationship, and it's going to be the next girl in his DMs.

So he dates girls who are in his DMs.

And spiders meeting these people, you know, like, this. This is part of the thing. And the other thing that I find really interesting is, like, said person, it tries a different strategy, you know, and now won't share. But now the girlfriend is like, why aren't you sharing?

See that. That's the thing too. Of like, you know, you don't want to make that person feel like you're hiding them. Of like, okay, I share everything else. And not. Not like I used to. Not really share about my relationship at all. And he would be like, why don't you share? He wanted me to share more of it, but I was just like, it's not. It wasn't a pillar of what I spoke about now. But the thing is, now I'm kind of in this place of like, it is so much of what I talk about.

Right.

You know, if I'm in a relationship, I think for you, I would want to eventually have them on my podcast.

Like, that is. And I would think it would be great. You know, I think for you, you're in a different space. Like, so much of what your process has been has been sharing. So if all of a sudden you're in a relationship and now you're not, we're not having these conversations. That's a little weird. You know, it is little strange, but. But I also think, like, I would give this advice to anybody and I would tell you I would and also.

Do with the person. Maybe that person loves to share. Maybe they're really private. They don't want to. You have to respect that.

Yeah. I would still tell you. I think it's too soon to share. And I will say right here, and we'll see what happens. Hopefully you heed my advice.

But I think on the next episode is the new boyfriend I met tomorrow.

You know, and I. I really. I don't know that it necessarily has to do with. I think that the shame component is maybe part of it. Why some people share, decide to share or not share whatever I Think it's more about letting yourself be in the container. And don't let the distractions come in. Like, I feel like we're so distracted by all this technology.

Okay, let's. Okay, let's talk about that too, because I don't think social media distracting us in a new bubble. I think it's that we know too much. Okay, let's just say I met someone, and I. I'm trying to think of, like, one specific person to base this on. I'm just gonna make up an archetype. Let's say I met someone, and we are kicking it off, and things are going really well, but now all of a sudden, I'm thinking, what are the red flags that they might have? What am I not looking into? Can I really trust them? What if they're an actual narcissist and I don't know about them? What are their friends like? I don't know. We want different life goals. Like, all of the things that we learn about is, like, now. I noticed in myself I had a crush on someone for maybe one day before I start going into all of the compatibility things. And then I didn't even get to enjoy the crush. And, like, part of me was, like, mourning, like, oh, like, it feels so good to just have a crush on someone. But at the same time, I don't want to be naive and not look at those things. Ended up. That person definitely had those red flags, you know? But. So I would say it's like, how do we even, like, enjoy that love bubble when we're so aware of all of the potential, like, trauma bonds and, you know, codependency and avoidant attachment style and, like, all the things that could potentially be happening. Happening.

Yeah. I think that you need to allow yourself to have the experience and not. I think you have had bad experiences. So you're very apt to start looking for those because you're just trying to get it quick. It's like, yeah, instead of it taking me two weeks, let's see if we can shorten this to a week now.

And it's been a blessing, sure.

