In this first‑person monologue, Shawna Lynne Delulu Today recounts a recent "medicine journey" undertaken to release decades of physical and emotional pain that she feels has been stored in her body and inherited through her family’s generational trauma. She links her anger and suffering to her ancestors’ experiences of the Holocaust, cultural displacement, and a lack of community, describing how this inherited emotional DNA has manifested in her own life. Shawna details the chronic sciatica and other bodily pains she has endured, the extensive array of holistic treatments she has tried (Reiki, acupuncture, cupping, sound baths, tantra, physiotherapy, osteopathy, massage, etc.), and the profound impact of mental health work on her nervous system. She reflects on the contrast between pain and joy, emphasizing that joy feels like the opposite of pain and that cultivating joy is central to her healing. The monologue explores the importance of touch, intimacy, and sexual connection as forms of self‑care, noting how a lack of physical contact has contributed to her emotional distress. Shawna stresses the need for community, giving and receiving, and the practice of mindful movement, breathing, and dance to integrate released emotions. Throughout, she expresses gratitude for the various healing modalities, acknowledges lingering emotional insecurities, and affirms a hopeful, resilient stance toward continued personal growth and shared healing with others.
Chapters
Welcome. Yesterday I went on a medicine journey to take away the decades of pain that have been inside of me, taking up space. And I wanted so badly, beyond anything badly, To not feel pain inside this body. I wanted so badly to feel empty and full with space for more joy without being so angry at the world. The energy of anger goes through me generationally. My family is angry. Inside their DNA from the Holocaust, from changing cultures, changing countries, wanting to be spiritual and working so hard for money instead, without communities. My grandparents on both sides and my mom and my dad did not have communities. They chose to do things in pain on their own. And then I was born and I popped it all open and made everyone uncomfortable from the beginning. I was so cute and so smart and curious, no one knew what to do with me. There seemed to be annoying energy coming my way, and I was always pushing a limit, a button, a something. It wasn't easy to raise me. I'm very aware of that. I'm also aware that I raised myself, and for that I was angry. And the anger was attached to the pain. The pain of what I dreamed and didn't get. Who said I would? Why did I think that that would be my destiny? I don't know. And if that wasn't my destiny, what am I dreaming now? If I dreamed something and nothing came true and I tried to control it and I did some impossible things, what's next? How big do you dream after you've done impossible a couple of times? Seriously, how I'm standing and breathing and still loving. Wow. It's amazing what mental health can do to a nervous system. Thank you for medicine. Thank you for spirituality. Thank you for Reiki and acupuncture and cupping and sound baths and tantric. And intimacy and sexuality and moving your body and positivity and opportunity and the sun shining somewhere and the moon setting somewhere and the sun rising somewhere. There is moments of joy everywhere. And I was attached to the moments of pain. Anywhere I went, I attached to the pain of others. I could fix it. I was fixing mine. Come with me. Let me fix yours too. You know, when you learn something, you want to share it. I was learning how to not be in grief every day when my life fell apart over and over and over, and I just kept putting it back together. I did it over and over and over. And I'm not sure why the people around me are not proud of me. Why they're sending back this angry. Is it me that's angry? Yes, at them for not trying harder with me, for always asking me to do less instead of trying to do more. 3 beautiful spiritual humans told me I strive for excellence. I'm not sure what that means. To me, it means I just keep going because joy is the opposite of pain. And joy feels much better in my body than pain. This morning, it is the first morning I am pain-free. There's a little lingering in my hip, the sciatica that has been haunting me since October. Spent thousands of dollars in exercise. Every exercise on TikTok, I'm doing physio, osteopath, like massage. You name it, I'm doing it. If I can try it, I will, because this pain is awful. And I knew that it was emotional. I knew that half of it was emotional. And an old beautiful human from my days at psychotherapy school, in-person beautiful spiritual program. We were not friends at that time. We were on 2 different yet parallel tracks. And here we are. She released me from my pain, and I'm going to guide her in my joy. Once you let go of your pain, the other side is choosing to gain in any way possible, just in some way. There's no sitting in front of technology, that's not going to do it. Not sitting in your room all alone. I can sit like this for hours. Not healthy. 1 hour, maybe 2, and then outside to community. Meet somebody, touch somebody, touch yourself. Get in touch with your body. If no one's touching your body, are you touching your body? That is part of self-care, right? If you start to touch your body and love it, Your eating, your being, your energy will change. That is just true. I know that. When I'm angry at my body, the scale tells me that. And when I love my body and I'm good to it, the scale says this, validates that. I love the idea of someone touching me. Doesn't matter. Child, boyfriend, girlfriend. We don't touch enough. For some reason, the touching for me got attached to sex. Intimacy was gone from me. The pain was in the way, for sure. Mm-hmm. Must have been very hard to love me, this strength and so much stability. I can do anything. I don't need anybody. I know I've proved it over and over. What if I like to want people and depend on them? What if I can ask for what I want? Wouldn't that be nice? That the other side of wanting, when I'm ready to receive, is giving. Hmm. I luckily my energy has attracted beautiful humans that are good at giving and good at receiving. It's the flow. Ahhhhh. If you hold pain in your body of any sort, if your body is tight no matter what you do and your neck is crunchy— all the crunchies are going down. I'm gonna move it tonight. I'm gonna let it all out in beautiful dance when I'm ready. Let it Integrate all day. Ah, there was pain in my shoulders. I breathe through them. I stretch them. They are strong. They've been holding so much for so long. Wow, the feeling of letting go when you're ready is unbelievable. When you're ready to let go and ready to choose you, you have to be worthy. Oh, fuck. And insecurity stays in the container. Flexibility, responsibility, they are part of your nervous system. Breathe through them. No anxiety. Trusting. Let go of worry. That was the intention. Can I go back to the energy of believing so deeply inside of me? I believed like that before. I did. That's why I'm here. It's one more, one more time deeper than others. Oh, hang on for a moment. I'll be right back.
