What I Have Learned While Dancing on the Wall (Member Only Video)

Let's do this. My very first members only video. You know what this reminds me of? You wouldn't know this, but I'm going to tell you. Way back when, when I first started my business, which I'm in my 15th year, so 14 years ago, plus a couple months, I used to shoot a video every single day. I didn't have an audience, I totally didn't and I knew that. But I always shot my videos thinking of the woman that would one day watch my videos. Now back then it was all motivation and empowerment. I was targeting indigenous women that were struggling, that doubted their self esteem and their self worth like I had. And I wanted them to know they weren't alone. Now of course, my audience has morphed since then and this is actually a members only video. Even though this one I am releasing to the general public. So they know what to expect from my members only videos and they can decide if they want to sign up for my membership. But the reality is right now there are very few people in my membership. I'm actually kind of surprised there's anyone in my membership. I love that there is, but there's not a lot of you. But one day they might be. So I'm going to shoot these videos. Let's talk about it. Bonjour. Hi everybody, it's Sandy Boucher here. I'm Red Thunderbolt, woman of the Loon clan, a proud member of Same River First Nation in Northern Ontario. And welcome to my kitchen table, or actually my home office. Although had a girlfriend and her kids here this summer and we did have morning coffee at this desk. I get up ridiculously early, like between 4 and 5am if they were on vacation, why would they get up that early? But it turned out to be so absolutely amazing because I'd be sitting here working, putting away, doing whatever, and Sam would wake up. Sam's the mom, and she would come join me and we would have the most amazing conversations. Not the kind of conversations you have in front of teenagers, but the kind of conversations you have when two women get together, when two friends get together. And I just absolutely love that. So when I decided to do member only videos, like with everything in my business, why the intent? What's going to make these different? Why would anyone want to sign up to the membership to see these? Well, for one, I really want this to be a kitchen table chat. So I invite you to my kitchen table all the time, but I'm sharing information with you, or you know, I've got handouts for you. It's not really the personal stuff that you share over a kitchen table. So that's what these member only videos will be what I'm really going to focus on now. Mainstream calls it a growth mindset or the infinite game if you follow Simon Sinek. But and I love his work, do not get me wrong. But learning and becoming a better person than you were yesterday is a huge part of Anishinaabe culture. Learning from the lessons. It's why we value our elders so much. They've been around for for 70, 80 plus years. They've learned a lot along their life journey. So and so do I. And that's the point of these videos that I may share how to have successful indigenous engagement in my normal videos. But in these videos it's more how did I come to that revelation? What what happened in my journey to bring me to this knowledge, to this wisdom and hopefully by seeing how I learn from the world around me, you can learn to learn from the world around you and to take the lessons. Leave the rest as mom would say. Now as I mentioned, I do have I have a full ass piece of paper here this time, not just a little post it note. Going to move this a little bit closer so I don't need to keep leaning in. I am in my home office is what I was going to say. I have that horrible commute every morning from my bed to the coffee maker to my office. Which is why I get up so early. I'm in the office at about 5am but because I'm in my home office, you may see my sidekicks show up every now and then. And you've seen them in videos before. Sorry for the sleep slur. I actually bit the side of my cheek yesterday and every now and then. Not fun. See, I'm real. I do goofy things too. All the time. As I was saying, by the way, if you haven't figured out, this is way more informal. My videographer is not going to be editing these for me or adding in his fancy dancy stuff. It's going to be me. So it's just you and me. As I was saying, the sidekicks may join us. So first there's Stormy. And isn't that just the perfect name for Red Thunderbolt woman sidekick. Stormy's my tuxedo cat and I've had him since he was 8 weeks old and he just turned 3. And then through a series of events that could only be creator designed, involving family members and longtime friends of family and friends we haven't seen in ages, I ended up adopting Blue Baby blue, blue eyes. And she was a rescue. And she's three as well. So I didn't want Stormy. I wasn't originally thinking of getting a second cat. Stormy was awesome. Stormy kept me sane during lockdown. But as I started working more, I realized I didn't like the idea that Stormy could be lonely. And that's another thing about Anishinaabe culture. Humans are not above animals. We are not more important. We are just yet another creature on Mother Earth. So the idea of my camp being lonely was as devastating to me as thinking one of my children were lonely. So I thought Stormy needed a playmate. And we got blue. And it was the best decision I ever made. No, they don't always get along. They're siblings, but they do, for the most part. And they keep me entertained and they keep my home filled with love. And I'm never gonna complain about that. So that's my home. That's my sidekicks. The other