574: How To Have Mind-Blowing Energy Orgasms (Even Solo!) with Stephanie Jaie

Can you share what is an energy orgasm and how can we have one?

So an energy orgasm is literally when.

You say this spontaneously happens during sex, what does that look like?

Waves and waves of like never ending bliss. It was like someone had opened Pandora's box and then it just like stayed open.

An international speaker and bestselling author Stephanie J. Transformed her disconnection from her sensuality and relationship trauma into a mission to bring more intimacy, sensuality and love into the world. She believes that pleasure is your power and the key to a life of ecstasy.

And just like anything else that we learn how to do in our human body, it actually requires practice. So the very first thing you're going to do is let.

Go. Trust flow soon to let go Trust flow soon to let go. I'm the one I've been waiting for. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. I'm so excited you're here. My name is Sahara Rose. On this podcast I love to take spiritual concepts and make them really grounded, fun, modern and relatable. If there's two things things I'm super into, it's love and sexuality. Because I feel like that's really what the human experience is about. It's actually our built in psychedelic experience. Like when you like someone, you have the butterflies, you have a crush on them, chemistry like oh and oh my God, the endorphins and the oxytocin through sexuality, self pleasure. I mean how are we even living and doing anything besides these two things? Like this needs to be at the altar of our lives. But for some reason we have become so busy doing God knows what and it's like we're so obsessed with sex as a society, but we're like not actually really like having sex or enjoying our own bodies. It's like this weird like voyeuristic like watching people on TV or whatever, Instagram funnels and. But we're not actually like in that erotic energy that is so deeply healing and restorative. And I truly believe that central energy is the most healing energy out there. It is single handedly how I healed myself through my greatest heartbreak. And, and I'm not saying through sexuality with other people, through, through myself, through self touch. And it doesn't even need to be like sexual, but even sensual. Sensual just being like touching myself the way that I would a lover, like caressing my skin and really getting to know the neural pathways of my body of what feels good. And when we can do this, we can become self sourced so then we don't need to look outside of ourselves. Of, oh my God, I lost this relationship. So I lost my source of pleasure or I'm not in a relationship, so I need to go find where I'm gonna go, hit up my sneaky link or situationship or my ex or whatever the thing is, because I need pleasure. But rather you're like, oh, shit. Like, the way that I can pleasure myself, like, no one can compare because you're in your own body and you're having that experience and it takes you to God. Like, literally. Sexuality and spirituality were never meant to be disconnected. If you go back to all ancient texts, Tantric texts, Taoist text, if you look at what. So even Sufi, it's about having a romantic relationship with God. And in my moments of like, deep orgasmic surrender, that is when I have, like, known like, the truth of who I am, which the truth of who I am is an orgasm, and so are you. We are orgasms in human form. We are energy in motion. We are creation. We literally come from an orgasm. When we die, I believe we probably turn back into one. And here we are forgetting we, you know, becoming so obsessed with this thing, but not actually knowing that it already lives inside of ourselves. So I love having these conversations. It's like my favorite thing on planet Earth. And I was super excited because one of my visionary mastermind students, Stephanie J. Is a master of this. She is an erotic alchemist and she helps people transform their relationships with their sexuality in this really just grounded and approachable way. Like, every time I talk to her, I'm like, ooh, what do you think of this? And what do you think of that? And I just know you're gonna love her energy. It's really free of any judgment or shame, which I feel like a lot of us have around sexuality, especially if we grew up in religious or strict households where it was like, sex is evil. Oh my God, you're touching yourself. Like, don't do that. Shame, shame, shame. And so then we're like, curious about this thing, but then simultaneously, even in our own self pleasure holding that, that shame. So we're going to be speaking about sensuality, sexuality, self pleasure, but also some common pitfalls that we see in. In partners having sex and sometimes it being diffic, communicate what you desire and feeling like you don't want to be bossy or get them in their head. So how we can, like in a seductive and re and positively reinforcing way, ask for what we want so we can both parties have better sex. And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format, so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube or the Apple Store. This is the best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibing with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one. So I'm, I'm really excited. I'm getting turned on listening to this. So for the further ado, let's welcome Stephanie to the Highest Soul podcast. Welcome.

Thank you so much that I really honored to hear all of that preamble. That is amazing. There were so many things where I was like, yes, that, yes, that, yes that, like bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. So yeah, I'm really, really excited to be here.

Well, you're so freaking amazing the moment you joined the master. I'm like, who's this girl? We need to be friends obsessed. So the first question I'd love to ask you is what makes you your highest self?

Following my pleasure, which has been like a massive, massive journey for me as somebody that started off as a youth and as a honestly a young child, highly sexually active, like very, very curious about sex from a very young age, which is sometimes hard for people to say, but really is my truth. Like I remember being very curious about what this, about sex and about pleasure. Like, you know, some of my earliest memories, you know, I'm five, six years old and I have these memories and then I went through this journey of, you know, corporate masculine socialization where I was really a tomboy. I was told that being in your masculine was safe, it was survival based. And I pushed all of that pleasure lifestyle away for a very long part of my life. And slowly through my Saturn return and the chaos that tends to come from that, I came back to it and I was like, you know, there's this thing that just keeps, I keep getting pulled to it in a variety of different ways. You know some of my story around that, which I'm happy to go into if you want. And it just, it kept coming back into my life over and over again. Follow your pleasure. Follow your pleasure. And so the last, you know, nine, ten years of my life has been around, how do I just sink more into my pleasure and how do I find and follow my pleasure which is not the same thing as following your bliss. But it is what brings you into your highest self, because your pleasure is what's going to guide you into the potentially deepest and darkest sides of yourself. Because that's where your pleasure wants to move. That's where the sexual energy wants to release you so that you can become truly your highest self.

So I want to start with energy orgasms because you're sharing your techniques to our mastermind students. And, and I think that's a really powerful place to start because so often with sexuality, we're like, okay, what kind of vibrator do you use? What sex positions? And it's like, oh, you don't actually need to touch yourself at all to have orgasms. So can you share what is an energy orgasm? And how can we have one?

