I Married ... an Unknown Indian, a Status Indian & a Pretendian

Okay, some serious personal sharing is going to happen in this video. If you're one of those people that feel the need to judge without trying to understand, then just go, shoo. Go away right now. Because what we're going to talk about is the fact that I've been married three times. Scary things happen when you're looking for your value in the hands of someone else. But what I realized recently is I married three different versions of indigenous people, except one was a pretendian. Let's talk about it. Bonjour. Mishko Pocket on Queen addition across Mundo Dam. Hi, everybody. My name is Sandy Boucher. I'm Red Thunderbolt, woman of the Loon clan. I a proud member of Seine River First Nation in Treaty 3 Territory in Northern Ontario. And yes, I have been married three times. All my last marriage ended when I was 42. I'm now 59. I got out of that game until I've won. Three strikes I'm out. Doesn't work for me. And I joke around about it, but the reality is it's rooted and a lot of pain and vulnerability and insecurity. So, as mentioned previously, my dad was an amazing man from St. Jerome, Quebec. And my mom a beautiful Anishinaabe Quay from Kuchajing First Nation. And no, I am not Metis. That's going to have to be another video to explain why I'm not. I am status Indian. I have my card. Showed you already. So I was dad's little girl, Dad's baby girl. And. And he was my biggest fan. I was the center of his universe. And because he believed in me, there was nothing I didn't believe I could do. I was straight A's in school. I was gonna be a lawyer one day. Life was amazing. I was 17 when my dad passed away and my world imploded. What I now realize is my mom. My mom, my dad was the first of the people that I call my projectors. You know, like a projector you use in seminar to show your presentation up on the screen. I didn't have self worth or self esteem. It was projected on me from others. And I know that's common for many people. And I'm not talking about just indigenous. So when the projector went out and my dad passed away, I made a mistake that a lot of young women make, women of all ages. I went looking for another projector. I didn't realize yet that I could be my own projector. And I met the man that was going to become my first husband. We got engaged after 10 days and I Can honestly tell you, when he asked me, I didn't think to myself, oh, my God, I love this man so much. Was 10 days I thought I would be the one and only misses so and so and I'd be special again. That doesn't sum up my mind, space. Nothing does. We got married six months later. I distinctly remember walking down the church aisle thinking, I have no idea who that man is. I wonder how embarrassed mom would be if I ran out of here right now. I'm glad I didn't, because that's the father of my children and they are everything to me as I are my grandchildren. Now, this is where I guess it gets really real, because I thought my husband was French. That's what I was told. That's what the family believed. But as I got to know him and his brothers and you're involved in family conversations, that's kind of what I could relate to. In the Buffy Saint Marie the Fifth Estate episode, you start talking and my mother in law had a serious issue with indigenous people, which really wasn't uncommon for a woman of her age. But she had a serious issue with indigenous people. Not mild a serious issue. In fact, she was really not impressed that my husband had married me because I was indigenous. And she was not impressed when I had our first little girl. During one of those family conversations, one of the brothers laughed and said, you know when it's kind of ironic the way mom laughs. They were trying to reassure me not to be upset. They said, you know what? If you look at uncle so and so, it's pretty flipping obvious he's indigenous. And that was my mother in law's brother. That's all I knew. We ended up splitting up. After five years, I moved on with my children. And it wasn't until very recently that brothers, my. The father of my children has now passed on that his brother received his status. That that shame and guilt that made them hide that they're indigenous doesn't apply anymore. And now they can say they are. That's what I was referring to when I said I was so shocked at how out there Buffy was with being indigenous, because that was not a sign of the times. It was dangerous. So interesting. So I moved out and I spent a couple years on my own, working full time, just focused on raising my children and not trying to die of exhaustion. And I met my second husband. My second husband was indigenous, what I call stereotypical indigenous, meaning you look at him and you know he's indigenous. He was status. He unfortunately inherited a lot of the challenges of people that are stereotypically indigenous, There was. Alcohol was a norm, not only in the small town he grew up in, but in his family. And I'm not just talking a social drink. Alcoholism is eventually what killed him, and it is definitely what destroyed our family. And for anyone who's been in that situation, who's loved someone with a drinking problem so often, and I know with my ex husband, it definitely applies. Such a beautiful soul. He had the biggest heart in the world. Sober. Don't add alcohol. The relationship turned violent, and after five years, it ended. Enter hubby number three. And this would be the pretendion. Now, I promised in my very emotional video that if I'm ever in the room with a pretendian, Then I'm going to call them out. And in a conversation with my staff, I realized, wow, it's time I. I met Murray Nielsen because I was attending a healing circle once a week to try to get over the trauma of my marriage ending. So we can already talk about the inappropriateness of him getting involved with someone who's attending. He was running the healing circle, and I was attending it as a broken woman. We've already crossed some serious boundaries here. We're going to add into the fact that I was the president of the board of directors for the place he worked at. That complication we acknowledged. I ended up leaving the board shortly after we met. Murray has addictions that he carries, that he battles, and he makes that well known. And like many, many people that AA didn't work for or n A or whatever version, he found his sobriety at a traditional drum, a traditional ojibwe Anishinaabe drum. He learned the songs, and he had a powerful voice. He started dancing at powwow. That's the man I met, Someone I believe to be a strong indigenous man with his long, flowing hair and his pride. And he picked up so many of the teachings and knew so many elders. But we got married after five years. And of course, over five years, we would travel back to his hometown, which he left in the search of his sobriety. And I met his parents. His mom didn't live much longer after we first met. Unfortunately, she was one of many that cancer took from us. But his dad was around for a long time, and I don't know, I seem to get along really well with grumpy old men, and his dad really fit that description. And we just. He would tease me to no end, and. And we just, in my opinion, had an amazing relationship. And we were sitting at the kitchen table one day, we had just finished breakfast. Everyone else had scattered and it was just me and Scott sitting there. And he looked at me. Murray, my ex husband, had just mentioned something about like a pow wow or something to do with indigenous culture. I can't remember what he was referring to. And as after Murray left the room, Scott just looked at me and said like, you know, I. I don't understand why he's into this, like why he does this. I was like, why he does what? He said all this Indian stuff. And I was kind of like, what? I admit in my cockiness and judgment thought that he was one of those people hiding his family tree, which didn't really fit the man I knew him to be. But with these comments, that must be what it is. Scott went on to say that he's really, really thankful that Murray found his friends and found the drum and found the traditions because it's kept him sober and that's what he wanted for his. So he said, but we're not indigenous. I believe Scott was Scottish and his mom was English. There is no indigenous in their family tree. Murray Nielsen is a pretendian who has worked most of his career since his sobriety for indigenous agencies who believed him to be cree because that's what he told people. I believe that's probably what he's still telling people now. I've shared that with a few people over the years I was married to him. I know the man, I know his family and they don't want to believe me. I guess that's the power of pretendions, Especially when they're popular and well loved. And these big personalities with all this cultural knowledge that people look up to, they are still as fake as the day they are born. And he was not born indigenous. Now, did I call it out at the time? No. Because I wasn't the woman I am now. I was still. Our relationship was not abusive in any way. But I definitely hadn't found my confidence yet, hadn't found my voice yet, hadn't found my traditions and teachings. Was already working with an elder and on my way. But I had so much going on inside me. That was not a battle I was able to take on. Now I am. So there's the story of me marrying a denied Indian status Indian and a pretendian. That's how complicated indigenous lives can be. Welcome to our world. If you have comments or questions below or send me an email, I love you. Have an amazing weekend and I'll talk to you next week. Bye Bye.