575: Go From People Pleasing to Truly Authentic Friendships with Rosie Acosta

I'm always in every friendship going to be a make the relationship work.

Yeah.

I'm like, love is a rare gift from God. God brought you this to your doorsteps. You take it by the hand, take it into your heart and you think the earth. But then other friends are like, I mean, you're more like that. You're like him. In today's episode, we're joined by Rosie Acosta, a yoga and meditation teacher, author, and holistic health coach. Working with her community Olympic athletes and NFL and NBA champions, her mission is to help others overcome adversity and experience radical self love.

What are my red flags?

It's not a red flag, but if you were my only friend, like, you sleep at like 7:30pm like, it's like when I start my day.

People want these like, ride or die, deep, true love relationships, but they're not willing to do the work. If you are not willing to have conflict with the person you love the most, what type of relationship are you in?

Trust flows, let go Trust flow soon to let go Trust flow soon to let go oh, I'm the one I've been waiting for. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose and on this podcast I love to take spirituality and make it modern, fun, grounded and relatable so it can actually serve your needs. And I especially love talking about matters of the heart, the divine feminine, the things that really make us come alive. Because spirituality is not about meditating in the Himalayas for 10,000 years, but rather it is about being with the people, sometimes not with certain people, and creating your own groove, connecting to your body, body, having your own flow, listening to the language of the universe and maybe wrapping back your answer. So welcome and let's get into it. So about two years ago now. Crazy how time flies. My bestie, who I have here on the podcast today, a little treaty treat. We did a podcast all about moving from people pleaser to bad bitch. And that was our number one podcast that we have done together. So we're like, okay, there's something more to this. Like, let's dive in. Let's just take it up a notch. So in this episode, and we have no idea where it's going to go. Going to be the third in our conversation right now because every day we Send each other 17 minute voice notes so we'll talk about me trying to stop the pattern, but it kept going. And we really love to dive into these, like big topics and conversations and where like we are heading. And so it's really interesting because I feel like we all have, like, similar thoughts and ideas, but then we kind of, like, have a passing thought. We don't, like, dissect and dive into it, and that's really what we love to do here. So I'm also really curious to hear your insights. Share with me in the comments. Comments. If you're on YouTube, share with me on the podcast or share with me on Instagram. Like, let's keep this dialogue going. And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format, so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube or the Apple Store. This is the best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibing with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one. So without further ado. And you don't have to do it. You don't have to. People, please me.

Okay?

It's fine if you don't want to. It's fine. Boundaries. Without further ado, let's welcome Rosie Rosita to the highest self podcast.

Muchas gracias. Me gusta con das Buen.

Buen. Wes, how did you feel when I told you that we couldn't voice note everything?

Oh, my God. Literally. That's how you want to start?

Let's backtrack. Let's backtrack.

Okay, let's really break down because I haven't told you how I felt.

Okay.

You've not asked me.

This is. We're going in. This is the. We're in the container with you. So let me backtrack. Rosie and I have been besties for now eight years. It's a long time.

Wow.

And it was like one of those friendships that you see, you meet someone, it was like you really quickly dive in. And we just kept getting closer and closer and closer. And then it was really after my divorce that we got into this. Like, you know, I was processing a lot, and my family are not really the people I like, emotionally connect with on that level. So I was like having all these thoughts and insights in this, and I would send her these really long voice notes, and that's how the pattern kind of started. So I would send these really long voice notes of this, that, that, that after a few months of doing that, I was like, I think this is a lot probably for her to hear. And I started to like record voice moments of myself. And then eventually I just stopped processing that much and it sort of faded away. But we stayed in the flow of voice noting each other every day so they would turn into thoughts. We had dreams, we had realizations, we had updating each other on our lives. And it has been this really beautiful connection point that we had going on in that flow for like a year and a half, almost two. Two years in that way of like long voice notes, like to the point I've shared this on podcast. I would like, wake up, my eyes barely cracked open. I'm like, rose cake, rose egg. I just, I think in my dream I saw a leprechaun. And you know, it was like, first thing I did was voice note this chicken. So when I went to Guatemala, like, one of the first things I felt when I landed there was like, be in this experience because I was doing a 10 day womb healing immersion where you're like really supposed to, like, you're not even supposed to be talking while you're there. So I'm like, okay, this is my opportunity for me to really dive into my own experience. But I honestly felt bad to not. I was like, I feel like I don't want her to feel abandoned. Like, I need her to know I still love her. So I told her I was like, I'm going to spend these 10 days here and, you know, be in my own experience and we won't be voice noting. But I also just want to make sure she really knew that I loved her. So I told her this and she was like, great for you because she does like silent retreats and stuff. And she was like, rock on. But I was like, that girl. Part of me was like, I really want her to know, like, I really like me and I'll be. So I would just like send her like reels of mostly Indian outfits because that's what most of my explore pages. And I'm just like, I love you through this. Like, I thought she would just like heart them because she, like, wouldn't know. Like, am I like, allowed to respond? Because you just kind of told me, let's not talk, but you keep sending me saris, so I'm not sure. And saris, I mean, like legit wearing saris. And then at the end, one of the like, medicine women who was there felt that it would be really great for me to do a 10 day rose the etho, which is when I come home to sit in silence for 10 days and to really connect to the medicine of the rose. So drinking rose tea, rose tincture. But the most important part of it is to be in silence and not to dictate and narrate your experience, which became my pattern. Anything I would go through, I wouldn't even sit with it. I would instantly just voice over Rosie about it. And it was like I didn't, like, digest the thought. I was like, so I'm having this thought that hasn't even been fully thought out. And it's, like, beautiful to, like, have a bestie who's like, there with you. But it was showing me that it was like holding me back from, like, actually using my own intuition. Because it was like I would just sit, like, I would, like, instantly go into, like, I have no idea. Let me ask her, you know? And so it showed me that that was actually holding me back from my deepest desire of true love. And that true love can only come from me. Asking myself, what do I think about this text? Asking myself, what should I do about the situation? Asking myself rather than asking someone else. And I feel. Cause I never really dated before. I had no idea how this worked, but neither had she. So it was like kind of the blind leading the blind, too. So anyways, the rose was like, you need to sit with yourself and connect to your intuition. She even told me, she said, sit with yourself. Ask your own questions, receive your own inner guidance and see how your life shifts by Valentine's Day for six months. Don't ask for advice. I'm like, oh, my God. So, you know, I told Rosie there's an additional 10 days, but I, like, felt really bad doing it. So, Rosie, how did you feel? Wow.

Yeah. That we've not actually had this conversation. And I'm just thinking about it now because we've talked about it, but not.

Really, because I saw you when I came to your place and it was like 27 days or so, like three. More than three weeks that we hadn't updated each other because I wanted to keep all my updates for when I saw you in person. But it was almost like we were like, remitting each other for the first time.

Yeah. Yeah, it was. Well, obviously I'm gonna support you 100% with whatever you want to do, but it was really. If you're asking me for my experience. Yeah.

Because it was shifting a pattern, and I can.

Shifting a pattern.

Right. And it's hard because we had a previous bestie and that was what I was really concerned about. Yeah.

Yeah. Because we've been in a situation where we.

Someone wanted space and then broke up with us.

Left us high and dry. Yeah.

