The Hard Stuff is OK! With Sherry Belul

Hi everyone, good to see you. Hi my friend Shawn.

Hi my friend Sherry, how are you?

It's hot, it's really hot. Um, and I feel bad saying that because I know it's a lot hotter a lot of other places than the Bay Area, but for us we're not used to it. So hi, we just got finished. We always give our little tiny spiel at the beginning and, um, let's do it again right now. So this is The Hard Stuff Is Okay. Shawn and I— and I am so grateful for this, Shawn. I'm so grateful that we do this about once or twice a month, whenever we can. We do a group that's called The Hard Stuff Is Okay, and we invite people to come and talk about hard stuff. And, um, you tell the story of how we started it.

Years and years and years ago, um, Sharon and I both live in the Bay Area and met up for coffee 'cause we're both certified high-performance coaches. And so we were part of that community and we're friendly from there. And we're talking about this cool book we were both reading called the Heart— or I did it again, "Bittersweet" by Susan Cain. "Hard Stuff's Okay" is our thing. But in "Bittersweet," she talks about how we need joy and sorrow to form melancholy, 'cause it's very connective, it's the full human experience. And so Sheri and I were talking about that full human experience as coaches in the coaching community that we're in, and started going live on growthday.com to just talk about the hard stuff with some of our peers and some of the people in that group. And it's been really fun and enlightening. And that, you know, I think I'm always surprised at what comes up from it. And people share some really tough stuff. Like, we had one person share something very deeply— like, it's just, um, terrible.

Yeah.

And she basically said it with a smile. Um, and then you could— just breaking— you know, she was kind of tearing up a little bit. But, um, and maybe that's where we start, unless there's anything else you want to add. But, you know, there's this type of personality as like the eldest sibling, or where you hold a lot of things for other people when things are going sideways because you're the one that's supposed to be calm and cool in the middle of it. And that is extremely difficult.

Shawn, I love that you started that. I wrote this down, you know, when we are the responsible ones, who takes care of us? And I— that really struck me because oftentimes particularly in that group, it is a group of high performers, right? The self-declared high performers, people who would get things done, people who take care of things. But that's a hard identity to carry 24/7, right? And that's one of the things I came away with today, hosting that group, is just feeling so grateful that we've created this tiny little space that people can like set things down for that time that we're together, you know, and not have to be, you know, I think people sometimes when we start to have that identity, it's hard to ever set it down. Mm-hmm.

And you feel like you can't because you'll let people down if you do, you know. And I think in that particular group, there's people such big hearts, um, and you'll hold so much more than you could by yourself if it's for somebody else. At least I feel that way. And so you can hold a lot more, but if you don't direct it into connecting in community or all the different tools that we shared, which I thought were very amazing on the call, but if you don't have a way to move that energy, you just get stuck with this, everyone else's, you know, that stuff, but like the weight of it all, and it could be very suffocating.

And I love that you just brought up the tools. I know we're just kind of hopping around, but I like that part. You know, we don't, we don't script these, we just get on after our other call and debrief. And one of the things that I wanted to share is I love that that kind of naturally happened during the call. I talked about like something I do, which is a hand on the heart, you know, maybe two hands like this and I'll just say, oh honey, just like, oh honey. And, and just as a way of like acknowledging like, this is a hard moment, like, and letting myself breathe through it. And then someone else shared, which I had forgotten about, I remember learning this somewhere, but like a cross like this, like a butterfly, and then pat, pat, pat, alternating hands, which is very comforting. So very comforting. Was there one other that we— I forget what the— those were the two I'm thinking of.

I think those were the two that we talked about. Um, but yeah, I think like any type of a like body grounding practice kind of fits into that. I feel like this is a very grounding thing. I've done this, this, uh, Andrew, uh, Haberman. I mean, it's a name. The Habermann Lab, like non-deep restorative sleep. I always get the acronym messed up, but it's a meditation which you do, um, deep breathing exercises, then shift your focus throughout your body starting with your feet. Oh, you could do it in 10 minutes, 20 minutes, or I think he's got like an hour-long one where it's like a guided meditation, but it's very like it's— and he's using neuroscience to quiet down the brain through that. So I like that one particularly for my practice, and I've had to use it a lot this year with stuff going on with my family. But like, you know, yeah, I think those types of things, I think the release meditation that we talk about would be something.

Yeah. I agree with that too. And I think before all those things happen, one of the most important things is taking that pause, right? I think in personal development coaching, pause is so important, just to take the pause to say, what's happening with me? What do I need? Really just giving ourselves rather than just kind of like someone was talking today, actually several people, right? There's things to do. I got to get going. I got to get going. But that's kind of like elbowing out the person who's having a hard time. And inevitably, I don't believe that that's ever really going to serve us, you know, to just try to elbow that person out. I don't know. Yeah.

