How Do I Talk To My Children About Our Separation?

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Today I'm just going to invite you to take a mindful moment to purposely focus your attention on the present. So notice how the air smells around you or how it feels as you're walking, or perhaps you're driving, or perhaps you can hear the sound of the birds singing outside. Just notice what is happening right now in your body and around you. And when you're ready, let's begin.

Today's question is on parental separation. Let's have a listen. Hi Marta, Me and my husband have recently decided to separate and we are not sure how to begin explaining this to our three year old daughter. Although it is amicable and we want as little disruption as possible for her, she will inevitably have two separate homes, but we want her to still know that our relationship will not change with her. Thank you for any advice. I really appreciate this question because I work with families in all stages of the family cycle and that means that I often do see families who are going through separations that are more long term and that bring changes to their everyday lives. So I really welcome this opportunity to talk with you about this and hopefully offer you some ideas and suggestions that can guide you in thinking about what your family needs at this moment. If you're going through a relationship separation. But hopefully also what it will give you is some positive hope for the future. Because I think when parents go through a separation, it can feel really heavy. It can also be very filled with guilt that you haven't been able to maintain a long term relationship. I know most couples, when they get together and form a family, they're not doing so with the view of separating. And I think we have these really strongly held narratives in our society about, you know, life together as a couple and, you know, happy ever after. And that isn't true, that's not the reality. So I want to give you some hope as parents and I also want to give you some support and some strategies that I hope will help and guide you. And I will also end by offering you some resources because I think that separating can be amicable, it can work really well between two co parents and it can bring up lots of challenges and difficulties too. And if that's the case, I want you to know that you're not alone, that you can turn to others to get some support and some guidance and some advice and that you can do this together as a couple or as individuals, see what fits. So I'm going to offer you some resources as well at the end, which is not something I do on every podcast, but I think this is the kind of podcast where it makes sense to do so. So first and foremost, I want to focus on you. Because separating affects everybody. But the loss of a future together as a couple can be really painful. And even if you've already transitioned through this phase as a couple, but you're still living in the same home, sharing the same space with your children, then I think it's really important that the first thing that you do is focus on you really think about what you need to manage this adjustment because there's going to be times where you feel quite positive and like this is obviously the right decision that you're making as a couple. And there's going to be times where you are flooded with emotion and possibly grief and loss and all of this is normal. However you're feeling is completely normal. But before you start having these conversations with your children, I really want you to, to look after you, to think about who your support network is, who can you share this big change that you're about to go through as a couple and as a family, who can you rely on to support you? Whether it's practically or emotionally or even just giving you a break and having some fun social time? Think about your network of support. Think about the things that you need to feel okay. Because we know as a fact through evidence that children who live with parents who are unhappy in their relationships have worse outcomes long term than those whose parents are separated or divorced. But they're happy individuals. And this isn't really surprising because we know that children learn about relationships through modeling. So what they see happening between you as a couple is what they start to learn is normal in a relationship. And so when parents are in relationships that are quite fraught or have a lot of conflict, it can lead to children, children showing signs of distress, but it can also lead long term to children thinking that conflict in a way that might be unhealthy or painful is normal and that without that there isn't a relationship. So I want you to know that if you've taken what is often a difficult decision to separate as a couple, I want you to know that this isn't going to harm your children necessarily. Yes, it's going to take time to adjust to this change as a family. It's, it is a really big change and little ones in particular may take a bit longer to adjust. But over time, what you are doing is something positive for you and hopefully something positive for your children because they're going to learn that to be a healthy, happy adult doesn't mean putting up in living in a relationship that doesn't fulfill you or make you happy. Do think about your relationship ending. And if you're able to do this with your partner, that's going to be even greater. But if you can't try and do it by yourself, get a notebook or talk to a friend about it. And this is really the beginning. Okay. This is so important, I think, before you start having a conversation with your child, because one of the things that you need first of all is to feel as settled as you can be in this moment with your decision and as well supported as possible because you may need some support when you start talking to your child as well. And as a couple, as co parents, you need to have an idea of a shared story that you're going to feel comfortable to share with your child. Now this can feel really difficult because every family story is unique