Left us high and dry.

And we. Like, that's not what we wanted.

Exactly.

It's really interesting being in a situation like this because in a way, like, you're making a choice for the relationship. Right? And so I think that that's a really interesting perspective to look at it from. Because that was your choice. Like, that wasn't necessarily my choice. Like, I didn't want to have a break. Right. I didn't want to be in silence. I'm just like, I've got things I didn't tell you, you know? So I think initially, if I'm honest, there, of course, is that sense of, like, oh, my God, like, okay, is it okay? Are we okay? Like, is this. Never did I doubt my love, my devotion, or our friendship, because I really feel, like, really solid in that. But it was more that sort of girl thing that we do where it's like, wait, did I do something? Like, did something happen? Is she not telling me something? Is there something else going on? You know, so. So there was that initial ego hit, but, you know, it's like, I've done a lot of work, so I got over it. And then. And then it was fine, you know? But. But I did find it interesting that for a lot of people, they might not have that same sense of confidence or autonomy to feel like, I don't think she's breaking up with me. It wouldn't be wise for her to break up with me. If she is breaking up with me, I'm gonna have something to say about it. But at the same time to know, like, if I really love and support you unconditionally, then I won't make this about me. This is about you. This is about something you want to do. So in order for me to support that in a real, authentic way, then I have to put my ego and my feelings aside and support you fully, you know? And I think in that, too, it's sort of like what I found interesting were the unspoken things that we would do. Like what you said. You still set?

She literally said, because I knew the abandonment thing, that I was like, I want her to know I'm not ghosting her. I'm not pointing back. I want her to know I'm thinking about her every single day. So I'm just gonna send her something so she knows.

And you're right. And I would get these. And I just like, was it helpful?

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It was, I think, just that sort of like, solve on a wound of like, okay, she's still thinking about me.

But it's so interesting because what you said about like, I made a decision for the relationship, but that's what relationships are.

Yeah, exactly.

Relationships are co creations.

And I think that that was really sort of helpful for me because I had to process. I mean, there was. I had to process that. I had to think about it. It wasn't just like, you sent that thing and I was like, oh, yeah, cool, no big deal. It's like, outwardly, yes, it was cool, but I internally, for myself, had to like, process that and really think about, okay, like, how do I feel about this? You know, like, am I really fully in a space to unconditionally support? And of course I was right. I mean, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But it really showed me sort of the different level of relationship that even for us, like, we could still grow and we could still find a different place of comfort. I think that's the thing that I love most about our relationship, is the ability to really fully be ourselves and to really just express how we feel and to feel like, yeah, like, we don't have to necessarily send voice notes every day. We don't have to talk every day. I mean, we do, but we don't have to. Right? And that showed us that, like, even with minimal communication, the bond is still there, you know, there's still a connection and there's still support and there's still love. And. And I wonder for you, like, you made that decision, right? And I think for you, knowing the abandonment component, you wanted to make sure that I didn't feel that way. And so to me, my Buddhist self, it's like you're taking yourself out of the experience, right? Because you're still worrying about some of your.

Yeah, I wasn't fully, but I was like, let me just choose a happy medium, you know, and a lot of people are like, that, this is my boundary. And they fully stick with it. But I'm just such a. Whether we call it, I'm an empath, you know, And I'm like, it's not.

About people pleasing people.

Yeah.

And I'm like, yeah, being empathy.

And I'm like, I would rather, like, break my own. It's not even a boundary. Just like, loosen this notion to me what I was doing that was harmful for me. And by the way, I intuited this the moment I landed in Guatemala before having a conversation. I literally landed something about being in the energy of Lake Atitlan, which is like all obsidian. It's like volcano. It's very cleansing. Showed me, if you want next level for your spiritual growth, stop dictating and narrating everything that you do. And this became a pattern of mine. I want to speak into this because I feel like it's a lot of women's pattern, especially because voice noting is so readily available and we're always in contact with our friends that we're like, you know, as women, we were meant to, like, live in tribes with other women and always be in contact. However, we were in physical proximity to them that I could like, go up to your hut and we could, you know, pick some berries together and go on our own ways. Now that's not the case. And now it's not just this. The people in my village, it's like every person I've ever met that I'm connected with. So, like, there is a point back when I lived in Miami that I would spend the first, like, hour of my day voice running this person, listening to their voice and voice, that voice. It was. It would take so much, and it was like several people, 20 plus people, you know, and. And not all of the same people every day, but there were just so many people that, you know, when you have a thought about someone, you send them a message, then they send you a message, and then to send them a message. And I was in all of these threads, these ongoing lingering conversations that never end. And I would notice, like, for example, with one of my friends, she's a big texter, right? And so I would get to the gym, I would reply to her text and my whole workout, I wouldn't even work out because we're just texting back and forth and back and forth. And the moment she says something, I wanted to close the loop. But then she thinks, and I'm engaging in it too, right? But I was like, oh, it's just in between reps it doesn't really matter. Let me. And then it was just like I wasn't being present. And it showed me all of these energy cords I had attached to me, all of these half open loop conversations that I'm in, Emails I need to respond to texts, dms, comments, this, that. It's like, you know, when you meditate and the first thought is like when you reply to that email, that's not natural to us. You know, like in the real world, you have a conversation, you say goodbye, and that conversation is closed. In this Internet world, we never say goodbye. It's like there's a meme. It's like we used to say brb. We never say BRB anymore because we live here, we live online, we have a conversation. Check your phone again. You got to the other. Check your phone again. Something. Check your phone again. We're not being present in our realities. And it really, this all just became really obvious to me. So I'm like. And then especially on the part of my intention, being true love. Well, true love can only come from you being true to yourself, you know, and because I never dated in my 20s, I didn't know anything about dating, right? And then on top of that, because of dealing with infidelity, I'm like, oh God, I definitely can't pick them. Right. You know, so I'm like asking you and several other friends, like, what do you think of this person's aura? Like, what should I respond to this? And it's like, what Allie would respond is perfect for Ally's relationship when Rosie would respond is perfect for Rosie's relationship with so and so. They're all perfect responses for different people, for different relationships. You have to be yourself if you want a relationship. And I would go back to some interactions I would have with people. In one text you wrote and one text someone else wrote, I'm being all four different people. I asked about this situation, you know, and it's like, how do you expect that? And so it was like, especially for me, the big thing was like in my romantic life, do not ask for advice. And here's the thing that happens when we ask for advice is like, we often ask for advice at the lows.

Yeah.

Oh my God, my boyfriend did this. He's such a this. And then you're like, you're protective of your friend, so you're like, book that guy, you know, and then let's say something made up or there's something in the energy dynamic. But now your friend already has this idea that he sucks and we girls, we do that because we want to protect each other. And then you're having to like almost be the explaining one of like, no, he's not so bad. He actually this, he actually that. And now you're in this proving and then you stop telling and you know, and because you're not really telling your friends about all the great, you know, experiences, you tell them when you need help, which is the bad. And it was like, when in history of time have we like asked people like what to do in our relationship? It's so nuanced. And like, by the way, a lot of just the Internet advice is unrealistic.

Yeah.

