They Don't Hit You on the First Date ... TRIGGER WARNING - SIDS, DOMESTIC/INTIMATE PARTNER VIOLENCE

Testing, testing to see if my mic's working because there's no way I'm going to be able to shoot this twice. Hi everybody, it's Sandy Boucher here. Mishkopaganon kwei nadishnikas mung do dem. As you know, if you've been on my channel for any length of time, my spirit name translates to Red Thunderbolt Woman of the Loon Clan. I'm said to represent that split second in time when the thunder sounds exactly as the lightning strikes. I tell people that means I'm not very subtle. But you, if you've been to one of my events or watched any of my videos, you may think I'm this like super strong, have it all together, a confident woman. And maybe you just glossed over when I mentioned I'm a 10 year domestic abuse survivor. That's what I wanted to touch on today because I believe this statistic is still one in four women experience violence at the hands of their intimate partner. You know, someone who has experienced or is experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner violence. And maybe you're questioning how an intelligent, strong woman could ever put up with that. And maybe you're that strong, intelligent woman that wonders how you ever put up with that. And that's what I want to talk about today. This is not pretty. I just finished my workout. But domestic violence and intimate partner violence aren't pretty easy pretty either. So I thought I'm just going to come on here and turn on the camera and turn on my microphone and be real because we got to get real. Let's talk about it. So as I mentioned in the open opening, we're going to talk about intimate partner violence today. And I have always said that your story is where your power is, that there is no story stronger, more powerful, more impactful, more perhaps inspirational than your own story. And unfortunately, if you have danced with domestic violence or intimate partner violence, you have a story. And if you get nothing else from this video, share your story. Find the safe space. Find the safe person whose expression is not going to change when you share it so you can be reassured that nothing changes because of what you've been through that you can finally put the shame down. And I guess before I go into my story, I really need to touch on that. Brene Brown does such an amazing job of explaining the difference between shame and guilt. When you do something wrong, you may think, well, I need to apologize, I did something wrong. That's guilt. But when your inner voice says I am wrong, that's shame. And if there's one thing I've realized in watching videos of late. It is shame prevents so many amazing things from happening, so many amazing relationships from happening. So much amazing healing from happening. In the case of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, let me be crystal clear. Lightning Bolt Woman. Red Thunderbolt Woman. Blunt. You did nothing wrong. Look at me. You did nothing wrong. You know what you did? You chose to love someone. You chose to believe the best in someone. You chose to look past all the examples of why you shouldn't stay and chose to stay because you wanted so desperately to believe in the person they were on the good days. You chose to love. You chose to believe. You chose to stick by someone. Those are not negatives. The negative in this scenario is someone chose to take advantage of that. Someone chose not to honor that. Someone chose not to honor you. That is their burden to carry, not yours. Now, I have explained in past videos that if you knew me in grade school or even high school, I was the straight A student. I was the cheerleader. There are so many reasons why someone from a distance who didn't really know me, that was just observing me, might think that I was this confident, outgoing woman, young woman, young girl. But the reality is confidence is self confidence. And I didn't have self confidence. I had daddy confidence. My dad believed I walked on water, so I believed I walked on water. My dad believed I could be anything I wanted to be. So I believed I could be anything I wanted to be. My dad believed I could be straight A's. I delivered the straight A's. My dad believed that nothing could stop me. And I believed it too. There's probably going to be tears in this video. And if you want to cry along with me, you go right ahead. Because tears are healing. And if there's one thing, I guess, another thing I need to tell you. Please stop your. Stop stopping yourself from crying. My mom would be the first to tell you that crying. And so many other elders would want to tell you that crying is your body saying, you're ready to release this now. Set this down. So I lived this enviable life. I was on such a high pedestal with my dad. Like my dad was my air. My dad was my oxygen. And I was 17 when dad passed away. And that's now. I hope you realize I've already made the fatal mistake. Probably not consciously, but I've made it nevertheless. I'm looking for my value in the hands of someone else. And at that point in time before August 6, 1981, July 6, 1981, I should say my value was in the hands of my father, not in my hands, where it should have always been. And when dad passed away, I made another mistake. I went looking for someone to tell me I was worth it. Even though I had