What Can I Do When My Child Wants To Quit Activities?

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Hi, welcome to Talking Sense, a podcast with me, Dr. Marta. I'm a clinical psychologist trained in family therapy and every week I answer one of your real life questions offering you psychological understandings, ideas and suggestions to guide you. Before we begin, I like to offer you a moment to pause, to just settle in before we have our conversation together. And today I'm going to ask you to do a little exercise if you want to. It consists in using your fingertips to just tap around your face. So I would start in the center of your forehead with your fingertips and I would just tap the same way that you would maybe just tap on a table and just do it really gently move around the edges of your face, do that for a few seconds and see what you notice. It's a really well known exercise for relaxing you and bringing your nervous system to calm. So if you try it and you enjoy it. Why not use it when you need to? And when you're ready, let's begin.

Today's question is about children quitting and when should we push and when should we allow them to stop doing a certain activity? So let's have a listen.

Good morning. I'd really love your professional advice on this. My son previously was really enjoying music lessons and rugby and cubs is now wanting to quit them all. I've gone with the approach of we're going to do. You're going to go three more times and if you still feel the same way, then you can stop. Because he is 8, he's kind of finding what he's into.

And he still wanted to quit both rugby and Cubs, that's fine. He's now doing the same with music lessons. I feel slightly more differently towards that because spoken to adults who were forced or strongly encouraged to continue with music lessons when they were a child, and they're really grateful now they're an adult because they can play an instrument really well. And I actually regret that from my childhood that I gave up the flute and I think, oh, if I just carried on then I could play that now. But at the same time, I don't want to force him if he's not enjoying it. And I don't know the balance of how much I should be pushing him. So I'd really love your advice on that. Thank you.

I think this question is really important. I also think it's a really tricky one. And I really like the fact that the question is asking about what's the balance between pushing and allowing your children to quit doing extracurricular activities, Stop doing certain things that they might have done for a long time. And I think it's a really tough one. You know, when we sign up our children to do activities, we often do it with a kind of hope and openness that they're going to enjoy it or they're going to learn certain skills from it. Whether it's sports or something creative like drama or music. We really hope that our children are going to enjoy it and find a hobby that fits for them. And also, I think as parents, if you've been investing time and money in these activities, activities, it's really hard to hear your child say, after a while, I don't want to do this anymore. It can feel like, you know, a missed opportunity for your child to develop certain skills. It can also feel like a loss of money, like you've spent a lot of money into something that actually may not have achieved the Outcomes that you were hoping for. And I think those things are important to consider and reflect on. And I think we need to re evaluate and reframe the idea of quitting. So I think in our society, which is based on high achievement, you know, grit, determination, the pursuit of success, all those things I believe are really well valued in our society, Western society, and quitting is seen as failing. We don't tend to be very keen on quitting. Whether it's ourselves or our children, we tend to see quitting as something that is negative, that isn't going to bring out positive outcomes that people might look down on if you are a quitter. And one of the things that's really important, I think, is that we try and reframe this. So rather than thinking that quitting is a failure or that it's cowardly or, or that it lacks grit, I want to help you see that sometimes quitting can be incredibly courageous. And that sometimes persisting in an activity can inadvertently teach your child that they have to stick up with things that make them feel bad. And that isn't really a lesson that we want to teach our kids. I don't think. I don't think we want to teach our kids that. Even, even if they're miserable, they have to persevere at something, particularly something that is meant to be, hopefully a hobby, something that will bring them some kind of joy or pleasure in the future.

