579: What People DON'T Want To Admit About Relationships (And Why It's Important To) with Rosie Acosta

Most of the time. The problem is the woman wishes the man had more emotional depth, asked her more questions, was more romantic, had more time for her. But then let's say you meet someone who you could go to your local Kundalini yoga studio and date one of those teachers. He will ask you all the questions of all the time for you. You have amazing tantric sex too. Then you'll say, why do you live in your mom's garage? Why aren't you ambitious now? Why don't you got your shit popping?

We do want people to change ultimately.

And here's the thing, it's like you're going to change in a relationship. Everyone's like, I don't want to lose myself in a relationship. A relationship is a death of the old self.

This is so true.

Are you always like the person that is for the relationship or like, yeah, you stay, girl.

It's like ride or die.

I feel we reach these capacities of, like, being alone. At first it's like, I don't want to be alone. I'm scared of being alone. And then it's like, get comfortable with being alone. I'm free. I can set the temperature. I can travel, I can dress, I can. This is so amazing. I think I'm gonna just be alone forever. It's so great. And then you meet someone. Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose, and on this podcast I love to talk about spirituality, matters of the heart, which, by the way, is pretty much a spiritual journey, but make it modern, fun, grounded and relatable. So I've been rocking with this podcast for eight years now, and my favorite episodes to do are with my personal bestie, Rosie, who you're gonna see. We have a lot of differences, but a lot of similarities. And every single day we have this practice of sending each other a good 45 minutes of voice notes and processing. Like we're modern day philosophers here, but even cuter. Which, by the way, are we liking the dark goddess hair here. I'm never going back obsessed. But something we've been really deliberating over is in our relationships, what are the things we're meant to settle on? The things that are like, this person's never going to meet me here and that's okay. Versus the things to strive for. Whether it is choosing someone else if you're single, or to actually say, this is important for me in a relationship. And is it true that one person can be all of these things for you? Your lover, your friend, your confidant, your business partner. Your adventure, buddy, your spiritual. Is this even possible? Cause I think we're all wanting it, but like, does it exist? And before we drop into this episode, be sure to hit subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast. That is the best way to stay up to date on the latest episodes. We've got this in video format, so if you're just hearing my voice, be sure to also watch our fabulous outfits on video as well on Spotify, YouTube or the Apple Store. The best way to stay in the flow with future conversations and also allows the podcast to reach more people. So hit subscribe so I can keep vibing with you on all future episodes. Now let's get into this one. So I don't know the answer. Maybe we'll find out in this conversation. Welcome, Rossi, to the highest self podcast.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I wish I we had a little clap track or something.

Like just make it clap. Cha cha cha, ta, ta ta.

There we go. I love when you're like, we send 45 minute voices. I'm like, 40 of that is you and then five minutes of it is me.

I have a lot of thoughts, guys, but you know what? I feel it's important. First of all, like, before we get into it, of like having friends to process a lot of these relational things with because it's like if you brought that to your man's every single time, it would be divorced.

Give us an example.

Like, I just feel as women, we feel a lot and our emotions are important for us to feel because we need to be honest with them. So let's start it there of like, for me, if you're feeling something's off in your relationship, and that might not be like the capital T truth, it might just be the lower T truth. Like capital T truth is this relationship is not working for me. Lower T truth is I'm feeling misunderstood here. I'm not feeling loved, I'm feeling this, I'm feeling that. Those are the lower T truths. They're subjective and they change. So I feel a lot of us, we instantly jump to, I gotta leave this relationship. This isn't working for me. X, Y, Z. Rather than sitting with the emotional wave. Yeah, maybe talking to a friend about it. Of like, I'm feeling this is it that and like having your own process and experience with it. Because most of the time you come back to conclusion and come come back to gratitude, you know, and we've been talking about, like how love is actually really rare and how a lot of people like the way the Media makes it seem. And I'm sorry, like, I'm so Capricorn. Like, I like to just like, say it as it is. The media makes it seem. There's plenty of fish out in the sea. Like, if he doesn't have this, just find someone else that has all of his qualities and copy paste him. Plus that. And that's just not real. It's like every single human is unique. And we as women want to say, I'm a unique snowflake. He's never going to find another person like me. We also have to see that each person is a unique snowflake. So, and I'm sharing this doesn't mean sacrifice yourself in relationships, be unhappy in relationships. But. But if your relationship has so much of what's working for you, but it doesn't have this thing. Like, maybe he's not as spiritually deep. Maybe he can't hold these long conversations about, like, emotions and this and that. Maybe he's not as romantic as you would like him to be. Maybe this, these are all things that you can either one, bring to the table or two, like receive from yourself, receive from friends. So I share this because I feel like we throw away love pretty quickly because we think, I'm gonna get all this with a bag of chips and it ain't Subway. That's what I'm gonna say.

Oh, she said it. She said it. And she's not wrong. I think there's. Well, you said a couple of things, so I'm gonna try and break it down from the beginning. First of all, the processing experience. And I think if we start there, it's. It's such an important thing in relationships to be able to, like you said, process your experience, say your emotions out loud. But I also think it's really important who you process those emotions with. Right. Because we can't be all things to all people. And I think depending on. We already have a preconceived notion of what we want to hear when we express to a friend specifically, I'm just going to be real, right? There are certain friends that we're going to go to to get, you know, the hype up. Yeah, the hype. The sort of gassing me up, you know, he ain't shit. You're better. You're so amazing.

Which, by the way, those are always the perpetually single friends. I'm just gonna say it, really. Always the ones that are like, I saw this like, funny reel and it's like me to my friends, it's like, he didn't like, propose to you on date three, Buck his ass. You could do better. And it's like. Like that same girl to men. It's like bare minimum. And it's like when you're in a relationship, you realize it's not the fantasy that people make it seem. And I feel like in the sing, it's like, keep your standards so high until someone matches it. But let's talk about some people keep their standards so high that no one matches it.

Oh. I mean, but who's going to tell that person that one?

That's the thing.

So then we have a bunch of, you know, like, delulu people out in the world thinking that they're, you know, going to get this sort of, you know, archetype of a person that doesn't exist.

And it's an important part of. I was like that too when I first became single. I was like, I am looking for.

Just take you, for example.

Okay.

Would it have been helpful at that moment for somebody, a friend to say.

To say that doesn't exist? I think it depends when. But I think ultimately, like, I came to my own conclusion. And I also. It didn't take me that long.

Yeah.

You know, of just, like, going out there and meeting people. I'm like, oh, wow. This Santa Claus fantasy that I have is very much not what exists in the world now. It doesn't mean settle on everything. You know, we've had a conversation before of, like, what's settling and what's not in relationships. And I would say the further along I go on my journey, I'm like, in every relationship, there is a settle, you know? Yeah, it's just the word settle has such a heavy. Like, you know, I settled means I could have done better, but it actually just means acceptance. Settling just means I've settled. Like, I'm a settler. Like, I've grounded. Like, I have decided that this imperfect person is enough. By the way, you can only do that when you realize you imperfect person are enough. But when we are striving for perfection within ourselves, we are striving for perfection within other people. That's the biggest thing the medicine taught me was like, girl, you are Persian Barbie here, and you're looking for Ken, and that doesn't exist. And it was like for me to become more comfortable with my fat little inner girl within myself that didn't feel like she was enough with all the ways that, you know, we all have red flags. We all have things that someone could look at. I already said yours, you sleep too early. But we all have those things. And I feel like in relationship we're waiting for someone to save us. Like, that is the shadow of the feminine. We're waiting for, like, this pain that I went through was so bad that there must be this spiritual Prince Charming, King Charming, on the other side. King Embodiment, actually, on the other side. And that's my consolation prize for all this shit that I've been through. But it's like, let's be real. It's like you go through the shit for you. It's for who you become and, by the way, who you become. You learn to trust yourself. You learn. If you're in another shit situation, you can leave. You learn how to speak uncomfortable truths. You learn how to hold nuance. It's not like I went through this shit relationship to have the perfect relationship, but rather the shit relationship taught me my shit. It was a reflection of my own shit. I'm going to meet someone else that has their own shit, and new shit is going to emerge as well. But I'm more comfortable in it now, whereas before we're in an avoidance of it.