You know, and it's wrong, wrong. And we'll get into that of like be with a man who you don't have to like help at all. And it's like, especially if you're a spiritual woman, you will, you will be helping that man spiritually. You will be. That's just a fucking fact, you know, and it's like we set these unrealistic expectations and then like the people who wrote them are perpetually single.

Yeah. And what about like getting into this field of work and then making the boundary, like, but I don't want to help the person that I'm going to spend my life with. Like, what's that about?

Right. I'm going to help all these clients, but God forbid my partner needs something because they're a human, you know, so we'll get into that. So I knew that for me to hit to the next level of my intuition, my spiritual growth, and to have the ultimate thing that I desire in this lifetime, true love. I need to do this. And that is worth this potential, like maybe disrupt that it could create. But also in the long run, it will help you too. That's what I also, because then I won't be asking you so many questions. And then I was thinking, I'm like, does Rosie even like me asking her all these questions? Like, maybe I think she's really loving this, but she's just feeling bad for me, you know, now she's like, finally she stopped sending me 17 minute voice notes about what to respond to someone she's never met. So I was like, maybe in my head I think she's like missing out on my updates. And for her she was actually just like, poor girl went through a divorce and has made me her husband ever since. So I'm curious your thoughts.

You're curious what I really thought. Like, I like I said like, look, I feel like I do my best to love unconditionally. And I really feel like this experience that you've gone through, we've gone through, and I really fully commit with my people, and I think that everything that you've gone through has also helped me and has also made me a better person. It's made me a better friend. And I feel like we've both really learned a lot along the way. I take your lessons as my lessons, too, and I think that that's the core sign of a good friendship, is somebody that's willing to dig that ditch with you and go into those dark places with you. You know, somebody that, when you're going into that dark cave, you know, that says, yeah, hey, I'll be here when you get out. It's like, you want the friend that's like, all right, like, we're going in, right? For me, that's really important because you're that person, you know, I'm definitely that person, and I think that that really sets the tone for the type of relationships that you want to have in general, you know?

So this is a really juicy entry point into people pleasing and why some of my beliefs have shifted since the podcast.

Here we go.

Let's talk about that. Friends going into caves. Friends having a dark night of the soul. Partners having a dark night of the soul. Okay, I'm gonna speak into a variety of different.

Okay, here we go.

But, like, subjective. Yeah, here's the perspective. Someone's going through a hard time. I don't have time to take that on. I have my own shit to worry about. I got a lot going on in my life. They need me. I can't give them what they need. They need to be sovereign and figure it out on their own and go into the spiritual journey and find healers and find a coach or find a support system. And I can't be that. And that's the truth. I can't be that. For every single person I can't have, I definitely, I feel, am the person that everyone comes to when they have a heartbreak. And I'm like, if you are in the trenches with someone in a heartbreak, it's like a. But I'm like, for my, like, true, true, true best friends, I'm there. But, like, for people who, like, especially, like, weren't at all there for me. No, I'm not gonna be your crying on the phone for the eighth time about the same thing person. I will do that for a select group of people who, like, they are my soul fam. You know, so there is a truth to that. Then there's this other simultaneous of like, then who are those people we're willing to go into the it caves with? Because I think most people aren't going to go to the cave with anyone. Yeah, I think most people see you're going to the cave.

Bye.

Sayonara. I can't. I have my own shit going on. I have my own this. And we do. And that's true. But it's like, I'm curious for you, like. Cause I didn't really need you before my divorce. You know, I would send you updates, but I figured my own shit out. It was more like, this is what happened, you know. And then. So like, what made you decide to see, wow, this girl is gonna go through a dark chapter right now. And we don't know how long it's going to stay. So I'm going to decide to opt into this experience versus what you could have just been done is like kind of not really responded quickly. And then I probably would have stopped. You would have stopped being the person I would have messaged. And a lot of friends did that too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a couple of friends that I know that you were close with at one point, and then they kind of just dropped. Dropped off. What made me decide to opt in to the extravaganza?

Yeah. And like, how do people know? Like, because I think we all. It's like, so why this comes down to this people pleaser thing is if I'm just operating from. I don't want to be a people pleaser. Their shit's their own shit boundary, then we have no empathy.

I feel like if we hadn't just sort of caught each other in that relationship fallout that we had, I don't know that I would have opted in. I think that really showed me who you were. Like they say, you know, you can tell a true leader not by how much success they have, but how well they deal with the struggle. That really showed me how well at communicating you were. It showed me how far you were willing to go for a relationship. It showed me your level of commitment to your friends and it really showed me that the type of character that you were. And trust me, like, I, you know, where I came from, you know, my background, like I'm a ride or die, you know, it's like even though we were already in a friendship, that to me just sort of like up leveled you.

So having experienced like a hiccup with that person before that brought you closer. It's like, okay, when there's a Big thing, I'm gonna be there.

It's like when even in a romantic relationship, you don't know the person you're with until you're in conflict. That's how you really know what this person's made of. If you are not willing to have conflict with the person you love the most, what type of relationship are you in? You're not in a real true relationship. Right. You're in a surface level relationship. You're in a, for Instagram, real highlights relationship. And for me, that. That's just not it.

That's what most friendships are these days.

Yeah, it's very superficial. And so I think had we not had that experience, I don't know if I would have, you know, I don't know, I may, maybe I would have. I mean, there's no telling. But that to me was like a cue to say, this is my girl and I'm gonna be there for her as best I can. And I mean, I don't know now, looking back, I don't know. Would I do it again? I'm just kidding. Would I do it again? Yeah, I would do it again, 100%. Because the person that you are now is like, I've said this before and I've said it here on the podcast is like, like a. So much better. More up leveled, more like advanced, more, you know, upgraded version of you.

Yeah. Because you get to like, reap the benefits of the alchemy that that person experiences on the other side.

Exactly.

It brings you closer and then you have an inseparable bond. It's just like, you know, why Long term relationships, when you've gone through some hiccups that almost tore you apart and you say your bond becomes so much stronger. Yeah.

And I think for me too, being the person that goes into the cave with my people, like, I knew, I'm like, damn if I'm going, if, if I'm going in there with her. We're. This is it. Like we're surviving the plane crash together and we're not. Like, this is, this is a bond for life. And I, and I felt that. And I think that there were a couple of different shifts within the relationships, going through your journeys, et cetera, that just continued to create that alchemy that you're talking about. And it also really just. Yeah, it brought us closer together and it, it helped me too. Like, I can't just be like, oh, yeah, I went into the cave with you and, and have that. Like, my relationship's fine and my life is fine. It's like, no, my relationship is not fine because you're not fine. Right. I mean, it's really showed me a lot of who you are and who I am too. So I think that that's the beauty of being in tribe and being in relationships, especially when you're willing to go to those depths. People want these like ride or die, deep true love relationships, but they're not willing to do the work. Right. It's like that saying that says, you know, everybody wants the view, but nobody wants the climb. Right. Everybody wants the end result. They want to have that deep experience. They want to have that partner that's like in love with them and obsessed with them, but they don't want to do the work. They don't want to be vulnerable. Like they don't want to do the things that they need to do. They don't want to be on the other end of that 17 minute voice note, you know, or they don't want to be on the other end of that call while your friend is like crying or really upset about something or somebody said something that triggered them or whatever because we're busy.