and I can't tell you what your story is, but whether it's as a co parenting team or as a solo parent, because I Know, for some parents this conversation cannot happen with another. Or when the time feels right, you need to have an open conversation with your child about the separation. And to do so you need to begin with a story. And that story needs to be honest. But it does not have to have all the details of why you have chosen to separate with each other. I would always, no matter what the age of your child, keep the story as simple and neutral as you can, at least at the beginning. Because we want to be child appropriate as much as possible. We also want to model to our children that adults have private lives and your private life doesn't have to be shared fully with your child. There are so many reasons why adults will choose to separate. And some children don't need to understand the nitty gritty of all of this. They just need to have a story that contains them enough, gives them enough of a grounding about what has happened and why you might not want to be together. You will have very clear reasons about why you're not going to be living together anymore or having a romantic relationship. But because you have a child in common, you will always be parents and you will always be co parents. And this is something to reflect on, if you're able to together, but at least as individuals, about the kind of co parent that you want to be. And we know that one of the best outcomes for children, whether their parents are living together or not, is to be able to witness parents who have a good enough civil relationship, parents who are respectful to each other, parents who might be thoughtful of each other and show caring. Because you might not be showing caring or affection in a romantic way, but you can show that, that you have affection and care towards the other parent of your child in a way that helps your child think that as a family you still have a bond that unites you. So this is something to really think about. Who do you want to be in this separation? How do you want to show up in the relationship with the other? And you're doing this for your child, you're doing this to give them that sense that although you don't live together, you may no longer be in love with each other, you still care for each other as co parents. So for me the story could be really simple. As simple as something like we have decided that we don't want to live together anymore. We will always be your parents, but we don't want to be a couple anymore. So Mummy and daddy or Mummy and mummy or Daddy and daddy have decided that we're going to live in Separate homes. And you will have a room in both homes, because instead of having one house, you will now have two. And even if this is true, we want you to know that we will always be a family. Now, this point is really important, and to some parents, this can feel really upsetting. But you need to remind your child that they have a family, that you are a family. Whether you're a unit of three or four or five. You want to help your child understand that your romantic relationship may change, but their status of having a family will never, ever shift. Because as I was saying before, and I was trying to guide you to this place in the conversation is that you're always going to be co parents and you will always be family to your child. Your child will always look at you and think of you as their family. And you need to give your child permission to think of you in this way, whether you are separated in different houses, whether you end up in a different couple relationship. So what happens is your family grows. It expands spans. We may think of this as blended families. You want to help your child feel reassured that they always have their core parents. Their love for you is not going to change, and your love for them isn't either. And the way you think about this is by saying, we're always going to be a family, even if we don't live in the same house all the time, we will always be your mummy and daddy, your mummy and mama, your papa and daddy. Really important, because we want to say to our children, your world is going to look a little bit different. Okay, Some things are going to change in terms of practicalities. But one thing is for sure and certain, you have a family. You are loved. And the love that we have for each other does not change any of this. Now, I'm very aware that for some couples, this is incredibly difficult to share. And again, in an ideal world, you share this conversation both together with your child or your children so that they get a united front, so they can see that you're both in this together, that you're both giving them the same message. But I know for some couples, this is really difficult. And of course, when there's a separation, for. For some couples, what happens is there's lots of hurt feelings. There might be wounds, and it might feel really difficult to say that you're still a family when one of you or both of you are feeling really hurt. Which is why I started this podcast by saying, really consider what you need. What do you need to be able to offer this kind of safe space? To your child to get the reassurance alongside the practical messages that they may need to hear. And of course, I made up that story based on just kind of general terms around families who have separated and have two homes, etc. One of the things that I would say is that you can adapt that story, and it's really obviously important that you do so and give your child the information that they need. You don't have to give your child tons and tons and tons of information at a first conversation. So I would say this first conversation with your child about your separation, when you agree to do it together as a couple, when you invite your child to come and listen and have a think, you want to set it up in a way that means that, you know, it's the first conversation of many. Your child is likely to come back and ask you questions about it. They're likely to kind of listen some children and may