So do you think it's avoidant for the people that are creating this archetype that doesn't exist?

Do you?

Oh, it's. Say more. Say more, though, about that.

Well, we've talked about emotional unavailability and, like, what that is. And I feel a lot of us women, like, it's so easy to point at the men being emotionally unavailable. In fact, like, most of the single men are, you know, And I have so many asterisks. I could say to that, like, men just don't have as much access to their emotions as we do biologically as well. So we're, like, comparing men to, like, us? Yes, it's like we're like the fucking athletes of emotions here.

Like, no one will surpass gold, you.

Know, it's like world champions. It's the same thing as, like, the Olympics of, like, women competing against men in, like, wrestling. Like, men have more physical muscle. We have more emotional and intuitive and spiritual muscle. And I feel that as women, when we leave relationships with, like, a Muggle kind of man, we're looking for this, like, wizard man, you know? And there are wizard men out there, but it.

And again, they're wanting to be polyamorous.

They're wanting to be polyamorous. They're peter pants. They're gonna have you paying their rent. Like, let's be real, you know? And for some people, that works. But I feel it's this journey of emotionally unavailability that we are on that we're like, I will only open my heart if it's 6, 5 Blue Eyes Finance, DA da da. Like, whatever that list is for you. And that's because we're afraid of opening our hearts to someone finding out that they're flawed, finding out they have unhealed trauma, finding out that more shit comes up and we're like, I thought I went through that journey. I thought it was done and now I'm back in this. What did I do wrong? Instead of, it's like anyone that you are in relationship with will have their shit. And there's no avoiding that.

Yeah. At all. Wow. No, I think it's so true. And I. I mean, I think it says a lot to. It speaks to where we are as a society right now, especially in dating culture and where we are in looking at it from the perspective of like, are you settling or are you striving too low? Are you striving too high? Like, how do you take an honest self appraisal of what your needs are and what your desires are and what do you bring to the table?

Have you recently gone through a heartbreak that rocked your world? And honestly, you're still maybe picking up the pieces. You've learned so much from this experience, but you also know there's so much more awaiting you and probably you have an intuitive sense that this was meant to happen for you to become your highest self. Well, I've been there. At the end of 2022, I found out that my then husband had been Che me and it was the most horrible news I've ever gotten. But now looking back on it, I can say it was my life's greatest blessing because without that I would have never left the marriage where honestly, we were quite incompatible in many different ways. But it took me getting to that level for me to actually see what was not working in the relationship and for me to set off and create this new life where I traveled the world for a year, started producing music, singing, rapping, dropped an album called My Body is an Altar that has hundreds of thousands of streams around Spotify. Creating music videos, moving to la, dressing in these really cute outfits, becoming my fullest expression, and most importantly, not having anything in my consciousness that I'm afraid of anymore. I have become truly liberated. And that is the gift of a heartbreak. So all my friends would come to me when they would go through their heartbreaks. I know a lot of people are in it right now and this is why I've decided to create my ultimate heartbreak healing course. So it guides you step by step with the exact tools and realizations that I used on myself during my heartbreak that have allowed me to not just heal from it, but become this version of me that I am frankly obsessed with. So for 33 days, every single day, I will be guiding you through a practice journal prompt will be writing poetry, healing and transmuting so much. But most importantly, taking this as the opportunity for you to become the version of you that you've always felt it was too soon to be. So I'm so excited for you to get started. As soon as you join the course, you can get started on day one. I have seen insane transformations and I can't wait to see what awaits you on the other side. So head over to iamsaharrose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50. Again, that's I am Sahara S a H a r a rose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50 off. You can find that link in the show notes and I'm super excited for you to meet the version of you that's on the other side. So you may already know, but we are surrounded with EMFs, Wi Fi, all sorts of disruptors that really wreak havoc on our nervous system. So that's why when you go out in nature, you feel amazing all of a sudden. Well, it' actually just because these effects are more neutralized. However, you don't only have to be in nature. Lila Quantum has created their new quantum block technology that have been shown in various placebo controlled blind studies to neutralize emf, optimize HRV and improve the blood. You'll feel more invigorated, less stressed and more in control of your body. Because stress is a known element in aging and this is why it's so important to manage it to have a longer and happier lifespan span. I actually had the founder of the technology on the podcast, Philip, and there was so much incredible information. I'll link that below as well. Plus they have a travel size one which I'm bringing with me because let's be real, when you're out in hotels, there's so much different wi fi and EMFs there and this is really helpful. So get 10% off your first Leela Quantum tech order with code Sahara@leelaq.com that's Leela L E L Q dot com with code Sahara for 10% off and you can find that in the show notes. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your Inner guidance. So I'm curious for you. You've been in your relationship for 22 years now, approaching on 22 years, and you've shared the story, and we'll link some of those episodes. But for you, like, did you ever write down a list of, like, these are my needs in relationship. Am I getting these needs or not? Or was it like kind of this unconscious thing?

I think, in the beginning? No, I. I didn't, because I didn't really know what I was looking for. I. I kind of knew what I wanted. In fact, I did have a list that I wrote when I was 13, and Tori checks all of those boxes, and I'm not gonna divulge what that.

List was, but mine was Ja rule.

So it's just like, one happy with my babe.

I'm glad I did. I'm glad I didn't manifest that. That would have been a real fire. But this is the thing.

Are you so glad? So here's the thing.

So glad I didn't manifest everything I ever wanted.

Right. This is. This is my point.

I love my break, man.

Imagine, oh, my God, I'm dead. I'd be like, what is happening right now?

So did you ever reach a point, you're in the relationship and you're like, wait, he's not meeting these needs. That need. These. Those needs. I need to leave the relationship.

Yeah, 100%. I think when I was probably about your age, I was going through, I.

Tell you, your age. You mean all the time? Back when I was your age.

I can remember when I was like, whoa.

Third at three.

I always like to flex when I have had the, you know, the elder. Don't burn yourself. I know the elder.

I want you to be the parent here. Steal me from the fire. Do you want me to take care of this?

So she was not happy in my. When I was your age, I was going through a, you know, really sort of spiritual awakening, I would say, and I was not getting my needs met. You know, Tori was so not the person that I was envisioning myself to be. Yeah, I wanted somebody that was, like, more spiritual, that was more present, that listened more, that was, you know, intellectual. Somebody that was excited about, I don't know, traveling and. And, you know, being spontaneous and. And he is those things. But at that moment in time, he wasn't. And. And, you know, Tori's a very grounded person. You know, he's a very sort of, like, focused and career oriented, and he's also very creative, and we're just in two different phases. Of our lives. And it happens in relationships almost always. Right. And so I think that this is where I sort of, you know, having gone through that experience, see other people that are getting divorced or having a really hard time. See, I'm the friend you call when you wanna. You just need a little bit of like a purge, you know, and you're wanting to just refocus and you need, you know, a little pep talk.

Are you always, like, the person that is for the relationship or like, yeah, you stay, girl. Yeah. Me stay? Yeah.

It's like ride or die. Like, we're in this.

But see, because, like, we have nothing in common. I'm like, find a new hobby together.

Yeah, exactly.

Love is a gift. Appreciate it.

Totally. And it's like love is so rare, you know, to be able to. To take it in.

And.

And I am so grateful now that I didn't break up with Tori when I wanted to break up with him, because it's like, where would I be telling you to. People were telling me to. People were saying, like, he's never going to be single. Here's the interesting thing. The people at the time, they weren't. But at. But looking back, all the people that told me to leave him have gone through a divorce are not happy and in healthy relationships and even post divorce. Even post divorce. Right.