the straight A's, even though I had the teachers telling me I could so easily be a doctor or a lawyer. I didn't believe or didn't know if I was lovable, if I was the type of woman that a man would want as his partner. I can honestly say I didn't go looking for the best partner, the one that fit my personality, the one that had the same values, the one that wanted the same dreams I had. I went looking for a partner, anyone, to prove I was lovable. Now, as you can well imagine, if that's your criteria, you can end up finding Jack the Ripper. And I believe I became. I came pretty damn close now, but the title of this video is they don't hit you on the first date. And when I first met this person, 28 years old, incredibly handsome in my eyes, he found me attractive. He was funny. Sarcasm, had the most beautiful blue eyes. And ten days after our first date, he asked me to marry him. I was about to turn 20. He was 28. And I cannot. I can still remember where we were sitting. We were sitting in his car at a lookout, now in the city I live in. And he asked me to marry him. And I didn't think, oh, my God, I love this man so much, I want to marry him. Or, oh, my God, this is the perfect person for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I thought, he's choosing me. I won't. This. I won't be alone anymore. Someone is choosing to loving, love me. Someone is proving I'm lovable. So I said yes. And six months later, we got married. I remember walking down the aisle of that church, and by the way, I was pregnant with our first little girl then. And I remember thinking, I have no idea who the man at the end of the aisle is. And I remember thinking, how embarrassed would my mom be if I turned around and ran the heck out of here right now? And I didn't. And I'm glad I didn't, because that's the father of my children. I. All my children. And they are worth everything I went through. So now we're married. And, I mean, it was all well and good in the beginning. We still lived in the small little hometown that I grew up in. My mom was in the next apartment, but I was Starting to hear rumors. Rumors about my partner's drug use. Rumors that he was actually selling illicit drugs. And of course I didn't believe it. Not about my cute, amazing partner. And I would tell him about these crazy rumors and he would laugh and say they were crazy rumors and that he didn't even smoke weed anymore, that he had given that up with when he found me. And of course my ego loved that and it reassured me. And once again, I was lovable. Until one day. And I'm now about seven months pregnant with my first little girl. Until one day, I have no idea why, but for some reason I opened up his pack of cigarettes that was sitting on the coffee table. I didn't smoke anymore. And you know what I found inside? There wasn't just your regular cigarettes. And he was watching me to see what I would do. And I asked him where they came from and he said they weren't his, that he was just holding them for a friend. And I said, well, obviously you don't need these then. And I took them out of the package in all my 20 year old cockiness and proceeded to walk down the hallway because I was going to flush them down the toilet. We didn't need that in our house. This was our home. This is where we were going to have our baby. And that's not what he wanted. Chaos. I get thrown to the floor. He grabs what I had taken and tells me to never do that again. And he leaves. And I'm sitting there on the floor trying to comprehend the man I love that supposedly loves me just threw his pregnant wife to the floor. I want to talk to my mom next door. I can only imagine because I know my mom's story now and what she endured. So I can only imagine what went through her mind hearing my story. She only had. And it was one of those rare times my mom gave an order. My mom thoroughly believed in letting us live our own life. But this time she gave an order. Do not apologize to him. Do not chase him. Do not go after him. If he comes back, he comes back, but you do not chase him. I didn't understand, but I agreed. And eventually he came home. There was no apology. There was just silence. Abuse takes many forms. Mentally, physically, financially, spiritually. I can remember one of my ex's games. That's what I started referring to them as, was we'd have plans usually to go to his mom by then. I lost my first daughter to sids. We had our second girl and then our young boy. And I can remember so many times where it was time we he decided we were going to his mom's and I had like an hour to get ready and get the kids ready. And anyone who has like a baby and a 2 year old knows the challenge of that. And I would do it every single time. I would have that diaper bag packed and those kids looking amazing because I knew my mother in law would have a comment if they weren't and we'd be going out the door and every single time he would turn and look at me and say, are you really going to wear that? That sounds like no big deal, but little comments like that tear away at your confidence and you start wondering what's wrong with what I chose, what's wrong with what I'm wearing? And every single time I would race and go change while he took the kids out to the car and sat impatiently waiting because I was making us late. I can remember years later, long after our divorce, the kids now teenagers through a circ, a series of circumstances that have really nothing to do with me. He ended up at our house one day and we were sitting, me with my new husband and him sitting at our dining room table and. And I went to get something, I went to get up to get a coffee or something and I mean he was going through a hard time. We were supporting him in this moment and as I went to get up he was like, Sandy. And I turned back and he said, what's that? That's all he said. And I was like, what? And I went to the bathroom to look to see if I had something on my face. And when I was in the bathroom I thought you so. Son of a. He did it again. He did it in front of my new husband who would have been totally oblivious because abuse can be that subtle. Except this time I walked back into the dining room and said, there's nothing on my face, you silly banana. Like what the heck? But I wasn't that person. When I was 20, I would endure five years with this man. There's so many. And I have always been a strong, intelligent woman. But I was a stay at home mom with two kids and he had the only income I can remember. Once his friends came over, it was a beautiful summer afternoon and you know, they wanted a beer and whatever and I thought I'd make them some snacks. So I came walking in on with the tray and their beers were on the tray and their snacks were on the tray. And when I got to my husband, my then husband, he pulled my top up. I had on a little halter top. And he pulled my top up so my breasts were totally exposed to our guests. And I couldn't do anything because I was holding the tray. I remember setting down the tray, adjusting my top, going in the bedroom to cry. Ashamed. So many times. So many times. I won't tell you about the final fight that resulted in injuries so severe they thought my bra jaw was broken. And I spent two years on my own. And then I ended up meeting my second abusive partner. Now he was the party animal. And at that time, I was a single mom with two kids working. Working full time. Yep. Thursday, Friday night. I like to go out and pretend that money wasn't that tight and that I wasn't incredibly lonely and I wasn't exhausted and I wasn't scared stiff that I wouldn't be able to provide for my kids. He loved to party, too, so it was amazing. And I had never met anyone who had an alcohol problem before. And I know anyone who has an abuser that. That is triggered by alcohol, knows, understands what I'm about to say that I wish I knew. Was it the third beer, the fourth beer, the fifth beer, the second room and coke. What was it? Wet. Flip that switch and turn my loving partner into that man who made that horrific face that was pure hatred. And he would call me every name in the book. And his game. He resented my intelligence. He resented that my career was going ahead when his had stalled in. His game was to slam my head into whatever thought thing he could find, whether it was the fridge, whether it was the wall. I can remember once, it was in the middle of a house party and him and I were in the back hallway and no one else knew what happened. That subtle. I can remember so many instances where he was convinced I thought I was more than him, which totally didn't make sense. I endured him cheating with my good friend, by the way. He chose an intimate moment, an incredibly intimate moment, if you get my drift, to inform me of his affair. I endured getting run down by his truck. And if it wasn't for the snow bank I jumped into, I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't. My kids would not. I wouldn't have My grandkids. They would have never met me. I'm still intelligent. I'm still confident. I still choose to love. I still choose to believe in the good of people. What happened with those individuals is on them. They chose to dishonor me. They chose to disrespect me. They did not love me because I'm pretty sure neither of them Knew how. That's not love. And for the longest time, and I think this is a lot of the unspoken truth of intimate partner violence or domestic violence. For me, the biggest price tag that I paid was not the physical injuries, physical injuries, healing. It was the doubt in myself. I no longer trusted my ability to tell if a person was good or not, because I thought they were. Never once realizing that what I saw in them was the good that was there. They chose not to be those people. And for the longest time, like so many domestic abuse survivors, admitting I was wrong, I'd rather chop my arm off. Because in my past, being wrong could be dangerous. It took forever before I could laugh at my mistakes. It took forever before I could admit I suck at cooking. I hate cooking. I try it every now and then. And there's things that I raised my children, I fed them. There are things I can make, but when I try something new and those people that just, just put what think should go in it, that never works for me. That never does. And you know what? That's not a shot at my intelligence. That's a shot that is my lack of cooking skills. That is not my lack as a human being. There are some things I crush that I'm amazing at. There are other things I suck at. And I am so willing to admit that because that proves I've left the domestic violence and intimate partner violence behind. People wonder why I'm vulnerable, why I share my truth, because for so long I didn't. And I think that brings me to the story that probably sparked this video every now and then. Like, I believe you've heard me talk about triggers before. I believe if something triggers me that I get upset because of something someone said or did. It brings up old ghosts, that that's a creator telling me I am now ready to deal with this. So on numerous occasions, I've gone back into therapy. I have an amazing therapist. And I was like, okay, this happened. Now we gotta unpack this. And if you're trying to deal with domestic violence alone, don't find someone to help you unpack it. And on this last trip, and I mean, I used to have the night terrors. I used to have full blown panic attacks. If I could. I just had something stab me in the eye. An intoxicated, angry male. Pure trigger. So. And she helped me. I don't have flashbacks anymore. I don't have night terrors because she helped me pass those. She gave me the tools I needed. But there was this one assignment and she asked me, she prepared me she said, in our next session, I want you to tell me of the worst incident you endured. I want all the details. I want you to tell me that. And at that point, I hadn't ever told anyone that. I was terrified to open that door, to remember all of that. It was taking so much of my energy to keep that door closed because I didn't want to relive it. And I wasn't sure. Again, the shame. Are you going to change what you think of me if you know this story of what I chose to put up with? What a horrible lens to look at it through now, what you endured because you loved. Anyways, that was the assignment, and I was freaked. So over the course, I think it was about two weeks before our next appointment, I wrote out the detail. I'm a writer. I. I wrote it out and I came back to the appointment and I wanted to hand her the papers. And she's like, no, you're going to tell me. You're going to use your voice and say it. And I just looked at her and I said, can I read it? She said, okay, I'll give you that. Let's. You can read it. And I did. And it took deep breaths and tears, a lot of tears. And I got through it. And I don't know what I thought would happen if I ever told that story. But whatever I feared didn't happen. I was still sitting in a counselor's office with a counselor therapist that supports me. I was safe. I was in my modern day. I was not in that moment. The door was wide open, and I hadn't fallen into any big, black, dark hole. In fact, I felt so much lighter. So I did this video today for two reasons. Don't judge intimate partner violence or domestic violence survivors. We did not choose violence. We chose to love a person who had no idea how to love us, who did not see our value, who did not see our worth. Because we all have value and worth. And as I always say, their vision problem is not your value problem. Because they didn't see how valuable we are is their loss. And I know without a doubt, there are people in your family and in your life who do. They're not the ones that are wrong. Hang on to them. The other reason I wanted to do this is because of the judgment. The people who think like, how can an intelligent woman fall for this? Intelligent women fall for this all the time because it has nothing to do with us. We did not do anything to deserve this, to. To spark it, to cause it to happen. All we did was love. So if you come across a domestic abuse survivor who is still struggling to admit they made a mistake to believe, to trust someone who dismisses the compliment instead of just saying thank you, tries to talk you out of giving them a compliment, just know that's a person healing. Just don't argue with them, support them, love them on a regular basis. Tell them how amazing you think they are there and don't be surprised if they don't believe you. But I pray that one day if this is you I'm talking to and you're the one that has gone on that journey, no, you didn't deserve it. No, you didn't do anything wrong. Know that you have value in the fact that they were blind to it or took advantage of you or whatever the case may be that is on them and it is time to let them carry the burden. You're not going to get the apology and if you did, it wouldn't be worth anything, right? You forgive yourself, please. I gave the eulogy at the funeral of my children's father and I honored that. I loved him more than anything and we had beautiful children as a result. And I was not lying because I did love him. I did not love what he did to me, but I loved him. I'm not going to carry hate because then that brings my past into the present and future. I'm gonna let them carry that. He's the one that's got to deal with what he did. I left and survived and I hope you can say that too. I'm gonna imagine some people may feel comfortable commenting, some may not. I hope you appreciated this video. Know that I'm loving the stuff in out of you and wish I could hug you and know that I see your value. And that's your assignment, to fill your life with people who see your value. Don't try to convince the people of your value, the ones that can't see it, because that's their vision problem. You can't change that. But you can surround yourself with people who do see your value. And you can believe us when we say you're beautiful inside and out. Until tomorrow. I love you. Take care. Bye. Bye.