Calling Out A Victim Mentality (and Allies and Elders)

The truth is, I so absolutely love my life. Truth be told, five minutes ago, I had no idea what this video was going to be about. I also trusted. I also forgot to turn off my phone, but we're gonna fix that there. I also trusted that I would find out that as I go about my day, a conversation would happen or I'd hear something that would inspire me like it always has, back to 15 years ago when I first started making videos. And that's exactly what happened. So let's talk about it. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy Boucher. I'm Red Thunderbolt, woman of the Loon clan, a proud member of Seine River first nation in Treaty 3 territory in Northern Ontario, Canada. And. And as I mentioned in the opening, these videos, the topics of these videos, this is not planned out a year in advance. This is. I do these videos exactly the same way as I do my seminars. With my seminars, I have like a skeleton, an idea of the lessons and exercising exercises and teachings I want to share with my participants. But the. These stories that I share, the extras that I add in, I have no idea before I'm in the room. It's always been that way to me. That is creator telling me, you have to share this story. Someone in the audience needs to hear it. It's that same mentality that I do my videos, it's how I do my videos that I don't control what I'm going to say, but. But when it comes to me, it's like, wow, someone who watches my video or will watch my video one day needs to hear this. Truth be told, 15 years ago, when I first started making YouTube videos, I knew no one was watching. I was not delusional. I had no following. There was no one watching. But I used to tell myself back then it was. I was completely focused on female empowerment, Indigenous women empowerment, empowerment specifically, but female empowerment generally. And I always used to think I am speaking to the woman that will one day watch this video. And now I'm speaking to the person that will one day watch this video who's interested in reconciliation, who's interested in learning, Indigenous engagement, like substantial Indigenous engagement, not the meh efforts that are going on. So I was literally watching a training that. See, I have my notebook. I was taking notes. I was training. I am always in training. I always want to do my absolute best for my audiences, including you. So I'm doing training every single day. And then I start my work day. And believe it or not, I was five minutes into my training video when I knew what this video was going to be about. So quit bearing the lead. Let's just talk about it. Elder, the name Elder. So I was always taught to beware the people that refer to themselves as elder. And that may be very confusing if you're non indigenous because elder is a role, it's not a job title you're given. You can't decide you're an elder. In fact, in line with my teachings and I know for different nations it's different. I have been in communities that you hit a set age, you're an elder. It depends on if you're referring to elder as an older person or elder as a guide that that mentor, that eldership that we often hear about in reference to indigenous peoples. So when it comes to that guide or mentor that person, I was always taught that you become an elder when the community starts coming to you for guidance. So it's not anything you decide. Like I said, it's not the name tag you put on or the job description you accept. This is something. This is a natural reckons or a recognition. That's the word I wanted too many r words. Natural recon. What is the word again? Recognition. Thank you. A natural recognition from the community of the knowledge you carry and the best elders. And I know many of them. When that started happening and people started referring to them as an elder, they said no really quickly. Quickly, like no, no, I can help you, but I'm not an elder. Humility teaching. Right. So beware the person that I'm an elder. Now having said that, I have met elders that I know are legit and beautiful. And after 10, 15 years of being referred to as an elder, they're way more comfy with the title. They earn that right most often. I still do not hear them referring to themselves as an elder because they let other people do that. So did I confuse you on that one? You don't get to decide when you're an elder. In the same way you don't get to decide if you're an ally. H. I've done videos on that. Go hunt those down. It's when the group you're trying to be an allyship with refers to you as an ally, then you can pat yourself on the back and don't go introducing yourself to another group as an ally. I have that happen all the time. Someone will introduce themselves to me as an indigenous ally. You're not an ally to me. You might be an ally to that nation. You might be an ally to that group you've worked with. They know you. I Don't know you yet. So you're not an ally yet. In my eyes. It is not a title you can assign yourself. And it's not carte blanche. Once you're an ally, you're an ally forever to everyone. No, you're an ally in action. When you're doing something, it's think of it more as a verb than a noun. And I know the grammar, people just went insane. But it reminds you that you're only an ally when you're moving and doing something to support that group. And as soon as it comes about you becomes about your recognition and your job title, then you're not an ally anyways because you're not even thinking of the right group. Why am I sharing all that? Because. Are you ready for this? Are you sitting down? The video I was watching, the training session I was watching was actually talking about victim mentality. And even the trainer I'm listening to acknowledged. You say that phrase and a whole bunch of people are going to get up in arms. It is a phrase that is often applied to indigenous people. They're whining again. Remember the video just did recently about like our indigenous people whining when they talk about their barriers? No, we're acknowledging our barriers. You can't solve a problem if you don't acknowledge it and define it. But we get blamed for being a victim mentality on a regular basis. And this is where I'm gonna go out on a limb. I believe this is one of those cases where you don't have the right to say someone else is a victim mentality. Like I guess it's the opposite of eldership or allyship in that the only one who can decide if you have a victim mentality, the only one that should decide if you have a victim mentality is you. And it is a condition of internalized oppression. If you belong to a group that's been oppressed for a long time, you internalize that and you start to believe the bs. You start to believe the stereotypes about yourself. And acquiescence is a natural human reaction. The giving up, the why bother? It's never going to change. They are never going to let us get ahead. They Canada is never going to be respectful to indigenous people. That may sound like a victim mentality. Someone else judging us for being a victim of what happened to us makes absolutely no sense. It also doesn't serve you. Giving up will never solve a problem. I fight hard every single day. I am constantly decolonizing and unpacking to move past my own victim mentality. My own internalized oppression. And just when I think I got it all unpacked, something else rears its ugly head. Recently, I had something come up that I realized. The problem with the things in your suitcase, they're so normal, you don't even realize you're doing them. So it makes them hard to see. And I was doing something as a direct result of my 10 years of domestic violence, my past, this many years later, which when it's identified, it's like, well, that's not happening anymore. So an elder, you can recognize an elder, they would never say that about themselves. You can recognize an ally. You should never say that about yourself. But when it comes to victim mentality, you're the one that has to identify that. Are you saying things like, are you talking in absolutes? It's never going to change. They're never going to allow me to do that. That is the burden you got to get past. Not whatever you think is stopping you. The fact that you think it can stop you. I have been running my own successful business for 15 years. Do you honestly think I could have done that if I still believed I was a victim? And at one point in time, I was a victim, literally, of domestic violence. But hanging on to that doesn't serve me. So don't. What? The training I was watching says, lead with empathy, going around pointing fingers, saying someone has a victim mentality doesn't help at all. You are minimizing their challenges. And obviously those are challenges that seem huge to them. What I am saying is maybe you got to do your own unpacking. You're the only one that can unpack your suitcase. And maybe you need to identify where you're feeling like a victim and realize you have way more power than you're probably giving yourself credit for. Does that make sense? How's that for the flip side of victim mentality? It's a conversation we had to have. I hope that helped. I cannot wait to hear your comments. Remember, do not justify your victimhood. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging you've been through something, but you were through it. You're on the other side, which means you were stronger than whatever it is. So don't tell me that's going to stop you when it obviously didn't. It ended, you didn't. I hope that made sense. I'm actually quite pumped about this. This is definitely going to be in future seminars. Can't wait to hear what you think. Comment below. Don't forget to subscribe. I've always got stuff for you. Creator sent. Until tomorrow. I love you. Take care. Bye bye.