It's crazy because you think, oh, I went through this divorce so I will have the better relationship. But maybe it's. You're looking for something that doesn't exist.

Well, here's the thing. Most people want what's better. You know, it's like we're. That's the nature of the mind.

And you always say that every time. Yeah, mind always wants.

The mind always that. But that's. The nature of the mind is not designed to be content. That's not the nature of the mind. The mind is to calculate what is better, what is riskier.

The mind is not designed to be content. I think this is a big aha moment for a lot of us.

Yeah. But it's not. Yeah. Your brain is designed for survival. And so when you are in comfort in a comfortable place, it's either going to be one of two things. You're going to cling then to that desire. Right. Going back to Buddhist ideology, you're clinging then. And so as you cling, you will suffer because ultimately you will lose that. It will change. It's inevitable. Change is the only constant. And now if you look at it from the perspective of, okay, if I'm comfortable and everything's Good. Is this really good? Is there something better? Can I be with somebody better? And here's the problem with us being an ocular society. We are constantly looking at what's outside of us. With the advent of social media, with, you know, advertisements, with, you know, having the signs of everything around us being more than we are, then it creates that. That feeling of lack. It's like, oh, my partner doesn't act like that. How the would I know what your partner acts like if you're not posting it on a highlight reel? And which, by the way, most of the time that highlight reel is not real. You know what I'm saying? It's like, I would love for these relationship people who are like, you know, posting all these reels of holding hands and traveling together. It's like, what do you like when you're not filming? Because. Because with as much filming as you're doing here with your mate, are you able to fully connect with them? Like, are you really able to connect with them in a vulnerable, authentic way and accept that they might not ever be that ideal version that you might have?

This is the question that comes to my mind that I don't know the answer to is like, then when do we settle too quickly? You know, because it's like, for example, I have our mutual friend who, you know, he was dating another friend, and it was just a relationship that they were, like, always kind of processing through a lot. Like, they really loved each other, but it was always something, you know, that made them not really sure. And so you could take the perspective of, you guys are made for each other. You know, they had so much in common, so much beauty, so much community around them make this work. And they could have taken that perspective, but instead, eventually they parted ways, and this friend is now engaged to someone that he really loves. And I'm sure that relationship has its own shit, but I'm sure he's glad that he didn't settle for the really difficult relationship. So it's like, how do we know? Can we know, like, which relationship are we settling too much on?

I think it's an elusive question. I don't actually think that's the right question. I think the right question is, what is your shortcomings in that relationship? Because that specific relationship, as beautiful as it was, right, I think that it could have worked. And I think what happens is our ego gets in the way. Because as much as people might say that they don't want to make somebody else something that they're not, we do. We want to change People, it's the first thing that we do when we get into relationships, especially as women, like, oh, I'm gonna change him. Or, like, I could change that, or we'll fix that, or we'll make him stop that. And most of the time, we're magical sorcerers. We can, you know, and it. And most of the time, it does work because of the influence that we have.

And most of the time, it's beneficial. It's like 100.

But. But the issue then becomes, when you're looking at it from the perspective of the ego, in certain situations, it's like there are certain people that want the relationship to fill the voids of other areas of their lives. And I think a lot of the times that's what goes wrong in relationships. We want that person to be all things to us at all times.

But then how do we know? Like, for example, I have this other friend that, you know, she was in her 20s, living in New York, so it was a bit of a different time. But she would date a lot of people. She was always meeting people out. And so when she was really looking for her husband, she said towards the end, she would meet people that it was like, so much love, so many great things, but they didn't have this one thing. And it would be hard for her, but she would leave that relationship knowing that she could find this person. And who she ended up marrying, she would say is most of what she was looking for. So whenever I talk to her, her perspective is like. Like, keep dating. Keep dating.

What is the thing, can I ask.

Like, that she was really looking for?

Yeah.

Someone that had time for her. That was really the thing she was looking for. So she was meeting a lot of successful men in New York who did not have time. And the thing that she knew that she needed, you know, one could say, get over your anxious attachment style. Don't be codependent. But she was like, I know myself, and I would be happiest with someone who I could do everything with. That's what she wanted. Who also was independently wealthy, so he can provide her this amazing. So it sounds Delulu.

It does, right? Yeah.

He's getting his money from his parents, and he has all the time for you. And he's in his masculine wants to serve you. And this. Most people would say, you're crazy. Yeah, she found that. She really did. He's not perfect, but she's feeling very satisfied in that relationship. So I say that because I think.

But for a lot of people that you just kind of skated over that he's not perfect. There are some of those not perfect.

Things would be deal breakers for other people.

Exactly.

He has certain deal breakers that are not deal breakers for her.

Great.

You know, but the main thing that she wanted, she is receiving. Right. And she would say, even so. And even so much more. He's very caring, very nurturing, you know, so then when you hear that as a woman or even listening to this podcast right now, you're like, oh, like, that exists. Like, I'm gonna keep looking for that. But it's like, was she lucky? Did she just date enough? Was it destiny? Was this desire in her for. It's like, I don't know. You know, I really don't, because I see a lot of women are looking for this Christian gray figure, you know, and it's like, most men are not that. You know, my spiritual perspective is like, we don't even choose who we love. Like, we can have all of these lists and all these things, but it's like, the divine will decide for you. So I do feel these lists are coming from our inner remembrance of, like, I'm meant to be with this kind of person. My soul is, like, remembering little tidbits of them, but I. And I. So I know they were like this, and I know they were like that. And that's what these lists are coming from. But we also have different versions of the lists. Yeah, that. We have some toxic versions of lists, some shadow versions of lists, and the journey is like, how much healing work do we need to do to be in that relationship? And are there relationships where it's like, I completely accept you exactly as you are, Nothing thing would need to change, and I would be so happy in it. Does that exist?

Yeah, I think that a. A more helpful perspective, just to sort of agree with what you're saying. I would say, instead of sitting there and making a list of what you want, make a. When you meet somebody that's amazing, make a list of why they would be great partners. Instead of being like, here's all the things that you're not. It's like, what if we start making lists for people that we meet and that we connect with of all the reasons why they would. Instead of thinking, oh, this doesn't. You don't have this, you don't have that. It's like, you're perfect. Except, yeah, like, you have, you know, porn addiction and you have this, and you have this problem, and, you know, like, don't ask me enough questions or whatever. You know what I mean?

Yeah. But Then what are the things that are actual deal breakers? And I feel that's like easier said than done. You know, people are like, oh, a guy that watches porn is a deal breaker. It's like, realistically, most of them watch, you know, are you really going to walk away from a relationship because you watch his porn? Some people might.

Yeah, some people might. And I think that that's ultimately it just comes down to you knowing yourself because you asked a question right before. How do you avoid settling too quickly? You know, And I feel like it's all just subjective and it all really stems from your ability to be full and complete within yourself. And I know that sounds like self help word salad. Like we hear it all the time. It's like, make yourself happy, love yourself first. Yes, all of that is really important. And also be open to the fact that there's somebody really awesome that might not check off everything on the list. Case in point, you might meet somebody that isn't six foot, blue eyes.

I think the height thing is just like, that needs to stop.

Right?

So many women, that's the thing that's holding them back.

I don't understand it.

I understand, of course, biologically you want a tall guy. It makes you feel safe, but it's like, are you really gonna let that hold you back?

Yeah, some women do.

And then that's why they're perpetually single.

Right.

Or a tall guy who, you know, they say a lot of tall guys don't have to work on their personalities as much. Right. Because they just stand and people talk to them, you know, so it's like I say, go for the short kings.

