564: How I Healed After My Divorce Through Embodiment + Sensuality w/ Layla Martin

The very places they tell you not to look is where God is.

Yes.

Seriously. And it's like that conditioning of, like, we're so. We're so afraid, and. And. And I have, like, so much compassion, even just, like, for that version of me. For everyone listening to this who, like, does feel the numbness, who does feel, like, even anytime I go there, it's like, this is too much for me. It's too confronting for me, because it's such a hard path to walk. Yeah, it's so hard. It's so confronting. Like, I totally get why someone would be like, I'm just gonna, like, use a vibrator on my. Like, that.

Totally.

But what's available for you on the other side? I mean, I wasn't a musical artist, but, like, I can. I can literally say it was yoni mapping that opened my voice. Like, even just my. The tone of my voice, of my conversation has shifted. My shape of my body has shifted. It was like I was a girl before and I became a woman through this welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose, and on this podcast, I love to take matters of the heart, the healing journey, but really the human journey, because we're here to feel it all and become more alive. And our traumas lead us to our dharma, our soul's purpose. And that's definitely what the journey was for me, especially after my divorce. If you've been through a divorce, you've been through a really big heartbreak or separation. I see you, you see me. It's big. Rocks your world, but also teaches you so much on the other side. So I was recently on my dear friend Leila Martin's podcast. She's such an amazing tantra teacher, and we dove deep how I utilize tools such as embodiment and yoni mapping to heal after my heartbreak and really rewrite stories of feeling like I wasn't enough to realize that I am this vibrant goddess and my body is an altar and I am a sacred site. Even though at the beginning of finding out about his ongoing infidelity, I did not feel that way. So in this conversation, you will hear her interview me about my liberation journey and how I went from heartbreak to heart opening, which activated my voice, which led to me starting to produce, sing, rap, and create my album, My Body is an Altar, which is now available streaming. We've gone over a million streams in the first month, which is freaking crazy now when you're listening to this. Been out for two months now, so who knows where it's at? And all just like word of mouth. I do not have a publicist or anything like that. And the album is really about the lessons that I learned from this divorce. So if you are someone that has gone through any form of betrayal, you know what it's like and to really find that worthiness and self love within yourself to see yourself as sacred. So I will also link my new album My Body's an Altar below. You heard my song Trust Flow in the intro music and I'll actually play a little snippet for of my new music video My Body's an Altar right now. So you can see really the art piece that it is. It's really about seeing the snake, the serpent energy eye to eye and no longer being a afraid of the shadows and no longer being so afraid of being alone and pain, but actually befriending it, integrating it, dancing with it, making love to it, making art out of it. And that is really what this journey has taught me, that the biggest things that we fear actually carry the biggest codes for who we are meant to become and we, we can surrender to what is the most magical lives await us on the other side. So I'm going to play a little snippet of my new music video for My Body as an Altar. I will link that music video in the album below and then we'll get right into the episode of Layla interviewing me. All right, I'm so grateful you're here. Now let's dive in. Yeah. Rose petals on my feet Incense as I breathe Honey dripping down my lips I fulfill prophecies Crystals on my waist Blue lotus in my tea the way I'm running Slow bliss through my body Dripping in rose gold Real life fantasy Baby I'm an altar the secret sight is me look baby, I'm an altar the sacred saint is me look baby, I'm an altar the sacred saint is me See all My body is the multi ball. My body is the multi ball My body is the multi ball. And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format, so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube or the Apple Store. This is the best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibing with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one.

Welcome, Sahara.

I'm so excited to be here because I have my own podcast, so I typically don't listen to other podcasts, but yours is the one I've listened to every single episode. So I'm fangirling for the moment that I re listen to this, and I'm like, I was on the Layla podcast.

That means the world to me. I love your work.

Your work. Bow, everyone. Just like, just bow to this queen right here. Like, wow, wow. Your episode on mine, it was just like one of my. Literally one of my favorite conversations ever.

Thank you so much. Yeah. And I love that between us that we've been able to cheer each other on, celebrate each other, inspire each other and play together.

Yeah.

And have, like, poolside conversations about, like, men and romance and like, all the wild things in the universe.

Love being on this glow up journey with you.

So there's so many things we could talk about. But what I most wanted to know in this journey and for everyone listening to hear about, is you've been on this incredible journey of being a Persian woman, right From Iranian culture and all of the conditioning around relationship, your body, your sensuality, your sexuality, you've gone from that to owning your whole life path, your whole Dharma has this incredibly inspirational entrepreneur. You put yourself out there so, so boldly on social media. Whenever I feel your transmission, I'm like, this is a woman standing for the zero fucks given transmission of powerhouse goddesses everywhere. You are a lighthouse that calls us all forward. But then you had this next chapter where you owned your sensuality and your sexuality even more deeply. So can you take us to your upbringing, to your conditioning, to who you were before this awakening?

Yes. So my grandmother was in a forced child marriage when she was 13 years old to my grandfather. And every woman in my family before that has been in a forced child marriage. So my parents were the first people in my lineage to have chosen, met a stranger, and have gotten married to them after really just two months of knowing each other. And my mom fled Iran during the Iran Iraq war as a refugee and came. Came to the United States. So my lineage has a lot of feminine suppression, a lot of fear, you know, war, having to literally leave everything overnight. And for a woman, you know, your beauty was a commodity for you to get you the safety of a man, AKA resources, because women were not allowed to work, you know, in many parts in the Middle east, they're still not allowed to. It's, it's. It's coming more, but there's still A lot of stigma around it, so. Stigma that I even grew up with. You know, career women will never get married. No one likes them, you know, divorced woman, let alone, oh my God, they're a disgrace. They're so shameful. No one in our family gets divorced, you know, so I grew up with this conditioning of be a virgin until you're married. Give that gift to your husband. Find the most successful man you can. Learn how to accommodate to his needs. You know, be the perfect trophy wife, always look good. I remember once my grandma was putting on mascara before she went to sleep. I'm like, why are you putting on mascara? She's like, like, well, what if your pop up wakes up? It's like, what if he even sees her for a moment without makeup on?

Yeah.