But now it's like, in 24 hours, like, you. You have gotten a lot better. But. But I. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. I think that being aware is. Is good. I think it protects you at the end of the day from going into a situation or wasting your time. I think if you're consciously gonna walk into a red flag, that's your choice. If you want to go ahead and do that. But as long as you're like aware and awake, that that's what's happening. I think, I think that. Not that that's what you're doing, but I'm just saying, like a person, if they decide to, you know, go into a frequency that might not be a vibe with them, like, if you're doing it from this place of like, oh, maybe it's just I'm bored, or maybe I just feel like, I don't know, maybe there is something here. I don't know. I think the reason why we get alerted intuitively is for a reason. You know, I think we need to pay attention to those things, especially when they come up in the beginning. Here's the other thing that I want to say, just to kind of touch back on the topic we're talking about. The distractions can come in also in the form of when we're talking about the love bombing. It's like if things happen too quickly. We see this all the time in relationships. When somebody meets somebody, they fall in love. All of a sudden, woman gets pregnant. They are just like in this bubble of new baby. And then it's like, now let's get married, now let's do this. You're still in the distraction. You don't actually know the person still. You do not know the person. So I, and I will stick by that because I and, and I have studied this, I have seen the statistics. And when you're now wrapped in this bubble, you're gonna. A year in, once that baby's one or two years old, you start to have, you know, those terrible twos, you start to have issues with your partner. Now all of a sudden it's like, okay, we need another distraction. Boom, next baby, you know, or boom, let's move. Or let's continue to distract ourselves. You know, that's why a lot of the times we get that lull or like the seven year itch, or that moment in time or kids leave for college and all of a sudden 20 years in, women are getting divorced, men are getting divorced because they don't actually know the person that they're with. Right. So I think it's really important for us in the beginning to be aware of that, that that's what's happening. Like you're going into that pheromone own bubble awake as opposed to being, you know, like just in this distracted phase. But, but this also could be my inner, you know, pessimist, you know, where I'm just.

Well, here's the thing though. It's like. But you had that. You know, what's the difference between love at first sight and love bombing?

Okay, so here, look.

I think it's like when you meet someone and at the beginning when both people really like each other, you kind of like, okay, love bombing is like, obviously it's like a negative thing. It's often someone who's narcissistic, which I don't.

I don't think it's a good thing that we use now. Yeah, I've changed my mind on that.

No, we don't want love bombers.

Yeah, we don't. We're not love.

We're not love bombers. We're just loving.

Yeah, we're just loving. Yeah.

We start. We call ourselves love. Our words. We didn't mean it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. To me, a love bomb is someone. But things. I don't think they're even doing it on purpose either is. They are just so excited about you that they're just trying to say whatever they can to, like, secure the deal. Yeah, they're like, I see you for the rest of my life. Like, I'm gonna marry you. I'm gonna take you to the Maldives. Whatever they want to say. And I think they actually mean it in that moment. But then it's like once that high comes off, then they're like, oh, my God, I just promised you all of these things that I can't commit to. I'm out. That's one version of love bomber. I actually think there's also, like, people like, who are like, narcissistic personality disorder who are purposely love bombing.

Manipulating.

They're manipulating. And they are often people who lacked the care of their mot. So they are on this quest of getting, like, female energy and female attention. So they've studied women. They know what women want to hear, which is a lot of future projection, stability, and security. So they're saying, I'm going to.

And constant communication.

Constant communication. So they do all of these things to lure you in. You feel like you're in love with them, then they back away. And then you're like, where's the love? Like, I need the love. And then you start reaching out and they're like, haha. Got them. And then that often begins, like that narcissistic loop. So there's that. Then there's love at first sight. Love at first sight can be harmless. It can even be beautiful. It's just like, I see you, you see me. Like, I did an episode on, like, past life connection. Maybe you had a very strong past Life connection with someone. Maybe it's just a strong soul knowing. Maybe it's just chemistry and it's just hormones too. You don't really know. Sometimes those relationships work and sometimes they don't. You know, I would say is it a safer bet to have a long. If we looked at long term relationship. I'm also curious the studies of this, of how many of them started with love at first sight versus how many of them built with time. I don't know the answer to that. I would say to me it makes more sense that they built with time because then, you know, there was none of that fogginess that got in the way. However, as a spiritual person, I do believe that like soul knowing energy is like direction and guidance from the universe. But it doesn't mean they're the love of your life.

Right.

It just might mean you guys have some karma to burn together. It might mean you have some lessons to burn together. But I do trust the intelligence of love. And sometimes it's like, you know, it's like, you know, they're not the love of your life, but it's like there's something that needs. There's a dance. You need to dance. Maybe that dance is one week and maybe that dance is one month. Maybe that dance is a lifetime. Who knows? Knows. However, you can also stop it too. You can also stop it and be like, oh my God. Like I can feel there is this draw with that person, but I'm going to choose to not. And it's hard as fuck.