Yeah, absolutely. So an energy orgasm is literally when energy is moving up the back of your spine in such a. An intense way that it ripples through your entire body. Some people will liken this to Kundalini. I do not like to use that word personally because that is a very specific, like, spiritual experience. And I don't want to dishonor that spiritual experience by saying, like, every time energy moves through your body, it's Kundalini, because that is not accurate. And it's very important to me to be very aware of and sensitive to when we're working with spiritual technology that comes from a specific lineage, which is not what I'm teaching here. So this, the way that I'm describing it is a little bit more scientific and a little bit more grounded in the sense that this is energy literally starting at the base of your root chakra, the base of your spine, and moving up your spine and actually hitting your pineal gland. We know scientifically that your pineal gland is where your DMT comes from. This is where hallucinogenic experiences come from. This is where dreams come from. So when you're having this energy, like, ricochet up your spine and then vibrate through your entire body, you have this experience of energy moving through your entire body. You also will tend to have hallucinogenic experiences. So one of the things that I tell a lot of people in my space is you can learn to have these orgasms that last 20, 30 minutes long, where you're literally having these, like, transcendental, very mystical experiences. You can touch the face of God, source, universe, whatever word you want to use while you're in the state, because it is truly an open, energetic field where you're having a hallucinogenic, in some cases a hallucinogenic experience is very, very powerful and really, truly physically healing as well. So it's a really beautiful practice. And it doesn't need to be something that is considered hard to achieve. It's actually very easy. And just like anything else that we learn how to do in our human, it actually requires practice. Your body doesn't know how to, like, lift weights or how to walk normally. Teaching it how to have an energy orgasm is something that you need to show the muscles. Oh, this is what you do. So there's a practice that you can do. It's a very energizing practice, understandably. So I recommend not doing it right before bed. This is not a bedtime routine, but the practice that you would do at the beginning of the day. I like to do it first thing in the morning is the first thing that you're going to do. And I'll walk you guys through it. So the very first thing you're going to do is let all of the air out of your body. So you're going to do a deep breath completely out and really empty the cavity right here. This is really important. Your lungs have to be completely empty. When you're completely empty, you're going to hold it empty and you're going to tighten all of your muscles. You should really feel your belly, like, suck in completely and totally and feel your pelvic floor contract up, up. From here, you're going to breathe in as if you're breathing in through a straw. So you're not releasing the muscles. You're holding them nice and tight, and it's like you're breathing air up the back of your spine as if you were breathing it in through a straw. So you're going to eventually get full of air and you're going to feel full a lot sooner than you would normally feel because all of your muscles are tight. So it's not going to take very much air. Once you're full, you're going to hold it full and you're going to flex your PC muscles, your pelvic floor, or your Kegel muscles. And you're just going to flex that as many times as you can. And what you'll notice while holding your breath, eventually you're going to have to release your breath. So do a deep breath out, let your nervous system relax a little bit, and then you can do it again. And what you'll notice is you'll start to feel pressure in the back of your head when you're doing this. And that's because you're actually moving your cerebral spinal fluid through your body. And you're showing your body how to have these contractions and how to move the cerebral spinal fluid through your body. The cool thing about this is if you do this consistently every single day or every couple of days, five minutes a day, like, you really only need to do it two or three times. At some point when you're in a sexual union environment, you are going to naturally do it. You won't have to think about it. You can't go into it saying, okay, today's the day I'm going to have an energy orgasm. Like, you'll really freak yourself out. What you need to do is just surrender to the moment and at some point your body will naturally just do it. And then you'll be like, oh my God, that was amazing. And it will become more and more frequent the more that you practice.

So do you need to be doing it when you're turned on to have that orgasmic energy?

No. No, because you're literally, it's like doing dry runs, right? So what you're just teaching the body is like how to do the pelvic muscle, how to do the contraction, and how to basically move that energy up the back of your spine. Because it's not a natural thing that humans do on a regular day to day basis. We're not walking around thinking about the flow of our cerebral spinal flu, right? Just like we're not thinking about breathing or like our heartbeat or digestion. So showing the body, hey, this is a thing that I want you to do. When you do it over and over in the morning, not even turned on, it's just going to naturally do it because something like clicks in your brain and in your body and it's like, oh, now's the time. And it will just happen just like that. For some people, it happens really quickly. They can, you know, within a month they'll start having this experience. To be honest, for me, it took about three months of pretty consistent practice before it just happened on its own. And now it's a pretty pervasive experience for me.

What kind of intuition do you have? I ask this because I realized through having this podcast that everyone's intuition speaks to them differently. Some of us just know things. Like, you know, you're talking to someone, you just know something about them. It makes no sense and you just say it. They're like, how'd you know that? You're like, I don't know. That's the Claire cognizant. Some of us, we're, we're visual people we see dreams, we have an image in our mind. We do visualizations. It really comes to us maybe in, in an art form. That's the clairvoyant. Some of us are feelers. We're talking to someone and we feel this like ache or pit in our stomach or maybe a clenching in our shoulders. And we can just feel something is off in our bodies. That's the clairsentient. And some of us hear things. We hear a voice in our head saying, go do something or say something or make something known. That is a clairaudient. So if you're wondering what your type of intuition is, I have created a free quiz where you can can figure it out and learn how you can create a career really honoring this unique type of intuition. Because the truth is, your intuition is a gift. It's not here to make you crazy, but rather it is something that you are here to share and experience with other people and it's your superpower. So head over to the link in my show notes to discover what your type of intuition is and how to make it part of your career. Okay, be honest. Is there a spicy or romantic scene in a movie, show or book that you return to time and time again? For me, it's obviously the dirty dancing Havana night scene when they're just salsa dancing and sweating the night away until they have a passionate kiss. I mean, that is until I found Dipsea. So if you're looking for a little more spice in your life, Dipsea is the female founded app with spicy audio stories designed by women for women. Whether you're into sexy Latino salsa dancers, fey royalty, or the God of the underworld, you'll find characters you love on Dipsea. I swear, it makes grocery shopping way more interesting. You can explore your favorite romantic genres like contemporary historical, dark sports, western romance, and so much more. So for listeners of the show, Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial. When you go to dipseastories.com Sahara that's 30 days of full access for free. When you go to D I P s e a stories.com Sahara you can find that link in the show notes. So just to be clear, we're taking a deep breath in, we're bringing the energy up to our pineal gland.

Yep. And then so you're visualizing it coming up to the pineal gland and then you're doing the pulsing.

Okay. And when you bring up to your pineal gland, should you like contract and hold or you just.

You're holding.

Okay.

Yeah. So you're holding. Holding your Breath in. And you're pulsing your pelvic floor at the same time.

Okay. So as you're inhaling, you're pulsing, or the pulse happens after you've inhaled it all the way to the top.

Right.

So everything's nice. You've breathed all your air out. Everything's nice and tight. So all yours out. And then you're going to tighten here, tighten all of these. Looks like you can kind of feel like you're tightening on the inside. And then you're going to breathe in up to the top and it's not going to take much breath. And then you're going to hold at the top and then you're going to pulse, pulse. And while you're holding your breath. And you'll probably be able to pulse maybe five or six times at first.

Yeah, it's hard.

Yeah.

So, okay, is your pineal gland your third eye or the back of your head?

Both.

Great question. Okay, so your pineal gland is physically located at the base of your skull at the back here. But we, in spiritual texts, we see it as being the third eye.

Because I always get confused, what should I be? Because Joe Dispenza always like back of the head. But yogic practices are always third eye. I'm used to third eye.

Right.

So whatever feels good to you. Like when Joe Dispenza's teaching this, he's teaching, teaching it as the purely scientific. Like, you just want to focus on the pineal gland. I feel that whatever feels most aligned for you. So if you're a very scientific person and you want to be in the science, like that's going to get you there. I personally, I focus on it coming up here because to me, that is where that connection exists. And it's. You're not going to break anything. It's not like your cerebral spinal fluid is going to leave where it's encasing and go to the wrong part of your brain.

Right.

That's not possible.

So, okay, so tell me, you say this spontaneously happens during sex. Then what does that look like?

So literally, I'll give you my personal example. I was with a female lover at the time and we were getting very hot and heavy, very close to orgasm. We've been at it for a while at this point. So for me in this journey, it took like a couple of hours for me to get to this point. And my body really needed to be very relaxed and very surrendered for it to happen, which I believe is one of the reasons why it happened at this time is because previous to This. I had been rushing my sexual experiences a little bit with other partners. So with this partner, we had a couple hours. We were really in it, and at some point, all of a sudden, you know, when you just. All of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm close to. Or I'm gonna come. Like, I'm close to orgasming. It was that feeling. But instead of it being a normal orgasm, my body just started doing the tension. So that. That tensing feeling that you feel in the back that when you're kind of going in nice and tight, I started to feel that happening, and it became very familiar because I'd done it enough times that I knew what that was. I didn't tell my body to do that. I was like, you know, in my experience, I was in my sexual experience, and all of a sudden, I could just feel the muscles starting to tighten, and I could feel the energy getting pulled up in the back of my spine. And it took me a second to be like, hey, what. What is my body doing right now? Like, what is this? And I actually almost stopped it, because I didn't. It took me a second for it to click to see what was happening. And then I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. This is very good. Let's. Let's surrender to this. And always. I mean, so much of sex is about surrender, so let's surrender into this. And then it just shot straight up, and I was like, on another planet for a good 30 minutes to the point where my partner actually stopped and was like, are you okay? Oh, yeah. I was, like, gone.