You know, and it's like that level of, you know, always look your best, always, always be fit, always have your hair done, always look good. Like, my mom would always be mad at me as a kid because I didn't want to brush my hair. I didn't want to like, you know, and it was like, you have to look the part. And it was very much like, your children are your trophies. Like, look at my daughter, she plays the piano, she goes to the school, she that. And that's your way of securing her a future with a successful man. So I grew up in that and I never really wanted to work, you know, I never had. I was like, oh, I would love to do non profit work and you know, have my hobbies, but I'll marry a successful man one day. And you know, I, I don't want to be, you know, cheated on. I don't want to be divorced. I don't want to be one of those career women. And then while I was in college, I started to really fall in love with health and wellness because I had gone through my own health challenges. And just to kind of share a little bit about that, part of my story is my body started really shutting down. I had really bad digestive hormonal issues. I didn't get my period for two years. So you can kind of see I was really out of touch with my core feminine energy, that my body stopped menstruating. And that brought me on the pathway of self healing eventually to Ayurveda. And I wanted to share this wisdom with the world. I ended up living in India for 2 years studying Ayurveda and then wanting to write a book about it. And that's when my parents were like, absolutely not. Like, you're going to be a Starving artist like you need to either find a husband or get a stable job, but you can't be getting advice from these hippies. And that literally. And that really brought me on my journey of is this life even mine to live? You know, my parents sacrificed so much for me, so don't I owe them my whole life's purpose? You know, how do I know? Maybe they're right. But also something deep in my heart is like, they're not happy either. And if I just take all my advice from them, I'll end up exactly where they are are. So that time period of my life was a lot of questioning, unraveling. I ended up, you know, staying in India. I was in Bali, meeting people who were like tantric life coaches and people like that I had never met before. And flash forward a few years later I came back to la. I was living with my grandma at the time and shortly after met a man who became my husband. And he came from a Middle Eastern background as well. He was like born in the United States like me, so he's open minded, but he still had that same kind of like, I saw it as like our cult like culture and conditioning, you know, and, and he wasn't repressive by any means. But there was still a lot of unspoken expectation like, oh, you can't post a picture of yourself in a bathing suit or in that outfit. Like, what are people going to think? I know how men think. And just a lot of, of that continual programming and in Middle East, Middle Eastern culture, in a lot of cultures, it's like that's how men show they care, you know, it's to control you. Right. So I was in that, in that relationship for seven years until I found out about a betrayal that was going on. And as soon as I found out, I knew that it was time for me to leave that marriage. And honestly, had that not happened, I would have stayed in it forever because of my conditioning is, you're married, this is your husband till death do you part. Even though we had really grown apart, even though we weren't spending time together, we didn't really have mutual friends, interests. I never in my, it was not in my periphery to ever think about a divorce because you just accepted and you, you kept going. And I, you know, was just like, well, no marriage is perfect and you know, at least he's there. And in my parents marriage I had seen my dad come home from work stressed out and then kind of go up into his office, shut the door until he was ready to eat dinner. And then me and my brother would have to sit almost like little minions, ask him questions. And then when he was done, it was like, shut off again. And so that's all I had ever seen a man be. I had never seen a man be emotionally available, like actually talk to you about your day. And. And so I kind of was just like, yeah, that's what fathers husbands do. They show up, they provide. You're on your best behavior, you only have a few minutes with them, so you better be interesting enough to hold their attention until they go back into their caves. So that's what I was just used to in my marriage as well. So that really shook me to my core. And I will be able to one day share the story more about what happened in a. In a book. But I was essentially awoken in my sleep and given the red pill overnight. And that red pill of seeing something that was, I did not know was happening was like, what else do I not know is happening? What are the other. Because I was already. This is guys. December 2022. It was like I'd already written four books, I already had my. It's like I was a deeply embod bodied already person. And to have this still go on, I was like, wait, I thought I was intuitive, like, can I even trust myself then? Like, how did I, how did I not see this? And. And I think that's the hardest part of a betrayal, is like, you really just gaslit yourself. Yeah, can I even trust myself anymore? And I had a hard time making any kind of decision during that time period. I would just ask my friends because I was just like, I don't know, obviously I'm bad at making decisions here. And that made me start to look at how was I normalizing the distance in our marriage from my childhood? How is this form of betrayal connected to my and his ancestry of generations of women who had been abandoned, abused, betrayed, and then made to hold captive to his story to protect him. And I was just like, this ends with me. And I was already a stand for the feminine, but it wasn't until I had experienced it to such a core level of it in my own life, of it being the demise of my marriage, which was like the safety and the only foundation that I knew. I was just like, oh, wow. Like the patriarchy runs deep and it's hidden sometimes in your own home in ways that you would never experience.

It's still mapped all over your own body.

Absolutely, absolutely. And part of that mapping the body was I started to realize how disconnected I actually was from my sexuality. Have you recently gone through a heartbreak that rocked your world? And honestly, you're still maybe picking up the pieces. You've learned so much from this experience, but you also know there's so much more awaiting you and probably you have an intuitive sense that this was meant to happen for you to become your highest self. Well, I've been there. At the end of 2022, I found out that my then husband had been cheating on me and it was the most horrible news I've ever gotten. But now looking back on it, I can say it was my life's greatest blessing because without that I would have never left the marriage where honestly, we were quite incompatible in many different ways. But it took me getting to that level for me to actually see see what was not working in the relationship and for me to set off and create this new life where I traveled the world for a year, started producing music, singing, rapping, dropped an album called My Body is an Altar that has hundreds of thousands of streams around Spotify, creating music videos, moving to la, dressing in these really cute outfits, becoming my fullest expression, and most importantly, not having anything in my consciousness that I'm afraid of anymore. I have become truly liberated. And that is the gift of a heartbreak. So all my friends would come to me when they would go through their heartbreaks. I know a lot of people are in it right now. And this is why I've decided to create my ultimate heartbreak healing course. So it guides you step by step with the exact tools and realizations that I used on myself during my heartbreak that have allowed me to not just heal from it, but but become this version of me that I am frankly obsessed with. So for 33 days, every single day, I will be guiding you through a practice journal prompt will be writing poetry, healing and transmuting so much. But most importantly, taking this as the opportunity for you to become the version of you that you've always felt it was too soon to be. So I'm so excited for you to get started. As soon as you join the course, you can get started on day one. I have seen a insane transformations and I can't wait to see what awaits you on the other side. So head over to iam saharrose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50 off. Again, that's I am Sahara S A H a r a rose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50 off. You can find that link in the show notes and I'm super excited for you to, to meet the version of you that's on the other side. Because I was with my ex husband since I was 24 years old. I was in a four year relationship before that. So I never really went on a self pleasure journey. You know, I always had a partner there. And it's almost like that stigma of like, oh, why would you touch yourself if you have a partner? Like, you know, So I never really went deep into it. I know I've wanted to sign up for your program a million times. It was like I never had the time to. It was almost like I just wasn't even ready to dive deeper into that. But once this like really like overnight divorce just happened and there was so much pain and so much grief and so much anger and so much disgust and just so many layers of felt unending within me. And you've been there and it's like sometimes you're just like, will I ever get out of this moment? And that's when I really started to lean into a pleasure practice of like, how can I bring pleasure into this pain right now? And I started to realize how very disconnected I was from my yoni to the point that like fingers in my yoni, I would feel disgust. I was like, ew, it's like my organ, like. And I was just like, this is like, I knew cognitive, like, this is my body. I should not feel disgust. But it was like, I'm very squeamish when it comes to like even blood and stuff. So I just started like really working at that. Really just starting like first, it was just, I mean, the first layer of grief, you can't even go there. And then it was like, how can I like start to feel my outer vulva? How can I just start to like touch myself even in just like an opening way? And I started to really ask around people. And it began with pelvic floor therapists and feeling the, the tightness and the restriction, especially my left side, which is related to the feminine. And then this amazing womb healer named Alexandria who. That was my first experience of really like hands on yoni work that also includes arousal, which I was like, I didn't even realize what I was getting into. And I was just like, what is happening right now? But it showed me that how many times have we allowed penetration into our body, whether it's from our gynecologist, from ourselves, from a partner, when we're not fully aroused and engorged, that we're like stuffing something in there that doesn't want to be. She's not ready, she's not opened for it.

It's the equivalent of, like, if someone were to just start a massage by, like pushing really hard into your body, what does your body do? Right?

Yes.

And so the Same massage pressure 20 minutes in would feel amazing, but if the massage therapist started out that way, you would actually clench around it. And that chronic clenching is what creates so much of that pelvic floor tension. And then you either get pain or numbness as a result. And that's why I like. Tight pussy is such a patriarchal term, right, because it's like not ready, not open, not receptive. Strong pussy is totally different. Strong, open, receptive.