She said that show. I mean, I'm with you, you know, I'm totally with you. I've never understood when people have. And look, I have friends that have really strong opinions about their list and you know, guy friends that are like, I only want to date a girl that's, that's blah, blah, blah, this tall and looks like this and works out in his fit, whatever. And. And then they marry or impregnate them. And then it's like they hate the fact that they're not ambitious enough or that they're not, you know, that they are not great conversationalists, that they're not deep or that. And it's like, oh, you should have thought of that before you manifested this person into your life.

And then let's say they married a deep, amazing conversationalist who wasn't attractive enough for them. And then they'd be complaining about not fit enough and it's like, this is our problem as humans. Here's the.

But here's the thing. I really believe that no matter what you get, there's always going to be a part of you that is going to think that you can do better. 100 so. So why not just.

But it's more women who are like this, by the way. Men are not like, I, you know, I grew up with a brother a year younger than me. And yeah, men who are in relationships really aren't. Like, I could be doing better right now. Like, I'm sure they find other girls attractive, but they're like that, that's my wife. It's a woman. Because we are the ones who are comparing more. We're the ones who are talking about our relationships more. We're the ones that have really high standards for things. And most of the time, the problem is the woman wishes the man had more emotional depth, asked her more questions, was more romantic, had more time for her. It's always, it's always those things.

Okay, well, let this.

But then let's say you meet someone who you could go to your local Kundalini yoga studio and date one of those teachers. He will ask you all the questions of all the time for you. You have amazing tantric sex, too. But then you'll say, why do you live in your mom's garage? Why aren't you ambitious now? Why don't you got your shit popping? Why don't you go to the shit popping? He's working. You're like, why do you live all the time?

Why do you live in a tent?

Yeah, it's like an archetype is going to come with certain, like, archetypal things. You know, you want someone who's really ambitious. He's likely not going to have a lot of time for you. You want someone that has a lot of time for you. He likely doesn't have a lot going on. Like he. It's like there's something always has to give. And then what I hear from women, what I'm psychically hearing you say, and I feel you is. But I don't have those red flags. But I'm well rounded. And it's, it's true. Because we women are more well rounded. We are, yeah. We take care of our bodies, we take care of our health, we take care of each other. We live our purposes. We take care of like we do so much as women, especially with the rising of the feminine and the way that we're like doing our deep healing work and empowering Ourselves that I actually do think it's like the bar is at different levels right now, as at a whole. It's like the woman, I love you men, but it's like the woman have, in general, out past the men in terms of, like, consciousness. Right. The men are rising. And I feel a lot of men right now, it's such a beautiful time that they're hitting their dark nights of the soul where they're like, I'm in so much pain. I'm in so much suffering. The way of the ego is no longer working for me. Something needs to change. And we, as women, our job is to be like, yes. Not like, I knew that 20 years ago. It's like. Like, like support them. Like, really support them. Which means, like, also for us, like, getting off of our, like, teacher. I know everything. And just, like, letting them have their journey. And, you know, I think another big thing that a lot of us spiritual people struggle with is like, I don't want to be his healer. I don't want to be his teacher. And it's like, do you believe that that's even possible?

No. Why? Because it's just not. You know, I think. I think the desire of not wanting to be the healer and the coach is just coming from a place of we want to be taken care of.

Yes.

That's it. That's all it is.

But I think they all want Daddy.

Yeah. And here's the thing. We can feel that. And I think that when we have that part of us fulfilled, I think this brings us back to the question that you posed in the beginning or that we have talked about. That person's not going to fulfill all of your needs. You're not gonna be able to process everything with this person. Sometimes your mate isn't the person that you're gonna process certain feelings with.

To be honest, sometimes your mate is not the person you're gonna process your deepest feelings.

Yes. This is.

That's the thing that people don't talk about. We process our deepest feelings, you know, because men just can't hold the nuance in general. Straight men cannot. That we, as women can. Especially us who, like, are careers, are spirituality and healing and holding space. And you're starting to become a psychologist even. It's like, so it's like, if I've had creme de la creme, like, I can't settle for subway listening of like, yo, that's sick.

You know? I don't know.

We're laughing because we have our question of the day that we do with each Other on our voice memo, bring that to your bestie. So while I was in Guatemala, I was like, rosie, I like, I can't talk for 10 days. And that sent her through a spiral. 10 days. So she had to bring the question of the day. She would come with questions of day and share them with Tori, her partner.

And his response to those questions was, I don't know. She's like, what do you think is.

The meaning of a relationship in the 21st century?

He's like, I don't know. I don't know. I literally could not have had a deeper, deeper. Just, we would have been like, we're in the container.

Let's diving in. And so, so how did you feel when you were like, oh, I have something really pressing in my soul I want to dive into. I'm excited about this. And he could not meet you. How did you feel?

Oh, I was angry. I was annoyed. I was just like, you know, it's, it's. I would be lying if I occasionally didn't go into the. Am I with the right person?

Yes.

Right. Am I with the right person? And that's honest. And I'm, and I, I, I'll say it to him, you know, because I think it's, it's also healthy to express those things, however, in a very tactful way. You know, I, I think that my edge is sometimes I can get a little bit annoyed and aggressive with, with the way I say things after 20 plus years, you know, you know people very well. And I think that this specifically when you fulfill certain parts of me and you're not there, and I'm trying to get it from, you know, I'm trying to get like, you know, chocolate latte from a water dispenser.

It's like, Tori ain't the highest of podcast. Let's just say that. But you're processing your thoughts with someone who talks for a living, right?

Totally. And I get that. And I think. But I think.

But then here's where I feel lonely too, in dating and stuff.

At night when I'm not around.

Yeah, at night when you're not around. And then I'm like, in the dating game. I'm like, oh, my God, am I gonna feel if I was stuck in a deserted island with this person? Like, can I really go there with them? You? And I feel like a lot of time it's like the men are interested in it, and once I tell them, they get it, but they're not adding to it.

Yeah. But I really believe in my view on relationships has changed so much since we've gone through a divorce. Right. We've learned so much about the human condition and relationships and our deepest desires and. Exactly. I mean, my relationship has changed because of you. So I think it's really beautiful to, to see this is how we have to be in relationship. We're in. In relationship in community. That's the only way that it'll work. It's like that's why we raise children and raise families in tribes, not on an island. It's like, I appreciate the sentiment of if you were on a desert, but we're not, you know, and when you do isolate like that, I don't actually think it's good. I think that the people who create this little container and go and they build their, you know, family lives and they go and isolate. Like, I would be curious to really see long term how that works. I don't think it does. I've seen it happen before. I speak from experience. It doesn't. You know, the people that isolate like that, most of the time, they'll end up in divorce. You know, they'll. They'll end up resenting their partner. Because we are designed to be with other people. We are designed to share our experiences, our. Our problems, our grievances. You know, our partners have to have the, the, the space and the opportunity to share with the. Their other counterparts. Like, we're in heterosexual relationships, right? So it's like men can go talk to other men or even if they have girlfriends, they can go talk to. My man's not gonna talk to any girls about our relationship. But, you know, gotta have the toxic Latina come out once in a while. But for us, like, to be able to process that, I think as a community is. Is super important.

What is your unique type of intuition? Are you someone that feels things in your body? Sees a vision for something? Hears a voice in your head? Or just who knows? This quiz is going to help you understand your unique intuitive type and how you can take action on it in creating a career that honors your intuitive gifts. All right, let's get into it. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. My favorite part of the holidays is, honestly, traveling. For me, I never really grew up as a big Christmas or holiday person. So for me, it was a time to really go out there and explore. However, sometimes it can be hard and triggering when everyone else is with family and you're single. So whatever holidays bring up for you, it's really important to talk to someone about it through therapy. So I highly recommend Giving better help a try. It's therapy that's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your needs. You just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch them at any time. So find comfort this December, no matter where you are, with better help. Visit betterhelp.comsahara to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h e l p.comsahara and you can find that link in the show notes. Happy holidays. So trust your intuition. Trust you in the wisdom. Trust you in the guidance. Yeah, I, I agree with you. And I also question, like, I do see some couples that, you know, live by themselves in the middle of nowhere and they have other friends that they're in touch with on the phone, but not. There's no one physically around them and they are very happy and they're in long term, seven, eight year relationships, you know, and it works for them. So then it makes you, I'm just being real. It makes you question, does a relationship like that for me exist with someone that I could literally be living in the middle of nowhere with and they fulfill so many of my needs.