Wow.

So you were having an orgasm for 30 minutes?

Yeah, my body was in full. Like, she was scared because I was in, like, full vibration. She'd never experienced that before. And she was tantrically trained and, like, very, you know, very familiar with energetic practices, which I think is another part of the reason why it was so easy with her. But, yeah, she was. She stopped and she was like, are you okay? Like, what's going on? And I'm trying to communicate to her, like, yes, I'm fine. Please don't freak out. Please don't stop me. Like, I'm just want to, like, move through this. But, yeah, my body was doing the very traditional, you know, like, serpentine, serpentine movement. She has informed me that there was, like, weird noises coming out of my mouth. I do not recall that, but apparently I was making very strange noises, and there was a lot of visuals for me. I wasn't having, like, a full conversation, transcendental experience, but I Was having like a very strong visual experience and the body was just like waves and waves of like never ending bliss. It was like someone had opened Pandora's box and then it just like stayed open, which was really beautiful and also exhausting. I needed a really good like calm down session after that.

Damn. Well, if that doesn't make you want to sign up for something, I don't know what will.

Yeah, fantastic.

Okay, I'm going to take this practice where seriously.

No.

Okay. I feel what happens for a lot of people when they're orgasming. They hold their breath.

Yeah.

You know, you hold your breath and I've tried like becoming aware of that and like, okay, exhale. But then you kind of like don't have an orgasm, you know? So do you do this every time or do you just sometimes let yourself just have like a peak orgasm?

Yeah, I don't force anything. I don't force anything with sexuality ever. Like, your sexual energy should always be the guide. So whether that means your body and your energy and your pleasure is guiding you into sensuality, softness. I love how you made that delineation earlier. Or if it's like, hey, I want to be like dominated, I want to be rough. I want to have this kind of orgasm. Like your body knows and so your head needs to be completely out of the game. Like, there's no room for me to be in here analyzing, like, okay, I'm going to touch this thing, then I'm going to touch that thing, Then I'm going to do this and push this button. And like, no, we're not playing a video game. We're in an embodied experience. So I don't ever go in with the intention of I want this experience or that experience. I go in with this open. Like, let's just see how this dance evolves, Whether it's with myself or with a partner. And so when it comes to orgasms, I don't say, hey, I want to have an energy orgasm. I keep up with my practices and when it happens, which is fairly frequently these days, but it doesn't happen every single time. And it's not like afterwards, I'm like, oh, fuck. Well, that was a whole failure of a session because I didn't have an energy orgasm. Like, the whole journey is beauty. The whole journey is this dance. And it truly is the journey and not the destination. And I think that's one of the challenges with regular sexual teaching right now. So everyone's so focused on orgasm that you're not giving yourself even the space to build up to a beautiful opportunity. Like the whole dance is part of the journey and is really where the beauty is.

So let's talk about that dance because I think it's so undervalued. And we were just talking about, yeah like our society and, and a lot of men especially think it's like oh my God, like let me get in there harder, faster, quicker and like it's not what a lot of women want. And you were saying how you now being in a same sex relationship, it's so different because it's like two women can understand each other in the office and body. So how can we get ourselves to this like super drippy turned on state where not just energy orgasms but like true tantric connection is possible.

So I mean there's a few things there. True tantric connection really requires both people to be open to energy. So I'll leave that one aside for now. But as far as like how do we make that journey a priority? The first thing, and we were talking about this earlier that I always love to ask is like where, where does sex begin for you?

Right.

At what point are we in a bit of a sexual encounter? And for a lot of people, if we're dealing with a heterosexual couple, that is when, you know, either there's fingers in vagina or there's penis in vagina, that's when it counts as sex. And everything before that is just like flirty or maybe foreplay. And what I want people to, I want to invite people to consider is that from the moment somebody like comes over and you're flirting with them, that gets to be the beginning of the arousal, that gets to be the beginning of the sexual experience.

Right.

We don't need to hold off on our arousal until we're like hot and heavy in the bedroom. And for especially like vulva owners, there is a long warmup period that's required. And you know, a lot of the standard science says, you know, 20, 30 minutes, I would argue to say really truly is ours. There's a lot of variables that a Volvo owner needs. They need to feel safe, they need to feel protected, they need to feel secure, not just with this person, but in their lives. There's so much additional data that is required for you to really get to that super wet, super juicy like turned on state. And yes, as within, so without, so you can manage that all internally. Most of us don't have the practices to know how to do that. So for most of us, our environment is dictating how we feel inside. So making sure that from the moment that person, if you're going on a date, the moment that person gets to you, they're already in the state of, like, let's make sure you're feeling safe. Let's make sure you're feeling flirty, right? Let's brush our arm along our hand along your arm. Let's all. You know, if it's important to you, I'll take the dinner or I'll drive you, like, whatever the things are that are going to make you feel like you're already in an arousal state from the very beginning, right? And then allowing yourself to build that and get more flirty as you go through your journey, allowing yourself to really invite that from them, from the man. Assuming we're in a heterosexual relationship here, what I see a lot of women fearing is really being in their seductress. And they think that, you know, the divine feminine, I want to just receive. And they don't realize that there's a dark feminine side as well, which is the seductress, right? The one that is willing to kind of coo that energy out of them a little bit. And they're ashamed, or they think they might be slutty. But this is how you get your arousal turned on is by being willing to be out for dinner and be overtly sexual with them in a way that feels good for you so that you're starting to get turned on even before you get to the bedroom. That's really step number one.

Okay, so let's talk about these. How do the light and dark feminine and light and dark masculine show up in all of our lives and sexuality?

So I love this topic so much. It comes up in all my conversations with my friends, and especially because in the spiritual communities especially, I see a lot of conversation around polarity, masculine and feminine. What it means to be embodied in your feminine. What it means to be embodied in your masculine. And it's really interesting for me to witness, and actually, honestly, a little bit frustrating for me, because what I see them saying is, if you have a vulva, this is what your embodied feminine should look like. And this is where it's safe for you to be. If you're spiritual, this is what you should look like. And if you're out on a date, you should be in this receptive state. And there's a lot of shoulds there, which I don't love. And then on the other side, in a lot of the men's professional development spaces, I see a lot of, like, alpha male programming happening, right? Like, you're you're only a strong man if you're in your masculine and you're taking charge and you're in your dominant and you're making decisions. And both of those are accurate, but they're only two of four poles, and they're not available to you just based on your literal, physical, sexual makeup. So in Tantra, we teach that there's a masculine, feminine dynamic. There's also a light and a dark dynamic. And this does not mean good or bad. It just means light and dark. That gives you four quadrants. So you have light feminine, light masculine, dark feminine, and dark masculine. If you were looking at it on a grid, right? All of these can have, you know, good and, like, exalted and shadow states, right? So you can be in your light feminine and be a manipulative, whiny bitch as an example, right? So you can still have. Have a negative aspect to that. So this isn't saying any one of those quadrants is better or worse than the other. When we're thinking of the quadrants, what we're seeing in traditional polarity conversations is that if you have a penis, you're in your dark masculine. So that's like your warrior, your executor. And if you have a vulva, then you're in your light feminine, which is your receiver, right? Your nurturer. And that. That's a great polarity beat to be in. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just that it's only one option, and there's so many other options available. The dark feminine is that seductress, that creatrix. So anytime you're creating something, whether that's a podcast or some music or a project at work, or you're painting a wall in a house you're in, or birthing a baby, right? Like, that's a creatrix. That's your dark feminine seductress energy. And then the polarity of that is the light masculine, which is the archetype of. Of organization, planning, structure, kind of like a kingly style energy. And that energy, I mean, I think pretty much everybody is in at least a little bit in today's modern society. We're doing some level of planning at some point in our lives. So regardless of what body parts you came here with, you have access to all four energies. All of us have the capacity to go into our dark masculine. I mean, I spent all of my corporate years deeply in my dark masculine, and just like, execute, execute. Go, go, go. Like, you know, when you were building your business, I'M sure you spent a time there. And even now in certain stages when you're running it, I'm sure there's, like, days where you're really in that energy, but we don't want to stay there. That's 25% of our availability. So there's also your light feminine. When you're nurturing a friend, caring for a friend, you know, decorating your house, baking cookies. Like, I'll be super stereotypical here. Men and women, any gender, any, you know, orientation can have access to that same thing with your dark feminine and your light masculine. So we have access to all four of these. And that's in life. That gives you a very balanced life so that you're not always in CEO executive driver mode or you're not always in. I'm just flowy and receptive, and whatever lands in my lap is perfect, which we do see in the spiritual communities a lot. That's also not serving you because you're missing the inspired action piece.