And we want wet pussy, wet. We don't want tight, dry, hurting pussy. That's not going to feel good and that's not going to have the engorgement either. That is actually what feels amazing for. For a man. So, you know, so I started to really go into this journey of like, what is my turn on? Where are these different points within my yoni? And then moving from the numbness of feeling nothing to oftentimes just deep tears. Deep. We talked about this on my podcast of, like, meeting my inner lilith energy that was living in me of this, like, for me, it's like this. This like, old haggard woman who just wants to be fudged, you know, and she's like, so disappointed in men and she's just like. And it's like she just wants to be fucked, you know, and like meeting these different sides. And then every time I'm like, wow, had I not done that practice, all of that would have been living in me and I would have been manifesting my reality from that still being the conscious experience within. And I started to really learn about the cervix and how the cervix is the base of our nervous system. And it's like, you want to talk about nervous system healing, go straight to the root. And like, really touching. I never had touched my cervix before with my finger. Like touching my cervix, feeling around it, feeling where there's points of congestion and then, oh, my God, it opens you up to God, like such orgasmic states that I was having better orgasms from myself with my little finger than I ever was in my entire marriage.

And it's like, better not touch yourself if you have a husband, because you might find out how fucking awesome it is.

You might find out that you have all the DMT in the world in.

Your yonis so you could be with a man because you wanted to be, not because you had to be.

Oh my God. And then you, you're not desperate for men anymore. Because, you know, when I got out of the marriage, it wasn't like I like made a choice to be single. It was just like, oh my God, now I'm single. I like, I literally don't know how to do this. It felt like my arm had been chopped off. So like the first propensity is like, find another long term partner so I can go back to my life.

Yeah.

You know, it felt like there's this massive void. Find someone new, go back. And then God universally cockblocked me, like it was not working anyone because I needed to learn how to be alone. And that for me was the hardest thing. It's like I was alone a lot in my marriage, but to like live alone, be alone. Like, I remember you invited me to come live in your queendom and earlier this, this year and, or last year, and I was like, I feel like I need to just be alone in the mountains. And that's what I did. I just had a house and I would just sit there and like when I would feel that like deep loneliness slash like feminine yearning that comes up sometimes when you're single that you're just like, it's just like this craving that like only love will kind of like take away and then you're. It comes up. And it would come up randomly. I'd be working or something. It would be this like deep yearning and I would like get on a dating app or eat chocolate or like distract myself. And I would just become so conscious of like, you're not alone, you know, like, be patient, you know? Because anyone that you find from this energy, it's not the energy you want to be in relationship with. So I would like sit in that aloneness and like, what am I so afraid of here? And like get even to the core root of like, if I'm alone, that means I'm insignificant. Okay, why does that mean I'm insignificant? Well, it means no one will if even know that I'm here. It's like, okay, what does it mean if no one knows that you're here? It's like, I don't know, I'll just be here. And it's like, so then what? It's like then there's peace. I'm like, so then what am I so afraid of? It's just peace. But I was so used to, I don't even know who I am outside of relationship with someone else. And so I really needed to sit with that. And, I mean, I spent this entire year completely celibate in my own energy, with my yoni mapping, of course. And I'm so grateful for this year because I know if I had gotten into a relationship, I would have escaped myself. You know, I was in that deep pain of just, like, I want to be mad. And that's not everyone's journey. But for me, I think sometimes your biggest fears need to come to reality to happen. And my biggest fear was, like, what if I end up alone? It's like, okay, so what if you do?

Yeah. Yeah. All right. A couple of. There's. There's so much. I think I just came up with a new term, which is goddess celibacy, which means I'm not having sex with others, but I'm definitely having sex with.

My crystal sex with my crystal egg.

I definitely do sex magic rituals in my bathtub.

Totally dated.

And I got it. Celibate.

Yes.

Because it's like when some of our friends are like, I'm monogamous. I'm like, not per. Like people in Idaho. I'm like, oh, it's California monogamy, where you just hook up with your hot friends.

It's like, California sober.

Totally. Tell these people we've got goddess celibacy. Okay, number one. Number two, let's talk about cervical de armoring for just a second for anyone who was like, wait, wait, wait, how would I do that for myself? Number three, let's actually just address your rainbow face really quick. And the sacrifice you made to have a rainbow face. Cause you sat down and we were like, whoa. And then we were like, no, no, no, no.

We need to keep this perfect.

Zahara looked in the sun the whole time in an uncomfortable way so that she could have a rainbow face. And I just want you to know, this is the woman she is.

I will stare into that light if it means I'm gonna look rainbow for you guys.

You know, I've been like, I've got the sun on my back, so I'm, like, sweating like crazy. Me sweating all over myself is like a semi regular appearance on this podcast, over the Rainbow. All right, and then let's have some sex magic. Are you down for that?

Yes.

Okay, cool. So this is my mood supplement line, and sex magic fits really well with God of Celibacy. We're gonna have a goddess Celibacy podcast, which means that we're not gonna fuck each other, but we are gonna drink sex magic elixir and feel, like, a lot of waves of ecstasy. That Maybe border on orgasms.

Yes.

We might even. Might even tip over. You. You never know what's gonna happen.

Inshallah.

So these are herbs and nootropics that are designed to make your body feel amazing, enhance blood flow sensitivity and feelings of Eros. Has arousal enhancing shilajit, and it matches Sahara's face. God did that on purpose. And then do you want anything else? You can also mix it with play, sensuality or ecstasy.

Got some nice saffron in here. Saffron is a Persian aphrodisiac.

I know, it's really magical. It's one of the, like, most scientifically proven aphrodisiacs. I've had so many moments of sex magic because I like to drink it before rituals, but I also like to drink it for workouts and for sex rituals. And I will, like, like, we have.

Like a little volcano shadow of what's about to go down. Totally, totally.

So the thing you said that I'm sure people listening are like, whoa, what was that? Right. Is the yoni mapping, which you can also call it D armoring. There's a lot of different names for the practice. And so the way that I've taught it actually is you can use your fingers, but then to also use a crystal wand because it can go much deeper inside than your own fingers. So you can actually do both. Using your own fingers is really beautiful for that connection to self. And using the wand is really beautiful for going even deeper than sometimes your fingers.

Well, I have a position that people can go into that allows you to really access deep, which is going. Going into child's pose.

Ah, child's pose. Okay. Because there's also, like, legs up.

Yeah. No, if you go in child's pose and you kind of have a pillow, so it's like underneath your hand. That's how my teacher taught it to me. And it's. That was like my first time ever accessing. And so her. Her wisdom is to always use your finger itself because then it allows for that, like, microcosmic orbit of, like, your own finger. Because it's like our hands are so healing. They have reiki energy in them. So it's. And also with the finger. Yes. The one you can for sure go deeper, but the fingers, like, you can really feel the different tissue.

Yeah.

In a really deep way. And, like, feel where there's, like, points of congestion and tightness. You. You notice such a difference. And you notice by doing it, your yoni becomes so much more supple, so much more just like plush. And it's just like this, like, plush little pink palace in there. So. But. But yeah, I would say yoni mapping too. It's not necessarily a pleasure practice. It's like a lot of times it brings. I mean, I've cried so many times from it. It brings up whatever is there. I feel like it just really lets your gut guard down. And it's so somatic. Right? It's again, it's a base of your nervous system. It's like when you're a baby, it's like the first part of you that's. That's developed. So I find from doing it, it's like you really can't hide from yourself. And so, yeah, like, you do have orgasms, but it's like sometimes it's pleasurable, sometimes it's like. It's just like different orgasms, different parts of your body, they have different textures. But I find. And people often cry during orgasms, but when you're by yourself, you can, like, go there in ways that, like, often with a partner, it's just a different. It's like when you're writing in a journal just to you versus telling someone. So I find, and I hope to bring this practice for the rest of my life no matter what, because it just allows you to, like, tune back into, like, what am I actually sitting with right now in my cauldron?

