The Price of Shame ...

Yesterday, in my intimate partner violence, domestic violence video, I touched on shame. And shame can be experienced in so many different places, in so many situations. But no matter the situation, it always robs us of the one of one thing. It's always the same thing. Today, let's talk about it. Bonjour. Hi everybody. My name is Andy Bouget. I'm Red Thunderbolt, woman of the Loon clan, a proud member of Seine River First Nation in Treaty 3 Territory in Northern Ontario. And as I mentioned in yesterday's video, I believe Brene Brown does the best job of explaining the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt is knowing you did something wrong. I shouldn't have said that. I should have done that. I shouldn't have done that. Guilt hopefully moves you towards genuine apology and a change in your behavior. But shame, shame is I am wrong. Shame is not I did something wrong, it's the mistake is me. Shame is debilitating. Shame prevents action. Shame is the last thing we need if we want positive change. So I did share that yesterday, but today I had come up with a list just off the top of my head. It took like 30 seconds to do this. Times where shame prevented someone from being who they are or doing what they need to do. So for the first one, shame would be all of those millions of women across the world who are so ashamed of their past intimate partner violence, domestic violence that they never share it with the world. They have the results of it. They have the reactions. They have, as my sister in law would say, the toilet training. And there's probably people out there that love them, that have no idea why they behave the way they do. Especially if those people are not aware of the past abuse. Now in my case, the people in my inner world, well, not only do I openly talk about my past domestic violence, but the people in my world were aware of it. So even before I was openly admitting it, they understood where my reactions were coming from. But you think you're being you. What you could be doing is simply reacting to that which you cannot name. That's one example. How about the shame of poverty? Now, back in 2020, this is a well known story. I've shared it a million times. When lockdown hit, I lost $48,000 in 24 hours.

20.

Just FYI, back then I was only doing live events. I was not doing anything virtually, which meant with one declaration, my business essentially became illegal. You couldn't gather people in a room, which meant I couldn't do my seminars. And one by one, the events cancelled. I am Self employed, I don't have a steady income. It is dependent on my bookings. Trust me. I did the mandatory three days in bed crying. And then I remembered, wait a minute. One, I've started from zero before. Two, I now have 10 years experience on how to do that. I can do this. I can safely say my business is even stronger today than it ever has been. But one of the consequences of that time was my accountants because I definitely had professional guidance telling me I should declare bankruptcy. Now, I'm not going to go into a long story, but for indigenous people in Canada, many of us like we had non taxable income that at one point the government changed their mind and it became taxable. We ended up with large tax debts and interesting crewing like crazy. What my accountant said was I had their quote or a quote from them was stop the bleeding. In other words, I had a great income coming in. I had a solid business but the interest on this old debt was killing me. So I declared bankruptcy and I knew the potential was there for me to feel shame. How would I feel if someone found out? So instead of risking that ever happening, I publicly declared I had declared bankruptcy. I did a blog post. I put it out on all my social media so that I knew that if in the future anyone ever came up to me and said I heard you declared bankruptcy, I could say, yeah, everyone knows that, right? Do you see how it took the power out? There is no shame. It saddens me. I just looked at my list. It saddens me in 2024 that so many people are still experien intense, immense shame because they're gay that we still do not live in a country or on a continent that just openly says it's o be you and these children. The youth are at such high risk and I know older adults who had to receive or achieve a certain age and a certain personal pain because they were denying who they really were to finally get them to the point where they could admit it. And I mean seriously, if someone has a problem with you being you, and I don't mean the lowest common denominator, I don't mean the people that set out to be, excuse the expression, a holes like no one should be okay with that. But if at your core you know you're gay, then all the power to you. I want to help you create an environment that makes sure you can be you. Because shame can literally cost lives. So many people out there who can't admit and feel shame over failing. I watched a clip from the Drew Barrymore show and she was Dax Shepard. Oh, I remembered his name. She was interviewing Dax Shepard. And for whatever reason, I guess he had a podcast or a show or something. Anyways, he ended up interviewing his own mom and he said it was different because he. The questions he asked were from an interviewer standpoint. Standpoint, as opposed to a son's questions. And his mother had been in an abusive relationship and he asked her why she stayed and. And the abuser was Dax's stepfather. And his mother admitted it was the shame. The fact that she had already been divorced once and that to admit it wasn't working again, that she was going to be divor again. The shame was so intense it kept her in an abusive relationship. Can we all agree that's insanity? Not her. The fact that we have a world that would have someone feeling they had to stay in an abusive relationship because that was the least pain, the less painful option, insanity. But I get it. For those who have followed my channel, you know this if you're new here. I'm divorced three times. And I used to absolutely hate telling people that, especially if it was a new romantic interest. Until I finally got to the point.

It's like, you know, one, it takes two to tango.