Right.

And the planning piece and the creation piece. So we're really meant to be this beautiful fusion of all four as individuals. When we come into a bedroom, then that gets to be this really cool, dynamic dance between two people or however many people are involved where you get to dance within those polarities with each other. So I really like to think of it as a dance. You know, you might have one person that tends in the bedroom more towards dark masculine and one that tends more towards light feminine. But if you would like to, let's say, correct a behavior, if your dark masculine man, let's say, is going too fast or is moving in a way that you don't enjoy.

Right.

Which is very typical. Typical again, then your light feminine receptive isn't really going to be able to do much about that.

Right.

Because she's just in receiver. And what happens is then that gets pushed into shadow and then you get resentful and you can't have proper sex or any. Any nourishing sex if you've got resentment in your heart. So the invitation there is for you to switch into your dark feminine, the seductress that allows you to playfully, like, manipulate the situation so that it is in your favor so that your arousal can be continued. So that might be a change of position. That might be an, oh, just one moment. I want to, like, go get an ice cube to, like, draw it down your back in, like, the middle of sex. That might be extra loud moaning when they do something. Right, right. All of that is your seductress Energy that's helping them understand how to play your instrument in the most appropriate way, because nobody's an expert at that. Every human is different. And you do need to be willing to give them that feedback so that they understand how to make you happy. So at the end of the day, everyone wants their partner to be happy, but they don't. You don't get a guidebook necessarily.

Right.

And if you're just staying in the and I see this so much in married couples, honestly, where the woman usually stays in, like, a very receptive, like, light, feminine energy, and then their needs just don't get met year after year after year to the point where they lose their sexual chemistry. And the husband is mad because he's not getting enough sex and the wife is mad because she feels like that's all he wants from her. And all of this is just like, hey, if you had just been like a little bit more prescriptive about what you wanted early on, all of this, you know, a divorce could have been avoided in some cases, right? It would have been so simple. And now we've got a lot of rework and trust and resentment that we've got to go through. So the more we as women or and that's one polarity can realize, like, we get to be in that seductress, and being in that seductress is going to allow us to shift the conversation, the more that we're going to have more fulfilling sex lives, which is also our responsibility.

Right?

It's not another person's job to give us pleasure. It's our job to create the environment and the dance.

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Yeah.

So I'm curious. I'm going to do some real life situations and you're going to tell me, from using the dark feminine seductive energy, how can we like him towards what we want? Okay, so let's say your partner is, yeah, he's just going to like, the foreplay for him is like, maybe he's like a little bit on your boobs and then he's like, straight for the yoni. And you want a massage. You want your whole body to be touched. And he's not doing that. How can the dark feminine communicate this?

So, I mean, you mentioned massage already. Like, a really great invitation is, hey, I picked up some sensual oils tonight. I would love for us to have a massage and giving him a little bit of direction around, hey, I want this to, you know, last a certain amount of time. Or I want to make sure you get all body parts. Or, like, let's make this fun. Nobody, regardless of their gender, wants to be bossed around in the bedroom unless we're in, like, a true, like, BDSM sub relationship. Right? That's different. But if we're dealing with, like, regular lovers that are in a regular dynamic or a more standard dynamic, then the challenge is like, I don't want to be criticized in the middle of sex. Like, I would hate to be told, hey, actually, like, that hurt, right? Or don't do that, or like, that sucks. Why are you doing that? That would for sure get me in my head. And I think that's the same for everybody. So finding ways to make it fun and especially like, yeah, invitation. Let's have a massage right at the very beginning that will set you off to a really good standard. And then positive reinforcement when you have that massage. So when he's, you know, rubbing certain body parts that, you know, where you're like, like, these are my foreplay body parts. Lots of moans, lots of positive reinforcement. Whenever we're looking to create behavior with people, we want positive reinforcement in the moment and negative feedback outside. Outside of the bedroom. Later on in a different conversation. The positive Reinforcement in the moment is going to help them just like, oh, okay, cool.

So that's a good point for people. Positive reinforcement during the sexual encounter, negative after. So don't. During. And I think a lot of us, we. We. We do it during because that's when it's there that we're like, okay, let me give the feedback while it's happening. So we're like, ouch, that hurts, or, oh, that was too fast. Or. And we might not say that sucks or something, but even that, like, you know, and. And I do. Here's the thing. It's like, if it does hurt, you should say something.

Right?

It's like, yeah, yeah. So it's like, it's hard because you want to give in the moment direction, but then giving that in the moment direction can get them in their heads.

Right, exactly. And let me be very clear that, like, yeah, if somebody's hurting you. Yeah, please stop. Yeah, we don't want to be injured. We don't need to trauma the yoni. If somebody is, you know, not properly lubricated or if there's, you know, just penetration is hurting or any type of. Any touch is hurting, like, that kind of feedback. Okay, fine. But if it's like, hey, I feel like you're going for my yoni too quickly, that kind of feedback can wait till later. And what we can do is use that dark feminine seductress to redirect his hands.

Right.

For example, if he's already in there, you can pull his hand out and, like, seductively suck on his finger. And then, you know, put his hand on your shoulder and, like, start him rubbing on, like, you know, literally put his hand there and allow him to start rubbing it or wherever it is that you want him to touch. As an example, you can again, just, well, change positions or.

And should you be saying anything during this or just with your body language?

So I would say whatever comes naturally to you.

Right.

Because I don't ever want to tell somebody not to express. Yeah. But I also don't want you to feel like you have to say something if that's not your natural flow. So trusting that, like, that dark feminine. If. If you feel like, hey, this was severe, or I want to say something, or you want to be coy and, like, talk a little bit of dirty, like, ooh, I really want to taste that, or. Or eat anything. All of that is, again, the natural dance. So we don't want to, like, over script our sexual experiences.

Right.

I don't want anyone to get in their head about like, okay, if he hurts me, then I have to do abc, right? Just knowing that there's options available to you. I'm just putting those into your brain so that your body will know, like, oh, okay, next time this happens, I can try this. And then if it doesn't work and he's not receptive to that, then, yeah, that warrants a conversation later. So if he just, like, rubs you a little bit here and then goes right back at it, if he's just not getting it, because sometimes we're so overwhelmed with our sexual energy that we. It just doesn't click, you know, then in some cases, that might even warrant, let's stop for a minute and have a conversation and then we have sex later. So the severity of the situation really matters. Like, everyone's gotta be sexually safe. That's super important. But assuming we're in a safe dynamic where nobody's being injured, the more you can make it playful, the better everybody's experience everybody's going to have.