Yeah.

Because you want to be moving towards that person. They probably want to be moving towards you. And like one person often has to be the one who like puts the brakes and like stops responding. And then the other person's like heartbroken of like, they don't really care about me. But it's like you do, but you just know that this isn't going somewhere. Somewhere. But then I find when you give it a little bit of space, you come to your senses again and you. And then you're like, thank God I didn't do that. But when you're in it, you're just like, it is pulling off a band aid. But the thing is like that, like there was a past life connection that I met and it very much felt that way. This like instant soul knowing. But I knew it's like, this is either gonna hurt right now or we're gonna try to do this dance and it's just gonna hurt more later. Cause we were, we didn't even live in the same country, you know, So I had to resist myself. I had to resist myself. And to be honest, after, like, a week. Week of not speaking, I was just moved on, you know, with my life. And. And I'm grateful for that because that could have been, like, five years out of my life had I gone for it.

Oh, boy.

I'd be living in Jamaica right now. Oh, my goodness. That wouldn't be so bad. No. It was not the direction that my soul was calling me into right now. But sometimes I think we meet people that we have. Have an opportunity of love with.

Yeah.

And then it's our discernment to choose which opportunities want to take.

Yeah, I like that. I can get on with that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like, how many careers could you have? Like, there's a lot of things I could do with my career, but I'm choosing this one now. I'm choosing this one later. There are certain things I probably will never do. You know, I think it's the same thing. Okay. But back to settling. It's like, when do we decide what's the dance we want to do?

Well, I think that. That only the individual.

So easy to just be like, no, no, no, no, no. When do we say yes?

Yeah, Well, I think that. Look, if we're talking about you, I think you need to say yes to. To trying a different plan. You know, I think you've been stuck in a loop for many months, and it's obviously not working. So my suggestion, if I was like. Like, giving you advice, would say, where.

What would you say? Where should I go?

I would say, first of all, change that height requirement.

I already did that.

And I would be more open to other demographics. You know, I would just. Like. There's just like, a plethora of, like. And here's what I believe.

Think your soul is attracted to certain archetypes because your soul is meant to know.

Like, I mean, I'm attracted to a certain archetype. That's not the person I'm with, you understand?

But I feel like Tori's your type. He is your type, for sure.

But he is. But, like, if Tori and I. If he. I've said this here before. If we were on a dating app, I would not swipe on him even though he's hot. I would probably.

I would do.

Based on his look, I would do the same thing I did in the beginning, and I. It was solely for his looks. Like, we didn't have anything in common. Like, I wasn't trying to be with this person the rest of My life. Like, I was not. That was not the intention. You know, I was like, like, he's fun and you have to remember so that maybe you should.

We should be thinking like that.

But. But here's the other thing. I knew him a year before we actually went on a date.

Right. You had mutual friends. That's.

We had mutual friends. And, and he was in a relationship, you know, So I kind of saw his way and I liked who he was, but like, I wasn't like, oh, this is my man forever. You know, I would like joke and be like, he's my husband. But I was like, I just, just wanted to hang out with him. Like, I wasn't trying to be in a relationship.

What we're looking for is someone we could have fun with and have a potential for long term. And that's what Tori was for you.

Yeah. He was fun and you weren't like.

Hell no, I could never be with you long term. You were like, this is fun and let's keep doing it.

Yeah.

And he had long term potential and fun. I think that's what we want. That's what not settling is, is. I choose you now and I would keep choosing you for tomorrow. Whereas I feel like it often feels like. Feels like you have to choose. There are the fun guys who tend to be like boys. And then you're just like, I don't trust you. I don't believe a word coming out of your mouth. So as a conscious woman, I can't even be in this vibration, you know? And then it feels like there's like the serious guys who are like, hey, how many kids do you want? 2.3. Okay, sounds great. Let's make a plan on it. And then you feel this is a business transaction. It's very hard, I find, to find both.