But here's the thing that, the thing that you and I have talked about before, and this is where it's like we have to pose on something because that's what makes us interesting. I don't agree with that at all. I think that, you know, when you have a sort of archetype of a relationship, let's say that there's a relationship archetype that you really like. I don't actually think it's a good archetype. And I, and I still will stand by the fact that this will not last, I promise you. Like, I really, really don't think it will last. I think it's beautiful and the story is great. But I re. The foundation of a relationship is so important. It's so important. And I think that, you know, we talked about it earlier. Maybe my red flag, like something that's a red flag for me might not be a red flag for you. Right. But ultimately there are red flags across the board that are just red flags, like regardless. And, and I think that's where community really comes into play with, with creating that accountability because sometimes you're isolated out. Of course you're going to be happy. You're not around anybody who's reflecting anything that's going wrong. So everything's going to be amazing and beautiful and great. Right? Because you don't have anybody around to say, like, that's kind of up. Or are you sure about this? Or that was kind of. I don't know about that. That I wouldn't be okay with that, you know, not that you need other people's opinions. And at the end of the day, you have to have the autonomy.

I guess I wonder, like, how much of that is even helpful, though, because a lot of times community getting involved in your relationship. Yeah.

No, and I'm not saying community should get involved in your relationship. I'm saying that your community should help support your relationship. Support is different than I'm gonna be all up in your business.

But what is support? Okay, like, let's say you and your man are. Are having trouble. You're like, I'm not sure if Tori's right for me.

Yeah.

Is it that your community, anyone you call is always gonna be team Tori? And is that what's supportive of, like, making sure you realize you're his value and you stay in the relationship? Or is the most supportive community just, like, differences of opinions?

I think that's a really good point. I think for me, the fact that I am supported and surrounded by everyone who's team tour, that to me is a sign of like, oh, maybe he is a good person. Maybe I do have a good thing. It's not that I'm surrounding myself with yes. People, because that's not the case. Because the people I surround myself with are very opinionated and they wouldn't have any problem telling me exactly how it is. I think that that's what. What the point is, you know, if you have people that have a good head on their shoulders, that understand discernment, that are. That understand nuance, that are willing to hold whatever you bring to them without, you know, changing their opinion over your partner. It's like, if you're coming to me and you're telling me that your boyfriend is. You're having a fight and he's being passive aggressive or whatever, you know, I have to hold that from the perspective of, like, how am I looking at it, at the relationship as a whole? Not like, oh, fuck him, like, break up with him. Like, what are you doing? You can do so much better. Because I know how much influence I can have over you. And if I were to say that, then all of a sudden you're going to leave a relationship that's really good. Because what of some little thing that happened when I'm in your tribe and I can see the hole and I'm like, no, this is a good guy. Like, he just needs a Little help. He needs a little support, you know. But if I'm just like, no, fuck him, you can, you can do better. That list, like, you can find that list, right? So it's like sometimes I even with you, like, I'll ask you, like, what version of me do you want, right? But I also have to have that discernment of I'm looking out for you, for your best interest. And I think that ultimately having a community that you're with, you want them to look out for your best interests. Because it's very nuanced, right? A tribe. If you have a guy friend that likes you for sure, and you go to this guy friend and you're like, oh, this thing happened with my boyfriend and da da, da, da. He could be like, oh, this is my inn. And all of a sudden it's like, yeah, I don't know about that. You know, when I would say this before, it was because I was already talking to somebody else, you know, And.

I, for me, I'm like, I really, I try not to ask for advice. I will share how I feel, but I try not to ask for advice because do know how swayed I can be, you know? And that has been a journey for me and, and something that I've really challenged myself for six months. Do not ask for any kind of advice on relationships, on anything, to really start to trust my own inner voice. Because if I'm at a high and I'm like, oh my God, this person's so amazing, you're like, yeah. And then if I'm at a low, you're like, oh yeah, this is gonna work. Then I'm back on a high. You're like, wait, no, but didn't you remember it wasn't gonna work? And it's like, it's just, you have to now almost keep explaining, like, oh, no, he actually was good. And like, prove to your friends. And so I feel a lot of us when our intuition, but at the same time, when you've been in a relationship that didn't serve you, you're like, can I even trust myself? You know? And so you look for all these sounding boards for people. But the other nuance I want to share is when you're in a long term relationship, like you are, you do want to have people around you that are for the relationship, right? You want to be around happily married people as much as possible, right? I think this conversation gets a lot trickier when you're dating, okay. Because you're like this thing that I see that could be a Deal breaker. Do I work with it, or is this the thing that's going to eventually end the relationship?

Yeah.

Because you don't have much stake in the game. It's still fluid. So I feel in the dating stage, it's the time that you have to be really honest with yourself. Of like, I really don't like this thing, or I don't feel met in this way. I don't feel met in that way. But the next stage of that is, is that going to be enough to make me leave the relationship? Cause I think if we really sat with anyone, we would find things.

Sure. But here's the thing. Like, I hear what you're saying, especially in the beginning. You're dating somebody, you're kind of unsure. You're not really invested. There's not enough skin in the game. You could kind of take it or leave it, you know, and it's like.

And they say be choosy in dating and forgiving in marriage.

Right. And this is true, you know, and it's like, I would. My question to you or whomever is like, look at dating like this. What are the compromises you're willing to make with, like, I don't know, like, going on a date with Adam Sandler or the opposite.

Is that supposed to be an eligible bachelor?

Well, yeah, I don't know. Like, I don't know.

People are trying to date Adam Sandler.

I'm trying to think Adam Sandler or like, Adam Sandler or Jason Momoa. Right? So it's like, there are certain parameters that you would set going on a date with Adam Sandler as opposed to Jason Momoa. Do you understand what I'm saying? So there are certain things that going on a date with Jason Momoa, all of a sudden you're willing to compromise, Right. You're just like, okay, I don't mind that he. Whatever. Smokes cigarettes. Like, if Adam Sandler smoke cigarettes, all of a sudden, it's a deal breaker. It's like, no, no, no, that's not okay.

Yeah, I think we're willing to compromise on more when there's more positives. But then you could get into situations where it's like, so much is amazing, but there's this, like one giant thing. And I think in every relationship, there's going to be a giant thing. You know, it's like there's always going to be like, what? Like, for example, for a lot of women, a man that has kids. For some people, that is a deal breaker. And for some people, it's something that they really sit with and then are like, that's not for me. You know, most women that I see will, I think especially when you're in your 30s or something, if they really, really love the man will be with a man who has a child. I've seen it with many of my friends. But it does end up being the biggest thing in the relationship because of everything that it comes with, you know, men not prioritizing their wellness as much as women. I see that happen a lot. Especially if men are like in that building stage of their business. Women are like, yep, can.

Can they change that?

That is something that can change. You know, prioritizing your wellness. That is something that can change. But I think a lot of women come back to like, I don't want to have to change. You know, that's where I think we get confused of like, if you were to never change, would I accept you as you are?

Come on.

This is. And I think that's. I think we have to admit that that story was bullshit. Yeah, that's because everyone's going to change regardless.

Come on. Like this whole. They are going to change. And, and people do change. And I'll tell you what, if he's not. But actually there is one thing that Tori one time said. I don't like that. Please don't do that. And I never did again. You put the shoe on the other foot. There's been so many things that I'm like, I want you to change. I want you to do this.