Yeah, I've. I've had experience and work with actually five different types of yoni mapping experiences. So the reason it's called yoni mapping is this idea that, like, every single point on your yoni is this destination, right? Just like a map. And so it's like at some points there literally is like, rage that wants to be expressed and released. At some points, it's like tears upon tears. Right? You can use your own fingers. You can use a crystal wand of some sort. And then you can also work with a partner.

Right?

So your partner can use their fingers or your partner can use a wand. And then I've also worked with people who just do it energetically because, as you said, this idea of having consent for penetration is so important. And it's one of the, like, first things that I feel all of us need to be taught is checking in. Do you want to be penetrated?

Yeah.

Even by yourself? Right. Is it a yes? As opposed to just putting our fingers up there?

Right.

Putting a wand up there, putting an egg in there. Right. Let alone putting like a hard cock or like someone else's tongue or fingers in there. It's like, is she a yes? Is Is this part of me a yes to this, or is it a no? And even just hearing that, because I have seen women and people of all genders with actually, like, heal a lifetime of pain that they couldn't heal any other way by making a commitment to, I will never have you be penetrated again unless I am a yes. I will honor your no. And we're not taught that. We were just taught, like, hey, like, as soon as, like, he or they want to put it in, like, done, you know, and, like, you just, like, deal with that. And in fact, that's, like, hotter in a way. It's so fetishized in culture. But once that happens, like, for me, if I'm penetrated before I'm ready, my body then is in chronic no for the rest of the experience, and I never get to ecstasy. I never get to my deepest orgasm. So what we're doing as a culture by prematurely penetrating women and people with pussies, no matter what their gender identity is, is we're actually cutting off and disconnecting their path to the highest ecstasy and orgasm. Because if you think about it, you start a massage with a massage therapist who's just like, right. Do you relax for the rest of the massage? No, it's done.

Yeah, it's over.

Right? So that's so important to realize and that so much of our history, both this in this lifetime and ancestrally, is stored there in the walls of the yoni, actually in our energy body and in our tissues. So energetically, if someone's not a yes to penetration, you can actually energetically penetrate yourself with a wand of light or like a finger of light to actually do the release, even if your pussy is a no. One of my stories is actually with. Was with Andrew at the time, and he was using his fingers to de armor my cervix, right? Which is to press in, and he would press into a point around my cervix. So it's like making a clock around your cervix and hitting every point, and then the very center being super gentle, and then going deeper if it feels right to your body, right? And so you breathe into that point of contact and you exhale, right? And you sound whatever's there, and this is what allows your body to release. When I did that on a point in my cervix, it was like my mother's grief and my grandmother's grief and, like, generations of poverty and repression and abuse and trauma and heartbreak and addiction just like. Like, literally, like, catapulted out of my cervix. Through my whole entire system and rattled my being. And I processed and processed and expressed and expressed and expressed. And it felt like my cervix unlocked in a whole new way. And so a lot of us are like a cervical orgasm. Like what? Like it still hurts if I get knocked there during sex. Or like that's a painful part of my body. And usually that's because there's an energetic barrier that is still living in the cervix that prevents us from accessing not only pleasure, but the deepest orgasm. And then eventually, the activation point for Kundalini Ma is in the cervix. It's actually right there. And it's like this tragedy. It's a Shakespearean tragedy and a cosmic joke all at the same time. That it's like the universe is like, we will give you a powerhouse center point of living goddess embodied consciousness, when which it awakens will place you on a mystical journey of your own divine remembrance beyond anything you've ever known. And the whole world will go of color and magic will be restored, and your body will become super orgasmic. And also you'll have to heal, like, every goddamn thing inside of you. It's all part of the journey. But you know what? We're gonna hide it deep inside. And then we're gonna create a whole bunch of religions that are gonna teach you that going there is hellish and scary or bad or wrong, or you'll be slut shamed for it. And then we'll condition all the men to have this misunderstanding of female sexuality that they're supposed to take from her and fuck her really hard while she's all tight so no one finds this magical button and unlocks the secret of the universe. And then men will become slowly starved and more disconnected from their own magic because it's killing them slowly to dehumanize another human being that way, even though they don't even realize it. And then one day we'll be like, holy shit, how did we get here? Everyone's so sad and lost and broken, and we've forgotten our divine power. Oh, God, what's the answer? We're going to fuck each other right again and find our way back through the cervix. And by the way, the men's point is in the perineum, so God's like, I'm gonna hide it and back it up to your yo.

Coming to theaters 2025. You got a problem. That was just the trailer of humanity right there.

You got a problem with your own jokes on you all of it, the.

Very places they tell you not to look is where God is.

Yes.

Seriously. And it's like that conditioning of like, we're so, we're so afraid and, and, and I have like so much compassion, even just like for that version of me. For everyone listening to this who like, does feel the numbness, who does feel like even anytime I go there, it's like, this is too much for me. It's too confronting for me because it's such a hard path to walk. Yeah, it's so hard. It's so confronting. Like, I totally get why someone would be like, I'm just going to like, use a vibrator on my clit. Like, fuck that totally. But what's available for you on the other side? I mean, I wasn't a musical artist, but like, I can, I can literally say it was the only mapping that opened my voice. Like even just my, the tone of my voice, of my conversation has shifted, my shape of my body has shifted. It was like I was a girl before and I became a woman through this, my groundedness within myself, I became so much more embodied. I became so much more self aware. And then any times that there were those pings of like, oh my God, the loneliness that I need a man, that this, it's just like, girl, let's just go into the bedroom, you know? And it's like. And then you can make decisions from a really sovereign place.

Yes.

Of like, do you meet me emotionally, mentally, spiritually? Physically. And, and what you said too, about the penetration, being preemptive. Oh my gosh, like, I had to forgive myself so much for all of the times, even in my own marriage that I would have sexual because I didn't want to bore him. I didn't want to take it to take too long. And I see so many women do this of like, if it, if I actually waited until my body was fully aroused, it would take 20 minutes, 45 minutes, he would lose interest. So let me just convince myself. And then of course, if you're starting at a zero and let's say your ecstasy is at a ten, you might get to a four. You know, if you're just going straight from like this plane to penetration and maybe a little bit, I mean, even because of the porn, it's really changed the way that men are showing up sexually with women. It's just like they're. They're treating a yoni like a penis. It's. It's not. And so then, then you shame yourself. Why can't I have orgasms? Why am I not wet? Why don't I enjoy sex? Why not this? And it's like, let's say you got your body to a six, an eight, and then the moment any kind of penetration, even your own finger comes in, it's like instantly orgasmic because you've built up that life force within yourself. But it's the patience, you know, it's the. It doesn't need to be right now. And, and to living your life in a more orgasmic way of like, if I'm working, I'm just doing like a breast massage on myself. I'm just touching my skin. Like, you know, especially when you're single, you have to learn these ways of like, self soothing, right? And it's something I never really needed to do before. And so now it's like sometimes you just want to have your own hair touched and you can touch your hair. Sometimes it's like you just want to feel a stroke on your thighs. And you can do that for yourself. And it just show, like, we have so much power to give ourselves the feeling that we want, and then we can only receive that from someone else if we know how to give it to ourselves first.

Absolutely, Absolutely. There's something so beautiful about everything that you've said, and it underlies, like, our resistance to it culturally creates such a huge pain body, right? My aunt used to say to me, the most popular Oprah episode of all time was, I don't want to have sex with my husband. Right? And there's a whole generation of men raised with all this misunderstanding, right? It's very rarely intentionally manipulative. Like, if you asked most men, would you want to be like, creating a premature shutdown in your woman's body such that she can't touch her ecstasy? They'd be like, no. Like, do you want to be perpetuating, like, thousands of years of, like, patriarchy?

Men want to please us so deeply. They just don't know how.

They don't know how because we feel.

Shame in telling them.

Exactly. And then we make ourselves so wrong, right? I don't orgasm quick enough. There's something wrong with me. I don't love my person enough. Right. And then what happens, though, if someone's penetrating your body when you're a. No. Right. Over time, your body's gonna develop anger, resentment, and then the last wall when you can't put up a boundary for yourself or you don't choose to is disgust. You actually become disgusted with your partner. And so many people and women do not recognize the origin of the disease distance that becomes created sexually with their partner. When we're talking like a good, healthy, decent partner. Right. And there's so many people who have good, healthy, decent partners and they don't want to them. A big part of it is that. And also that people don't let themselves sexually heal. Right. Because if you think about it, the yoni mapping that we're talking about, that yoni mapping wants to happen no matter what. So if you've got like a dick inside of you or someone's fingers inside of you, your yoni is going to want to heal. Yeah. If you don't let her heal, what's going to happen is you're going to shut yourself down and you're going to disconnect your own ecstasy. So some of it is premature penetration and some of it is us not realizing how deeply our pussies and yonis want to purge from this whole past reality and come into the now so they can live the celebratory magic and ecstasy and orgasmic infinity that is available to them.

Such a good point. Because you're listening to this podcast, I'm gonna make a quick assumption about you. Your friends come to you for advice whenever you're at a party. Someone corners you at the side of the stack table and starts telling you all their childhood dramas. And you actually love diving deep into spiritual topics. And you have a really good way of communicating with people. So the best way to actually go create a career doing this is through coaching. But I know a lot of people, they're like, I don't even know where to start. I don't even know what type of coach I would be. So I've created a quick, easy quiz to discover your unique coaching style. So there are three categories. The intuitive, transformational, or empathetic coach. So the intuitive one really works with your intuition. You're able to receive downloads. You just have insights about people. The transformational one has more of that fire energy. You love to keep it real and help people go through the deepest phoenix rising from the ashes moments in their lives. And the empathetic coach really loves to listen, hold space. They're very grounded, nurturing. So if you're curious which type you are, you can try my free quiz@quiz.highestself institute.com Again, that's quiz.highselfinstitute.com which is my school that certifies spiritual life coaches. And you can find that link in the show Notes on the super excited to see what type of coach you are, because I'm a hire you one day. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust you in the guidance.

Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like, it's not that long. It's. It's a lot of work. It's hard work. Right? That's what I always tell people. I'm like, look, if it was as easy as snapping your fingers or learning a couple of things, that everyone would be multi orgasmic, right? The multi orgasmic bliss and God surrender through sexuality that you seek is bought for with the ticket of being willing to feel your pain and being willing to feel your everything inside of you, no matter how uncomfortable it is. So I'm curious for you, what was it like inside of you when you had your whole ancestry from a certain point was spring? No. Because if you go far back enough, all of our ancestry gets like magical and like sexy again, right? All of that was spring. No. And you could have taken a path, right, of shutting down or finding another seemingly nice husband, right, to like fill the hole and done the whole thing over again. What did it feel like inside of you and how did you know to make a different choice?

I just knew that if I trust God and that I trust that everything is happening for me for a greater reason than this living nightmare that I was in had to be happening for me for a reason of getting me out of a reality that I would have never gotten out of myself. And that there was something so much greater for me. A greater, higher life, higher love, higher understanding, higher sense of self. But when you're just in a timeline in a marriage, it's like all, all you can see is your reality with that person. And I remember sometimes I would ask him, like, what's your big vision in life? And like, my big vision, I'm like, I want to live in like Bali or Costa Rica one day with like community drumming in the jungle and we're like swimming naked in pools and doing sex magic and dancing and I'm DJing and we're drumming and like, that's mine, by the way.

We're still doing that.

Yeah, we're doing that. And he's like, that's not interesting to me at all. Like, his best reality would be like at a techno house rave doing a of lot, lot of stuff that I don't do, you know, and it was just different, it was a different vibe. And I was like, okay, well I guess we'll have to find a shared one. That's not really what you, how you want to live your life. It's not really how I want to live my life either. And I was just, I guess that feminine thing of thinking, one day he'd just change. One day he would just decide to be the spiritual man bun person that I want him to be. And it's like how we just do this to ourselves. And the thing is, it's like. Like he was getting more and more spiritual with time. So I was like, see, it's working. It's working. Just give it a few more years and my vision is gonna happen, you know? And it's like God was just like, no, he has his own path and you have yours. And so being awoken out of, like, my root chakra, completely out of balance, I was just like, okay. I, like, the first thing was like, where do I even live? Right? And I'm like, I could move back to la, sign a lease. The first place I saw some, like, you know, random apartment in Marina Del Rey. I don't even like Marina Del Rey, but it was just available online. I was in Bali at the time, and just, like, try to get back to my life. Or I can just be in this unknown as long as possible. Even though it's so confronting, it's so scary. There are time periods that I'm just freaking out, but I see the longer I'm in this abyss, the more magical my life becomes. And I started to just, like, hear, like, someone would be like, oh, Trinidad Carnival. I'm like, I'll come. And then I end up there. And then someone would say, oh, Portugal. And then I'm there, and then I'm making music. And then. And then I'm in London, and I was just, like, in the Complete Surrender experiment this whole year, like, none of those places I planned or even knew anyone. I would just listen and listen and hear things and trust it. And I ended up meeting people who just opened up different sides of myself. And I was seeing, like, wow, had I just. You know, I feel like what happens oftentimes in a breakup or a big, like, traumatic event is like, you're on the ground floor, which is like the consciousness you had before, and you're going up these elevators of. Of consciousness. And it's so easy for us to, like, on the. The first floor, the second floor be like, okay, let me get back into another relationship. I've done some healing. I've been single for a month, two months. But then you realize the longer you stay in this void, wow, now I'm on. On the fifth floor. Now I'm on the tenth floor. Now I'm on the twentieth floor. I'm seeing things from a higher level perspective. I'm becoming a version of myself that I'm. I'm so in love with. I would have never had these realizations had I been in the realization that I was like, wow, the longer I can be in this abyss, the more my elevator is rising. So, like, how long can I stay here? And I was in that abyss of literally living out of the one suitcase I took for my divorce. I gave all my things away. I. To this day, I don't have any furniture, any clothes, anything from that old life. I walked out of that door. I never went back.

Wow.