I think this is the heart. And let's like walk this line of like, what is the line of like, like helping friends, coaching friends versus, like, I can't be your coach. That's a great question, you know. Cause it's like on one perspective, especially those of us who are healers, which lots of us are, is like of course your healing gifts, your zone of genius you're gonna share. So for example, whenever you're talking about a business thing, I'm like, can I interject? Because I love coming up with offerings in business and marketing. It's like my zone of genius. But then if you were sending me every single email and sales page that you wrote and can you help me set up this funnel and this and that, then it would, it would start to cross a line.

Right.

And I feel like a lot of people don't know how to have that conversation of when it's crossing the line. So they're like, let me just not help because I'm scared if I start helping then they're going to want all of me and I won't know how to stop. So let me just like say nothing.

Right. Well, but that, that's. You have that self awareness to know to not do that. Right.

And there's a subtlety in being the boundary, I think, than necessarily having to like say it.

Yeah. Like imagine if I was that person. I can't even imagine I'm not that person. Right.

And again, I have had people like.

That too that have said, oh, here.

Like, that have, like, what about this? What about that? It's like, it's not that they're taking advantage. They're like, you, you helped me on this. So let's. Then they come back to you for more. They come back to you for more.

Oh, that's the give and take. It's the.

Yeah. They're like, she helps me. She likes helping me. So I'm going to keep asking. And like, there does come a point where I'm like, do you know what I did? I actually hired someone for that. Or, you know what would really help you? It would be doing this course. Or like, I kind of guide them to resources. Yeah.

But if, if that was your friend, like, what if your friend feels a little bit slighted by you not not giving them free advice?

I feel like if they're truly my friend, they can intuitively sense, you know, they can. I think we all can when someone's kind of like, help, help, help. And like, this is, this is the boundary. You know, if someone kept going and I have had friends that I've, you know, parted ways with because I didn't feel totally, like safe with them. They haven't honored the boundary. They keep coming, coming, coming. And now I feel com. Like completely turned off from the friendship. Right. So I think it is like a emotional intelligence.

Wow. Yeah.

And I have felt people when I was younger and learning about business, and especially if I would meet like someone who knew business, I would ask them and I could kind of feel their boundary too. And I always instantly could tell and respect a bit.

Yeah. But the thing is, you have emotional intelligence. And that part of your zone of genius too is being able to connect with people and be like a super communicator. And not everybody has that. I feel like I had this experience with friends before where. Okay, bringing it back to the people pleasing where they're asking me for advice and it's almost like. And I don't know if you've had this happen to you and I'd love for you to share if you have. I want to help them and I'm so excited and, you know, I'll share all of my resources and like, I know you're thinking about the one thing, but that's not actually what I'm talking about. But I do have a big resentment about that one thing that you're thinking about. But I do have this desire initially to really help and do Business plan or write some sort of plan for them to be able to do. But then when they continue to come back and they're not doing it, and they continue to be like, oh, I still have that thing that you wrote for this podcast idea. Right. And so what do you do at that point? And have you had that happen where you're initially excited to help, but then. So here's what happened in that specific situation. That friend. After I was, like, not willing to have them come hang out at my house so that I can give them free advice while I have other things to do, I was like, yeah, I'm just. I don't have time. They sent me a message basically saying, like, I'm sensing that you don't actually want to help me with this project. So I'm like, okay, how do I explain myself? Because initially I did want to help them, and now I don't. So how do you. How do you deal with that?

What did you respond?

I did it. I ghosted. Sorry.

Well, I mean, that's like, a pretty ballsy email for them to write or text for them to write.

Yes. Yeah.

What kind of intuition do you have? I ask this because I realized through having this podcast that everyone's intuition speaks to them differently. Some of us just know things. Like, you know, you're talking to someone. You just know something, something about them. It makes no sense, and you just say it. They're like, how'd you know that?

You're like, I don't know.

That's the Claire cognizant. Some of us, we're. We're visual people. We see dreams. We have an image in our mind. We do visualizations. It really comes to us, maybe in an art form. That's the clairvoyant. Some of us are feelers. We're talking to someone, and we feel this, like, ache or pit in our stomach or maybe a clenching in our shoulders, and we could just feel something is off in our bodies. That's the Clairsentient. And some of us hear things. We hear a voice in our head saying, go do something or say something or make something known that is a Clairaudient. So if you're wondering what your type of intuition is, I have created a free quiz where you can figure it out and learn how you can create a career really honoring this unique type of intuition. Because the truth is, your intuition is a gift. It's not here to make you crazy, but rather, it is something that you are here to share and experience with other people. And it's Your superpower. So head over to the link in my show notes to discover what your type of intuition is and how to make it part of your career. This show is sponsored by Better Help. There is so much to be grateful for, but I feel we often forget to be grateful for ourselves, how far we've come that we are the people who have brought us through our darkest nights and our toughest moments. And we really have been our own best friends, our own best lovers, our own best mother and father. And sometimes it's hard to give that thanks to yourself or even acknowledge how far you've come. And that's where therapy comes in. This allows you to look at your past and see why you are the way that you are today and actually find gratitude, even for your toughest moments, because they shaped you. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, Give Better Help a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So let the gratitude flow with better help. Visit betterhelp.comsahar to get 10% off off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.comsahara and you can find that link in the show notes. So trust your intuition. Trust your inner guidance. To me, like, if someone's giving me free advice, it's a gift. You know, it's a gift. And here's another thing that I think a lot of people are missing. And some people are easier with it. Some people are not. Gratitude. Like, you're someone that always shows your gratitude. You send me freaking flowers. You sent me more flowers than any man ever has. Gorgeous ones, too. I'm like, wow. Like, after my Rose de Etta, Christine was like, who's this from? Rosie, you know, and she's like, don't forget I'm your Mexican puppy. So you are someone that's so always giving your gratitude and that's your emotional intelligence because you know what it's like to. I don't know, like. And not even that I'm giving to you. It's just like, you just know what it's like to be in friendships where you don't feel like that sense of gratitude. And we often write each other lists of like, 10 things I love about you. And we just send it to each other. And every morning we're like, good morning, pumpkin angel special, you know, and we do that because we're like, I wanna be in a relationship like that you wanna be in a relationship like that. Let's co create that relationship together where we feel like fonded over. Right. Other people, and it could be how they were raised and stuff. Just don't say thank you. You know, they don't think about gratitude. They don't think about all of the things that you're doing for them. And it's challenging, you know, because it's like you're giving and giving and giving. You love this person. But. And then sometimes I question myself of like, why am I holding on to the fact that they're not saying thank you? And then I'm like, doing my own work of like, it doesn't matter. I'm enjoying spending time with this person. But it's like some people are just kind of like taker energy. And it's an interesting line because it's like on one end you could be like, so then don't have that person in your life. If they're not showing gratitude, they're not giving back. But then it's like you might actually fuck with that person. You might like that person as a friend and they're nourishing you in other ways, but they're not ever thinking about what you've done for them.

Yeah. So I'm curious though, in that situation, like, not. Not to say. And I don't want us to go into a polarity of what's right, what's wrong? Because I feel like you answered the question in a way by saying there are things that you're getting from this relationship, but you're still stuck on this sort of thing about them not saying thank you. So my question to you is, what's stopping you from bringing this up to them?

Because to tell someone you should say thank you is an empty thank you.

