Sandi L Boucher recounts finding her two-month-old daughter Fallon dead from SIDS 25 years ago, the guilt that followed, and how the loss changed what she valued. She later named a daughter with the middle name Cherish and learned to find meaning in hardship.
Chapters
Hi, everybody, my name is Sandy Boucher and welcome back to my world. If you notice that the surroundings are a little bit different today, it's because I'm at my daughter's house. It's something that I do every week. I actually come over to her place to do my laundry. And it's an excuse for us to be able to hang out together and maintain a relationship that's very important to me. And that's exactly what I wanted to speak to today. Because today is a very special day in my world. Because exactly 25 years ago today, my life changed. As it turned out, it changed for the better. But at the time, I thought it was anything but. 25 years ago this morning, I woke up to find my eldest daughter dead in her crib. The autopsy would tell me that it was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. And as the doctor explained, that meant they just couldn't find a reason why my daughter was no longer alive. I was a 20 year old mom. You can't imagine the guilt that I went through. I second guessed everything. Did I feed her too much? Did I put too many blankets on her? What did I do wrong? Eventually, I just had to accept that Fallon was not meant to live longer than her short two months. And I went on. I considered going back to school, I considered getting a job. But my husband and I at the time discussed that what we had wanted was a family. And the fact that Fallon had passed on hadn't changed that. So we went ahead. And soon enough I was expecting my daughter. She was born almost a year later to the day and her middle name is Cherish because that's what her oldest sister taught me. Everything in my life changed on that day. I was now acutely aware of how precious and how short life can be and that we just cannot assume we have tomorrow. We may not have tomorrow to say I love you or I'm sorry or any of the million other things we should say. And don't you have to do it today? You can't assume you have tomorrow. Because of losing Fallon, a monumental hardship in my life, I became the mom that Kaz and Keith needed me to be, the mom they deserved. And I now realize that Fallon's death was a lesson I can't even imagine not receiving. I don't want to know the woman I would have been, the shallow woman that I would have been if I hadn't lost her. Because I know because of that event, I have become the woman that I can now say I'm proud of. So I'm thankful for all of the challenges in my life, including the loss of my daughter. Think hard on the challenges you're facing. They will end even the coldest, darkest night. Eventually, morning comes. Look for the lesson. What can you learn from this event? And then learn it so you're not destined to relive it until you do. Have a great day, everyone. I love you. Bye. Bye.