Right?

So how can you allow yourself to. Or if he's like, on your boobs just for a little bit, and that's an erogenous zone that you really want attention to. As soon as he moves away, like, pull him into a position where your boobs back in his face.

Right.

Or switch positions so, like, you're on top, so they're right there.

Right.

Like going to a cowgirl while he's on the couch. And I think that. That we kind of get afraid of, like, literally just stopping and then going back into it. There's nothing wrong with just saying, like.

Hey, I think we're afraid of losing the momentum.

Right?

You won't. I mean, it might go down a little bit. That's fine. It'll come back.

Right.

And if it doesn't, then you just weren't meant to be in that dance to begin with anyways, and why would you force it?

Yeah, right.

So giving yourself permission to just say, you know what, Wait a second, I just want to, like, you know, I want to grab an ice cube from the fridge, or I want to run and, like, rinse my hands, or even just like a little bit of a pattern interrupt, interrupt, and then come back. Or even as simple as, I want to be on the couch right now, or I want to be on the chair, or I want to be in a different room, or, you know, I want to try. I want a sip of wine or whatever. Like anything small like that to just give you a small little pattern interrupt so you can get yourself back into A position where he's doing something you're enjoying. All of that can be done in this beautiful, dark, feminine, like sensual seductress way. That makes it more fun because now you're not just executing a script script now you're playing right now you're in a dance and that makes it better for everybody.

Love that so much. Okay, another real life situation. What if he's trying a bunch of things but it's just not getting you there and you just know you're not gonna have an orgasm.

So if he's really set on you having an orgasm, and this is something that I like to tell people, and I mean, we've mentioned it already, like it's the journey, not the destination. And the more hyper focus somebody is, especially if they are not used to your body, the more hyper focused they are on orgasm. Like the more frustrated both of you are going to be because it can be really uncomfortable for you know, the one partner to feel like they're not capable of giving you this gift that they want you to have. And it can feel really uncomfortable for us because we're like, I want you to feel the satisfaction of me having this gift, but I can't give it to you like this.

Yeah, right.

So sometimes it's just a matter of, of like saying, hey, this isn't happening. Like, I'm not going to get there today. How can I service you? Or don't. Like it can be that more realistically, again, switch of positions, check in with yourself. Why is it that I'm not getting there? Is it because there's something going on with me internally? Am I like, is my brain focused elsewhere? Is my body not feeling centered or safe? Or is it literally that he's just not pushing the right buttons in the right order? In which case again, the invitation is, how do I get myself to that? If that's your goal, if that's what you really want, take a breather, switch positions, calm things down. You know, maybe you're like, hey, I would like to, you know, go down on you for a little bit.

Right?

Very few men are going to say no to head, let's be honest. So maybe you just switch it up like that and then you can touch yourself and like kind of re stimulate and then come back into a situation where again, you're feeling like you're actually having, having pleasure. And you might have to do that dance a couple times. But there's no timeline here.

Right?

And that's another thing that I see with a lot of heterosexual couples Is like, there's this idea that it has to happen in this specific order and in this specific way. And that rigidity can cause, especially for the yoni owner, a lot of problems because our bodies just don't work that way. And you might be really surprised that if you switch things up a little bit and you move things around, you might get there faster. You might even have a different type of orgasm than what you were expecting because you gave yourself the space. And that feminine energy just wants to, like, not be forced.

Right.

I mean, even in French, they call the orgasm. Like a slang for orgasm is le petit mort.

Right.

The little death. So that's a surrender. So if you're like, I want to have an orgasm right now, like, there's nothing surrender about that. So breathing into it, allow yourself to switch positions. Allow yourself to just accept that maybe it won't happen. And if you guys need to have a conversation about it later, then you can. But oftentimes when we just, like, let go of the pressure, both parties, it just happens organically.

Totally. And I think it's again, like not being afraid of bringing the momentum down so you can recalibrate to something that actually feels good. And also, it's like almost like. I feel like we feel like foreplay or things of foreplay just have to be at the beginning, and then once we miss that boat, it's too late. So then because we didn't get enough of that foreplay and that turn on, we're not at a place. It's like, imagine if 0 to 100 and orgasm is 100. 0 is. You're not turned on at all. Okay. We only got ourselves to 30, and then we started penetration. Well, a hundred is still really far away. So it's like, really hard for that. That. That just. That penetration is going to bring you all the way up to a hundred. So it's like. So maybe you go back and you do more foreplay, which I think we're again, afraid of offending the person. Of, like. Like, oh, I. I need to go back to the beginning, you know, but it's like. But again, both people want each other to feel good, but it's just our heads need to get over this timeline that we have.

Yeah. In this very specific order. Right. Because it's not the beginning. It's just now it's going to be a deeper experience because you're more aroused than you were at the beginning, or there's more available to you, or maybe you can do it in a different position. So giving ourselves Permission to. Yeah, go back to oral stuff. Sex. Go back to, you know, fingering, go back to massage. Even if that's truly what your body wants and needs and what the pleasure is moving you through. Again, like this is a dance, right? So when we're doing a dance, we're not doing it at 100% the whole time, right? There's a warm up, then maybe there's, you know, a DJ set too, right? You have peaks and valleys, right? You're not just like, okay, cool, I'm going to be drum and bass and I'm going to be like up here the whole time. You're going to build up, you're going to go down, you're going to build up, you're going to go down. And that's where the true beauty lies, is in allowing your nervous systems to like co regulate in that way. And again, being in that beautiful dance where we get to slow down, then we get to speed up and we get to slow down as opposed to it being this very logical, structured thing, which is not what sex is. Sex is not logical structured. It is an expression of the divine that happens through you and it's going to have its own ebbs and flows. Flows.

Love that so much. And yeah, it really is a dance and riding the waves of it. And that's like the beauty of it, that there's some moments that are going to be like intense and passionate and other ones that are like kind of like sleepy and dreamy and like. Yeah, in between. Yeah, Yep.

Yeah, exactly. And giving yourself space to. And permission to allow that. And if this is a relationship that you've had for a long time where you've had a very specific type of sex and you're thinking you want to try this, this. I do recommend having a conversation with your partner first, even inviting them to listen to this podcast because it can be shocking. If you're in a long term relationship and you're very used to a very specific type of sex and then all of a sudden one of the partners is like, cool, I want to be in this dance. You know, I heard on the podcast the dances are cool and I want to be in the flow and I want to be dreamy and passionate and all the things and you're trying to lead from that space, that can be very jarring for the other person. So if you're in a relationship that already kind of has a pattern, I recommend always, always, always communicate with your partner and like, show them this podcast, have them hear why this is important to you. What you're hoping to experience and where it's coming from. So again, they're not feeling, like, criticized, judged, or controlled. And if it's a new relationship, even just really setting again, that energy of playfulness at the beginning, because this isn't the way that most people interact. And so some people, the first couple times might be a little bit like, what the fuck? So giving yourself permission to, like, cool, I'm the koi seductress, I'm the fox, and I'm going to be the one that, like, yes, is in my feminine, but also leads the play, like, leads the joy of this, and allows my pleasure to lead. And that might mean that your other partner has, like, some. A little what the fuck moments. And we just allow that to be fun.

Right?

And stop making it so serious all the time. It's not meant to be serious.

So what are some tantric practices that we can do to start creating more of that, like, sexual erotic connection with that person?

I mean, this is such a. A beautiful topic because basically all of life is tantra, right? Like, when we're talking about, you know, even eating a strawberry is tantra. So again, this can start very early in the experience if you're, like, cool, I'm going out on a date, or I have, like, a nice dinner planned, and I want this to be a fun experience, bringing that into, even at the very beginning, the way that you're eating your food, the way that you're flirting, the way that you're holding eye contact. Eye gazing is a big part of tantra because we're allowing the energy to flow between us.