If you have a flat tire, you don't hit the gas because you need to get to your destination quicker. That causes other bad things to happen.

You know, Shawn, you're a master. I love that you can always come up with a perfect metaphor in the right Just the right one. That was great. I love that. I love that. And I was— I, we were saying this in the group because just earlier today, I did a live conversation with Dana, who is an improv teacher. And so Shawn already knows this, but I'm just going to repeat this because it really struck me. We were talking about how we can use improv tools to navigate— in our case, we're talking about grief, but it can be anything that's hard. And really, it's that basic thing of this is the scene. Whatever's going on right now is the scene. And how can I say yes to the scene? Even if it's not what I wish it were, even if I wish something else were going on. But I love the improv, yes, and. So yes, this person has died that I just wish that they hadn't. Everything in me doesn't want this to be the case. Yes. And how do I, in this moment, say yes to the part of me that needs to step into that scene? And how do I support that person in creating whatever's next?

Yeah, I love that. And my experience with improv is it's these little nudges to kind of shift the scene. So it's like, yes, I am dealing with my friend passing. That is terrible. Yes, and now I'm gonna go and get into the community with the memorial and the funeral. And yes, and now I'm gonna connect with some new people that knew my friend, you know. And so like, if you didn't— yes, if you just stayed at home in this example, right, there's no shifting the scene to move it forward.

Oh, Shawn, I love that. And, and, you know, Shawn knows this, um, I, I recently did travel unexpectedly to a funeral, and Shawn was asking me before we went live, like, oh, how was that? And I was saying, well, yeah, it was really hard, and I was so glad I went. And you're exactly right, like, why was I glad I went? Because it's so connecting to be with other people who are, in this case, like, going through the same kind of hard time, missing the same person or loving the same person that we're loving. And as you and I often talk about, and as Susan Cain talks about in her book, It's so connecting, right? And, and that connection, like you said, had I chosen to stay home, you know, which I, you know, is a lot of money unexpectedly at the last minute and a long trip, um, worth every penny in every moment, right? But had I opted to stay home, there wouldn't have been that and part. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Was there anything else from today that jumped out at you?

Um, I think too, like, I noticed the community. We had a couple of regulars come on, a couple of new faces, which is always wonderful.

Yeah.

But like, you know, we have like an inside joke of like, how long ago did we start this? It's like 100 50 million years ago, which, you know, people that have been there like started to chuckle this time around with it.

Right, right.

We call it out. And some of the new people are now in on the joke, which is fun. But like the ability to like just connect, you know, and people are making jokes about listening to particular people that have rough kind of manly voices that would tell them to like shape up or and get out, you know, help them move forward, you know. And we're all joking and laughing. Oh, people are sharing some serious things, you know, and it's not that that takes away from the seriousness of it, but it allows, I think, you know, they say laughter is the best medicine and like, yeah, again, I think it's proven that. I felt like two people in particular, I saw their energies shift towards the end of the call because we were cracking jokes about you know, but the hard stuff, you know.

Shawn, I love that. I'm so glad that you brought that in because it's like, to me, all of that, like way more than anything we say or any tools that get offered or any coaching that might happen, it's really the simply the showing up together, right? From the moment that I, I arrive in that group, first of all, see, you know, seeing you, like I instantly, I just feel different. I feel better. It's the comfort. It's a friend. It's, you have such good positive connotations with you. I don't think we can underestimate at all the power of that. And, and it's easy to forget, like, when I'm in my room by myself feeling sad or hard or whatever, it's easy to forget that simply hearing someone's voice, you know, can be the first step to changing the whole day.

And sometimes the only thing you have is that small first step. You know, someone in the group mentioned that they were really struggling, you know, getting out of bed and like, were they going to go to our call today or not? And that like, it's very, it's a very small act to just turn on a computer and show up, but it's so profound. And that Yes Anne, like, she that particular person was like, yes, I'm feeling this way, and I'm going to try something. Yes, like low-lift different that I hope, you know, turn things around a little bit more for her than that initial effort. You know, it's one of those leverage points, I think.

Yes. Oh, I love that, Shawn. We have, um, in my spiritual practice, we do a recording and listening practice. So oftentimes, like, um, if I'm feeling like if I'm having a hard time or a good time, it doesn't really matter. I'll turn on the recorder as a way of connecting with myself. And my teacher will often say it's simply reaching for the recorder that the self-care starts, right? So it doesn't really matter. It's the same thing. It's like, it's great whatever gets said or what happens, but it's the reaching for it. It's like you said, it's the turning on the computer and saying, this group is meeting, I'm going to see if I can just get myself there, right? Sometimes, and I think a lot of people, this is a common one for people. It's like, can I get myself to step outside and just take a walk for this one block, right? And just see if I can hear a bird sing, like that small, right? Yeah. Yeah.