The first two were abusive relationships and the second one was. Or not the second one, the third one, let's not even get into it. I would not. I was not me. If there's one thing that really blew my mind in the last couple years is realizing none of my husbands knew who I was because I wasn't being me. I was so intent on trying to be who they were that I never got around to being me. So I've been divorced three times. Don't care. No shame. No shame. What about the shame of having cheated? That's a big one. And you know what? Kudos to every single person out there who does admit that, who finds their courage and admits it. Do we ever want to hear that information? No. But you know what? I have way more respect for, for someone who admits to it to any mistake or to any action that might cause harm, then the person that just hides it. That's a cowardly way to do it. If you're going to do the action, then you better find the courage to admit you did the action. So. Yeah. And you know what? Have I ever cheated? Okay, well, I guess this is open transparency here. I guess I'm gonna say once and it was 310 intentional. There's a good possibility only the women in my audience who have survived domestic Violence are going to get this. But it was during my second marriage. At the end of my second marriage the abuse was now in full at full power. And if there's one thing I know is I don't cheat, that is who I am. So on one very dark night, I chose to go home with someone. Get this. Because I knew if I did that I couldn't go back to my abuser. And my head was so spun around and the gaslighting was so huge that I knew he'd probably be able to talk me into coming back unless I did something to that. So went against my values that I wouldn't be able to. And guess what? It worked. Because not only did I do what I did, but when I told him what I had done, he backed off. Feel free to judge me if you so choose. But there's me admitting that this is another one. I see this in adults, I see it in youth. I the shame over having to admit you hate your career or your career choice. All of those students stuck in a major in university and hating it, knowing this is not what they want to do but not wanting to admit that they made the wrong choice or admit to their parents because there might be money involved, they are willing to give up their happiness and stick with a career they hate rather than admit they hate it. Rather than the shame of saying I made the wrong choice. And I'm not talking about the people that stick in careers they hate because they need the money kind of different situation. I'm talking about the people that absolutely hate it but they don't want to admit to the people. Maybe there's something totally like, you know, that we look up to like a doctor or a lawyer and they hate it. How do you admit to someone who's struggling that you hate your well paying job? There's gonna be shame there. And last but not least, I think the saddest of them all, the people who hate who they are. The shame of admitting I don't like who I am. I don't like the way I'm behaving, I don't like the way I look, I don't like my weight. I don't like the way I speak to people, I don't like the way I speak to myself. There is one thing, and I promise this in the opener, that there is one thing that shame will cost you every single time and that is the freedom to be you. Because if you admit to every single one of those things, the doors flied wide open. You can get help when you Admit the truth, and it's your truth. Your power is in your truth. Right? So we're going to support people. We got to help people. You know what? Judgment is easy. Judgment burns bridges. Right? Judgment is so flipping easy. And judgment is arrogance. Judgment is superiority. Judgment is saying, I am better than you. And just in case you're enduring someone that judges you, can you please realize them judging you says everything about them, not about you. Don't listen to what they say. Realize you are speaking to someone who looks down on you. Maybe they shouldn't be in your house or in your booth, in the coffee shop or in your circle of friends. We do not need any more people that look down on us. What we need are the people that lift us up and who see if we're struggling and offer to help, not gossip about us in the lunchroom. I hope you have zero shame in your life. I hope you are old enough and strong enough and healed enough to say, you know what? I am me. Not the lowest common denominator of me. Always growing, always learning. But like me, I love the woman I turned into. Do I have flaws? A hundred percent. I'm human. Do I have things I still need to learn? Hundred percent. Do I make mistakes daily and have to apologize for them and learn from them? But I love how I turned out. And I hope you can say same until tomorrow. I love you. Take care. Bye.

Bye.

Hello, you absolutely amazing person, you. As you know, maybe, maybe not. My son is raffling off one of.

These little keepsake gift boxes that he made. But him and I have been talking. We decided to up the ante because.

Fall'S coming, even Christmas is coming, and.

Sometimes gift giving can get really expensive. So we wanted to help. Not only is he raffling off this one, but he's actually raffling off the second one, too. And I wanted to get in on the fun. So we have a surprise for you. How do you open this?

This way.

So there's going to be two winners. Both of the boxes are going to be gone, but the person who gets this also gets. I can do this. This pair of earrings. Authentic Anishinaabe beaded earrings. And this pair of earrings. There's the two in here. So that's this winner.

And I'm going to slide this in this time.

The second box. Well, there's surprises in this one, too. This one gets this pair. Something inside of that. So neat.

And.

This pair.

So you're gonna want to get in on this draw.

It's gonna close probably the end of September. $10 a ticket. 20 for three. One winner gets this box and the two pairs of earrings. The second winner gets this box and those two pairs of earrings.

You should probably get your tickets today.

Just send a knee transfer to my son. Or you can send it to me if you prefer. I can't wait to see who's taking these home. Good luck, everyone.