I want.

But he's really changed and it definitely has been a force.

He goes to sleep really late now. He sleeps at 8pm and he resents.

Every minute of it. He resents it so much. But. But just going back to what you're saying this, like, we do want people to change ultimately.

And here's the thing, it's like, you're gonna change in a relationship. Everyone's like, I don't wanna lose myself in a relationship. A relationship is a death of the old self.

This is so true.

It is. And it's the birth of a new self. And it's like I feel we reach these capacities of like being alone that it's like, at first it's like, I don't wanna be alone. I'm scared of being alone. And then it's like, get comfortable with being alone. And then it's like, I love being alone. I'm free. I can set the temperature. I can travel. I. I can. And then it's like, this is so amazing. I think I'M gonna just be alone forever. It's so great. And then you meet someone and then it's like, oh, I really like this person. But then it's all of the fears of, but I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose my glow up. I don't want to lose all this newfound freedom and, and confidence. And I don't want to go back to the old relationship version of me, you know, which we had this question that we brought up. We did you always see women glow up after relationships? Is it possible to glow up, up in a relationship? What do you think?

I think I want to believe. Yes. But there has to be an. There has to be a reason for it. Either like an anniversary or a wedding or there has to be like a. A reason for it. I. I don't know that it's just going to happen spontaneously because it's like, what? Okay, but first define what a glow up is. Just so, so we. We're clear.

I feel at the end of relationships, women often in the relationship will like, forget about themselves. Right. They're so woman. We give, we give, we give. So then another thing that happens too is like, I witnessed myself in my relationship that when I started dating him, I was going out to eat a lot, and I was eating what he ate, and he is a guy with a fast metabolism, and I was a woman with a slower one. And so I started gaining weight.

Yeah.

And then eventually I was just like, yo, I can't keep up. Because it's like, especially when you're dating someone that's like, you want to eat cookies together and you want to get the dessert, you want to da, da, da. And I was just like, I can't do this anymore. But we do going out to dinner together, like, this is the thing that we do. And it's like to be like, no, we're gonna cook. And then it feels like almost like a step back and like the fun of the relationship, you know, but it's like, you can't do that dating all the time stage forever, you know? So I would say that I did consciously choose to have a glow up, and I did actually majorly glow up in my relationship. I would say, yes, I majorly did. Yet I glowed up way more.

But, you know, but I think the incentive is different. You know, I think that so. So the answer to your question, can you glow up?

But I just keep blowing up every day. It doesn't stop. No. And I would say, even no matter what, once you've had like a real glow up. Like once you've turned yourself around, now you know it.

Yeah.

You know, and it's like, so you never want to go back to sweats every day and forgetting about what you look like. And so I'm sorry. So excited in my future relationship to like bring in the outfits, bring in the swag, and like, keep taking care of myself. And it doesn't. And so it's like almost like once you've had that one dark night glow up, it's like the glow up is within.

Yes, I believe that 100%. I think that once you've had the experience of the glow up, it. It's a template. It. All it needs is just a little reignitement and, And I think it's possible 100%.

Men always glow up in relationships. I've seen these like, reels and it's like the before and after, like, girlfriend effect. And it's like the guys have like, no style. Unhealthy. Yeah. And we like make them happen.

But this is the thing too. It's like men always get. And there is a statistic and I'm sort of like, you know, curious to look it up. But the amount of, of, of men that get hit on after, like post relationship, to what, how they, how often they got hit on prior to getting in a relationship is substantially more because.

He'S dressing better, he's taking care of himself more, he's got energy.

But same for women. Women, it's the same thing.

Interesting.

Yeah. Women in relationship, when you are in the.

I feel like when I'm in a relationship, I'm like, don't look at me.

Yeah, but I think that that's your own thing. I would imagine that when you are in a good place or you're talking to somebody, all of a sudden certain people want to hit you up and talk to you, slide into your dance.

Yes, energetically. Yes, it's felt. But I would say when a woman is single, all of a sudden she starts peacocking. She's like, I need to find someone else. And that becomes her motivation to get fit, dress better, go out. Never in my life would I leave the house at night. And I did that for multiple months. I would not do that again. But I tried it and it was not worth it at all.

But would you, would you do it again?

I needed to. I think that's part of the single glow up of like, I'm gonna go outside a club. And then I was like, I'm way too old to be here. Kids where are your parents? But I do feel it is. And you see it happen. But it's like, it's so interesting because it's all like stages and seasons. Because then I see some women who are like out in their, like 50s, like the Cougars, and I'm like, I pray to God that that's not me, you know, like.

But what if they're living their best life?

And I think that's the perfect chapter for where they are at, you know? And maybe it will happen again for me. I hope not.

Yeah. Like, what if you're, you know, in your 50s and you're like, I'll make.

The best of it.

You're like, let's go to a Grammy party, you know?

Yeah, but I'm just too tired for even watching them, let alone going to them at this point. Point. But coming back to settling, I do also feel that when we are not in a relationship yet, we fantasize about the things. And it's like, as things get more and more and more real, the feminine will always want more. So we're like, but is there this or is there that and is there that? So it's like the more you go into the relationship, the more you're going to learn things about yourself that you're going to want, the more you're gonna see what's possible in other people's relationships. So it feels like a never ending target. However, it's still one worthy of having. Because I do feel it's those things that you're like, oh my God, my relationship isn't that like, he doesn't have the emotional depth, he doesn't ask me enough questions, he's not romantic enough. It's like, that doesn't mean you have to accept that in the relationship. But it's like, how can we bring that in? You know, whether it's having a conversation, whether it's like, like, you know, inspiring them to act a certain way. So what would you say, like, you know, with your partner, if someone is like, I wish my person could. Yeah. Dive deeper with me. Could we even ask that of someone if it's not innate to them?

I think if it's something that you really want, you have to be okay with you being the person to drive the boat.

And women are the leaders in love.

Yeah. And I think I remember. Do you know that article that came out? I think the New York Times or one of like a big News outlet, the 36 questions for falling in Love. Have you ever seen that? So I remember like, oh, years ago, like, when it first came out, I remember doing it again about a decade ago. But I wanted to go through all the questions with Tori, you know, and.

So what are some of these questions? I don't remember.

It was like, you know, if you could have. I'm just making this up. I actually don't remember. But something like, if you could have dinner with three influential people, living or dead, who would they be and why? They're, you know, just deeper, deeper questions, you know, like, what are some places you. You want to see before you die and why, you know, what is your most treasured memory? And so I think for me, I wanted to have that. And he would answer them. He was always really open. But then this thing started to happen where I realized. Actually, no, I didn't realize. I started to become resentful at the fact that I was always the one. Why do I always have to ask these questions? Why can't you want to know these things about me? Right? Why can't you love me how I want you to love me?

Also, don't you love. When you ask a man a question, he's like, oh, good question. He answers. And he doesn't ask you back.

And he doesn't ask you back. This was 100%.

But I think they're all like, this girl. Yeah, all of them. No, I know.

I know. You know, and this is the thing that back then, I actually. One of my teachers, you know, I. I brought this up to him at one point, and I just said, I. I just don't know if I'm the right person. You know, he doesn't want to go into these deep conversations, like, the way I do. I'm really, you know, a deeply spiritual person, and he's not. And I went into this whole diatribe hoping that the response would be like, you're right. Like, this is you. You guys need to have a conversation.

Like me.

Yeah, imagine. And he was like, there can't be two of you. And I was like, oh, okay. And I thought about it, you know, because I think it was really, why.

Can'T there be two of you?

I think.

I think I would love the male version.

I don't think you would.

So fucking hot.

I think you would literally be like, I need somebody who's, you know, the opposite.