So having said that, I'm going to talk about the things that are important to reflect on when we are helping our children think about quitting. Because one of the things that happens is that when children are feeling really bad in themselves for whatever reason, perhaps they're just having a tough time that month or that week. Maybe they've fallen out with some friends in the activity. Maybe the activities just got a little bit more challenging. And they used to really enjoy it because they were good at it. And suddenly they don't feel so good. They don't feel like a well valued member of their sports team. Or maybe they don't feel like they're. They're performing as well as the rest of their team or similarly with something creative, whether it's drama or music or art, they might feel like, I'm not inspired or actually, you know, doing these rehearsals or kind of repetitions is really boring and it takes up a lot of time and I'm just a little bit tired and overwhelmed. And I think it's really important that we consider when is our child saying they want to quit, quit. What else is going on for them in their life. Because when a child wants to quit an activity because they feel bad, it might not necessarily be the best time to quit. I know that sounds really strange, but if they're feeling bad because of other things that are going on, then letting go of an activity that might actually be a positive outlet is just going to shrink some of their everyday life. And what we want to do is try and help our children have multiple contexts in which they can develop their identities. Because we're all different in different contexts. So none of us are the same with our partners as we are with our children, as we are with our parents, as we are with our friends or our work colleagues. And if we have hobbies, we're going to be slightly different in the times where we're doing these activities, either by ourselves or with others in. It brings out a different side to us. And it's the same with our children. So if children are feeling a little bit down on themselves, and there are certain times a year where I think this is more likely, I think there are seasons in the year where children may feel worse about themselves. Some of those seasons can be the beginning of the school year. It can be a moment of stress, stress and adjustment to the new classroom, the new teachers, the new workload. It's exhausting for kids. It's often not a time of year where kids are really motivated and excited to be doing extracurricular activities. And similarly, when it comes to the end of the school year, so the summer term, that tends to be a time when children are absolutely exhausted and. And, you know, they've just kind of spent the entire year with schoolwork. They maybe have had tests, whether they're sats or other things, and they're just a little bit exhausted and really looking forward to kind of having a break, not having to do anything, no longer having to follow the rules that adults set for them, including homework. So usually the beginning of the school year and the end of the school year can be kind of critical time points when children are really depleted and therefore more likely to say that they want to quit an activity. So think about that, too. Think about what season is your child in, in terms of their context. Think about what else is going on for them around their friendships, around their ability to feel kind of valued or feel like they're doing well at these activities. You know, has something changed for them? And really think carefully because it's about exploring this. So first of all, think about it for you, because I would always say that, you know, think about what is going on for your child before you jump into this conversation with them. This is a really useful thing to do because what it does is position you in a place where you might be more open to multiple perspectives. So rather than feeling like your child is a quitter and. And you need to try and encourage them, or you need to try and say to them, come on, keep going, because you're really good at this, it can help you shift your own mindset to a place where you think, okay, there might be lots of reasons that I don't know that they want to quit. So can I find my curiosity? Can I begin to explore these ideas in my own mind about what is going on for them? Does that help me generate some ideas around questions I want to ask my child? You know, like, okay, well, you used to really enjoy this sport or this activity. What's changed that you now want to quit? Or I noticed that last month you were really enjoying this activity, but now you're telling me you want to quit. So I'm just really interested. Has something changed? Has something happened? What's going on that makes you not want to do this activity anymore? You want to begin this conversation with exploration and curiosity rather than jumping into the end goal of are you going to quit or are you not? Okay, so we're going to begin with curiosity and exploration, and some of this work is really helpful for you to do before you meet your child in this conversation. So if your child says they want to quit, it's totally okay for you to say, oh, okay, this sounds really important. I think we need to talk about it. And even if they're like, no, I'd never want to come back, I. I don't want to do this again. You can say to your child, I hear you. I hear you don't want to do this activity again. And I think talking about it together is really important. So let's set a time to talk together. Now is not a right time for me because my head is all over the place or I have to make dinner or I'm driving. Whatever it is, just name it. Now is not a good time to have this conversation. Why don't we talk tomorrow afternoon and set a time and do it? Sit with your child and say, I heard you say you want to quit this activity. Let's have a chat and get curious first of all, and then let's begin thinking about some ideas to guide you in this conversation. So firstly, if you're able to remember the reframe around quitting, okay, quitting can Be courageous. We don't want our children to stick. Stick to something that they're really miserable. And this is where the balance comes in. Okay, that kind of, like, subtle nuance. How do you find that balance between wanting your child to stick through something that's challenging? You know, develop some of those growth mindset skills. Don't just quit because it's hard. You know, keep going and allow them to find their courage to say what? When enough is enough. One of the ways that you can begin this conversation holding this reframe in your mind is to consider a time when you have had to make this difficult choice of sticking through with something or making the courageous choice to quit. Can you allow yourself to share a story with your child of a time when this has happened to you? Because this doesn't just give your child explicit permission to quit if that's where they're heading. But it also may really benefit them because it helps them see that making these choices are not easy things. They're things that sometimes we need to work through or talk through with others. So think about it. You know, I think most of us as adults, we've had many an experience of considering quitting an activity or keep going. And I'm saying activity because I'm thinking about children. But, you know, for adults, it also includes sticking in a job that doesn't give you any joy. And of course, financially, you may need a job, but you may start to think, is this really where I want to be? Is this what I want to have to be doing every day I'm waking up and I'm miserable, or I'm really unhappy at work, or I'm not being value valued in my work. Is this what I want to do? And what is it like to take a risk and quit? Because it's a risk. But sometimes risks can be really healthy and positive. So whether you have quit or you've decided to stick it out, can you help your child see that these are big decisions and that you've had to make them too? Because this really normalizes the experience for children. So for many children, saying to a parent, I want to quit an activity can be a really hard thing to say. It can make them feel really upset that they might be letting you down, or that they might get, you know, punished or told off, or they might be frightened of the kind of consequence of not doing an activity that you have been paying for and committing to with your time for a long time as well. So do consider that children saying, I want to quit is not usually usually a very easy thing to say. It is much easier for children to persist doing things that they don't enjoy just to please you.