say, yeah, okay, and just kind of move on and play. And it might look like they're fine, but also they might not have heard you. That is fine. Let it go. Let them play. Come back to it another day. You need to see this as like little steps for other children. What might happen is they have big feelings. They might get very upset, they might get very worried, they might get scared, they might get incredibly angry. They may blame one or the other of you. Again, when you have prepared for this conversation, it can really help because you can, again, hopefully together, show a united front to their big feelings. You need to allow your child to feel whatever they're feeling. And even if they say hurtful words to one or more of you, you need to see this as a signal of their emotional upset and distress and try in that moment to just stay calm, to just say something reassuring like, it's okay. You're allowed to feel that way and give your child some space to calm down, of course, and emotionally regulate, but also just to feel like. Show your child that they're allowed to have these big kind of outbursts of emotion. If they show them and that the conversation doesn't have to continue in that moment, you can come back to it, slow everything down. Children do need to know the basics of what is going on, and they do need a space to ask questions. But none of this has to happen all at the same time. You can come and revisit this as often as it feels safe and possible to do so, or be led by your child when they start to ask questions. I would definitely think that if you're having this as a First conversation you share with your child that you're going to keep talking about it, particularly if you're still in the same home and you haven't moved out or physically separated yet. You can say, you know, we're still going to live together until whoever it is is finding a new home or until we find somewhere else to live ourselves. And during that time, you can ask us any questions you have and we can talk about this whenever you want to and bring it up yourself. Okay? Don't wait for your child to come to you. Find the space and the time and bring this up, because ending relationships is really hard, even when it's for all the right reasons, including a positive future long term for all of you. But it's okay to let your child know that this is a hard conversation. So the other thing I really want to add in this part of the conversation is that you're allowed to have big feelings too. And having this conversation with your child may mean that you know you're going to be flooded with emotion. This might not be a reason to not have the conversation. What it might mean is that you need some support. So again, if you're able to, as a couple, think about the one who's going to share the story and think about the one who might need a little bit of extra emotional support, which may mean have some tissues ready and give yourself permission to feel and share with your child that this is also hard for you. It's okay for children to see your tears. It's okay for children to see you mourning the loss of your relationship with your partner. It's actually really important because it shows children that there is a strength in the love of your couple relationship that was there, that was meaningful, that was important. Those memories you created as a family matter. And now if you're choosing to separate, it's okay to say to your child, this feels like the right decision for us as adults, as parents, but it's still really hard and we are feeling really sad about it. And it's okay. You're allowed to feel whatever you feel and it's also okay for us to be sad. And this is really important because I've met with so many parents who are concerned about the tears coming out. And if you're a solo parent, that makes more sense to me because you feel all alone with the responsibility of this big, huge conversation. And again, what I would say is, who can you pull into the conversation? Who can you bring as a source of support? Is it a friend? Is it your child's godparent? Is it a sibling? Is it, is it a grandparent who can be there to just hold your hand through this so that you can have the conversation with your child whilst knowing that there's someone there to give you that emotional and physical support? You don't have to do this on your own and you can show your child and model it very beautifully that when things are difficult, we reach out to others for help. And that is not a sign of weakness, that's a sign of strength in knowing what your limitations are and in knowing what's going to help you get through what is often a very moving and challenging conversation.

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As I've said, this is the first conversation of many and one of the things I really want to touch on here is on you as a couple that is separating. And I really want to happens after this conversation because with the best will in the world, when adults are separating and they're upset or angry with each other, misunderstandings can easily occur. And I think if you're still cohabiting, sharing the same home, or even if you've separated but you know, start to learn that you're making different decisions, it can be a really vulnerable time for you and for your child who may begin to witness more conflict than before or they can start to experience their parents locked in a battle that can feel really confusing and frightening to them. So always trying to remember that you are going to be parents forever and that to your child you are their family whether you're together or not. Think about how you can protect your child from adult Conflict as much as possible, possible. And I say that genuinely, with as much as possible being the focus, because sometimes it's not going to be able to happen. Sometimes you won't be able to contain the argument. And if this is the case, then one of the things I really want you to try and do is repair. If your child has seen you in conflict with your partner, it's so important that what you do is you have a conversation with your child.