I think if it's too similar to you, you got competitive. There's nothing to. To be honest, I've met people who do similar work that I do, and I've never been attracted to them because I think it's like, we don't have codes for each other. There's nothing for us to teach each other. So there's no attraction there, because attraction comes from, like, I want something that, you know, I'm curious about your life. There's. There's room for me to grow here. Whereas if both of us are just like, yeah, let's talk about our traumas on a podcast, it's like, same old.

Yeah. And it. It gets old, you know, so. So the remedy to that, for anybody listening that's in a relationship and you're the one that's constantly bringing up these conversations, it. It's okay. Like, you can be the person.

So would you tell Tori, can you ask me the question back at the end?

Yeah. And he. And he would. And then we would argue a little bit because I'm like, do you realize you didn't ask me. I had to ask you to ask me. And then it becomes a thing. Right. And it ruins the whole thing. Experience, where he's just like, in his mind. We've had this conversation, too. I'm like, what goes on in your mind?

My Kristen just told me the best analogy. Men are very interested in what they have to say when they're speaking about something they're passionate about. And if you're speaking about something passionate about, they're interested in what you have to say. But they never equate to, I'm passionate about this. So let me ask you what you're passionate about. It's like, wherever is the passion, they'll be. Just follow that along.

Yeah.

So he's like, you asked me this question. That was a good question. Let me really dive into this. Yeah. But it's like. And that's the end.

Yeah.

And then they move on. And it's like, they don't realize we didn't actually really care about the answer. We just wanted to connect.

This is true.

That's it. I just wanted to talk to you about something to get to know you, to feel love from you.

Yeah, we want to feel love. We want to feel like. And I've said this to him before. I'm like, I just want a question. I asked him yesterday that I told you.

But.

But you just want to feel like they're obsessed with you. You just want to feel like they hang on your every word, that they worship the ground you walk on, that they're just so completely enamored by your existence.

And here's the thing. Every woman wants a man who's obsessed with them. So if you're a Man, watching this. Just be obsessed with your girl. Please just do it. But I feel with men, what they don't realize and this is just a PSA for men, they're like, oh, but I have her. Like, we're good. Could focus somewhere else. And then we're like, I gave my heart, my soul, my body, everything to him and he's taking me for granted now. So then we go into closing off a little bit and then he's like, oh, wait, she's closed off. I wonder what, what happened? What's everything. But then, but then sometimes that's the. We're like, ah, the attention's back, you know, and then it's like, it's like training.

Yeah.

And. And it's not healthy. So I feel when what men get to do more of is like when she's open hearted and loving. Be obsessed with that. Like positively reinforce us.

No, he says no, no, he doesn't like that. Why? I don't know what it is.

So when you're open, he doesn't want to be obsessed only when you're closed. Yeah, he, he says that.

No, he doesn't say it. But like, if I'm really like wanting to be loving and just like, he'll give it to me. But it's not like, like I can tell it's not genuine.

Well, we talked about it. It's like there's always like one person in the relationship that's like, loves the other person more in that moment of time.

Yeah. And then when I'm like, never the equal. Yeah. And I'm like, fine and I totally energetic. Close off and I'm just like really focused on some. On something else. That's when he wants to come and love on me and have a heart to heart. And I'm just like, I don't want to touch you right now.

It's a cat and mouse game.

Yeah. But that's what's kept.

But it's like. But that's why I feel all of us women deeply desire tantra because tantra is like both of us are fully present with each other and really opening.

Yeah.

And I think that's like the dream, you know? But do you think it's a matter of like, okay, if you're single, like, find a man who's tantrically attuned or that that's possible with your existing partner?

I think it is possible with your existing partner. And look, there are certain areas of our life where that is the case and we can really communicate, you know, like, we really show up for each other when we need. And, and I'm just like, I mean those are the sort of, you know, like nitpicky things. But for the most part I think you have to look at your relationship as a whole and really see if you are being met in that way. Like I love him wholeheartedly, he loves me wholeheartedly. And there's no doubt, there's no questioning of that. I think sometimes I just need, need more attention or I'm desiring more attention, but at the same time, like if I can get it from somewhere else, from my friends or getting involved in a project, I notice I get that needy when I'm. I'm missing something else, right? And it's always the case. Always, always. You know, it's like I'm feeling a little bit, you know, indifferent about this thing like school. Like I'm really, I've got a lot going on. I have so many projects going on. I'm so overwhelmed that I have to shut off. And when I shut off, like I want to get loved on. I need oxytocin, I need the feel good endorphins. So I want the attention. And then when I'm not getting it, it makes me upset. But really I'm just tired, you know what I'm saying? Like I'm just tired. And ultimately that's my desire to be held or to be given attention. I just want nurturing because I'm exhausted. And instead of me coming to him and saying, hey, I'm really tired, can you clock out early today and maybe we have a little couch session, we could just. I'm not going to say cuddle because he doesn't do that, but can we watch a movie or watch a YouTube show or something? He would always 100% be like, Absolutely. But I want him to figure that out on his own. And homeboy's never going to do that. He just won't. He hasn't. It's been 20, 22 years. I have to tell them every time. And if me having a happy, successful, deep connection, loving, sexually satisfying relationship with my means that I have to be the person asking the questions and be the person to have to tell them what I need when I need it. So fucking be it. Like great.

And that's some real talk for someone in a 22 year relationship that I feel like you just don't hear. It's like, it's like, no, be with someone who can like feel into your energy and knows what you need. And wouldn't we all Love that, you know, but the reality is most people are in their own worlds, you know, and most people are working. And on top of that, men are just way more. Just attuned within themselves, whereas we are more like outwardly attuned, you know, they're more insular.

They're way more insular.

Exactly. And so it's like you could either end the relationship waiting for this man who you. You might, might find some super attuned guy who. Da, da, da. But like we talked about, he's gonna be polyamorous. Or it's like just saying, let's have couch time. Or, you know, there's this like, trend on Instagram I saw that it's like, go up to your husband and just like, like, just kind of like fall into his arms and like cuddle him. And they would like, put on the camera. And it's like, so beautiful that like, when men, like, feel that they can feel their woman needs love, like, they really do step up to the plate. But most of the time we, we, we get. So we're like trying to drop a hint, he's not getting the hint, and then we're annoyed. The last thing he wants to do is just like, love up on you fully when he feels like I did something wrong, you know, and it's like, men are also little boys too, you know, and they're just like. And I feel like men, they don't pick up on signals as much. And we're like, I dropped so many freaking signals and he's still not getting it. And then they're like, what did I do wrong? And the never ending story for men is I'm not enough. You know, I'm not enough for this relationship. I'm not good enough for her. I'm not good at doing this. I'm not good at my career. I'm not where I'm supposed to be. That's the dialogue in most men's head for women. I'm too much. I feel too much, I am too much, I want too much. I'm never gonna find it. And it's like, I'm not enough. And I am too much need to come together. And it's like you chose each other for a reason. And you are each other's unique access points to love. Love. And love is universal. You know, love is the experience of God. And, and you know, when you watch movies and things like that, it's like the language of love is the same, you know, and it's like. And we all were born knowing this Language. Like, no one taught us how to kiss. No one taught us how to cuddle. No one taught us how to be affectionate. It just. It just comes out of us, you know? And it's like. And it's something so innate. We are meant to be loved. And I think a lot of people were, like, waiting for this, like, perfect, perfect vessel of the love that we would rather just go without the most basic human need than to accept the imperfect vessel it's going to come from. And it's like, whoever you are with is your unique vessel. Point to love. And you are your unique vessel. Point to love. And I will also say that, like, for me, the times that I'm like, I'm not getting my needs met, I come back to my Dharma. Like, I teach a class at Highest Health Institute, and I'm like. Like, oh, I remember who the fuck I am. You know, I go on a podcast. I'm feeling so fulfilled. I start making music. I'm like, oh, my God. I have that feeling that I'm looking for. It's what? I'm not doing anything.