So, okay, so let's talk about eye gazing.

Okay.

Do you recommend being like, hey, we're gonna do this eye gazing practice. Like, you're gonna stare at my left eye and, like, do it like this, or just, like, incorporating moments of eye gazing and during it. Or. Or both. Like, how do you suggest we go about?

So that's really gonna depend on. On your relationship. It's gonna be different for everybody. There's some people that are very receptive to want to do a cool new thing. Great, let's sit down and, like, yeah, we'll stare at each other's eyes. We'll breathe. We'll synchronize our breathing. Maybe we'll play with energetics in our hands so we can play with, you know, holding hands just a little bit above like this, and noticing the energy and then playing with, okay, where do I feel the heat? At what point do I stop feeling the heat? Do I feel them moving their hand this way. So there's a lot of different cool practices that you can do. Some people are down for that play. Other people, that's going to be a little bit too far for them. So knowing your partner is good, in which case, yes. Bringing it into again, that playful sex where you're just more intentionally looking for their eyes and holding it while you're in sex, or, you know, very softly stroking their hand and then allowing that energetic practice of noticing where you can feel the energy. And, like, at what point, like, that's something that you can do even just playing with them. Like, instead of even touching them, you can just run your hand. Like, I can feel my energy when I do that.

Do this, right?

So you can do this with them while you're massaging them. You can do this while you're laying on the couch with them. Like, it doesn't have to be, hey, let's sit down and do tantra.

Right?

Which for some people, that's accessible and that's beautiful, and you get to grow and learn in that. And for others, that's going to seem really scary. It's going to seem maybe culty sometimes or like, oh, what's this tantra thing? Like, I want people to feel safe to bring these practices in in a way that is actually going to work for them and their partner. And sometimes sit down and stare at my eye. My left eyeball is not that. Right. Sometimes that's anything but erotic for people.

Yeah. Can be very vulnerable for people who are new to it and scare them. But I find that once they try it once and they're like, whoa, what was that?

Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just have to get over that, like, edge of resistance. Which is why kind of intentionally doing it during sexual union already can open their mind up to it.

Right?

Because it's like, okay, cool, we're in this beautiful, let's say missionary position, and I'm intentionally drawing, drawing your gaze. And then you end up in it accidentally kind of already anyways. And then they get that, like, wow, that was really cool. Okay, now you can have a conversation about it later. And then you can say, hey, that's actually a tantric practice. Why don't we try doing that, like, for five minutes before we have sex and see what happens? Because the beauty of that is it's opening your heart, it's regulating your nervous systems again for, you know, feminine arousal. That's another great way to help you feel, like, in your body and ready for sexual activities.

Yeah. I love that so much. And I feel like just those little things like that do make you feel so much more connected with your partner. So then you are more open and able to, like, genuinely receive rather than. We think receiving is. Oh, be silent to something that I don't like. That's not what receptivity is, Right?

Well, that would be like the shadow state of the light feminine is like, people pleasing, right? So, like, just sit down, shut up, and just take whatever they're willing to give you. And then you get like, like erotic scraps of food, basically, which is not what we want.

Okay, here's another real life situation I see happen all the time.

Okay?

You want your man to be more domineering. How can you go about asking for this?

Great question. So for a lot of men, in my experience, the reason they're not more domineering is because there's a polarity mismatch in the relationship where the woman tends to be in the dark masculine, and therefore he is pushed into his light feminine. And so even though you might consciously want that switch to happen in the bedroom, as many of us do, if you are not creating space for that, if you're not inviting him into that, he's not just going to feel safe to step into it. Because your whole relationship, your whole lives together, however long that is, has been spent on, like, you're the one that's in charge. You're the CEO, you're the more stronger personality. So he's been pushed into this a bit of a softer personality. And so sometimes you don't even actually need to ask because they want to be in that. You just need to step out of that role. So instead of being the one that's controlling, that's always initiating again, coming into that, that dark feminine, that flirty, that seductress, or even into your light feminine and moving a lot more into receptivity, even from the second you get home, becoming more of the receptivity, like, not bossing him around as an example and really getting into your light feminine. You guys are in your downtime together. He will more naturally step into his dark masculine because you've invited him there. You've created space for him to hold that, hold that energy. If that doesn't work, then it can be as simple as, like, hey, like, you know, if you want to go into light bdsm, like, hey, I'd really love to try a little bit of domination play. Would you be okay with that? If that's too far, you can say, hey, you know, I really remember when you used to like, like throw me against the wall in passion, I loved that.

Right.

So again, it's that positive reinforcement. It's not like, why aren't you more aggressive? It's hey, remember that time you did this one thing? I really liked that. It would be cool if we did that again sometime. Or I really liked this scene on this TV show where this guy did this thing to this woman. Like, that was really hot. I would love to experience that. So it's coming from this, like, I would love to. That would be fun. Like, wouldn't it be cool to try that energy instead of a sit down conversation where it's like, I would like you to be more dominant in bed, please. Which is again, just really scary and structured for a lot of people.

I feel for a lot of men, they are afraid of coming off as aggressive. And especially with the Me Too movement, which was a very, very needed movement. But they're so afraid of going too far.

Yeah.

So they would rather lean back and let you lead. So then they know for sure you want this. But then what we want is for them to lead. We have to take ownership that we want them to like, push us, like exactly to our limit, but like not a second after. How can they know where that is?

I mean, you have to communicate that clearly.

Right.

They can't read your mind. So we have to get really comfortable in our boundaries. And this is one thing that I've really observed as we've been witnessing, you know, men going from like hyper masculine 80s, right. Like, you know, where we saw basically like borderline rape scenes as, you know, romantic in movies to, okay, now we've had the Me Too movement again, super needed. And now men are feeling almost castrated and they're very outside of their sexuality because they're, they're good people and they don't want to hurt someone. So they're being overly cautious. And again, this is about the woman being willing to be in her sensuality. And this is why I feel sexual, sexual empowerment is so important because when we're in our sexual energy, we're guided by that and we trust that and that will pull them in. And we also trust our boundaries. You know, there's a lot of belief because the masculine is the action taker. We think that the masculine is also the leader. Leader. But it's actually when we even look at the tarot, if you look at the card, the lovers card, the woman is the one that's actually leading and he is looking to her. If you look at the Eyes. In the traditional rider waite deck, the man is looking to the woman and the woman is looking to the divine. So he is looking to her to know what to execute on. It's actually the feminine within us. Again, all genders as well as in this dynamic right now that they're looking to guide. But the feminine can't do that if they don't feel safe to say no or trust themselves to say no, or they think that's going to make them a bad person. Or they feel like, I don't want to reject him, I don't want to give him blue balls. I don't want to give. Make him sexually frustrated. So I don't want to get, you know, three quarters of the way there and then change my mind. All of that is societal programming. And the more that we feel safe and comfortable in our nose, the more that we're going to feel confident to be in our sexual energy and then they can follow that. Men are very good at following sexual energy. So the problem is more that we don't, we don't feel safe to express that fully. And that doesn't mean necessarily hitting on them, but it means flirting from across the room.

Right.

Waving at them, maybe sending them a number.

Right.

Again, being in that seductress energy. Because you can trust that if he pushes you too far, you can say no. And hopefully he receives that well. And if he doesn't, oh, well, then the experience is over. Over.

Right.