Right. Because then it's like, if they were to say it, then you just told.

Them to say it. It's like, say sorry to your brother. Sorry.

Yeah.

It doesn't mean anything.

Yeah.

And this is where friendship becomes really nuanced because it's like, here's the thing. Our cutoff game can be real quick these days.

Yeah.

You know, that could be a perfectly good reason for someone to end a friendship for sure. You know, but then it's like. And then you're down to having no friends.

Yeah.

So I come back to, like, the overall picture of this person and their heart, like if their heart is in the right place, but maybe they just don't show it in the same way that I do. Or maybe are just Unobservant to it. Then I sit with myself of like. And that's the Buddha nature in me. That's like, I don't need anyone to thank me. I do it out of the goodness of my heart not to get a thank you.

Yeah, but that's the goal anyway.

Exactly.

But so really, what you're saying, if I'm hearing you correctly, is you have to look at the. The bigger picture of the relationship as a whole. And what. What about the relationship is fulfilling you and what it means to you ultimately.

And I feel my ability to look at relationships as a whole is why I'm able to have so many friends. Because every person will have things that bother you, things that, like, might, like, even be disrespectful to some level. Like on small levels. If it's a big level, then no, you know, but I have friends that I have seen them create drama before, and I know that about them, but they're really great for having fun with and, you know, going to festivals and things like that. And so I could have nothing to do with them. And they're not my inner circle, but I can still do the festival with them.

Yeah.

You know, but I'm not gonna, like, have a sleepover, like, by myself with them, you know, so I'm like. I guess I'm able to just more so focus on their light and be like, how can I experience them in their light? As opposed to some people's relational model is like, if I can't fuck with all sides of you, I would rather not, you know, and, like, keep the circle tight. And I will say, as I've gotten older, the circle does keep getting tighter and tighter and tighter. But I also find I then reweave with other people, like friends I had in college who I haven't been in touch with for 10 years. And it's like reconnecting with them for this, for that. So, like, what inspires me, for example, in other cultures, like Persian culture, Indian culture, is like, community is everything. Yeah, right. Like, you've had the same friends since the time you were a kid. Like, my dad's best friends are who he went to elementary school. They zoom every single week to this day. My dad is 73 years old.

I love.

And they never miss. They go on trips together. They are truly best all men. They talk about everything. They'll fight on the Zoom call sometimes. They'll fight. Yeah. Yeah. But they'll still all still show up.

Even after the fight, after big fights.

About Israel and Palestine and this and that and like, and they'll all. Because they are family, you know, and not blood family. They're chosen family. And it's like, like I saw that living in India is like, you just know like every day in India you're like visiting all these people and you have all these friends and you're like, oh yeah, so and so like did this thing and that and like, like. But like they are your community, you know? And I feel like in the western world we don't have a sense of community. So when someone does something, we cut that person off. Cause it's like an island between them and I and then we end up being with no friends. And it's the same thing of in dating. We're like, ah, this red flag cut off. And then you're just so great. We'll be single forever, no friends forever, Living in our fucking matrix cubicle where you control everything. But now you're just sad cause you're lonely.

Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's, you know, going back to the, you know, everybody wants the view, nobody wants the climb, nobody wants to go through the conflict, nobody wants to go through those difficult situations. And I think it is very nuanced to pick and choose when to have these conversations, you know, like, imagine if when you told me you weren't going to talk to me for three weeks.

You could have said I can't be in a friendship with you anymore.

Yeah. I could have been like, that's not going to work for me. Like I really need you right now. Or I'm going through some. What if I was going through something really hard?

Right.

Right.

And we all are always going through something. There are things in your life right now that are hard.

Yeah. So what if I could have made a choice to set a boundary. Right. Because I felt like not seen.

And I feel like even this example might sound extreme for people, but like how many friends have we had that are like, like, you don't call me enough, you don't this enough, you don't that enough. So then they rather cut you off.

Yes.

Than have you not meet this quotia of what they expect of a friend?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Which is so true.

Which is an interesting thing. It's only women that do that. And actually like I had one friend long time ago and she was like that. She was like, you're not showing up how a best friend is supposed to. And like this idea in her mind of how often best friends talk and this and that and that. I felt like a dude in a Relationship.

Yeah.

I was like, I can't give you what you need. You're better off. You'll find someone better than me.

Yeah, no, this is a really great conversation actually, because I, I have another question about that because I think it's really. We're, we're kind of digging into something a little deeper because I'm gonna put myself in the hot seat because that's what we do here, right. I consider myself a low maintenance friend. Right. Like, I consider myself, like, I'm chill, I have a routine, you know, when I wake up, you know, when I go to sleep.

And another thing that made me feel easier is you are in like a marriage. You're in a 22 year relationship.

Right.

So I'm not like, if you were single, I probably couldn't have done it actually, to be honest, because single women need each other. Because you're like on your own. But I knew she has Tori and so she'll just tell him her dream. Yeah, it's like she doesn't need me. Of course she, she would love to have me. But I was like, but she's good, you know, and so my married friends, I always know that they're good, but the single ones were a little bit more like I check in on, we're checking in on each other, right?

Yeah, yeah. And that makes total sense, you know, so, so, okay, I'm a, I consider myself a low maintenance friend, but even as a low maintenance friend, I tend to attract other low maintenance friends. And the people that are like a little bit more maintenance, there's very few of them. Right. Because I just. The bandwidth, right? We have to think about bandwidth. We've talked about this before. So if I consider myself a low maintenance friend, there is a point that I've gotten to, especially now as I, as you get older. I said this to you, right? Even back eight years ago. You know, it's like you have so many friends and I've always just still had that same circle of friends. In fact, it's gotten smaller since we've known each other. But to me, again, it's a bandwidth thing because I really want to pour myself into people. And what I find as a low maintenance friend is that I do feel like it's a little bit of a scapegoat, if I'm being honest, because it sort of like goes into that thing that you were talking about before where if you're only going to put in this much, I'm going to put in this much. Like if we're only communicating through sending reels. They're sending reels to each other. And that's our communication, and we're both cool with it. There's an agreement there, and that's fine. But here's what I found. I found that the older I'm getting and the more focused on goals or whatever it is that I'm doing in my life right now, this sort of like, next chapter, I feel like even that I don't have time for, like, I don't want to fuck with people that don't want to have a real conversation. And in fact, this was my realization during your dieta. This was our revelation. It was. I love that you came back from that. And you were like, I want to spend more in person time together.

We were rarely seeing each other, living in the same city.

Oh, my God, here you go. Calling us out.

Because that's what voice notes do. It creates a false sense of intimacy.

But I don't know that it was a false sense of intention.

It's not false. But sometimes I would see you in person. We're just like, so. No, I'm joking. But it's like, sometimes it was like, remember it would be weird to see you in person because I'm like, you're a real human.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would get tripped out.

I was like, damn. Like, I send all these things to this by phone, but there was a person on the other side. You know, it's crazy because then voice, it's not even a FaceTime, right? You know, so what the silence really taught me was like, like, also when I voice note someone, I'm in one mood. You're listening to it. You're in a completely different time space, reality, different surroundings, different time of day, different thoughts. You just had. Likely you are multitasking. Likely you are 2xing my voice because you're trying to get through it, which we all do.