Yeah. Especially now because everything's written on. On an app. Like before you had actually have conversations and see like somebody saying, you know, maybe you're really attracted to them. And you're like, the chemistry is there.

And you're like, you're like this past life person. I would not said yes to him on the app either. You know, it was just like meeting him in person.

But you met him and all of a sudden you're like open to all of the things. Right? And I think that that's what happens. I think when you have that connection and we can't predict, we cannot predict, we can sit here and hypothetical all day long, like, what's the right way, what's the wrong way? But at the end at the end of the day, like. Like, we don't know what's going to happen. All you can know is, is what you're. What you want.

Yeah.

What you're willing to do, what you're not willing to do, what you're willing to compromise are on, what you're willing to compromise on and what you're not willing to compromise on. And ultimately, that. That's really all you have. You know, you're doing all the right things, you're working on yourself, you're being open, you're being proactive on your journey. But I. I still feel like you're. You're still trying to figure that out. Yeah.

You know, and I think part of me, too, knows that if I just go straight from one, like, marriage to the next, it's like I would be robbing myself from having a lot of these learning experiences that you only have through dating and getting to know different people, because that gives you the refinement. So you don't have this illusion that, like, oh, I could have been with, you know, the reggae star, whatever, whoever else. And it's like, okay, this is. This is actually what that looks like. And that's what that looks like. So. So that's why. It's like, when I got out of the relationship, I just want to get straight into another one because I had one and I still am such a relationship person. It's like, that's what I know. Well, I know how to do monogamy. I know how to do committed. I know how to do for life. I don't know how to do this single thing. It's still new for me, and it's still. Even a year later, I'm like, whoa, this is cray cray, you know?

And then you're asking me for help.

And it's the blind leading the blind.

Right.

But it's like. But it's taught me so much that I would have gotten into a relationship with. With just another version of my ex, you know, And. And that's what most of us do. We know our type, and we just keep fighting them again and again. And I think that that's. And that's something I actually want to call myself out to do, more of which you've mentioned is date outside of your type, you know, which is hard because it's like. And my type now is not my type of who I was with before either. But it's like, I think there is something around, like, throughout this year, I've had, like, ideas of people I would be with. And I would actually meet people like that in real life. And then it was kind of like looking what's on the other side of the rock.

Right.

Okay, let's look at, you know, someone who's like, I don't know, lover boy energy. And it's like, okay, these are the beautiful things about it, and these are the not so beautiful. Let's look at someone who's super, super fun and their inner child is so active. Here are the beautiful things. Here's not beautiful things. Here's someone who's like, really masculine. Beautiful things. Not beautiful things. And so it's given me. And I can't say that now I can understand that archetype based on that one person. It's just one person, but it's allowed. Like, I see, like, I was talking to my dad about relationships because we ended up spending a weekend in Miami. Taylor after Trinidad, which was really cute. And he was like, oh, I could have seen myself with, like, a hedge fund owner. Like, he has some fantasy around that that's who he could have really. And I'm like, you would have. She would have never put up with you. First of all, she's this, like, giant hedge fund owner. But he never dated around, you know, so he has this idea of that.

Yeah.

That in his mind, he's like, we could have run stocks together. But that's just like. I had this idea of, like, I need to date other guys in music, so we just make music together. And what it's shown me is, again, I would still love that. But tends to be two artists together isn't always the best. Is it always the best outcome because we're too similar.

Yeah.

You know, and I was finding a lot of guys who were so similar to me, you know, and we're just like besties, but we're the same person. And it's just like, not the duality, but what I find struggle, like a struggle with. But I see you have in your relationship is like, to be with someone who's just like, you know, And I want that really grounded routine, stable, which isn't a beautiful side of the masculine energy. So I am the more creative one. So that's definitely something I'm calling in more of to have. However, as a very creative, creative person, I find it hard to really dive deep with someone who doesn't have any element of creativity to them because it kind of limits the discussion and because I'm not. I'm genuinely not looking for a man for his stability, for my finances, because I'm Good. I really want that deep emotional depth. So it does make it a little bit more challenging, I find, because often the creative and emotional and heart centered people have a lot of vata energy.