I think a lot of us, like, how you say, like flirting or waving across the room, like, brings up all my, like, you know, growing up Persians, like, that's the last thing you would ever do because it's like you would be a slut if you were to do that. And I think a lot of us grew up in cultures where it's like a woman making the first move is going to make her seem easy, slutty, aggressive, whatever the story is. And I think we all, again, have that, like, damsel in distress, like, maiden fantasy of like, he just found me and just kept pursuing me and, and, you know, knew everything I wanted better than I knew myself. And he's Christian Grey, like, you know, and so I think it is like, to have that steamy, hot sex that we see in the movies requires a lot of communication and some wonky moments. And it doesn't always look like the movies. Like, when I first became single, I was so scared of flirting. And then I would like, I would like write something kind of even flirty. I would throw my phone across the Room. Like, I could not handle it. And then I would, like, ask myself, like, why am I literally responding? Like, I'm 13 years old old. It was my fear of rejection, my fear of, I say something and it's too much and he's not gonna like it. And then this. Imagine how guys feel all the time. Like, we expect them to, like, go up and, like, hit on us and this and that and, like, know if we're into it and then get rejected and, like, have the exact same energy for the next person. Like, no, they've probably been rejected so many times that they're just like, you know what? I'm just gonna sit back and, like, see who's into me.

Yep. Yeah, exactly. So when we have this idea of, like, making the first move, like, it doesn't need to be this, like, super aggressive, like, flirty thing. I mean, the truth is that when you have good presence and good sexual energy and you're confident in your sexual energy, you're magnetic. They will come. They will feel it from across the room. And you don't need to be taking the first move. This is what we've kind of idolized as the ideal situation is, okay? Woman is just there, and she's just beautiful, and she's just gorgeous. And every man turns and stops and stares. And then the most handsome one in the room walks over and is like, will you dance with me? And she's like, I thought you'd never have.

Right.

This is what we hope to happen.

Wait, that's not happening.

What?

Don't burst my bubble. I wore this red salsa dress for a reason.

We'll go find a man later. It'll be great. If you're in your sexual energy, though, that does happen. That's the thing. And you don't need. You can be in the more aggressor, like, the more intentional seductress if you want, but you don't have to be, because, honestly, the whole way that you hold your body communicates subconsciously to them. Them that you're available, Right? The way that you move your hips, the way that you flirt, the way that you smile, the way. The way that you flip your hair, even just the way that you dress and show yourself. When you're sexually empowered and you're confident in your sexual energy, all of that literally oozes, hey, I'm available for this. And then they will pick up on that, and they will come talk to you, and then you get to be clear in your boundaries. Flirt if you want to. To say no if you want to.

Right.

So that magnetism is possible and it doesn't even need to look slutty.

And I feel like every woman, we have this thing, like, we can turn it on or not.

Yeah, exactly.

It's like. And it's, it's partially like how you dress and you do your makeup. So, like, I notice it. For example, I go to the gym every day and the days that I like, wear my cute workout outfit and put on a little bit of makeup and do my hair in a cute way and I just walk into that gym with a little sway and it's just like, I have it turned on that. And there are days I come in there like, I'm fucking Eminem. You know, I'm just like, baggy shirt. Like, don't look at me. I'm listening to, like, fuck with me. You know, I got it. And like, no one looks my way. I'm the exact same person. It's just, am I turning it on or off? I think even if I wear the same outfit, I could do that.

Yep. Yeah.

It's just an energetic invitation or not.

Exactly. And like, what? I'm glad you pointed out the outfit there. Like, really, the outfit is a representation of how you feel on the inside.

Yes.

Right.

You felt shitty and you didn't feel turned on. So you have like the Eminem kind of gear going on versus I feel cute today. I feel turned on already. And so I'm going to express that with cute clothing. So what you're wearing actually really doesn't truly make a difference. It's that it's an external representation. Like you chose. You're feeling turned on today. So you chose to wear a red salsa dress.

Right.

As opposed to something else that you might have worn or maybe you would. Could have been in yoga pants. Who knows?

Right.

That's an external representation of how you feel. Even whether you do your hair or not. You can get hit on with no makeup on or with full makeup on. So your external expression is more about I'm feeling myself. So I chose to adorn in a specific way. But you can be feeling yourself in stained sweatpants if you want. Like, that doesn't really matter so much.

Yeah. So another just like back question that I've seen happen in long term relationships is like the dynamic of the relationship becomes very like familial comforting. So maybe at first it was like he was throwing you against the wall super, super hot. And then it's like, I love you so much. And then it's like so cute that it went there, but then you're missing that same, that same polarity, spark. So it's like if you are in a long term relationship that maybe you are both now in your light feminine. Or at least he's come into his light masculine. And for example, I have a friend who, she's in this dynamic and she told the guy, she was like, I want you to be more domineering. He's like, well, I don't want to hurt you. You know, and then I also just think he doesn't see her that same way because they share a life together and stuff. So is it possible to like go back to that, for him to get back into his dark, masculine.

Yeah, absolutely. And that, that fear of I don't want to hurt you is so valid.

Right?

Like, I love you so much. Like, I would be so distraught if I allowed my masculine energy to come out and I hurt you. You. What that also tells me though is that he's got a lot of sexual energy and a lot of like, very strong dominant energy that he's intentionally holding back because he knows he's capable of like, explosive behavior and therefore he knows he's capable of hurting. And so he's holding that back because he doesn't want to. Because we don't hear somebody, that we don't hear someone say, I don't want to hurt you if they don't intrinsically know that they're capable of it.

Right.

So that statement tells me there's a lot there.

Well, and also just him being a man, he's just physically, physically bigger. I think like most men, if they let themselves, I don't know, just like go all out, it would probably be too much for a typical woman.

Yeah. Yeah, totally. And that phrasing though, is telling me that, like, he wants to and he's holding it back. Not he wants to hurt her, but he wants to be in that dominant and he's afraid of himself.

Yeah.

So exposure therapy, starting light, starting with baby steps, like, you know, encouraging spanking.

Right.

Spanking is a great one.

Right.

Because it's actually very hard to hurt someone, someone with spanking. Especially if you're hitting like the right part of the butt, you gotta hit them pretty hard to actually hurt them. So spanking is a great way to start. Shibari rope is also a really great way to start.

Yeah.

I was wondering.

So I went to this shibari rope performance when I was at a festival. It was very beautiful. But I was just wondering, like, what is the guy getting from this? He was Just like having to tie up ropes the whole time. I was like, is he enjoying this?

Yeah.

Okay. Because there's nothing sexual about it at all. They're just tying each other up and then she's just like hanging there and he's just like looking at her. And I was just like, I can see for her the erotic element of the surrender, but I was just trying to understand the male's perspective.

Yeah, right.

And so there's two ways really. Like when we're looking at performative shibari, we're not looking at erotic shibari.

Okay?

Right.

So those are two different things. So we have to think of like, performative shibari is an art process, right? We're creating art. We are in a bit of a dom sub dynamic. There is a little bit of. Of like, I am responsible for this person, especially if they're doing suspension or something. Like, I'm responsible for this person's safety, right? Like the. If he doesn't tie it right, she could strangle.

Right.