I don't do that.

You should, you know, then you listen to it. You take your time to even remember all the things that were said. I take it notes. And she's taking notes. And then you send it back. Let's say then I listen to it the next morning, that thought entirely. And now I'm trying to go back of what did I even say there? And it's like we're actually missing each other.

Yes, I can see that.

Versus I'm like, at least a FaceTime call is like a moment. And you get. Not the level that you do with an in person connection, but you get more of that dopamine Oxytocin. Hit when I see someone in person or at least on a FaceTime call, because I'm seeing your micro movements of your face when I tell that story. We can laugh over the story together rather than on a voice note where you're like hahaha, fuck it and record again, like trying to match the same laugh. And it's like, you know, it's like performative. And I realize it's like, do I want to report my life or do I want to live in my life with someone? So even as I'm moving to Dubai, I'm like, I want us to. And we used to do this more in Miami, like go on a zoom call. On a zoom call. But I feel like voice notes have collectively made us all really lazy.

Yeah, well. And I also feel like in a way when you were in Miami, like we saw each other more because I came out a handful of times.

So sometimes you would make it or we would make an effort. I'm going to visit you. You're going to visit me. Now you're visiting me. We're going to go make candles now we're going to do this versus when you're in the same city. I got plans this week. This. And then it's like so easy to just not see people.

Yeah. And it's tough because I'm in the valley and you're on the west side and it's just like living in Dubai and la. You know, come to Dubai and we.

Are going to India together, which is going to be iconic.

But we've gone, we've gone on vacation together. We've. We vacationed well together, we've gone on trips, you know, so it's going to.

Be a whole other level.

I'm so excited. I'm equally scared excited. You know, I. Leaving my comfort zone is, is tough as I get older. You know, before I was traveling when we met, like I was travel, I was never home. Like I was constantly on the road. And I think post 2020, it just really created this sort of routine of like being at home and not leaving and just feeling so comfortable and, and having a little bit of that travel anxiety when I leave. You know, that kind of has kept me from going to do things because I, I've got a really beautiful home, I've got a nice life, I've got routine, I've got foods that I like to eat. You know, it's, it's sort of my focus isn't on let's go have an adventure. Which I really want to have, and I really want to do, and I. I definitely need some time away from Tori. You know, let's be real. Especially right now. It's the time.

Yeah.

So, yeah, that's why I'm. I'm saying scared. Not necessarily because I'm in fear, but it's just leaving your comfort zone. You know, it doesn't matter how many times, you know, you. You do it in life. Discomfort is. Is always a prerequisite for growth. And that's why traveling with friends, it's a great bonding experience because we're creating all of those feel good hormones. Right. We got dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin endorphins. You know, everything is sort of happening when we're in this experience. Even though you've been to where we're going, like. Like we've never done it together, and we're gonna have experiences and. And hopefully they're good.

Yeah. You know, and I feel that that's something missing today. And these friendships, these social media friendships, you don't make new memories together.

Yeah, we don't. And that's the thing. Like, this has been the longest time we've not had a girl's trip because we.

We were in the same city. Yeah. And I was traveling, so. So more than two years, you know, And I find it's like, you know, when you have those friends from college and you're like. Like, ha, ha. Remember back in college, this? And it's like, how many times can you talk about those same small group of memories? And then. So eventually the friendship sizzles away. And I feel like to keep friendships going, just like a romantic relationship, you need to make new memories. And those new memories do require, you know, planning something, getting out of a comfort zone. But I feel a lot of people tell me, they're like, I don't have a best friend. Like, I don't have a friend like you and Rosie. Like. Like, I want to go deep with someone, but I don't find people that want to go deep with me. I would go to the cave. I'm craving that level of connection, but it's like almost like everyone around me just wants to stay surface or is too busy, you know? So it's like, how do we find that person? Or how do we, like, deepen friendships that we had? I know we've done a podcast on this as well, and we'll link it below. But I'm curious, like, right now, what are your thoughts on that?

I think it's a really Important question to ask, especially because so many people are. We're in this loneliness epidemic. So many people are struggling. So many people are dealing with depression and anxiety. We're so in a world where there is so much connection. We're so incredibly disconnected. And I feel like, you know, our ability to communicate and even observe those nuances and subtleties of facial expressions, like our ability to recognize that is atrophied because we're not using it. We don't need it. You know, we.

Because a voice note, you're not responding back. Because I don't need to mirror back. That's a really interesting point that I wonder this next generation if we're even gonna have that. Yeah, it's like just tiktoking each other. They're snapchatting each other.

Yeah. I mean, there's a great book. Charles Duhigg, I just had him on my podcast. He wrote a book called Super Communicators. And he also wrote the Power of Habit, which is a really, really great read as well. But we were having this conversation about communicating and being in the same time and space and being able to actively listen and repeat back what you're hearing. And in that exchange, we're creating a bond. So those people out there who are struggling with loneliness and they're struggling with building friendships, you need to put yourself out there. Like, you have to go out. And I know that the response is going to be when I go out, people have their AirPods in or I go to a coffee shop. Everybody's doing their own thing. I feel like not everybody. And you have to continue to try.

A yoga studio is a good place.

A yoga studio is a great place. Going to events. You talk about this all the time. Going to. Yeah, eventbrite meetup.com. like, there are really great events, Ticket, web. Also, like, there are some great websites that you can go to, communities that you can join, and there are people looking for the same thing. And I think it's just a matter of, like, finding that. That synergy with. With your people. And sometimes you meet the people. It's just like dating, you know, like, you might sit with somebody and you might click or you might not, you know, and it's gonna have to be trial and error. But I think this is the part that trips people up with all this spiritual word salad that people say where it's like, oh, you have to establish a boundary. If you don't get along, it's like, oh, you just gotta move on and keep it moving. Where is the struggle? Where Is the effort. Like, there has to be effort.

And again, we've talked about this. When I met you, I was like, this is my best friend. Like, it was, it took. And we've shared our story. We'll link that below. But like, we had each other on each other's podcast. We had never met. And then I was like, oh yeah, I really like her. I was like, sharing with you ideas for your business and you were like, wow, that's so nice. And then like a year later and we saw each other at events. I think maybe we hung out once or twice or something. And then I got an opportunity to go on an ayurvedic panchakarma and they said I could invite three people. So I thought, who are three people in my life I would like to get closer with? Not my best friends. Who would I like to get closer with?

Yeah.

And I thought of three of us and the four of us became like best friends for a period of time because of that trip.

Yeah.

So I share this because it's like, who are people you want to be closer with? When you go to an event, can you invite one of them to come rather than your ride or die who's always coming to everything? Yeah.

And look, sometimes people just come into your life for a reason or for a season, and most is that. Yeah. And that's okay too. You know, we can't be so rigid and holding on to people and being like, this is going to be forever. I think the, the idea is there, but you also have to examine your own life and see what kind of relationships you've had throughout your whole life. Like, I have also those friends that I've had since I was a kid. You know, I have friends from high school that I still talk to now that I still occasionally hang out with. With. I grew up in la. I'm still in the city. I grew up. And you know, I. I go out and I still see people that I've known for 20 plus years, you know, and there is something really beautiful. Even though I'm not close with those people anymore, there's still a connection there. So. So I would implore those people to look at the connections in your life that have meant the most to you and why, you know, and if you're the type of person that maybe, you know, has sent an email or message saying, I've never had the experience of that, like, I've never been close with anybody in my entire life, then I would, I would highly recommend doing some self inquiry. And. And you know, it's like, I don't want to call you out, but it's like, maybe it's operator error, you know, so. Something to consider.