So everything you see that's hot pink is brand new. But I was in that void for a year. And then actually what happened that I've never shared publicly before is when I was in London, I was targeted for a break in. And that was a really big, like, you know, when you go through one traumatic event, you're like, okay, I'm cleared. The karma. And then there's another. You're like, what? What? And it was like me reliving one. It was literally, I was recording my podcasts and then at 8pm I get a call from the property manager saying my place had been broken into and they don't know what's still there. And it was this extremely traumatic thing. They had targeted me. They had broken down the door violently. Thank God I was not there. And there was like a huge investigation. And I just packed up my things that night and I left the next day. And it was like me replaying the trauma in my lineage, like my mom literally living Iran in the middle of the night because of the war. My grandmother also was targeted by the Islamic regime in Iran because she was a single woman living by herself that they took people, broke into her house, tried to kill her. And it's like this. My uncles were political prisoners and it was like this, this trauma of like, overnight you'll lose. Even my. How my marriage ended. It's like, overnight you just lose everything, you know? And I had to then confront that head on. And I realized this other limiting belief that I had that like, I will never meet a guy in la. So this other thing that as I was traveling was also like, and maybe I'll find him in Portugal, and maybe I'll find him in London. Okay, he's not in London. Maybe I'll find him in Bali. And maybe this. It's like that still programming of like, I have to go somewhere to find a guy and Then I'll just, like, make a whole new life there, you know? And what the break in really taught me was like, you have your home, you have your foundation, you make your dream reality and be so anchored in your own root chakra. And from that queendom, you will. You will magnetize someone who's in their own kingdom too, rather than you kind of like jumping ships. So, you know, sometimes I'm like, God, like, why do you have to make things so dramatic? I could have just, you know, decided. But fine.

Goddess has a flair for drama.

Yeah. But it's doing it for the plot. You know, it's interesting on podcasts. Like, but we've had enough, like, next one. Can we just talk about the incredible lovers I have? Can that be the next episode? But it was like, God just was just like you. I would have kept traveling indefinitely.

Yeah.

If that hadn't happened. And it just needed to be that shake up of just like, okay, like, like, you've been around the world and it's like, now really hone in on your craft.

Yeah.

And like, since getting back, I've just been so dialed into my music. And now my album, my. My Body Is an Altar, which is really about the lessons I've learned through this experience in musical form is coming out on Women's Day on March 8th. And it's like, ultimately, it's like, I love traveling, I love exploring new cultures, and they all carry codes for us, but it's all within us. You know, it's all frequencies within ourselves. And once we tune into it, we're just like, wow, like, me living my Dharma, I mean, it saved my life this year. Like, did it. If had I not had my dharma, my sense of purpose, I would have lost myself. But then sometimes it's like, I would be crying. I would be deep in it. Then I would have my, like, coaching call for High Self Institute, and it would, like, remind me of my worth.

Yeah.

Especially when dating. Oh, my God. On these dating apps, it can really mess with your worth because people ghost you. They're, you know, they bare minimum of trying. And then you're like, is it me? Am I attracting? This is the collective. And then you create these generalizations. Dating sucks. All men are like this. All that. And I was like. And then. And then I would live my dharma. I would, like, speak on stage. I would DJ my set, I would make music. I'm like, wait, I'm literally my dream girl. Like, I am so fucking in love with myself. Like, what? Like, and. And then that would change My vibration. And then. Then I would meet people who could see that within me as well. And I'm so grateful to be able to have a sense of Dharma, because I know so many women in my lineage and throughout the world don't. And for anyone who's listening to this, who's deep in it, like, take this as your opportunity to become the version of you you always felt like it was too soon to be.

Yes.

Like, I always knew, one day I'll be an artist, one day I'll make music, but I don't know how. And, you know, I have my career, I have my business. I have to focus on that. And, you know, spirit was just like, no, the time is now. Start doing it. And I. I feel music especially, it allows us to give people a frequency and embodied experience of a texture that, like, cognitive words cannot. Like, I can tell you how to be sensual, steps one to five. Or I can play you. My body is an altar. The sacred site is me.

We're gonna play that for you. So there'll be, like, a little snippet of it. All right? So I want to break down some of this insane, high level wisdom that you are sharing so people can adopt it for themselves if they want to. Because one of the things I revere about you, like, you bowed to me at the beginning of this, and I want to bow to you just because I see you move through life with such divine alignment and such power and such grace through all of it, through the traumatizing events, through the heartbreak, through the shocking experiences, it takes my breath away. Whenever we have exchanges, I'm just like, well, God damn, so beautiful. So one of the things that you're talking about that I understand through the Tantric tradition, right. Is a type of darshana, which is a view, right? And the Tantrics really emphasize if you want to get the highest fruit out of anything, your view is the most important thing you have to start with. Right? View. So a lot of how you made medicine out of the pain is because of your view on life, Right. What I see where many of us get stuck is that we are conditioned to believe two things. Number one, life is about getting what you want. And that has to do with your worthiness and your attractiveness and whether you're good enough. Right? And number two, for most of us, we were set up with a religious view that tells us that God wants you to have everything that you want. Right? And if you don't, then maybe you're doing something wrong or you are messing with Satan or Whatever, right? There's this kind of expectation that even if you don't entirely make that conscious, it's still like, well, if there's an all powerful omnipotent God out there somewhere, like, why wouldn't he give me everything, right? And it creates this brokenness when something really bad happens. I'm a victim because I did something terrible or because the universe did something terrible to me. The underlying darshana that I hear in you that you can trade out is that the universe wants my wisdom and my truth more than it wants to give me everything that I want. And I like to think of a really good mother, right? Because yes, the universe wants to fulfill your desires, and there's aspects of the Goddess that want to fulfill your desires, right? And if all you do as a mother is try to fulfill your child's desires, and you don't want your child to have grit and resiliency and wisdom and truth, right? To be able to stand with an erect spine and face the magic and mystery and power and heartbreak of everything, what kind of mother are you? Right? So when we trade out this very paternalistic idea of the universe or these stories that make us easily play victim to the universe, all of a sudden, as you were sharing in your wisdom tales, it's like you can meet the moment in a whole different way, right? This isn't. When people say, this isn't happening to me, it's happening for me. But if that's just a mental idea, right, you're bypassing where is the actual viewpoint of the universe wants me to be wise, the universe wants me to be in truth and the universe. Actually, I just had this vision. When you're talking about, this is like mapping my yoni. Like, if I'm a giant yoni, the universe is like, you know, where it hurts.

That's such facts.

You know, where your grandma's pain is.

Still living inside up her cervix. Yeah, let's hit that. Breaking in London.

I'm just getting pushed in there. And you got two choices. You could either be like, get out. Stop touching me. Oh, my God.

Press harder.

And I'm just gonna scream consciously and feel it all so that it can be wiped from my karmic record. So there's something really powerful about that. And you also reference the surrender experiment, right? This is a book by Michael Singer that really articulates what it is to surrender, which I'll give you the TLDR version of it. It's like, regardless of what my ego wants to happen, what is Life doing what is. But also, when you stop being so invested in your mind's idea of how everything should go and how everything should look, you can actually feel the energy of the universe and what life is doing, right? And as Michael Singer says in the book that, I think is one of the most beautiful things, he's like, why would you not partner with the level of genius that creates galaxies and rainforests and dolphins and rainbows, right? Like, and orgasms and poetry and heartbeats, like, so much, right? When you partner with that divine intelligence, you can go so much farther than what you do with your own mind. Because, like, the human mind is brilliant, but, like, you give me a million years on this earth, and I would never make a squirrel. I would never make a rainbow. No, I would never make a dolphin. I might find out how to orgasm, but, like, not if life hadn't given me all the hardware to, you know, like, it's just like, partner. That divine intelligence is so smart. And sometimes we can fight divine intelligence, right? For you. You were like, all right. Life said, my marriage is over. What now? Right? But so many of us can bang our heads for years being like, oh, but that thing. Oh, I lost that thing, or whatever. Rather than being like, where is life going? And how do I get on the ride and how do I claim the ride as my own? Rather than doing this subtle victimization to the universe, how do you stand up and meet it? Because in my experience, she wants two things from us. She wants us to learn to celebrate through all of it, and she wants us to know our own power. The truth of ourselves is God. And we do that by giving up the victim story and standing in ourselves. And I've just. As I've, like, watched your journey both in person and also how you show up on Instagram. Like, one of the reasons I'm just like, slow fucking, like, clap. I'm just like, yeah, I can feel that in you. I can feel a woman in surrender. And it can feel a woman who is meeting the mystery and the moment with so much wisdom that it is catapulting you far beyond anything you've ever known because you made medicine out of trauma.

