In this candid, journal‑style monologue, Shawna Lynne (Delulu Today) reflects on her inner dialogue as she prepares for a new adventure. She explores her sense of self—highlighting beauty, discipline, and hard‑earned self‑care—while confronting the alternatives of inaction. The narrative weaves through profound grief over the loss of her partner Jay and her brother’s suicide, and the lingering pain of estranged relationships with her mother and adult children. Shawna describes the condo she bought in 2018 as a healing sanctuary, emphasizing her solo journey and the destiny she feels she has forged alone. She outlines practical considerations for future travel, emphasizing clear financial boundaries and reliance on supportive friends. A central theme is the shift from a scarcity mindset, shaped by past relationships, to an emerging abundance mindset, accompanied by reflections on spirituality versus logic, energy vibration, and the desire to meet others on equal energetic terms. The monologue concludes with a vivid description of present mental and bodily states—quiet, tingling, exhaustion, and questioning of depression—capturing both her weariness and lingering hope.
Chapters
What do I want to tell myself before I go on this adventure? Who am I? I am— Who are you, Shawna? Hmm, who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? You're a beautiful woman. That stands out first is your beauty, the compliments, the attraction. The vanity I have. I'm so proud of how I take care of myself. I'm really proud. It takes a lot of discipline and work. It is hard work. I work hard, and I change that hard work to ease. It is hard work. It is every day hard work, and it's worth it. What's the alternative? I don't understand the alternative. The alternative is not doing it. Not doing it has really detrimental outcomes, right? What if I stayed here and fought for my kids? What if I chased them down and fought for them? What would happen? What, what would happen? Roberto doesn't like me. If he did, he'd encourage her to talk to me. No one encourages people not to talk to their mother. I'd love to talk to my mother. Oh, she doesn't know how to respect me. Or believe in me, so I can't. So I'm choosing not to. I'm choosing not to. There's a whole vocabulary of spirituality that I'm missing. Right into logic. I don't like living in logic. I like living in spirituality. In spirituality, my logic is still so strong. I'm right in the middle of 2 worlds. This world is my, is my healing world. I have healed in this condo since I bought it. I bought it February 2018, just when Jay died, and here we are, 2017. 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25. So it's 8 years. I thought it was 9 years. I can't believe Jay's gone. I can't believe my brother hung himself. I can't believe my children are so— are making the decisions they're making. I understand where those decisions are developmentally and emotionally, and it just boggles my mind how that's the decision they make when Science says how unhealthy it is. It hurts my heart so badly not to talk to my mom. Just that house is so toxic. And until I stand on my own 2 feet— isn't it amazing? I've been standing on my own 2 feet. I have been riding solo. The solo ride has been my destiny. This solo ride has, has been behind me, has been the destiny. This solo ride is my story. Whatever problem was put in front of us, I dealt with it independently. I reached out to Others helped me, and the decisions to make, they were so heavy, so heavy. I'm numb to what I did inside my body, even though I know I did it. When I watched the other parents do the things I did, I'm so grateful my kids want to be on their own and want to prove to the world they can do it. I'm really proud of them. I would like them to— I would like them to have chosen a different path to do it. I'm disappointed and angry and frustrated. I am— I have negativity. About the hurt they have, they have about how they have hurt me. There was no need to to do this to my heart. This was irresponsible. This was mean abandonment. This was awful. Wasn't nice at all. It was really quite awful. Both of them are quite awful. It's not something I deserved or did. They could have done it so differently, with respect, and they did not. That really hurts me. There's no way I could have gotten it right, like no possible way. And the fact that they're so mean to me now and withdrawn and put up this barrier is really fucking hard and it hurts. And this is not what I should be dealing with. So what's gonna happen on the other side of this? I am making a really good decision. There's no irresponsibility here. I need to be very careful about my money. I know when I'm with Rebecca that she will pay for things, and I'm okay with that. I can receive. I want other people to let me do that for them. And when I'm with Aaron, I'm going to ask for the same. If she pays for the place, I'll give her my budget every week and she can just go spend it. This way she can make all the decisions. I don't have to think about it. I'll just give her a budget of money every week. Or the value of my skills. We will talk about that openly. There's no way I'm go— I'm not go— I am only going if I understand the boundaries. I think there really is a good chance I would like to drive to Mexico. All of those things I'm going to think. I haven't looked at a map in In ages. I haven't thought about where I wanted to go or anything. I know I did not have the funds or the man who could do that. I settled for 2 men with scarcity instead of plenty. What was I attracting? Scarcity was in front of me continually. I've lived a life of scarcity and now I'm living a life of plenty. What does plenty look and feel like? What does plenty look and feel like to you? My energy is abundant and positive. Would you like to meet me here, or would you like me to meet you at your energy? I can shift my energy from as high as a kite to as low as I want to go. Deep, deep I can tell you a story that will bring tears to your eyes, and if you cry, I'll cry. It's just more fun that way. The stories— I don't cry with the stories on my own. I look at all the things that happened since the tragedies. When's a tragedy? Happens. You know, the man I sat across from this morning was like, all this stuff was happening and then there was a tragedy and everything went differently, and you know what could have been? And I looked and said, do you see what is? Look what you have. You have a wife that absolutely loves you and your best friend. You have your health and your You look good. You're both attractive. You look good. A beautiful house, a successful business, 3 healthy kids that are going to school and doing what the responsible adult does to figure out how to make money before you go and play. If you play first, money is always something that you will be Chasing the scarcities in front of you, behind you. If you play the game of linear for a little bit and mask and do it and get a foundation, it's challenging. It is. And there are many ways to take away the challenges. I've experienced all of the challenges. You can't tell me there's not a way to find a solution. I just don't buy it. I really don't buy it. I want to watch this video in 10 years. Quiet is just what keeps coming to me, is just quiet. Quiet. Tingles are going through my whole body. My body's relaxed. My mind is clear. I hear the sounds of the condo. No chatter in my head. No thoughts. The chasing feeling. I feel like I need to cry and throw up and yawn all at the same time. I'm not comfortable here. Breathing and letting it go. I have everything I need and I don't want any of it. Am I depressed? I don't think so. I've been in here so long. I was much happier in Avondale, outside, feet in the grass. Then again, there was the snow and the responsibility of the house. I am exhausted, just exhausted.