And there's that book a while back. It's just like, make your bed right when you get up.

Oh, yeah. Right.

And it's just like, you did something. Like, you matter to the world. You know, the world is now different right off the first thing when you do when you wake up. And like, sometimes that's what all you need to get into momentum, you know.

Yesterday I was— yesterday I was having a really, really hard morning, and my son texted me, number one, get dressed, number two, eat breakfast, and then number three was something I kind of needed to do, right? Like that. It's like he already knew that I needed to do it, but he was like, 1, 2, 3. And he's like, if you get these 3 things done today, awesome. And I can't even tell you, like, getting dressed, I felt so like energized. Like, I was like, check that off. Like, sometimes that's the way it is, right? Like, it's, you know, I've heard people talk about like that with a shower. Like, I took a shower, man, that was, that was— sometimes that's how it is.

Yeah, we take the wins, the Big or small, you know? And, but like, we're laughing about it, but it really can change your whole day or your whole week just because you put on some clothes or you put on your favorite hat or—

Exactly.

You connected with your favorite people.

Yes.

You know?

I have a dear friend who's also been going through a really hard time for a long time, both of us. And we send each other audio notes And sometimes we send each other 15 audio notes a day, and I'm not exaggerating, right? Like sometimes maybe even 20. And we'll often say like, I don't have anything to say, but I just want to say I love you. Or, you know, I don't have anything to say, but I'm here for you. And it's everything, you know. I just left him one, you know, right before I got on these, the series of calls, and I just said, you don't know— well, he does know because I tell him all the time— but I was like, how much it helps to hear your voice, right? To just hear the voice of someone we love. And we don't have to, you know, we don't have to know what to say. We don't have to ask for anything. Sometimes it's just that, like, we know we're not alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna glance down at my notes and see if you see if there's anything else for you that you wanted to— oh, you haven't said your— you haven't said your thing. I'm not going to get off the call until you say what you always say.

Well, we contain multitudes, right? And, you know, I was going to say that you can be— you can need to get stuff done and also, yes, then, and also feel like you're struggling. And those are not two separate people. It's the same person, that same tension inside of you. And it's these little movements of being in front of people, of sharing your thoughts, of doing the small act of resistance in spite of everything going on.

Yeah.

That doesn't have to be— you're not solving world hunger. You know, you're just putting socks on and going outside for a minute and like, It's okay, you know? I mean, we can have all of those multitudes and so many more because we're people, you know? And we're more than, and we're never alone. That was, you know, I was going to say that too, is like, I think there's like a theme of this group that we've run for these last 10 years. It's that we're never really alone. There's always somebody out there if it's us, if it's your other people in your life, we'll just sit and listen and share a moment with you. And yes, and the moment, um, and, and point out the multitudes because we all contain multitudes. Um, we're here for it.

I love— I just love that you pointed that out. Like, I hope that— I hope that us talking about this does feel like that for people, you know, for someone who might just be scrolling around and, and feel like hearing us talk makes them feel less alone. I mean, I always hope that that's the case. Um, yeah, me too. Yeah. Um, we contain multitudes. I love that. Is— I'm so comforted every time you say it. And I think there is something, um, it's just bringing up one last thing for me, you know, and maybe you have something else last too, but it's like the importance of ritual. So again, you just made that joke about us. I never get tired of it because it's our joke, right? It's like our little whether anybody else likes it or doesn't like it. It's a ritual that connects us. And I think you— every now it's become a ritual that I want you to say, we contain multitudes every time, because that comforts me. When I was with my mom, we had a candle lighting ritual every morning to honor people who've passed away. And it was— rituals are really important, I think, any time, but especially when we're going through a hard time. So maybe that's the last thing is what Yeah, what rituals can we create with people that we love or just by ourselves?

Yeah, and I think— oh, I love that. You know, it's very insightful because I think too when you're going through stuff, the last thing you want to do is like sit and think about what to do. I think that's what those rituals kind of, kind of do. Like, this is what I always do. I'm in autopilot. That helps me start the day, or I'm in— like, I have this ritual to honor this feeling that I'm having, or this person that I, I, you know, miss. And like, that's part of the processing, and you're not thinking about it.

Yes, thank you, thank you for adding to that. Like, I, you know, that kind of just dropped in, um, but I, I'm taking that in now too for myself. Like, yeah, how important those rituals are. Yeah. Oh, Shawn, thank you so much. I, I always feel— I always feel uplifted after this, you know, no matter what's been going on. Thank you. Me too.

You know, it's been hot. I didn't want to show up today, but we're here. I'm trying not to sweat so much until the camera gets turned off. So thank you, Sheri, as always, for the energy.

Thank you, Shawn. And thank you, anybody listening now or later. Um, I hope that you'll give yourself lots of grace and be kind to yourself. Bye-bye! Bye, Shawn!