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You know, growing up and you know, moving through childhood is just absolutely full of difficult transitions for children. And the choice to change course, to drop out, to even quit when it feels right, with the right kind of support. And considering the consequences of quitting, which include self reflection and an understanding of what happens when we say I don't want to do this anymore, can be incredibly brave. And it can help children also develop a sense of self respect and self worth. Now that doesn't mean that children have to quit everything all the time. And that's what moves me on to the next point. Because I think when you're moving with this new reframe that quitting could actually be a very courageous act. And you position yourself in a place where you are guiding and coaching your child rather than trying to encourage or avoid them from quitting something, then you are opening up possibilities. And some of those possibilities can include really considering the consequences of making this choice. It can really help to offer your child a space where they can explore the things that are driving them, the things that really motivate them. What do they love to do? What do they want to accomplish? So you know, a little bit like that. Awful. I'm going to say awful because I really don't like it. Like job interview question of what do you want to do in five years time? And yet when it comes to children, I actually think that's a really good question. But most children cannot think five years ahead. So I instead will try and break that question down and often only move children, those who are in primary school, around two years ahead. So where do you want to be in 2 years time? What kind of things do you hope you'll be doing? What do you think you will be good at in 2 years time? If your child is 11 + or in full adolescence, then yes, you can use the five year question. They're much more able to in their brains to like visualize themselves in that position. But little ones, I would shorten the time just to make it easier. But what you really want to do is to help them try and visualize like who will they be in 2 years time? What kind of things are they hoping they'll still be doing? What are they hoping they won't be doing anymore? And then you want to go in deeper. Okay, Much deeper. So if they're like, I want to keep doing X, Y and Z, you want to find out why, why? Why are those things important to them? Why is it important to them that they do good at that or they get better at it, or they build skills in those areas? And what about the things they don't want to do anymore? What are they like finding challenging or difficult or boring or just, you know, unpleasant? Perhaps because some things can feel really unpleasant to children. Can you really explore that with them and get a sense of if they stop an activity now, will this feel like a relief in two years time, or will it feel like they've let themselves down or will it feel like a missed opportunity? Okay, can you help them explore this also? Is there a way that you can offer your child a little bit of a buffer, which for me is about the fact that quitting can look like taking a break. Okay. Sometimes children feel like they've had enough of something for a while and they may want to start it again. Can you offer your child that permission of perhaps now is the time to quit music? Perhaps you've got too much on and you just need a break. But why don't we reconsider this in a month's time, two months time, you know, why don't we finish whatever you've already paid for or often activities are paid in terms. So why don't we finish this term and then you can have a break? So whether it's summer or not, you might just take a term off and then say, and then we can revisit it. Maybe we can talk about what it's like to not go to music practice or to sports practice. Maybe we can think about what happens in that space. What are you doing instead? So instead of doing music practice or going to rugby or football or art, what are you doing instead in those hours and all those hours as fulfilling or enjoyable or bringing you as many skills as you want for in two years time being the person that you're looking forward to be. So this can also really help children one visualize themselves into the future. But think and consider when they're taking a break. Because quitting is not a failure. You are allowed to quit and stop something when it stops feeling good. And you're allowed to then say, you know what? I miss it. I want to go back. And giving children that chance to experience what the choice feels, feels like can be really powerful. And I did say maybe you continue until the end of a term. Obviously, I would only say that if your child is not in huge heaps of distress. I think if children are in so much distress that they are like sobbing before you leave and they're really screaming and shouting and saying, no, no, no, I don't want to go. I would really consider, you know, the benefits of pushing them to keep going rather than just saying, I hear you, you're clearly very upset about this. I think you're right. We're just going to stop for now. But stopping can be for now. And you can talk and have these conversations during your child's break, and you can then revisit what feels right for your child. Some children do go back to playing music or playing team sports, but sometimes they need a different teacher or a different team or a different set of peers. Sometimes where they are at in those moments is not helping them learn because if they're miserable, then they're not really learning, or if there's other things happening in their life, they might just need a break to calm down, relax, do other things that are pleasurable, but have less pressure attached to them. So it's really important to consider kind of having the conversation about what will benefit your child and what can they see as a positive benefit and giving them permission to take a break. So not even like a full quitting yet, just an experience of that choice. I'm going to add here that if it's easier or if you know that your child's kind of mindset, personality, temperament is more fitted to doing something like a list of, of pros and cons, rather than a kind of imaginary visualization of who they will be in two years time, you can do that. Instead, or you can do that and the visualization, okay, this is an and or situation. So another way of doing this is just to say to your child, let's think about the. The good things about doing this activity. You know, what does it bring you? What do you enjoy? What is good about this activity? And also let's think about all the things that are making you want to quit it. What is not enjoyable, what do you find hard or just not fun, or you just don't want to do it anymore and make it into a list. And I would do this together. And the reason why I say make it into a list is it can really help to write things down. It can really help your child. Again, see very literal, concrete examples of, of the things that are good and the things that are not so good. And if you want to add a layer to this, you can rate each point that your child says on a scale like 0 to 5, where 0 is, you know, the worst and 5 is the best. Okay? So on either the pro or the con, you know, so they can say, yes, you know, I love spending time with my friends, but that's only a one out of five because I can see my friends at school.

School.

And I enjoy it more there, for example. So think about it, you know, think about which of these kind of suggestions might be a good fit. And again, what you're doing here is exploring and learning from your child, but you're also helping them to learn a really big skill, which is one around problem solving. And it's one about, how do you make these big decisions? These are really big decisions in children's lives. They may seem small or trivial in comparison to the things that we as adults go through, but they are massive. They are often the first time that children have a voice and a say in something as big as an activity in terms of saying, I don't want to do this. And it can feel like I said before, it can feel like such a monumental thing to say to a parent, and it can often bring up lots of really big things, feelings. So also, don't forget to thank your child. When your child says, I want to quit an activity and they bring up this conversation, one of the first things I would like you to try and do is to say, thank you. Thank you for coming to me to share this, to openly want to talk to me about the fact that you don't want to do this activity anymore. Because if your child doesn't tell you, then you don't know. Lots of children don't say yes or no, I like it or don't like it. And for those children, the thing that, as parents that might cross your mind is that you don't really know if they really enjoy it or not, because they're not telling you either way. The children who are telling you that they want to quit, they are opening up a conversation with you. And I always am grateful when children do that because they're also telling you that you are a safe person to tweak, talk to, that they trust you, that they think you can support them and guide them and, you know, be by their side during these tough decisions. And I hope some of these points in this conversation that I've been sharing with you are helpful in structuring and guiding the things that you want to focus on when you talk to your child about this. And very, very last points I want to talk about today are around you. I want you to really think either before or after you've had this conversation with your child, however fits for you. I want you to consider what motivates you to encourage your child to do these activities. Is it about status? Is it about activities that you really enjoy? So you're hoping to pass them on, like a generational.

Hobby or a generational spirit sport that you're like, well, everybody plays football in my family or rugby or tennis or whatever it is, so my child has to play it, you know, can you think about the root of your motivation and can you consider whether or not it's really necessary for your child's benefit? Like, is this for them or is this for you? And I know this is, like, quite a confronting thing for me to say and tricky at the same time, but I think it's really important. I think as parents, we have many hopes and dreams for our children, and just so you know, we all have them, okay? Me included. It's a human natural trait. It needs a beautiful thing to have hopes and dreams for your child. But sometimes just pausing to notice the motivation, where it's coming from and what it's bringing you can really help, again, shift your perspective a tiny little bit so it can help you think, is this disappointment or anger or upset that I'm feeling at my child quitting this activity about them and their future, or is it about me? How will I feel if my child doesn't do this sport or this activity? How will it feel to me that something I really enjoy I haven't been able to pass on to my child? Will I perceive this as a personal failure? Will I perceive this as a Distancing or a separation of me and my child. And I want you to know that it is both normal and very healthy for your children to have different interests to you. It's also normal and very healthy if your child aligns with your interests. There is no right or wrong here because we're all individuals and we're all unique. And some children absolutely love their parents passions. You know, because their parents are passionate about sports or activities, they get to enjoy them as well. And they get to enjoy them with their parents. And that makes it even more enjoyable. So they want to do it more. And for some children it's not that way. They're just not made that way. They're not interested in certain activities or sports. And the more you push them to do the same as you, the more they tend to pull away. So just remember that. Also remember that not wanting to do the same sport as you is not a reflection on you as a parent. Just because they don't like whatever it is, football, rugby, tennis, whatever it is, paintball, it doesn't mean that they don't love you or they don't want to spend time with you. And in fact, it also doesn't mean that your child may not like sports. It may just mean that they have to find the right sport for them. Similarly, with music, there are so many instruments. There's different ways of playing music, whether it's alone, individually or in a band. And it's very different. The kind of kids who like to play in a band are not always the same kids who want to play individually. So think about who your child is. Explore this, explore yourself within this. You know you have an important role in guiding and coaching your child through these big decisions. And when we carry on thinking that quitting can be courageous, it can also open up opportunities and possibilities, possibilities that have not been explored before. Because perhaps your child quitting one activity will mean that they start to engage in something else, something they're really passionate and motivated about. So there are multiple options here. One of them might be to persist. One of them might be to take a break and go back to it when things are calmer or feel better for your child. One of them might be to to take a break so your child can change course to a different team, to a different instrument, to a different teacher or trainer. Or another one might be to quit and to find something completely different because these activities served a purpose when your child was little. And as they get older, children change. Their identity, develops. Their preferences and dislikes also go through transformations and getting to know who your child is becoming and understanding their new likes and dislikes is really important. So don't see quitting as a failure. Try and see it as both a courageous act and an opportunity to learn more about your child. This can actually be a really connecting thing to move through together, making these big decisions and you having such an important role in supporting your child through it. And we're coming to an end. I hope you have enjoyed this week's podcast and if you have, please don't forget to rate and review on the app you listened on. Also, if you'd like to know more about how to teach your children skills you including moving through frustration tolerance, I warmly invite you to have a look at my Confident Parent course which I developed for children aged 18 months up to 5 years and you will find all the details on my website www.doctormatapsychologist.com Before I go, I always like to leave you with a little mantra don't to hold you for the rest of the week. And given our conversation today, my little mantra for you is wrong turns are rarely dead ends. I wish you a restful week and I so look forward to seeing you again on another Talking Sense. Until then, see you soon.

This holiday season, millions of families will pack their bags, load up the car and head off for a family vacation. But not every trip is going to be somewhere fun. The American Red Cross responds to about 7,000 emergencies during the holiday season alone, from home fires to natural disasters, providing families a safe place to go when the unthinkable happens. But they can't do it without your support. Please donate@redcross.org you know you've reached Peak.

Couple energy when your undies match. Meundies Match Me has you both covered literally in super soft ultra modal undies, socks, PJs and loungewear. Festive prints? Check. Cozy vibes? Double check. And right now, it's deal season. Get up to 50% off site wide for Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Take your couple game to the next level with Meundies Match Me. To get deals up to 50% off, go to Meundies.com acast Enter promo code acast that's Meundies.com acast Code acast from.

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