Well, thank you so much for seeing that and witnessing that, both on and offline and for anyone that's in it. It's so painful. And I know, like, it wasn't even, like, my choice. It was almost like God was like, we're gonna put you into this unknown until you can become comfortable in it. It.

Yeah.

Because anytime I try to hold on to Another reality. Tried to sign a lease. Tried to like a guy enough to get into a relationship. Tried to. It was just like, nope, yeah, this isn't gonna work. And all of my deeper resistance would come when I would be fighting that. And I'm just like, okay. I thought I had my life planned. It's like, when you're married, you're just like, okay. Like, this is my life indefinitely. And I had a good life, you know? And then I'm just like. Like, wow. If something that I could feel so certain about can just be gone overnight. Like, how could I know anything about myself? My personality? Like, it was almost like I needed to become the opposite of who I was in every aspect to, like, find my equilibrium. Right? Like, before that, I was like, all about joy, you know? Like, I was writing a book about joy. And then it's like, no, you're gonna sit in the shadows, girl. We'll put you in timeout, you know? And it's like, because I couldn't. Like that Khalil Gabron poem of, you can't. No joy without grief.

Yeah.

And, you know, I needed to look at all, like, especially, you know, I worked with plant medicine, and that journey showed me anything I've ever in my life felt shame, discomfort, discuss anything about, like, right there. And it actually lasts in my system for, like, four days after. So every night when I would go to sleep, I would be back in the journey. We get darker and darker and darker. And, like, one night I was like, oh, I see how people could go crazy from this. When you're confronted with so much and you don't even know what's real, it's like, holy. Like, why. Like, why did I take. Why did I drink from this. This cup? You know? And then.

But then I call it eating the purple pills. And then you're like, can I throw them up? And the universe is like, nope, you took them.

The only way out is in. So then I was just like, sit. And then I would be like, why did I choose my dad to be my father if he was so emotionally unavailable and, like, set this up? And why was there all this trauma and, like, why was my grandma in a forced child marriage? That's really cucked. What about my grandpa? What was he thinking? And it showed me all of. Showed me how my childhood trauma of being this, like, different spiritual girl who just wanted to be understood but couldn't because my family came from Iran, and they just didn't understand American culture, let alone the. That I was on, you know? So it's like, of course I wasn't going to be understood. And I was like, why did I choose my dad? And it showed me him as a child of like, if I just become perfect, then my parents will love me, let me become the smartest student, the best at sports, the best this, the best that. But they couldn't really show up for him and love him the way that he needed to because they had their own conflict. Showed me my grandma's childhood. It had me watch her marriage of how she was playing outside with her sisters and her father was doing a business deal with this other man. And at the end of the business deal, said, which of my daughters would you like to marry? And he's like, I'll take this. This one. And he's like, oh, she's a little bit too young. And he was like, it's okay, I don't mind. And then her wedding of, like, crying and just begging her dad, like, please don't make me marry this stranger. And she would tell me this story, too, because she was actually alive till she was 94, and it was anyone she met, she would tell the story. It was like this really traumatic story that wanted to be healed. And then I was like, how? Like, how could. I never met my grandfather? So I was like, how could he do such a thing? But then it showed me his childhood of when he was a little boy and he was working the markets in Esfahan, Iran, and he came into the bazaar, into the stand where his parents worked one day, and his mom was about to die of an opium overdose. And his father was like, you need to work this stand to get enough money to get medicine or your mom's gonna die. So he started working, working, working. He was really smart and ambitious, and then he started taking over the neighbor stands and then the whole market and became this really successful businessman. But there was this underlying story of, if I'm not always working, the people that I love will die. So, like, it made me see their marriage in a different perspective, of he was out always working because he wanted to be the best father and husband he could be. In how he was conditioned to do that. She just wanted to be loved, but he couldn't be there for her because he was out trying to be the best husband. And back in then and Iran, everyone was in a forced child marriage. It was just the norm. And he actually never laid a finger on her, never forced her to do anything. In fact, she wanted, like, more of him, but he couldn't be there. And, like, sometimes our traumas are the stories we tell ourselves around it. And it allowed me to even see what happened there with so much more compassion of like, he was just trying to be a man and the way he was taught to be a man and she was trying to be a woman in the way that she was taught to be a woman. And it was like what we're talking about with sex, this is happening collectively in relationships even till today. But, you know, it's like they're just not meeting each other. And then he was just working, working until he started getting strokes and died when he was 42 years old. And then he passed away really young. So of course my dad didn't have a dad. And then, so my dad didn't know how to be a dad to me. And it's like it's all connected.

Yeah.

And I could see it so clearly. And then I was like, so still. Why did I. I could have just chosen the hippie parents. Why this? But then it showed me. You wanted to be a spiritual. Spiritual teacher. Yeah. And your dad having these more narcissistic traits taught you empathy, taught you how to read the footsteps and the way that someone puts down a cup and the tone of the conversation and pick up on things really quickly. But also his ambition is what allowed you to write books and show up for, you know, my three podcasts a day and continue going. And you wouldn't be you without all of it and without my mother's, you know, very free spirited nature and just trying different things and going outside the box. And all of the traumas couldn't exist without the gifts and vice versa. And then all of a sudden it showed me like, pride rock. And I was like, Simba. And all my ancestors were around the rock and they're like singing and they're like, and it's all perfect. And then the journey was over. And then I was like, fuck it. I'm going to Afro Nation Portugal and living my best life. This is why we do plant medicine. And it was like, you're good, honey. Because healing can be very addictive of like, I was like, okay, I'm going in, I'm going in. Whether it's somatics, Watsu emdr. Like, let's like, I'm ground zero of this work right now. And. And then it's like sometimes you look at a situation left, right, upside down, sideways in the middle. I could see all of it at this point. And it's like sometimes the hardest part of a healing journey is just to let it go.

Yeah.

And Just to accept that this happened. And whether it's fair or just or not, a lot of things. Most things on Earth aren't.

Yeah.

You know, but it happened. And here I am, and look who I've become as a result of it.

I peered down. I was like, pedophile for a father. You know, I was like, well, that's.

Confronting, because you were meant to teach the world sexuality.

Yeah, there was. I actually saw through a couple of lifetimes, and it was like. What I really saw was, like, I had achieved this level of spiritual mastery, and I made a very intentional choice to walk the path of wretched unworthiness and violence on this planet so I could map and understand the path all the way to unworthiness and then all the way back.

Oh, chills. It's. It's the mapping again of, like, you wouldn't know the pathway to bliss had you not faced the deepest grievances of our society.