She could lose a limb. Especially with suspension. Like, it can get pretty serious if you're doing really intense knots like that. And also the process of tying is very meditative. So that is a very beautiful and very different experience than the shabari that would be considered erotic. When you're getting into do erotic shabari, you can intentionally. I mean, first of all, it's bondage, right? So hands can be tied, wrists can be tied. Like, that brings in an element of bondage and control and surrender into a relationship and into the dynamic. You can also do ties in very intricate ways that are going to hit certain erogenous zones, right? So there's a very easy kind of corset style tie that is definitely like an entry level tie that basically corsets from the clitoris all the way up and over the shoulders. And that basically puts you in this really cool body cage where anytime you twist or move, instead of just feeling it here, now you have rope that is going to transfer that vibration across your entire body. So it can become a highly erotic, very sensual experience. And then the giver, whoever is the rigger in this case, can flick on ropes, pull on ropes, you know, again, it becomes play. And there's a control dynamic there because one person is literally tied up and the other person is controlling the entire scene. So when we're looking for safe ways to bring, I want you to be a little more dominant in or anytime we're looking for behavior change, exposure therapy and baby steps, start doing small things easily to prove to him that you can take it. Show him how far he can go. And if he does go a little too far, don't turn around and smack him. But again, again, have that. Cool. That was a little too much. Use your safe word if you need to. And then later on have a conversation around, you know, where was the edge? And again, open communication. But sitting someone down and giving, saying, I want you to be more dominant and not giving them any guidance on what that even means is basically setting them up for failure.

I love that. Of like, what does that mean? Does that mean spanking? Does that mean tied up? Does that mean just like, like energetically? Does that mean before the bedroom? And I think for a lot of us women today, we just like are in control of so much in our lives, like our businesses, our homes, like, just everything it takes to like freaking be alive, pay our taxes, this and that, that like what we really desire is just to surrender, you know, and like that's really what the, the genuine desire is. But then I feel at the same time there's this rise of the feminist movement and even the divine feminine movement and men being like, wow, you seem to like know yourself and know everything so well. So like you just tell me. And it's like this, like I know myself, but also I want to be ravished and I also want to be taken. And I just see so many women just like almost as I give that up of just like, I guess I'm not going to have that in this lifetime. Just because we're not having those conversations that you don't need to find some tantra, dom, masseuse man to do this. Your average accountant, lawyer, software engineer, da da, da. Everyone is tantric, actually. It's just like how much are we allowing ourselves to attune to that energy?

Yeah, exactly. And again, having the conversations and the invitations and you mentioned, you know, so many of us are doing our business and our life and our taxes. The question is, I mean, especially if you're in, you know, a long term committed partnership where you trust them to do this, what would it look like to invite them, them if they want to, to take over more of the household stuff, what would it look like to invite them to be the one that's responsible for the dinners, to be the one that's responsible for scheduling group activities, to be the one that's scheduling things for the kids.

Right.

Which I know oftentimes the mothers take on, but that's a light, masculine role.

Right?

So why can't your, if you want your man to be More in the dominant, more in the masculine areas. Inviting him into that again, guiding him. Hey, would. Would you mind actually, like, taking care of my taxes this year? Would that be okay for you? And if they say no because it feels like you're asking too much of them, that's fine. But giving him opportunities, even outside the bedroom to reclaim that masculinity that he feels like he's not in is going to reset that polarity for both of you so that you can be more in that softness. Or, hey, like, would it be okay for you to plan this gathering with my friends? Or do you. Would you mind taking over the. The kids soccer schedule or pickups from school or whatever the things are that you're doing all the time that he could be doing. Creating space and invitation for him to pick those up is going to allow him to more naturally shift into his again. His light masculine and his dark masculine.

Yeah, because it's like everything is sex, right? And it's like those things are foreplay and they are turning us on. Like, even, like, these days, I see, like, the younger men, Gen Z, they're like, why? Why should men open doors for women? Doesn't make sense. We have equal capability. And while we do have equal capability, it's like, if you want to turn a woman on, like, be a little chivalrous with her. Like, you know, those little actions are going to go such a far way of just like, yes, like, we're not as different in our roles and maybe we have been historically, but, like, little things of just like, making her feel special and chosen and, and held and adored and worshiped. It's like, I saw this gorgeous meme and it was like, the only way to love a woman is to worship her.

True. And I'm like.

And there's something so innate to feminine sexuality of like, we just want to be worshiped and not in this, like, oh, praise be, like, kind of way. But it's just like every part of our bodies, like, kissed and touched and loved and our souls and like someone to, like, deeply see us. I just feel that is, like, the biggest core desire of the feminine. And it feels sometimes of like. And I'm never gonna get it, you know? So that's why I think what you're sharing today is so important of, like, well, we can. It takes just these conversations and letting our partner know it's not, I want you to pick the kids up. It's why.

Yeah, exactly. Because otherwise it can feel just like, hey, you're not doing enough around the house. And I just want to give you more advice tasks. But if it's a conversation around, I want us to be in this different dynamic, this different polarity. And I would love for you to pick up a few of these things. Like maybe here's a list of three. Can you pick two of them? Whatever two you want, or however that can be a nice soft conversation. And I really resonate with what you were saying about the door opening and the chivalry because that used to be me. When I was really deep in my masculine in my late teens into my mid-20s, I was like, I would be deeply offended if someone opened the door for me on a date because I was very in that, like, I can do it on my own. I'm a strong, independent woman. Don't you dare imply that I'm lesser than you by opening the door for me. I can do it on my own, thank you very much. And I have to tell you now that that has softened and I'm not in my dark masculine anymore and I'm dancing between all four of those polarities. God damn it. I love it when my girlfriend opens the door for me. Like it's just the sweetest thing thing. And I love it when she gets me flowers and I love it when she picks up little treats and all of those cute little things that we associate with like the masculine role. But again, I just like knowing that I'm being thought of, that I'm being worshiped, that I'm being honored. And that's really what it's about.

I love this so much. Oh, I could talk to you for hours. So where can listeners work with you? Join one of your courses and learn more about your wisdom.

So I am most active on Instagram, Stephanie J. So Stephanie and then J A I E. My website is stephaniejay.com and I have the Sexual Empowerment Academy which is where I teach the majority of this. It's a nice long 12 week course that we go through all of the stuff we've talked about today. Polarity dynamics, energy, orgasms, sexual empowerment, expression, flirting, literally all of it. And that will be opening again in for enrollment probably in the fall. So I would just recommend to hit the wait list for that which is stephaniej.com se a.

Well, you are so amazing. I love chatting with you today. I hope you love this episode as much as I did. Like, there's nothing better than talking about sex. You know, maybe having sex, but talking about it is pretty good too and it lets us have better sex in our lives with ourselves. With the world and creation. So share this episode. This is a really good one to, like, get these juicy combos going with your friends. Because, let's be real, it's really fun to talk to your friends about these things, but sometimes you're like, I don't want to be too much. Or, like, it's weird if I just bring it up. All of a sudden it's like, just send them this podcast. Like, hey, group text. We're all gonna listen to this podcast. We're gonna have a conversation. What did you think? What did I think? Like, your friendships are gonna get so much deeper. And then, mind you, imagine sending it to your partner, your lover boy, or whoever you're fucking with. It was gonna take everything to the next level. And then it's like, you know, maybe right now you're like, I mean, you don't have to share the specific part. You mean in this conversation, if you were sent this, your person. Person really just wants to have better sex with you, so. But it lets you just have a baseline of, like, oh, it would be really fun to talk about, like, what feels good for me and what feels good for you. And, you know, maybe we, like, show each other, like, how we like to be touched. And it's almost just, like, really playful too. It's like two, like. It's like two people, like, teaching each other the maps of their body, the maps of the universe. And it's like, what? Like, that's what love is for, you know? And it's like, so it's not for, like, acting. So they like it. It's like, so you both genuinely love it. So. Share this episode Be sure to tag us. Our Instagrams are in the show notes. And subscribe to this podcast for future conversations. We love talking about all things juicy. Drip, drip, drop. And be sure to listen to my new album, My Body is an Altar, which is really an ode to sensuality. So many dope songs on there. My body's an altar, the Feminine Is Rising, Self, Love and Anthem, and so much more. So thank you so much for tuning in today, and I'll see you on the next one. Trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. So trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom, Trust your inner guidance.