thing I wanted to share is I don't just do videos. I do events as well. That's primarily my career. At the beginning of last week, I did a virtual one hour event on keynote engagement or keynote engagement. A keynote on indigenous engagement, a lunch and learn session, more than a keynote. And it was awesome. It's a group I've worked with a couple of times. They took advantage of my summer virtual event sale, and that was amazing. And then I got to emcee an event for Anishinaabe Asking Nation, which is one of the treaty organizations, and they look after Treaty nine. And one of the things I was reminded of, like, I think you can imagine emceeing an event. Like, lots of events have MCs, but it took me years to realize the events I emcee are not for the faint of heart. I could be doing events on domestic violence, missing and murdered Indigenous women and girls, on lateral violence. And this One was on 2S LGBTQI, QQIAP. And I'm sorry, sitting there listening to a youth panel of either two SLGBTQ kids or trans kids talking about the bullying they endure is not for the faint of heart. So that's what I was doing when I wasn't sharing videos with you. That is kind of every week changes for me. The events change, change. The topics change. Whether it's one of my seminars or keynotes or I'm assisting one of the First Nation agencies, I love what I do. It is not easy, however, but it's important. I love what I do. So as I shared in the community and I hope you're checking out my community and seeing my comments when I throw them in there. Yesterday I was feeling said there's no other word for it. And that is not a bad thing for everyone who wants to race and make me feel better, please don't because that's part of the learning process. I cannot love if I do not also feel sad. I. I welcome and embrace the entire spectrum of human emotions. I learned a long time ago that if you try to cut out the negatives, you cut out the positives as well. Follow Brene Brown and her work to learn about. But if there's one thing I've realized is and like I was saying in the beginning, life is a learning curve that as we go through it, we learn things, we're provided with lessons and teachings and I welcome every single one of them. And it is that unpacking of the lessons and the teachings that allows me to improve the work I do. I can offer better videos, I can offer better seminars and keynotes because I continue on that learning journey. And in case you haven't figured this out, and I'd be willing to bet you have, I am the eternal optimist. I believe in people. I believe in individuals and groups. I believe in the potential of individuals, groups and this country. I believe we can reconcile. I believe we can bring the eagle feather together. It's why I do the work I do. If I honestly now I'm going to come at this from the Anishinaabe side of things. If I honestly thought that non indigenous in Canada could never get it together, I wouldn't be doing this work. What would be the point? If there's one thing I learned in my younger years is that people tend to rise to the bar or lower themselves to the bar that we set for them. There I go with my face again that I reset for them. So if you have very low expectations of a person, there is absolutely no reason for them to deliver more. But. And if you have unrealistic expectations, they're probably going to get discouraged. But I don't believe my expectations are unrealistic. I believe in the potential of people to learn and change. I believe in the 99.9% of the people I meet have hearts in the right place. They're loving, caring people that just need more information. Wall metaphor. They want to get on the wall and dance. And even the trolls are so often someone who is either not heard or hurt or both and they lash out because of the anger and the frustration they feel. Now I'm not allowing Their comments to stay on my channel. We've discussed this before, keeping in a safe space, but I understand. So let's talk about the wall, because that's where this week's lesson came from, that wall metaphor. That I'm up dancing on the wall and I'm able to bop off into a First Nation community or bop off into Main, and I know who I am. I don't need that external validation. But what I came to realize this week is, for one, dancing on the wall means people can be throwing rocks from both sides. And two, you may be surprised at where they're standing. So to explain what I'm talking about, I work on both sides of the feather, and that is so incredibly important to me. On one side, I work in First Nation communities, largely with women and youth, sometimes with administration, but often on lateral violence, office on low self esteem, often on healing. And it's actually, I think it's hilarious when I go into the communities, because look at me, look at me. I don't look like your stereotypical Indigenous woman from a First Nation community. And what happens all of the time. It used to happen way more often. People know me now, so not as often. They know who I am, no matter how I look. But often I'll go into a First Nation community and the women or the audience will come into the room and I'll be there setting up. And I can almost hear their thoughts, like, who the heck is this? Why does she think she knows anything about us? Oh, this is going to be a glorified waste of time. You see the walls going up, that they have no interest in hearing what I say. Well, I learned a long time ago that if I want to reach anyone, I have to build the bridge. So when I'm in the First Nation community, I always start with my story. And I talk about the domestic violence. I talk about the poverty that had me selling furniture to feed my children. I talk about the time that I can't even count how many times alcohol blew my family apart. And one by one, you see the walls coming down as they identify with how I felt and what the experiences I had were. And by coffee break, we're laughing and goofing like we're sitting at a kitchen table. And then when we come back from coffee, it's like, okay, now we can talk about why I'm here. You take the time to build the bridge, and it works every single time. I expect that doubt, I expect that uncertainty, because I know how rare safe spaces for Indigenous people are, and I know how rare it is that we meet someone who totally understands or even partially understands where we're coming from. And nothing makes me happier than when we do connect because then I know I can help. But about I guess eight years ago now I started working with non indigenous corporations largely or large non indigenous non profits like hospitals and universities and colleges and all that stuff and they don't want to hear the story. They want a one hour lunch and learn get to the facts, give me a checklist, the 10 things I can do, the five things I must do, whatever it is. And it's like okay, that's the lesson, that's the style they're used to. If I'm. That's their language. If I'm going to reach them, I have to reach them in the way they're going to hear me. Now of course I'm sneaking in the story or two trying to introduce them to indigenous engagement even in the training I provide. But it's different. And with them I expect the questions that might be dipped in judgment with them I expect the. I don't know if that's true because they're really not used to the back to back teaching. They are so used to a white centered world that they have a really hard time understanding why it's different for us. And I expect that. A couple of things I didn't expect I should have in retrospect but I guess I'm now old enough, wise enough, educated enough, experienced enough to see the teachings I needed to see. And that's how I look at it for one and this goes back to my internal optimism and my. I can be incredibly naive sometimes, always in a hopeful way. I honestly thought, don't laugh at me, it allows me to do the work I do. I honestly thought that when a non indigenous entity corporation, whatever reaches out to me and wants to learn that they're actually open to change, that if I tell them the 10 things they need to do, they're going to implement all 10. Are any of you surprised that that is wrong? Because it so is. Sometimes all they're ready to do is hear me, they're not ready to act yet and other times they want to debate what I've told them. Like they have any experience with an indigenous lens. They still have to unpack that and other times they're looking for a pat on the back because they're so good because they brought me in, not really big into I'll give you them kudos for bringing me in. That does encourage me. We need more than that. And then some of them are interested in implementing one or two, especially if they can tell the world they implemented one or two for the brownie points. I don't think I've met any non indigenous corporation that is just the trust isn't there yet. I have stronger relationships I have to build with them. So that was the first one. That just because they open the door to me doesn't mean they will hear what I say, doesn't mean they believe it, doesn't mean they're going to act on it. That's more than a little discouraging. But it was the second one that knocked me on my ass this week and that was because now I've talked about the Indian in the cupboard before. So the indigenous employee that is often hired by these corporations and depending on the corporation and depending on the position, they may or may not have a voice. They have varying levels of power in this organization and it's usually a position that burns out incredibly fast. I knew that. I teach people that. I warn indigenous people to be careful when they take those positions. They better up their self care game. And I teach corporations not to have Indians in the cupboard, that you need to involve them in all aspects of your corporation, not just indigenous issues, pulling them out when you need them and then putting them back in their cupboard slash office. What I didn't see coming was the indigenous people working in these non indigenous audiences that take part in my training. Lateral violence is a thing. You've heard me talk about that before. It's one of the natural human reactions to oppression, the violence. And lateral violence is violence. Lateral violence is the pulling down of successful indigenous. I don't want you to rise up because I haven't. I don't want you to have a voice because I don't yet. It's now you often hear of the crabs in the bucket and there's another one out there, something about the tall flower, something. The one we heard for years was the two fishermen go out on the dock and there's two buckets of crabs. And the one bucket, the crabs are climbing out and scurrying all over the dock in the other bucket, the crabs are just inside the bucket. And the one fisherman asks the other one, what's with the crabs in the second bucket? Why aren't they trying to get out? And the other fisherman says, oh, that's because they're Indian crabs. And the first guy gets totally offended, like what the heck do you mean by that? That's awful. What are you talking about? He said, no no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the behavior when one tries to crawl out the other ones. P that's lateral violence. And what I realized this week is I need to be aware of indigenous people on staff for non indigenous agencies I speak to or corporations I speak to because they could react in so many different ways. They could feel very resentful of the fact that I have a voice. Imagine me coming in speaking my truth. The bosses are listening to me. And maybe the bosses don't listen to them. Maybe no one ever asked their opinion on this. Pretty easy to see where the resentment would come from. You hear a lot of, well, I don't believe that because they're trying to establish their value in this organization as well. It just happens to be aimed at me. One of the comments I heard this week was they resented when I referred to we and US Indigenous, implying in their words that all indigenous feel the same way. I have done so many videos on the fact that that is not true. But I am going to use we and us because I'm indigenous and that's my, my group, that's my jam. That's where I come from. That doesn't mean we all have to agree. And anyone who thinks that that's a stereotype, that's what you have to unpack. And it really. I told you know what, maybe I'm guilty of making them invisible too. Because no one, when we do the booking process and I'm talking to corporations, rarely do they mention how many indigenous staff they have. But it's something I'm going to ask in the future because I want to be respectful and empower those people. The other thing I'm never doing again is asking for the feedback. No, because in the words of Brene Brown, again, if you're not in the arena getting, you know, muddy and dirty and bleeding from the work, I have zero interest in your opinion. And those people may want to throw things at me, but I. And I know where it comes from and I definitely don't hate them, but it sure as hell don't have to get hit by it. So I don't want any judgment here. I don't want people saying, oh, they shouldn't do that because I know when they do it, they shouldn't be oppressed. Then they wouldn't react the way they do. So if you want to say something shouldn't happen, that's what shouldn't happen. But I got to do my part to empower indigenous that are trying to swim in a non indigenous stream. The Ones that are in non indigenous corporations. Usually when I'm on that side of the feather, I'm focusing on opening the eyes of the non indigenous. But there's indigenous there too that have to be honored. So in line with this, actually wrote a little poem. Hang on. It's on my other monitor and I hit it. For some reason, there it is. So for the employers out there or non indigenous employers, when you hire an indigenous person that can kind of go one or two ways, there's probably more ways. I'm going to acknowledge that. Don't crucify me for saying two, but so here it is. You hire them, they don't fit. They point out that doesn't work. This doesn't work. That has to change. They leave or get fired. Are they healed or unhealed? Answer, healed. They are unpacking. They are decolonizing. They are our future. You hire another. They give teachings. They encourage. They dismiss any other indigenous advice. They point out that they don't agree. Not all Indians. They convince the staff to dismiss those words. They, the staff don't want to disrespect. So they do. Is this person healed or unhealed? They are unhealthy, feeling valued and validated to a certain extent for the first time, this is their kingdom and no threats from outside are allowed. For the first time this week, I was speaking to yet another non indigenous corporation and of course they were talking about hiring indigenous. And for the first time, I directly said, I don't think you're there yet. I don't think you're ready to hire because you don't have the environment yet where an indigenous person would want to work. So you create this space. You won't have to worry about marketing. So that was my week. Gathering more puzzle pieces, learning from the process. And yes, it hurt. It made me sad that indigenous were dismissing what I said because they don't believe that way and not all of us. Why did she use we? It makes me sad. Not for me, but for that person. And maybe I'm gonna pray that they're 20 because they haven't had the opportunity and the time and the. The chance to heal yet. At 59, I probably would have said the exact same thing. At 20, that's not true. My mom was the judgy type. I've never been, largely because she was. But it took me to 59 to be able to hurt without anger, to be able to recognize and call it out without condemning. So I got to revamp the way I do things because that's what you do. My mom's words, Take the lesson, leave the rest. And I'm really happy it happened, even though it hurt, because I can be better now because of those lessons. And like I said in the beginning, that is the purpose behind these member only videos. So I can share what I learned from whatever experience. And maybe, just maybe, it'll encourage you to learn from your experiences. This is why I wrote my very first book. That was the purpose. And I love the fact that after 15 years, my purpose, my intent has not changed. We're at a different level, but it's still there. So I hope you enjoyed visiting me in my home office yet again. I hope you enjoyed this member video and I hope, like I said, this one's released to the public. The rest will not be. I really want to get close and and engage with my members. And I will see you for the live tomorrow that's open to everyone. So that's absolutely awesome. And then I will see you next week for the next round of videos which have already been recorded, which are off in my videographer's very capable hands. Which is why I'm not sending this one to him. He does enough. And I hope you have a super duper double delicious day and I'll see you tomorrow. I love you. Take care. Bye Bye.