No, no. And then we can be grateful even for hell. Yeah.

Hell is where it's all forged.

All right, tell us about your music. Tell us where we can find it, how we can support it, and then any other way that we can work with you.

Yeah. So this past year, it was hard for me to even read a book, to listen to a podcast, except yours. But you have seasons.

Like, why are you doing it all the time?

But I would just sit and listen to music and listen to music, and it was like. It was just healing me on this really deep, somatic level. And I was like, I hope to one day to be able to provide that for someone. And so this summer just. I started, like, channeling, like, baselines and melodies and top lines, and I started putting out music. So my first single, trust Flows, Surrender, let go, is the mantra I would tell myself again and again this year. Trust, flow, surrender, let go Trust, flow, surrender, let go I'm the one I've been waiting for. And then I produced another song, Persian Afrobeats, another song called Be the Vibe. And now my album, My Body is an Altar, comes out on March 8, Woman's Day. And it really shares my story in different ways. And really, it's just, like, a testament to just the empowerment through pleasure that we can experience, especially as women. And, you know, one of the first realizations I had after, you know, after finding out about the betrayal was, I am a sacred site and will only be treated as such. And I got these hieroglyphic tattoos on my spine. And so the main single, my body is in altars, remembering myself as sacred like taking that time with myself, showing myself reverence, only allowing people into my life, that, that, that can hold the same standard of how I approach myself to me as well. And also. And honoring people back like that too. And it has just shifted my entire way of being and has allowed me also to just experience so much more like, like deep, like radical, like wild woman joy, like full levels. I have this song called shake your ass for your ancestors. So it's all like spiritual music. Another one's called getting high with my highest self. So I love mixing afrobeats, reggaeton, Brazilian funk, all these different genres with middle Eastern and like, lyrics. You feel really good about getting stuck in your head because sometimes I would like listen to that ass space. But then I'm like, what is it saying on here? Like, that's not really what I want in my subconscious programming.

So feel that way about a lot of 90s hip hop.

I'm like, I love it so much. Exactly. Change the words.

So.

So yeah, all of the music is stuff that you're just like, ooh, this is like an affirmation. But it's like really sexy. And it's like music. You can self pleasure yourself too. You can dance in the mirror too. It's just a vibe. Yeah.

And they can find some of your singles already on Spotify.

Singles are on Spotify. On Apple Music, if you look up Sahara Rose, I have DJ sets out as well. And then the album will be out on Spotify and Apple.

Beautiful. And if people want to work with you as a teacher.

Yeah. So highest self institute is where I have, especially around this, an embodiment certification, which is a training around releasing, you know, through movement and dance traumas within our bodies. And then my podcast, high self podcast, which your episode, girl, I like have re listened to that five times. We were like on another planet in that. You were so amazing and just, you know, I feel like you're just like. Especially in, like relationships, you're like. Because I think you and Andrew broke up maybe a year before my divorce. So witnessing you, it's like a shining light for me of you're in this beautiful partnership and you're like, you know, you, you went through a lot of the stages that I feel like I'm in right now, and that's why you can see me so clearly of like, Yep, I remember that and I remember the this and that.

So it's, you know, it's wild. The universe forced me into celibacy. I didn't make a conscious choice. I didn't either girl. And then I was like trying to have sex with people and I was like, so awkward. I literally even remember that NBA player I showed you. You were like, you should totally do this because if I was single, like, you were still married. You were like, that's like one thing I wish I had done.

So funny.

I literally. He like came over and I. He was like, I'm so horny. I'm so turned on. I want you so bad. And like, I started like taking off his shirt and he just was like, I can't do this.

Like, he literally like, was just like a player too.

And he was like, I'm so sorry. I just, I. I've never been so torn in my life, but I just. I can't do this. But like, that happened like a couple of times. It was so like, mind blowing and it almost be like I would try and I knew that like, actually I needed to be with myself, but I was just like, not doing the surrender experiment. I was like, actually, fuck it. I'm gonna try and force this.

And that's how we know our spirit guides are protecting us. Because it's like, I would have definitely, like certain people, I would have definitely been down, but it was. They weren't available for whatever reason. So it was like I was cosmically blocked. And I'm so grateful for it now. And I love what you said around the yoni wants to heal. And if it's not for with ourselves, it will be through sex with someone else. And then it's like, so then you would have entered into a relationship with someone and like a lot of the muck would I hear of like, my friends who they get divorced, they go straight into someone else and it's like, the sex is not good.

Yeah.

You know, it's like a lot of grief, a lot of clearing. And then you're just kind of bringing that energy into the next relationship. And it's like, that's why rebounds just don't work for long term. And I'm so grateful that I didn't have to like, you know, go through it with then dealing with someone else's emotions and how they feel, that I could just really be basking in my own aura and my own energy and everything I knew that I was transmuting was mine.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah, totally. And like, I would only have had sex with conscious people that I felt were going to honor my body. But it was just like, like the universe was like, I want you to know your own worthiness and your own beauty more Than I want you to get laid right now. And I was like. And then I was like, sky Daddy. I get it, I get it. Sky Daddy. Dumb me more.

God is my dom, baby. And sometimes God gives me a celibacy vow.

I like have this description of like earth mommy. Like it was like a steel toed boot stiletto. And she's just like got me down like with the stiletto. And I'm like, ah. And I'm like, okay, fine.

Hurts so good.

Turning into your cosmic kitten. Yes, mommy. Thank you so much. It's been such a joy, such a pleasure to have you. I love you so deeply.

Love you so much. Thank you for being like a shining light. You've been doing this work for so long and have been a trailblazer for so many people. I have so many friends personally who've, you know, our friends even who've sat with you as a teacher. I'm so excited to, in, in, in divine timing. And just like you're just such a testament to. We can overcome anything, you know. And I, and I feel our generation, our time period, the greatest traumas are through sexuality and now being out into dating world. I'm like, oh, wow. Everyone has really deep sexual trauma that we're not looking because it's like, it's the scariest thing to look at. So I know your soul chose to walk your path because you are a living testament to like just seeing your grace, your embodiment, your sex. Like the way that like even in front of the rainbow, you were just like. And you're like licking that rainbow up like a little rainbow soft serve. I was just like, yes, girl. And like just owning it.

We gotta insert the picture of that right here. So. Because people know what's happening.

You know, it's like even like when I would see you when you were going through the breakup with Andrew, I remember seeing you in Miami once and you were just like, Mickey and Rada were there, we were all hanging. You were just like, I'm just gonna be in my own energy. And you were just like eyes closed, just like feeling yourself. Do you remember that on Joya Beach?

Yes.

And I just love. It's just like you, you're not afraid of setting boundaries. You're not afraid of just like, this is what I need. You're. And then. But you're also not afraid of opening your heart and moving to the other side of the world. You know, it's like full spectrum. And I also feel that like sometimes we feel. Oh, if I'm like, you know, sexually open. That means, like, true love isn't for me, you know, And I love how you're also such a stand for true love. And, like, you know, and that is a whole other journey in itself. I will ask you for advice when that time comes. And. But again, it's the. The thing we want the most in life, and it's the most confronting thing as well. So thank you for being just such a stand for the full spectrum. Rising of the feminine. And I'm so grateful to walk this path with you. Nip is hard. Yes.

Thank you. That was magnificent.

Trust your intuition? Trust your inner wisdom? Trust your inner guidance? Close your eyes and listen? So trust your intuition? Trust your inner wisdom? Trust your inner guidance?