Yeah, it's interesting that you say that, and I entirely agree, because it's almost like people who say I've never been in a serious relationship. Well, is it that you've never found anyone or what your standards and expectations are not actually what's matching or something like that. So, for example, last year I went to London. I did not know anyone there. You know, I was just like, I'm just gonna live in London for. I thought I would do it for a month. And I ended up meeting this girl and we just clicked and it was just like, we had so much fun together, and we just started having so much fun together. And, like, it was like one of those soulmate kind of friendships that we, like, dove in super, super quickly. And it was just like both of us were reciprocating it and matching it. And like, to this day, she's one of my best friends. And it's like, you know, we've gone through things since then, and we haven't even seen each other for, like, almost a year, but it's like, even the thing that we went through brought us closer, you know, And I share this because I spent that whole year traveling and I met a lot of people and most almost never stuck, but one did. And I feel like that's what it is is like, you just have to keep showing up and keep being open hearted and keep, like, dating. You know, it's so easy to get jaded and be like, look, I went on seven dates and none of them worked, so dating's not working. And it's like, well, it could. It could have been the 8th. It could have been the 24th.

Yeah.

And also it's a very different vibration than like, going on a dating app or Bumble bff, which, again, I've never had success there. But most of the time, it is through what you love. Like, that's why I'm such an advocate of living your dharma, because you and I met from our dharmas, from doing what we love, podcasting. Her and I met Ayurveda, like other friends. It's always like some sort of, like, I have found, like, through what we do, also a spiritual connection. Most of everyone I'm friends with, we are all spiritual people. So if you're someone that's like, I don't have, have, have anyone I really connect with, can you live more of your purpose? Because when you're. When you finally launch your podcast, that might be how you meet people. When you finally start your coaching practice, that might be how you meet people. When you finally start hosting goddess circles, when you finally start teaching yoga, when you finally, you know, start working in events plannings or in a organic vegan kitchen or whatever that thing is. Your people are the people who are there.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. No, that's great advice. And I think, think to add to that, I would say that it, you know, it's work. You have to put in the effort. You know, you can't just expect it to manifest out of thin air. I think you can manifest the opportunity, but if you don't do anything with opportunity, nothing's gonna come out of it.

And then coming back to, like, people pleasing is like, even that word. Like, I just don't want people to hold it so hard of like, I can't be a people pleaser boundary. Know this, know that. Because I feel we just like the word narcissist. We take another word and we weaponize it and we. We go to extremes, you know, like, yes, there are narcissists and yes, there are people pleasers. Yes, there are codependents, and we have all those things inside of us, too. And if you can't admit that there's a party that's a narcissist and a party that's a codependent people pleaser, you're not being honest with yourself. You know, And I find the more we can, like, make peace with that, the more we can be in the nuance of it. Of, like, this is my range of helping this person out of the goodness of my heart, out of the empathy, out of my compassion, because they're another human. Maybe in this ch. I'm more giving than I am receiving. Because there's also chapters in friendships, too.

Yeah.

You know, like, chapters where one person needs more support and it's more about their thing and. And it doesn't need to be like, 50, 50 of. Well, you took up a month of processing, so now I need to take up a month of processing. It's just a dance. It's. It's a dance, you know, and people can give and take different things, you know, And I find it's like allowing that. Because if we're so in our heads and analyzing, like, am I receiving exactly what doing I'm giving? You will find red flags in every person and everything and then, like, end up.

What are my red flags about you?

Yeah, I mean, it's. It's not a red flag, but if you were my only friend, like, you sleep at, like, fucking 7:30pm it's like, when I start my day, like, I have no one to talk to. She said I have a different night crew. Like. Like, you're my friend for the morning. Like, I have, you know, so that's the thing. If you are my only friend, then it's like, you know, I have. I have different. I have just different friends. It's like, you don't like dancing. You know, you don't like.

I like to dance, girl.

Have you ever gone to a dance class or gone out dancing with me in your life? Or would you.

We've gone to a dance class before.

I can't remember where, but you came to my Malaika ecstatic dance and left.

Yeah, I went to your ecstatic dance.

But I was like, that's not her thing. And it was like, no.

And I also danced at the Bachelorette. I took that class. Come on, you give me some credit. Yeah, I danced when we went to the Diwali last year to Lily's party.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm gonna dance this year.

Yes, but, like, you're not my go out. And.

No, I'm not gonna go out if. Because you like to do at night.

I'm not gonna do at night. Exactly. And so. And different, like, if you want someone, like, read all the, like, novels and talk about them. I'm not gonna do that person for you because your girl cannot sit down and read a podcast.

I'm literally just, like, in heaven, just sitting there. They're reading.

Right. And so it's like, different friends for different things. And that's. And that's. The beauty of friendship is like, okay, yeah.

What else is my red flag?

A red flag.

I love that you said that. My red flag is that I really.

Honestly, like, you're, like, the most solid friend I have. Like, there's zero, Literally zero complaints about you. And I'm not even just saying it. Like, I wish I had something so we could dive into on the podcast. I have nothing here. I'll have to, like, think about it. I mean, you're good with your boundaries, but I like it. But most of your boundaries about sleeping early, I would say that's like, your main thing. Like, one thing the rose was like, Rosie processes her own relationship herself. You never come to me with. Really. You kind of complain. I mean, but you're not, like, you're not giving me what happened. And he said this, and I said that. I used to be Much more like that. Like these are the exact sentences, sentence by sentence. And let's process and this and that. And I think that's actually great because you're in a very long term relationship that like, you've just learned how to be in it.

Yeah.

And you're also like, it's a new relationship.

Yeah. But you're also team Tori. So I'm not necessarily going to come to you with certain things. Make it work.

He's an angel. That's the thing.

It's like never. You've never disparaged him in any way.

But that's the thing too.

You always take his side.

And that's the thing. Like in friendships, you kind of know who's going to give what kind of advice. Right. Like I'm always in every friendship going to be a. Makes the relationship work. I'm like, love is a rare gift from God. God brought you this to your doorsteps. You take it by the hand, take it into your heart and you think, the earth, you know, like, that is me. I will never say leave him unless shit's really bad, you know, but then other friends are like, I mean, you're more like that. You're like him. I mean, I remember my ex was like, every time he go to Advent. Rosie, you're very much like, you're too good for everyone. Like, that is yours. Except for the current dynamic I'm in. You're like, do not complain. You know, so you kind of know your friends of like. And that's. And that's what we do. We go to the friend that is going to guess us upon what we want. This is true.

This is true. So know that. Know what?

What are my red flags?

Oh my God. And on that note, didn't you write a song about that?

This about my red flags?

No, not your red flags.

I did write a song called I changed it though.

Did you?

I didn't want to glorify red flags.

Your biggest flaw is that you have none.

I think I know what my biggest red flag is, but I want to hear it from you because I gave you one.