You.

That again, doesn't have to be very long, but it has to be grounding, containing, safety. Okay, this is what we're trying to give our children a sense of safety in our relationship, that you can share a little bit of a story about your conflict. Again, keeping this very simple and brief, because the real focus is the repair. And what we want to say to a child might sound a bit like, the other day you saw me and your other parents shout at each other. I'm so sorry. That must have been really frightening for you. We got angry with each other, and it is not okay to shout. I'm sorry you had to see that, and I'm sorry you felt scared. I'm here for you. We're going to try really hard to not argue like that again. But sometimes as parents, we get it wrong. But I want you to know that we love you, that that argument was not your fault, and that if there's anything you want to ask or say to me, I'm here for you. You really want to repair and share with your child that the conflict was nothing to do with them. Again, we want to make sure that our children know we're not separating because of them. And that as adults, when we're shouting at each other, we are acknowledging and owning the fact that that's not okay. Because if we want to te children how to be angry, we need to model that too. But of course, we're humans, so there's gonna be time where you lose it and you get it wrong. And that is okay. It's okay to show your humanity to your child. But what your child needs to have afterwards, again, is that sense of safety and security, that you are aware that the shouting to each other was frightening to them or scaring them or upsetting them, and that it's not okay that you're going to try and work on this and do stay accountable to that. Do try and work on this again. You may not have, like, romantic feelings towards each other as a couple, but you need to try as, as much as you can to have a conversation about how you can have conflict away from your child witnessing it and feeling responsible for it, or feeling scared about what's happening between their parents. And you may also have to have a conversation about repair. If you are able to repair together and sit with your child as a team, a parenting team, and say, we are sorry that you saw us arguing or you overheard us arguing and we're sorry that it made you feel scared or upset, we want you to know that it wasn't your fault that whole conversation. If you can do that together, then I would say that's wonderful. If you're not able to do that together, you may still have to have a conversation together about how you have this separately. And remember the relationship with you, you have with your child is individual and unique. So I know for some couples, one of the parents may say, I'm not repairing or it wasn't my fault. So I'm not saying sorry, that happens. And although that might not be the most containing thing for a child, that the thing for you to remember is that the only responsibility you have is towards your relationship with your child. You can't control your partner, your co parent, you can't make them apologize or take any of these steps forward. But if this feels important to you, if it makes sense, what I'm saying here about repair, which is the most healing thing you can do after a conflict with a child, it's about you owning that and having the conversation with them. And if your co parent, your ex partner, is not going to do the same, you need to let that go. Because at the end of the day, as parents, whether we are in a couple relationship or not, we are developing individual relationships with our children and we're only responsible for ourselves. So I'm in a couple relationships, but I would say that me and my husband don't necessarily respond to our child exactly the same every time. And she has unique and individual relationships with both of us. And that is healthy. Okay, it builds flexibility. But when you are in a couple that is separating and you are co parenting, see this as an opportunity to begin to learn what it's like to just accept that the other does things differently from you. And, and that, yes, that may have a different impact on your child to the one that you're aiming for or working on with the same child in your home. And that is okay, because part of it is about children adapting to this situation, adjusting to the situation and developing greater flexibility. And you know, developing flexibility is not a bad thing. Learning that they can have two different relationships and even two different rules in different homes is not necessarily a bad thing. It can grow their minds into opening up and learning new things and learning new social skills. So just remember you're responsible for yourself. Think about how you want to show up around your child, which is the first thing I mentioned on this podcast, and hold on to those values. Do try as much as you can to to involve and engage your co parent and see how much of it you can coordinate and do jointly whilst always remembering that to your child you are always a family. I just want to end on a little summary of points for you to remember. I feel like I've said a lot, but also I've kind of summarized it very quickly and I know it can be hard. If need be, you may need to re listen to parts of this podcast podcast and just slow it all down. You know, remember, go at your own pace. There is no right or wrong, there is no specific time when you have to share this information. It needs to feel right to you. It needs to feel like a useful conversation for all of you as a family. So first and foremost, you know, remember to be available to your child and that your child is going to need some time and space and privacy. So can you sort out their feelings and their relationship with you? I also want to add in this point that sometimes older children, particularly school age children, and more specifically teenagers, may not want to talk to you, but they may reach out to a friend or the parent of a friend or even another family member see this as a positive thing. Often children want to protect you, their parents, from how they're feeling or the thoughts that they're having. And particularly if they know that you're also struggling with the separation, which by the way is normal and human. I will repeat that it's really important that you see this as a really positive thing, that your child is talking to another. And as a parent, just for your own safety and your kind of grounding, do think about who is in your network, which is one of the first things I talked about on the podcast. And if possible speak to them about the fact that maybe your child will turn to them and if that's the case, that it's okay to talk to them and give them that space and that just letting you know that it's happening is enough. Particularly if it's a teenager. They may want some of these conversations to be confidential and if you have a good relationship with the adult or the person they're talking to, I would, if you're able to allow that in terms of they're allowed to have private conversations, but it would be really respectful and of course containing for you to know that they are having these conversations and that they're not alone through it. So just remember, okay, they may come to you, particularly if they're little, but they may also go to somebody else and I would see that as a positive thing. You may also find that children begin to blame themselves for your separation. They start to call themselves naughty or they try and align themselves with one parent and kind of blame the other. So don't forget to remind your child that your couple relationship breaking down is not their fault, that no longer feeling like you have romantic love between you has not taken any love away from them and that they are not responsible for this breakup. And when it comes to telling the story, focus on what your child needs to know. And for little ones and even older ones, the kind of things that children care about are things like where will I live? Will I still be going to the same school? Am I also going to lose friends or miss out on my friends or miss out on social situations that I go to now? So really thinking about the practical things and how they're going to affect your child. And in those early days, just give room for questions, give room for the conversation, and allow time for your child to adjust to the separation before you introduce something new or someone new. Because of course some couples separate because there is somebody else involved. So sometimes it can really help for children to have that slowed down. They don't need to know about your personal or your private life. Remember that they just need a story that grounds and contains them for now. And as they grow up and things evolve in your family rhythm and you may feel more open to talk about things more honestly or openly. But remember, this is your choice. And as adults we are allowed to have private lives too. And I want to end on offering you some sources of support if you feel like you need them or they would be helpful to you. So I'm going to offer three which are the ones that I know. Lots of the parents I've worked with have used before. One of them is divorce aid, and I will add it into the caption of this podcast, which is an independently run page with information for parents, children and teenagers. There's also parentline, which is completely free and will offer you advice on the phone. And finally, some parents have really found Gingerbread helpful, which is a charity for single parents. And if any of these would be helpful to you, I'm going to add them to the caption, have a look at them, see them as resources that you may or may not need to use, but know that you're not alone and there is support out there for you and we're coming to an end. I hope this conversation has been useful to you. Feel free to share it if you know somebody in this situation who hasn't heard about Talking Sense podcast and you think it might be helpful to them too. And if as a parent, you would like to feel more empowered and confident in the choices that you're making with your children, child do have a think about looking at the Confident Parent course. I developed this course for children from 18 months up to the age of 5 and my main aim was to help you feel empowered and reassured in the parenting that you are already doing with your child, offering you some practical strategies and ideas that you can try and put in place if they feel useful to you. Finally, I always like to end on a little mantra so something to hold you for the rest of the week. This week, my mantra for you is Tomorrow is a new day. Whenever you feel like the day's not gone the way you wanted or things have been a bit tricky, I want you to hold this little promise in your mind that tomorrow is your new day that you can start again, try over, try and do a little bit better that you can repair with your child or with another. If this feels useful to you, I really hope you'll join me again for another Talking Sense podcast. Until then, see you soon.

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