Yes.

And then I'm like. The days that I'm like, oh, I have a day off are the days I spiral. You know, it's like yesterday. And it's like. Because then I'm like. Then I start really thinking about it, and I'm like, you know, maybe he's not this, and maybe it can't be that. And maybe. And, like, the mind find. Will find a lot of things that really could happen, you know, and it's. It comes back to, like, trusting the unknown.

Yeah.

You know, like, trusting that whatever's going to happen will happen, you know, and there's nothing that you can do. But I find for women, like, our saving grace of not, like, spiraling out into our fears of the relationship. Come back to having our sisters, having our sense of purpose, having our daily practice, having these things, creating our own village, which is part people, but part actions that we do. You know, it's like, for me, when I go to my altar and I just pray, I light candles, and I'm tuning in, sometimes I remind myself, I'm like, oh, wait, the love that I'm seeking is love from God. Like, that unconditional love always has my back. Like, that's something I really, like, sat with in the medicine. The medicine really spoke to me. And it was like. Like, who do you think got you, like, backstage at that Ja Rule show when Lovers and Friends was canceled? Me. That was us. You know, like, who do you think, like, just planned that. Most epic year of travel, you're meeting the right people at the right time. You're in Trinidad and you're in Egypt. You're in this, you're that. That was not a man. That was God, you know, and it's like, so many of. We put so much of our focus on. I want all these things in my life, and so my man has to bring it. And it's like, no man can do what God can't, you know? So it's like, give that desire to God. Like, be in a relationship with God. Like, God has given you everything here. And I'm like, everything that I have in my life, like, I am my own sugar daddy. You know, it's like, I provided myself this apartment, I provided myself the equipment to do this podcast, and my ability to travel and this and that. But it was, for me, living in alignment with my dharma, which is coming from something above me. So it's just like, then love is something I get to experience through another person rather than them being the source of it. And it's when we make that one person the source of our love, when that person is gone, we're like, fuck, they just pulled out the heroin needles out of me. Like, I need another hit. Like, come back. And it's like, no, you. You experience love through that person. You will experience love through other people. And then I think the question is, like, when it comes to, like, lifelong relationships is not a matter of, like, who do I feel in this moment the most, like, butterflies and all of that with, but it's like, who do I think 20 years from now I could still love? And that is such a different way of orienting than how most of us do. You know, I see most women, single women I'm friends with, they're like, oh, my God. Like, he asks me so many questions. He's super on the same page as me on this and that. He's this. But, like, does he want to be in a relationship with you? Is he making an effort with you? Is he consistent with you? Because he can have all those things. But if he is not wanting and making a relationship work with you, I guarantee he's not going to be in your life 20 years from now. Fuck it, one year from now, you know? So it's like, at the end of the day, a relationship can only work if two people want the relationship to open work. And the man has to love the woman more, too. You know, man has to be in the pursuit. The man has to be like, this is my dream girl. This is the girl for me. And sometimes men need to lose you to understand that. Men need to date around to understand that. It takes men often longer in life to get that. But I do feel that having that base of like, instead of us looking for our dream God, who's going to be the Jason Momoa? Who are we the dream girl for? And that's going to give us that safety that we need to really open. And in that safety, I can actually speak my needs because I'm not afraid of scaring you away.

Yeah.

But if I'm dating a guy who I'm like, oh my God, he's a 10 out of 10 of everything on my list, he's hot, he's a famous soccer player, whatever. The thing is, as I can't even have a need with this guy because I'm, I'm nothing to, to that guy, you know? Whereas to the person who sees you as the dream girl, you can actually share. This is what I'm looking for relationship. This is what I really want. Because he's like, I'm willing to adapt, I'm willing. So it's like everything we just said can only work if the man wants to make this work.

Yeah.

And so coming back to the word settling, what I see, most women who actually end up up in successful relationships realize this. And maybe that guy does not look the way that you thought, maybe doesn't have the job that you thought, maybe doesn't have whatever the thing that you thought. But he fucking loves you. And that's the thing that's gonna make the relationship work.

I got nothing. That was it. That was channeled. That was a straight channel.

Yeah. It's hard because it's not what we often want to hear, you know, where we're just like. But like I thought, if I just wait long enough, I'll get the lift list. And it's like, girl, you don't want to be anxious with that list. You don't want to be sitting in front of someone that, you know, if I even go on a one week trip, he's going to be gone, you know, let alone going through child's birth, let alone, you know, it's going through like hard times. Like whoever you marry is going to see you at your worst. And we're like afraid of sending them a selfie with no filter on. It's like, this guy is going to see you when your parents die. Like he's gonna see you like in the worst of your life. And I think that we forget this. And, like, that's what connecting with elders really reminds us of.

Yeah.

You know, it's like, think of my grandparents. It's like they've been through the most, escaping Iran war, revolution, moving to the Bronx, New York, my dad, my grandpa, going from general in the army to working at a convenience store and not speaking English. Like, so much trauma, so much tragedy, and they stuck by each other, you know, whereas we are seeing relationships with, like, imagine, my grandma was like, you're no longer in your masculine. I've lost attraction to you. I thought I signed up for being with a general in the army. You were a boxer, you were confident, and now a convenience store owner. I could do better. My grandma, poor thing, had to move to this country, learn English, and figure out how to get all the bills and be coming the masculine for my grandfather. And yeah, on one perspective, you could say, grandma, you could do better. But guess what? My grandma would have spent the next 40 years of her life probably alone. And instead, she worked through it. She had to learn English, she had to learn how to figure out bills and things and. And things like that, because he was going through his own trauma at that time, which, by the way, throughout your relationship, it's not always going to be 50, 50. There is going to be times that your partner is in need, which we talk about a lot. Lot. But because of that, they worked through it again and again, worked through many things, and they were together for 60 plus years until he died, you know, and it's like, if we want that forever love, we have to drop this. I need to have all my needs met all the time. That's. Guys, I'm just saying it's. It's your. Your needs are your needs. Yeah. It's not a person's needs to you. They're your needs that only you can get for yourself. And I say this because I really believe that love is, like, the most important thing that we can have. And so many people are living without love because of this.

They're blocking themselves.

Yeah. Because of these boundaries. Coaches online being like, more boundaries, more boundaries, more boundaries until where you live in the matrix, and we're so isolated and we're so alone. It's like. Like, if you have love, love is a gift, and if both people want to make it work, it will find its way. And that's what I'm gonna say.

Oof. Hear, hear. Tweet, tweet.

Any final words, Rosita?

No, I. I love everything that you said, and I think ultimately it comes down to. Yeah, focusing on your purpose and fulfilling your own needs and thinking about going into a relationship instead of of what can they do for me or how can they fulfill my needs? It's like, what can I do for this relationship? Not for him or that person. It's like, what can I do? What am I willing to invest in this relationship?

Love that. So good. Wow. This one really was a sermon here. I hope you loved it. Share with your friends. Listen to it with your partner. This is a great. There's just so many nuggets nuggets here. Whether you're single, dating in relationship, divorce, anywhere in between. To really dive into and share it on your Instagram stories, tag us. Our Instagrams are below. And I would also love to know what other topics you would love for us to dive into here on the podcast. So leave a review or write a comment on YouTube. Take a screenshot and I would love to send you a free gift. So take a screenshot of your review and email it to me at Sahara at I am Saharose.com you can find that email in the show notes and I will send you my free Woo Meditation, which is a really powerful meditation you can do to access your own inner wisdom and receive your womb's guidance. So be sure to subscribe to this podcast wherever you're listening to it. It's on video, on YouTube, Spotify, wherever you listen to podcasts. And I'm so excited to see you in the next one. Trust your intuition. Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. Close your eyes and listen. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom, trust your inner guidance.