A red flag. Okay, let me, let me see. I think that the biggest red flag. And I may have said this to you before, I don't know, but it's like kind of your red flag. But it's also like one of your greatest gifts. Gifts. So I'm kind of torn. Okay.

Like, quick to action.

Yeah, it's. It's impulsive.

Impulsive.

So. So yes, that's the one. That's your Biggest one that I think for me, it's like if I had to tell you one thing, it's like you're very impulsive. But I will caveat by saying that it's one of the qualities I really like about you. So that's why I get torn because your impulsivity. Sometimes I feel like, like I remember you would say something and again, this is my. The problem with me going to bed at 7 o' clock at night is like, it could be one thing that night I have to be prepared because the next morning it could be something completely different. Right?

Here's what it is. It's if I have, if I've made a decision, if I have a thought, I will take action on it. Right? So if I'm.

Has that ever backfired on you though?

It all works out in the end. So there's nothing ever really regretted. But there are. So for example, let's say in a friendship something is like bothering me or there's something I need to say instead of waiting three weeks to say it. I like, it's like I will need to say it like in the next 24 hours.

Yeah.

But in a way it's actually always been my blessing because we just get through it and we talk about it sooner than later rather than me waiting and then it's like right close to the thing. Like let's say, and this is not happening. But I know it's your fear that I was gonna like cancel in. You know, imagine if I actually was having that thought. But I'm like, oh my God, Rosie's gonna be so pissed. I can't let her know. I can't let her know. And then a week before India, I finally have to let you know, you know, that if I was to do it, I'm gonna do it as soon as possible to give that person the thing. And I'm. And I'm.

Are you gonna cancel it either?

By the way? I never cancel on anyone, on anything. Even if I really don't wanna go, I show up. That's one thing about me that's true. If I give my word to something, I will.

Well, but here's the problem with you and that there have been times where I know that about you and I've had to work to get you to not do something.

No, I know, I'm like, yeah, I said yes to this girls trip to New York, that they're partying and I don't even like going out or drinking alcohol. But I said I would go last year So I have to go, you know, and that's the people pleaser, you know. And then you're like, don't go. And then I said something and then, and then, thank God I didn't go. But I share this because you're. You've lived in the same place, you've lived in LA your entire life. I've never lived in the same place for more than two years.

Wow.

In my ever, you know, I mean, when I was growing up, but not since I was like 18, I didn't even go to the same college, you know, it's like. And I'm like, wow, I move really quick. And that's why my life is really interesting. But it's also like, for someone like you, you're probably like, she was here and now she's there.

And now she's there. Yeah. But to me, it's like, that's part of your charm. Like, I would never want you to be like me. How boring would that be for me to have somebody just like me? Like, I want to be able to have a friend that, like, keeps me on my toes, that keeps things interesting, that the plot twists every turn that we go. And it.

There's that funny reel that's like that friend that every time you catch up with them, they're like, so I got engaged and went on a safari and then was elected president and this. And like, how are you?

Yeah, but also. But I never want you to feel the pressure to always be that person where it's like, oh, Rosie really likes that I keep things interesting. So I got to give her, you know. Interesting.

No, I don't feel that at all. It just is who I am at this point. But also, when you're single, things move a lot faster than when you're in a relationship. Because I wasn't moving that quick when I was in my marriage. Did you see that? I was. No, no, no, not really. Yeah. When you're single, you don't have anyone else that you have to like, also them agree. And you're both moving and you both have to figure out new jobs. It takes a lot longer of a time to make a collective couple decision. When you're on your own and you work online, like, it's like you could literally live anywhere. And so I take advantage of that. You know, I'm like, I live a freedom oriented life. But yeah, I'm sure, you know, if I ever get married and have kids, it won't be as fun and interesting. But I'll try.

Yeah. See, we'll have to.

But of course, I will be honest with myself. And that's the thing also in wrapping this up is like, the person you get into a friendship with is not the person you're gonna be in friendship with. You know, like, when I met you, you were traveling all the time, and I was living in the same place. And look how it's changed. And I bet 50 more changes will happen. It's like a romantic relationship.

Yeah, that's true.

You know, it's like that verbiage of, like, men go into relationships thinking she's never going to change, and she goes into it thinking, I'm going to change him.

Yeah.

You know, but it's like a female. Female relationship. It's almost like we take those counterparts and dynamics too, sometimes that, like.

Well, the thing is, your romantic partner can't fill all the. The areas of your life. Like, they serve certain areas. And you do get that fulfillment of having a bond with somebody, having intimacy, having the physical connection, all that stuff. But you also get intimacy with friendships. There are roles for friends in our lives. That's why you need friends. You can't just, oh, be all things to. To one person. We can't be all things to all people. Right. So it's important to be able to have that dynamic. But I also just want to call out the fact that you and I can have a dialogue like this and be completely honest and feel comfortable with being like, oh, this is your red.

Flag, and I love it. I was like, oh, I want to know, because I thought you were going to say it's that I changed my mind a lot. But that's sort of related to.

It's a little bit related.

Yeah.

That's directly correlated.

And mine is that. That, like, that you sleep, and that's kind of related to you. So it's interesting how it is, the differences in us, but it's not a red flag. It's like we talked about, like, Kite Rock, you know, it's like, actually what make. We're Capricorn Cancer, which is the opposite of the Zodiac. So it's like, actually what makes us work.

Yeah, we have a good dynamic. How could I be a better friend?

Honestly? Nothing.

Yeah.

What about me? You're perfect as you are. So are you listening? So thanks for being here on this therapy session. So I hope this inspired you, like, to have deeper conversations with your friends, because we are here just, like, really raw, dogging this, and we did not know it was gonna get here. So be vulnerable with your friends. Have these conversations Maybe share this with your friends and be like, what do you feel about this? Let's share. Maybe red flag is a little bit of a strong word we use. But what is something in the friendship where you don't feel met? I mean, these could lead to some really awkward conversations, but they're good. And it's like. And it doesn't mean that that person has to fulfill it. It's just like, and now I know. Or I already have friends that fulfill this.

Yeah. Or it just helps you clarify what you're actually looking for in a relationship. Maybe this conversation helped you come up with some of your own needs.

Exactly. And I hope it also helped just like alleviate some of the confines around this whole people pleaser thing of like, I think we get so in our heads around analyzing how much we gave and did they appreciate it in this and that. And like, makes us just like lose sight of the humanity of it all. So I hope it helped you with that. But also like knowing what you value and knowing what you desire and also knowing that you can cos friendships are co created. They're not found, they're co created, you know, and the only way we can have these kind of friendships is to be vulnerable and to start having those conversations and to create that intimacy and depth. So listening to this podcast with a friend is a great way of doing so. And be sure to leave a review. And as a free gift, I will send you my womb meditation, which is a meditation that allows you to connect to your sacred feminine and receive her answers. So just head over to the podcast app on your iPhone, write a review, take a screenshot of it before you submit, and email it over to me@saharaiam sahararose.com and I will send you back my womb meditation. And you can find that email and all the links mentioned today in the show. Notes. Thank you so much for tuning in. Be sure to subscribe so you can stay in the flow for future episodes. I hope you loved it. Be sure to connect with me on on YouTube and Spotify. We have video for this as well. And I can't wait to see you in the next one. Trust your intuition. Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen. So trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance.