How Do I Help My Child Through Competition?

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Hi, welcome to Talking Sex, a podcast with me, Dr. Marta. I'm a clinical psychologist trained in family therapy and every week I answer one of your real life questions offering new psychological understandings, ideas and suggestions to guide you. Before we begin, I always like to offer you a small pause, a mindful moment before we begin our conversation. Today I'm going to invite you to sit down. Obviously, if you are already there, great. If not, try and find somewhere that you can try and sit down, perhaps in a chair, somewhere that you can have your feet flat on the ground. All I want you to do is to place your hands perhaps on your lap and close your eyes. Try and focus on your breathing while I'm talking. Right now, just notice what's your breathing doing. Doesn't have to take very long, just a couple of seconds to notice where you are, how you are and what your body's doing and when you're ready. Let's begin.

Today's question is on competition with children and what to do when children completely withdraw. Let's have a listen.

Hello Dr. Marta, it's coming to that time of year where it's sports day. Last year my son became incredibly distressed about. He didn't want to take part in the sport, he didn't want to take part in the running, he doesn't want to take part in anything. For example, they had a baking competition for the coronation and he just didn't want to do it, anything at all that is slightly competitive. So for example, he was saying, I'm the slowest in my class so everyone always finishes before me, so I don't want to go to school. He's constantly comparing and competing. So I was just wondering if he could have a, any form of script or any sort of guidance around supporting them because through, through, you know, a competitive society and how to enter into those competitions because they unfortunately are unavoidable. So any guidance will be really, really appreciated. Thank you so much.

Oh, I think this is a really tricky question and probably one that lots of parents can also resonate with. I think competitiveness is one of those areas where parents sometimes struggle, kind of thinking about what to do for best. And from board games to sports to just realizing that somebody can do something better than you. Competitiveness is just a part of children's life. So teaching our children how to understand their feelings, moments where there is a sense of competition, whether there is a real competition like offered in this example or not is really important because it's actually a life skill that's going to help them learn how to celebrate when things go well and how to ride out those difficult emotions such as disappointment. The way I think about competition and competitiveness is that it is natural. It's kind of part of our human experience. It exists everywhere. And for me it's actually a really important process that children learn how to win and how to lose. So I've been told recently by some parents that some schools are no longer kind of offering medals for winners and that everybody gets a medal no matter where you get in the competition. I get the point of that, you know, I get the point of being inclusive and not letting kids down. And children need to learn how to lose. Children need to go through those really challenging emotions of disappointment and sadness and upset and anger and all of that kind of mixed up stuff that comes up when you've tried really hard to do something and you are not the winner, you have not achieved somebody is better than you. The reason for that is firstly because it builds resilience. So resilience is built on struggle. And if we avoid struggle, if we avoid losing, if we Avoid competitiveness. Our children cannot learn to move through some of these difficult feelings because our brains and our bodies don't learn to move through emotion without experience. So we need to go through this as hard as it is. We need to move through this in order to build resilience and learn how to cope. Cope. And for me, secondly, there is a much better way of showing kind of appreciation in children's effort and valuing differences in their skills and what they're good at than giving everybody the same, because everybody's not the same. And some people are faster runners than others. But some people are more skilled at doing other things, whether it's they have more precision in terms of doing a skill such as drawing or, you know, something that's really precise, like throwing a dart or something like that. And every single child's skill and effort should be celebrated in its kind of individuality and uniqueness. We don't have to give children everything the same, and we don't have to treat them like they're all the same, because they're not. They're unique individuals and they're different. And they're gonna be better at some things and worse at others, because we all have different strengths and weaknesses. And that shouldn't be something that we're ashamed of or that we hide or that we try and mask in some way. It should be something that we accept. We're all flawed adults, too. Of course we are. And the more we become aware of what our weaknesses are and where our strengths lie, the more we can work through things. So. So it's the same with our children. We have to help them see these ideas. When we think about competition and this concept of winning and losing. And although children are not going to understand those complexities and what tends to happen is that they simplify things into very concrete, literal basics, such as winning is good and losing is bad. And therefore, if I'm losing, I'm bad at something and I don't want to try. And we need to help them accept defeat and accept winning in different ways without big explosions of emotion. And of course, initially, when your child is small, avoiding the big explosions is pretty much impossible. And I would say the big explosions are important. They are allowing your child a release, and they are supporting them over time. If you respond in the right way, they're teaching them how to regulate those big emotions. With your help in this podcast, I'm firstly going to try and talk to you about the pros and cons of competitive situations, just so we have a clear idea because, you know, there's good things and there's bad things, and these are important to think about. Overall, I think competition actually is a learning experience and it is important for children to go through it. And then we're going to have a think about how we support and invite children to engage in competition without just thinking that there's only two outcomes. You're either a winner or you're a loser. Because it's not just about that. Competition is so much more than that. So let's get into it because this is a really big topic and I will probably just be skimming the surface, but hopefully it will be useful to you. So let's think about what competition teaches that isn't just winning and losing. First of all, for me, competition teaches children how to collaborate and communicate, particularly if it's something team related. Okay. And it doesn't have to be team sports. There's lots of other competitions that might be team work. So. So I know at school that sometimes they do posters or they do science competitions or even baking competitions, but they might do it in groups. And therefore what children start to learn is how to communicate with others, how to collaborate with somebody else, how to use different skill sets to achieve the same outcome together. And there's lots of research on this in terms of children who play team sports showing things like less signs of anxiety, less signs of withdrawal and social problems and greater focus. And it's because it supports the brain learning these different skills in a way that means that children are not just thinking about themselves, they're thinking about participating with others and working together in a kind of social group to achieve something. So for me, team sports and team competitions can be so helpful and so great in building skills for children, but also, you know, developing social skills and relationships. So that's one positive thing. For example, a team competition that isn't about winning and losing, it's about developing lots of really great skills. Another area that a competition brings up is that children get to see their strengths and as well as their weaknesses. And this is a pro and a con all packaged into one. Because as children compete over time, they start to see what they're really good at. For example, if your child doesn't run very fast, they might learn that they're not a very fast runner. So that might be a weakness if the competition is speed, but perhaps your child is a long distance runner, because often it is the children who run a bit slower who can actually run, run a bit further. And therefore that weakness in one situation is a strength in another area. But children don't learn that unless we explore their weaknesses and think about how we can reframe and work on them as strengths. And of course, children tend to compare themselves to others to judge what their strengths and their weaknesses are. This is also where they derive that kind of sense of self esteem outside of the home, because children do comparisons with other peers and at particular ages, and I would say around the age of 6 to 8 and then above that social status can become really important for children, which can be one of those cons of competition that children who are not doing very well in certain areas may feel like they have a sense of shame or they have a sense of I'm not good enough because they may be influenced by those peers who are better at them in those areas. But competitions can direct children to think about their talents and their skills and the things that they are good at outside of these areas. So some children are simply not the fastest runners as an example that I'm going to keep holding on through this podcast.

But.

But they might be incredibly creative or incredibly good at thinking logically. So when it comes to a different kind of competition, one which gives them opportunity to showcase those skills, they're going to be like flying miles ahead of the faster runners because we're not all made the same. So when we think about inviting and engaging children in competition, then. But also think about who they are. And do not dismiss times when your child says, but I'm not very good at this because it's about hearing that and empathizing. And children become very aware around the ages of 6 to 8 about the things they are good at and the things that they're not. So don't dismiss it. Actively respond by saying, I hear you, you're not a very fast runner. That's really hard. And these other children in your class, they run so much faster than you. But can we have a think about the things that you are really good at that those kids may not be as good as you? And where are the things that you are kind of going further ahead than other children in your class? What are the hobbies? What are the skills? What are the interests that your child has that puts them ahead of others in different areas? Okay, can we expand and explore this conversation to help children see beyond just losing at a running competition and see themselves as a whole person? And before children can do that, that's a really big skill to be able to see yourself as a whole person. They need you to guide them through this conversation because it's A really challenging one. And they are just fixated on the one thing they can't do very well. So open it up, expand it, really brainstorm. And you, I say this a lot, but you as a parent, you are the expert in your child. You know your child best. So really think about their strengths. And this leads me on to the next point about competition, which is that it can really help you recognize their strengths and weaknesses and therefore help you think about ways that you can celebrate and value the things that your child is good at. So think a little bit. Where in your home life and everyday life can you put your child's skills, their strengths into service, if you will? How can you help them have a greater voice or an opinion or a say, or even an active role in areas around your home or which allow these skills to be honed? You know, the things they're really good at. How can you celebrate this in your home and show them how important those skills are in everyday life? So again, if you know somebody who's not a very fast runner, maybe at home they can be really great in creative or design or logic or whatever it is. And how can you use that day to day in your family home and show them value for it? So perhaps they're the ones who design how birthday parties are going to be decorated, or they're the ones who create the decoration on top of the cake, or they're the ones who are creating the musical playlists. When you have a party, whether it's for children or for adults, that you're actually asking for their opinion and saying what? What kind of music would go with this theme or with this idea or with this party? How can you ask your child and involve them in these things that give them a sense of value for the skills that they've already got. I've narrowed this down and of course children have skills in like, you know, thousands of different areas, so many different areas that you can probably think of, but these are just little examples to kind of guide you. So really think outside the box. How can you bring value and kind of shine a light on the skills and strengths your child has that can make them feel like they're already really good at something? And therefore being the slowest runner in the class isn't the be all and end all because they have all these other skills that they've already appreciated on a day to day basis.

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Finally, even though this is not the last point about the the kind of pros or cons of competitiveness, but this is the last one I'm going to share with you today. It's really important when we think about competition that we also consider that what we're teaching children is a growth mindset which feeds into resilience. Stress is inevitable in our lives and we all need to practice at getting back on task when something is hard. We all need to practice how to move through disappointments and difficult emotions, to find a sense of worth in ourselves, and to find the kind of determination or encouragement to do better. Because if we see mistakes as failures as an end point, then we are missing the opportunity to learn and improve. So a competition. And again, I'm going to use the same example. A running competition might teach a child that they don't run very fast, and we can reframe this as a way of learning where they've got areas that they can grow and develop from. So if a child isn't a very fast runner, is that because this skill isn't something that they practice a lot? How much sport do they do that involves fast running? Is fast running something they'd like to get better at or would like at least not to come last in the class? In which case could they practice? Are there other ways that they can develop a fast running skill either through team sports or through doing a little bit of track running? Or There are so many ways that we can help children reframe losing as an area for skill growth where they can develop skills that maybe they didn't realize they were lacking in. And this is a form of learning. This is a form of seeing a loss, a Disappointment, an upset, as an opportunity to learn and improve ourselves. And of course, again, I've just used running as an example. But this applies to any kind of competition, whether it's a bake sale or it's some kind of drawing competition or anything else. One of the things that competitions really shine a light on is areas of skill which are a weakness. And like I said before, sometimes that can help you think about where does your child have areas of strength that you can build up and celebrate and value more so that they see themselves as a whole person? And how can they learn from this? If it really matters to them to be a good runner or a fast runner, or, you know, good at baking or good at drawing or whatever it is, then perhaps we can use that as a motivation because that's how we can think about it. That actually the stress of competition can lead children to become self motivated in developing areas of skill that perhaps they never had before. So rather than seeing a loss as it's the end of the road, it could actually be a beginning. A beginning of becoming a faster runner, becoming a better baker, you know, becoming better at drawing or whatever it is. Right. So we need to think about this in terms of resilience, in terms of growth, and in terms of this idea about growth mindset, which is we can learn from our failures, we can learn from our mistakes, and we can definitely learn from our weaknesses and make them areas of strength. And I'll just pause here and say something like personal, because I think if you hear this, it can feel like it sounds great. But this is really hard. And I'm going to say here and now, it is really hard. And it's not necessarily something that your child is going to develop in the next six months or years. Okay? This could be a lifetime development. I was the slowest runner in my class. This is a fact. I was not very good at running. I had asthma. I also felt a little bit like this boy in this question, that running was pointless because I was not very good at it. It took me until my mid-30s to get into running. And I love running. And I am not fast, but I can run long. Like I am a good long distance runner. I love running a half marathon and running is a part of my life now, whether it's competitive or not, I don't really care. It is something I fully enjoy. And for me, that area of weakness that kind of followed me through my entire academic school schooling has become a source of strength because running is a little bit of my sanctuary. And it's become something that I think makes me feel proud. I'm a runner. Like, I think of myself in that way. I am a runner, and I am really good at this, and it's taken me years to get here, but that doesn't diminish the effort or the growth or the improvement that I've made on myself and my. My entire life, really, because running's helped me in so many areas. But when I think about children kind of getting stuck in an area of weakness, like, I feel it, I understand it, I think we all can. So even if. If you're listening to this as an adult and you are an excellent runner, because that's obviously the example I've been using throughout, I want you to just stop and think, where do you have areas of weakness? And have you ever challenged yourself to try and get better at those things? Or have you just given them up? Because as adults, there's something really powerful in role modeling this to our children, that sometimes things are really hard, but we can do better if we practice, if we work hard at something. And if your child witnesses you do this in areas that you struggle with, you're also teaching them a really huge lesson that goes beyond the words that you might say to invite them into a competition, which is, you know, you don't have to be good at everything, but when you try hard and you're committed at learning at something or improving in some areas, then you gain something. And what you gain is for you. And it will make you feel good, because it will. Okay. Doing things that are hard can really help make us feel good, because it can feel good to feel like we've got grit and determination and that even if we're not very good at something, we're not just going to give up. We're going to see it as a learning opportunity. So consider that for yourself as an adult. Where are there areas that you can show your child that you are pushing yourself? And I'll give another little kind of personal example here. Here. You know, in our household, we are bilingual, but I'm multilingual, so I speak three languages fluently, and my husband only speaks one. And over the past three years, he has been really pushing himself to learn another language, something which to him was something he could not do. So all throughout his school years, he just thought, I can't do this. I'm really bad at this. And again, yep. So, you know, mid-30s, early-40s, is when he decided, okay, I'm gonna do this. So it's never too late. And it's so important because our child is watching him work really hard at learning something that he finds really hard to do. But when he does so, firstly, our child is really proud and really pleased to see her daddy talking a different language, a language that she associates with me and with herself in terms of identity. But also he feels really proud. He's like, I can do this thing that I never thought I could do, and I will never be fluent, but I'm doing pretty well. So think about it, because these things are important. What we're modeling to our children are such strong messages. And again, for me, it is competition that can bring this out from. For us, showing our areas of weakness can help us see where are areas where I can grow and improve and be motivated to move towards that. Okay, now let's have a think. What do we do to invite our child into competitions? So first and foremost, I'm going to say you need to play lots of games with your child. Because when you play competitive games with your child, you allow them a safe space to win or lose. And for this, you know, you can start with small board games or you, you know, if you're more sporty, then you can get into physical sports. But what you want to do is, first of all, prepare. Before you play any kind of competition with your child, try and prepare them to think, how will it feel if they lose? And how will it feel if they win? And this is important because when we prepare our children, it's kind of like we equip them with a toolkit before they need it to really reflect on what emotions might this bring up for them. And talking about what happens allows them to project themselves into the future. So the possibility of losing comes into their mind. And we can work through this problem before it happens. So if your child is really scared of losing, think with them what will happen if they lose. They'll get upset, they'll get sad. How can you help them in that moment? Will they need a cuddle? Will they need a break? Breaking in a game to just have a glass of water, whether it's a board game or a physical game. And just taking a pause to regulate their emotions is not a bad thing. It's a good thing. We don't have to call it quitting. They can come back to the game and think more strategically. How am I going to win this board game? Or how can I do better than what I'm doing? Or if it's a physical sport, what do I need to think of? Or what areas is this making me Think I need to practice. Secondly, don't let your child win all the time. So children who are scared of losing often make their parents scared that they will lose. And what tends to happen is, we let our children win. Now this makes complete sense. Okay? It's kind and it's thoughtful. And as adults, we're always going to do a bit better than children. This makes sense. However, as I've said multiple times on this podcast, experiencing disappointment is really important. And helping children learn how to lose is totally necessary if we're going to build resilience. And when your child is out in the real world, like at school, they're going to experience losing. They're not going to be on top of the time. And it's a really hard lesson to learn without you by their side. So start at home where you can offer them support and guidance, where you can be their safe space to think about how it feels. And like I've talked about in other podcasts, you know, when sadness is around, you don't have to fix it. You just have to hold it. You have to empathize with a sense of disappointment in losing. You have to allow them to feel, and you just have to be there to hear it out. So it might sound like you're really upset that you lost, you tried really hard, and still you didn't win. I get it. It's really sad to lose. That's okay. You're allowed to cry now. Let's think about you again. Another way to really model something useful to children is to show them what graceful winning and losing looks like. And it's one of the simplest things that we can do as long as we are conscious and aware of what we're doing. It's incredibly effective in helping children learn socially appropriate responses at these competitive times. This doesn't mean you can't celebrate your wins. Celebrating your wins is important, and you're allowed to be happy about winning. And you can show genuine appreciation of those who have participated with you. Think about the best sports people that you know or, you know, people you admire in sports, people who are really well liked in sports. Even when they win, they're very gracious and they tend to celebrate their opponents. Why? Because without an opponent, there is no competition. So. So they can't be showcasing their skills if there's no one there to showcase them against. So think about this instead of times when you lose and saying, oh, you always win. And I think as adults, sometimes those kind of like, noises and sounds and even facial gestures will come out without Us noticing some of it's unconscious because we feel disappointed that we've lost in some way. But instead, let's try saying other things, such as well played. That was such a good game. Oh, I really wish I'd won. But that was good fun. We need a rematch. And when you win, of course you're allowed to celebrate. But if you're going, woohoo, I'm the best, I win, you are modeling something to your child. Okay? Remember that. It is a much healthier way of celebrating being like, yes. That was such fun. Thanks guys. You made that so good. Oh my God. I think we should play again. That was really good fun. Have you got time for another round? Can we do another game? And one of the things I want to add here is that we should be doing more competitive things with our children. Yeah, we should. We should be giving them these experiences in our home with siblings, cousins, friends, ourselves. We really need to give our children these competitive experiences in our home so that they learn how to move through all these things. And so you can open up conversations about competition. Not just being about winning and losing, about it being about building all these different skills. Skills before they get invited into competitions at school with tons of peers who have different skills and abilities that might feel really overwhelming and intimidating to some children. And while we're here, let's not forget that praise is also very important. I am absolutely not against using praise for children all for it. But let's be really mindful about what we are emphasizing, where we're praising children. Because if all we emphasize is the outcome, then we are inadvertently reinforcing the need for winning or getting good results over the importance of participating, learning, communicating with others, and thinking about the skills that we need to keep growing and developing and pursuing. So it's important to tell children how proud we are of their achievements. Of course it is. And if they win the medal, it's really important to celebrate that. And we can add thought and consideration to the effort they put in any activity, regardless of whether they've won or not. So try and be more descriptive and highlight areas that you are really proud of. For example, instead of winning, Woohoo, you won. I'm so proud of you. You were so fast. Try and think, woohoo, you won. You worked so hard to get here. All that practice really worked out for you. We want to put more emphasis on effort and skills and how has your child got to this place? And if your child has lost, rather than focusing on the losing, that might sound something like, oh, you Lost. But don't worry, you can do better next time. Try again, more descriptive. Okay. Oh, you lost and you look so sad. I'm really sorry. You know, running isn't something that we do very much, is it? I wonder if maybe we need to do a bit of practice. Maybe we can have a think about doing some running at the weekend. I don't mind going to the park with you and doing a bit of running. Have a. How would that feel? And maybe next time you won't feel like you've lost because you might have gained a few places in that race. Should we give that a try?

So, to end, I want you to think about competition, not just about winning and losing. I want you to think about competition, not just about winning and losing, but about all the useful skills that children are learning. Growth, mindset, communication, appreciating their strengths alongside their weaknesses, and also building a sense of inner motivation to do better next time, to develop and hone skills that will allow them to think of themselves as a whole person. And do see competition as something that can be really positive for children and. And see yourselves as having a role in this, in the way that you communicate about it, in the way that you think about it, and in the way that you encourage children to make the effort to showcase what they can do in particular areas. And sometimes they're not going to be the best, but that doesn't mean it's the end of the road for them. It might actually be just the beginning.

And we're coming to an end. Thank you so much for joining me on another Talking Sense podcast. I always like to end with a little mantra, and today this mantra is for you as much as it is for your child. The mantra is, I am worthy and I am enough. If you found this podcast useful, don't forget to rate and review on the app you listened on. And if you'd like to learn a bit more about teaching children skills and also learning frustration tolerance, have a look at my Confident Parent course where I walk you through in step by step guides. I hope you have a restful week and that you choose to come and join me again on another Talking Sense podcast. Until then, see you soon.

This holiday season, millions of families will pack their bags, load up the car, and head off for a family vacation. But not every trip is going to be somewhere fun. The American Red Cross responds to about 7,000 emergencies during the holiday season alone, from home fires to natural disasters, providing families a safe place to go when the unthinkable happens. But they can't do it without your support. Please donate@redcross.org.

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