Right.

The air. And then it can be ups and downs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is also a possibility to have all of those things and have somebody be creative. I just think that right now the. Oh, the creative is overshadowing the other qualities.

I got more hits to make now. Right.

But you can make those hits without.

I mean, I can. I can. Exactly. And I produce and make all my music and know people. I think it's also.

You turned into the person you wanted to date.

Exactly. I literally did.

And.

And that's the beauty too is like we. That's the purpose, I think of this dating journey is like, why are we attracted to them? We want to be them.

Yeah.

You know, be. Be that. If you're attracted to painters, part of you wants to be a painter. If you're attracted to super rich people, part of you just wants to be super rich. If you're attracted to people who like are living off the whim and spontaneous, you want to be more spontaneous. And it just feels like an easier act access point to just be in a relationship with them because then you're kind of like tapping into that energy without doing anything. It's the longer journey to become that thing.

Yeah.

And then once you become that thing, then that person's no longer attractive to you.

Interesting.

Yeah. Now like I would collab with that person.

Right.

There can only be one star.

There can only be one. Yeah.

So I don't know. So it's like that's the thing with settling. What could have been settling for you at one point is no longer settling in it. Then something you weren't selling with changes.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that's the trickiest thing I think about relationships today. We are changing at a level that we never have in human history.

Absolutely. And we continue to evolve and change. And I think with the advent of things like TikTok and Instagram and Facebook, we're seeing more of that evolution in real life. And we're learning so much more about the dynamics and relationships and settling and not settling and what the possibilities are. And I really do think that that's a big reason why men are. Are having a hard time being monogamous.

Yeah.

Because they're seeing all the options. You know, it's like more distraction. So I think it is. The information is definitely creating more of a knowing for us to see what's possible and what we can have and to not settle for less and to really aspire to be with a partner that values us. But at the same time it's also creating a big distraction and it's creating the more of the, the oh, but what if there's better?

And I think it comes down to do you want to be in a relationship?

That's really ultimately it.

Because you can keep looking for someone more fitting for you at this point of your life because you're going to keep changing. So then that person's going to keep changing for the rest of your life. The longer you wait, you will continue to find people more and then you'll say, thank God I wasn't with that person I met last year because I'm such a different person now. But it's like. But eventually you just have to decide, decide do I want to be in a relationship?

Yeah.

And I think there's a different mode and mindset you get into because then you're not looking for who's like my twin, you know, you're looking for, well, I want to be in a relationship. And then you're, you know. I remember when I first started dating last year, there was this guy I went on a date with. He was. Asked me all these like serious questions and it irked me.

The interrogator.

Yeah. He obviously overdid it. It was a full on deposition. However, that being said, now I can see he was looking for wife.

Yeah.

You know, because I've had other men ask me those questions now and doesn't really bother me, especially if I like them, you know, I'm not gonna be your wife. But I'm like, oh, wow. He was really like on it. Whereas back then I was so not ready. So I was just like, why are you asking all these questions and you're not really getting to know me. Like I didn't say that to him, but I was just, you know, even me on that. Even though I didn't want to be, that I was still like answering because that's how girls are trained to be.

Of like, like people please, people please.

And show up sometimes on a date, you don't even know if you like the date until you're off of the date, you know.

Yeah.

But that being said, and I think it happens more for men than it happens for women. Men get into this like I'm looking for a relationship or I'm looking for a wife. And then they start asking these compatibility. Like a lot of the accounts I follow, they say don't date. Vet. Vetting is different than dating. Dating is gathering data. Do I like this about you? Do I like that about you? It's not really even about you. It's about me getting to know me through you.

Interesting.

Vetting is I'm looking for this, this, and that. That I'm not getting emotional with you. Can you fill out those things, which is how, like, arranged marriages, you know, even today in India, an arranged marriage is different than a forced marriage. An arranged marriage is like the family is involved and the community and the astrologer and all sorts of things. And they do have lower divorce rates, but that's also just because there's so much shame and stigma around divorce and just put up with marriages. But that being said, they're not looking for a spark. They're not looking for romance. They're looking for compatibility based on family lifestyle paper. So, like, for example, my dad is like, go for someone who's like, our families will align because he's Persian. And it's just that mindset. And there is a truth to that of like, the less things you have out of common, the more likely it's like, okay, let's say a Persian. And a Persian is like, my brother's dating another Persian girl. They speak the same language, same culture. Are my parents and her parents already friends? It's like all these things, and I've never dated a Persian guy in my life. So it's like there was already. It's like I lived in India, like I was with an ar. Like, you know, it's always something different. But that being said, I don't like to be with exactly myself, especially culturally. I've never vetted kid. I've never done that. But again, I'm not like, looking for a husband and to have kids and that kind of thing. But for someone who is and looking for it soon, I actually think that's a better strategy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree. I think that's, you know, if you are on a mission. Yeah. I think that's different than going out and having experiences that you feel that you need to have before you do that process.

To me, though, it's like, it's hard. Okay. It feels like a mental process. Process. If I'm like, okay, I'm looking for someone that, you know, wants to vacation and Santa Barbara and this and that. Oh, you do these things. Okay, well, I guess we'll do life. It's like, it's so robbed of, like, love. But the thing is, love is a luxury. Love is really new to actually choose who you want to marry based on love. Brand freaking new concept.

It is a construction. It's a new construct.

It is, it is. But it's something like I was actually really sitting with my soul.

Oh.

Is here to learn about like the intangible things in life like spirituality. Dharma and love is like the thing, like the thing. These things have nothing to do with your survival. You can definitely survive without knowing your soul's purpose and, you know, being with your highest self and even having love. But like, I'm a mistake by nature, you know, so the things that I. Because I wasn't through Maslow's level, I had survival and stability and needs and wants that I'm going for self actualization. So for someone like me, I'm not willing to compromise on loves because we both like to go to Santa Barbara and like, could work well as roommates on paper. But maybe for someone that hasn't had that, you know, and they're looking for more stability, I can't judge that. And that makes sense.

Yeah, yeah.

So it's a matter of settling is like levels of consciousness. Like, I won't settle on someone. They don't need to be exactly at my level of consciousness. It's like maybe they're more involved in some ways in me, in other ways. But like someone that I wouldn't have be my friend. I think that was one of my biggest lessons too. Like, and that's why too is like I would love to love ideally to be friends with whoever I'm in a relationship with first. Because then it's like you're really being yourself without the trying to impress each other and spin game and putting your best face forward and then to grow from there, I think is a really beautiful thing.

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Yeah, I'm into it. I don't have anything else to add.

So guys, settle. Don't settle. I'm curious your thoughts on this. Please share on Instagram. My handle is I am Sahar Rose. I'm going to share a little clip of this. So share what your content is. I'm curious to learn about your relationships. Is also on YouTube. So sharing the YouTube comments. We always have great dialogue going there. This is also available on video on Spotify and if you love this episode, leave a review. Share for us your insight there and any questions you have for Rosie and I. Every month we have these like deep philosophical conversations about love and spirituality and all the matters of the heart. So share with us what you loved about this episode. Any questions and topics you want to go into, and we are so grateful to have you. Thank you so much for tuning in. All the links mentioned today are on Today's Show Notes. And be sure to tune into my new album, My Body Is the Altar, which really dives deep into my healing and self love journey after my divorce where I became the love of my own life. So you can find that link and hear it on Spotify Apple Music. My Body Is an Altar by Sahar Rose. And I'm so excited to share this with you. All right, I'll see you in the next audience. Trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance, Close your eyes and listen. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance, Close your eyes and listen.